A man should choose a friend who is better than himself.

Posted on 15 July 2011 by philosiblog

A man should choose a friend who is better than himself. – Chinese Proverbs

What does that mean?
A person should try to improve themselves. That can be done in many ways, but this saying promotes finding a friend who is better than you are.

Better at what, you might ask. Better at whatever you are striving to improve in yourself. If your tennis game isn’t improving, make friends with someone who is better at tennis than you.

Why is self-improvement important?
Well, if you don’t do something to get better, what is going to happen? You aren’t too likely to spontaneously get better at something without putting in some effort. You could read a book, but this quote is about finding a friend to help you improve.

More precisely, this quote isn’t about how to find a friend, but why it is useful to do so. If you have a friend who is better than you at something you wish to improve, then you have a coach who can help you learn more easily that which they learned the hard way.

And why would you want to improve yourself? I don’t know about you, but I am nowhere near perfect (yet). There are so many ways I could stand to improve myself. I couldn’t even begin to list all the things I’d love to improve.

Where can I apply this in my life?
What aspects of your life are you most interested in improving? Would a friend who was better at it help you improve? Grab some paper and write down a few aspects of your life that you think could use some improvement.

If you want to get better at chess, you would do well to find a mentor or a teacher. Better yet, find a friend who is better than you at chess. Games will follow, and improvement will begin shortly after you start learning from your mistakes.

Take one of the items you listed on your list and take a few moments to brainstorm where you might find people with those talents. If you want to get better at art, perhaps you could cruise through galleries or art stores and strike up conversations.

If you want to find a person with mad chess skills, where would you look? Some cities have chess boards set up in parks, that might be a place to look. Check the internet for chess clubs in your area and stop by one and see if anyone there seems friendly.

For the truly adventurous, there is always places like Facebook (search for what you want and find a fan page, and then try to locate someone who is local) and CraigsList (you can find almost anything there, just be careful).

You can also go into ‘hunter’ mode. Know your prey – where would the kind of person you are looking for hang out? Are you more likely to find a chess master in a bar or a library? Are you more likely to find a Tennis Pro at a golf course or a Tennis club? If you use a little logic, you can at least narrow the field down a bit, right?

This saying can also be looked at in a moral sense. Try to find friends who are better than you in the skills that your society values. Someone who is more honest, more religious, more skilled at the national sport. Someone who has higher standards, greater compassion, better ethics.

This second interpretation is also worth considering when selecting any type of friends. It would probably be regrettable to find that your new chess buddy and mentor was also a thief. While you were learning from them, they were casing your house. That’s not going to end well, will it?

In life, you will have friends. Some are better at jokes, others are better at sports. You will learn from some and you will teach others. Remember, this friendship thing goes both ways. Try to be open to the needs of others and help them where you can.

From: Twitter, @AncientProverbs
confirmed at : http://roritop.posterous.com/a-man-should-choose-a-friend-who-is-better-th
Photo by JustABoy

Posted in self improvement | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil.

Posted on 14 July 2011 by philosiblog

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil. – Niccolò Machiavelli

“Well, wouldn’t you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly lion? I would.” – Cowardly Lion

What does that mean?
It means that no matter what you do, there are some people who are going hate you. If you do evil, the good people will hate you. If you do good, the evil people will hate you. If you do something, the slothful will hate you. If you do nothing, the busy people will hate you.

In short, it’s a statement about human nature, and how it seems to be predisposed to hatred. All it needs is an excuse. Even if you help person X, person Y may have been waiting for the person X to ask them for help or for person X to get into an even worse predicament, so that they could take advantage of the situation.

Why is courage important?
If people are going to hate you no matter what you do, you might be inclined to do less, even to the point of doing nothing. But even then, some will hate you. What can you do? To mutilate a famous poem, “haters to right of me, haters to left of me, haters in front of me, yelling and screaming.”

I would recommend courage in this instance. Either that or the life of a hermit (and even then, I bet there are people who hate hermits too). Courage is defined by thefreedictionary.com as “The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution.”

So what I am recommending is that you face the fear of their hatred and ridicule with confidence and firm resolution. Resolve to do good, regardless of their opinions. Do good because that is who you are and what you do, and do it despite what others might say about you.

Where can I apply this in my life?
Is there something good you want to do, but you are afraid of what others will say or think about you? Of course, the definition here of ‘good’ depends on the person, but we will assume some level of rationality and respect of the social norm for the purposes of this conversation. Grab some paper and write down a couple of things you would do, if only nobody knew about it (so they wouldn’t hate you).

Perhaps your family or your friends are particularly against sex outside marriage, and you want to help out a teen pregnancy center. Perhaps your family or friends are very much against drugs, but you want to help at a clean needle distribution center.

Would you rather try them the other way around? Perhaps your family or friends were the ‘free love’ kind of people and you wanted to work in an abstinence clinic. Perhaps your family or friends were into ‘mind altering journeys’ and you wanted to help junkies quit.

I selected these examples specifically for their controversial nature. Whatever you may think of these topics, I hope you can see the tension that such beliefs and actions would cause. That you can see how what one might think was good, could be an action that was hated by family and friends.

When you examine where you stand on an issue, you must have courage, and convictions. What do you really stand for, and how far are you willing to go to stand up for your beliefs?

Obviously, that’s a question only you can answer. But the steps are clear. You must search deep inside yourself and determine two things; what you really stand for, and how much courage you have.

What do you stand for? Consider each one of the topics you wrote down earlier. If nobody knew you were doing it (so that no one could give you grief or hate you for it), what would you do? Why are you not doing it already? Do you lack the conviction to stand for your beliefs, your values or your definition of good? Think about it for a few moments.

