If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown
Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.
What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.
The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).
By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.
Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”
Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.
To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?
Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.
How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?
An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?
You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.
Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.
This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.
From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM
I came across this blog while actually reading another article on this site. It is so well written and so so true. After having been in many long and short term relationships, I have come to realise at the age of 25 that finding your soulmate isn’t always as idealistic or straightforward as we are lead to believe and this article puts this point across perfectly.
I have recently finished dating a man whom I was with for about 5 weeks;whilst it wasn’t love, it was a great relationship; we connected on every level, we had so much in common, we were attracted to each other and spent just the right amount of time together. For the first time I met someone who actually seemed to listen to me; who would bring round my favourite sweets because I happened to mention it in passing or mention a difficult meeting I had that day and ask about. Things were going well. I was however, slightly concerned as he had just come out of a long term relationship 5 1/2 months before after about 3 years. We didn’t discuss it except to say it had run its course and I felt it inappropriate to ask. I did feel like this could be a problem and that maybe he was insecure that I would run off on him, that he was maybe a bit traumatised by his past relationship. I went away for a weekend, sent a few messages and didn’t hear from him for over a week. Scared to smother him, I left him be. But after a week was up, I sent him a message wondering where we were at. He replied that he had a traumatic experience with his ex and that he realised he couldn’t deal with a relationship at the moment and needed to focus on himself.
While I was upset at his approach, I felt I could learn a lot from this experience. Whether or not he can get over this trauma, sometimes letting someone go and working on yourself or learning from these experiences and seeing where you can learn from them can help in the future. You think that when you find the right person for you, it’s going to be a bed of roses and everything will be a smooth course. Whether it is with this person or another, I’ve come to realise this will not be the case! The right person isn’t the one who doesn’t give you a hard time, it’s the one who makes mistakes and isn’t afraid to do everything possible to put them right. It’s the person you aren’t afraid to let go because you know they’ll be waiting. Life is about living and learning.You just have to enjoy the ride I suppose!!
Excellent! Glad to see you realized what had happened, and how to learn from it.
If it helps any, it took me a failed marriage to figure this out, and until I was 31 to find the right person for me.
Thanks so much for sharing, and I hope to hear from you again.
I am not just waiting by the phone , I have started socializing again and trying to meet new people, started doing things I didn’t do or put on hold during the relationship, going to work and making sure I am taken care of first, If I can’t take care of myself and love myself..how can I take care or love anyone else? I have faith she will come around but only when she is ready, I do love her and love is eternal… She knows I will be here when that day comes, I don’t NEED her in my life..I WANT her in my life…big difference.
Great. Glad to see you thought it through, and that you are congruent in your thoughts.
Thanks for the update, and it sounds like you plan on remaining strong, no matter what comes your way.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
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Last Wednesday …
[edited for brevity and privacy]
Is it just me holding out hope maybe she still loves me and is trying to see if I find this picture? According to friends, It was posted Saturday night at 10:00 PM, now why would she not be out the day after Valentine’s day with her new man instead of taking photos at home on a Saturday ?
Sorry for the long post – trying to give some background.
I love this woman with everything I have but i have accepted we are apart right now. I needed to work on me to be a better person all-around. I am not sure if she is still with this guy or not; any and all advice is gladly accepted. Thanks Everyone.
It sounds like she has some issues to work though, both physical and emotional. And it sounds like you already know that you need some time to work on yourself.
Until you are doing better, will you be able to have a better relationship, or will you just be asking for trouble? Think about that and set some goals for yourself. Try not to worry too much about her in the mean time, as getting back together before you are ready doesn’t sound like a very good idea. One person, unable to swim, cannot be rescued by a second person, also unable to swim. Does that make sense?
Once you’re doing better, you might want to see how you feel, and how she is doing. But that is for the future, and you have things on which to work in the mean time, right?
My advice is for you to take your own advice, and start with the only thing truly under your control, yourself. Let the rest of the world take care of itself for the moment. First things first.
It has been 2 months since we broke up; I miss her everyday, I did send a handwritten letter to her. First direct contact of any sort since the text terrorism in mid-January. I wrote the letter from the heart and told her I have no ll-will towards her and accepted the fact the old relationship is over. Just want to open the lines of communication again so we can trust each other again. I stressed that we can and will work through this together if she reaches out. I said I would not contact her after she received the letter to give her time to figure out what she wants. I said I have done my part by reaching out to her and showing her I care still. All I can do now is wait.
I hope that when you said “All I can do now is wait.” you aren’t just sitting by the phone. I hope you’re getting busy working on what issues you have, and on trying to be the best person you can become. You deserve to be the best possible person you can become. And that journey is never done, because we change each day. But progress can be made to get closer to today’s ideal. I hope you will work on that while she tries to figure out what she is going to do with her life.
Stay strong. You are far stronger than you imagine, if you put your heart into it.
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I came across this blog this morning and decided to share my story, hoping that your advice will help me put my mind at peace. I apologize if my message is long.
I met a guy and the moment we met, he simply fell for me. He was in a relationship at that time but told me that his feelings for her faded but he couldn’t leave her because she has a daughter he truly adores. I told him that i would never get involved with a man who is committed and he respected me for that, very much. To cut the story short, he ended the relationship and we started seeing each other a few months after they separated. I decided to give him some time to get over the breakup. We were very happy together. He is a lovely and good hearted person. We both live and work away from our homes. However, he never cut communication with his ex and according to him; it was because of her daughter. Told him that i was not feeling comfortable that they communicated daily, but tried to understand the situation. However, i began to feel insecure and I was being careful to let my feelings show as i was afraid of being hurt, more so, because he never told her that we were together. He went home to visit his parents, but stayed with his ex for two weeks because the little one was missing him. I was unhappy but he said they are good friends and there is nothing for me to worry about. He loved me, and i did not want to allow this situation to crumble our relationship. When he got back, things became a little awkward. We continued to be together, avoiding talking about that awkwardness. A few months later, I learned that he had planned to take the little one and his ex on holiday for Xmas and New Year 2014. He didn’t ask me to join. He crossed my boundaries by that stage; I was deeply hurt and walked away. We ceased communication for three weeks but he wouldn’t let me go. I was confused and decided to travel on my own for two weeks, and so did he. When we got back and decided to be together again but were struggling (for a few other reasons as well, mainly related to his behavior and closeness to his female friends – I could write a book if I explained the details) and he suggested we take time off to think about our relationship. He went on holiday with his ex and kept in touch, daily. We ended up having a disagreement over something insignificant while chatting and in the end; he told me that we should remain friends. I said that we can’t be friends and that’s the way it is. We are no longer together, we are not friends. I am not feeling resentment; I don’t hate him,but I am not ready to have him as a friend in my life because I love him. He challenged me emotionally like no one has ever before, and I find myself thinking where I went wrong, was I not understanding enough…all this is going through my head and I am simply falling apart. Deep down I still hope that he will come back to me…
Thanks for sharing your story. We all have boundaries, and it looks like he doesn’t understand or respect yours (those are two different causes, but the result is the same).
Stay strong through all of this. You can do it, if it is what you truly desire.
I found this blog a few days ago & I am so glad I did. I’m in the process of letting go of the resentment, anger, and sadness caused by someone I love. Internally, I know I still hope that there will come a time that destiny unites us again & helps us grow to be right for each other, but as you said, that doesn’t mean I can stop life and just wait. I have to progress and use this experience to better myself, to learn to be grateful for those in my life that have always been there, to be more understanding, caring, giving, forgiving…and some where along the line, I learnt that I need to be my own source of happiness & stop depending on others to make me happy. I hope to one day say I’m done with this process and have come out a better person. Thank you for the encouragement.
My favorite part about what you said is that sometimes we have to let go so the other person can find happiness. It’s really painful to think that I couldn’t make this person happy (especially since I was battling depression in that moment too, so I wasn’t happy myself). After all, true love means being selfless sometimes, right? You can’t hold on when the other person wants to let go. It’s painful to think that way, but it’s just something we come to terms with in our own time.
I’ve come back to this blog a few times since and read your replies to others who have left comments. You are very wise :). Please realize that what you’re saying is making a difference in someone’s (actually many people’s) lives.
PS: I actually ran into the same passage as you (1 Corinthians 13) during this whole ordeal, and I find myself turning to it time and time again as well. It’s beyond beautiful 🙂
Well said. Being selfless and allowing something you love to leave (so that they might find happiness) is a very difficult thing to do.
As for being wise, I believe wisdom comes from learning from mistakes. I just consider myself an accomplished learner and mistake maker. 8)
Thanks for stopping by and for leaving such an enlightened and personal comment. Stay strong.
I think it’s so great that you take the time to respond to every comment
I try. It takes some time to do, but then, so does commenting, so I guess we’re even. 8)
How can i find my happyness when my word is so dark. None of my relationships work and i cant find true love. Is it something im doing wrong? I need help.
I don’t know for certain, but given that you are asking that question, my guess would be that you are doing something wrong. What specifically that may be, I have no way of knowing.
From what I have seen and been told, True Love will either sneak up on you, or simply walk up and hit you over the head. By that, I mean that it will either be very apparent from the first time you are together, or it will build over months or even years. It took just over three years from when I started dating my wife until we were married, so we were one of the slow ones.
My recommendation, as I don’t know you, is to ask someone who does. Do you have any friends who have had some success at relationships? It might be helpful to have one of them compare what they do to what you do.
I would also consider what you are doing to find people. If you were trying to get a picture of an fish, would you go to a desert and search for one? What are you looking for, and where would that type of person be found? It might be that you are looking for anything with a pulse who will talk to you, and that’s not much of a foundation for a relationship, right?
Stay strong, you can get through this if you are willing to put in the effort.
I met a boy about 3 years back. We became friends n exchanged our nos. After one month he said that he loves me. I also had the same feelings for him so I too said that i love him. Our love and friendship continued from then but suddenly (about few months back) he said that he is sorry n that he dont love me anymore. I tried to find out but dint get any reason from him as to why he did this to me. It shattered me badly. Now i am not the person that i used to be. I have stopped contacting my friends also. Now i dont have anyone by my side. He hurt me so badly but still i love him. Every day n every moment i think of him. I am not being able to move out of this situation.
You seem to have fixated or obsessed on him. Yes, he will be in your mind and in your heart for the rest of your life. Remember the good times, but also realize that they belong to the past. You belong to the present. That is where you must live. That means allowing him to slip away. The hurt will subside over time, and only the pleasant memories will remain.
It will take strength, but that is something we all have, but rarely use. You can get past this point in your life, if you are willing to stand and face the future without him. You can do it. There will be setbacks or times when you cry and can think of nothing else. But these times will pass. It won’t be the most pleasant thing you have ever done, but it is necessary if you wish to ever move out of that situation of being stuck on him.
You are stronger than you know. You can do this.
My ex came back to me just when going to move on. He left me to marry other woman(she was pregnant) But, for some reason my heart always knew he would come back to me. Five years later got divorced and came back to me. The sad part is he’s now dead n once again I’m alone,:( but graceful he came back to me. Our love is stronger though he’s gone. He will always be in my heart .
It can be hard, but you were strong. And still are. Loves live with us forever in our hearts. Even those who have moved on, or passed on are still in there.
Thank you for sharing that with everyone here. Your story is inspirational.
I have come across your blog post and I must say, it hurt me to the core. I’ve let the man I love go today. We live so far away from each other, 2 far away countries and he loves me, he proves it in actions but being both a single parents, complexities and responsibilities get in the way.
