If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown
Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.
What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.
The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).
By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.
Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”
Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.
To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?
Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.
How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?
An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?
You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.
Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.
This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.
From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM
Hello. I have the same situation and it is complicated. Person seems to be heartbroken from the previous relationships and doesn’t want to have a real relationships anymore.That was the main argument for all of our times together and two times this person left me and came back but pressure still was in between.When nothing changed I broke up but this person would come back again and again.This person always come’s back like there is something to say but in the end it is again nothing.
In the past times I suggested to breakup because I felt that person needs a space to think if they need me ,or not. They apologized before for the behavior but never would explain “why”.
Last time they again said that not interested in relationships but still want to be close and I rejected.Is it really that hard to understand if you need someone, or not. Due to my respect to myself i can’t keep that person until they get over the problems that ruins the communication.Does it mean I’m right by rejecting and what could mean when person always come’s back and doesn’t give a chance to forget them completely.
First, congratulations for drawing the line and protecting yourself. That is important.
Yes, it sounds like they have some issues to work out. I think that is the main thing to focus on, not who left who first (or second or third). Life in general, and relationships in particular, are complicated. There are often conflicting emotions, needs and desires. This can cause no end of confusion to the person experiencing them, as well as the people they are with.
Give them some space and time to figure out who they are and what they want. In the mean time, what will you do? Might I suggest that you work on becoming a better person. Learn something new, try something different, improve something you already do. And stay strong.
Hello I am having relationship problems with my girlfriend. We have been dating for 6 months and then all of the sudden she dumped me out of the blue. We are going to the same college and she says she hopes to keep in contact with me. She also says she still has feelings for me and we still talk. She said she dumped me because she felt like she had to mature and that she felt like college would tear us apart. She thought she could not satisfy my needs and she says she needs to find herself and what it means to be her. I thought everything was alright in our relationship but I guess not. It just hurts because it was out of the blue and she is my first serious girlfriend who I care about deeply. I wanted to date her long term but I guess she didn’t feel the same. I am just confused because she says she still has feelings for me, and she wants to stay in contact. I on the other hand dont know if I can be her friend and I have yet to think about the idea of us dating other people. I am just looking for advice.
Thanks from a confused 18 year old.
Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. These things happen, and I just wrote a post on the topic of misunderstanding what someone says when they say they love you (click here to read it).
At your age, especially with a first love, a breakup can be difficult. Perhaps she needs space, perhaps she is confused with the reactions she is having. Who knows. Perhaps she doesn’t even know.
I would recommend you still care about her, but back off. If that is difficult, let her know that, and back off to a distance where you are comfortable.
Now, what will you do with all that extra time? Sit by the phone and wait for her to call? Or can you find something productive to do with your time? My recommendation is to work on improving yourself, becoming a better person in the time you have available. And stay strong. She might come back, or it might not have been meant to be. Time will tell.
While you are waiting, keep busy. It will help keep your mind off it, and you just might get to be a better person.
Thank you for your reply.
I’m starting to wonder if there is more going on with him than I know. I cant say too much on here but could it be possible he has some kind of personality disorder? Or does his behaviour resemble any type of personality disorder?
The reason I ask is looking back in hindsight at some things he’s to me in past that I’ve shrugged off have suddenly come back to me. Something just doesn’t feel right to me. Call it intuition!
It is always a possibility. Take a little time and assess what you know of him, and give your intuition a chance to play out. I have heard intuition described as the other-than-conscious mind noticing things and setting flags to warn you. That said, I doubt either of us are sufficiently trained or qualified to say whether he has a disorder or not. You will have to determine what you feel comfortable doing, and where you will draw the line. Time for introspection, methinks.
Yes that’s exactly how it feels like red flags going up to put me on my guard! I understand that im not qualified but im sure there’s something! I may well be wrong but I have been reading up on personality disorders since and he seems to fit a lot of the symptoms of ‘Schizoid disorder’ (What do you know of this disorder? ) If this is the case im lost as to what to do next? I can normally track him down somehow or prompt a response out of him by text but for some reason this time round he has gone further into himself. I am concerned if he is okay. Its been 3 weeks with no sighting of him and I don’t remember things ever being this bad with him before.
Im really sad tonight and desperate to speak to him!
Well, we have those red flags for a reason. I have a very vague notion of what a Schizoid is, but (as you mention) neither of us are fit to diagnose.
He is obviously actively trying to hide, so it might be best to give him some space. Sometimes the act of having someone trying to find you causes you to hide even deeper, and I don’t think that is good for him, regardless of his diagnosis.
If he is going to be that hard to find, and you are getting uneasy feelings, it might be time to step back and let time sort things out. I don’t know what else to say.
What you’ve wrote really calms me down from all the emotions that i’ve went through for the past week. She left saying she wants to focus on her career and when she weights her priority, she dont see rls as part of it. it was hard for her to fall in love and she said i touched her heart in the begining. but now, her heart has been walled up. And i’ve decided to focus on myself and my future so that in the future. i do hope we crosses path one day and she come to realise what she felt again…
It takes alot of courage to let a person go to figure themselve out while being broken.
It does take courage to let go. However, it sounds like you’re both strong and courageous. And you appear to have a good idea what you’ll be doing to fill your time, and it doesn’t sound like you’ll be doing much moping about.
I’m glad my post was able to help you better deal with your situation. Stay strong.
Hello,
I’ve just recently gone through a break up (3weeks ago).
We had been together for a year and a half and had a generally very smooth, little argumentative relationship. We got on really well throughout our time together and agreed on the majority of things. About 8 months ago, I left for university yet we managed to work through it and at first, we came out stronger than ever.
However, he stopped putting the effort into the relationship, I would go over every weekend (travel the said 2hours) and spend the time with him. However in the time we spent together at his house, he still lives with his parents, we found ourselves to be a little bored. I put this down completely to the fact that we did nothing ‘exciting’. I tried to persuade him to part take in certain activities with him but his lazy nature just said that he couldn’t be bothered and we had nothing to worry about because we were so deeply in love. (Alas I think we were, we had planned our lives around each other).
He then proceeded to also apply to university, to follow me and applied close by/closer by. I felt the happiest I had ever felt because I knew that finally, he would have to become more active with me.
However 3 weeks ago, he (for the first Time in 4 months) said he was going to come visit me at university and spend the day with me. I felt over the moon with excitement because he had never been so spontaneous. He told me he couldn’t do it anymore and that we weren’t compatible as people because we shared different life goals and interests(although his only interests were playing games). He also said the relationship was not as exciting as it was during the initial year and that he doesn’t feel as thrilled to see me and doesn’t miss me as much anymore. He did promise we would stay friends no matter what because he had been my best friend under the sun.
About a week later, he removed me and all my friends on Facebook. He also stopped replying and said that being friends felt forced and he told me to move on from our relationship and our friendship. It also transpired that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore and he did not want the responsibility of being in a relationship(he’s 21). I have tried contacting him, trying to be friends, to converse, with no success.
I don’t know what to do 🙁 I miss him with all my heart and soul and I simply cannot understand why somebody I loved so deeply and who once loved me so deeply too could simply not care to speak to me and not miss me enough to maintain a friendship. I feel betrayed and hurt. I also feel all that we had been through was just a lie on his behalf, although he clearly loved me so much at one point :(.
That truly is a sad story. But please realize that people change. While he may have been constantly in your thoughts, you apparently weren’t in his. He appears to have grown apart, despite you trying to stay together.
It sounds like he has moved on, and that he has changed. He may have felt all those things in the beginning, but (like I mentioned earlier) he may have changed. We all change, and not always in predictable ways.
The question is “What will you do now?” You do have options. You can sit by the phone and wait for him to call, you can rush out and ask the first person you see to go on a date with you, or any number of paths between those two extremes.
While you determine how you want to react to that portion of your life without him, you might want to consider what you will do with your future. What will you do with your time? How will you change and grow? It doesn’t have to be random, you can make choices. You mentioned being in school, I would think that is a great way to work on improving yourself.
My recommendation is to give him some time to figure out what he is doing. In the mean time, work on improving yourself. Both at school, and as a human being. He might come back, he might not. In the mean time, you owe yourself something. Be good to yourself, and be strong.
Ah I did wonder if it meant easy way out.Yes I have heard of that many times and yes I totally agree with what you have said now you have put it into context.He would definitely run away just as he has.
As for the inward spiral gosh once again that is so him! He has little what he calls friends and only aquaintances.He never makes plans with friends.Instead will just turn up at the local pub to see them for a short while but doesn’t consider hiself ‘With them’ When he wants to leave he will just disappear without even saying goodbye! I never could quite understand this behaviour.He told me he does it as if he says he’s going home they will keep on at him to stay and he will then feel trapped I suppose. Having said that he is a very friendly person to others.
He spends most of his time on his own although he has a dog which goes pretty much everywhere with him!! I guess she is the closest to him and he adores her. Then again I suppose she cant hurt him, right?
Do you think people like this actually like being alone?
Well you’ve certainly helped me put a lot into perspective and ive done a lot of thinking today and im going to try and track him down somehow and try to talk to him.
Wish me luck.
I will let you know what happens.
Thank you again for your precious time.i think its fab someone is prepared to give up so much of there time to help others and for free!
You are a marvellous person and great to talk to. Im so glad I found your page!
As for actually liking being alone, not really. But it is less painful than being hurt, or the anticipation of being hurt. A dog or a sports team are where you can put unconditional love and not worry about being betrayed.
I will keep you in my thoughts as you try to find him, and try to reach him.
As for what I do here, I believe we all have something we can contribute. To not help when we can do so, that is being miserly. And that just won’t do.
Yes that does make sense about the not liking being alone and the closeness with the dog.
No luck tracking him down yet but im sill trying.
