If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown
Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.
What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.
The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).
By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.
Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”
Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.
To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?
Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.
How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?
An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?
You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.
Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.
This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.
From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM
I am a married man with 2 children for 16 years not a good marriage always fight I tried to work hard for marriage to works but never we could fix it we both live together we don’t talk to each other for 4 months we are waiting either someone to buy the house . now in extreme bad financial situation anytime bank may takes over the house,
two months a go accidently I met a nice girl online very far me in another country, I became deeply in love with her at the first time I saw her pic and it is my first true love I ever had in my entire life I never experience this feeling before a bout any women including my wife, at the beginning when I met her online I felt she loves me so many time she said she loved me but suddenly she backs up I felt her feeling about me is gone, I wrote many letters to her some times she said briefly she is on vacation that set , in her last letter about 10 days a go I wanted to tell her goodbye she wrote me she loves me and she wishes I was there for her coming birth day next week but when I asked her which day is she did not respond , I am not sure what is going on, do you think I have to continue in touch with her or not or let her go, the bad thing is I am deeply in love with her and is hurting me a lot I have not even seen her, what should I do.
First, I would be very careful about people you meet online. They might not be who they appear to be. That includes me, of course. 8) If she was that concerned, why did she not reply? There are a few other things you mention which makes me suspicious of this other person.
I imagine your sudden feelings for her are a result of a release of all the feelings you have not had in your marriage these last few months. Given your number of years married, I presume your kids are in their early teens? How are they doing in this trying situation? What will happen with them should you leave for your new ‘friend’?
As for the feeling you are calling love, it is obviously not being returned. And somehow, I doubt it is actually love, but more likely infatuation infused with lust. Again, there are others involved in this situation, and simply running away from your family will not solve your problems. Such passions as you describe rarely last very long. Then what? How do you go forward from there?
Life isn’t easy, and it is often very complex. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, yourself included, take time and think this through.
hey so i met this girl a couple years ago and i fell in love with her after some time. When i told her i like her she didnt feel the same way. i was depressed because i couldnt stop thinking about her and i felt like the world revolved around her. i did whatever i could to make her happy and yet the only thing i got in return was myself being slowly destroyed. Eventually i accepted it, and now were great friends. we work together but in a couple months shes leaving to go overseas. i know im gonna miss her like crazy coz deep down i still have those feelings for her but im not sure how to let them go, i feel like im getting back to that depressed state i was in. at the time i told her i liked her i was a douche doing stupid stuff that may have put her off. years on and i have turned my life around and even shes seen the good in me, shes already with someone and moving overseas soon by herself, but she sed she likes me more now than she used too, but i think its a little too late. i accepted just being a friend but with her leaving soon i feel like a part of my heart is leaving too. how do i manage to stay strong or move on completey? im in a good place right now and i dnt want to go back to being depressed.
Life is full of regrets. Would you rather regret that she left without you talking to her about your feelings towards her more than talking to her, and finding out the truth? You are in a comfortable gray area at the moment. If it works for you, stay there.
Personally, I have too many stories like that in my past. My personal preference is truth and as much communication as is possible. You will have to balance your need to know with the hope of what might have been. I believe you are strong enough to handle it either way, but you will have to live with the results, not me.
And there may be a third option between yes and no. There might be a ‘come visit me after I settle in, and we can talk.’ You never know. Until you ask.
Philosiblog. Recently in the last week i have lost my beloved boyfriend of nearly a year. The relationship was always a bit one sided from me towards him. Not as bad as Ron & Lavender Brown in Harry Potter, but an example of that on a much smaller scale. I know that if we ever get back together, it would result from me going to him. But since technically that is coming back to me, please tell me that counts for something. He has my whole heart, never felt this way before.
Great blog by the way 🙂
Thanks for the kind words, and I’m glad you stopped by.
Just remember, this quote doesn’t apply to every situation. From what you said, I infer that he walked away from the relationship. That starts the quote. But not every person follows the same path. The point of the quote is that if you have to fight to keep them (or get them back), how often will you have to fight and fight again to keep them? And eventually, you will fail. Then what?
If you think he is worth it, don’t abandon the relationship. But you will need to change tactics, and draw him in. You’ll have to figure out that part, the actual details of relationships are far too intricate to get remote help from the web.
Stay strong, and stay true to yourself. Always do that much, and your life should be fairly pleasant, enriching, and rewarding.
Thank you philosiblog for your response, it is much appreciated & has given me direction for how to act. Keep up the good work with your insightful & intelligent blog/comments 🙂
You are very welcome. I’m glad I was able to help you as you consider what you are going to do. Just remember, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of the decisions made. My advice is simply that, advice. You must still do the heavy lifting. You must put in the work. You must bear the burdens. And you will live with the consequences. Consider my words, but you must do what is right for you.
And always remember to stay strong.
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”
Hello,
I want to share my story where i foolishly lost my love of life.
To be honest I have had few crushes before and had proposed a girl where i was rejected. After that i just thought of being single and getting married to someone whom my parents will look for me. (Talking about arranged marriages that usually happens in Asia)
But then, 3 yrs ago i fell in love with my colleague on the first sight and proposed her on my birthday party night that year. She just accepted me to be her boyfriend and husband in the future. She was just too caring, lovable, generous and so beautiful. All we looked for is to spend the life together.
She was very honest. She told me about her past relationship and everything that was in her life before she met me. The other side I had kept some secrets about my life before i met her. I thought it is better that i do not speak to her about it fearing i may lose her.
We used to hangout with few of my friends who then became common friends for us. A year and a half ago just before the Valentines day she got to know my hidden secret through a common friend. She immediately called me to meet her that day and asked me if what she heard from a friend is true or false. I accepted it as my mistake to have hidden it. Things just messed up that day. She was uncontrollable, she said i am no more her BF and was just an ex then on. The next day she invited me to talk and gave me another chance to give a fresh start to the relationship.
I loved her a lot but at the back of my mind i always used to think, what if there comes a situation where she picks up an argument over my hidden facts and things get messed up again ? there were a whole lot of confusions in mind if the relationship is going to last. We spoke on this issue and she always assured me that she will never bring up that topic again in life. Almost a year and a half passed by but i was not convinced. We were still in relationship where i did not show much of excitement. During this time i had also tried telling her that we should end this relationship, but then she didn’t wanna leave me as she believed it will work sometime.
She didn’t like the fact that i was not showing the excitement in the relationship. She loved me so much that she wanted to let me go and find my happiness in life. She dint wanna hold on to me anymore. 3 months ago, she asked me if i still wanted to marry her or not. With great difficulty within myself i told No to her. She cried and politely said ” sorry, i could not be the person you looked for” and asked if we could be friends and i accepted. She told me, if in case things dint work out for me i can get back to her any day.
I really loved her and I still love her more than before. My corrupt mind just made me say No to her.
We tried to move on from the next day, we stopped meeting as much possible. She made some new friends and kept herself busy.
15 days past our breakup I started to feel i have done a serious mistake by saying No to someone whom i wanted to spend my life with. I went to her and expressed my feelings for her, my regrets, i apologized and told her i don’t wanna lose her. I asked if we could get back ? She was straight forward with her reply saying she will never get back into a relationship with me.
We went out for dinners at times and then spoke on how life has changed and i used to feel jealous/sad when she spoke something that i could not digest.
For around 2 months i requested her to get back for which she stood by her word as not getting back forever. When asked the reason, she gave me different reasons every time i asked her like “she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore”, “she doesn’t trust me anymore” “she thinks it will not work out”, ” her sister and her friends will never let her get back”, ” she has 2 minds, she wants me and doesn’t want me as well”, ” she said i am too late and i should have got back to her at least 10 days ago … ” huh !!
There was a time when she told me that she can never hold any other guy’s hand other than mine. Just a month after the breakup she accidentally held my hand and said ” i feel so weird to hold your hand” !!
She told me i am not great as a boyfriend but then i am an amazing friend to be with which she doesn’t want to lose. (There are a million times that she had told me that “you are the best bf one can ever have”)
She made her priorities set for her future and it was getting tough for me to be her friend. I told her, i am not happy with the current day i am living in and she said that is the same she is facing as well. One day when i met her again, I told her, things are with you, you can change it for both of us, i will be really happy to start fresh and i have learnt a lot from my mistakes which i will never repeat. She again stood by her word as not getting back ! This time she gave me a reason saying ” there is this one guy among her new friends who is interested in her and has been with her from the time of her breakup with me. And she said she knows that he is soon going to propose her where she will not be able to say No to him” (I knew about this guy who liked her and was trying to woo her while she was still in relationship with me).
And at the same time, she said she will love me for ever and she cant be away from me, and wants me to be friends with her for life. On that day, I was very disappointed and thought for myself “is she the girl whom i loved and who loved me ? is she just somebody who is just carrying around the body of my love but not the person anymore”. I told her clearly, i will never show her my face again nor be in contact as friends but if there is something that she thinks i will be able to help her with then she can only reach out to me for such reasons.
Never had i thought that things can change so much in so less time.
It was a week ago I did meet her again just outside her place for sometime as we had few things that had to be returned and never after that.
She texts me on my phone sometimes saying she is missing me and she wants me to meet her sometime for which i did not respond at all.
I miss her. She is a wonderful person. I love her. She was my girlfriend.
Hope she gets to live an amazing life ahead.
Did i lose something foolishly or did i lose something that was never mine ?
Thank you for reading my story.
That is hard to say. It sounds like the other guy wasn’t going to take ‘No’ for an answer. He might have become a serious problem if you had continued forward with the relationship. My guess is that she wasn’t yours to have, or at least not for much longer.
Personally, I agree with you. She made her choice, and you have made yours. Life goes on. Hold on to the good, and let go of the bad. Someday, you will be able to see her, and smile. But that day may take a while to arrive.
Stay strong, and work on becoming a better person. Learn something new, get better at a skill, or correct something that isn’t quite right. For no other reason than to become a better person.
Massive thanks for going through my post and your kind reply which will help me to trigger the motivation.
Have a great day.
Cheers
Thanks, and I wish you all the best. Stay strong, and take care of yourself.
I loved how you interpreted the quote . It really brings more depth to it . I used to consider myself a respectable lady , yes i would fall for guys but i would put my foot down if they disrespected me in any way . The past 8 months ive been with a guy , in time i fell completly head over heels for him . He was everything i wanted … The man of my dreams really . Early on in our relationship i cheated but never told him because i didnt want to do it anymore it was a mistake that i eventually was to happy with this guy for it to haunt me . Since i justified not telling him with ill never do it again , and telling him would only cause problems since i was sure now i loved this guy with all my heart i never told him . Well eventually he found out and i had to admit it . We worked it out and stayed together , but when we would fight he would bring it up be it my fault or his i ended up begging him after every argument because i knew i did fuck up before and i love him and would be willing to do it . Dont get me wrong we were happy but when we would fight it would be explosive until i begged him . Other than that life was great i loved spending time with him and he loved to with me . He has trust issues because of me his first love , thats why i choose always to begg him . it justifies it to me because i know i can make him happy if only we worked it out . Recently i was waiting for him to get out of work and he called my house phone i didnt anwser because it was elsewhere and was texting him and he was acting weird and asked me if i was home and i said ofcoarse were else … story put short he thought i was lying and it really got to me because here i am waiting for him to get out of work and he accuses me . I started crying and i guesss being “needy” to get him to believe me , he blew off our plans and i in the heat of the moment dumped him .. i regreted it right away .. but him being stubburn took my word . he kept on talking to me but was angry about what i did . i again feel i need to fight for him but maybe at the moment he doesnt realize how much i love him , and takes me for granted because of how ive always lowered myself into giving him what he wants . I know it sounds hopless but really this is just our problems , we make eachother so happy and love eachother dearly … but we have our battles . Since i dumped him i dont know what to do … hes a person that likes his space and i like to stay in touch and talk things out … I need help with this situation … How do i give him space without making him think i dont care ? Because it really does kill me not to talk to him , im just so emotionally attached to him … HELP PLEASE ):
You have managed to put yourself in a difficult position. You will have to balance what you are willing to do to get him back with what you can live with for the rest of your life. Are you willing to continue to grovel every time you have a fight, for the rest of your life, just to keep him? Or is that too much? You have to put some limits on what you will do, or you will have trouble trying to figure out what you are willing to do each and every time.