And I agree with the quote “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”
It would be a pretense if I would say that Im not hoping that he comes back, but if he does , at this moment I dont have any idea how to answer , and if he wont come back then atleast by that time i would have already moved on. It almost feels like Love is a test of time, and yet we all dont have all the time in the world for we dont hold the future. its so frustrating sometimes how a simple love can be made so complicated. 🙁
It can be painful, but it sounds like you loved him enough to allow him to do what he needed to do, even if it meant he would do it without you. Remember the good parts, and let the pain fade.
If you find you have too much time on your hands, do something you’ve always wanted to do, but didn’t have the time. Or find something about yourself you want to change or improve. Take up a sport, or pick up a good book or two. Work on becoming a better person, not for them, but because you deserve to be the best person you can possibly become.
Thanks for stopping by, and for leaving the comment. Stay strong, and keep smiling.
I was in a one-month relationship one year ago with my school friend. The reason for our break up was very stupid one. His mother is strongly against inter-caste marriage and threatened him of committing suicide as well. So, he was succumb to leave me. I still miss him. What should I do? I am having hard time as I don’t want to move on.
Sorry to hear of your situation. It seems you have little choice, as he has left. You can continue to live in the past, and be miserable, or you can set out on a new path. Setting out on a new path will not automatically make you feel better, but by remaining in a place of pain, you NEVER will feel better. Anywhere else would be better.
You are stronger than you know. Find something you wish to do, and get started. He will be with you forever, as that is the way of love. But his path appears to have gone somewhere you cannot go. Such is life. Remember him fondly, but move on with your life.
Thank you for making me realize that. I know that I need to move on but finding it hard to do so. But, I have to move on so, I will do my best to move on with my life. I just wanted to hear from someone and pacify. As, my friends have also suggested the same. I must move on.
It won’t necessarily be easy, but it can be done. It is hard to get over someone when you are still focused on them. Pick something to do, and spend some time doing it. Learn something new, or take up an activity you always wanted to do, but never had the time. Find something about yourself you would like to improve, and work on it.
You are stronger than you can imagine. That doesn’t mean you will never have a moment of weakness, but that you can get back up after that moment, and continue forward.
I have been with my husband 7 years and we have a 6 year old son. I had a period when i got lost and i hurt him with angry words and fights, noe he told me he dosent know what he feels anymore and dosent know if this is what he wants his life to be like, its been a wakeup call and now im sorry but its too late he is moving out he said he needs a month or two to figure it out. I have been so down i have hurt so much he is looking for a place and it is killing me because i love him so much but i cant make him love me so i have to let him go. I hope he comea back home but who knows , i am heart broken an fell like crap
That is a hard lesson to learn. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I hope you spend some of this next month working on becoming a better person. Hopefully you have already been working on what caused the ‘lost’ period.
And remember you are stronger than you know. Events cannot break us, only our reaction to those events can.
Hello,
First I would like to say to never judge a person because sometimes in life you can find yourself in unexpected situation. Sometimes in a marriage the live falls apart when there’s so much pain repeatedly. My husband and I are very incompatible and probably no longer in lovebut we have love for eeachother and we have a child together who needs us both. I somehow realized that my brother in law has so much in common with me and I started having the strongest feeling of love ever for him…it’s like I found the perfect person for me but in the WRONG place and WRONG time and after holding it in for so long I decided to let him know and also let him go. I told him how I feel to get it off my chest and also told him it’s the reason why I can not be in contact with him and must distance myself. It’s such a relief. Letting go can ease the suffering when you’re holding on to something impossible. …and most importantly we need to realize live is not about possession…it is a feeling. ..you don’t need t have everything you love and can still love without having the one you love.
Yes, there is often a struggle between duty and love. I am glad to see you have found a path which minimizes your pain and allows you to continue to do what you feel you need to do.
Remember, you are far stronger than you imagine. And thank you for sharing your experience.
Hi,
I stumbled onto here by Googleing the meaning of the above topic.
My girl has said this to me a few time, I kind of get it but I would like some advice.
Long story short, her family discovered that we are together and are pushing/forcing her into a marriage with a guy who she doesn’t love nor know. The main reason for this is that her father picked the guy for her to marry, it was his last wish before he passed away which she wants to uphold for her fathers sake/honour/respect.
She tried countless times to ask her family to consider me but it was met with laughter. I would consider myself as a decent person, decent job, don’t drink/smoke or do drugs, but not the same colour, race or religion as her.
Too add insult to injury she has told me that the love she has for me has lost its way, it is not the same as before, in her words its got a lot weaker. When we had a deep talk she revealed that the main reason for this is because I snapped at her, which I did very harshly so.
So was asking to make kids, at first I was supportive and told her that we will but further down the line once we are more stable, relationship and financially.
I vented all my frustration out on her to try and make her understand, I explained all the reasons against the idea which did leave her very sad which resulted to not speaking for a couple of days. I would never have thought this would cause such a deep scar in her heart.
Currently, we are on a no contact agreement, which she asked for so that she can gather her thoughts. She does tell me she loves me still, but I’m not sure if its just a kind way of letting me “go”.
I do not wish for her to go through with the marriage, weather she picks me or start afresh, I just want her to be happy.
So in conclusion, I would like some general advise on what I should/can do, an overview of the situation and what I can do to repair this relationship, if its not too far gone.
Thanks for your time.
P.s. there are a few key notes that I have not put in as they are very sensitive, if its possible, can we discuss the issue more privately e.g. via email?
All the above is fine to talk about on here, in case someone is in the same sticky situation as me.
Sadly, there is little for us to discuss. She has withdrawn, and wishes no contact from you. The matter is out of your hands.
If you contact her, against her wishes, what then? The alternative is to let her be, to make her own decisions and to bear the consequences of those decisions. I do not see where you have much that you can do.
She has left. If you fight to keep her now, how often will you need to fight for her again and again and again? If her heart belongs to you, she will be back. If not, you would be fighting a life-long battle to hold her. And in that battle, if you are victorious, your victory will not be sweet, but ashen, as you will have caged the bird, and it will no longer sing.
Family wishes and the pressure that places on a person can be a heavy burden to bear. She will have to live with the consequences. And that is only one of the consequences she will have to bear. What of the children? You say you are not of the same, color race or religion. How will the children be raised? What are the consequences to mixed race kids where you live? Which religion will they be as they grow up? There are many obstacles to consider. None are impossible to overcome, but they should be addressed before getting serious, much less marrying or having kids.
There is a lot to think about. While you are waiting for her decision, you can start by working on those issues, along with any others you might identify. Stay strong, you are so much more than you know. Strengthen your heart, do not harden it. You will survive this, no matter what the end result. Become the best person you can be at this moment. And tomorrow, the sun will rise. Smile and face it.
my girlfriend and I parted ways about five years ago,
It was one of the most difficult times in my life because we were so in love with each other.
there were so many factors playing against me and us that things were looking so impossible
to continue with. the big credit crunch and long distance relationship and debt.
when I was about eighteen or so when I came across this phrase about setting something free and hoping it will come back and it will be mine. I am now 42 years old.
Well, recently my ex girlfriend came back to visit and the feelings between us are so great and awesome that sparks are flying all over the place!
the downfall is that she is now married to another man and both her and I are devastated at what has happened, we have missed so much between us, I love her as much now as I did when I met her years ago, I built my life back up over this time to provide for us and now there is so much sadness between us because of regret and circumstances.
I feel that I have to let her go again and enjoy her life with her husband because I have no place
to allow her relationship between them get worse because of what happened between us.
we both have such strong feelings for each other that it is so difficult to know what is the right thing to do. they are only married a few months now and the doubt between her is so bad it is hurting so much and I don’t want her relationship to end because of me.
I think I have to stop communication with her her and it hurts me so much to do that.
we were and are proper soul mates that can never depart.
That is a sad thing to hear. In this case, it sounds like circumstances forced you apart all those years ago, rather than the desire of one of you to leave. From that view point, the quote doesn’t really apply. I realize that is of little comfort.
The ball is firmly in her court. You don’t say, but did she marry him because they were deeply in love, or was she just tired of looking and grabbed the next available guy? She has a decision to make, and I agree with you that communication should stop while she makes up her mind. I don’t know what her reasons for marrying him are, nor would I presume to know what would entice her to leave him.
This isn’t an easy time for you, but be strong. Focus on things you like to do, and on improving yourself. Perhaps you can use this event to come up with some aspect of yourself you wish to improve. If you continue to focus on her, you will only continue to re-open the wound.
I wrote to the blog in October and it was so use full particularly in making a decision.
Whilst I had some regret as my ex wanted to move our relationship on and I did not act upon this, the truth was he was throwing me crumbs and then up and left and married someone else 12 months later after ‘dating’ me for a decade or more – in short!!
As I had know him for many, many years I wanted to remain friends. I wanted to remain friends to keep him in my life. But if I was honest I never, ever saw him as a friend in the last 15 years so it was going to be a culture shock of kinds at the least and torture at worst. Once I decided not to put my self through any further upset I have slowly but surely cut him out of my life in a matter of two weeks. First unfriend via Facebook,, it felt great till I checked his profile so I plucked u the courage to block him and his immediate family, again great!! So then I delete his number from my phone and a few days later I went to my email and delete all his messages. He did come back to me but married offering friendship?? I will never know if he was serious but his actions of the past did not feel respectful or like friendship.
So in keeping with the BLOG if you love someone set them free. That someone I love is me that was set free from an ex and I am coming back to my old self and freedom and self love, feel great, most days and it is early days!
If you have a pattern of dating (emotionally) unavailable, non committed people I recommend the blog http://www.baggage reclaimed!
(edit) Do you mean http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ ? That looks like a great site for those getting over a tough breakup. (end edit)
Creeps are going to be creeps. Best to set them free and get them out of your hair. Yes, it’s going to be tough, as you noted. However, I doubt it will be as tough as picking up the pieces after he flakes out on you. A broken relationship hurts. A broken marriage, doubly so. Trust me on that point.
Thanks for stopping back in and giving us an update. Glad things are now going better for you. Stay strong, and don’t settle for less than the best. That goes for yourself, as well as for your friends. You’re worth it!
Yes to the website.
It wasn’t too difficult to find, and it is a very interesting site. Thanks for pointing it out.
I recently contacted this guy I dated for a year and half. We broke it off 3 months ago. I have found myself missing his sooo much realizing I do love him. My childhood past has always had me running but with couseloring, praying, reading scriptures I am healing. When we met him I told him all my feelings, feelings he didnt know, he was taken back as he always told me this and that. I am needing advice as he hasnt contacted me in 3 days.
In keeping with the quote, you talked to him, and it is now up to him. He is taking some time to examine what he will do. While you wait, what else can you do to become a stronger, a better person? Keep working on you, as that is all you really have any control over, right?
Yes that is right. He did contact me. There is some forgiveness on our part.
That is a good thing. If you have read some of my other responses here, you understand my focus on communication. Even the spoken word can be easily misinterpreted. In matters of the heart, even more so. Help him understand what he means to you, and try to understand what he is saying in return.
If this was sudden, as I inferred from your earlier comment, it may take him some time to sort things out. He may not even know what to say as yet.
Time, as always, will tell. Be patient, work with him, and stay strong. You are the best, and you will continue to improve. What will you work on today to become a better person?