Once you have found something you really do stand for, and stand with no small measure of conviction, the next step is to consider your courage. If you have conviction, but are not doing anything about it, one would assume that the problem was courage (or more specifically, the lack of courage).

Courage comes from within. It can’t be given to you, as the Cowardly Lion found out. When your convictions are bigger than your fears, or when you muscle up the determination to do it anyway, you have courage.

Like anything else, it takes practice. Repetition is the mother of skill, so practice courage whenever you can. Be smart, don’t be reckless. Don’t confuse stupidity with courage. If you’re unsure before you do something, all doubt and uncertainty will be removed simply by doing it, and observing the results (but that might be a little unpleasant, so be careful).

Hater’s gonna hate, do something good anyway. The hating, that is their problem, not yours. And keep on smiling.

From: Twitter, @philo_quotes
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/niccolomac157837.html
Photo by twm1340

Posted in courage | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

If you don’t know where you’re going…

Posted on 13 July 2011 by philosiblog

If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there. – Lewis Carroll

But this line is not in the Alice in Wonderland books. The proper exchange is :

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

What does that mean?
Well, the paraphrasing that is so often quoted is a pretty good summary the exchange between Alice and the Cheshire Cat. How can you pick a road to somewhere when you don’t know where you are going? How do you get “there” when you don’t know or don’t care where “there” is?

Why is direction important?
Or more specifically, having a direction. Where are you going? Until you can answer that question, you can’t say that any one route is better than another. Any road will get you to where you want to go.

Not having a direction, not having a goal, not knowing where you are going, it’s all the same. You go nowhere. You can never get “there,” can never arrive anywhere, because you don’t really have a destination. Without direction, without a destination, without a goal, how do you pick a direction, choose a road, or plot a course to get “there”?

Where can I apply this in my life?
What direction are you interested in taking your life? Pick an aspect of your life and apply the saying. If you don’t know where you’re going to dinner, any road will get you there. If you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up, any road will get you there. If you don’t know what you want in a friend, same thing.

I know it’s practically impossible to know everything before hand. But if you wait until you have all the information, life will pass you by in the mean time. Do some research, ask some questions, gain some practical experience, then make a decision, then act on it.

That’s the hard point for me. Deciding when to quit cutting bait and get fishing, as Grandpa used to say. When do you know when it’s time to quit researching and time to start the field work? That will vary depending on the person, and on the subject under consideration. That’s weasel words for “depends” – depends on you, mostly. Sorry.

What are the areas of your life where you seem to lack direction? Grab some paper and start a list. It could be anything – just write it down. Clothing style, hair (style, color, length, …), job or career, friends, purchases, sales, or whatever it may be.

I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I do software and engineering and any number of other things, but somehow, I think my future is in education of some sort. But without anything more specific, how can I possibly move forward? What road will take me to a destination that I can’t specify?

As usual, most of life’s difficulties come down to preparation. Too little or too much, or just sitting there with “analysis paralysis” the result is the same. You don’t get what you want, you don’t go where you had hoped to end up.

The first step is to get an idea of what you want to do. Select one of the areas you are lacking in direction. Brainstorm some possible directions. Write them down. Then consider each one and narrow the field down to just a few of the best and most appropriate possibilities.

If you’re wondering what to do for a vacation, you have a lot of possibilities. Start with the toughest limits, typically time and money. If you’re planning a weekend getaway, a trans-oceanic flight is probably not a good idea. If your budget is in the “what’s in the couch cushions” category, you’re probably staying fairly close to home.

Once you’ve got an idea of what the basic boundaries are, ask yourself what you really want to do. For the vacation, do you like to camp, ride, lounge in a spa, see plays, drive places, take pictures, ride roller-coasters, or whatever else might appeal to you.

Sweep through all the options you came up with, and compare them to the limits you have. If it’s a weekend and couch cushion change, you might want to drive to the nearest national park and hike for a while (hope you like hiking!). I think you get the picture.

Once you have a couple of really good candidates, finish your research and select one of the paths. At this point, it probably doesn’t matter which one exactly you choose. You can always write it off as a “learning experience” and try again. Even if the steps are small, you should strive to make progress, learn from the experience and revise your direction.

If you don’t have a direction, why have a rudder or a steering wheel. Without direction, you are adrift in the stream of life, subject to all the problems, and completely without recourse. If you have a direction, you can always change your mind and decide to portage around the rapids.

Where are you going? Answering the question is important. If the answer to the question is anywhere, you’re probably already there.

From: Twitter, @BrightQuote
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lewiscarro165865.html
Photo (with minor edits by the author) by Symic

Posted in clarity, decision, direction, goals, motivation, vision | Tagged , , , , | 34 Comments

Everybody is a genius…

Posted on 12 July 2011 by philosiblog

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. – Albert Einstein

What does that mean?
Einstein is stating here that he believes everyone has some genius in them. His genius was seeing the world of physics through new eyes. I don’t know if Albert knew how to climb a tree, but I think all of us can understand that tree climbing is not what fish are good at.

Fish are good at swimming, not climbing trees. If you kept telling a fish that it was stupid (presume for a moment that the fish could understand you) because it couldn’t climb a tree, I imagine it would develop some kind of inferiority complex.

But we all have a talent, a spark of genius, somewhere in ourselves. What it might be is unique to each person. For fish, it would probably be swimming or something related to water, not trees. I don’t know if Luciano Pavarotti could climb a tree, or if he could swim like a fish, but that boy could sing!