In many people, the more someone yields, the more they will push, to see where the limit actually is. If they don’t find one, it can become a problem. If he is going to keep pushing the one event as a way to win every fight, how will your life be if you get back together? How long before he brings it up again?
He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t trust you, and he doesn’t treat you as a partner or an equal, but someone to bully. That may not be an accurate depiction of him, but from what you have presented, I hope you can understand how I came to that conclusion.
Do you really want to go back to that? Or do you deserve to be treated better? Only you can answer that question.
I hope I gave you a few things to think about. Stay strong, you deserve the best. But you also have to take care of yourself. Become a better person, not to lure him back, but to be the best you can be in this moment. For your own sake, not for the sake of anyone else.
HI, I have an awkward and painful situation right now, and I wonder if it can be salvaged in any way. Here is my story.. I met this guy who lives next to me and is ten years younger than me. We started spending time together and got to like each other. Despite the age difference, we developed close friendship – the communication was great, very open and mature. Although we were never in a relationship, the attraction was definitely there; he showed it, I think I did too, yet, I was rather cautious and wanted to take things slow… we did things together, went for trips, cooked, helped each other, I met his family, we communicated daily.. everything was going great until he met this girl…She is his age and clearly takes things much quicker, seems she chased after him and came on pretty strong..I don’t know whether he has feelings for her, it seems that it is rather relationship based just on physical aspect of it. One day I saw them which hurt me more than anything, I realized how much I care for him. Being completely blind-sided, I confronted him about it which resulted in a “fight” between him and I. A few days later we talked and tried to smooth things over. I told him my feelings and what I want, then he said he wants to be friends for right now, and maybe one day we will find way back to each other. That said I wished him luck and stopped initiating any contact, he is not looking for that either. It seems like the friendship is over. He will say hello when he sees me, other than that, we don’t even talk. I really miss him. I don’t even know if I should ignore him or try to talk to him when I see him? Is there any way that it will change and he may come back? Is this situation hopeless and over?
I don’t know him as well as you, so you are the expert on what might bring him back, or how he will respond to your advances.
I believe in open communication. Depending on how forward you are willing to be, you might ask him if the day (referenced in the comment “maybe one day we will find way back to each other”) was close, even within sight. There are probably other ways to bring up the subject, to let him know you are still interested.
Regardless of his reaction, you need to remember to stay focused on yourself. Stay strong, and keep improving yourself. Work on becoming the best person you can be, because you are the only person over whom you have any real influence. Use that influence for good. Betterment of self, betterment of others. Be the reason you live, and the reason you thrive.
Pain is temporary. Remember the good times, and the bad times will fade. Always smile when you see him, and think of a pleasant memory. Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me last week. We have been together since freshman yr of college and we just entered our senior year. We have had the perfect relationship- we are literally best friends. We talked about our future early on in the relationship and we talked about getting engaged this year. This break up came all of a sudden to me. He was acting distant for a few days and when I confronted him he said he needed to figure himself and his life out and needed to be single for a while to do so. The problem is I see him every weekday as we are in the same major and are in a lot of classes together. When we are in class, we talk like nothing has changed but then we end up going our separate ways after the class and it just breaks my heart. All last week he hadn’t changed his facebook status to single so I thought that this was temporary.
I hadn’t talked to him about our relationship again up until today when I texted him about his weekend. He still feels like same way. He said he really needs this right now. I asked him if he could see us together in the future and he said “I can’t stop thinking about the times we had together and I will never stop thinking about them for the rest of my life, but right now I’m not sure.” He told me he is scared for the future. We are both on the search for jobs as we will be graduating in May and we are both scared about where we will be in life. But I thought that this was something that we were going through together. I thought that no matter what else happened in life that we knew we had each other. He has told me that love is the most important thing to him so I know he felt the same.
His parents are really controlling and they don’t like us being in a relationship. They told him that he needs to focus on his life right now. But he has always ignored them before as his love for me meant more than anything else. Why all of a sudden is he listening to them? We had this life planned out for us but he seems too scared to continue. I just don’t get why we can’t go through this together. After he told me he was scared for the future, I said that I was too and that I don’t know what to do. Then he told me to come to class and be my friend. Then he finally changed his facebook status to single.
I’m trying to be optimistic but this is so hard. I love him with everything. I told him I want to go through this as a couple but that I respect his decision and that this is a true test to our relationship- if it’s meant to be then we will find a way back.
Right now, I am going to focus on myself and my career and hopefully things will get better with time. Patience is key, timing is everything,
You are at a very critical juncture in your young lives. At that same point in my life, I was under a tremendous amount of pressure, and probably acted just as badly to my friends.
As you conclude, staying strong and focused is key to your future. As long as you are still in touch, you can try to continue to judge how the relationship is going. It might be awkward, but keeping informed of where the two of you are interviewing might prove interesting.
Also, just because you don’t end up in the same city, a strong relationship can survive some time apart. Once he is out on his own, the influence his parents have over him will diminish.
That’s going to be a really tough wait, but I’ve seen it work out. I’ve also seen it not work out. Hopefully he will always be a close friend. I made the mistake of burning bridges in my youth, and hurt a lot of friends.
Stay strong and focused. That’s the best you can do for yourself and your future.
After spending a couple of tear filled nights reading everything in here from beginning to the end.. I fill the need to share my pain, in the hope that you have some wise words of wisdom.. After a very turbulent year spent with a man, on and off.. Him frequently getting cross and me emotional, not all bad, we was in love very connected mentally and physically.. But also separately damaged emotionally.. There was love and hate.. We have broken up a few times and got back together again.. The last time i tried no contact and received texts, saying he loved me, needed me couldn’t cope, and i caved in eventually.. He came round we had dinner and was intimate, and arranged to meet a few days later to talk.. One day before we were meant to meet, he called and said he had met someone the day before and we wasn’t working out anyway.. I said i was deeply hurt, and for him to never contact me again.. That was five days ago.. I’m absolutely gutted to be honest and lost.. How could he Change his feelings so quickly.. I don’t know if i can and want him back.. Just very confused and totally baffled.. Please help.. Thanks so much…x
Sorry to hear you have been hurt. I don’t think anyone should be treated that shabbily.
I’ve heard the phrase Mr. RightNow, as opposed to Mr. Right. The girls used it to mean someone who was fun for the moment, but not the person with whom you wanted to spend the rest of your life. It sounds like, to him, you were Miss RightNow. Now that he has found someone else, your services are no longer needed.
It sounds like you are better off without him, even if it hurts for the moment. At best, he is very confused, and at worst he is a manipulative who should no longer be trusted.
Stay strong, but plan on getting on with your life without him. You deserve better treatment than that.
Hi,
Awesome article and very timely for my current situation. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 11 months. The chemistry was amazing right from the start. We are both widowed with grown children out of the house. We truly felt our meeting was a Godsend. He talked of marriage often and I always said that we needed to give our relationship at least a year before investing in marriage. 99% of the time, things are great between us. However, we have a communication breakdown when it comes to matters of disagreement and hurt feelings. We’ve never had a big fight, just bickering and only three or four times in our whole time together. When I try to resolve the issues, it is a futile effort and it is like he doesn’t even realize things he said or did that hurt me. So, I suggested that we spend some time apart and he agreed that would be a good idea, going so far as to say that we should even be open to seeing other people during this period. Ouch! We’ve had no contact for over two weeks. While apart, I consulted with a counselor about changes I could make to better myself and our relationship. I’ve also taken on some new projects, reconnected with old friends, gotten back into exercise, am eating better, and have lost 10 pounds. I miss him terribly and know for sure that I am in love with him and was sure he was in love with me. He always called me the love of his life and his best friend, but started acting distant about a month ago. Just trying to decide what to do now. Don’t know if I should give him more time or contact him. I thought he would have called me by now and, honestly, I’m worried that he’s decided the relationship is over and he’s trying to move on.
Thanks so much!
This is a question only you can answer. Worry doesn’t do much good for you, does it? There are only two things you shouldn’t worry about; the things you can change, and the things you cannot change.
If you do nothing, you will never know what might have been. If you do contact him, what is the worst that could happen? Personally, I have always been a fan of open and forthright communication (to the best of my ability, of course).
If he’s drifting off, and you don’t act, he may well escape. Then again, he might not be drifting off. There are three outcomes, as I see it: For you to wait for him to come back to you; For you to go to him; For you to wait forever as he drifts away.
The choices are yours, as are the consequences. Personally, I believe a well phrased question answers itself. You just have to make sure this is the question you want answered. Then follow the path you choose. No regrets. Be strong, think it through, and act.
Thank you for your reply. Oh, how right you are about worrying…a complete waste of time and energy, but mighty hard to stop. As for your question about the worst that could happen if I contact him, I believe that would be that he would end our relationship. The fear of that and my pride are holding me back. During the last three weeks, he has been going through the difficult process of moving to a new home. It is very emotional since he sold the house that was his family home with his late wife, who died 14 months ago. So, I wanted to give him his space. He completed his move five days ago. Friends say that I should not contact him because now that the busyness of moving is done and he is alone that he will be miserable without me and will call before long. The last time I saw him was at church three weeks ago. We sat together and held hands as always and he asked me to lunch afterwards and kissed me good-bye as I was leaving. So although I had felt emotional distance between us, some things remained the same. It is confusing and frustrating.
You said, “Personally, I believe a well phrased question answers itself. You just have to make sure this is the question you want answered.” Not sure I understand.
Thanks again for listening (reading) and responding. It is very helpful.
As for worry, absolutely! One of the biggest time wasters. Also hard to avoid, harder if your attitude or habits or nature leave you prone to doing it.
A broadly phrased question might be “What do you want to have for lunch?” A rather tightly phrased question might be “I am having Chinese for lunch, care to join me?” (both spoken to a friend at lunch time) A well phrased question is an answer stated as a question. An example might be “Do I want to start on this project right now, or do I want to procrastinate another day?” By searching through the subsequent effects of your decision, you don’t ask your initial question (a broadly phrased “Do I want to do this?”) into an answer phrased as a question. (“I’ll take Obvious for $500, Alex.”) 😉
Hope that clears things up.
As for your question regarding your relationship. I try to get the person who is involved to get the info, as I obviously don’t know either of you. If his friends think it is better to wait a little longer, then that might be the best course of action. They have the best information, so long as you trust them.
Stay strong, life will continue to be it’s usual, troublesome self. But you’ll get through it.
awesome lines….
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Pingback: 057 Let It Go (08-30-13) | The Watley Family Legacy
Hello Philosiblog,
I have contacted you earlier regarding my relationship with a girl and you gave me courage during my trouble/confusion period and we are deeply in love today. Its been more than a month into our relationship.
The issue now is that we both have an examination coming for which we are unable to concentrate if we keep talking to each other all day. We live in different cities and hence do not meet each other everyday but talk all it out. My girl suggested that we keep separate i.e. not talk for 2 months till the exam is over. I agreed coz its presumably best for both of us. We understand each other. She told she was mine and will be mine forever.
But is it going to create some sort of problem 2 months from now? Will it create any distance? Please help !
Regards,
RC
Time apart will put a strain on a relationship. I believe a strong one will be strengthened, and a weak one will be damaged.
That said, people change over time. Priorities shift (the exams are an example). I may be reading too much into the exams, but it sounds like you are both about to graduate. If so, do you plan on working in the same city, or is this just the beginning of the end? I’m not trying to hurt you, but it seems pointless (to me, at least) to put a lot of effort into maintaining a relationship what cannot possibly last. If this is the case, I would recommend putting all your effort into the exams, and understand that the relationship will change for that reason, and many others.
If, on the other hand, you have things planned, and it seems likely that all will go according to plan, then you have to walk the fine line between maintaining the relationship and doing well on the exams. That will be an additional stress and an investment in time and effort.
That’s not much of an answer, but I hope the analysis helps you better frame your question. A properly framed question answers itself. 🙂
Stay strong, and keep your head about you.