And he does want to be with me. I honestly believe its the Lords work, I just follow. We have workd ahead of us, there is no fairytale. Thank you for your advice.
I wish you the best then. Stay strong, as life will always have challenges for you. And don’t forget to smile.
I try not to claim to know the plan. I just work like it depends on me, and pray like it depends on God. That way, I have all my bases covered. 8)
Well I notice we are “off” a little. Its like we are strangers relearning each other. Does 3 months really make a difference? Plus is it true that when men are under stress with their finances they pull away? He isnt making the money he was use too. When he is stressed he shuts down, I start to overthink. We communicate, just I dont know anymore.
My guess is the drift began some time ago, you just didn’t notice. When you got back together after three months away, the original drift plus the last three months, added together, seems larger.
At least for me and the handful of guys who have confided in me about financial issues, that is very much the way we react. Probably not everyone, but it does seem to fit a pattern.
Communication is tough on the best of days. Add stress and issues which might divert your attention from the conversation at hand, or color your interpretation of what they said, and it gets even more difficult. Try to find neutral areas to discuss things. If you are always talking about stressful things in the bedroom, how long will it be before going to the bedroom brings up bad memories? Go somewhere else and talk to one another, and not just about the issues which are causing stress, less you become associated with stress, right? See if you can find things which help him release his stress, and become part of the solution, not the problem.
It won’t be easy, but if you can get through this together, what else can life throw at you which you cannot face, together. Work on building a strong foundation for the two of you.
Stay strong.
He is big on communicating. He said that he isnt wearing his heart on his sleeve anytime soon. I honestly like where he is, before he was demanding, needy, and overwelming for me. I mean he told me loved me the first month we were together. He wanted me to move in as well. I told him that isnt healthy, go slow get to know someone. I believe he scared me in the past since I wasnt ready to commit, now I am in a different place. Ready to love and be loved.
It sounds like you have the situation fairly well sorted out. Stay strong, and remember to tend to your needs as well as his.
Thank you for the encouragement. Also he seems to remind me of my past that hurt him, he says he forgives me yet when he says that persons name he gets angry says if he ever saw that person it will be a bad day. Ego?
I’m not sure, but if he keeps bringing it up, his mind may have forgiven you, but perhaps his heart has not. That might be something to explore, but with a great deal of caution and tenderness.
I believe you may be right. I notice that he doesnt share his feelings like before. I see old behavior from him yet like I said I am all about a new approach on my end. Plus he reminds me I am the one who did and that, he doesnt take any ownership for his part. Been reading about Lords peace for us, I notice this man doesnt give me peace of mind. I constantly thinking. Being reminded that us humans are not perfect.
All you can do is improve yourself, and ask him to follow. And yes, we all are far from perfect. All the more reason to keep working. We won’t ever get there, but life is a journey, not a destination.
Plus he wants to take it real slow, no sex, no affirmations, nothing. Seems a bit extreme to me.
If you want to be part of his life, he gets to make some of the rules. If you can’t talk him out of them, you have to either work within his limits, or you have to walk away. It might be for just a short while, as he gets used to you being back in his life, or he might just be a jerk. I certainly don’t know. You need to find out, and then make your decision.
He ended it, he said the rules only apply to him. I knew then that isn’t how love works. It is what it is.
The pointing of the fingers, the back-stab he did with my sister, I confront he ended it with me. He said I needed to do more ALLOT more but I did all I can do I am human. I am meant to love someone else who will accept me for me and that love will grow. God had my back.
Such is life. The implied part of the quote is that by letting go, you save yourself the daily fight of trying to keep them with you, when they really want to be somewhere else. Breaking up is heartache, but not as much as the ongoing struggle to keep someone who wants to leave.
Take a deep breath, and remember, it was him, not you; and his choice. Now it is time to move on with your life. Pick something you desire to improve, and get busy. Become a better person, not to spite him, but because you are worth it.
I also saw how bitter he was and took it out on me. I will take your advice and move forward. It took alot of courage for me to walk this walk after everything he did to me to cause the break up in the first place. For him to point all the fingers on me was hurting my spirit. Forgivness, the only thing that comes to mind.
Update, after the fight we had he didnt mean to sound cruel he simply explained that he is under alot of stress. No work equals no money equals no paying bills/rent. He said for the first time in many years has he been this broke.He told me he is depress, no sex drive, (only when he drinks) I am not down for sloppy sex. He is really moody and its hard on me.
I have given him space and he notices that I am given him his space. Please give me some “guy” advice.
I don’t know that I have any “guy” advice, as I never dated one… 8)
It sounds like a lot of his identity is tied to his ability to make money or do well at his job. If you want to help him, and help your relationship, you might want to let him know that he is more to you than just a wallet. Let him know that you like him for other aspects of his life and personality. Also try to get him to see all the other things he does which contribute to his family, friends, and community (whatever those might be). If he is weak in one of those areas, offer to spend some time helping him do something useful in that area.
It might also help him with his depression if you are willing to just spend time with him. Even if it’s talking about boring things which are bothering him, or interest him but not you. Sometimes guys need to talk things through, as a way of working through a problem or issue. Sometimes they just need to get things off their chest.
A lot of what will work for him, and therefore you, depends on what kind of person he is, and how he responds to these issues. You will have to try things, and observe his reactions. Stay strong, troubles will pass.
We do talk and he is just down on his luck with work, he is a independent painter. Also he told me he isnt ready for a relationship that his heart is hard. I believe he isnt into me like he once was. I guess love for someone can change in 3 months. He flat out said he is taking care of him, I asked him why he is still in contact with me, he had no answer. Perhaps to lead me on??? I cant read minds, all I can do is go with my heart, move forward. I tried and that is all that matters.
It sounds like he has some feelings for you, if he is still in contact. However, what his heart says and what his mind says may be two different things at this point. A man who is having trouble providing for himself might not consider himself ready to do much romantically. He may be in an intense emotional struggle within himself about his self-worth and usefulness. He may need some time to resolve that conflict and get back to some work before he is ready to talk to you again. I don’t think he is leading you on, just dealing with his own problems.
All he keeps saying is baby steps and he wont go down the same road he did before with me. He would rather be single that go through what he did before. I honestly dont know how to love, I grew up in a very unhealthy enviroment and he knows this yet he said he wont teach me he doesnt have that kind of energy. I said you dont teach, when together the love grows and we learn together. He didnt understand that. He wants to do his own thing I said I do too, but I am reading inbetween the line. What I dont like is why cant I move on with this pain in my heart and my mind overthinking?
To my, your anguish and difficulty in healing is similar to someone who picks at their scabs and then wonders why the wound does not heal. From what I see, you are in need of a decision. You say you want to do your own thing, but you seem to remain in his orbit. If you are to heal, you must have some breathing room. It sounds like he wants some as well. Presuming he is telling the truth and not playing games, you should be able to take some time to work on healing yourself.
But that time has to be completely away from him, and spending as little time as possible waiting for him to call or moping around being miserable. Those are not ways to allow healing to take place, right?
Find something to do, something you wanted to do, to learn, or to try out, but didn’t have the time while you were with him. Spend time with other friends and do things. Work on becoming a better person. Not for him, but for you. You deserve to become the best person you can become at this moment.
Stay strong. You will survive. Yes, there will be good days and there will be the others as well. You will always remember him. Let the hurt fall away, and hold what was kind and pleasant.
Thank you, he was upset with me when he called and I didnt return his call because I was out with friends. I believe he is just as messed up as I am. His finances are back and he seems alot happier. This rollarcoaster I am on, I want off now.
Well, perhaps it is you who needs to take your leave of him. Or you might want to see how stable things are now. However, if both of you are struggling, it might be best to step away and work on improving yourself.
One drowning person is a tragedy, and two drowning people cannot save each-other. Work on your ability to swim first, not so that you can save him, but so you can save yourself. That must come first.
He knows I am there for him, I just believe men need to work so they can be a provider. He told me he is hard hearted that he isnt the same guy when I knew him. This is what I have come to observe, he may have guilt moving on soo fast after we broke up (a week) that me coming back into his world has thrown him for a loop. I believe his love for me has changed therefore he isnt into me like before. It does hurt yet I am wise to let him be. I was authentic and tried to make a difference.
I agree, it is wise to give him some space. If it is real, and his heart hasn’t changed (just his mind), he will be back. If his heart truly changed, and he is no longer into you, you are better off allowing him to take his own path as you take his.
Just remember that you have great strength within you.
Decided to take the step to walk away, dont call as much nor text, he called me one night drunk, lets just say the truth came out. I get it, pain can linger, when someone is unable to forgive, well that is not my problem to hold on too. He did give me his house key, not sure what that is all about.
If you have taken the step to walk away, you should make sure the key gets back to him. I would suggest a letter or a small package. At least in my experience, giving someone a key was more than a minor invitation, it was a major stage in a relationship. If you’re out, the key must go, lest it tempt you to return. On the flip side, returning the key may well close the door permanently, so if you think you might ever want back in, it might be seen as a rash move. Give it some thought, and then align all your actions with your decision.
Stay strong!
I was told the key was given to me by guilt since he cant commit by heart. See here is the deal, when I talk to my girlfriends its all man bashing assumption etc, that is why I come to you I believe its because you dont know this person and your replys are true not by judgement. This guy likes being single and refuses to forgive the past. No woman should be verbally or emotionally abuse therefore that is why I am walking away. Yes he will get his key back.
Sounds like you have made your decision and are willing to stand by it. Now all you have to figure out is what to do with all the time you used to waste on him. 8)
Stay strong, and keep working to become a better person. Because you deserve to be the best person you can possibly become.
We didnt really hang out, he wanted to hangout with his single friends and have his freedom. I am sad, I was authentic, true, and tried. He moved on and I am unable to get those years back. I will love again and that is the exciting part, wont allow this situation to hold me back and carry on to the next relationship. Your website is helpful. Thank you.
Thanks for the kind words. Glad you are determined not to let this hold you back. Live, learn, and love again.
I just got out of an engagment a mounth ago.I really love this lady. i dont want to let her go but i know i have to move on. I know i can’t make this lady me with me and i dont know what to do.I need help. What can i do are what do i need to do.
As you noted in the first part, you can’t make her do anything. All you can do is pick up the pieces and move on with your life.
She might come back, but the odds are against it. In the mean time, what will you do? Crying, for a short time, is natural, and part of the mourning/loss process. But soon, you should get to the point where you take stock of your situation, and consider what you can do to make yourself a better person.
What are some of the things you always wanted to do, but were unable to do while in your relationship? Places to go, things to learn or experience? What can you do to be a more complete or better person?
Now, it is your life, and you alone will bear the consequences of what you do. You can build a shrine to her, and spend all your time before it, hoping she comes back. Or you could do as I suggested. Somewhere between is probably the path you will take. Your life, your decision. Enjoy life. Become the best you that you can be, at this moment.
But how can i move on when we talk on the phone and at time she givers me false hope.I’s like one day she wants to try and start over and another day i’m back a square one. How can i move on if this continues to happen.
You have to decide when you have had enough, and simply walk away. Let her know that you don’t appreciate how she is treating you (at least that is the impression I have from your comment), and that she needs to stop, or you will walk away.
Unless you like being treated that way, although it sounds like you don’t. Communicate with her, let her know what you are unwilling to put up with, and then follow through.
If she is serious, she will get her act together, and come back. If not, all you have to look forward to is more of this behavior. The choice is yours. Stay strong.