Why is kindness important? Continue reading →

Posted in kindness | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

Life is like a ten-speed bike…

Posted on 11 July 2011 by philosiblog

Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. – Charles Schultz

What does that mean?
Like most of the roads around town (with some notable exceptions, like Florida & Kansas), there hills and valleys. It goes up and down. You need to shift gears, as the correct gear for climbing a hill is seldom the proper gear for descending it.

There are also winds to deal with, and traffic signals. The proper gear, even on a flat road, will be different going into the wind than with it. Is the proper gear to get going from a stop the same as the proper gear for an extended ride through the countryside?

Why is flexibility important? Continue reading →

Posted in flexibility | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Life is like a ten-speed bike…

To arrive at certainty, you need…

Posted on 10 July 2011 by philosiblog

To arrive at certainty, you need to start from a skeptical posture. The best scientists are impartial, not swayed by their own beliefs. – Dalai Lama

What does that mean?
The subject of this comment is the Scientific Method. Throughout the history of science, people have made claims of many sorts. Often the results were not repeatable, sometimes even the data and methods were hidden from other researchers. These actions (or lack thereof) violate the principles of the Scientific Method.

Most of the people who violate the terms of the Scientific Method have put their beliefs, their hopes and/or their egos ahead of proper methodology. They have sacrificed a healthy skepticism of their own theory for fame, fortune and research grants.

Why is skepticism important?
Skepticism is at the heart of the Scientific Method. If you are looking for ways to prove you are right, you will find them (even if you have to make it up). Any other researcher in your field could easily prove your theory wrong with the application of a little science, backed by a healthy dose of skepticism. Show me! Prove it! I don’t believe it!

In the Scientific Method, you come up with a theory, you design some experiments to test or to challenge the theory (not to prove it) , and you share all of your information with other researchers. Then they repeat your experiments, verify your data, and start trying to break your theory. If it survives, you have a good start, and research continues. If they break it, you go back to the drawing board.

Too many people put their desires ahead of the true path of the Scientific Method. They cut corners, they hide data, they fake results. Then they announce something big, something important, and then the controversy begins.

The results of experiments can’t be repeated. Models and estimates won’t give the same results, or can’t even be replicated. Battles of egos, flaring of tempers, and world wide shouting matches ensue (none of which belong in the discussion of science, by the way).

It’s a terrible injustice to all the hard working and honest scientists who are busy doing true research and following proper methodology. The bad behavior of the few ends up giving all the rest of the scientists a bad name. It makes us question the integrity of the entire scientific community.

Where can I apply this in my life?
If you aren’t doing research, you might think this doesn’t apply to you. I would say you were wrong. Skepticism belongs in everyone’s tool box. Most of us use it when a telemarketer calls us, or when an e-mail from a Nigerian Bank appears in our in-box.

If someone makes a claim that you can make thousands of dollars from home, you have the right to ask if it’s repeatable, or if that’s the outlying data point, a one in a million chance. You should be able to find others who have also replicated the results. You should be able to get the basic information and try it for yourself, in an attempt to repeat the results. Just make sure you get a money back guarantee.

When you ask your kids what they were doing, or where they have been, are you skeptical? Perhaps your kids are angels, but sometimes a little skepticism goes a long way. The same goes for dealing with anyone trying to sell something, from beauty products to used cars.

That said, it’s possible to overdo it. When you start getting paranoid (or others start mentioning that they think you are), you might be going too far. If you interrogate your kids every time they come through the door, you’re likely to alienate them a lot sooner than would otherwise happen.

The only place for a lack of skepticism is in the field of faith. In faith, there is certainty, but it is not science. In science there can be certainty, but only if it comes from skepticism, not from faith. Faith and science, both can exist in your life, but they cannot exist in the same theory. If you believe something based on faith, don’t claim you can prove it. If you can’t prove something, don’t claim it’s science.

You don’t have to be from Missouri to ask someone to show you. The burden of proof is on the person making the claim, and until they prove it to your satisfaction, you have every right to be skeptical. Keep your guard up, but know when to let it down.

From: Twitter, @DalaiLama
confirmed at : it’s his own feed…
Photo by derekGavey

Posted in skepticism | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on To arrive at certainty, you need…

It is a rough road that leads…

Posted on 9 July 2011 by philosiblog

It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness. – Seneca

<cue the Theme from Rocky music>

What does that mean?
To me, it speaks of the difficulties that often precede any significant accomplishment. The most rewarding accomplishment can be the one that included the greatest obstacles, or the roughest road. Oftentimes, the very reason that the accomplishment is considered so great is that the road is so rough.

Why are obstacles important?
Obstacles, some say, are there to stop us. I believe that obstacles are there to test us. They exist to see how badly we really want something. If we really want something, we will find a way past the obstacle. Over, under, through, the route doesn’t matter, only getting past it matters.

In most movies, the hero (or heroine) faces nearly impossible obstacles, which they have to overcome by brain or by brawn. And the audience cheers them as they accomplish each task, and overcome each obstacle. It seems to be part of the human psyche, to root for the underdog, the person in the impossible situation.

But it’s not just for movies, plays or songs. It’s for real. The people who rise high enough to make the history books, they are the ones of all the millions who lived with them in that era, who did the impossible. They overcame the greatest odds, did the greatest deeds, they walked the roughest road to get to their goal. And for that, they are remembered.

Where can I apply this in my life?
Many people give up on their dreams and goals because the obstacles appear too large. Some obstacles serve to test your will, while others help you look at life a different way.