Philosiblog,
This sunday was the worst day of my life. I have been dating a beautiful wonderful woman for the last 2 1/2 years and she told me “she needed to find herself”. We have been living together almost 9 months, never fought, things seemed good. I admit that maybe I became a little too comfortable with the situation, focusing more on work and saving money for our future, vs doing great fun activities, but I was just looking out for us. She told me she still loves me, and she isn’t letting go of us. She told me she sees me as her future husband and things will work out (at least she believes) but she also said there is something in her heart that is telling her to find herself. I have a hard time understanding the concept of finding one self. I mean, I’ve tried looking it up, I’ve asked other peoples opinions and most of them just tell me it’s her way of telling you shes done without being too mean about it. However, I don’t believe them because I truly when looking into her eyes can see her love for me. Why would she want to risk it though? I am so scared right now. I truly believed we would be together forever get married and have a life together. Our families get along, her dad told me he loved me after she left. I just don’t understand. She tells me she knows I’ll understand what finding herself means but I am having a hard time grasping the concept. I am hoping she takes this time to fix whatever really is bothering her, I just hope deep down, it wasn’t me. I know this is silly and doesn’t mean anything but when you are going through heartache you over analyze everything. She still is dating me “on facebook”, all my pictures are still up, nothing has changed in that regard. She was over last night for a talk that lasted 4 hours, and ended with a kiss and an I love you, but she still left. Do you think this is one of those situations where she really does need to learn how to take care of herself and love herself before getting those things from me? I know how I feel, and I know how she feels, but I don’t understand this decision. Please give me an honest answer, I don’t care how blunt, brutal it may be.
Thank you
Sorry to be so long in getting back to you.
There are many reasons for a person to say that they need to find themselves. Perhaps she didn’t see her having an existence outside of the relationship, and wasn’t getting enough out of the relationship. Neither of us can answer that question. Perhaps even she cannot. Sometimes, you just don’t feel ‘right’ and know that there is something missing.
One possibility is to ask her. Just make sure that you ask her for her sake not yours. By that I mean if every reply you give ends with “and then you can come back,” are you trying to help her, or help yourself? I hope that made sense.
As for whether she is being honest or just being nice, I agree with you. If she was pulling away as an end of the relationship, I would expect that some of her life would have changed more. Facebook pictures and status aren’t always the best way to judge the health of a relationship, but they may be an indicator. Also, if she still comes by and says those magic words, it leads me to believe that there is hope.
Again, in my mind, I keep coming back to asking. Not asking me, as I don’t know. The person who has the best shot at an answer is her. She may not be sure, but you can at least get an idea, right?
Stay strong, things will work out. You may not get the exact answer you wish for, but we rarely do. However, if you remain strong and continue to work on becoming a better person, you will win in the end. Just be sure you’re goals are for a better you, not just becoming the person you think she wants. Down that path lies madness!
Hello, I dated this girl for almost 5 months we’re both active duty army. Things were great, we spent every day except maybe 4 of the days within that 5 months apart, she thought we had serious issues… her perception vs reality was inaccurate. I went to indiana for training, we talked every day and texted. I understand her dog she loved died, she said she was stressed at work, with a family issue she didnt tell me and then issues with us.( Someone who doesnt care for me who is her friend was telling her she has her whole life ahead of her and that they think were no good together) So she called me the day before I come back and broke up with me saying she needed space, I reacted poorly because initial shock, she said she wanted to stay friends and I told her I dont think I can do that because I’m in love with her its hard for me to just be pals… So we talked it out I said I cant let go like this so I would be her friend, I came back and surprised her and I stayed the night with her that night and things were great, I thought there was sure hope! Then the next day it was raining she screwed her car up by sucking water in her intake and blamed it on me, she was texting a guy whom I dont care for, I said I dont care who you text. As she was continuing to blame me for her mistake on the car she was crying so I leaned over and tried to comfort her she pushed me away then said I’m smothering her…. and theres no chance of us getting together ever.. I said I’m sorry, then she flipped out on a rant and punched my door and I looked at her hand gave her some ice she said she wanted to goto the ER and I said I’ll take you, but she called that guy I dont like and after the call I said just let me take you she said no chris is taking me! I grabbed her stuff she had in my room and gave her it and said keep the memories, and everything. She stormed out and we bickered a little before she left, she texted me blaming me for her hand and I said that was your choice to punch the door for wrongfully accusing me with your car. I went to see her in the ER and I was the only one to stay with her, and we argued a little she said she wasnt sure if she loves me as a best friend or a lover, and I said that its both and if she cant see that shes seriously confused and blinded by crap her friends were feeding her… things have gotten better she goes out to the bar I goto despite the fact she said shed never go there bc its my place, and the rodeo I goto, and she pays close attention to me and positions her body towards me, I walked away towards some of my other friends and she “went to her car” but my friend said shes pretending to brush her hair but shes watching you. she kept a close eye on me the whole night. I was sweet to her yesterday and she said that I’m very forward now, I told her that I have learned alot to better myself because I still care about her dearly, I know she loves me but at the same time idk if my actions with giving her stuff back and telling her to keep the memories has “ruined” any chance in the future, because I texted her this morning and was sweet I havent been bugging her just asking her how her day is going and hope it goes well, and goodnight stuff like that. She got onto the subject of us saying how that she will never forget how I said I’d never leave her (I never did) she thinks I abandoned her because I took her off my facebook, she said basically that I broke her trust and that she can never date me again, I told her I understand and that I know that we both made mistakes and I’m changing and doing my best right now on just being a friend, she has distanced herself much, but she makes sure to goto the places that I like to goto… I’m so confused because she means the world to me, I dont want to let go but I am because of your posts I realize that if you set it free and if it comes back then its meant to be! My questions are do you think even though she said that she cant date me again do you think that she is saying that as a “test” beacuse she does do those women tests every once in a while, I can understand that because she thinks that I abandoned her when in reality I never did. I’m confused if its a test or shes serious, or even just confused… she told me I’m the man of her dreams and that I’ve done more for her than anyone in her life has done, shes made mistakes shes been married twice and is young she was in an abusive relationship before me and her first marriage was just an impulsive mistake…
Sorry to be so long in getting back to you.
It sounds like she has some issues, but then we all do, right? For me, the question would be if you can handle the drama. The response she showed and your comment about a previous relationship being abusive seems to show there is still a lot of that left in her system. Albert Einstein once stated that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over again, and expect a different result. Has she changed, or is it the same result?
I like your approach, in mentioning that you are both imperfect, and that you’re trying to improve. The question is are you the only one. How will this relationship look in another year if you continue to change, and she does not?
The ultimate question you ask is does she mean it when she says she won’t date you again, right? She has shown impulsiveness and questionable judgement in the past, so what makes you think this time is different? Just asking, not trying to be annoying. Also remember, we’re all human, and change our minds from time to time. If you have the desire, you might consider just laying out your cards and tell her where you stand, what you want, and that you are at a fork in the road. Just give her a little time, not everyone is good at snap decisions.
To me, the more important question is what are your needs? You obviously feel something for her, or you wouldn’t have written the comment. But how much, and in what manner? What I’m trying to get at is you are in a rare position to design your next relationship. What are deal breakers, things which would end it permanently and immediately? What are the things which will annoy you to no end, but aren’t deal breakers? What are the kinds of things you’re looking for? What are the ideals you hope to find in your next relationship?
By answering these questions, you have the template of you and your needs. Any new relationship can be sized up against that measure, and you can get a better feel about what your chances are. Also realize that you are free to alter these as you have new experiences or your attitudes change. Take a moment and consider who you are, and what you want in a relationship (presumably romantic, with long term possibilities).
With that in mind, how does this young lady fit? Do the things on the good side out weigh the annoyances? That’s a question only you can answer. If she’s worth it, then go for it. If not, let it be. That’s my advice, and it’s worth every penny you paid. 😉
Thank you so much for the advice! It’s just confusing because I know what I want and I believe a “break” or space is good for us because we can step back and start fresh and try to resolve our issues, shes only 20 and acts like it… She knows she has issues and I have issues with her but she feels that I basically limit everything she says and does, which is not true. She said she can never trust me because of when I handed her her stuff she left and I told her keep everything including the memories, which I admitted it was an impulsive mistake, she never admits being wrong even when she knows shes wrong. When I went out last fri to the bar we goto she got upset I danced with alot of women (texas twostep), so I know theres feelings there however there also is a 3rd party:/ one of her friends. Her friend is a female whose a slut and changes guys regularly but she said she likes her because she sees some of herself in her (not the slutty part) but the problem with her friend is that shes full of drama and feeds off of it. I’m not sure exactly what to do because we’re civil and she still goes out to the places she said she wouldnt go (my places, bar and the farm) I just am on the fence because I’m letting go but its hard having to see her every weekend and my mind wanders all day about what shes doing, I give her her space and only text her if she texts me. She said in her car that shes looking for a boy toy and I was like fine you can find plenty of em, however she is very smart and plays mind games, so part of me thinks shes doing that to see if I’ll “stay around” beacuse she thought when I handed her her stuff I abandoned her which I never did. So its either shes playing a game which is irritating me however I’m not showing it, or shes being serious and gonna be a slut….She goes out to the bar but I believe part of its to be with her friends but the other part is that she hopes I go out there and she wants to see me whatever means possible. I think I might change my scene too because if I go to a different bar for a month or so she’ll say something to me about it probably or she might stop going out there… Its just too easy because I know she loves me and is confused bc of everything going on and I love her but her friends kinda f everything up… I’ve asked several friends for advice they said just be happy and do what I used to and she’ll see that I dont need her and that she’ll come back….
Well, it sounds like a girl who has quite a number of issues. Personally, I can’t stand drama. It’s a deal breaker for me. You have your own likes and dislikes, as well as deal breakers.
Probably, the first thing to do is determine how much of this you are willing to put up with. How much of this can you stand before it poisons your feelings for her? You are obviously still very tightly gripping her memory (your comments about wondering what she is doing). Have you really let go? Perhaps physically, but it doesn’t sound like you have on an emotional level. That is her point of entry, her leverage to mess with your head and heart.
You will need to figure out what you want, and either pursue her, or let her go. You are living somewhere between, and will have no peace until you make a decision. Does that make sense?
i fall with a girl, and the condition is i rarely contact with her and also rarely go with her but one day suddenly i just feel love with her, and start chat with her everyday for 2 month, and i decide to go out with her and give her surprised with a tedy bear, but i was still shy and only have short conversation with her. after that happen i still chat with her and say my feeling for her, and tell her that actually i love her but I’m just shy to say it to her directly. and she says she can’t be my girlfriend because she doesn’t have feeling for me, and she says that i should be her friend instead of completely leave her. Do i need to give her more time and getting know each other better, stick up with her, and give space to her before i try to confess with her again, or i just make her as a friend and search for another girl.
You seem to have the options figured out. But what is best for you? Only you can decide that.
I prefer open communication. That can be hard for shy people. I know, I am shy, which is why I do this over the internet and not in person. 8)
I guess the biggest question is how much does she mean to you? Can you stand to just be friends, or will that be like torture?
Time and open communication are good things. You won’t know what to do until you have had a complete talk with her.
Just remember, you are much stronger than you think. You can talk to her. You can do it face to face, or by message/chat. But until you ask, you will never know.
Hi philosiblog, i have simiilar case with Kevin which im a shy guy , but the different is last week i do a mistake because i talk to her that i like her , and i think is to early because we dont even know each other better just know by chat with her . And her response was same she don’t have feeling with me and just be friend with me. I discuss with my friend and my friend say of course she say that to you because she don’t know you well yet thats why she don’t have feeling with you, nowaday you must know the people well to create a feeling. About someone. My question is is my friend true that we must get to know each other well first in order she to have feeling with me, and what should i do to make her have feeling with me .
Thanks
It always helps to have things in common when you have a relationship. What do you both do? You obviously met somewhere, so that’s a start. What are some of the things she likes to do? Is there something you also like to do? Perhaps you could ask if you could meet her and participate in the activity. Not a real date, as it sounds like she isn’t ready for that.
As you spend more time together, you will get a better feeling for who she really is, and how much you like her. She can also spend more time with you and do the same thing. Just understand that the feeling has to be shared. If she isn’t interested, it’s over, right?
Stay strong. Life is full of bumps, and this may be one of them. When things settle down, you may well have your girl. Or maybe not. Who knows? But you will always have yourself. Take care of yourself, and work on improving yourself. Life will take care of itself.
Thanks for the answer philosiblog, i will chose to give her time and space , and i will stick with her. But my question is, is it possible to grow feeling in her after we know each other better, and get closer and she start to grow feeling in me ? because right now we don’t even know each other well.