Staying strong is heard when all i do is think about he. I tell myself i’m not going to call are text her anymore but she will call me and that one step i took forward to getting over her goes one step back. This is messing with my job, my health and my sleep. Being strong is head when you really love someone and you don’t know if they love you back. She will say I love you to me from time to time but how do i know if that is real love are her just saying something to pacifying me?
Asking me these questions will not get you a useful answer. Only one person can answer them. And then you will have to determine, as you rightly point out, whether it is the truth or not.
Most phone companies allow you to block a number. Have you considered blocking her? I presume you have told her to quit it, but she persists. It may be an option you wish to consider.
Or you can consider continuing to live this way, and allow her to continue to mess with your job, your health, and your sleep. The choice is yours. Consider the benefit and the cost. Are you willing to lose your job, just so she can continue to do this to you? What of losing your health? Do you enjoy what she is doing enough to risk your health to continue being abused in this manner? Chose wisely, my friend.
I really appreciate all that you have told me. a new year is about to start in 31/2 hours and this will be a new start for me no looking back you really have helped me.And i just want to say thank you. She will no longer heart my heart.
Just remember, every day is a new day. You can change at any time, not just a new year, right?
Take with you my best wishes, and remember to stay strong.
@ Roderick you need to love yourself more. So ask yourself and her does she want a , full relationship or not? Is she in or out (of a the relationship)? Ask her AND also go by how you feel (does it feel like a good relationship?)
If the answer is yes great! if it is no-she can not, does not want to commit to a full proper relationship then as hard as it will be break off all contact phone text and email, facebook. Grieve the loss of the relationship and find someone who does want to be in a fully committed, proper relationship with you. Love yourself more. Take care. Happy New Year all and Philosiblog!
Well said. Thanks for helping out. 8)
Thank you. I cut off all calls and texts today moving on. I think i need time to find myself. I’m 2013 i was in three relationships and none of them worked out. So i’m thinking it’s me not them. I fall hard when i’m with someone i think i try to hard. I know i can’t make someone stay with me so i need to find out what i am doing wrong.
Excellent, that you have noticed a common thread. I believe it is always a good thing to examine ourselves, and try to improve ourselves.
Enjoy your journey into self-discovery. Learn what works and what does not. Discard what does not serve you, and find something better to take its place. It can be a bumpy journey. Stay strong!
My true love and I parted 20 years ago and then he came back (the if you love something set it free if it comes back to you it’s yours part). Less than a year later he dumped me again so this saying is complete bullshit
Sorry you believe that way. Also sorry your “True Love” is such an ass to walk out on you, and then, decades later, come back just to dump you again.
Hi there is a person I love he doesn’t has father and he love me too and asked my mother for marriage ,problem was I was not able to tell my mother frankly that I loved him and neither was he able to tell his mother we just said we are good and we like each other. Now when he went to my home town for some function my parents met his entire family they had a dispute and unfortunately I was not there. Now he is not talking and if I message him he is not replying, he just told me initially after dispute that he would marry whom is mother say. And I am not sure what my mother said and he was hurted as I was not there but not talking to me is increasing the communication gap.My mother refused him to talk to me but he is angry too . Now my mother called his mother but his mother said she need to built a home only then she can get him married.i feel horrible.
In some cultures, that is how things work. You either need to work within your culture, or leave it.
I agree, communication is key. Until you know what happened, you will be stuck in this position. You will need to explain your heart to your mother, and get her to explain what happened to you. Only then can things get better.
I feel sorry for you, but there is little I can do to help, besides urge you to remain strong, and work on communication.
Thanks for the post. I’m just 5 days out of an almost 5 year relationship ( not by my choice). My first broken heart (my first everything). The pain is something I’ve likened to losing a loved one to deat, maybe even a bit worse).
This time honoured quote came to my mind and led me to your post. So many things you say make sense. I will try to remember them throughout the days as I look for strength in my pain,
Thanks for stopping by, and for leaving a comment.
Strength is something we all have, and rarely use. You will survive. 8)
With the passage of time, if you focus on the pain, it will continue. If you focus on what was pleasant, the pain will fade. I can even think of my Ex-Wife now without having to check my blood pressure. 8) Eventually, you will move on, and find other people to love, and to be hurt by. That is part of life. It doesn’t mean you stop loving, it means you need to love more. Even the ones who hurt you. Forgive, and move on.
I’m so thankful I found this entry upon Googling that passage. I’m currently living out the darkest days of my life due to a break up.
I was in a chaotic relationship for the past two years. Early on I already had a feeling that it might not work with this guy (differences in core values, not being of err the same intelligence level..? can’t think of a way to word that more politely). Throughout the whole affair I constantly went back and forth wondering if it was love that made me stay with him or if it was loneliness. Nevertheless I stayed, and I was happy. Even though there was only one good day out of ten, that one day was so good I didn’t care about anything else.
Along the way we he was unfaithful to me; several times over the course of a year and a half. I don’t know for a fact if he actually kissed or had sex with anyone but I discovered communications with several women and it was after this point that I became resentful towards him. Two days ago I discovered something that finally broke the camel’s back and we both called it quits. Usually it would just be me making that big talk of leaving but I always came back, and he always welcomed me. This time however his heart is set on being alone to “work on [his] issues and find [himself] again”. I was at peace with this, but now the fear is sinking in. What if it’s really so he could pursue other women, guilt-free? He keeps telling me things like “time will tell,” but somehow I can’t settle with that. Maybe I’m selfish.
I know this all sounds terribly unhealthy, but a part of me doesn’t care… I can’t imagine a life without him. Last night I gave him an ultimatum: to give things one last go and start fresh or never see me again. I realize this was unfair of me but I’m just scared. It takes so much courage to let someone you love go and hope for the best. But this quote alone has helped me realize that it is indeed a losing battle if he never really loved me to begin with. At least not as much as I love him.
Anyway sorry to raid your entry, I just wanted to say thank you for the wise words in your post. When my spirit falters I’ll be sure to return to this page and read it all over again.
Thanks for stopping by and for leaving a comment. I am glad that you found the post to be of some use.
I am sorry to hear that you are so upset, but it sounds like he wasn’t a very good match for you. It also sounds like you now have an excellent opportunity to work on yourself, and to work on being alone. It can be frightening, but you are far stronger than you think. Work on becoming a stronger person, and work on being more self-reliant. You have a great opportunity to move forward with your life, to become the best person you can be at this moment in time.
And feel free to search for anything else on my site, as I have over 1000 other posts for you to consider. Who knows what you might find. Just remember to stay strong.
I believe that is the step I need to take, at least have an answer that will help me move on official because we have both had time to think over things, and even if I get rejected, it was worth trying because I would never know and it would help me big time on moving on, because I have no choice. Thanks very much for your help and if I need anything else, I’ll come to you, it’s been tough on me for 8 months and it’s been driving me crazy in the head and stressed, but I gotta do it now and get this out the way and man up. Thanks again
Glad you got it sorted out. Now all that is left is to take action, and it looks like that’s what you are doing next. Stay strong!
First of all this is the best ever blog I have found so far on one of the biggest complexity of our life often remain unspoken.
Hello everyone, I am Biswanath (24) from India, I now work as a business development manager at an IT firm. living with my mother, grandmother only. My father has died when I was only 9 month old, so don;t have anything on him.
Raised by my grandfather, at his house. and now I am living in the same house. I am happy with my family, as my inspiration is my MOTHER, she has spent her entire life without any joy for me. never got married again, and carried my school fees by sewing clothes.
Now, the main thing about me.
When I was at high school, there was a group of friends and one of them was TINA, a girl.
As we were very close friend, we did share everything including our thought about life etc.
we did joking all the time, as we can say anything to each other there was no barrier.
One day I did say I LOVE YOU, but she did take me seriously, I was joking, but later I realized I was too in love (or whatever you guys call it) with her, we did spend time together for 2 years.
we were so close that even we did sleep on one bed at night but we did not have any physical relationship ever. we were so much into each other that we forgot our social boundaries. Our families got concern about us and they decided to make us apart and they succeeded to do so.
As we were about to go to college at the time . it was started in 2005 and ended or left alone in 2007. Our relation got sour day by day as we have been admitted to different colleges, but I did left my college and took admission to her college, but the pressure was on and I had to left the college of her.
Then she tried to contact me but at last she got defeated by her father, and i was by the very society we live in. we then did not talk to each other since.
**It was the First LOVE of my life, as I am very neat clean person on this matter, I don’t like cheating on someone etc. You can say I am a family guy and I always make my mind clear on everything so I can stand in front of mirror and say “Yes I am a clean person.” I do have a very bad habit, i do take care of each thing or person i love or use or have value in my life very much. and also help others if possible.
In the mean I was loved by another girl who was a high school student then, now she works in Medical sector. I was lost and grab what ever I got in front of me to live on. I got involved in her, got physically intimated, and emotionally as well. She is such a nice person and do care about me and my family a lot. I can’t deny I don’t love her. she is exactly like TINA. I thought I lost one and GOD have gave me a similar one. I am still in love with her as she is in me. She is waiting to get married to me, and looking froward to my right time. this relation got 5 years old now, started in 2008 to till date.
just 1 week ago, i found TINA on facebook, befriended with her and our conversation got started.
She never loved anyone since our break up, although she is now over with my feeling she told me that. we shared everything to each other. even we did call to each other at every night when we were together and our conversation lasted for all most morning each time. we did recall all things we did together and shared, what we told to each other. I asked for her phone number she gave me. I called her, and we are now calling each day and talking to each other for at least one hour every night and in the day we chat on Facebook all the time. what we talk about ????
we talk about how our life is going to be without each other. and as we were friend we also recall the moments too. but She said I am just the best friend of her now, I did agree with her.
Today I call her and said lets meet , she agreed and we meet at the nearest railway station called Barrackpore. We were seeing each each other by our very own eyes in front of each other after
6 years. I got Speechless and could not move, i just felt My inner voice telling me “What have you lost in your life” She is an angel. I still stood there on the platform, She came to running and embrace me as we fall on the platform and she began kiss all over me. Every body kept looking at us, as this does not happen in our country so freely. I was in a shock. when we got up she kept hugging me like will never go again, Tears from both our eyes were running all over our face,neck.
I felt my LOVE has returned , and she got it also I think, but she did tell me we are now friends.
When i asked her she answered She could not resist herself and She still want me to be wit her.
This the situation I got Stuck here, I don’t see a way from here. i don’t know what to do now.
I LOVE Both of them and they both are very much in love with me. and they trust me.
I do feel that there is only one place in the world to keep each of them safe with me, as do love each of them.
What can I do now ?? they both are looking towards me.
Please I am begging you guys I am crying since then and i can’t even think anything in this world right now.
Regards
Biswa
You are in a very difficult situation. Your decision will not only change your life, but the lives of both girls. Take a moment and consider what life will be like in a year, in five years, and even twenty five years.
It is easy to imagine the best things happening. But what if you chose Tina, and both her parents and yours became involved again? Could your relationship withstand the pressures? Consider the good possibilities as well as the bad possibilities. If you value how ‘clean’ you are, can you even consider Tina, as you are in a relationship with another? These will not be easy questions to answer, but I imagine you are feeling pressure to decide sooner than later.
My only advice to you is that, after you have weighed all your options and made up your mind, that you stick with the decision. You do no one any good by changing your mind. You only hurt them more.