In 4th grade, I got an electronics kit, and knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I built and rebuilt radios, both tube and transistor based. I even repaired a few TV sets (tube based ones, I couldn’t afford anything that wasn’t thrown out in the trash).

I got through High School and into a good engineering college and into the school of Electrical Engineering. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. Then I discovered what girls and partying.

I was thrown out of school. I had to go home and get my act together. I had to get a job, and chose to continue to take classes at the local community college. I prepared for the readmission tests. Then I took them and passed, and was readmitted to the school.

It doesn’t sound like much when it is written that way, but for a young kid, that was a really tough road. Just ask my parents. When I graduated, everyone who knew me also knew how much it meant to me. They knew how rough the road had been for me.

What is holding you back? What obstacles are between you and your dreams, your goals, your aspirations? Write a few of them down, and let’s examine them.

What is the nature of the obstacle? Not it’s actual substance, but why is it a obstacle? Is the obstacle money, time, effort, knowledge or is it something else? How can you break the obstacle into smaller mini-obstacles?

  • If it’s an issue of money, can you save some each month and get past it that way?
  • If the issue is the size of it, can you break it down into steps, overcoming the obstacle a small bit at a time?
  • If the issue is time, can you find a way to work it into your schedule (it might take a while, but if you keep making progress, you can eventually get past it)?
  • If the issue is knowledge, can you find a way to get the information or skill necessary to think your way through the obstacle (or find a better way around it)?

There are many ways that obstacles can get in our way. Often, we are simply intimidated by them. Their very size and scope seem to make it impossible to do, so we don’t even try. But we can accomplish so much if we only try.

Finally, sometimes an obstacle exists to give you a chance to evaluate your goals and consider alternatives. For me, one obstacle that helped me better understand myself was football, or more precisely, an injury. I wanted to play football so badly that I talked my parents into letting me start playing in Junior High School. And then I messed up my knees before I got to High School.

It was the end of a not-so-promising football career. But it allowed me to see what else was out there, what other outlets there were for my physical and mental energy. I went from being a football player to a chess geek in one summer and from a runner to a bicyclist. And I still get to watch the big game on TV, and I still enjoy it immensely.

What are your obstacles, and how will you handle them? Will they help you find a better path? Will they give you a shot at fame or glory? Will you smash them in a single blow, or chip away at them over time?

However you do it, remember that the rougher the road, the greater the feeling of accomplishment as you reach the heights of greatness.

From: Twitter, @philo_quotes
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/luciusanna125252.html
Photo by kaitlin.marie, and reminiscent of the famous scene from the movie Rocky

Posted in obstacles | Tagged , , | Comments Off on It is a rough road that leads…

…though with a little axe…

Posted on 8 July 2011 by philosiblog

Many strokes, though with a little axe, hew down and fell the hardest-timber’d oak. – William Shakespeare

Quoting directly from The Third part of King Henry the Sixth, Act 2, Scene 1 (5th and 6th lines from the Messenger)

“And many strokes, though with a little axe / Hew down and fell the hardest-timber’d oak.”

What does that mean?
Specifically, the quote tells how a mighty warrior was killed when overwhelmed by sheer numbers. For us, it speaks to the virtue of perseverance. No matter how big the problem may seem, if we keep after it, we can succeed. It is similar to the concept of the wind and water wearing down mountain ranges, it just takes a little longer.

Why is perseverance important?
Perseverance is how anything gets done. Most people don’t learn to crawl on the first try. Some even go backwards for a while before they figure out the proper sequence of motions to move forward.

For walking, most kids start by trying to stand, then cruising (walking while holding on to the edge of a chair, couch, table, etc), before letting go and taking the first few steps. Even then, they end up on their butts after just a few steps. You probably couldn’t count the number of times a baby fails before they can walk all the way across the room.

That kind of perseverance is what got Edison the lightbulb, and babies all over the world show this kind of perseverance all the time. Perseverance is what you call it when something doesn’t work the first time, and you go back again (and again) with an updated plan or better skills.

Where can I apply this in my life?
In this quote, the Bard is talking about the toughness of a mighty oak tree, and how it can be felled (chopped down) by a small axe. He also mentions that it will take many strokes of the little axe to accomplish this task.

What is your mighty oak, the hardest timbered tree (implying toughest to chop down)? What is it that seems impossible, or at least impractical, to you? Would you get started on it if you knew you would win in the end?

For me, weight had not been a problem for most of my life. I had an abnormally high metabolic rate and simply didn’t gain weight. Then the inevitable happened. As I rolled on through middle age, the mighty metabolism slowed down. However my eating did not. Suddenly (not really, but it seemed that way), I was 25 pounds overweight.

My wife went through a similar process, but her metabolism slowed earlier than I did, and she needed to lose nearly double the weight I did. We lost weight the old fashioned way, one mouthful at a time. It took the better part of a year to do it (she was more disciplined than I), but the results were accomplished. And the pounds have stayed off for over a year now.

Write down a couple big projects you want to get done over the next couple of years. Write a book? Build something (or rebuild, repair, modify, etc)? Paint something? Learn a new skill?

I’ve been told that most people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in a decade. What would you like to have accomplished 10 years from now?

If you broke the task into 10 big chunks, how big would each chunk be? Now take each of those chunks and break them into 10 smaller chunks. Now take each of the smaller chunks and break them into 5 little parts. You now have a decade long, week-by-week plan for your task.

