If you use violence, you may get temporary satisfaction. But the nature of violence is unpredictable – it gives rise to unexpected results

If you use violence, you may get temporary satisfaction. But the nature of violence is unpredictable – it gives rise to unexpected results. – Dalai Lama

"She's really mad at me! I'm not sure what I've done, but I know I'm going to pay for it!" To me, this is the face of emotional violence.

What does that mean?
To me, this is all about a short-term feel-good solution compared to the proper, well thought out and properly executed solution. Yes, it might feel good to pop that guy who was mouthing off, but then what? Does he have buddies? Did some one call the cops? What happens next?

That is the problem with most short-term feel-good solutions. There is always the question of what happens next. Are you ready to face felony charges of aggravated battery over one jerk mouthing off? Are you ready to find out how good your major medical coverage is, as you spend a few weeks in the hospital recuperating?

Why is patience important?
Patience, I want some of it now, do you hear me? NOW! Kidding aside, patience isn’t easy for most of us, is it? How easy is it to forget all about patience and fly off the handle and head straight towards, if not into, violence? The ability to be patient, to bear the slings and arrows of outrageous loud-mouths, it can keep you out of trouble.

With patience, you can remain calm, you can forgive them (for they know not what they are saying, nor to whom they are saying it), you can show them kindness and set an example by not sinking to their level and responding with violence. In my experience, people who act that way are looking for a fight. I prefer not to oblige them. How about you?

Where can I apply this in my life?
I’ve always had a fairly high tolerance for abuse, but I don’t handle stupid people very well. I had a tendency to point out their shortcomings in rather pointed ways. My comments usually didn’t sit very well with them, and it often led to some level of confrontation. I’ve never been that fond of violence, and rarely sought it out, but sometimes it happened anyway.

That was many years ago, and I’m older, wiser and a fairly competent martial artist. These things are no longer trivial to me, and I know what I could do to someone if I was attacked. Provoking an attack renders the claim of self defense moot, in a moral sense, and I would consider myself at fault if my comments started a fight. I’ve learned to stay away from fools and I’m working hard at keep my mouth shut. 8)

When was the last time you felt an impulse towards violence? I would include physical as well as emotional and verbal violence in the list. Emotional violence to me is a malevolent feeling of revenge, envy or some other desire to get even with someone. Verbal and physical violence are pretty self explanatory.

Grab some paper and try to come up with a few examples, ideally with at least one of each category. Feel free to add any other category you can think of, if you don’t like mine. Then list what you think was the thing that sparked your anger, as well as any thoughts on what you have done to defuse the situation and prevent it from even starting to go violent.

Have you learned anything about yourself in the exercise so far? I noticed that there were two patterns in my “surges.” The first was when dealing with fools and people behaving in a stupid manner. The other was when I let myself get overly emotional, and allowed a strong feeling to swing that excess of emotion into anger.

For me, the two things I needed to do was ignore fools (instead of making them suffer) and keep my emotions in some semblance of order. For my emotions, I don’t mean “going Spock” or anything like that, but neither could I let them run wild. In other words, the middle path, somewhere between cold logic and blazing emotions. I also decided to stay away from places that either held a lot of fools, or invoked strong emotions. No more bars for this guy!

Consider how you would answer these questions for each incident on your list:
-What can you do to help remain calm, to not let the anger flare into violence?
-What could you do to forgive the person who aggravated you?
-How can you show them kindness or otherwise reduce or defuse the situation?
-What would it take to get you to keep your cool and set an example of calmness and non-violence?

With those answers now written on your paper, you only need to figure out how to implement them. How do you strengthen yourself and minimize your exposure to that which could cause you to become violent? Take some time to brainstorm ideas, and write them down. Select one and figure out how to make it part of your life. How you practice it in lesser situations so you can build your ‘muscles,’ as it were.

Obviously, this may take some time. Keep after it, revisit your list and keep trying other methods until you find a combination that works for you. Like most of the things we do on this blog, you’ll only get out of it what you put into it.

I have found violence to be, as the quote says, both unpredictable and full of unexpected results. Being a control freak, that wasn’t much fun, and I have found ways to minimize my exposure and maximize my resistance to situations which might induce violence. It’s been tough, but I feel it’s been worth it.

From: Twitter, @DalaiLama
confirmed at : it’s his own feed…
Photo by bl0ndeeo2