It will not be easy, but you can find a way forward. You are strong enough to handle this, and you can live with your decision, if you choose to do so.
I totally understand that what ever decision I will take , I will have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.
I now can take anyone for TINA, I don’t care what other care about, as is I choose TINA then She will live with my family and my family is ready to accept her or the girl I love right now . They depends on me on this issue.
But the situation is I am being paralyzed day by day as the OLD LOVE is kicking inside of me and growing like never before. Now I am feeling guilty for the girl I love now.
I Do LOVE HER as well and I can’t deny TINA. now both of them LOVE me. But Me stuck in the middle.
I even thinking that Leave both of them and Make a better life by helping others and not thinking about my life sometimes.
And the calculation with a fair mind this is not gonna happen as the thought has reached to my head and i can’t think straight now.
I don’t know what to do now.
As long as helplessness is your mantra, you never will know what to do, right? What you have to do is decide. If you delay too long, you stand a chance of them both leaving, and possibly after a nasty fight with one or both of them.
How will you do that? What factors are important to you? What are your future expectations? What are your present obligations? Start with what you want and what you don’t want, and rate each of them. I would start there, and see if you can find any clarity.
Thank you helping me out now I have reached to a conclusion of this situation , here is what I decided and got:
1. I make Tina my best pal for ever I talked to her and make her realized the situation I am into, she agreed but made me promise that I have to give her company closely till she get married, I agreed but as a friend.
2. My present GF or wife-to-be has no idea of this situation , One day I will tell her all the things. and I hope she will understand me for what I am.
Thank you guys for helping me out and give me courage to reach a line.
regards
Biswa
Sounds like you have thought this through, all except the “tell the GF / wife-to-be” part. I would give that a little more thought and make sure you aren’t building a time-bomb, set to go off at some day in the future.
Best of luck to you, it sounds like you have come up with something you and Tina can live with. Just remember to stay strong, and not give in.
I was single for 3 years starting when I was in 9th grade, and didn’t date no one because I knew what I was looking for in a girl, and I wanted something serious that could last, I never searched for girls, they usually popped up and i would talk to them but never dated, kiss or anything with them. I never cheated on one, I’m really loyal and give my friends advice on stuff, but it won’t work with this girl, and I can’t seem to trust myself, I moved away for a year to play football my senior year at a school 9 hours away because I was scouted, and first day of school, This girl caught my eye and I never thought I had a chance with her, she was drop dead gorgeous, I had two classes with her and she always talked about me to her friends but I never knew, so I posted a status for friends from my new school to message me there numbers and they did, well that girl sent me one and I was shocked and felt like everything was spinning. I started texting her but she was kinda dating another guy but got advice from me to break up with him, so I gave it to her and told her that I don’t wanna cause anything between them, so I told her I can’t text her because of that, to show my respect, and I started talking to a girl from another school and went on a date and everyone in the school found out about it. And I went on a date with the new girl and didn’t like much about her but she was attractive, just didn’t feel anything, so a day later the girl that I thought I never had a chance with texted me and she told me she ended it with the guy, and he treated her wrong, so I made her feel better and we got really close and talked in school and went on a date that next week, and I asked her to the winter formal and she said yes, and later that night, she asked me if I loved her and if we would have a chance, and I said I gotta get to know you and that I want something that would last and not a childish high school relationship, and she understood and she begged for me to give her a chance so I thought deeply about it and on December 1st I asked her out and she said yes which was winter formal night, she was the best girl I ever met in my life, and dated. I never put so much in a relationship like I did with her to anyone else. She taught me how to love someone deeply. And we dated for 4 months and things were going great, but she seemed upset and wasn’t eating and worried and had alot on her mind. I asked if I could do anything for her, but she said I’ll be fine. We went out to eat every weekend, went to the movies alot, she came over my house all the time, we went shopping, I was with her at all of her appointments, I did everything I could to be there for her. She started to not pay attention to me anymore and she told me that she was stressed. And I told her that I would give her a break to get herself together because I didn’t wanna put any pressure on her, and thought letting her be single will make things better so she can recover from whatever was wrong, we never really talked after that, I texted her to see ifshe loved me anymore and she never showed it, I got depressed badly and went back to my home town for a week and her parents stayed in touch to say they loved me and they wanted us together, and she even texted me to check on me as if she still cared for me. And I came back a week later and we never talked until I graduated,she came to my graduation and was near me like she wanted to talk, but I never talked because I was hurt still, and she texted me the next day, and we texted and she asked if I wanted to get together and go out to eat, but it wouldn’t be a date. She said that she would text me the next day and never did, and I got hurt and very mad, and deleted her number, and blocked her on Facebook, and haven’t talked to her since, I’ve thought about her everyday since we broke up, my love for her hasn’t faded, I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over her, I tried everything possible, I deleted pictures and burned notes, just need advice. I know we only dated for only 4 months, but there is something about that girl that won’t let me let go of her, love is strong.
It sounds like you can’t forget her because you keep thinking of her. It is like fighting for peace, or eating to end hunger. It is a contradiction. The tighter you hold to your anger, the longer she will stay in your mind.
It also sounds like there was a lot of missed or messed up communication. Even if it is simply to clear the air and to settle your differences, it might help to get together (not a date, and probably not even over food) and talk about your status and your feelings, both the pleasant and the painful.
It sounds like you need to either relax and let her slip away, or you need to find her and get things straightened out between you.
I’ve given it my all, it’s been 7 months and she is still in my head, it just isn’t like me. She hasn’t dated no one since we broke up. I attempted to talk to other people that were nice and would be great to be with, but something within me just won’t let me. I visited back in September to see my coach and family and she saw me and we didn’t talk, just walked by each other, communication is a problem because I deleted her from Facebook and blocked her, and deleted her number. Even though she may still have my information, she hasn’t even tried to text me, which makes me think she moved on, but she is a very attractive girl that you would think would find a guy easily, but she isn’t in a relationship. I’m not sure if she is heart broken from the breakup when we were doing just fine (other than her being stressed about something), or if she thinks I’m mad at her, but I know that I’m willing to do anything to show I love her still, I want to send flowers but that would be weird because we haven’t talked in 6 months. I believe once she finds someone else I’ll leave, but it feels like my heart won’t let me stop thinking of her.
It sounds like you are clear on what the problem is, and what you need to do. You need to communicate with her.
She has, and always will have, a place in your heart. If you aren’t ready to give up on her, then you must find a way to communicate with her. Do you still have mutual friends who could help get a message to her? Is your love strong enough to find her and talk to her face to face? You have many options between those two, but I believe your next step is to reopen the lines of communication, and talk about what happened.
Stay strong, not for the sake of this relationship, but because it is in your nature. Even if you don’t feel it right now, the strength is in you.
hi….i am in love with a guy..Then we were just classmates,but i confessed my liking for him..and well he reacted like a gentleman and told me that he doesnt know me that well.But then he only initiated the conversation later.We became good chat buddies..But when confronted in real life,we dont acknowledge each other,i feel awkward and he is shy.He gets quiter when i am around.Things soured up and we lost touch.All this while I started liking him to a much larger extent.Now again we have started interacting.Now i am scared that i wont be able to distinguish the line between friendship and liking/love.I dont even know if he feels the same for me or not.I am ver confused:(
Well, it will become a little easier as you become more experienced with dealing with others in this way. You will also need to improve your communication skills. There is only one person on the planet who knows if he likes you, and exactly how he likes you. If you don’t ask, you will probably never know.
You are stronger than you know. Find a way to ask him how he feels, and give him some time to respond, I doubt he is as aware of his feelings as you are.
I got dumped recently 1 1/2 weeks ago I begged for him to stay and told him I’m gonna change I know I shouldn’t have done it but I had the feeling that I should so in my part I tried my best to fight for him. He’s British so I don’t know if the whole blog thingy works for him because he is so unpredictable. I came across on your blog trying to make myself better but I’m just wondering if it really works that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be even though its long distance relationship? Why do men say bad things whenever they try to break up with someone is that normal? I wanna get him back but I don’t know how its supposed to be our 2nd year anniversary on Dec 10th he has a plane ticket I bought it for him but he hasn’t canceled it yet I called him 3 days ago about he said he’s gonna try to cancel it and see where else he can go.
Well, this quote is about letting someone go who wants to leave. If you got ‘dumped’ I would say he not only wanted to leave, but that he has actually left.
That means he will either come back or not. That is out of your hands. Only he can make that decision.
As for the ticket, if you purchased it, I would think that you should get the money back, not him.
It sounds like, at least for the moment, he has little interest in returning. I would like for you to consider this time as an opportunity to improve yourself. Become the best person you can be, at this moment in time. Not because you think it will bring him back, but because you deserve to have the best, and to be the best.
You are stronger than you can imagine. Don’t let this get you down for too long. There is too much greatness within you, and out there waiting for you, to waste time crying. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen, just let it wash over you, and then move on.
This is the most sensible piece of advice.
I just found this article, after letting the one for me go. I knew it was not right for me to try to hold on and fight for.
It’s much better to allow someone the freedom of choice. I was very upset before reading this, but I’m not now. My action in letting him go was love.
Thanks for reading it and for taking the time to comment.
You said something that a lot of people don’t get, and that letting go is an act of love. To do otherwise is to treat them as a possession. Consider the following two posts:
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.
Hi, and thank you for the wonderful post. My bf of 2 years and I have been on a little brake. The fighting was getting out of control. And come to find out he has a problem with his pill use. I don’t even take Motrin, I dislike meds. Sense I was a little girl I new this man was “the one” 🙂 and now at 35 I see he has come to have many issues in his life. But I’m still willing to work past those things. I left him 2 months ago becasue he wouldent stop his drugs. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. But how
Long does that take someone to decide. My thoughts are taking over and I’m worried now he may be talking to someone else. So I have invited him to dinner the last few nights and he’s been “sick” I don’t believ that. Well last night I woke up in the middle of the night again with a heavy hurt heart. And I sent him a long text. I told him its clear he does not miss me the same way. And if we both our in love with each other like we say we our then anything can work. But it’s been 2 months and I will not waste my life on someone who doesent know what they want. If he can quit the drugs, be honest all the time and have a real commitment (ring, marriage and baby’s)and wants tat with me then he has until chritmas to decide….after the new year I have to move on and stop wishing you’ll come around. I hope I made the right move. Letting go of him has been the hardest thing iv ever done, and iv been trough a lot. What do I do now? And even though it’s too late was that text a smart move? Losing what I thought wast true love might kill me but I’ll survive….I have to let him decide. Help…
That was a brave and strong thing to do. Did you ever think you had that much strength in you? Now you know, and you can be that strong again, if necessary.
If there is that much fighting (I presume it was verbal), there are differences in direction, or very poor communication. Either way, that kind of friction is not a good sign for a long term relationship. Drug use is also not a good sign.
By sending the text, you have decided. It relieved you of one worry, and put another in place of it. However, you only have to wait a few more weeks, and you will know what you will do with the rest of your life. The matter is now in his hands, and he will make his decision.
Stay strong, and work on becoming the best possible person you can become at this moment in time. Not for him, but for you. You deserve nothing less than the best, from others, as well as from yourself.