Want to write a novel? Five hundred pages broken down into 10 years is 50 pages a year, or about a page a week. That sounds manageable. Even if you take a year to work out the outline, and another year to do all the research (if a character is a sailor, you should probably learn some appropriate terms, right?) , you are still can get away with just a sentence or two a day. Think you can find the time to do that?

Perseverance gets things done. A little each day, each week, can get an amazing amount of things accomplished. I have written a post a day (with one day off) for over 4 months now. That’s 133 posts!

I didn’t think I’d make it to 100, but that was over a month ago. I’m just going to keep at it. Who knows, I might eventually get good at it!

Set your sights on your target and do a little each day, each week, each month. Nothing is over until you either succeed or you quit. Are you a quitter?

From: Twitter, @quotesblog
confirmed at : http://shakespeare.mit.edu/3henryvi/3henryvi.2.1.html  (5th and 6th lines from the Messenger)
Photo by Andrew Michaels

Posted in perseverance | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Anger is never without Reason…

Posted on 7 July 2011 by philosiblog

Anger is never without Reason, but seldom with a good One. – Benjamin Franklin

What does that mean?
Anger is frequently seen, and it almost always claims to be justified. However, as Ben rightly states, the reason that is given, it is seldom a good reason.

This is because the reason we tell ourselves that anger is justified rarely seems as good of a reason to others as it does to ourselves. In this saying, Ben is arguing for caution when bringing forth the emotion of anger.

Why is caution important?
Caution, especially when used to temper powerful emotions, is a very prudent thing to do. Caution is a function of logic, and logic is usually considered the opposite of emotion.

By exercising some logic before getting excessively emotional, one hopes to prevent becoming overly emotional. Anger is one of those emotions that can easily come on a person, and without caution, can overwhelm a person.

At thefreedictionary.com, caution is defined as “Careful forethought to avoid danger or harm,” and “Close attention or vigilance to minimize risk.” Again, caution is listed as logic being used to provide a buffer against danger, harm or risk.

While there is such a thing as too much caution (think timid), more people seem to suffer from a lack of caution than from an abundance of it. This post, therefore, doesn’t apply to the truly timid people out there.

Where can I apply this in my life?
Are you a person who would often “fly off the handle” or are otherwise considered hot-headed? Do you get angry often, or allow your anger to flare uncontrolled? It’s more common than most people think.

My case was actually quite mild by comparison to some I have seen. I was able to deal with my anger issues with diversion techniques and logic. But it depended on early detection of situations that might bring out the anger. Since then, I have become a person who reaches to caution as a first resort, and not to anger.

There are many places to get help with anger issues. There are many free programs available, as well as personal education classes. There are online resources as well as books, CDs & DVDs that can help. Look around and find the help you need and is appropriate for you.

Ask yourself if there are certain times when you get angry more than others? Some people are really irritable on Mondays or before their third cup of coffee. Are there certain situations where you are more defensive than others? Do some topics of discussion seem to bring out the worst in you? Grab some paper and answer each of the questions and see if you can find a pattern.

When I did this exercise (many years ago), I found a few topics and some situations that would bring out the worst in me relatively easily. I learned to avoid those topics, situations and places. I don’t go to bars. If certain topics come up, I try to change the subject, and if that doesn’t work, I excuse myself. If pressed for a reason why, I simply state that the topic makes me very agitated and then I leave.

If you found some situations that tend to make you more angry than others, can you find a pattern? Is there something similar between them? If so, you can get more ‘bang for the buck’ by going to the root cause. For me, anger showed up most often at parties and in bars. The root cause was alcohol, my use and the use of it by others. The simple solution was to avoid alcohol, and the bulk of my problems disappeared.

Are there topics that get you angry? How can you avoid the topic? What can you say if the topic is raised? You can let your friends know that you don’t want to discuss the topic, but someone else might bring it up. I would excuse myself to use the bathroom, and if pressed, I would simply state that the topic made me very emotional and I didn’t want to be a part of the conversation. Then I would walk away.

What worked for me might not work for you, as we’re all a little different. The important part is to exercise caution when the possibility of an angry response exists. Learn more about yourself and work on making caution, instead of anger, the first step in those situations.

And if you do get angry, make sure it truly is for a good reason. Ben thanks you, I thank you, and your friends thank you.

From: Twitter, @motivation
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/benjaminfr382924.html
Photo by aarongilson

Posted in caution | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Anger is never without Reason…

We cannot direct the wind…

Posted on 6 July 2011 by philosiblog

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. – Bertha Calloway also attributed to Dolly Parton

What does that mean?
To me, it speaks of the forces of nature which we are unable to control. We can’t do anything about the wind, or lack thereof. All we can do is adapt to it. With the wind, we can adjust the sails or adjust our approach (tacking instead of sailing on a run) but we cannot change the wind.

Why is adaptation important?
Adaptation is a powerful word. Darwin used it and it changed the face of science. Adaptation is, by his theory, the way that life progressed. Regardless of how you feel about Darwinism and how the Evolution of Species might explain life as we know it, adaptation at the personal level is required to survive, much less thrive.

Adaptation is how we move forward. We adapt to the changes in our world, first by learning how to move our limbs and progressing to the crawl, walk, run sequence. We adapt by learning better methods of communication by moving from crying to pointing to speaking.

For those old enough, you adapted from quill pen to fountain pen to ball point pen, or from handwriting to typewriters to computers. Communication as an adult has gone from land-lines to cell phones. Even my mom has a cell phone now.

