The greatest remedy for anger is delay. – Seneca
Perhaps if she just counted to ten...
What does that mean?
Anger, when delayed or deferred, is weakened. This, he believes, is the best course, to allow anger to fade away before it is acted out. In his case, I believe ‘remedy’ is used to mean cure, making delay the cure for anger. This makes sense to me, and hopefully to you as well.
The alternative is to not delay when angry. How does that end? You might want to ask the Montague and Capulet families. Violence will only beget more violence, anger will only beget more anger. Best to let the anger fade and avoid the cycle of anger and violence.
Why is delaying important?
Ask me again later. That’s delaying an answer, and delaying doing work. However, when it comes to anger, delay is the greatest remedy. The delay can do many things. It can allow a misunderstanding to be cleared up before something more serious occurs. It can allow the emotion to fade and, as the saying goes, ‘cooler heads prevail.’
Have you ever been told the best thing to do when you are angry is to count to ten? Why would that work? You are delaying anger about five to ten seconds, depending on how fast you count. But how many fights did it prevent when you were young? It helped me quite a bit, but then I was a very short fused individual growing up.
Delay can also give you a chance to properly frame the event that caused the anger. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the end of the world, and a 1 is a cricket chirping, how annoying was the event, really? Perhaps you are over reacting just a bit. Give it a little time and you’ll get over the worst of it. Ever been there, or done that? Do you have the T-Shirt?
Where can I apply this in my life?
Where isn’t as appropriate as when, in the case of this quote. And the answer to when is any time you’re angry. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? However, we aren’t taking into account the emotional surge that comes with anger. That surge can be a powerful force, and it also tends to be a very resistant to reason.
There are also the factors that exacerbate anger, from other strong emotions to any mind altering substances. Would a lover’s quarrel be less intense if love were not involved? Would a bar fight be a little less intense if everyone were sober?
Then, once we have considered the external factors, there is the internal factor, ourselves. How well do we know ourselves? What are our hot buttons? Do you want to rearrange someone’s face any time you hear a “yo mama is so…” joke? That might be a clue.
Time to grab some paper and write a few things down. What external forces do you deal with on a regular basis? Emotions? Medicine? alcohol? Other mind altering substances? What are some of your internal triggers? Once you have a list, it’s time to start working on them.
I found that alcohol was the primary thing I had to get rid of on my list of external factors. I quit hanging out with people who drank heavily and stayed out of bars. Others, especially those with better developed self-control, could probably find a less severe way of dealing with this factor.
What can you do to limit or eliminate some of the external factors on your list? That’s not a problem I can help you with, as it will be unique, just like you. But take some time and think about it for at least a little bit. It’s hard to count to ten if your head isn’t clear enough to get past five, right?
What about the internal triggers? If someone calls you a specific name, do you immediately fly off the handle? Being a generic white guy, I never had to worry about that particular style of slur. However, with the help of a friend, we came up with the following retort: “I’ve been called worse things by better people.” Now you’ve thrown off the anger, but heaped it on them. Not an ideal solution, but at least you can honestly say to the judge that the other guy threw the first punch.
As the quote instructs, we still need to figure out how to habituate the delay, the whole ‘count to ten’ when angry pattern. I would try to interrupt the first step into violence, such as balling up a fist. Practice getting angry & as soon as you make a fist, stop yourself cold and count to ten while still angry. The hope is that next time you get angry and ball up your fist, you will automatically start the counting. It’s all in the training.
I would also recommend that you consider practicing the counting any time you get even a little irritated. By starting the counting at the mild end of the anger scale, it will become easier to intervene and easier to remember. Then, with practice, it will start occurring in more stressful situations. At least it worked for me, your mileage, of course, will vary.
If you have another way to delay anger besides counting to ten, I would love to hear about it. Please feel free to leave a comment!
From: Twitter, @philo_quotes
confirmed at : http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/luciusanna117803.html
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The greatest (remedy) for anger is (delay).
By Thomas Paine.
“He” wrote “T’hat” as a sarcasm.!!! Read “Right of Men”.?
“Ignorance and Mile”.
Thanks for the info on Thomas Paine’s use of the quote. A quick question – why did you use () around remedy and delay?
When a quote is listed as being by several people, I tend to go with the oldest quote, as it is more likely to have been heard by a more recent person than the other way around. That said, Paine was both well educated and well read. He may have been either disagreeing with the quote, or being ironic in his sarcasm. Unfortunately we can’t ask either of them.
While I cannot find an exact translation (remember, the early translations by the British were often rather poetic and not very close to the modern translations), this one has the same feeling to it:
“…for one of its dictates is that we shall obey the gods and not blaze forth in anger at sudden misfortunes or deplore our lot, but rather patiently+ accept fate…” from http://www.stoics.com/seneca_epistles_book_2.html on page tag
Also, searching GoogleBooks for the quote didn’t match anything in Paine’s books. Perhaps Google hasn’t cataloged all his books as yet?
I found “The Rights of Man” here: http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/documents/1786-1800/thomas-paine-the-rights-of-man/text.php and here: http://www.ushistory.org/paine/rights/singlehtml.htm but it hasn’t the quote in it anywhere. Are you talking about a different book? Please advise.