What I wanted to ask you about is this elusive behaviour of his. In your opinion do you think this is part of his personality or just come about since his marriage break up? Guess what im asking is does someones personality change that much from childhood? I just have the feeling part of this elusiveness is part of him and how he’s always been but I don’t understand why someone would have always been like that? he’s not had many long term relationships.In fact only 3 including me and his wife.The rest were all casual.The partner before his wife was another quite volatile relationship on the girls side.They were living together and a lot of rows and he just took off and never told her and never went back!
The behavior, as far as I understand it, is a reaction to being hurt. I changed when the hurt went away. I don’t know about him, he may be different, or his hurt may be deeper than mine was. That said, he may be so wound up, so scared, so afraid of another relationship (since they all seem to end in pain), he may be avoiding you because he equates relationships to pain. Even if he ‘knows’ better, we’re dealing with emotional responses, not logic.
Good luck with your attempts to track him down, and stay strong.
Thank you for your reply once again.
Im only concerned about making a fool of myself because of my own scars and insecurities from previous relationships. I guess scared of leaving myself wide open.If that makes sense?
If I could track him down I would ask all these questions but he’s avoiding me like the plague at present. The only thing I can do is perhaps send him a good old fashioned letter but its not the same as face to face as I need questions answered and to see his responses.
You could well be right about him ignoring me to drive me away as that did cross my mind but how very sad is that if he wants to be with me? This is really pulling at my heart strings as he is such a lovely guy and i know he is the right one for me.yet he doesn’t believe in his self worth..
What do you mean by ‘Don’t give him an easy out’ ? and what does an inward spiral mean? Sorry im not familiar with these sayings. I asked my mum but she didn’t know for sure either.
Sorry for the long delay – transAtlantic messaging can be rough.
An easy out, in this case, is a simple or quick way to get out of something. In this case, if you give him the choice between (1) facing his fears, risking his heart, and being with you or (2) running away, which do you think is the easy way out for him? Did that make more sense?
As for an inward spiral, I mean that he will turn inward, alienating friends one by one, until there is no one left who could hurt him. He will turn inward on himself until there is nothing left but him. Kind of like a dog trying to find the best spot to curl up (if you’ve ever seen that happen, sometimes called a ‘hound wound’ – with both words being homophones).
PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME 🙁
Hi okay so anyways i do agree with ur true love thing. Im only 17 (female) my boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago (he’s also 17 a senior in high school) and Im only a junior. But before we officially broke up, when we first started dating we both knew he’s heading for college. But we still gave each other a chance to be together; our relationship lasted for 5 months. In between those months we loved each other a lot (at least thats what i think i thought); he would tell me he loves me very much etc… as the months go by when he received his college acceptances it kind of depressed me cuz i knew he’s leaving soon but i was still with him. What we had felt so special but by April he didnt exactly spend enough time with me and I asked him why he has suddenly become so distant. He told me he didnt love me as much…he told me he wasnt in love with me. I’m so confused since he would always tell me he loves me ALOT..could it be that he only said that because we both knew the relationship won’t last since he’s going to college? After he broke up with me … we don’t talk as much but we’re still good “friends”. What really surprised me by the end of the school year was that he came up to me and told me he missed me. His voice sounded very sweet just like the time when we were together and I was also astounded by the fact that when we gave each other friendly high fives he sort of caressed my hands and then let go.
Its been june already and the last time we talked to each other was his graduation day. Ever since then he hasn’t tried talking to me or asking me to hangout. I always see him on facebook taking pictures with his friends on the beach it makes me so depressed. I still love him a lot I can’t believe it; he’s so heartless. To think that I thought he loved me but he never did.
It sounds like he was never yours to begin with, doesn’t it? But be gentle on both yourself and on him. Given your ages, you probably don’t have much experience. What you went through will seem quite mild compared to some of the breakups which you might encounter. I’ve been through a divorce, and that’s just a little more heartless than what you’ve been through.
Personally, I would focus on remembering the good times, and then move on. You will get what you focus on, and if you focus on the anger, all you will get is angry. Let go, and move on. Stay strong, there’s someone out there, and you will find them, if you keep searching and keep working on becoming the best person you can possibly become.
Ah ha now I get it.Yes that makes more sense to me.Thanks for that.
Yes it is difficult for even me to work out what to do as he does seem to switch between one thing and the other. I will leave things as they are for now.
I’m ok in myself and getting on with my own life as best I can.Its very difficult as there’s this horrid gut wrenching feeling inside a lot of the time. I wish I knew how this was going to end.
I worry alot about him as im never really sure what his state of mind is. I can only hope that if he gets desperate he will get in touch for help.
I will keep you posted.
Thanks again for your time.
Nikki.
There is only one way to know how it will end, and that is to decide to leave. Are you sure you really want to know how it will end? I only bring that up, because words have meaning. Be careful what you wish for, as you just might get it, right?
Slow is generally good, but too slow can be less than good. But so can too fast. You’ll have to thread that needle on your own, using your own best judgement. But be prepared to forgive yourself if you mess up every once in a while. You’re only human, right?
No I don’t want to know how it will end then! lol.
Ok too slow can be less than good but so can too fast.That makes sense but Im now becoming a bit concerned as its been nearly two weeks and theres been no word from him and no sighting of him anywhere in my neighbourhood (he lives nearby) despite my text messages to him. I guess what im asking is how do I know if im fighting a losing battle and not to be doing anything other than walking away and accepting what he’s said? That is the last thing I want to do believe me and I will do anything possible to be with him.I asked you if by all ive told you if you thought he still wanted to be with me and you said yes.What leads you to think this going on this silence from him? What have i got to go on? I don’t want to make a fool of myself and come across as desperate. I hope I have explained myself correctly? sometimes things are hard to put into words. I guess im looking for something to fight for!
My only reply is “why are you asking me?” There is one man who knows the answers. It sounds like you are at a crossroads. When you get to the fork in the road, take it! Let him know he’s sending mixed messages, and you need some kind of hint as to how he wishes to proceed. Let him know you are interested, but don’t give him an easy out. My fear is that if you say that you don’t know if you should wait or go on without him, guess what he’ll say?
As for his silence, he may be hoping to avoid you enough to drive you away. At least if my presumptions are correct. My guess is that he still wants you, but is scared to death of being hurt. Easier to scare (or drive) you away than to face the prospect of being hurt again. It’s a defensive mechanism, very effective, but not very wise, as it tends to lead to an inward spiral.
As for something worth fighting for, you will have to find it yourself. He may be ready, or he may not. I can’t see from here, you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.
Also, I find it refreshing that you’re having trouble putting it into words, as true emotions don’t lend themselves to easy explanations. Think of all the movies where the guy is tongue tied, and how cute it can be (if frustrating).
Why are you concerned about making a fool of yourself? If you truly feel that deeply for him, wouldn’t you do that for him? Perhaps I’m the one confused now…
Sort of! Are you saying they are like two people? In this case like a Jeckyll and Hyde (which may I add my partner told me once that he was! but I never took him literally)
Ive sent him a two text messages suggesting we work at a pace in the relationship that will work for us and asked to meet to talk but to date no reply at all. Im not sure what I should do as I don’t want to push too hard and push him further away but equally I want to try to help him through this and move forwards together.
Last two times he’s come back is when ive forced a decision from him and said I cant do this anymore.
Please try to advise what you feel would be the appropriate route from here given his state of mind?
No, not like two separate people, but like how sometimes the front of a building has a different look than the side of the building. Same building, just a different look. Or how some people look one way at work, and a different way on the weekends. Same person, just different.
As for the proper route to take, only you know. I don’t know him well enough to help at this level of detail. I can work in broad strokes, but you’re doing detail work here. Slow and gentle are recommended, but as you have noticed, sometimes he will only respond to a more urgent push. Be careful, but also realize that you are important as well. You can’t live your life solely around him, at the expense of you.
I will have a read of Stockholm Syndrome. Thanks.
You must have so many people to reply to?
What are your views on this. My partner as you know is very physically and emotionally withdrawn but when he has a few drinks he becomes loving and more emotional. Do you believe peoples true feelings come out when drinking or is it nonsense? Ive asked him about this before and he says it gives him confidence.
As for your partner and alcohol, it isn’t uncommon for people who are very tightly wound, very much control freaks, or very concerned about their behavior to relax quite a bit when drinking. It helps them stress a little less, and it helps them better express themselves. It isn’t the solution, but it can certainly help them understand that they can get where they want to go, they just need to learn to relax without the drink. No idea how to do that, you will have to find that out on your own.
As for their ‘true’ feelings, no. I don’t think that is what is happening. What is happening is that they are less tightly controlled, and things that wouldn’t usually be said come out. It may be another side of them, but it isn’t any more the ‘real’ or ‘true’ them than the one who hasn’t been drinking. I hope that made sense.
continue, i seriously dont know what happen right now..is he started to dump me or im just the one who over react..everything just went well till we texted yesterday..i did reply him ‘yes, of course theres no us as you mentioned no us means no us’..of course i would rather to say this because this is kinda embarrassing knowing someone just wana be friends with you only but not for love i guess,it was the last sms from him, seriously i wanted to ask him what is going onwith him,what happen to him until he turn up like this, did i do a mistake or etc..but i scared to sms him now, i started to like him and cant deny it,he is way better than my neighbour, he did apreaciate my presence when we have dinner (he dont bother about his handphone), he cant take off his eyes on me, when we have a conversation his eyes on my eyes,we kissed alot, did laugh alot and many more,but we are in the different country and religion, we are in multinational company,i guess that was the reason maybe..sorry, FYI i dont have any bf since i was born,i know but this is true,i lack of experiences and knowledges about relationship, so would you give me some advise about this matter?i think based on what i see here, your good in giving an advises 🙂 looking forward to hear from you soon 🙂 please..im just torn dont know what to do..may god bless you!