HELLO… i was in a very deep relationship with my gal for 10 years….i am 25 now and she is a year younger to me… we met in school… grew up together, planned to get married but she had not told about us at her place and her parents did not allow her to get married to me saying that our horoscopes dont match and they forced n threatened her. But I asked her to be strong but she got really scared and just deceded overnight to leave me… a love which was there for 10 yrs was just abandoned in a minute…. i begged her,pleaded her but she did not care, n today even after 2 years i miss her deeply and i am unable to forget her but she is so indifferent to it… she doesnt even care to c if I am dead or alive… i miss her everyday… she has done a very horrible thing by showing me dreams for 10 years and then ditching me… i feel bad all the time…. I am so stuck in life…. what do i do ?
If you are stuck, it is because you are holding on to something, right? You will not be able to move from that spot until you let go.
You cannot control her and what she does. The last two years should have made that clear enough, yes? Admit it now, you will always love her. That is a fact of life, you never stop loving someone, you simply start loving someone new. She will always have a special place in your heart. But it is time to close the book and move on. If it helps, blame her parents for her behavior, but move on.
Take a little time for yourself. Find something to do, some way to become a better person. It will help you reconnect with yourself and you will become a better person in the meantime. As you work on improving yourself, life will continue.
You will get what you focus on. If you focus on the pain of her having left, you will have pain. If you focus on self-improvement, you will improve, and might just think about something other than your pain.
You are stronger than you know. You will get through this. You will go on to be a great person. Or you can sit there and be stuck and in pain. The choice is yours.
I have been with my fiance for 9 years now. He has always had a dream to move to California and live there. He has now been given the option to move there from the UK, we have discussed this and I told him I dont want him to live with regrets. I want him to give the chance he has been given a go. Although I am absolutely devastated about this I feel he needs to go and see if this works out for him. I would not want him to live with regrets in his life. He is due to go next week and I am in tears. He is upset too as he says it is a no win situation for him, if he doesnt go he looses out on the chance of a lifetime and if he does go he looses me. Ive told him I will always be here for him and I will always always love him. This quote totally relates to me, I will write it out on my desk and look at it every day while he is gone. How will I get through this….
Sorry to be so late in getting back to you. Life can be like this from time to time. My wife and I have had to work in different locations, but we were already married when that happened, so it’s a little different than what you are going through. That doesn’t make it any easier.
Neither of you can really win in this situation. The path forward will require strength, no matter what the outcome. Keeping in touch with him will help, until it becomes nagging. At times, that will be hard to find the line, to make sure you don’t cross it.
Just remember, you are far stronger than you believe. In the meantime, while you have some free time, consider what you can do to become the best possible you. What can you learn, what do you want to try, find, explore, or otherwise improve yourself?
I have a question. I have been with someone on and off for 24 years we have 4 beautiful daughters together and have been together since I was 15…… My question is one of the many times we separated I met someone new and fell head over heels in love with him…. We dated for 6 months and I ended up getting back with my ex…. A couple years later I flew to be with him for a weekend and didn’t want it to end I am deeply in love with him….. So I moved out of that state to another and it’s been 15 years and I am still as in love with him today as a was the first time I fell in love with him… He has recently came back into my life and I still want to be with him but I am living with my bf of 24 years….. He tells me he wants to be with me and that he loves me and wants me to come back to him and I want to but I am not sure what to do because I don’t want to be hurt anymore but I feel he won’t hurt me and he never has…… Please help I can’t get this man out of my heart or my mind and have not been able to stop thinking about or loving him for 15 years plus my family is all there also and I miss them dearly…..
Sorry to be so long in responding.
It looks like you will hurt someone no matter what you do. And I hope you will take the time to consider what you would feel a year from now, both with your bf of 24 years, your kids, and the new guy. Consider each option, and both the benefits (which you seem to have done already) as well as the regrets which will fill you no matter what you choose. Is the new (well, newer) guy worth hurting your bf of 24 years, as well as your kids? What will your family think of you? What if you move closer to them, only to find they don’t approve of your decision? Could that have been for naught?
Have you considered what your actions would say to your daughters? What will they learn from watching you? Will they consider you irresponsible for running away from your responsibilities, or irresponsible for not following your heart? I don’t know the answer, but I believe you should consider how your decision impacts those closest to you.
You are not in an easy position. It looks like there is going to be trouble no matter which decision you make. One decision I haven’t seen listed, which I would like for you to consider, is writing the newer guy off completely. As long as you hold out hope, can you ever truly let him go? It seems like you have never considered, much less acted on, ending that relationship. What if you considered him to be something to which you were allergic, and you would break out and possibly die if you had anything to do with him? That’s a silly way of addressing the issue, but I hope you can see the point I am trying to make.
This won’t be easy. It will impact not only your life, but the lives of your bf of 24 years, your 4 daughters, as well as the rest of your family and the other guy.
I wish you luck in your deliberations. Just remember that you are far stronger than you think. You can put up with and deal with more than you can imagine, if you decide you are willing to do so. Stay focused, think this through, and then make your decision. But once your decision is made, do not hesitate. Do not turn back. Decide and move boldly forward on your new path. To go back and forth only prolongs the misery and intensifies the pain for all involved.
Well I have tried for 15 years to forget him and I can’t the love I feel for him is to strong…. My daughters tell me to follow my heart and that they know I am sad and depressed all the time and just want to see me happy…. My girls know him and to this day are great friends with his daughter…. My bf of 24 years has cheated on me with 2 family members married another woman met woman online for intimate encounters….ect…. I don’t think I deserve to stay with him or in a situation like that…. I always talk to my daughters before I do something that will impact their lives and they tell me to go where my heart takes me….. As for my family the ones that matter all love the other guy!!!!!!
Then it sounds like you have made your decision. All that is left is determining how you will go about the act of separation.
How will you break the news to him? How will you divide that which you own together? How will you move your stuff out? Have you made sure the other guy is ready for you to move in? What is his time-table for all this activity?
Lots of planning to do. Stay strong and be as prepared as possible. I’m not sure the bf of 24 years will take it well…
Hello, I dated my ex for about a year and half. We had an amazing relationship for the first 8 months we were some much in love something that we both never experienced from the first day we met our chemistry was very strong. As our relationship grew our insecurities allowed are relationship to unwind. We started getting jealous, fighting a lot and having trust issues. our inexperience of being so much in love led us to listen to outside factors and people. We ending breaking up after a year and half. I loved her very much but wasn’t sure if I could marry her and I wanted some time apart from her to evaluate the relationship and my feelings. After about 3 months apart I realized what we had was truly special and attempted to get her back however, she already moved on and was dating somebody else. We had serious talks and possibly getting back together but she was still hurt with the things we went through and was optimistic about her new potential relationship. She eventually asked me to stop contacting her so she could get over our relationship and pursue her new relationship. I did not speak with her for about two months and then she unblocked me from Facebook and we started speaking again. After talking for a little I asked her if I could take her out to dinner for her bday and she entertained the idea for a little bit and then told me she is starting to develop feelings for her current relationship and did not it think it was the right thing to do. I called her right after that message and we had a long conversation and I explained to her my points of view and ultimately that I loved her more than anything and she was the one and I could marry her. That is where I am currently at now and I don’t know what to do. I just feel like the girl I am supposed to be with and marry has gotten away. If the quote about loving something and letting it go is true then she really didn’t love me or should would have tried again? I am not sure what to do at this point but she is slipping away and I wake up every morning thinking about her. Have I not let things fully take their course or is she gone forever?
I look forward to your feedback !
JB
The point of the quote is that if you keep chasing and trying to control someone who doesn’t want to be with you, you will eventually lose for they will eventually escape you. If I am reading your comment correctly, that doesn’t apply to your situation.
It sounds like you have tried to explain your position and situation to her, so communication does not seem to be the issue. It looks like the situation is in her hands. Have you considered trying to woo her all over again? What did you do to catch her eye in the first place? What did you do that convinced her to go out with you?
Stay strong, and consider using your spare time to work on becoming a better you. Not for her sake, but for yours.
When I first met a girl in my life, she was the first person I felt in love with. Two years later we broke up and i’m happy now, Im in a new relationship with an older woman, which isn’t as beautiful as the first one, but the good thing is that I’m less jealous.
To me, having a beautiful woman beside me is a very big problem, there are guys who are stronger, smarter than me and maybe more attractive than me and I don’t like competition.
Not like those other shy boys, guys – I’m an alpha male, but I hate trying hard for women. I think it comes naturally without any effort.
I like doing my own things and for me women are just benefits of life, companions who accompany me in my journey thru life.
I really don’t know what women see in me and why they stick with me. Now I understood, that I like relationships with less attachment, but with the same respect to one another.
I hate women sitting on my neck and waiting for me to entertain them. I think women can entertain themselves without me and let me do my introverted stuff by myself.
To add something to the topic, I would say:
You get what you deserve and regretting about your past won’t change a thing. There is no reason to jump into the same swamp if you once got out of there.
Going back to something, will make you feel same way. If you have separated once – you will separate twice. In love there is no second time.
It does happen or it doesn’t. That’s pretty much it.
PS. KC King, could you make pictures on your future posts centered and text underneath? It would be easier to read. Now it makes my eyes go sideways!!
Some people are forever, others are helpful in learning about ourselves.
There are plenty of songs about the joys of a less-than-beautiful woman, so you’re not alone in that regard.
I’m not sure what you meant by my pictures making your eyes to sideways… Can you tell me what browser you use and what your window size is? In theory, there should be a picture in the upper left corner, with a narrow column of text on the right side, until it gets below the picture, when it expands to full width.
What do you see?
I see as you describe. Non-full width text is a bad choice. I really don’t know who was that genius who invented it! 🙂
Thanks, wise words♥
Glad you liked them. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
I met this guy in tallahassee about 7 months ago at an atm i helped his friend out cause he was having a problem with his card. I never saw any of the guys again until i went back home to miami in the summer. I met one of the guys again at a hotel in miami beach and he remembered me. since we both go to the same school in tallahassee he decided to stay in contact with me. We hung out several times in the summer after that day and he started having feelings for me but i was still caught up on my ex and i made sure to let him know. he never gave up on me though. my ex though hurt me badly so i decided to focus on myself and move on. when i came back to tallahassee for school, i hung out with him again and little by little my feelings for my ex started going away and i started developing feelings for him. we then started dating and it was amazing. it was perfect. nothing was wrong. we never argued or anything. we dated for 2 months. and things seemed as though they were getting serious. he always made sure to let me know that he wanted to be with me. i was scared that neither of us might be ready though. but he eventually asked me to be his gf on october 3. on october 6 he told me he wanted to come over to talk to me. he came and told me he was not ready to be in a relationship. i asked him if there was anyone else but he said no. i told him if it was anything i did and he said no that his feelings for me were still the same. but he said that he felt like things were a bit rushed and that he just is not ready to be committed. he has only been in 1 relationship for 4 years and he was still in a relationship with her when i first met him at the atm in tallahassee. he has only been single for 7 months and 3 of those months he was hung up on me. he said that he thought he was ready to be in a relationship again but that he isnt. that he did not get to enjoy his high school years cause he was in a relationship the entire time and he was also in the beginning of college and that since he is not ready he wants to take his time and figure out what it is that he wants and he wants to enjoy himself while he is single. He told me i could text him whenever i wanted but that he doesnt feel like he can see me since he still cares for me. he just thought it was best to be honest than to string me along and play me. Since i did not really do anything wrong and what we had was more than great, do you think he will eventually realize what he had and come back?
Anything is possible. He is probably just taking some ‘me’ time. It sounds like he left the door open, and the lines of communication are still there.