There is usually some concern, some trepidation in adapting. New devices, new procedures, new methods, all these require change, and some people have problems with change. Change can be scary, it’s often a step into the unknown, leaving the familiar behind. But change is inevitable (except from a vending machine). 8)

Where can I apply this in my life?
To live is to adapt, so you already do it. The question is how comfortable are you with adapting? Are you an early adopter, one who embraces change, in some field (perhaps in technology)? Do you adapt easily to new computers, operating systems, programming languages or phones? Perhaps you do better with the adapting to the changes in fashion, new types of accessories, colors, styles and the like?

I am very good at adapting to technology, but hopeless with fashion. To me, fashion is a bit of a side show, something to observe, but not really embrace. I guess I’m a fashion agnostic. I have learned to adapt to many things, including being married and fatherhood. I have been thinking for a while now, and can’t come up with anything that I either don’t care about or to which I am willing to adapt.

How can you adapt to new things? I have done it by controlling my fear and eliminating (as much as possible) any ignorance I might have relating to the topic. Write down a few areas where you are reluctant to adapt. What kind of change scares you or limits your actions? Perhaps it is fear of commitment or a fear of technology? What is the basis of the fear? Are you fearful because you have no experience or familiarity with the subject?

For any fear based on ignorance, lack of familiarity or inexperience, I would do research. Find books, videos, useful posts on the internet and absorb them. Don’t just read them, put yourself inside the story and learn from their experiences. Also, find a mentor, someone who has walked that path before. Ask questions, and try to learn all you can.

For a fear that is based on a phobia or some irrational fear, that is going to be tougher. Your first step will be to address the phobia, and that is it’s own problem. Once the underlying fear is addressed, you can move forward with logic, like the paragraph above. Sorry I wasn’t more help with a phobia. That’s not my subject of expertise.

For a fear that isn’t crippling (like a true phobia would be), it’s time to give some thought to your situation. Ben Franklin used to make a list of all the benefits of doing something and a list of all the detriments of doing it, then weigh the two columns against each other. Again, if you aren’t certain what to put in the column, or are putting down things that are unknowns, do your research.

Eventually, it comes down to a gut-check. Are you willing to take the risks, are you willing to accept the consequences if you fail (or if you succeed)? For me, I was terrified of becoming a father. Eventually I realized that I would never be as ready as I wanted to be. I simply moved forward and adapted to all the changes that came.

As you learn to sail more effectively, you can make better decisions. You will learn how to handle a headwind and how to set your sails in any circumstances, including when to reef them.

You are the captain of your ship, and you will chart your own course. You will also have to deal with the wind, sometimes favorable, sometimes adverse and sometimes absent. You will have to deal with the storms that are part of life. Experience and adaptation will move you forward and help to keep you safe.

From: Twitter, @motivation
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/authors/Bertha+Calloway
Photo by Donnaphoto

Posted in adaptation | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on We cannot direct the wind…

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.

Posted on 5 July 2011 by philosiblog

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. – Wayne Gretzky

What does that mean?
If you don’t do it, it won’t happen. If you don’t take a shot, you’ll never make the goal. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But how many times have you waited too long before starting something? That usually doesn’t end well, does it?

Getting busy, take some shots, even if they are long shots, that’s what this saying means to me. How about you? Have you taken a shot at something recently, or are you still waiting?

Why is action important? Continue reading →

Posted in action, effort, perseverance, persistence, procrastination | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.

No person was ever honored for…

Posted on 4 July 2011 by philosiblog

No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what he gave. – Calvin Coolidge

"Thank you, anonymous donor."

What does that mean?
We don’t honor people for what they got, like lottery winners. What they have already received is sufficient reward. While receiving is not dishonorable, neither is it specifically deserving of honors.

Honors are given to people who have given to others, through charity, through personal effort or through self sacrifice. Whether it’s a local organisation honoring volunteers or the President giving the Medal of Honor, they are honored in recognition of what they have given.

Why is giving important?
Giving is a part of human nature. Typically, it starts with parents and their children. From that starting point, charitable gifts of money, time, effort and service often flow. For most people, giving just feels good.

Giving tends to be easier with people you are closest to or care the most about. As your compassion and love for your fellows increases, your level of comfort of giving will likely also increase. Then it’s just a matter of what kind of money, time, effort or service you can shake loose and bring to others.

Some people focus on the money aspect of giving. For those who have it to spare, that’s fine. But for those who have more time than money, giving of their time may be their path.

For others, their special skills may be what they give, their service. This might include skills in accounting, carpentry, software, or other types of special skills (such as police, fire, military, etc) or connections with special people.

Where ever you fall along the continuum of giving, and whatever your gifts and talents are, giving from the heart is one of the best feelings you can have. And all you have to do is give. Sounds simple, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
I can’t guarantee this will get you honored by others for what you will do, but I am fairly confident you will feel better for having done it. Hopefully that will be enough to get you going.

The first thing to do is assess your feelings toward giving. What have you given in the past? Have you given gifts to others besides your immediate family or friends? If you have, that’s a start. Did you do any service projects in school or though an organization (church, Scouts, or some other group)? How about in the holiday season, have you dropped some change in the bucket? Have you taken old clothes, toys or other items to a charity center?

If you haven’t done some of each, you now have a list of some things to try, right? Hopefully with all these ideas, you can find a way to give a little more, right? While money has been tight for me lately, I have been giving of my time as a volunteer at my kids’ school. It hasn’t been much, but I’ve been doing computer work, website work, library research, and whatever else was needed. It cost me nothing but some time, and I felt really good about it. At other times in the past, when I had more money than time, I have given to quite a wide range of charities. I also give blood as frequently as I can. Anyone out there ready to face their fear of needles? 8)

As with anything new or different, try it a little at a time. There are tons of ideas, and if you need more, just ask your friends, family and co-workers. Start with a category where you have the most to spare, be it time, money or skills. As you become more comfortable in your giving, you can begin to give more. You can do more with what you have, or try giving in one of the other categories.