Thank You
There are always possibilities. Will they amount to much? I don’t know. I’ve never been good at gambling or wagering. Just stay true to yourself, and remain strong.
I love someone truly. she loves me or not, i supposed i don’t know now. she definately knows that i love her truly and can not leave her in any haste. she never says she love me. but she still talking to me as a friend , and crossing the limit to more than friend. may be i m her affection or whatever she let me. we are talking to each other since 4 years by messages, . we never met each other. but love to see each other espesialy I. i never tried to know about her other friend and people around them because i trust her. and supposing she never have a another relationship. but once in lifetime i felt she is talking someone else right now. and i asked her about it, she says she is talking to her friend. actully she was very excited about him. i broked fully and considering myself alone. but i did not knowing her about it that i m deeply hurted. and i set her free , and let her go, and supposed that if she loved me a little bit, then she will comes to me.
what i did right ??? now she calls me and give reason whatever ?? but my heart do not allow me to flirt with myself. and also i can not tolerate this thing. i m trying me to let go of the things happen and be faithful to her. but it does not work over. i said to her good bye . and keep distance from her. what u say about this ?? please sort out this
It sounds like a difficult long-distance relationship. If I understand you correctly, she is involved in some way with another. You have let her go, and are wondering if that was correct.
The quote is a guideline, and not proper for all situations. It is specifically about letting go of someone who wants to leave. I can’t tell if that is what she did or not.
Most importantly, you must decide what is right for you. What do you want from her? What will you not accept? If she cannot be around her other friend, and she continues, is that enough to end it?
You will need to choose what is right for you. I hope that helped.
thank u sir.. i understood…what to do. and but in these condition i always prefer to keep silence and being honest to myself and wait for goodness. i trust on time.
Great. As long as you know the risks of not talking, and take them willingly, there is little more that I can suggest. Stay strong, and I hope for the best for you.
i fall with a girl of my mate. when completed school within one month i broke up with her of no reason. since then i have not stop thinking about her. i want to reconcile with her / do you think is good idea. but we stil keep in touch.
It’s hard to say. Personally, I prefer open communication and honesty. Not everyone does. I also despise regrets. I would rather state my position and loose than to spend the rest of my life wondering if I might have won. You will have to decide what the risks and rewards are, and how they apply to your life and values.
I like it how you translate love in such a literal way. I have never looked up the word “love”. I never ever said that to anyone unfortunately, but I think I was in love with the guy in my previous relationship. I used it to justify all my crazy actions and behavior as he was my first love. I told him I cared about him a lot and was deeply in love with him after we broke up. Sometimes it takes time to realize how much you miss having the person in your life. To that extend I agree if you love the person, and when the person doesn’t feel the same way, it’s best to let the person go. You have to try to a point where you know the other person knows how you feel and give the person the time and space to realize on their term. We can’t never force someone to be with us when the person doesn’t naturally want to. It’s selfish, and the happiness is not sustainable. It will create so much up and down in a relationship and eventually drift the two people apart. I like it that how you respond to a lot people’s replies and said you don’t agree to play games in a way to manipulate someone’s feelings. Eventually all these games will wear off just like any relationship which is just based on physical attractions. I have made a lot of mistakes in “playing games” to test the guy’s tolerance which to me show how much or how little he cares for me, at the end it makes both of us emotionally exhausted. I think you want to have little games in the relationship to make it fun to see how we react and how much we care, but when it’s too much it’s unhealthy. I read so many people’s stories here, I feel your advice to them were very genuine. If a relationship is at a very beginning stage, when you want to give it a try, you should always be open and genuine about it and let the other person know. When the relationship gets to the more serious stage, when it’s years of time together, and it doesn’t turn out your way. I think the best you could do is try your best to let the other person know your intention, and give the person time and space to decide. I like that how you always end in a way telling people to stay strong and to improve themselves. Every relationship is a good life lesson, the great partner that you date is like that a mirror that you can see how you really are. You can see the good sides of yourself, how much you willing to care for the other person, and you can see the ugly side of yourself, all your flaws. I think sometimes all you can do is to acknowledge your own faults and make a promise to yourself that you won’t let it happen again and move on. Or forgive the person’s mistakes and promise yourself not to date that type of person again and move on. I feel the hardest part is not the moving on, but acknowledging and accepting what had happened. Once we get through that, we would naturally move on, and let the rest play out its own. sometimes it could be months or years, life brings you to meet the person again, or the person comes back to your life, or you decide to reach out to the person when you are better and different, and maybe at that time you will enter person at the right timing. Once someone told me I don’t have to directly let the person go because he is not dead, he will always be there, if in the future, when all wounds are healed, we will be able to meet again, maybe not the way I want it to be, to have him in my life care for me the way it used to be, but to see he is doing fine and smile to him that at point our lives were crossed. Knowing he is with someone else is very painful, but at night when I couldn’t deal with the pain or couldn’t seem to get him out of my mind, I pray for him. I wish him the purest thoughts, I wish him well, healthy, happy, and the new girl is a lot more suitable for him than me. She is not better than me, but she is more suitable for him. I let go all the anger, sadness, jealousy, regrets, guilt, and hope, and replace them with the best thoughts in my head. That’s when I know I will eventually or might have let him go already although I still carry the strong feelings for him. At the end of the day, I reminded myself it’s not meant to be for us.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. We cannot control others, and trying to do so only makes both of us miserable.
As you say at the end, some things simply aren’t meant to be. Stay strong, and have faith in yourself.
When we let go then we can lay hold.
We don’t always need to go extreme to make our relationship work. If you discover you are giving too much in a relationship to make it work and your partner is not reciprocating for reasons best known to him or her, don’t sweat it, follow the rule above. If they come back to you, then it means they have realize it and truly love you, and if they don’t, you’ve save yourself from a lot of hard issues.
Check asktimi.wordpress.com for relationship matters solution.
Thanks for stopping by. Glad you liked the post.
Philosiblog I really liked your text, thank you, I would appreciate if you could give me some advice on my situation. I’m new in the city and I met this guy three months ago, we were hanging out a lot, I could tell that he liked me, he showed interest, I also liked him, tried to show it but maybe was not too direct. My friends said I should give the first step because it seemed he needed a little encouragement but I was too shy and apparently so was him. So the last month, we couldn’t see each other too much because I had visits and trips and so, but we still talked and everything seemed normal. Now just a couple of days ago he told me he is seeing someone. I was quite surprised so I told him I thought there was something between us. He said yes, there was something between us but none of us gave the first step and that he doesn’t know how long you will be staying here (I don’t know how long I will be staying in the city, maybe just another couple of months). So I said I understood, but that I really appreciate him so we should stay friends. He repeated nothing happened because he doesn’t know how long I will be here and that we remain as close friends.
Even though nothing happened, I really like this guy and I thought we had something special and that something good could happen between us. When he told me he is seeing someone else I tried to act very cool, and I don’t think I showed how it upset me. I’m thinking I would like for him to know that I do like him, still, even if nothing will happen, just to know that I did what I could even if it’s too late. I don’t want to mess with his relationship (though he met her only 3 weeks ago so I don’t know how strong that relationship could be), but I just want for him to know that I do like him and would like to be with him, because maybe from our conversation it seems as if I’m really cool with just being friends. If he confirms that he wants to be with this other girl I will accept it and let him go, I just want to give it one last try.
What do you think? Should I tell him how I feel?
Thank you!
Well, the longer you wait, the less it will mean. However, there is a good chance that the train has left the station, if you know what I mean.
That said, I imagine you will regret not having said something to him for far longer than having said something and upset him.
If you aren’t going to be there much longer, you might want to say how you feel, but let him know that you won’t be there in the future (relating to your comment above, where you say you won’t be there for too much longer). If you are going to be honest about your feelings, you should also be honest about your circumstances as well, right?
But no matter what the outcome, you will be able to handle it. You may have a moment of weakness, but you are strong. Stay strong, and focus on becoming the best person you can possibly be, for your sake and for those you love.
Thank you very much for your advice. At the end I decided to just let things flow, see how I feel when I see him and how he acts. I really do appreciate him as a friend, so maybe that’s what we’re supposed to be and we just weren’t meant to be together. As they say, you have to let go gracefully the things that are not meant for you. I am trying to keep strong and just be the better person I can, that way I will attract good persons to my life 🙂 Thank you for your time!
You are quite welcome. Thanks for the reply, and I hope you remember to stay strong.
The email link.
I sent an e-mail to the e-mail you provided in your contact info. Failing that, you can reach me at philosiblog at gmail dot com. I presume you can parse that.
I’m similar. Shy with people I don’t know and don’t like big groups either especially noisy ones. I like peace and quiet.Hate the party scene now.
My partner is also a bit of a book worm. I guess its part of his isolation and alone time.
Its great that you have that connection that works for you both.
(The link disappeared before I could open it.Not sure why? Could you try again please?)
What link? In which comment? I don’t recall putting a link in anything recently.
I would never of had you down as shy or tongue tied. So you are some what like me? My partner is also introvert as you have probably worked out.
I believe you said you was married? How does that work if you need a lot of time alone? This is another issue we have. He spends most of his spare time alone and even when he is in company it appears he can only last a few hours.Then he wants to leave.
Many thanks…
Oh, I’m shy. And I don’t like people. At least not in large groups. Weddings and such are fine for just a few hours, then I take a walk. Sometimes I even gp back in. I even took a half hour break at my own wedding. Large groups of people suck the energy out of me, leaving me feeling exhausted.
Yep, as inferred from the prior paragraph, I am married. She’s a book worm, so she also likes quiet time alone. We also don’t do much with the party scene. However, sometimes we take two vehicles and I split early, while she stays. It works for us.
I took your advice and sent him a tx and asked if we could meet up. He never replied so I went to one of our meeting places where we walk our dogs and he was there and called over to me. I asked why he didn’t respond to my tx and he said coz I didn’t know what to say. Anyway we walked for an hour and once again I lost my nerve to say anything.Im scared of what he will say I guess. I was so cross with myself. Anyway we parted and all was fine but we never arranged another meeting.later in the eve I tx him again and said it was good to see you but he never replied. I know he’s not much of a texter but he used to reply more than he does now. So this is what I don’t get. He doesn’t show much interest or put any effort in yet he was there and saw me first and called me and chatted like we’d never been apart. He confuses me so much. This is why I don’t know how much to say and how little to say.
I’d like to say something along the lines of can we start over and get back on track and try to work through stuff as we go as I miss your company but need to know what you want?
How does that sound?
OK, if you have trouble with your nerve, take some time and type up a short letter on your computer. Adjust it each day for about a week, and then fold it up and hand it to him.
Make sure it explains your understanding of his position (so that he can correct you if it isn’t right). Make sure it explains how you feel for him, so that he knows exactly what you mean. Make sure you explain that you get a little tongue-tied around him, and that this was the best way to get it all out.
It might help open up the conversation, and you may end up corresponding by e-mail for a while, or passing notes at the dog-park. Just don’t let the proctor see you passing notes around! 8)
Plan B might be to start all over again. I’ve used that tactic before, but usually when a relationship gets off on the wrong foot, or someone gets angry. Re-introduce yourself to him. Let him know that you think things have gotten off track, and that you’d like to start over again.
You could even combine the two, if you’re worried that you won’t get all the way through without freezing up, or that you might panic if he takes what you say the wrong way, and gives you a strange look.
Hope the ideas help.
I like everything you have said and I understand it all. Thank you.
Im going to take a few days to climb out of that hole!!! Then im going to work on the letter and either get the courage to talk to him face to face or hand him the note as you say.
I can now see all the confusion and tension around us by lack of communication.
Thanks for the tips on what to write in it.
You have so much understanding of people.Im truly amazed and intrigued how well you are able to access situations of others by just a few lines that they write.
My friend thinks you are not a real person and all the info goes into a big machine and the answers come out!! ha ha. Mad girl!
You’ve been very patient and understanding of my ongoing situation and I really value your input.
I will let you know how I go with the tough task ahead!
Philosiblog your an amazing man (or machine! ha ha) 🙂
Glad I was able to be sufficiently clear this time. I don’t want to stress you out any more than you already are. That wouldn’t be nice.
