A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. – Mark Twain
In my mind, I'm not comfortable, I feel awkward.
What does that mean?
This quote is talking about a basic function of our minds. We cannot be comfortable without our own mind being comfortable. We are what we think, and this quote is simply pointing this out. If we are uncomfortable in our own mind, we won’t ever find a way to become comfortable.
By extension, we can only be comfortable with the approval of our minds. If we are comfortable in our minds about something, we can truly be comfortable. This comfort, whether given from within ourselves or given by others, I would call approval.
Why is approval important?
A desire for approval seems to be a basic human trait. We look for it from our families, from our friends, from our co-workers, and from the communities we live in. Some people seem to need more approval than others, as I’m sure you’ve seen both in person and on TV. But why might that be?
I propose that the bulk of the people who seek a greater than normal amount of approval from without (others) are trying to compensate for a lack of approval from within (themselves). If you’re having trouble approving of yourself, you can still try to get approval from someone else. I would argue that the better solution is to look within and find out why you are having difficulty approving yourself. And fix it.
Where can I apply this in my life?
I’ve had problems with self-approval in my life. Some parts of me seem harder to approve of than others. I’m not talking about socially unacceptable activities (those should be hard for you to give self-approval), but things as simple as being recognized for an achievement. That can be an unpleasant experience for me. I’m not that fond of being in the spotlight.
To me, the approval of others and self approval are both necessary to be a properly functioning human. That said, of all the things that people have wrong within them, this probably isn’t top on the list of things to fix, unless it’s causing a problem. While we’ve seen the “strong, silent type” in the movies and on TV, the lone-wolf style character (in my opinion) is seldom all that well adjusted. Would you agree?
The biggest problem of this sort (that I am aware of, at least), is a feeling of being unworthy, whether it be of love, praise, admiration or anything else. Like all human ailments, this comes in different intensities, and for different reasons. In the worst case, I could see someone going suicidal. I hope you’re doing much better than that.
Self approval, or lack thereof, probably has dozens of reasons why, and I’d imagine they go back to events in childhood or early youth. If you truly believe you have an issue, I would seek professional help. In my case, it’s only a minor problem, relating to wanting to do better, but having ADHD (before it had a name), I just couldn’t focus.
If you have a minor problem with self approval, you might want to look into your past and figure out why. Once I determined the reason, it was a much easier issue to deal with. I made my peace with my troubled past and moved on in a happier and healthier manner. What are your problems, and where do you think they come from? Examine yourself, and see if you can come up with some ideas.
I realize that I have my problems, but I try to be compassionate with myself. You might want to try being compassionate with yourself and the parts of you that are still struggling. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I have many projects that are partially done. I enjoy planning, but have trouble keeping focused in the completion of the task. I try not to beat myself up over it. I try to have compassion.
As for approval of others, in the worst case, Hollywood-style caricature of a person, you have the boot-licker, the “yes” man, the suck-up or whatever you want to call them. They have no self approval, and therefore live on the approval of others. Again, if you have a really bad case of this, please seek professional assistance.
If your case is milder, you might want to try to figure out what parts of you are you unable to approve? It will likely be very closely related to the kind of approval you seek from others. Once you have an idea about what you are looking for from others, you know what to look for, inside yourself.
What is missing, what can’t you seem to approve of within yourself? With that identified, try to find out when. Were you teased by kids for having big ears, a big nose, a speech impediment, too tall, too short, too skinny, too plump, not smart, too smart, etc… ? Did this self image cause you to feel unworthy of love, affection, etc?
What I found, when I looked inside, was that I was still carrying around a lot of baggage dating back to grade school. Fortunately for me, most of what I was teased about back then no longer applied. Moving past it was trivial. Some of the High School stuff still applies (I’m still terribly awkward around girls – but I’m married, so it’s not a problem anymore), but I’m getting better.
Once you can come to peace within yourself, and be able to give yourself approval, you will likely find (as I did) that the approval of others becomes less important, just the icing on the cake. The real reward is approving of your own actions, and of your own self.
From: Twitter, @tonyrobbins
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marktwain106097.html
Photo by EliJerma