That was a long series of comments. My first guess is that you might have talked about your neighbor too much. Other than that, there are the usual problems of dating someone within the same company, especially one who is higher ranking than you.
While I am not sure about how he feels, it might be prudent to wait a few more days and then text him. Ask to see him again, and that you miss him. See how he responds. In the mean time, consider how you can improve yourself. Not with the aim of getting him back, but with the aim of becoming a better, more mature person in the process.
The first love is always a great thing. Similarly, the first break-up is always the worst. As you become more experienced, things will be a little smoother, a little less traumatic. Stay strong.
continue,since i met this guy (office mate) i totally did get over my neighbour..i was so happy, but on the night we spent (3rd date) i think i did a mistake..maybe i did talk about my neighbour too much, but i dont think i did talk that much, well he sent me to my car coz we dint live together and that was the last time we met and the last kiss from him..the next day, we did chat through communicater in office..but i feel something went wrong, he dont seems excited while chatting with me, not sure due to busy schedule or etc..he is a busy guy (upper manager) i understand that, and yesterday i texted him and yes we chat this and that and i did ask him to meet up, but theres one text from him saying ‘i dont have time now, and i dont have have time to play a games’..i was like numb and reply him ‘i dont get it, what did you mean by games?is it about us?’..then he replied ‘sorry i dint really understand if there was an us, sorry we dont talk like there is an us? if there was an us dont you think we would talk more?’..last time we met, he did say that let see how things goes since i did tell him i am looking for serious relationship not just for sex..and i thought me and him are getting in relationship..the next text from him saying ‘ i dint know how to understand where u were coming from or where we were going?dont get me wrong i did enjoy the time we spent together, and i think you still in love with ur neighbour and did talk about him all the time..
hi,i just came by your blog and i feel i can share my current situation with you, i dated this guy (not sure whether thi is a date or just hang out) (he is in the same company as mine but with different location)..we met each other for three times due to different location, and i seriously had so much fun with him..he is a nice guy, not a flirty one thats what i like, he told me earlier that he had a 7 years of relationship but things doesnt go so well, so he is single untill now..the first time we date we went for dinner and movie, and the 2nd dated everything just went so well..and the 3rd dated he did kiss me and i seriously feel nervous but kinda like it..and i started to tell him about my love story since he keep asking me why i am still single like since born! and i told him, i had relationship with my neighbour, but we arent a couple..more or less i can say we just follow the flow and see how things goes..but the thing is me and my neighbour did act like we are couple, we did have sex, and i can say im like a his mistress..i have waited for him for almost 5 years since i was 20 now i am 25, waited for him to take me as his gf or even future wife..i was deeply in love with my neighbour but not anymore, this is a wake up call for me to MOVE ON!so i am moving on and enjoy life..while my neighbour is looking for me since i told him that i give up with this no-guarantee relationship..
Ive not heard of Stockholm Syndrome but i will look it up.
I had 18 months of councilling with my friend (but not art psychotherapy) when my previous relationship broke up.. I too had a lot of demons.Im a lot stronger now than ive ever been but its very hard to keep a clear head.
Ive sent him a text tonight. See how he responds to that.
I will keep you informed of the progress if you don’t mind?
What is the time difference between London and where you are? Its now 23.07 here.
Thank you once again for all your help.Youve been a tower of strength to me.
Goodnight.
I’m glad I have been able to provide some comfort.
I embedded a link to the Wikipedia entry for Stockholm Syndrome in the prior message.
As for time, I’m presently keeping west coast time (in the US) or (-7) time. I try to check my page at least once a day, but sometimes it can be a day or two before I get to it. Busy, busy, busy. Such is life.
Thank you again for your reply.
I will go with what you have suggested and be gentle how I say things. He wont talk to me face to face at the moment. Not after what he has said. He will go into hiding again now,so I will have to resort to a text message.
We both seem to find communication quite difficult when it comes to feelings and emotions. I guess this comes from our previous relationships.
You are right when you said about him making a bigger deal out of his guilt than he needs to. He always seems to blame hiself for everything and saying sorry. Hes so hard on hiself.
What I don’t understand it how he said how much he used to love his wife when she treated him so awful?
Do you think he still wants to be with me?
I’m not a psychiatrist, but my guess is that like many people in abusive relationships, they build their value and self worth around the abuse. Kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, I guess.
As for still wanting to be with you, I’d say yes, or he’d have dropped you like a stone. That isn’t much comfort, but as long as you go slowly, I think you stand a chance.
But don’t forget to keep working on yourself. The better off you are, the better you can help others. You mentioned having had prior relationships which were difficult. That might be a place for you to start working on yourself.
Ive just received a text from him this morn and it says ‘im sorry for always letting you down. I cant do a relationship’
Ive not replied yet.Please help?
Try to work with him as a friend, if you can handle it. It sounds like he may be close, if he’s communicating and not hiding. See if you can talk him into seeking professional help. Sorry things took a turn for the worse, but that’s how life goes sometimes. Only you know how much more you can take, but I would ask you to try to hold out long enough to get him moving on the path to recovery. He sounds like he’s pretty messed up.
Also let him know that, if it’s true, that it’s not that bad. You aren’t hurt all that bad by being ‘let down’ from time to time. That you still want a relationship, but it can be on his terms, and progress slowly. The point is he may be making a bigger deal out of his guilt over letting you down (not uncommon in abused people, a sense of unworthiness and failure) than is appropriate.
I’m lost where to reply now! ha ha.
Gosh that is so very interesting and makes total sense with his character.I feel a lot calmer having some understanding about this.
You know so much don’t you? im intrigued by the things you say.
Saturday eve he talked a bit about his wife. Some things he told me were shocking to me. She was very mentally and physically abusive towards him throughout their marriage.She was a drinker and when she was drunk she’d turn nasty and abuse him.She hit him many times and even broke his toe by stamping on it so hard with her stilettos. I have tears in my eyes picturing that as he is such a placid guy.He never once retaliated in all their years of marriage.He tried his best to restrain her.I am so opposite to her and much like him.Steer away from rows and am easy going.I try to accept people for what they are warts and all and hope people do the same with me.
I don’t know what kind of childhood he had.He was brought up in the catholic faith and witnessed his father repeatedly come home drunk and beat up on his mum.His mum had him in her 40s and he is one of 4 boys and the baby of the family.His brothers are all at least 8 years older than him.
He told me his parents never really encouraged him in life.so he made his own way.
Just out of interest what age would you say he was going on what I tell you?
By the way my friend is an Art Psychotherapist and I haven’t told her I write to you but when I went to her house last week she was reading ‘ The Examined Life! ‘ How weird is that?
Thank you so much for your wisdom.I always look back at the things you’ve said to me.
Knowledge comes from learning from my mistakes, and I’ve made a lot of them. I also went through a phase similar to what he is going through, and had similar behaviors. As for age, I’d guess in his mid 30’s, but it’s just a guess. From all you said he has been through, he may need a little professional help to come to grips with his past, and to get beyond it. It sounds like some aspects of it still haunt him.
That (your friend also reading this blog) is an interesting coincidence. The more the merrier! I’m not that sure what an Art Psychotherapist is, unless they deal strictly with people named Arthur Or is it for those with Arthurian complexes, the English version of a Napoleon complex? Or do they try to figure out what is going on inside people based on how they express themselves in paintings? Probably that last one, right? 8)
Glad that I’ve been able to steer you in the right direction, and that things seem to be looking up for you. Continue to be strong, and keep a light hand, he sounds fragile.
You sound like you’ve lived a lot of life? You also quite sound similar characters!
Yes Art psychotherapy is based around people expressing their selves through paintings.I don’t quite get how it works but apparently it does.
My partner is mid 40s as I am.
I also feel he needs some professional help but sadly he really is not the kind of guy that would consider that. Guess that’s a man thing!
Perhaps you could talk him into taking up painting… 8)
Hi. Can I still ask you an advice about this quote ?
Regards
Ever
Of course. I look forward to hearing from you, and I will provide what little advice I have. Read some of the other comments, and you’ll have a pretty good feel for what I’m likely to say. 8)
hi, i just came by your blog and i feel i can share my current situation with you, i dated this girl for 2years, i was an ass for some part of it, eventually we broke up, i thought it will be our normal fight and we’ll be back together, but, she met another man, i tried to get her back cause i love her very much, we met, talked about it. She said she doesn’t love the guy, but his nice to him, she cried when we were talking about this and we had a fun evening, so she said she needs some days to think about it and have to chose if to come back or stay with him, i’m scared i don’t have a chance in this and on the other hand i feel like a bad person to take her back from this caring guy. Please help with your thought.
It sounds like she still has feelings for you, which is to your advantage. However, your past isn’t.
I would take a little time to consider what you did, and more importantly, why you did it. How can you change yourself so that you are no longer that person? What would you have to believe to do it again, and what would you have to believe to never do it again?
Also consider how can you become just as good and caring as he is. You can change yourself, right? Start now, and work on becoming a better person, a better you. Not so that she likes you, but so that you are a better person. We all have room to grow, things which need to be improved. What are they, and how will you improve yourself?
You will still have a better place to start from as you begin the next stage of your life, whether she comes back or not. Does that make sense?