I can get a bit shy or tongue-tied, so I have used the note route before. Hopefully he will understand, and read it. It might help to start the letter explaining that you have trouble talking about some things, so you wrote it down.
As for your friend’s thoughts, they do not compute. 8P
Thanks for the kind words. I do what I can to help others. This is a great outlet for an introvert like myself.
You are right I don’t know him well enough and this is due to him not being willing to spend more time together. You may remember he keeps pulling away when things get too full on. (chances are if I call him he wont pick up)
Your question about what is more painful, to be honest I don’t know that answer as my immediate reaction would be to say I don’t want to lose him but when I then think of talking it through I clam up.
I think maybe I need to take a little more time to work it out further. I hope I run into him somewhere soon so it will break the ice. That would be an easier option.
I read todays post and it makes a lot of sense to me and believe me I really want to know him better but I struggle so much with this as does he.
Its a real deep down fear of being hurt again but talking about it like this does make me realise how bad I am at it and its something I have and want to overcome.I fear saying something stupid and making a fool of myself or everything coming out wrong.The times ive built myself up to talk to him,ive met him with it all worked out in my head and my mind just goes blank.Then I don’t feel happy with myself.
I never used to be this way and was always quite open but my previous partner knocked my confidence and constantly put me down and that lowered my self esteem.
Have you any suggestions or remedies I could try?
I like that there is a point in time when you weren’t like you are now. It means you’ve been there before, so you know you can get there again. You’re just a little unsure of the route.
Try this – take a little time each day, and remember the you which existed before you were ‘knocked down’, confidence-wise. What did it feel like? What did you like to do? How did you treat other people? What were your expectations of other people, and how they would treat you?
In short, revisit that time in your life, and try to drop your present disabling vibe, and instead, latch on to the old you, the confident you. Banish whatever unpleasant things happened which led you down the path to where you are now. Put them out of your mind. Re-connect with your confidence, your pride, your certainty. It’s still there. You’ve just hidden it. Time to bring out the good stuff and play.
See if that helps you any. Try anything else you can think of to reconnect to your previous self. What did you like to read? What did you like to do? What did you like to watch or listen to? Get busy!
How’s that for a suggestion? 8)
Thanks again for your reply.
I used to be more argumentative and always thought what I said was right! I realised in time a lot of things I said were wrong and I could of done things a lot differently. Perhaps this is why I went the opposite way. I don’t want to be like I was before either but somewhere between.
There’s one thing im not quite getting here. I feel if I pursue this anymore it will just look like im chasing him.(something I have done with other guys and just got me hurt and used) He knows I want to be with him and he knows he’s the one stopping it so why do you think I should try to communicate more? Im just a bit confused. Doesn’t there come a point where he has to decide for himself and for me to stop trying to reel him back in?
My friends say leave him alone, if he wants you he’ll be in touch. One of them even suggested that the reason he hasn’t sorted his life and house out is because he’s waiting for his wife to come back! gosh that really hurt. I really don’t believe that for a min but again because im not confident in making decisions I stewed on that thought and started doubting myself and my judgement of him and then I don’t know what to do anymore.
Please help me understand?
When you explain things it makes a lot more sense…
Well, for me to explain any of that, I would have to know both of you much better.
It can be hard not to become wrapped around some thoughts (as you mentioned above). However, as you noticed, that leads into a downward spiral. You need to find a way to break out of that habit. Find something else, some other aspect of that thought, and focus on it instead. Don’t let the doubts of someone else hurt your confidence.
The reason you don’t know what to do anymore is because you’ve gone down the spiral. You’ll need to climb back out of that hole and take a step back. Find a place within you where you have strength and confidence, and examine the situation. Remember a time when you were feeling particularly empowered, and try to keep yourself there as you think about things.
There may be an amount of contact that is between desperate and aloof, but you will have to find that point.
And don’t forget that he is (in theory) working on getting over his problems at the same time. He may be having a bad day when you send him a message and he doesn’t send one back. Or he might be feeling as tongue tied as you sometimes are.
Heyyyyyy is it okay if i share my story here and get people’s views and opinions please… MY soul is REALLY TRULY ACHING please helpppppppp…. Xx much love to everyone and hugs and kisses i just really want people to see what’s going on and see what they think. Because it can help from other people viewing it different we all can think differently PLEASEEEEE HELPPPPP!!!!!
It might help if you were more specific about what is going on. Hard to help you if we don’t know what is happening.
I will give that some thought.Thank you.
I know exactly what your saying about communication but sadly this is one of our big downfalls.Neither of us can talk that openly, yet I really want to.
Talking of that Philosiblog since ive been away from him these past few weeks ive realised the true extent of my feelings for him.i realise im in love with him and that really scares me as I never thought id love anyone again after my previous relationship ended so badly.
So my question is do you think I should tell him? Would it have any benefit? Two weeks have gone by and although he’s been around he’s made no effort to contact me to talk or work things out properly.
Part of me wants to really open up and tell him exactly how I feel and what I want but im so scared of being rejected!
He knows I care a lot and that I want to be with him but ive never really laid it all on the line and been 100% open.
When were together this guy is the only guy I have ever felt totally right and equal with in my whole life.I know he’s the one for me.i have no doubts, but what about him? He told me he loved me.
Should I now set him free and see if he comes back?
I’m glad you spent some of the time giving the relationship some consideration.
The quote is about someone who wants to leave. It doesn’t sound like that is the situation. Does it sound like it to you?
As for the issue with not being able to talk, you’re going to need to address that, or I fear things will slip away from you. It’s not comfortable, and it’s not easy. But I believe it must be done.
The only question is the best path to ‘victory’… You have a fine line to walk, between spooking him (scaring him away) and not doing enough to keep him in your life (letting him wander off). There are no easy ways to do this. You will have to make the tough decisions, and live with the consequences. However, even choosing not to decide is a choice, and bears consequences. (see my post on the topic of choices)
Take a little more time and try to determine what the best path forward might be. It sounds like both of you want it, but how will you get it to work? I’ve helped you through the easy stuff. This is where it gets tough. I’ll do what I can, but you will have to do a lot of thinking and a lot of tough things, if you truly want this to work out.
Stay strong, and remember you are worth it!
Gosh I didn’t expect you to say all that.Not sure what I expected really.
I read your post on choices.Yes I fully understand what you are saying but I really dont know where to go from here.I cant work out what is too much and what is not enough for him and also what fits in with my feelings and needs.
For example this afternoon I was driving home and have to pass the local pub where he sometimes goes.As I drove past he was just coming out to sit in the garden.He looked over,saw me and as i went to wave he looked away.Such a small thing I know but I was hurt.I know there are many reasons he may of reacted like that but I feel its me that has to do all the work here and he just does nothing.I don’t want to get into a game playing role with him but what can I do? im really stumped.
You are right about the communication and I guess this is the result of the lack of it!
Philosiblog this is very hard and I truly don’t know what to do.Why do you feel I need to address the communication thing ,why is it I have to seem to be the one doing all the trying here?
Help me understand please?
Have you any suggestions what to do from here?
I do feel we should talk but I don’t know what to say anymore.
Let’s start at the top of your comment. If you don’t know what is too much and what is too little, then you don’t know him well enough. You need to communicate with him more, and better. (lousy English, but I think you can follow the thought)
As for looking away, it may have been a coincidence. He also might have noticed your vehicle, and not been able see in, and so, didn’t know it was you or not. Perhaps he thought he was doing what you wanted. Again, it comes back to you not knowing what he’s thinking. There’s only one way to find out.
It seems we agree that communication is important, but you will be the one having to do it. The question is which is more painful, forcing yourself to communicate openly and honestly with him, or losing him to a misunderstanding or lack of communication? That’s a question only you can answer.
Actually, your final line in this comment sounds like an excellent opening move. You might want to consider calling him and say exactly that. Be as honest and frank as you can. Yes, you risk being hurt. But it’s hard to live your life in hiding as well.
You also might want to read today’s post (it should be out within the hour), and the links at the bottom. It might help a little with perspective.
me and this guy been talking for almost a year but i told him a lie that made him think that he wants to start talking to other people.and when i went to get my spare key that he had,he told me that he started talking a new girl for a week now.the thing is i truly love him and i know he loves me and by the quote you stated should i just let him go or should i still have faith in us because he left he said “if we’re meant to be then someway ,somehow it will fall in place”,,,,,,,,what can tell me about this situation and do you think it’s over or do it still has a chance for one more shot.
Well, the quote is about someone who wants out of a relationship, and to let them go. That doesn’t seem to apply here.
If you said something which confused him, why don’t you take some time and try to clarify the situation so that he understands what he means to you? He can only operate on the information he has, as he understands it. If you haven’t given him the full picture, or he misunderstood something, how can he possibly make the correct decisions?
I hope that helps. Stay true to yourself, and stay strong.
Philosiblog, you’re nice person…
Thank you for the kind words.
Thank you for your kind words.I tried to contact him but he went silent again so I resorted to a text message which I didn’t like to do.It seems a cowardly way to do things.
Anyway I just told him I cant go on this way anymore as im getting hurt and im going to back off and give him time to get his life together in whatever way he feels he needs to.I also said if its me he wants he needs to be ready to commit to us properly.I wished him well and left it at that.
The next day I saw him waiting at our usual meeting place and I felt really upset and sick inside.I quickly turned round and went home but he saw me! I don’t know why I acted this way but I just could not face him.Now I feel terribly like ive ignored him but I just panicked and to be honest he was the last person I expected to see!! Since then I have kept a low profile.Im trying to get my emotions in check so I don’t stumble if I bump into him.I don’t know why he was there waiting after what i’d said in my text.
Gosh why is this so complex? I like him,he likes me yet were apart!
I am so glad I’m out of the dating game. I’d wait until you were ready, and then text him. Let him know you just weren’t ready to see him at that point, and that you have some level of interest (if you do, that is), and see what happens. Just make sure you’re ready.
Thanks for your comments. I don’t feel ready to do anything still.I guess I feel I’ve said enough and he knows how i feel. What else is there to say? He knows I want to be with him. I’ve realised I cant be just friends at the moment either. My feelings are too strong.
How funny that all those weeks I spent trying to find him and now I seem to be be seeing him around a lot. I don’t understand that?
Anyway I’ve been getting on doing what I need to but I miss him terribly. He’s seen me around but we’ve only waved to each other and not been close enough to speak, but even that churns me up really badly.
I really feel its all up to him. I don’t want to have to face him as i cant look him in the eye and confirm what i said in the text as its not what i really want but i cant go back to that on and off stuff. Hurts too much.:(
Now im the one who feels like hiding!!! Isn’t it pathetic!
Life is like a roller coaster. You’re on the part where your stomach feels funny. You’ll get back to normal eventually.
The question is what is best for you? If seeing him even in passing is such a problem, is it worth letting him know that for the next month (or two), you’d appreciate it if he just kept clear? Let him know that your feelings are still too strong to see you and not be with you that you need a little space? Let him know he’s welcome, provided he is ready, but that you need some time while he sorts things out?
I don’t know exactly what your situation is, or how much it is tearing you up, but that might be something to consider. He might be doing this to try to show you he still has interest, yet it’s hurting you. I’d imagine, given how you have described him, that causing you such pain is the last thing on his mind.
Again, in my opinion, the strongest foundation of any relationship is communication. If something is bothering you, speak up. We’re not mind readers, and if we have to guess, what are the chances we’ll get it right?
Something for you to consider. Stay strong!
Hello its Brian again. Thank you for your quick response. I needed it. Its exactly what you are saying. She’s totally stuck b/w her love for parents and for me. Whats worse is her elder brother had a similar situation and they broke up their marriage, and this haunts her. I mean I am not yet ready for marriage now neither is she. We are only 25 each, and have our career to take care of. We both understand this fact.
Well I told her I am ready to face her parents and convince them. And parents would probably not go against their child for a silly situation like this. My family thankfully is very supportive.
But should I talk to her? Or should I wait for her to respond. What I am thinking is maybe if I don’t contact her for a long time, she would not have the courage to pursue our relationship. Please I need you opinion. She told maybe I would hate her after her message, but I told I just love her and there is no question of hate. I told about the situation to few of my close friends also and they told I should wait for some time.