Giving builds families, communities and humanity. Do what you can when you can, and give something to help. If it lessens the sting, think more of how much the help will mean to the other person(s). You’ll get something out of it, and so will others. And that’s a good thing.

From: Twitter, @Sports_Greats
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/calvincool121592.html
Photo by makelessnoise

Posted in giving | Tagged , , | Comments Off on No person was ever honored for…

To have true friends and be loved…

Posted on 3 July 2011 by philosiblog

To have true friends and be loved by them, we must in turn feel love and sympathy for others. – Dalai Lama

What does that mean?
This reminds me of the phrase “to have a friend you have to be a friend.” A true friend will have some flavor of love (a word that covers a very broad range of feelings) as well as sympathy. So to have a true friend, you would have to be a true friend, and that requires some flavor of love as well as some amount of sympathy.

These two feelings are the foundation of true friendship. You can have a partnership or some other ‘business’ arrangement without these, but it won’t be a friendship until you care about the other person, through some form of love and sympathy. Does that distinction make sense?

Why is love and sympathy important?
Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.”

Love comes in many flavors, from brotherly love to romantic love, with many steps in-between. The wide range of what the word love means is demonstrated in the definition, of which I have quoted one out of over a dozen.

Sympathy is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other.”

Sympathy, like love, covers a wide range of feelings, and has many steps along the way. From feeling a bit of pity for an injured animal to crying all afternoon with a friend who just got a terminal diagnosis, sympathy shows a connection between you and another.

Love and sympathy both show a connection between people, without which friendship cannot exist. Without these connections, the other person is merely an acquaintance.

Where can I apply this in my life?
Sympathy is probably as good a place to start as any. Do you have sympathy for yourself? If you mess something up, do you fly into a rage and yell at yourself, either out loud or in your head? What do you see when you look back at something you accomplished, the good or the bad, the successes or the mistakes?

If your focus is more on the negative than the positive, you need to show yourself more sympathy. Nobody out there is perfect, you’re not, I’m not, our politicians are not, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Yes, notice that things didn’t go exactly right, but use it as a point to learn from, not as a platform to use to beat yourself up.

Love for self is the first love. Do you love yourself, feel a sense of oneness with yourself? If you have issues with this, there are a number of sources which can help. There are web sites with useful insight out there, include kalimunro.com (which has other useful links, insight and help) and wikipedia.org (which is a bit dry, as you might expect). Of course, there are also plenty of books in the library and online, as well as professional assistance, should it be necessary.

Now, with at least a little sympathy for yourself, and a little bit of self-love, we can turn to friends. As sympathy and love have wide ranges of values, so too does friendship. There are friends you meet for a snack and some gossip, and the friends who argue with you and the friends who bail you out of jail (or are sitting next to you saying “that was a good time!”).

How much sympathy do you feel for others? Do you feel anything when you pass someone on the street who is down on their luck? While I don’t often help them directly, I do feel sympathy for them. If you feel absolutely nothing, I would ask that you try to soften the callous that keeps you from feeling.

How much sympathy do you feel for your friends? Realizing that there are varieties of friends, you should still feel something when one of them is relating a problem they are having. The feeling should be in proportion to the level of friendship you feel. If it isn’t, I would ask that you consider why it is not? Is it a topic you aren’t comfortable discussing? Is it something you felt they brought on themselves? Sympathy is non-judgmental, in my opinion. What do you think?

How do you feel about your level of love and sympathy towards others? These are very personal issues, and you will have to investigate and modify them in a manner that is appropriate for you. I hope I have given you some food for thought on the topics.

Go out and be the friend you would like to have, you deserve it!

From: Twitter, @DalaiLama
confirmed at : it’s his own feed…
Photo by erix!

Posted in love, sympathy | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on To have true friends and be loved…

There is no delight in owning anything unshared.

Posted on 2 July 2011 by philosiblog

There is no delight in owning anything unshared. – Seneca

Sharing music, it's a beautiful thing.

What does that mean?
This seems fairly straight forward, doesn’t it? How many things have you ever purchased that you deliberately hid from the world, that nobody else knew about? We tend to get stuff to either share or to show off. Some people go so far as to do this with spouses, but most of us limit ourselves to mere trinkets.

Yeah, you may have bought the Corvette or Mustang because it’s a neat car, fast in a straight line or in the curves. But admit it, you really like being seen in it, right? It really could be any car (well, perhaps not a Chevette), I know I have been there, even if it was with a vastly inferior vehicle.

Why is sharing important?
Sharing, it has been said, doubles the joy of having something. That is why it’s more fun eating with friends and family than eating alone. Same for drinking and (in most cases) long trips. Sharing also allows you to have a common experience and common memory, to relive and share again, both with those people as well as other friends.

Art seems to give some people the biggest a delight when they share it with others. Some take it to excess, but most people seem to enjoy art because they want to share it with others.

For me, it’s hard to read my twitter feed without interjecting some of it into the conversations (or quiet time) at home. This annoys my wife sometimes, but it amuses her most of the time. Sharing is also the reason most people retweet something. They want to share it with some of their friends, right?

Some of us have bad memories of childhood and ‘sharing,’ but most of these memories are not of true sharing. I think it would be helpful to stop equating the act of other people stealing from us with the term sharing.