Hi, I was seeking some input on my situation. I met who I believe to be the man of my life exactly a year ago. We had a huge conection and started a serious relationship soon after. A couple of months later he started becoming distant, until he finally broke up with me. I was so shocked and sad because everything had seemed perfect. From then on we’ve tried to be friends, but have only ended in this on again off again type roller coaster. He says he loves me, but is not ready for me. So about 3 weeks ago I just let go and 2 weeks later he contacted me. I kept convos casual and short, but he just kept contacting me casually as well that week. Neither of us were saying much, it was awkward and just seemed like we were playing pretend. Then on Monday I sent him an email explaining how I didn’t know what he was conacting me for, but that I was over our situation. I told him I loved him, but that I couldn’t take it anymore and that if after a year he is still unsure of me it can only mean that he doesn’t think I’m the one or that I’m not worth taking seriously in his eyes. I asked him to please not contact me again. Also, yesterday was his bday and I didn’t even wish him a happy bday, I’m sure he expected me to make the exception of NC, but I didn’t. For the first time I seriously feel it’s time to let go, no exceptions, not even bday wishes, at least not so soon haha. Now, my question would be, does this apply as letting go? I obviously would hope he takes time to grow and maybe realize he misses me, or decide to come back. If that were the case, the fact that I told him not to contact me is irrelevant, right? I’m still the one letting go even if I “ended” our contact…right? Hehe Thanks 🙂
To me, who ended it, who let go, isn’t the important part. The point is he is free and has the time and space necessary to figure out what he wants, what he needs, what he desires.
If that ends up being you, he will be back. If not, you have escaped many more months, or even years, on the roller coaster.
The other thing to consider is what will you do with your time while you are waiting? Sitting by the phone, waiting for a call is probably not the best use of your time. I would recommend spending some of the time working to improve yourself. Become the best possible person you can be at the moment. Not to better attract him, but to improve yourself and your life.
Stay strong. Things will work themselves out. The future might include him, and it might not. But there will still be a future either way. How will you prepare for it?
Thank you! 🙂
My parents searched a beautiful girl for me for marriage. Accordingly I saw the girl & got ready to marry with that girl. Our engagement ceremony took place on last year in the month of June in traditional Indian way. After that we were in contact with each other on mobile for one year. Meanwhile we created a very strong relationship with each other while taking with each other on mobile. So many times I expressed my feelings to meet her on her college, but she refused it each time stating her family members will not allowed her to meet in such way. In her college she has having a friend (male candidate) with whom she shares everything. She also told me that she is having a very good friend from her school days. She used to call him her BEST FRIEND. I always got suspicious about their relationship. One day angrily I asked her whether she is in love with that boy (best friend). She said : -“no, I am not in love with him. He is like my brother. You can ask anybody about our relationship in college” I accepted the thing but took a promise from her that she should be maintain a distance or better be away from that boy since she got engaged with me. She promised me. But after some days I came to know that she was still having a very good friendship with that boy. So I told my parents that I will not marry with that girl since she had not stop talking with that boy. After that I shouted on her angrily on mobile & told her that I will not marry her. Due to this she fainted & got hospitalized.During this period when she was in Hospital my parents were in touch with her parents on mobile asking her health. But I never talked with any of the member of their family. But
after three weeks I realized my mistake & being in love with her I was ready to marry her. I said sorry to her & her parents & brothers. But that girl refused to forgive me & now was not ready to marry me. So many times I said sorry to her but she is not ready to marry me. I love her so much, but she is not ready to accept me. Then what should I do? Should I think that the girl was not in love with me? Because she is not ready to accept me. Pls suggest.
We cannot force others to accept us or to love us. We can only invite them to do so. Unfortunately, it sounds like you made her feel unwelcome, and she will have to heal before anything can happen.
It sounds like the situation may not be saved, and it may be a total loss. While you wait to see if she will come back, what will you do? My recommendation is to work on becoming a better person. Some things which stood out in your comment include jealousy issues as well as anger issues. That is where I would start.
Stay strong, and no matter how this situation works out, work hard at becoming a better person, and learning from what happened.
Hi i need your help. I was in a relationship for 4 years and we broke up couple of times but we ended up getting back together, but yesterday it was real one. He has a family, a gf and 2 kids. They are not married cause the girl is married to another man, that’s what he said and dont want to marry her, as a woman and being in a relationship for 4 years i expect something. But he cannot give it to me cause he said he cannot leave his kids. I always got jealous about his gf as they sleep together. I got so crazy about the situation, i want him so bad, we only see each other once a month and we always make it worth the wait, we are always happy when were together, i told him that we better end it up he said he doesnt want cause he loves me, he cried and telling me that he really love me. I met his brother which is a bestfriend of his gf, and i met his closest friends. I dont want him out of my life but my head is driving me crazy and almost complaining to him everyday, What should i do? Do i really have to move on? I love him and i dont think i can live without him, dont even know where to start. Thank you, hope you response.
To me, the first question should be “What about this situation can I change?” Can you change him? Can you change her? Can you change anyone besides yourself?
From what you wrote, I believe that he has made it abundantly clear that he is not leaving her. It is up to you to decide if once a month is enough, or if you deserve better. Once you make that decision, I believe your path will be a bit less cloudy.
Either way, I believe we all need to grow and improve. What about yourself can you change to help you be a better person? What can you work on to be stronger, smarter, and better equipped to handle whatever life may send your way?
While you are improving yourself, life will work itself out. If you stand, paralyzed, for life to work itself out, it still will, but you will have gained nothing in the process.
That probably wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear, but it is my best advice. You have a lot of thinking to do, and some tough decisions to make. Stay strong. You are worth it!
Hi thank you for the response. He is now having problem of finding work, and if he couldn’t find work til next month he needs to pack his things and move back to his country. I’m Filipina and he is finnish. I asked him if he move back there, is it really the end of our story, he said no. He asked me to give him a little time to find work and if i keep on interfering him, he will pack his stuff. What’s wrong with me is i can’t last a day without talking to him and its always end up fighting which is bad. I don’t even remember when we had a nice conversation. There was this time, i guess like 3 weeks ago, i didn’t contacted him for a week, i let him do his stuff and me do mine. I had skin rashes and he got really worried, he keeps on calling and asking if how i’m doing and if i’m feeling better already. He asked me to go to the doctor to have check up which i did. Now last night we talked, he said if we cant have a proper conversation, and always fight, we don’t need to talk anymore. He said he don’t want me when i’m like this, he don’t want to see me when i’m like this and absolutely not want to talk to me when i’m like this. Is it bad that i always remind him how hurt i am that we couldn’t be together? So apparently, he dumped me and doesn’t want to hear anything from me, he cried and he said he loves me but he cannot take it anymore. He said he would contact me when he wants to talk to me, he will let me know. Better give him space eh? This is gonna be so hard for me, but i think that’s the best thing i can do. I don’t want to put aside all the precious memories we had, and if i’m only gonna work on changing myself so hard, i guess we’re gonna be able to start again you think? I really love him, he was my first foreigner boyfriend and lasted for years. I really want him back, so bad. He said i should always smile cause i have a wonderful smile( hehe) and he fell inlove with my personality. What should i do?
And sorry for my english, guess not good enough to explain it more 😀
Start with something I want you to always remember – the good times. No matter what the outcome, he has been part of your life, and there were good times. I agree: “I don’t want to put aside all the precious memories we had” and I don’t want you to either, no matter what happens.
That said, it appears you have been given some time to work on your future. He says you have a good smile and a wonderful personality, so that’s a good foundation. What are some of the things you’ve wanted to do, but hadn’t had time for? What parts of you are you least pleased with, or you feel need some improvement? Those might be things in which to invest some time, right?
Stay strong, as falling apart won’t help anything, right? Your thoughts will drift to him from time to time, and that’s normal. Just don’t stay there and do nothing besides think of him. Smile, and then move on to the next thing you need to get done.
Time alone will tell. What will you do while you wait?
Hello. Not sure what is going on here. But she wont talk to me, basically has dropped all communication, except not deleting me on Facebook. We have been dating for 5 months. Took off like a rocket early. We have such great potential, and she sees that, and does like me. But I let my ex come back into the picture a couple months in and I was not fully there for her. She knew something was off … we had a couple disagreements that lingured, I made a dumb comment, but we still talked and hung out….. then after a long lul…. we talked about what was up and about ending things as I was not all there. I said ok, prob for best but its not what I wanted…. then she insisted on being friends, and very soon she asked me on a date and to work on things. And we both agreed to. Well, this time I was pretty involved and ready to give this a real shot. She started being distant eventually despite lovely days together and me putting forth the right effort. Before our most recent scheduled date I asked her what was up and she admitted she was nervous things were going to be like they were before and I was reading things properly and that she was being distant. We talked about her doing more, and us being on the same page (not sure if I was in position to ask that of her) In short, I kind of blew her off that night after I felt like I was being blown off (I had planned this date all week, and she sent me a text at like 8 pm in prime date time after I told her to call me after she gets some rest.) So now she will not return my calls or attempts. I have not been needy or desperate, but just letting her know I care and I she can talk to me about anything. Dropped off coffee at work, and sent a funny/cheezy poem on Mothers day. Nothing. I do like this girl, and I know we can still tap into that potential if given a chance. Guess its time to move on and see if she just needed space? Any recommendation here? I am wondering if this is a case of showing her how much I care (that was absent to an extent), and that I have learned somethings and I am ready to change for the better and ready to do what is right. This has indeed made me realize what I could have had.
Love the blog. Thanks!
Thanks for the kind words.
Well, it sounds like you dug yourself a hole, doesn’t it? And that’s not a good thing. If you think you are still interested, have you considered starting over at the beginning? What was it that got you two started in the first place? Is it worth starting over again? Or are you willing to just be friends?
What can you do to heal the wounds that it appears you caused? What can you do to fill in the hole and get back on your feet? Obviously a cheezy poem wasn’t enough. What next?
One other option is to be completely honest and open. Let her know that you understand you blew it, let her know that you still want to make it work. Ask her what you need to do to get things back again. Then decide if it’s worth the effort, and plan accordingly.
I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong, and mind your own course. You can’t live your life to please someone else.