I would caution against contacting her parents until after you have talked to her. She knows them better than you do, and they may be less rational on the subject than you believe. I would hate for you to make things worse by contacting them.
That said, some believe walls don’t exist to keep people out, but to allow them to show how badly they want in. It sounds like you are willing. Will they be accepting? I don’t know.
The other question you bring up relates to marriage. If neither of you are anywhere near ready, for what are you fighting? Take a moment and consider that question. Is it worth making a huge fuss for someone to whom you aren’t ready to commit? Is it possible to be just friends? What options do you have going forward in your relationship?
Those are kind of pointed questions, but they will be asked eventually. I believe it is better to ask sooner, rather than later. That said, the answer will change with time and the maturity of your relationship.
I’m confused about your question about talking to her. The last sentence seems to imply that she talked to you, and that you talked back to her. What, specifically, are you considering talking to her about? I must have missed something. Please advise.
Hello,
Basically what I mean is in her message saying she doesn’t want to pursue this relationship further before shes gets to make choices. I am giving u her words – ‘ I know u will hate me most but this has affected me personally and professionally. Pls don’t call coz my mind keeps fluctuating’. So i said ‘take ur time we would talk later nd that theres no questn of me hating you’. To which she says there’s nothing to talk abt. So that’s it.
And i was not talking abt talking to her parents but to her only. That’s what I was asking. I don’t even know her parents shes the one.
Personally I felt really low initially, but I am happy now.
Brian
That’s a tough call, when to try to contact her. As I don’t know her, I will have to deffer to your familiarity, and to your friends and their opinions.
Glad to see that you are keeping your spirits up. Stay strong and keep looking for ways to improve yourself. You owe yourself that much, to become the ‘best possible you’ which you can become. And remember, that as you change and your circumstances change, the ideal you will also change. You’re chasing a moving target, but you’re worth it. 8)
Hi philosiblog.How are you doing?
Yes its me again.
Well the hour meetings continued regular.Then fri eve I was out with a girlfriend and we bumped into him.Anyway we ended spending the rest of the eve together and we had a few to drink and started talking about things.He told me he loved me!! massive massive step for him and im still in shock that he even said it.It wasn’t said in a loving romantic way but more a statement.I had asked him how he really felt about me/us.
He went on to say his life is so messed up right now and he just doesn’t feel settled at all and this is also why he keeps his distance from me.He said I deserve better than a messed up guy like him as im a nice girl.He said he feels he will continue to be this way with me until things are sorted.God knows when that will be! He said I know if I turn round one day and I see you with someone else he will be sorry and full of regret.
I don’t know what to do anymore.Im petrified of getting in any deeper incase he leaves me for good but at the same time im crazy about him and want to stay with him.Since fri we have been seeing each other and its been lovely,but for how long?
What do you think about this situation?
Sorry for being so late in responding. It’s been very busy here.
Welcome to the roller-coaster. That was my love life until I got my life in order. It took a marriage and divorce to get me to focus on myself long enough to get straightened out. I have no way of knowing what it will take to get his attention, and get him to face his fears.
My recommendation is to enjoy the ride. Take a deep breath, and try not to focus on the future. Just try to live in today, and enjoy what you can, while it is here. (see my post on ‘living in the moment’ for some ideas).
Nothing lasts forever, for eventually we die. However long it lasts, enjoy it, and have fun. It’s alright to plan for the future, and to anticipate things happening, but do not allow your thoughts to dwell too long in the future, or you will be paralyzed with anxiety. 8) I know, easier said than done. But everything gets easier with practice.
Hello Philosiblog,
I am facing a very typical situation. I had confessed my love to my girl quite some time back. She was in love with me, but so fearful of commitment. Only 2 days back, we had a fight. Late at night she confessed she was in love with me. Everything was going well. She kept saying about our relationship to her close ones. But all hell broke loose, when she told her parents about it and i got a message from her saying her parents wont approve of me coz she is of a different caste. And she tells me not to contact her coz her mind keeps fluctuating. I am totally clueless what to do next. Is she going to continue like this, coz I want her for my life. She says that she wants me for her life too, but her parents priorities come first. Is this even love on her part?
She is facing a familiar obstacle. See Romeo & Juliet as an example. At some point in her life, she will move beyond the immediate reach of her parents and their preferences. Apparently that point has yet to arrive.
That doesn’t, in my mind, mean it’s time to give up, but it does represent a substantive obstacle. From what you say, it appears she is stuck between her love of you, and her love for (and respect for) her parents. Unfortunately, what it does appear to mean is that there is little you can do until she gets her end sorted out. That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything, but it will certainly be a challenge.
Stay strong, and always work to improve yourself. If you have some time on your hands while you wait for her, you can spend it sitting by the phone waiting for her to call, or you can use that time to improve yourself. It is always the right time to work towards becoming the best person you can become.
I cant do it!
Its time for me to walk away.This hurts too much.
If he really wants me he needs to sort his life out.
If he cant then it was never meant to be was it.
My life is in limbo and feels empty.I need to start focusing on me.Ive been there for him through everything but he just hurts me with his actions.Doesnt matter if he means it or not.He’s breaking my heart.
That time has come, it appears. You must remember that you are important too, and your needs cannot be ignored.
Stay strong, and work on healing yourself, as well as growing to be even stronger. Who knows what the future will bring, but for now, I agree, your focus needs to be on yourself.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
I am trying to decide how much or how far I should let someone go. Several months ago I met a sweet girl and we talked for months on the phone, all the while planning for her to come visit me in Hawaii. She came and all the promises she had made and the comfort she felt with me on the phone seemed absent. I felt like she did not love me, though she proclaimed I was the best thing that ever happened in her life and she would never leave me. I believe she has deep emotional issues, possibly RAD if you are familiar with that. She would proclaim great love for me but really show no signs of it: no interest In my interests, very stale lovemaking that she would initiate frequently while proclaiming she enjoyed it but looking like she didn’t, etc. I felt she didn’t love me until I did some research about people who have trouble showing emotion and bonding. With that said, I got frustrated after a month together and felt unloved. She sensed it and asked if I even wanted her to stay the rest of the summer as planned and I said if you don’t love me I don’t care if you stay or go. She packed and left 2 weeks ago. Her general reply now is simply ‘you hurt me’. I rearranged my life for her, told my family and friends about her, showered her with gifts and supported her completely because she has no job. I admit I was acting and feeling distant. I have asked her to forgive me and told her we have limited time before she goes home in mid-August and I want to make it up to her and take care of her. She wont meet me. She wont phone me. She will text me until I start asking about ‘us’ and does she love me and will she forgive me and will she ever come back. I know it might take time but she has a history of this stubbornness of pushing people away. And the problem is she seems to be colder every day. She wont tell me she doesn’t love me. She wont tell me she doesn’t want to see me again. She just says ‘you are bothering me at work’ (a non paying internship) ‘and I have to go’. I do love her and I never got angry with her or told her to leave or hit her or treated her poorly other than displaying feelings of disappointment but she seems unwilling or incapable of forgiving me. I had not dated for 13 years and I have no idea what these things mean coming from a 21 yo young lady. it seems like I have lost her when she won’t even communicate. Any advice would be awesome. thank you for helping us all.
Also, earlier in the week I asked for forgiveness yet again and told her I Loved her and she said ‘they are just words’ So I asked if you wont tell me where you are living and don’t want me coming to your work how can I show you? She said ‘it should be obvious’ but I don’t have a clue nor does anyone informed of my life with her. Most everyone has told me I already got the answers from her I am asking for I just don’t want to believe them, ie her refusal to talk or discuss anything. This morning I asked her if she was feeling less mad at me or more content in being away. And I told her that she had the power to forgive me and try to save our love or the power to say she doesn’t love me and let me go. She wont respond to either of those and I haven’t messaged her for two days until this morning.
It is hard to say what she is going through. I really have no idea how to interpret what she is doing. There is always the chance that she doesn’t really know either. That can make things really messy.
Sorry for being so late in responding. It’s been very busy here.
It’s hard to have a relationship when one half of it won’t communicate. My only suggestion would be to start again with her. How did you first gain her attention? How did you first gain her trust?
I would also try to determine how much time and effort you are willing to put into trying to recapture her. You need to figure out if she seems to be playing hard to get, or if she truly has walked away. If she is truly gone, there is little you can do, right?
I see that everyone is sharing his/her story.. well here’s mine..
This year I met the most wonderful guy I’ve ever seen. He is my first real love.
I fell in love with him immediately. I never had the guts to tell hem I love him, but I felt that he did love me. I was so happy around him. And he was happy around me. We were best friends, talked all the time etc.
So 9 months after being best friends and being together every day, he began to show feelings for me. I was never sure, and he wasn’t either. But he told me that he loves me, and I think he does. After all he’s the guy that did so many things for me.
So a couple of weeks I found out that he flirts with other girls too, which made me feel very insecure about myself. I also found out that he isn’t sure about his feelings. His mood is changing all the time. I never ever chased him, I always waited for him to come to me.. and I still do.
Now when I found out he was flirting with other girls my heart broke because I thought that he really loved me like I loved him. And I don’t even want to talk with him about this, because I know that it will make him feel bad about himself. We both grew up in a religious family and he was always pretending like he was the perfection itself… this really shocked me, because he wasn’t the person he was showing to me. And I thought I knew him the best. Sigh.
I can imagine that people only want to show their good sides to a potential love, but it’s wrong to hide things and even lie to someone right?
At this moment I feel like I’m catched in a cage. I want him sooooo badly but I don’t want to talk to him ever again. I don’t trust him anymore. Thing is that we were never a couple. Just great friends that were sometimes holding hands and saying cheesy stuff to eachother.
When I found out he flirted with other girls I deleted my facebook-account because I needed some time off. I didn’t want to talk to him for a while to figure out for myself what I have to do. Thing is that he sent me an e-mail right now. And I still didn’t respond because I still didn’t figure out for myself if I should let him go or hold on. I love him like crazy yet I don’t know what to do.
Can I say that he came back to me just BECAUSE he sent me that mail? I mean, nobody ever sent me a mail.. and I deleted my fb account because I thought that that way he won’t be able to contact me (my number is inactive at this moment).
I really really don’t know what to do. Not talking to him breaks my heart but I’m pretty sure I will feel like ”the other girl” if I talk to him again. As we come from a religious family, we both don’t want a relationship. So I don’t really know where this all is going. I will respond his mail (or not, I dont know yet) and activate my account when I decide what I will do. It would be nice if you would comment on this.
Hiding won’t get you an answer to your questions, will it? Have you talked to him about how his flirting makes you feel? Does he even know it bothers you? Does he know how serious you are about the relationship? You may have hinted, but I don’t think he got the hint. Are you ready to be a bit more direct? You can’t communicate if you don’t meet him.
Why did he e-mail you? It might be because he didn’t expect your facebook account, and wanted to see what was up. The best way to find out is to ask him. That would be best done face to face, so you can judge his body language and attitude. I think you should consider trying to find somewhere where you can talk to him. Not a date, but a meting. It can be over lunch, or in the early evening, but the focus should be on communication, not on having fun.
Stay strong, and know that you will get through this, even if the path is a bit bumpy.
Well actually I even found out that he does want a relationship with me and that he does love me, but he’s just affraid because he doesn’t want to break my heart. Apparently he often leads girls on and plays them up and then when it gets too emotional he walks away. He doesn’t want to do that with me. But it makes me feel that he is a bad person. I don’t know. Problem is that I can’t tell him that I logged in from his facebook account and read a bit of his conversations. Do I even have the right to be angry in the first place? We’re not a couple… He gave me his password for some WEIRD reason ( I still don’t get why he did that) and now I feel like I didn’t respect his privacy. I feel so bad about doing that because now I can’t talk about it with him. I feel guilty.
He e-mailed me because he wanted to see what’s up, exactly. To be honest I didn’t expect him to do that, I still don’t know if I have to reply or not. It would be good if I could talk to him about this, but I really can’t. So that’s why I thought that letting him go just like this could be the best, but the more I think about it, the more it seems irrational and a bad idea. At least he has to know why I’m taking a distance from the person I used to talk at least 1 hour to every single day.
Maybe the fact that now he’s moving (leaving the country) is a sign that I have to let him go? He did promise me that we will stay connected and that we will keep in touch… but at this moment, I just don’t know if I want that or not. Thank you so much for listening.
