The more rules you have about how people have to be, how life has to be for you to be happy, the less happy you’re going to be! – Tony Robbins and here
Look how happy she is. What are your rules? How warm does the air have to be? How warm must the water be? How big do the waves have to be before you can be happy?
What does that mean?
Think about this for a moment. Compare these two people. The first is someone who has a hundred rules, every one of which have to be met for them to allow themselves to be happy. The second person has no rules at all, and can be happy any time they chose to be. Which one will spend the most time being happy, and which one will not be happy much at all?
It sounds so simple, and yet how many of us never thought of it? But it has worked for me and several others with whom I have discussed the concept. Take a moment and consider what you think has to happen for a day to be a good one, one that lets you be happy. How much easier would it be to be happy if you got rid of a few of those rules? Could you be happier?
The happiest people on the planet, I am convinced, are little children. They will laugh and giggle for absolutely no apparent reason. They can be happy with nothing but their toes and fingers. How few rules must they have to be so happy with so little? It might be something to think about.
Why is allowing yourself to be happy important?
Think about that for a moment. You have made rules that prevent you from being happy. When it is worded that way, it really does sound dumb, doesn’t it? How much money do you need before you will be happy? Is there no way to be happy with a dime less? A dollar less? Ten dollars? A hundred? How arbitrary is the amount?
Even if your rule is tied to something concrete, like a mortgage payment or your food bills, is there no way to move to someplace cheaper? Is there no way to cut down on your grocery bill, and eat out less (or eat at less expensive restaurants)? Yes, having more money going out than coming in is stressful, but that doesn’t mean you cannot be happy.
Can one be happy in the midst of crushing poverty? Yes, people all over the world do it all the time. And not just among those who don’t know that they’re poor. They have moved their happiness from money and possessions to things they have in abundance. Their friends, their family, their faith, or whatever they chose to cling to as their focus for happiness.
Where can I apply this in my life?
In the paragraphs above, I talked mostly about money, the ‘gold standard’ for happiness among the better off population of the world. It’s a convenient measurement, since you don’t have to worry about local conversion rates from cows to chickens. But there are plenty of other things we use for rules besides money.
How many of you have a rule that if the boss yells at you, you can’t be happy, you must be anxious, disturbed, embarrassed or any number of other less-than-helpful emotional states? What if your rule was to take careful notes, and not do what you got yelled at again? Then you could use another rule to be happy because you learned something new and useful.
Take a moment and think about all the rules you have that prevent happiness. What things can preclude you being happy? Grab some paper and write down what some of them are, perhaps the ones you have most recently activated, and lost happiness because of them.
Consider different aspects of your life, what has to happen when you go out with your friends for you to be happy? What could happen that would require you to be less-than-happy? What about your family? What about work, what besides the boss yelling at you can make your day less-than-happy? Write down a couple things from each portion of your life, each role you have, or however you divide your life.
Now consider how long you are unhappy when each rule is used. A friend of mine has a particular word that sets him off. When someone calls him that, he is upset for the rest of the day. No happiness for him, and when he gets home, happiness ends for his family as well. One word becomes ripples in the pond. Not exactly the best strategy if you’re trying to be as happy as possible, right?
Add something about the duration (or range of durations) for each of the things you listed. Take a look at the list and think about all the things that have to happen *just right* for you to allow yourself to be happy. Is that the way you want to live your life? Is there a better way? Can you get rid of some of the sillier rules? Can you reduce the duration?
One of the things I do when people get me flustered, frustrated, or upset, is I take a few moments (sometimes longer), and let the emotions flow through me. Then I let them flow away, and spend a little time becoming calm and regaining my composure. Then I forgive the person, even (or especially) if they were doing it on purpose. Not because of who they are, but because of who I am.
For me, that allows me to have the emotional release I crave, while not doing anything stupid. It then allows me to get centered again, and move forward with my life. I don’t have a rule that says I have to get really mad and stay that way for at least the rest of the day. Think of all the happiness that rule prevents you from having.
One other thing I do, and I recommend you try something similar, is to reduce the number of rules. Just get rid of them. Keep your mind open and observant, so the next time you feel happiness draining away, you can ask yourself what rule just kicked in. If the rule isn’t useful, get rid of it, and go back to being happy.
Only you control your rules. Only you can change them, only you have to obey them (or chose to ignore them). Only your rules and your reaction to them prevent you from being happy. I would consider taking a few moments and reconsidering what rules you are willing to keep, and what you will discard. And repeat the exercise as often as needed.
From: Twitter, @tonyrobbins
confirmed at : this one was from his own feed, as well as his books.
Photo by mikebaird