Many thanks for the reply. All great questions. Thats the thing… not sure what to do next. We met online… went on a few dates and she was super into me, and we had a blast dating. It was a couple months in that I let my ex get into my head and I started to deviate from where we were headed. That and I do have a protective wall around my heart that sometimes I find faults in others when I know I shouldnt be. This has really opened up my eyes and I have learned some valuable things about myself. I do really like this girl and I do really want to work things out. We had such an amazing day together with her daughter just two weeks ago at the amusment park,etc… and I know she felt that too. The problem is she now has basically blacklisted me and hasnt responded to anything. Maybe its too soon? Maybe I need to continue to touch her with pressure free contact.
I dont know what my next move is… but I am fighting a mental battle in regards to the line between coming off as needy vs. doing what I feel is right as a man to win her back and show her she can trust in me.
Thinking of maybe writing a letter to her like you suggested. I worry that I will simply never hear back from her no matter what I send and that is the worst thought of em all. Some say to just buck up and move on and she will find me if she wants to and no contact is the only way and if I send anything it will only push her further away.
Is this a standard no contact scenario in your opinion? Or is she needing to see more from me you think?
Certainly a pickle I am in! lol
Thank you again for your time as it is valuable.
It sounds like you still have some work to do on yourself. That’s where I’d put most of my time and energy.
As for what she wants, I got no clue! 8) If you have any mutual friends, you can try to find out through them, but you may just have to guess.
I believe things work out for their own purposes, and that you will learn much from this series of events. Whatever happens, try to remember that much, OK?
Hi, I am hispanic so forgive my lack of precision in my ortography. I was searching the meaning of this phrase and I came across your interpretation. Actually I am having a hard time with the person I love. We used to be together and he break up with me, a month went by and I insisted until we kind of try it again. He said that he still love me but we needed like a fresh start. I was in complete agreement with him. But suddenly he started doubting, one week he loves me, the other he is not sure and I decided to stay for a while but if he is not even sure if he loves me it is too painful for me to stay. The thing is that…it took me a lot of strenght but I have decided that the best thing is to let him go. I love him with all my heart but I deserve someone that loves me too, that fights for me, that wants to make me happy. He used to use that bible phrase to describe our love, the one that you used…and if everything was true I hope he comes back. SOOOO ahahah I want to thank you because your analisis of this phase helped me a lot. Blessings for you and your wife.
That is one of my favorite things about this blog; the number of different countries and languages that it gets to. I’m glad you found it and I’m glad it was helpful to you. Thanks for the kind words and for keeping my wife and I in your thoughts.
Stay strong, and keep on working to improve yourself, because you deserve to be the best person you can possibly become. There is someone out there for you. Perhaps they will wise up, or perhaps it will be someone else. Time alone will tell.
I just want to say too that this was not an easy decision at all to make. Yesterday when we came to the decision to break up, both of us cuddled and cried on my couch together, and we kept kissing and telling each other how much we love each other. It was quite sad, but our choices were to either hang on until he becomes ready…which we have no idea when that would be and we’ve been doing this for a year now, or to break up and hope he feels ready and comes back to me before it’s too late if I move on…or I guess he could too, but we don’t want to at all. We kept telling each other that we didn’t want to break up and it’s all because he can’t yet permanently feel totally fine with getting married. It’s ridiculous and really stinks. I hope he makes his way back to me knowing for sure that he is ready and I’m still the one. I hope I still want to marry him at that point as well. It feels like we are completely meant for each other, flaws and all. I guess time will tell. Wish us the best.
I shall, and time will tell. Stay strong.
Right now, I’m going through this. I believe in the quote above that if he loves me and is ready to marry, he will come back. My now ex-fiance and I have been dating 7 years now (1 year on and off engagement), and he has struggled with feeling ready to marry. He wants to marry me because he thinks I’m the one (and I feel he’s the one for me), but he doesn’t feel totally ready to take on the responsibility and closeness – he thinks it’s a timeline issue. I’m ready to marry now, and he isn’t yet. In this process, we had two no contact breaks, and he came back each time because he loves me. He is 26, a year younger than me, and has only been in his job right out of college for a year. He feels he hasn’t experienced much life on his own yet, while I have lived alone now 4 years after graduating from college. We both love each other very much and yesterday, we decided to let each other go and break up for now. I don’t think he can ever settle down if he doesn’t experience crappy situations and reality. Everything just happens too easily for him without hard work or struggle…except this. His parents told me he tends to learn things the hard way. It has been painful and an emotional roller-coaster. I think breaking up for now will be the best thing for us. He knows he is free to come back when he is ready to seek my love, but that I may or may not choose to rekindle our engagement, especially if I am in another relationship (which would be difficult for me to even attempt for a while). He knows that coming back means he has to be completely comfortable to move in together and marry soon after he returns. Yes, it is scary, but I think it’s our only chance of success. We can’t keep holding on as he’s going back and forth. I just hope it all works out in the end.
That decision takes a great deal of strength and courage. From what you said, it sounds like it was something which had to be done. Sometimes it takes a kick in the head to clear out the cobwebs and get you thinking straight again.
There isn’t much for me to say, you said it all so eloquently. I will keep you in my thoughts as you work your way through this rough time in your life.
hello
I read your blog and found your replies very wise and thoughtful. I’am also in a mess here so i thought i could write here and relieve some of my worries and at the same time get some thoughtful response.
I am in a relationship for the past four years. we also live together and work in the same office. I have been bit clingy and have not given him enough space and our lives have been limited to each other in the past. we love each other very much. he also says that he loves me and wants to marry me in few years. He has introduced our relationship to his friends and family and two months ago i didn’t have any doubt in our relationship.
two months ago he became very friendly with another girl, and i did not objects as there was nothing to object to. with time he has only become very close to her to the extent that they meet every day. as a result he does not spend any time with me even though we live in the same house. when i ask him he says that he really loves me but right now he has to give his attention entirely to the new girl. he has also said that she is in love with him and his main goal is to help her gently realize that she can be fine without him. i know he cares for her but i feel he is becoming obsessed with her and he can not see the rift that is developing in our relationship. i have tried to reason out with him numerous time but he wont see the problem or accept it. all our conversation goes on to become muddled talks and complains. what do i do?
I’m kind of old-fashioned about this kind of situation. If you can handle it, more power to you. But I would put my foot down. I believe he has to choose. If you are more afraid of losing him than you are of sharing him, or perhaps sharing and then losing him anyway, then there is little to do but wait. Otherwise, I would recommend you fight for what is yours.
Basically you have to either live with it, or make a change. What you are willing to do, how hard you are willing to push to help him understand is something only you can answer. It doesn’t have to be instant, but you might consider giving him a deadline. Let him know he has (as an example) two weeks to finish letting her down and getting back to you.
If he is unwilling to make that much effort, I think you have a new understanding of what you mean to him, don’t you? In any case, stay strong, and keep working to be a better you. Not so you can keep his attention, but because you deserve to be the best possible person you can be. And keep smiling. He’ll wonder what you’re up to. 8)
I don’t know if that’s was a sufficiently thoughtful response, but that’s what I have for you today.
Thank you for your response. I had given him a kind of deadline for one weak and he had understood that he needed to let go within that time. I left after that thinking putting distance would make him realize the urgency. I just spoke to him yesterday and he is still emotionally in a turmoil trying to help her. he does not like it when i bring up the topic but once in a while he does share how difficult his task is where he is trying to help her fall out of love with him. he asks what he can do. i tell him that she to needs space to breathe if she wants to move on. but he does not approve of anyone’s way. he did say that he loves me very much but i should be prepared to be happy without him. i know that he will not officially be in a romantic relationship with her but i think this relationship is making his “task” more difficult.
i think more than helping her fall out of love he himself is torn between trying to fall in love with her and not wanting to fall out of love.
It sounds like he isn’t sure what is going on in his life. I imagine it’s even more difficult for you to try to figure out what to do. All I can recommend is to stay strong, and let him know he has a choice to make. How can you move forward in your life with him when you have evidence that he is easily swayed by a stray kitten?
As painful as it may be, if he cannot let her go, it is better to move on now rather than investing months or even years in the relationship and then finding this weakness after it’s too late.
thank you for your response just that it is so difficult and painful. It was a relationship of four years and those were days when we were each others strength.
Yes I definitely will and thank you so much.Fingers crossed it works out!!
Thank you for your reply.Sadly he has no friends that are close enough to even talk it over with.Im probably the closest person to him except the sick family member whom I have not met.
I think I will do as you suggest and move slowly as I myself feel a bit fragile since the weekend.Im so scared of getting more involved only to be hurt and left alone.
One thing I really don’t understand and you may be able to throw some light on being as you are male.Why would he always choose to let me down and not even tell me when he knows how upset that makes me? Isnt it bad mannered to not even send me a short tx to say sorry I cant make our date after all? I know hes not a nasty person in any way I really cant understand this? Whats your view on this?
Sad to hear he has so small of a support network. It also seems appropriate, given what you mentioned earlier.
Which brings me to your question. The simple answer is fear. He is afraid of letting you down, so instead, he runs away. It is a defensive mechanism, often learned early in life, and as long as it works, it will continue to be used. Even though things get worse by delaying and avoiding, so long as they don’t have to deal with it right now, it’s better. Tomorrow, things may be different. It’s not a very good method, but it is one way to deal with stress and problems you don’t want to have to face. I can’t guarantee that is what is going on, but it seems to fit with the rest of what you have described that you are dealing with.
It may not be very reassuring, but I hope that helps a little.
Ol ok I understand now. The business with his ex was created before I knew him though.So the mess was already there.
I think my fear is if he really feels he cant commit properly and bolts for good I will be left heartbroken once again and I don’t know how I can protect myself from that. Its a very difficult situation all round but I take on board all you’ve said and I really believe he is a genuine guy and worth hanging on to. I know there are no guarantees in any relationship.
I don’t tend to ask too many questions as I can feel its uncomfortable for him but its not as bad as it used to be.