Forgiveness cures anger
Outlets for anger are a band-aid approach. Temporary patches that may or may not lead to curing our anger. An outlet can easily lead to just more anger (not always but sometimes). An outlet can perpetuate anger, encourage it to grow. What you are really asking for is how do I completely resolve my anger, as in be completely free from it? With an underlying hidden question of, “How do I completely resolve what is causing me to be angry so I do not get angry to begin with?” This is a much more complex answer.
Of course an outlet can release a lot of frustration and lessen the anger but what is actually happening when we do that? There is a much better, easier, faster, much less work way to instantly and completely resolve our anger. Then we can go do those other contact sports and really enjoy them. You do not control anger. (The cure is below.) Attempting to control anger (or most emotion) is a recipe for disaster. Control is something we use in logic or with objects (like this computer). Emotion follows very different rules. But, again, don’t confuse there being rules to emotion that those rules makes sense or are logical – sometimes they are, sometimes not. Just do what works instead. Managing anger is a better term but it still lacks a complete resolution of our anger.
There is a cure for anger – a complete resolution. It works instantly, every single time, if you do it. Here is how to you’re your anger in less than two seconds. Forgiveness. Forgiveness cures your anger. That is it. 100%. Works every single time. Just do that.
BUT it will not stop your parents, family, siblings, friends, boss, coworkers, neighbors, politicians, Hollywood, skin heads, Koreans (probably just one North Korean, ha!), the weather, mountains, air quality, global warming, grass growing wrong, mail not being delivered on time, and so (sorry about that, wanted to exaggerate to make a point to be completely inclusive of ANYTHING that might make anybody angry) you will get angry again. Forgiveness will not stop them from getting you angry again. That is done through learning and mastering mature communication skills to get your needs met. So be sure to do that too.
Forgiveness will not stop them from getting to you again! That is a whole other skill there. Communicate to them that this needs to stop and why it needs to stop. When you do it – be nice about it. Be overly nice about it and persistent.
Learn to forgive as soon as you get angry. Then your anger is gone. After all, holy crap, getting pissed off so much is a lot of work. Sure – you get the instant gratification of violence but at what cost? Does not seem worth it to me. I much prefer getting my real needs met in healthy ways. That way I get much better results and a more enjoyable life. You can’t over forgive.
It is good that you don’t like what this expression of anger is doing to you. It is usually not a healthy way to express anger. It is escalating to get attention, be validated, establish boundaries, and have respect. Side note – a temporary form of releasing anger that is better than hitting walls (but not anywhere near just forgiving) is to take up a low contact sport such as tennis, racquetball, golf, or bowling. I DO NOT recommend football, basketball, soccer or any other sport that will have physical contact for you under these conditions (certainly fun for learning teamwork and stuff) for obvious reasons. Those sports will just perpetuate your anger. Those people playing those sports are actually doing it for very different, valid reasons. You will probably not be able to do it like them. Tennis, for example, is acceptable in our society because you get to release some anger by hitting the ball as hard as you can. Whoops, take golf off the list. That will probably only make you angrier, ha! But it is nowhere near what forgiveness will do. If you are not ready or able to forgive go play some tennis until you are too tired to be angry anymore. Then forgive. Did I say forgiveness cures anger yet?
Remember – forgiveness is not trust. Forgiving people does not mean you have to accept their behavior. Often people confuse these two things. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to trust them. They will probably just keep doing what they do that makes you angry until you set boundaries with them. So forgiveness does not automatically create boundaries either.
We forgive to get them out of our heads. We forgive to be free from the negative influence of them. People put so many things on forgiveness that do not work. Do not do that, just forgive.
(I know I keep posting basically the same thing – just in case each poster is taking the time to read someone else’s thread. I also add some personalization to each one – except this one. Hope that makes up for it.)
Forgiveness will help you lose your pent up anger but it will not stop it from continuing to build up quickly as it seems like yours does. First thing is don’t spend too much time trying to forgive the hardest people in your life (whoever has offended you the most: parents, siblings, predators – they all go last). You must start small because forgiveness is a muscle. It took me a few years to build up to the most difficult people in my life. Start small. Real small. So small you wouldn’t even think it would matter. And start with someone you actually like. Maybe they borrowed a pencil and didn’t give it back? Or whatever. This way, by starting small, you will actually have a chance at successfully doing it. Starting big usually has a high rate of failure but maybe you are the exception.
tl;dr And remember, you actually have to forgive. No pretending or half measures here. Completely forgive because forgiveness cures anger.
Toby Jensen
Master Life Coach
Thanks for stopping by, and for taking the time to write such a great response. I hope to hear from you again.
I agree that forgiveness is another great way to deal with anger. Complete forgiveness can completely cure anger. But for some, it’s a big step. However, it is one of the best ways to be rid of anger for a lifetime. Hopefully we can learn to forgive in something less than a lifetime.
A huge step for some! Totally with you on that. I suggest to start small. Forgive people you actually like first. Forgiveness is an emotional muscle. We need to give ourselves plenty of time to build it up. And forgiving ourselves when we don’t. Which seems to be the hardest person to forgive – ourselves.
Indeed. Forgiving myself was the hardest thing to learn, and I’m still working on it, decades later. But then I can be a little hard on myself sometimes. 8)
Thanks again for the comments. Hope to hear from you again soon.
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what happens after you delay and start a new work and then have anger again.Delay can make you escape from your work but not from anger.In fact delay cannot help you to escape from anger also.
Perhaps, if your work is causing that much anger, you should look for other work.
But the point is to try not to let the heat of the moment cause you to do something regrettable. That was the basic point of the quote.
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