Where can I apply this in my life?
I have applied sharing to many aspects of my life, from helping a neighbor move a couple cubic yards of rock to lending a hand on the roadside (changing a tire). I share tools, knowledge and tips with anyone who asks. Sometimes they wish they hadn’t. If you’ve never asked an engineer a question and received a two hour answer, you really need to try it! 8)

Do you have problems sharing? If so, it might help to try to figure out why it is difficult for you. Did you have a traumatic experience when you were young? Did you have siblings that were of the mind set “anything I can grab is mine”? Did you become defensive for some reason? Was there a shortage or scarcity in your life that made you reluctant to lose things?

Those feelings may have served you well in the past, but are they holding you back? Do they still serve your needs today? You might want to consider how well these feelings have been working for you these last few years (or farther back, if applicable). See if you can let go and be more free in your sharing. Remember sharing isn’t the same as giving away. Sharing a book means you expect to get it back, giving it away means you don’t.

Try to come up with some logical and some emotional reasons to share. Don’t dwell on the past, and try to ignore the times when sharing went badly. Focus on when you truly shared and things went well. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, with experiences or with things, focus on how good it felt to share. This can help you get yourself thinking differently about sharing.

You can also work on your sharing skills by starting small. Meet a friend for lunch (everyone pays for their own), share a story with another friend, lend a book to someone else. Simply doing something outside your sharing comfort zone will help to expand your skills. Practice will make things easier, and each success helps to build you confidence.

Sharing really does make things better. For me, at least, a hug is better if it’s shared. Same for a kiss, a kind word or a story. Work at it, slowly if need be, but keep working. It really is worth it.

From: Twitter, @philo_quotes
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/luciusanna133699.html
Photo by Ed Yourdon

Posted in cooperation, giving, gratitude, help, sharing, understanding | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on There is no delight in owning anything unshared.

If you only have a hammer…

Posted on 1 July 2011 by philosiblog

To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail. –Abraham Maslow

Also seen : If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

What does that mean?
As an amateur carpenter, this is a funny quote. I have (more than once, I must admit) used a hammer to put a screw in due to a lack of screwdriver. But the root of the saying is a bit more serious.

This quote applies to many aspects of our lives. Drive a station wagon, and pretty soon you see a lot of station wagons. Buy a new pair of shoes, and pretty soon you’re seeing dozens of other people with the same shoes.

We tend to notice things that are similar, even if they’re not exactly the same. That is part of human nature. If you have a hammer, you start seeing nails. If you had a screw driver, you start looking for things to screw up. 8)

Why is observation important?
We tend to group things for ease of processing. Nails & Screws both fasten things together and are long and skinny. People with similar accents or speaking the same language tend to get grouped together. After you group things, you can either use that for good or ill. Grouping people and then treating them badly is frowned upon in most of the civilized world.

Someone who is observant might notice the difference between the Spanish being spoken by the people of Madrid and the Spanish being spoken by the residents of Cabo San Lucas.

Someone who is observant might also notice the difference not just between a screw and a nail, but between brads, finishing nails, common nails and the many specialty nails that exist. Some of those nails use special hammers, so not every nail fits every hammer.

Being observant means noticing these and other differences. One size does not fit all. Everyone and everything is different, even identical twins. Noticing the differences between people and objects can be important to proper analysis of a situation or problem.

Where can I apply this in my life?
What is happening that you are seeing but not observing? There is too much going on for our brains to process. The human mind is, as much as anything else, a deletion filter. Everything that isn’t considered important is deleted.

The classic example of this is the two color trick. Look for everything in the room you are in that is blue. Look some more, make a mental list of everything that is blue. Look closely, you don’t want to miss anything blue. Now, without looking around again, write down everything in the room that was red. Odds are you could list many times more blue things than red, even if there were more red things in the room. You focused your observation on things that were blue, and red items were deleted.

What is your hammer, and how does that shape your observations? My hammer is logic, and I tend to approach every problem from a logical standpoint. That doesn’t always work well when dealing with a child who just had a nightmare. My kids (and to a lesser extent, my wife) have been helping me see past my observational blind spots and helping me learn alternative strategies.

Write down your primary hammer (or hammers, if you have more than one). Can’t think of one? Start by writing down the last four or five arguments you got into, and see if you see a common approach you took either in entering the argument or in the fighting of the argument. I’ve found that as long as I am observant, I can usually avoid arguments by noticing where the other person is coming from and working with them instead of against them.

With a hammer in your hand, how does your observation of the world change? What are you looking for and how are you warping things to help them look more like a nail? Write a few notes about how your hammer changes your view of the world and then consider how you might work resist these changes.

I tend to use conscious competence as my primary method to help with observation. As always, this requires me to notice that I’m not being as skillful as I could be before I can take corrective action. It might help to be aware of when you most often pick up your hammer, so that you can use that as a clue that you are entering a “nail rich zone” and be on your guard.

For each way you have listed as an attempt to resist the changes in your observations when your hammer is in your hand, come up with a phrase you can use to help you remember you are looking for something other than nails. For me, being a bit of a geek, when I feel a logic attack forming, I use Obi-Wan’s line “Luke, trust your feelings” to remind me that there are methods of persuasion that don’t rely on logic.

Being observant often means noticing the little things, the beginnings of things. Notice when someone is beginning to be annoyed at your use of your hammer, and get a different tool out of the tool box. If you have a pair of pliers in your hand, I wonder what everything starts to look like? Hmmmmm.

From: Twitter, @MotivateDaily
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/abrahammas126079.html
Photo by justinbaeder

Posted in observation | Tagged , , | 2 Comments