I will keep you updated. I hope you don’t mind me writing to you. Your so easy to communicate with and also a complete outsider which is nice.
I’m sure you’ve helped so many people with your knowledge and experience.
Many big thanks.
Well, I’m glad that things are going better for you. Just remember to keep working on you, and helping him only when he is willing to be helped. Stay strong, and keep smiling.
Hello Philosiblog. How are you?
Im back again.Im so confused.Everything was going well.Weve had some lovely times since I last contacted you.Weve even started spending more time together.He’s been lovely.
Then last week I felt things were going weird again.He avoided my calls and texts for two days.When he finally contacted me I asked what was wrong and he said ‘nothing’
We went out yesterday and had a lovely time.When he left he said do you want to go out tomorrow? meaning today.I said yes and we planned to meet around 2ish.He said he’d call me.Well he never did and his phone has been switched off all day.Its 7pm now.Im so upset and don’t know how much more of this i can take as it hurts!
When he does these things I just don’t understand why he doesn’t get a message to me to say he cant make it etc,but he does the same thing,just disappears and avoids me.Its been the best day of the year here in England weather wise.Really sunny and hot.I see people out and about doing things together and were like this! It really upsets me.What should I do? What should I say to him?
I’m fine, but sounds like you are a bit of a mess. It sounds like he’s trying to be ‘normal’ and treat you well, but that he still has issues which are not yet completely resolved.
It’s up to you, but it sounds like he’s not ready just yet. How much space can you give him, how can you adapt to let him lead at a pace he is comfortable? This might not be something that will resolve itself quickly. How long are you willing to wait? How much of this can you tolerate?
However, from your prior comments, I believe if you lay it out like that to him, he will cut you out, and say it’s for your own good. Tread lightly. But the problem seems to be him, and his state of mind. Until he gets is house in order, things will continue to be rocky.
My advice is to take things as slowly as you can, and work with whatever other friends he has to help him feel more comfortable about working on himself. Stay strong, and be willing to brave some rough weather.
If this is the case why does he worry so much about the pain we both suffered through our ex’s behaviour? That seems to be a big issue to him. I thought he meant that the whole thought of getting involved with anyone at the risk of it breaking up was to great for him to receive or give. Does that make sense?
My guess is that he feels he is to blame for getting you involved in the mess of his ex. My guess is that he believes he should have (somehow) protected you or shielded you from that experience. That you only suffered because he wasn’t able to properly protect you.
As for your question, it may be the case that he is still fragile, and reluctant to become involved because of his own state of mind. The only person who really has a clue is him, and even then, he might not realize what or why he is doing some of these things. When it comes to deep emotional hurt, logic is not often invited.
Be strong and keep working on it. Try to be sensitive to when your questions and probing become too much. You don’t want to drive him deeper into his shell, right?
Okay so what your saying is its not the involvement with me that scares him but any crisis that may arise that he finds difficult to deal with he will push me away to protect me from his own self and how he reacts to the crisis? Have I explained it right?
That is part of the issue. He seems pretty self-less. That can come about from a great deal of confidence, or a great lack of it. From what you described, my guess would be the latter.
The more involved he is with you, the more difficult it would become to protect you from anything that happened to him. It’s a different way to look at things, but I’ve been there before, as have friends of mine.
Hello again. Um well the good news is his job is safe! so a great relief and as you rightly said he should de stress a little and he has. He called me up sat morning and invited me out for the day.Of course I accepted and we had the loveliest time as usual. We both had a fair bit to drink and only then did he feel comfortably to talk. He told me he really really likes me a lot and then he became quite emotional and grabbed hold of me really tight He had tears in his eyes.I was shocked as he normally finds it very difficult to show his feelings. He said he was just very scared because of what we had both experienced in our last relationship and he wouldn’t ever want anyone to go through that.I said to him lets just see how things go and i’ll move at your pace.He said you don’t understand and went on to say im better off without him and meeting someone else who can give me what I need and deserve. I said I don’t want anyone else.He kept saying his head felt all messed up.Anyway I stayed the night at his house and things have been fine since.Im still not sure what I should be doing but I feel some progress has been made. My fear is he will do this backing off thing again and not come back next time. What is your view on this now? I feel we are so happy when together but it seems to scare him.Does this fear of getting to involved seems like the root cause to you?
Men are strange creatures and very difficult to predict. However, I believe that the path you are on is your best shot. There are no guarantees, but you can try to stack the deck in your favor. I imagine the biggest thing you did, from his point of view, was be there for him, even though he didn’t feel worthy. His self-esteem sounds a bit shaken, so handle him gently. Helping him build his esteem should help your cause.
As for root cause, pain seems to be that. Both the fear of receiving it, and of giving it to you. At least it appears from what you have related that he is as concerned, or perhaps more concerned with hurting you or causing you pain than with his own circumstances. The chance of getting tangled up with you isn’t the source of pain, but the entanglement means that if he goes through a tough spot (like losing a job, as an example), he can’t shield you from the fallout.
With that in mind, I would recommend you keep a broader eye out for what could cause trouble. I think you’re over this rough spot, but life is full of them. Work on making him feel worthy of you, and things should become more solid. There is still a chance that it might not work out, but I believe it is your best chance at improving both your lives.
Thank you. I’ve taken all your comments on board and will let you know the next chapter!
Why are relationships so hard!!!
If they were easy, we would give them no value. That’s why guys remember the kisses they had to work for. The others, not so much.
Besides, you’ll get a great story out of this either way. Stay strong and keep on smiling.
Ps I didn’t meet him today as I really could not face him.Im too upset and unsure what to say.
Just be careful about what he might think about a broken ‘date’ and how that might impact his decision making process. Make sure you let him know, in advance if possible, that you had something else come up and reschedule for a fixed time in the future.
“Let’s get together sometime next week” sounds like you’re trying to drift away…
Hello again.I spoke to my partner and he said he was sorry for what he had put me through but he doesn’t feel he’s able to commit to any relationship as he just doesn’t feel settled.His words hit me hard but I realise it took him a lot of courage to meet and say this.He said hes not proud of how he’s handled things.Avoiding me etc but its because he cares and doesn’t want to hurt me and having this conversation is the last thing he wanted.He said you want more and he cant give it.He even started talking about packing up and moving away! I said are you telling me its over and he said no.Then I was confused.He left me by saying he wouldn’t hide away anymore and would meet me for a while today! He looked very upset and everything he said was very confusing.Please advise me what to do? I told him how I feel and I don’t want to lose him and he went quiet.He kissed me and walked away and I just felt this is not what he wants but he seems very damaged and scared to get too serious still as well as all the other problems with his job (which may I add looks possible he may keep!).I asked him if it was because he felt things were getting too serious and he said yes.Obviously theres a lot more to this story than I can write but that is the basic gist. As I said before he is a bit of a loner and if he took off he would be completely alone.Im terrified hes going to disappear.What do I do??
It sounds like things are a little too intense for either of you to handle well. It might be better to limit the face-to-face, but keep in touch with notes, texts, e-mail, or phone calls.
Once his job situation is better known, he should de-stress a little. It sounds like both of you have a pretty good understanding of where the other is coming from, and what the other is trying to do. However, the crux of the problem seems to be that they are not the same.
My concern is that the harder you push, the more you might cause him to back away. That’s a fine line, and one I cannot see from this great distance. You will have to figure out what is the proper amount of contact he can handle. Also include what you can handle in the equation. If you stop by to see him and you are frantic, it’s not going to help his situation, right?
There is no quick or easy solution. You will have to help him as best you can, but he has to come to grips with what is happening. When he is ready, you will know. Until then, be careful. It sounds like he has strong feelings for you.
Stay strong, and be gentle. Easier said than done, but I believe you can do it, based on your comments.
Thank you so much for your sound advice. Your comments to others inspired me to write to you. You must have a lot of knowledge or first hand experience with affairs of the heart. I will keep you updated on my progress. Was nice talking to you. I’m from the Uk. I’m guessing your in the states?
All the best Philosiblog.
Yes, and yes. Lots of experience & living in the USA. Managed a 2 week holiday to UK, visiting London, Wales, Ireland, N.Ireland and Scotland.
Paternal line goes back to Saxon England, just East of Plymouth, pre-Norman era. Came to the States in early 1600’s.
Im guessing you are male?
Thank you so much for your input.I think you are right in what you have said and I will try to help him understand where im coming from. He is very difficult to communicate with as he still has a lot of emotional barriers up since his marriage break up. He is a very kind honest man but also very quiet. He doesn’t have or want a large circle of friends or social life. I think he is possibly a bit of a loner and finds it difficult to attach hiself to anyone, so he is a tough cookie to crack but 18 months must say something right?
I was going ask him if he would like to move in with me so it will help him out of his situation with work and his house but I know he is very independent also. Its just I guess if I offer I will feel ive done my best.Do you think this is a good or bad idea being as we have been taking the relationship slowly because of our previous break ups and the hurt we went through? He is very afraid of being hurt again.
Many thanks again.
Yes, I am male. Also a loner and not fond of crowds.
It sounds like you’ve made some progress with him over the past year and a half. My recommendation would be to be honest with him, and let him know what you would like to do to help him and your relationship.
My guess is subtle doesn’t work well with him, and that he would resent any feelings that you are trying to manipulate him or act behind the scenes. To that end, be as transparent as you can, and help him understand what you are trying to accomplish.
If that’s not the case, I still recommend the same path, as I have found that being honest and forthright are the best things in a relationship.
Stay strong, these are all passing phases, waves on the sea of life. Eventually they will pass.