That can be a problem with being offered a chance to look behind the curtain. Before using the password, it is wise to consider what you will do with the information you find.
As for him leaving the country, you will have to physically let go, yes. How well the long-distance relationship goes, that is another story. Some people can make it work, others have trouble. You can always try it and see how it goes.
Sorry for being so late in responding. It’s been very busy here.
Above quote is something more like “karma” thing.. if s/he is meant for you then will come back eventually or else not meant to be together.. Couldnt agree more .. but without trying without applying any effort how can we just let go anything.. and letting go loved ones is out of question..
I had let go my loved one once.. and he never showed up again.. now i regret for letting him go ..instead i would have tried to make things better between us.. i dont know why he dint come back to me .. may be he thought im already with someone else or he found someone else.. its about time and situation for how long we can wait.. what would be consequences eventually .. waiting for someone without any knowledge of his coming back or not could be quite a wait.. so i guess better dont let anyone go.. try harder to make it up if not just let go and dont wait for him to come back.. life goes on ..
Perhaps I misunderstand you, but the quote isn’t about randomly letting go of people. If they are trying to leave, then you let go.
There are two schools of thought on someone who is leaving. One is to fight to keep them. Perhaps once. But if you’re fighting to keep them on a regular basis, you will eventually lose. Which is where the other school of thought applies. You let them go. They will either come back, or not. If you fight to keep them, you will be fighting forever. Is that truly love, or does it become something more sinister over time?
Yes, life goes on. Stay strong. 8)
Thank you so much for getting back to me’ i did invite him to dinner’ but all he said was ” i will let you know” that was on the fourth. Not sure what that meant. I know i hurt him. I did tell him that i still loved him. Not sure how he feels about me since we havent seen each other in two months.
I don’t know how well you can get feedback from him, but what you do next will have to do with where you think he believes the relationship is.
If he believes it is over, you’re pretty much done, right?
If he’s just mad, you’ll have to figure out how long to wait to not make things worse.
Is there any way to meet him briefly, say for lunch or a coffee at some point? Not something romantic, but something casual? That might be a way of clearing the air and explaining yourself face to face.
You’re in a tough spot, but you’ll survive. Stay strong, and plan on improving yourself and learning from your experiences, no matter what the outcome of this relationship.
hello not sure if you recieved my email from last night. Computer issues. My question is do i get a hold of him to change it for coffee or lunc, or do i wait for his repsonse for the dinner at my place this week. thank you so much again. have a wonderful day.
Yes, I got the question, I just haven’t been as active as I should have been, sorry.
Each path has benefits and drawbacks.
Dinner at your place isn’t exactly neutral territory, and he may not be as precise with his answers. However, it’s already scheduled.
Coffee or lunch is more neutral territory, and he may share his feelings a bit more precisely. However, you have to schedule it.
One is definitely the path of least resistance. But will it get you the answers you seek?
I don’t know the answers, but I hope I helped you clarify your questions. Stay strong, you will get through this, no matter what the outcome.
Thank you so much, you have helped me a lot, I wish I came to you sooner! I guess better later than never. I’m not really sure what I will be doing. Thanks for all your help! You are really helping a lot of people out.
To be honest, I have a strong feeling I wont get the answers, but at least I gave it my all. The whole thing stinks. I will be ok, thanks again.
Glad I was able to help in some small way.
Hello, i was hoping you can help me out with my situation. I just brke it off with with my ex about two months ago and still having a hard time getting over him. The reson i broke it off was i was not able to continue this relationship any lnger, b/c he is still separated from his wife. He has been separated for three years and she lives with her boyfriend in another town. They have two kids, one is 19 and the other is 21. We have been seeing each other for about a year. We never hide our relationship from anyone and i have meet his family and friends. When his son graduated in may i had asked him what he plans on doing, he said he plans on getting a divorce but not sure when. He tells me he still oves me, i m very confused. I know i have to let him go, but i think about him all the time. I also met the wife and boyfriend. They seem very happy. I know i should have never started it, espiecially when he told me this upfront. Do i fifight or let go?help
What you should do depends very much on what you feel is appropriate. It is very obvious that the marriage is over. Why are they still officially together? Is it for legal or coverage purposes for the kids, until they’re out of school and on their own?
Ultimately you have to decide what the paper they have which says they are still married means to you. With her having a live-in boyfriend, I doubt they’re getting back together. It is up to you to decide whether you consider the paper declaring him available is more important than his heart. How does that fit in with your moral values, and those of your family, friends, etc? Yes, it would be nice to have a clean slate.
Have you discussed this with him (either get the divorce or you walk)? It would seem a bit unsportsmanlike to leave without at least giving him a chance. If, however, you have already discussed this and there has been no action on his part, perhaps it’s time for action on your part. Do you cut off all relations with him and write him out of your life, or do you take a smaller step away as a kind of warning, a way if showing him you are serious?
I know that wasn’t much help, but I hope it helps you think this through.
ok, well the dinner did not pan out . i did suggest lunch or coffe. NO response.
then i recieved a texted and all he said , was “i was not horrible person, but i guess i do not want to answer to anyone.” that was it.
not really sure what that meant?I just replied {i hope you are ok then] what eles do i do?? let him go. Right?
It sounds like he has made up his mind. I don’t know that there is much else you can do.
Yes I think your probably right.Im not sure how much longer I can do this but I know if we don’t make it I would of given it all I had.Its all up to him now.
Thank you so much for listening and replying to so many messages from me.I notice other peoples messages are not so on-going.
Its helped me understand so many important things talking to you.
I will definitely let you know how this ends.
Wish me luck!
All the best to you and keep up your good and valuable work.
I think your amazing…..
Aw, shucks! Thanks for the kind words. And stay strong, no matter what the outcome.
I don’t understand still. Are you saying im trying to force him to see me and not take no for an answer? He’s only seeing me as its what I want? That’s really upsetting.
Yes he’s had bad relationships.
Im not trying to get him to give me an answer at all and that’s why I haven’t said anything at all other than he doesn’t need to avoid me even if he doesn’t want a relationship at present. He was the one who suggested meeting up.
You was the one who mentioned playing your cards face up and finding out quickly if you have the winning hand. That’s when I said I cant do that as he changes his mind.
If he’s only seeing me as he cant say no to my face but doesn’t want to be with me that is horrible and I wont see him anymore! I hope it doesn’t seem as if I’ve come across clingy now but it was you who said about tracking him down and facing his fears.
More confused than ever now.
No, let me be clear that I am not saying that *I* think you would do that. My postulation, based on what history you related (and my memory) is that he has people in his past who *did* do such things. My guess as to why he rarely says ‘no’ in person is that he has been brow-beaten into changing his mind before. Therefore, it would make sense for him, when attempting to say ‘no’ to avoid you at any and every possible cost. I hope that makes my prior comment a bit more clear.
Sorry for the confusion. Part of what is difficult is all of the speculation of why he does things. Perhaps that might be an interesting set of question to ask him.
Ok now that makes more sense.Yes it is hard to speculate and I do appreciate that and I also appreciate your valuable input (once ive grasped it! ) I do wonder now if he is only meeting me for that reason being as i was the one who tracked him down but how will I ever know for sure? That is a horrible feeling. we’ve seen each other every night so far but only for an hour each time.Things are a lot less tense now and were talking a lot easier but still only about casual things.Im hoping he is comfortable with this as it really seems to be working. He seems ok with it but he’s very switchable and that has always been half the problem.So I never really know whats he’s thinking.If I ask him he’s vague or will say yes he’s happy like this but then he could change his mind tomorrow and not turn up!
Yet we still get on so well and have a lovely time in that hour…
It might be that all he can handle is a short period of time, and very casual. There is no telling how long it will be before he is ready for more, but if you can handle it, you might want to keep up at that pace for a while and see if he warms up to you a bit more.
He is afraid of the rejection if he says no? I don’t understand that as wouldn’t it be me that had been rejected by him?
I really agree with laying all cards on the table but the problem is his answers are either very vague or what he says today may not apply next week as he changes his mind as in ‘wants a relationship then doesn’t’ So how can I find out if I have the winning hand like this?
I don’t know the answer to this one?
As I recall, he had a history of less than kind relationships. If he expects to be badgered into going out with you, saying no to your face invites the confrontation, or at least the possibility. If he just disappears, he doesn’t have to deal with it, and the emotional rejection of you refusing to take no for an answer. If I mis-remembered, please forgive me.
As for your hand, it sounds like you’re trying to get him to give you an answer he does not yet have. You may need to give him time. That may also include giving him space. But I think it’s clear that he isn’t ready just yet.
What direction do you go, if that truly is the case?
Haha! Philosiblog, I’m not “wallowing in pity and weeping bitter tears”, don’t worry. And I have no time to think about the negatives in my life because I have two children of 5 and 1 year old. I don’t know if you have children, but if you do, you surely understand what I mean 🙂 Everything I said here was a simple conclusion. The story to share to- maybe- prevent someone to make the same mistake I have made.
Besides, that’s why I said I didn’t want to bother you: you are helping people with problems.I have no pb. It’s only kind of sad situation I’ve put myself in.And yes, I’m trying to find the solution to change this situation but you know what? There is no way out. I mean there are some solutions but I don’t want to hurt people. The way out for me means hurting man I’m with or our children.Or both. Hmm. So it means I DO have one problem/dilemma: I could try to LIVE MY LIFE but it would hurt people ( I don’t know if I could live with it,knowing me,I couldn’t) or I can stay where I am, not changing anything and watching life slipping between my fingers. For most of people the choice would be easy.Not for me.
But now my Philosiblog I’m going on 2weeks holiday with my children and a friend and her two children.The seaside in danger! 😀
Ha! In two weeks’ time you will see me after my friend’s therapy and two weeks spent with four hyperactve children.Ooooops! You’re an engeneer? Good! So you will fix me, ok? 🙂
BTW Sorry, I if I’m meddlesome but yesterday I thought that working and in the same time helping people here is OK, but you are only human- it must be exhausting 🙂 Do you sleep sometimes? any holidays in plans? You should rest sometimes..
OK, see you in two weeks
Glad to see you have been able to keep your sense of humor (which is a big part of tomorrow’s blog – it won’t be up until about 7 hours from now).
Yes, I have two kids, now a teen and a pre-teen. It does get easier, if you work with the rules, and remember that their job is to test that the rules are still enforced. 8)
Yes, I manage to sleep on occasion. And the summer is full of plans. However, I am trying the write-a-book-in-a-month challenge, and not doing so well. But I am learning, so next time I’ll do better.
As for fixing things, unless you’re a computer, I’m not qualified. I will, however, be here to lend what assistance I can. See you in two weeks! Enjoy yourself.
Hi Philosiblog 🙂 It’s me again. How are you? Hope fine.
Me..well, I learned Mr X has a very complicated life, not so happy as I thought. And you know what? It made me feel better. But it made me feel better because I realized what is my real problem and I understood why I felt badly when I met him with his family. You must know that during 34 years of my life, there were only three years which can be described as happy.These are the three years I spent with him. And it seems that subconsciously this chapter still has not been closed and I was waiting..i don’t know..that maybe I would feel the same way someday, somewhere. When I saw him with his family,I figured out it’s over. I mean not the relationship with this guy (it was over long time ago) but the feeling of happiness and peace,those three years.I realized it’s definitively over. OK, I must do something about it. Something with my life.
Speaking of! I’m after 17 days spent with four children… one with down syndrome, one with some neurological disorders and two my hyperactive children. Can you imagine? a! and you can’t forget my friend crying all day long because her husband left her. Ok..I was a nurse, a babysitter, a psychologist and -in the same time- a mother, an aunt and a friend. But i must say i still love my children, my friend and her children so it wasn’t so bad 🙂
And I had problems with men. I think I don’t like men right now but they like me too much.They always liked me too much :/ Humpf.I should wear abaya to avoid harassments or what? :D:D aaaa! I’m tired and i need a vacation 8) Please fix me! You may even call me a computer on that purpose 😀
And one more thing: a-book-in-a-month challenge? and in the same time you are working and writing here? Ok, are you some kind of alien? or maybe your day has 48 hours? haha! (btw what is it about? i mean your book)
Well, I’m glad you feel a little better, and that you are coming to grips with what is happening in your life. Take some time and relax a bit.