You have an idea of what he thinks he wants, and he hasn’t ruled you out. In your free time, I would recommend taking some time to improve yourself, to become a better person in whatever manner seems appropriate to you.
And always remember to stay strong, for we are far stronger than we imagine.
I moved across the country for a girl two years ago and moved in with her. We were so good together and had such a strong and deep connection. At times, I wanted to come home due to missing my friends and family, but powered through it to stay with her. It was hard leaving everything behind and giving up everything for a single person, but I thought she was worth it. I made mistakes and talked to other girls in a flirtacious manner. At the time when I was doing it, I didn’t really see it as being anything too horrible and didn’t think much of it, but when I saw how much pain it caused her I knew it was unacceptable.
When she found out, she told me to get out and go home. As I prepared to return home, I quit my job and was supposed to leave in a few days. The day before I was supposed to return home, she told me she wanted me to stay. I explained to her I was unemployed and she said it would be fine and to not worry about it. Of course, the unemployment caused problems and she would constantly bring up the fact that I had talked to other girls. I was unemployed for a few months until finding a temporary position.
The temp gig only lasted a few months so I decided to come home to visit my family for the holidays while I had the chance. After being back for a week, she said she was done and couldn’t do it anymore. I made all the classic mistakes, calling, instant messaging, etc. Nothing worked. She just responded with pure hatred. It caused me to lose everything and put me in a pretty rough spot. It was mainly my fault, but I feel she could have handled it differently.
It just hurts me to know that if I wouldn’t have made the mistakes I had made, then maybe we would still be together. Some things that happened during the relationship were beyond our control which I didn’t add in, but it almost felt as if the perfect storm of bad events occurred to break the relationship apart.
The circumstances when we first met were strange as well which led me to believe that things were meant to be. I know she won’t come back and it saddens me. I honestly don’t know why I’m even posting this. I know I made mistakes and caused the relationship to go downhill. I wish I could do something to fix it, but I know I can’t. I’ve done everything. When someone decides they’re done, they’re usually done no matter what you say or do.
I thank you for your willingness to share your story. By doing so, you may help others, and that is a noble thing to do.
Stay strong, and work on becoming a better person. Learn from your experience, and let go of the regret and anger, for they do you no good.
I have HAD a boyfriend who is now married but wishes to be just friends. It is this I battle with. Its great in theory but hard in reality but I would be letting go a decade of friendship.
Then I HAD RECENTLY about a year ago started seeing a separated man not yet divorced. He was obviously in emotion turmoil with what had happened in the marriage, stating she took all her frustrations out on him in a physical way. Whilst I was happy to be JUST a friend and in the future possible more when all this was cleared up (his divorce) I would not be putting my self through HIS divorce (as I had one extremely messy/painful break up behind me) so was not strong enough too, plus its unattractive.
But I do miss this person and wonder if we could try again and whether he is new divorcing (so expensive) or not.
I can’t seem to walk away from then both one just for the friendship, other possible future relationship…. I just feel I am too old to make more mistakes.
If you feel you don’t have the time to make mistakes, then take your time and make sure you do it right.
What do you need? What are you willing to settle for? What is a deal-breaker? Do you know and can you articulate your limits? That is a good place to start. Then have discussions with the other people involved and see if they are interested in the same things.
If not, move on, and start looking for the places your ideal mate would hang out. If you’re looking for some responsible and likely to stay true to you, would you be more likely to find them in a church or a pub? Not that everyone in pub is a reprehensible womanizer, but pubs do seem to gather more than their fair share of them.
Stay strong. You’re never too old, unless you think you are.
I finished with my ex almost 4 years ago. I loved his personality, good looks but ignored all the rest.
He had a girlfriend, was engaged and two children. I was a single parent so his company was exciting. I have morals and tried to end the relationship many times but pathetically gave in most times he wanted to see me. It was every few months, sometimes more frequently.
We did fall in love and this relationship continued for many years but I lost respect for him towards the end of it and for myself and eventually cut all ties and moved on. He did too. He later married.
He has recently come back to me as a friend, I thought of him occasionally in the past had a weep for a bit then was fine. But this is different as just friends I want to tell him he hurt me/I hurt myself equally to blame. Its only been a month but I think how happy he is in a new city, new wife 5 years, new career. My life is dull in comparison- I know that’s childish and normally I don’t care for such things but as I am jealous, feeling angry, getting down and a little blue is it obvious I should cut all contact from him-as life was hard before but at least I got up each morning with one or to goals to achieve.
This has made me want to try again with a recent ex. He adores me and would bit do anything for me. So why did we split?? Well he was separated from his wife but said had too many debts so had to wait, then he said why should he pay anyway. I could see he clearly had issues with her still and I did not want to go through a divorce with him. Then my daughter had just gone off to university so I was a bit needy too. He was very kind and said I could move in with him as I had financial problems but I just felt rushed and like I was heading for a fall unless he divorced first.
We fell out when I was stressed, he came round and tried to get physical (we not been before) so I felt why then. It’s been over a year my baggage has gone, I don’t know about his. If we try again it will be our third time as we dated in our youth broke up, he rebound married (which his still in and said it was always rough). When we did start to see each other last year he would always say he hates us parting and couldn’t bear to loose me again. So at the moment it’s no contact with him at his request.
If I tried to get this relationship going again-this pressure to not break up and disappoint him stops me from just contacting him giving it a go after some chats.
Am I just wanting him so I don’t end up alone now that I’m 44, he 55, I would like to think we could have something.
Your thoughts on my emotional messes.
It sounds like you have to decide what your priorities are. If I am reading this correctly, you have both an old boyfriend who is married, and a newer boyfriend, who is not yet completely divorced? Which do you truly wish to be with? Once you have decided, things should become a little clearer for you.
There is an old saying that the person who chases two rabbits will catch neither may well apply here.
Then there is the issue of marriage. If either of them is willing to divorce someone to be with you, what are the odds that they will later divorce you to be with someone else? That is something else you might wish to consider.
On the other hand, if they are willing to stay married, and still spend time with you, what does that make you, in their eyes? Don’t fall for their flattering words, but judge them by their actions. If that is a life you are willing to lead, then you have your answer.
I hope that gave you some things to think about. My opinion really doesn’t matter, as I do not have to live with the consequences of your decisions. That is your job. 8)
Take a little time and consider your options, and the consequences of your decisions. Double check with the other people, so that you are sure of their reactions and responses. Then act.
He made visit a couple weeks ago before we started “no talk”. We planed our future together, when we will move together to end this long distance. After he left, my insecurity and fear drove myself wildly. I sense he was acting distant and started nagging him. He has a extraordinary busy work schedule and I knew that, but just felt I couldn’t handle it at that time. I felt I was losing him, have the fear consistently.
Now after a month without communication, I have been thinking a lot. I want him and want to have a family together in the future. I don’t know what he wants now since he doesn’t want to talk. I have to respect him. I concentrate on my work, keep myself busy, but I just can’t stop crying when I’m alone at weekends.
I know I can’t do anything and don’t want to change his willingness, but want to know where we are. And an acknowledgement.
Thank you
It sounds like a failure to communicate. You will have to find a way to get a conversation going. From his view, you may have left him, or hurt his feelings. You should be prepared to address that with him. But it sounds like he isn’t responding at all. In that case, I don’t know what else you can do, besides send him a text stating that if he doesn’t reply, you’ll know it is over. That is kind of drastic, but I don’t know what other options you have.
Thank you very much for the advise. It has been another 3 weeks now. Still no response. And I haven’t contacted him for a whole month. I thought I would be fine, since I made a decision. Just let it go. But yesterday, I went collapsed and cried a lot. Things are getting pretty tough. I do care him still. He is my first love. I’m still in love with him. Try to forget someone I love dearly is too difficult.
Life will have ups and downs. Stay strong, and understand that you will have moments of weakness. You’re only human. You will never forget him, that is the nature of first loves. However, there will come a time when you can move on. That time has not yet arrived, but it will, if you let it.
Hi there,
I feel temporary released after reading your article. I accused my boyfriend chatting with someone else and asked him if he’s seeing someone else. Since then, he hasn’t talked to me for a month. We are in a long distance relationship for a year and half so far.
I knew I made a mistake and I apologised to him. We used to text everyday and to know each other is ok. But we haven’t contacted for 1 month. He didn’t say he wants to end our relationship, just refused to communicate. I made contact after the first and second week, but no response.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, and for sharing your story.
Stay strong, and work on improving yourself while the future unfolds. Become a better you, in whatever manner makes the most sense to you.
philosiblog,
This is exactly what I just said to my bf of one year, “Letting go will clarify things for the both of us… if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out. If not, we will be doing what we were meant to do.” I have been sad, however, ever since I said that to him and then googled this site. I wrote him a letter further explaining, as well… Basically stating that I felt it was not necessary to meet face to face, since we’ve been over this topic before and that I know we cannot change another person, only ourselves. I felt it was a moot point to meet, so I did break up with him over the phone. I do regret that, but I just didn’t want emotions in person to change my mind. I know it was an unexpected break up because we never fought, just discussed things. All he could say was, “Wow”, when I told him this on the phone. I just didn’t want to continue on as things were and I had talked with him previously about things, but never gave him the impression that it would end the relationship.
I was never direct (that’s just not me) but communicated several times that I felt that he was in a “wrong direction” with believing in conspiracy theories. Finally, I had just had enough of his paranoid talk and ended things over the phone. I told him later in a letter that I had faith and have been struggling to be on the same page with him, for several months. I told him that I believe that love should persevere, but logic tells me that we have two different beliefs and that it’s probably unwise to ignore it. Finally, I said all the things I loved about him and I would be willing to listen if he felt there was a way…
I have not heard a peep from him and wonder if I should contact him to tell him I know I was reactionary, but I was just so tired of all the “conspiracy talk”. I felt that if we talked about his one more time, it would be giving an ultimatum and I didn’t want to give someone an ultimatum, as they never really work, anyway. So, I just let him go…. as you say here.
I guess my guilt is in not directly telling him like an adult… face to face – and not letting him know that I was getting tired of all these videos he was sending me. I just let it build up, until I broke up with him. Should I give it a second chance and a talk – or should I wait until he contacts me, if ever?
We all must have rules by which we live. If his conspiracy theories crossed that line, then he needs to know that is unacceptable behavior.
Take some time and consider what you can handle, and what you will not accept. If you don’t know, how could he possibly know, and how could you tell him?
You will have to decide how important he is to you. Can you put up with the videos, or can you tell him to not send them? Will he agree, or will he send them anyway? Do the conspiracy discussions get old as well, and take up valuable time? Can you handle that, or are you better off without him?
I am a proponent of frequent and frank communications. I would feel worse about letting something build up than not standing in front of him. But that’s me and what I value, along with a lot of lessons learned over the years.
I would suggest you open the lines of communication, but only after you know what you will say. You will need to explain yourself, and to explain what you are or are not willing to accept from him. Once you know that, and have talked to him, the ball is in his court.
Yesterday she wrote briefly to me without any reason she is not coming to Facebook anymore and goodbye , meaning no more waiting for her letters, meaning is over.
Sometimes that is the way it goes. Sorry to hear about it. However, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. What will you do first?
UKAT my advise would be to give him the time he need to recover from his previous relationship, this is often essential for us all. To end one relationship and heal/reflect before starting another.