Ive been with my partner 18 months.Its not been an easy relationship as a lot of baggage from our previous relationships had to be sorted out.Mine was but my partner is still in a messy situation.His wife left him for another man two years ago and he was devastated. We met shortly after. Our relationship was rocky as he was still in some confusion about his wife but we seemed to get along well and had nice times and seemed to form some kind of bond. He broke up with me after 6 months saying he felt he needed to sort his head out in order to make things right between us and didn’t want to be messing me about. (which he had been doing.breaking dates and avoiding me etc) I gave him his space and a few months later he returned saying he was sure it was me he wanted.All was good from there on for 6 months.Then recently he had an accumulation of problems one being a sick family member.another risk of being made redundant from his job this month.His home is also going to be at risk if he losses his job amongst other worries. he has gone off again saying the same thing. Hes all messed up and doesnt want me to be caught up in his mess as he feels he will be letting me down again by breaking dates and avoiding me etc. Im so upset that this has happened again as I thought our relationship was now a lot stronger and we had been happy.I don’t know what to do as I am concerned he is not coping and maybe feels somewhat depressed.I know I cant force myself on him and I haven’t but I want to feel ive done all I can before step back.Have you any suggestions? I guess im feeling if its meant to be it will be and leave him be again.on the other hand I am really worried about him.All ive said so far is I care about him and want to support him as a partner would and im here for him,but hes very proud and seems to feel my offer of support leaves him feeling like a bit if a lost cause. Help!
The good news is you seem to have found a fairly honest and forthright guy. He’s trying to be noble and protect you from the mess that appears to be headed his way. Right or wrong, that’s most likely what is going through his head, and he probably figures he’s doing you a favor by keeping you away from him when he is at his worst.
Yep, it may be hard, but you’re going to have to break through his armor and help him understand that you want to be his partner, and that means in both the good as well as the bad. Help him understand you’re doing this as his partner, not as an act of charity. Friends help each-other, and you’re there to try to help him.
Stay strong. It sounds like he’ll be back as soon as he has things sorted out, if you can wait that long.
Talking things out might get you the results you’re hoping for, but it might not. It all depends on how well he responds to your discussion with him. It’s not going to be an easy run, but if you care for him, that is the path I would recommend you try.
To me this quote is so simple, so basic, and yet so profound.
I had this situation. I made a choice to be in the military in a job that could keep me away 3-4 years -no return home. It was during a time the US might be going to war. I felt obliged to do the job I had been asked to do. I left the person I loved for some one else, Uncle Sam. When I signed up, I was not completely sure what I had gotten into. It seemed only fair to give them space and time. How do you ask some one to wait 3-4 years? We were young, still in college. I did love this person more than anything. After the 4 years, we had gone geographically very far from one another. Their life now is well and good. My life has become what I hoped. We live very similar lives now, but with different people.
Life can be that way. It sounds like you still have a warm place in your heart for them, and I like that. It also appears that you have moved on, as have they. I’m sure you will stay strong and continue to work on becoming the best person you can become. In that, you will attract the kind of people who want to be around that kind of quality. I imagine your life will be full in due course.
I’m glad you have come to grips with what has happened in your life, and I wish you all the best.
Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your story with us.
After explaining to the boyfriend of three months that I was feeling insecure, because of the comments he was making, he told me he wasn’t willing to stop making those comments. I was so hurt, that I texted, “So, you see nothing wrong with those comments? What if I were to joke that way?” He texted back, “I can already see the resentment. This is bad for me. I’m ending this relationship.”
A little more than a month has passed, and I’m beginning to see that it would have been better for me to have broken it off with him a long time ago. I realize now that I’m worth much more than to be treated that way. I have to love myself enough to not allow a man to disrespect me. I still have feelings for him, but I know it’s best to let him go. I know he won’t ever come back, and I’ve learned to accept that. How do I know? I just feel it. Every other ex-boyfriend who dumped me in the past, later regretted it and tried to talk to me again after seeing that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. I’ve never accepted any of them back, because I noticed that they are still completely the same people. Nothing’s changed. Then, I feel relief, for having been dumped by them. I thank them for it, from the bottom of my heart.
I guess, all that is left for me to do now is learn to love myself again after feeling like I made such a mistake for falling for the same kind of guys (just different faces). It all has come down to the fear of loneliness, but now I feel more attracted to the idea of not being with someone. Perhaps, someday, there will be a right guy for me, or maybe not. In the end, I just want the eulogy given on the day of my funeral to say that I lived the later years of my life in happiness.
Wow! That is so beautiful. Sometimes you have to go through a lot of frogs to find your Prince. I am glad you have learned from your experiences, and even more glad that you have taken them to heart.
Indeed, there are worse things to be said over you than they “lived the later years of life in happiness.”
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I am so glad you stopped by.
I’m with my gf for more than 3 yrs now. During the 2nd yr I went oversea for 3mths, and she cheated on me n started a rs with others. After I’m back and found out myself. I called for a break up. About 2weeks after that, somehow we can’t get over each other n be back together. I forgive her, but can’t seem to forget wht happened. Last yr she started hang out with a bunch of new friends n got tempted by others. And our rs ends again. We broke up for 3mths and she had a new rs. After a short while she dumps the guy n returned back to me. I accepted her back, as I
loved her a lot. She said, she with that guy for 1week only, and don’t do anything..not even kiss. But recently I found out, my gf lied. They even have sex b4. Seriously I don’t know wht to do, as I love her very much..but I seem can’t get over it and I totally can’t put any trust on her. Does the quotes works on my situation? Or is it she is just taking me for granted? Pls help.
This relationship isn’t really the subject of this quote. What you appear to have is a yo-yo. They go over there for a while, then come back. Then off again, somewhere else, then they come back. If you think it’s worth it, the two of you seem to have the pattern down.
Personally, that’s not my style. Especially not the lying part. But to each their own. I would sit down, by myself, and ask the tough questions. What happens if you get married? What happens if she gets pregnant? Would you even know who the father is? You have to know the answers to these questions and be willing to commit to them for the rest of your life.
As for getting over her, you will. It may take some time, but you will. The relationship looks like a lot of pain. Chose wisely. Take your time, and then make a decision. And stick with it.
Thanks for ur reply 🙂
One of the reason she cheated might be pressure from the society. Sometimes she would prefer to have a normal rs, but she loves me that’s y came back. This is what she told me. This time she returned, I can see changes in her. But I’m not sure if I should give her a last chance. I always have the feel, she will be the last one for me.
You need to decide what is important in a relationship, from your point of view. Some people value variety over certainty, and it sounds like she might be that kind of person. Some get over it, others do it because no one challenges them to stop.
Once you have an idea what you want in your life, and what you require of them, it would be time to discuss your thoughts with her. That is, if she hasn’t burned the last bridge before then.
Life is complicated. Relationships are more so. Sort yourself out first, be fairly sure what you want and need, as well as what is intolerable. But start with you. Until you know yourself, how can they know who they are dealing with?
I’m sure you will be able to work out your future. What remains to be seen is if it will include her as a friend or as something more, or if you will have to cut her out of your life entirely. Different people react to these discussions in different ways.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.
Hi. I’ve been always in love with a person. Because of the distance we couldn’t be together. I let him go…Then I met my actual husband , he was there at the moment, interested in me etc. I decided to let go of the person that I really love and give myself the opportunity with this other person. We married. I forced myself not to have any communication with my real love so I could dedicate my time in that new relationship etc. It wasn’t the answer. I’ve never been happy with him and never loved him. I’ve been forcing myself to love him but I’ve been hurting myself more and more. I recently got communication for him. He always felt the same way about me and has always looked for me and never found me until now. That love was revived again…more than ever. I truly know now that yes, that love is real and he has always been the love of my life. Im in plans of getting a divorce because I can’t keep hurting myself knowing I love another person. We love each other the same way. Is something so strong and unbelievable…is amazing. I’ve known him for 8 years now. I’m dying inside and suffering because I’m not with him…he feel the same way because he can’t be with me because I’m married. But i really never lovrd my husband.
Advice??
I’m back, I took a break with me and my girlfriend, and i miss her, and i was the one to decide on it, and i wanna know if I should still show her that I love her by signs like winking, and making hand hearts to her from a distance
That would depend on if you are ready to start the relationship again. Otherwise you haven’t let her go, you’ve just given her a longer leash, right?
Yeah, I just gave her time to think about what she wanted on Monday, but i think she might think I’m moving on, and might think I’m loosing interest
Well, you know her better than do I, and you know yourself better than do I. At this point, I think you’re ready to fly on your own. You will have the best feel for how things are going and what you want to tell her. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Such situations are always fraught with danger. Be careful how you move, and be as honest and upright as you can. There are many other things which may factor in, depending on the situation. Are there children? Is there a house (selling a house might prove difficult)?
Do you have a plan for when you let different people know what is going on? How will you break the news? How will others take it, and how can you help them understand? Perhaps a letter like the comment above could help others understand.
This won’t be easy, nor will it be fun. But you are (I hope) balancing pleasure and pain for the long term. Many people will try to talk you out of it, listen to them, but decide on your own what path you will take.