As for the book-in-a-month, that didn’t work out so well. As you observed, I just didn’t have the time. However, I hope to keep working on it a little at a time and finish by the end of November. We shall see.
Yes it does.
Well I finally managed to get hold of him.We talked and basically he said he could not face me and that’s why he sent the text saying he cant do a relationship.I said that it left me feeling awful and he was wrong to do that and should of told me to my face and explained things.He says he doesn’t want to mess me about by one minute wanting a relationship and then not.I asked why he feels so up and down and he didn’t know.
I also asked why he never returned any of my texts over the past 5 weeks (and this bit really confused me) he said he deleted them without even reading them so he wouldn’t know what i’d said! Why would someone do that? denial?
He said he was partly hiding from me to give’ ME’ some space! but also not been going out much as he has some money problems.
I told him he does not need to hide from me anyway and just to be straight with me.He said he would meet me tomorrow and kissed me goodbye.
Philosiblog I just don’t understand. The kiss.The meeting tomorrow. Whats it all about. Could it be the case that he’s the one who cant control his feelings when he see’s me?
Well, it seems like he has a hard time saying no. So long as he can avoid you, he doesn’t have to try to say no. But if you catch him, he just can’t say no. At least that’s what it looks like to me. As for the rest of it, it sounds mostly like avoidance and rationalizations.
It sounds like you have one last chance to explain to him what you want, and try to get from him what he is willing to give. But be prepared for him to back-pedal a bit once you have parted. Take a little time, and figure out what your limits are, and what the minimum is which you can accept. If you are going to ‘just be friends’ be prepared to get an agreement on what that means as well.
I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor. Stay strong, know what you want, and be willing to accept that he isn’t ready. Because he might not be, at least in his mind.
Yes i think you are exactly right.Why would he find it so hard to say no though?
He met me as planned tonight and things seemed a little tense between us.We only talked general things and not about us.He left and said he’d meet again tomorrow if I was free.No kiss this time!
Im not sure if im able to be just friends right now.I think im still going through a lot of whats happened in my head and trying to work out what to say and do.Its not easy especially with this tension between us.It getting to be that I now distrust he will show up when he says he will and I found myself preparing myself for another let down.
To be honest I really still don’t understand.If he really doesn’t feel he can commit to anything why start meeting again? It was his suggestion on both accounts.
Does he still want to be with me or not.This is whats running through my head.
Sometimes I think I get so caught up with overthinking that I cant see things very clearly.
My guess about the not saying ‘no’ is that he doesn’t want to hurt you, and that he is afraid of the rejection if he says no.
As for tomorrow, the tension, like happiness, comes from inside. I’m kind of old, and pretty much gave up playing those games. I play my cards face up on the table. Less misunderstanding, but you find out quickly if you have the winning hand. It’s not for everyone, but you might consider being a little more open. A lot of the tension, I believe, is from having avoided the question. It’s still out there, with the power to change your life, and you still don’t know the answer.
It’s your call, as it is your life to live. What will you do?
Gosh I would feel like an ogre if he really was going to them lengths to avoid me.Thats very hurtful if that’s the case.
I have a few other ideas but I don’t walk to look like a stalker if you know what I mean?
Yep, which is why I added the comment about the postcard in my last reply.
There isn’t enough room to sound stalker-ish, and the signal is easy enough to send, without having to ‘expose’ himself. Does that make sense?
Oh looks like were online the same time.It must be around 3.15am there?
His friends are not close as I think I mentioned before so they would know nothing and not worry.
What do you mean by ‘be sensitive to how desperate he may be to avoid me’?
Yeah, it’s late here.
My only concern is that he might actually be trying to hide from you. The more you try, the deeper he hides.
I don’t think that it is the most likely possibility, my guess is that he is somewhere else, but it’s only a guess. My point was to try to think through each possibility, and what the outcome would be of your next action. Kind of like Hippocrates – “first do no harm” (a loose paraphrase of the actual translation).
One of the easiest and least obtrusive methods of which I can think would be to send him a post card asking him to simply display it in a window, so that you know he is OK, and see what happens.
Hello Philosiblog.
How are you doing?
Ok he’s the thing. 5 weeks gone by.Still no sign of him.He lives less than half a mile from me & I normally see him around.
Last week I met two of his ‘friends’ neither of them had seen him either.So now alarm bells start ringing as he drinks with these guys. no reply from his mobile.I went to his house several times and no answer there although his car is there. I go to his work and wait for him to come out.Nothing!
Now am I being paranoid or is there cause for concern here? At the end of the day he’s still my friend if nothing else and im worried.
Surely someone would not go to these extremes to avoid another would they?
As he lives a very solitude life I would not think many people would worry for sometime.
He could be ill or extremely depressed going on the circumstances surrounding this.
What advice would you give?
As for paranoia, I think not. Try an old trick and mark where the tires of his car are in chalk. His car may be parked there, but he may be on a trip or staying somewhere else. Just because the car is there doesn’t mean he is as well. If he isn’t there, that would explain many of the other things you mentioned.
How concerned were his other friends? They may know something you don’t, so you might want to consider how they reacted to the news. They may be covering for him, depending on how well they know him, and how close they are.
As far as the question regarding what someone might be willing to do to avoid someone else, I could see someone doing this, but they would have to be fairly desperate. If you are truly concerned for his well-being, there is probably a way to ask the police to do a check on the welfare of an individual. I’m not sure what the rules are in your area, or what they will report back, but that is an option.
I wish you all the best as you try to figure out what is going on, but try to be sensitive to how desperate he may be to avoid you. I have no idea what is going on, but I try to be prepared for as many possibilities as I can.
Hello, I wanted to thank you for your blog and your interpretations. It’s very inspiring.As for this quote, I believe it’s true but when reading all those comments, one thought came up to my mind: it’s easy to say 🙂 As strong girl said:”the hardest thing in the world is loving someone who does not love u back”. I was in that kind of situation. And I let go.It was exactly 10 yrs ago. Today I’m having a relationship with a very valuable man,we have 2 children, everything seems to be fine. It seems to, because it isn’t. It isn’t for me. I don’t love him, I’m with him only for children.And for something I call “self-punishment”.I started this relationship with wrong reasons, because I felt hurt long time ago and I wanted to feel someone can love me. Now i must live in my golden cage till the end of my life. I won’t leave him. It’s not his fault that I don’t love him and it’s not childrens fault that their mother is irresponsible. I’m just existing, not living my life (yes,yes, it’s O.Wilde 😉 ) It’s sad,isn’t it? Anyway, strange thing is that during all those years i haven’t even thought about the other.Then,a couple of weeks ago I met him. Strange feeling.He with his family. It hurts.Still, after all those years. You may ask if I love him? No, I don’t. Today I don’t even like him. What hurts, is that he has life I will never have. I have waisted 10 yrs of my life and will waist the rest of it. My story is for all those who,after breaking up, are looking for the consolation in arms of someone who they don’t love. Please think before you do it. It’s not worth of it. Sorry for my english, I hope you get the point 😉
Thank you for the kind words about my blog.
I am sorry that your story is so sad, but I am glad that you are strong enough to share it with us, so that we might learn from your experience. I am also glad that you are there for the children. That is important as well.
As for the waste of your time and life, if you have two children, it can’t be a complete waste, right?
Thank for your reply philosiblog 🙂
As for your last question: right, I have children, but I can’t live their lives. I have my own life ( or I’d rather say my existence). They are part of it, of course, they are my pride and joy but they are independent.
Children grow up and go away to live their own lives, that’s normal. We are all alone in our trip. It is said: “life is your road and yours alone.Others may walk with you but no one can walk it for you”. I don’t know who said that, I’ve heard it somewhere. That’s my point: my children are just walking with me. But it’s only for a while.
I will not bother you anymore, your time is precious, you are busy and there are other people with real problems.
I wish you all the best
Thank you so much for taking time to read.
It sounds like you are spending a lot of time thinking about the negatives in your life. We all have them. We’ve all made mistakes. Try to learn what you can, and focus on what is left. It might not seem like much, but it’s better than wallowing in pity and weeping bitter tears, right?
And feel free to bother me. That’s what I’m here for. 8)
I am in love with somebody and I know she does not love me. She just had an infatuation, maybe attraction. We had discussions on this. She advised me that it is best for me to stay away, I tried, stayed away but could not somehow. I brought her back, as a friend, but that feeling of love from my side is smothering her I think. Somehow the definition of true love which u stated above as per New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses, are not true, from her side. Infact all of them answer in the negative. She thinks I am wrong all the time, I accuse her, I mean I really do not understand why she is so insecure. She even thinks I do not really love her, just flirting with her. I sacrificed my ego for her, not let anything come in between, but just no appreciation on her part. Maybe she’s going to tell stories to other people about how I behaved and stupid it was. I think I should move on, just do not know how to. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Regards
Love is one of those words which covers far too much territory. What you mean when you say the word and what she meant when she said it are obviously different. At least that is what I gather from your comment.
Something you probably know, but are overlooking in your discomfort, is that you can’t make someone else do something. Even when you do something for them, if it is a gift, they owe you nothing. If it is a transaction, then is it really love?
It sounds like she is over you, and won’t be coming back. If she lies about you, it will hurt. The best way to deal with that, in my opinion, is to live a life that shows that she does not speak the truth.
The question is what will you do? Will you dive straight into a new relationship, and risk making the same mistakes again, or will you take a moment and try to determine what happened? Once you know what happened, you can try to find a way to improve what you do, or how to not do the same thing again. Learn from this experience. Learn from every experience. Improve yourself, and become the best person you can be right now.
the hardest thing in the world is loving someone who dose not love u back. it’s so hard to make them love you, when you love somebody and your gonna break up with them cuz u know the don’t love u back at the first you hurt so much cuz you don’t know how to spend your life without them but after awhile you fell like your fine now and you don’t cry for them now you think that ur heart fixed so u think you can date other person, u start dating but after awhile ur gonna break up cuz u see just the bad things in them u do this servler times but its the same all the time its all bcuz theres impty place in ur heart that jut ur one first love can full it, so don’t try so hard instead of this try to get back ur first love.
Sorry to hear you had a rough time. Life has cycles, and this cycle will eventually end, and things will get better. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.
How funny to read this blog on your website today!
To keep oneself safe does not mean to bury oneself.
If you are afraid of being hurt, yet again, by caring for someone, refusing to care and driving everyone away is burying your heart in an attempt to stay safe. You may need to work your way back into relationships, and be protective, but burying yourself will hurt you in other ways, right?
Yep. Sometimes comments from the readers stick with me, and make it into other posts.
But there is another issue to hiding from relationships. That kind of wound requires care from the outside. If all it gets is isolation, it will leave a terrible scar. With the proper ‘treatment,’ it can heal and become nearly invisible.
That said, you have offered to help, and were rebuffed. At some point, as much as you want to help, you have to realize that you are only making it worse. Are you at that point? That is something only you can answer. In addition, you have yourself to look out for as well. This ‘relationship’ is stressful for you, and may require some recovery on your end. Don’t neglect yourself or your needs.
No not yet. I don’t feel I am making it worse. What’s tearing me up the most is the way its been done. A mere short text saying ‘sorry for always letting you down’ ‘ I cant do a relationship’ is what you say ‘ an easy out!’ It could be he just cant face me as its too painful but after all we’ve been through together It just feels so so wrong to end it like that and part of me feels its not what he wants or he would be able to face me with it.
For someone to go to these lengths to avoid someone is very disturbing and sad.
I cant move on with no real ‘closure’
I feel like im just going through’ the motions of living’ at the moment. Stuck in a horrible limbo land.
I don’t know the answer…
Unfortunately, there isn’t an answer. You just have to work your way through it.
As for ‘going through the motions’ – I would recommend that you try to snap out of it. Find something you enjoy, and at least spend some time feeling alive.
Yes perhaps you are right. I’m at loss to be honest.
I will step back and see if he appears soon.
Wish me luck and thank you for all your help.
Nikki…
You are most welcome. Stay safe, stay strong.
I’ll be ever grateful to you for sharing the wisdom with the world!
Thank you for the kind words. Glad you found this to be of use. If you are interested, there are over 800 other posts you could look at. Pick a key word and search, or search for a phrase or author. Thanks for stopping by.