Whether in this time you communicate with no expects of getting back together is up to you. I would do just that though have no expectations and in the mean time have fun as philosiblog has said learning new things, doing new things. After all this will make you attract and interesting to potential partners including the one you like than simply sitting around so to speak or worse acting ‘desperate’.
Thank you for the great advice. Really cool to see so many supportive strangers out in the world. 🙂
Glad I was able to be of some assistance. Lots of friendly and helpful people seem to stop by. Feel free to come back and visit anytime.
Your welcome, glad you found it of some use – As you can see from the blog I have been through it recently- still am to an extent, but focusing/pressing my on to the future- I don’t know whether I qualify for a degree from the university of life yet!:)
Ha! I don’t think the University of Life gives degrees, just exams.
This entry was great and so was reading everyone’s comments. You give really great advice! I am in a very similar situation and agree wholeheartedly with your post. My (now ex)boyfriend and I secretly liked each other for over a year but he was in a serious long term relationship when we first met. We never did anything or even said anything about our secret crushes on each other. When they broke up, he took that as his chance to finally go for me, and we were together for 6 months. But… he always knew and was very clear that he wanted to move somewhere else for a few months to clear his mind, reboot and soul search. He has been nothing short of faithful to me and has put in a lot of effort to make this work, so I don’t doubt that he is crazy about me. He just feels that he’s still afraid to fully commit to a long term relationship with me and needs to go alone to also get over his fear of relationships falling apart, especially since this year has been so hard on him. Neither of us are sure how long it will take him to figure things out (he wants it to be 3-4 months, but could be longer, of course I’m hoping that it will be shorter?) We always knew that our relationship would have to be put on hold (possibly end altogether if timing never worked out for us again). We broke up a few days ago because neither of us could handle the uncertainty anymore, and it has been very difficult for me to try balancing having hope for us in the future while still moving on. I’m realizing how terrifying hope really is, when the reality of things settles in and tries to knock my hope down. Do you have advice for that? Is it a dangerous thing to still hope for something? I’m hoping we can still keep in touch, as it’s hard for me to imagine not talking to him at all since we started off as friends before this. Or is it best to give him complete space, and let him learn to miss me on his own? Any words of wisdom, encouragement and hope would mean the world to me right now. Thanks in advance. 🙂
As far as the dangers of hope, that depends on how you define hope. If it is great if it happens, and you’ll live if it doesn’t, then hope is fine. If you’re more heavily invested in the outcome, it isn’t really hope anymore, but edging closer to an obsession, right?
As for what to do regarding communications, why don’t you ask him? I know you’ve officially parted, but if you sent him an e-mail asking what the ground rules were, you won’t have to guess, right?
As for words of encouragement, just the usual. You are far stronger than you know. You can handle this, no matter what the outcome, if you put your mind to it.
Thinking of your mind, if you spend much time worrying about him or the relationship, are you really using your mind, or your time, wisely? Stay strong and use this time to improve yourself. Now that you have a little free time, what have you wanted to do, learn, or try? Improve yourself, not for him, but for you. Become a better you. And have some fun doing it!
This is really wonderful advice. Thank you so much for the beautiful words and insight.
We have actually both discussed the communication topic and said that we would stay in touch, but I was just wondering if you thought it was better one way or the other. (Since you know how lots of people say it’s better if exes don’t talk at all. At least for a while.)
Great words of encouragement, I will definitely use this time to improve myself and focus more on what makes me happy. Thank you again!
Thanks for reply, regarding my case few days ago, now she is back writing to me every day in her letters I feel the combination of love and friendship, she said she never married in the past and she has no one in her life, she feels very close to me looks like she believes in me, she is very strong women and independent high educated, she says she believes in love and she wishes to be in love one day, now I feel she needs me as a friend or love I don’t know .
Well, it’s a step forward. You have more information, which (of course) generates even more questions.
I believe in open and clear communications, and that is what I would recommend. Continue with letters (or e-mail, whatever works for you) and see what develops.
While you are working on finding out more about her, continue to develop yourself. Not to be the person you think she wants, but to be the best person you could become. What does that mean? Depends on who you are, and how you want to grow.
And always remember to stay strong in the face of everything life may throw at you. You may not be able to win by forcing things directly, but if you are flexible and learn from you experiences, you can find a way around and continue on your journey.
First of all thank you once again for your insightful replies and giving your time freely to do that for me and the others, It is much appreciated!
I would like to share my decision. I decided for now to start as internet friends with occasional email/Facebook messaging and maybe keep it this way. I won’t be going on his page but I won’t blocking him either. I then sent him an email updating him on events in my life. He responded back with similar details and a look forward to hearing from you soon. I was pleased with my own maturity but worried by the speak soon as I do want it to be occasional. I was 5 years since we last spoke, so my emotions have settled much.
I have been reading a poem I found on the net, this has helped my much too as I try to follow it and remain positive. I have pasted in below. I hope that’s ok-it wasn’t copy written.
LETTING GO
(Author Anon- I was once in your shoes thinking I would never love again but am very happy and loved more in a new relationship!)
To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore.
It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret.
Letting go isn’t winning and it isn’t losing.
It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear,
And it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past.
Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts,
And doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness.
It’s not giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn’t about loss, and it’s not defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and to move on.
It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.
Letting go is accepting.
It is learning and experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, made you grow.
It’s about all that you have, all that you had and all that you will soon gain.
Letting go is courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up.
It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.
To let go is to open a door, to clear a path and to set yourself free.
Thanks again, hope you keep blogging!
I think that’s an excellent poem. We can hold on to the good and let the bad pass away. My feelings for my ex-wife are nowhere near what they were during the divorce. While I remember why we are no longer together, I no longer use it as a weapon to berate her memory. There was good in her, and we had good times and pleasant moments. I work on releasing the parts of the past which are unpleasant, while retaining what is useful and good.
Remember that you are strong, and you can be as strong as you need to be. Perhaps even stronger than you might have imagined.
I write a final reply/update as it might help others as it does myself.
My ex sent me an funny article which I read this morning, it made me realise that in our case we can stay together forever in each others lives (don’t know the future ) having a great relationship but as just friends.
I wanted to hold on to the memory of us in our great romantic stage and not have it replaced by memories of what I thought was second best, replaced with memories of just being a friend. But I love all my friends dearly and am glad for them. I have a new one now. That’s a blessing. I am glad I did not cut him off- or try to compete with his wife, or undignify or disrespect myself and throw myself at him.
In about a week I have gone from distraught to peace ( don’t get me wrong a few tears have still dropped) and this is because of my Christian faith and it’s modern day miracles, a lot of reading, thinking and a bit of wine and yourself , a person who has been there for me and you have helped greatly, so thank you for the last time and best wishes.
Congratulations! I’m glad that you two have been able to overcome the hurt and anger (to a large extent, the passage of time will continue to help) and come to grips with that which you have in common.
Hey ….. lovely poem
Sometimes life does to us things beyond our imagination and the best way to be happy is to let go and accept the reality. I met a person and we crossed each others lives but we are far ….much far he is with someone and i am also good but the memories are fresh. We are still in touch and I try to be assured that he is doing good and knowing that he is happy gives me a sense of peace.
I thank God that we met and even after one year we are still in touch.
.. So I let him go …. after all isn’t love all bout setting free and seeing your loved one happpy.
Cause if you love someone let them go … <3
Thanks for such a wonderful comment. So many people are desperate to have, and unwilling to let go. Imagine trying to hold on to a butterfly? Would they be anywhere as happy or as beautiful always in your hand as they would be flying free?
Thanks you for stopping by, and I’m glad you have found a way to be happy for them, and to let them be free. It is at the heart of this quote:
In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.
Thank you so much for your well thought through reply. It has helped immediately as has my visit to church. I do not have a boyfriend I just wrote this to my ex as I did not want to say I do not want to speak to you at this time on the phone. I do have regret but I know I didn’t act and discuss this with him fully for many reason, so here I am today and maybe its for the best. I think its just a shock to hear from him again as I did not and was not looking back.
However, I have known him for a decade or more and the relationship had a bond and a friendship. I was distraught because I felt it best not to speak to him again, so I was partly mourning my friendship with him. I was also upset that he was with someone else now that he loved like he once love me and that I was simply a or going to be friend.
I will not be breaking up any marriages or trying to take him away from his wife but I don’t think I will never speak to him again that seems like a mistake (as we spent so much time together and it might be what we both want if I make my mind up and come to that conclusion), although I sometimes think this is the best option.
So I will be a friend whether that be via email only, or the occasion met up as we both travel the country I do not know as yet. I will spend today only thinking about it, as its consumed to much of my time already. I know somewhere down the line I will find out why all this happened and be thankful I hope (wish)! Peace!!!!
That is all I can ask for, that you give it some thought. You must make the decisions, as you will bear the consequences. There is strength within each of us. Never forget that.
I met a man 20 years ago I just came out of a relationship and he was engaged so we parted and remained friends despite one of us moving cities. 7 years later we were in the same city and his relationship was on the rocks. how much on the rocks I didn’t know but I never went to his house so never believed him despite him asking me to have a baby, and get a love nest together. We split due to this and two years later he was married. I did not see him for 5 years but we became facebook friends recently. I was happy with this just chit chat about family and meeting up if in the same city. Then he gave me his number and I gave him mine. He said he would call that week and I said not too as it would upset my boyfriend.
Truth is it would upset me and has. I loved him then and miss him now but have been tearful and unable to do anything. I don’t know why I left him at the same time he left me- we have not communicated for 5 years why am I full of regret. I want to be friends I would regret it in the long run but am angry with him now all of a sudden. Is it fair on his wife too. is it too tall an order maybe I just need to recover from my PMT too. I feel desperate????
That sounds complicated. As simply as I understand it, you are in a relationship and he is married. Yes, you have feelings for him and regrets for not having acted in the past.
But the past is the past. What is the right thing to do now? If he leaves her for you, do you have any guarantee that he won’t later abandon you for another old love or lover? What of your boyfriend? What are your feelings for him, and how will this impact his life?
Finally, there is you. Your inability to do anything is most likely do to the confusion you feel, given all the possibilities. I call it ‘analysis paralysis.’ You have to become clear about your options.
You talk about all the different feelings you have had in the past, and how you feel now. Consider how you would feel if you traveled the different paths. How would your life be? Don’t just take the best possible path, but also consider what might happen if things went badly. What then?
In the end, you will have to determine if you want him badly enough to break his marriage and become ‘the other woman’. This is a major decision, and you will have to live with the consequences. Not only for yourself, but for the other lives you will impact. Whether he is ‘coming back’ or not, you still have duties and responsibilities, not just to your own personal desires. It won’t be an easy time, but I believe you can figure out the right thing to do. Stay strong, and do what you know is right.
Just to let you know, I let someone go… But, I think that we will be together. It is only if he accepts the realities of life. In time, which he needs, I think he will. In the meantime I will accept mine. But, this is not a decision to take lightly and I don’t think there are any “right” choices. Sometimes perhaps better, but definitely not “right.”
Indeed, such decisions are not to be taken lightly. However, sometimes they are not ours to make, as the other person is the one choosing to leave. One can hope they find their way back, but what will you do in the mean time?
As for “right” choices, the debate between relative and absolutes goes back quite some time. Here’s a question – Is there such a thing as a “wrong” choice? If so, does that imply that there is a “right” choice, or is that presumption invalid? Why or why not?