I wish you all the best, and urge you to be strong. You will be in my thoughts as you work you way through this situation.
so i don’t really know how this works but I have been with a girl for almost 1 and 4 months. Their was constant arguing over dumb stuff. Well anyways I’ve been in love with this girl since high school everyone says you were to young or you have no clue what love is about. I think I know what love is, you are willing to cherish this person because you love them. You love them to death it doesn’t matter whether your rich, poor, fat, etc etc etc. Well heres how the story of my relationship goes…everything was fine in high school we had problems like every relationship you know both young lovers. Their were a few trust issues she would lie about dumb shit i remember one time i was like hey was sup where are you she would say i’m at home doing homework and i was like okay and i was going to go surprise her with flowers or some dumb present and id magically run into her at the mall with her friends idk it was very stupid stuff she would lie about? Anyways she decided to take a break with me last summer and it felt like my world was ending and she said she was doing it because she needed time away from me. I remember it was terrible i felt like i could barely breathe i remember their were nights where i seriously felt my heart was dying. In no way ever did i cheat or talk to another girl unless she was a friend i was 100% committed. Anyways when she took that break i drove to her house and I dropped off flowers and a card and I saw her and she said go have fun go hook up with girls so i was like wtf? like i don’t want to.. and by the way we were going to University of Hawaii in fall 2012. So anyways after about a month she finally wanted me back and I went to go see her about it and she started crying saying how bad she was sorry and she didnt realize how hard it hurt me the whole love story. anyways I found out she was hanging out with her ex boyfriend. I was pissed I was like are you kidding me when did you hang out with him and she told me about a couple days after we broke up. and i was like wow..then i saw some stuff on fb saying she hooked up with a guy and that was it for me i just completely ignored her i told her were done etc etc etc. It was childish i know but i was like are you really gonna play me out like that? anyways i started talking to another girl (too soon i know) and she was great and my ex called saying we really need to talk and i was like whatever. anyways to put the story short she said she was pregnant, faked it, and thats when i was like umm screw you. I got into another relationship wayyyyy to soon after telling her id forgive her but then something was telling me to stay work it out but i ignored it. After that I left and she had sex with two different dudes. So were out in hawaii and i knew i made a big mistake and i wanted her back. So i sucked up my pride and i told the other girl look were not gonna work its to soon and i told her i still loved her and she was hurt but she understood and were friends today. Anyways after a month and a half of my ex bitching me out saying I was pregnant you hurt me, i asked her did you get with anyone and she kept telling me I was single I was single. And I was like look I love you and I understand if you did I only kissed the other girl and she said no. Month and a half later she told me yes I had sex with 2 other dudes. I was pissed off it would have been a different story if she came out and told me I would have understood but it was like wow another lie and shes a very good liar. For about 2 weeks we kept arguing and then finally it was okay again it was me & her. One problem was that I had she started drinking and smoking pot again. I was like are you kidding me? This is all while were out in Hawaii. I mean i get it you wanna party go out and have fun and i have no problem with that but don’t lie to my face continuously about who you are with idc if you are with 50 dudes I just wanna know. Hawaii has had lots of raping and thefts etc so I tried explaining it to her but she took it as you want to control me and that’s not what it is. Anyways i was texting one of my buddies because i was still pissed off about the whole two dudes because I would see one of them everyday i went to class. Anyways I was being dumb and immature and i was like bro what do i do like im about ready to say fuck it and start banging girls left and right. Anyways my ex and I had sex one night and it was romantic it wasn’t straight having sex it was intimate and loving. Idk how to explain it but i went to take a shower and she read those messages and she said fuck me to my face and left. As the semester went on we talked a few times but nothing more i tried to get her back but nothing worked. Well one night i got drunk really drunk so drunk that i didn’t even know what was going on and i had sex with someone else. Well my ex called me over one day and i told her and she was like wow you fucked up and banged another chick. I felt sick to my stomach i was destroyed i never thought she wanted me back. i was immature and stupid i know. Anyways the next day i was jumped at night got knifed and i was like i know im gonna be able to get her back I had hope. Well I decided to leave Hawaii cuz these guys just had it out for me and i didnt want anything to happen to her if she was with me. So its about Christmas Break and i find out shes hanging out with her ex again and she went to a party that night and came out of the room with some random dude drunk with a guy at a party. Well later on christmas break she knew i wasnt going back to Hawaii and asked to hang out and she said she missed me, we had sex and I asked her about the party and she told me straight to my face no jake I didnt have sex with anyone since you. After that we fixed things and things were fine anyways we were together for a little bit doing long distance and i could finally breathe again. But the way she dresses the way she carriers her self now is different..It’s a completely different girl and i was disappointed I felt terrible like what have i done…anyways we were trying long distance but the same things were happening I was like why continue to lie i do not care where you go or who you are with just be honest all i care is honesty i dont care at all and we had fights again and again and i blocked her i was like screw it she would just lie over stupid bull shit im like why lie i really do not understand the point of lying and i blocked her twice and now shes done with me it’s easter today and she told me to get counseling over my “controlling issues” and I have I have talked to a counselor three times already. I guess what im asking is will it ever go back to the same me and her (I dont wanna use our names) Honestly I just want it to be us again no more drama no more fights no more bs. I have no problem changing my immature ways. I just get frustrated with the lies. I mean take it this way im not sure if you have ever heard of instagram well its sort of like facebook and i saw her spend the night at two dudes rooms when she said she was with her roomate and im like what the hell is that? I know she didnt have sex with them i can tell when shes lying and when shes not just by her voice over the phone or skype. Anyways it’s easter and she told me I have nothing left to say. she didnt even say she loves me and i asked her if their was someone else and i was like you can tell me i understand and she said no. I think she and i are both emotionally and physically drained from the constant arguing. I love this girl to death and I have no problem waiting but am i waiting for the right reasons? I will honestly marry this girl when the time is right if she would ever get back together with me. But i cant take the dishonesty and their was a point when she was honesty because i know the “real her” and that’s what’s worth waiting for the real her. But idk our relationship is so complicated and it makes it even harder since were away from each other. I don’t know what to say it’s hard to say over a message but i talked to the counselor and she told me if its true love it will come back no matter what no matter the mistakes you have both made (aside from cheating that’s where it really starts to struggle) I honestly understand our relationship is toxic. It really is and I have prayed over and over and i seem to be getting the same response stay with her because the real her is worth fighting for. The world and this society has just seemed to have caught her up a bit. I mean i get it everyone likes to go out party meet new people its just lying i do not know. I like to go out and have fun i have drank in the past but not anymore. I just wanna know is this something worth fighting for? Is this something that maybe will work in the future in 5 or 10 years because honestly i would give up every girl for her but i feel replaceable in her eyes and i dont want to be. I want to be cherished as well. I really feel like because of her lying it’s gotten to the point that im like screw it idk. I keep on mumbling on and on but i just need help.
It sounds like both of you need to take some time to grow. If there is as much disagreement and arguing as you say, there are some issues you need to address. And she will need to address her issues as well. Until you can communicate without it rolling straight into an argument, I can’t see much of a future, can you?
Arguing that frequently can lead to resentment, and that sounds like what you are saying at the very end of your comment. I cannot determine what your best course of action is, but it sounds like the relationship is in rough shape right now. If the two of you can find a way to agree to a cease fire, and take a little time to work on your issues, you might find enough common ground to make the relationship worth saving. If you continue on the present course, I am concerned that one or both of you will develop enough resentment to kill the relationship completely.
My advice is to take a breather, work on your issues, and see what she is willing to do. If she isn’t willing to work to save the relationship, it may already be dead. Only you (or she) can make that call. Be strong, and know that time spent improving yourself is never wasted time. Become a better person, and see what you can do moving forward.
Thanks i appreciate that alot, i just got to let her know that I’m serious about this relationship but I’m gonna let the relationship do all the work, and whatever happens, because it’s for the best, thanks again, i appreciate it
Glad I could be of some assistance.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 4 months and im a senior, and before I dated her, i told her I want something that can last, she has had a relationship that has lasted a year and a half, and she loved him alot, but he didn’t treat her right, but they loved each other alot. I asked her yesterday about us in the future, and she responded with i dont wanna get married til she was 30, and that she still wanted to have fun, and do more things in life. She told me that she wanted to be together and that she loved me. But as in for years and years, she makes it feel like she wants to explore still. I’m not sure if she has gotten used to letting go in relationships, but i want to let go of her and see if this is a real relationship that we are in, or if it’s not, im starting college in 4 to 5 months and I need to find out before I leave off for college, I love her more than anything I have in life right now, and i wouldn’t wanna loose her, because i have fallen in love before but I could let go because I knew it wasn’t right, but this one feels real, and hard to let go of her knowing that this world is to large and knowing that it could be a big lose, do i need to let her go and see if she will come back, and i dont know what to say to her when I break up neither because i love her
While in certain rare instances, people meet and stay together forever after. Usually, people need to explore themselves and their needs. It sounds like she isn’t ready for a “forever” commitment just yet.
Yours will be a complicated situation, one which will require both of you to be honest about your needs and desires. Also consider that, especially when young, needs and desires can change fairly quickly, and sometimes, fairly often. What seems perfectly reasonable today, may not be something you want be part of in another 6 months. The same goes for her.
Sometimes, the best friendships start this way. I have many friends who were once very close to me, but are now friends. It takes no small amount of inner strength to make that transition, but not everyone will be the right one for a life-mate. Some are just life-long friends. Time alone will tell.
I wish you the best, and will keep you in my thoughts as the two of you work on determining your future.
Do you think i need to go by the quote to see if she will come back, or just talk it out, because we’ve had a serious conversation like 4 days ago, I can let any girl go, but this one, is something special, what do you think is best for me, because I’m really needing it, and im hurting bad the longer we are together knowing that she might end it randomly
The quote, in my opinion, is directed to someone trying to hold someone back who is set on leaving. Those are the ones to let go, or you will be constantly working to hold on to them. And eventually, they will escape.
If I understand you, she hasn’t left, she just isn’t ready to make as serious a commitment as you are. To me, that calls for more discussion, and trying to understand the perspective of the other person. The usefulness will be based on the honesty of each of you, and will be valid for only a short period of time. If she still hasn’t figured out what she wants, things will be changing for her, and fairly rapidly. Try not to hold it against her, as that is her purpose at this time (based on what I read).
I would be careful, as if you try to make her promise not to do this, or that, you may very well drive her away. It won’t be easy, but you will have to let her find her own way. If things go well, you can accompany her on much of that journey. About all I am certain of is that if you make a habit of annoying her or trying to determine her path, you will drive her away.
It’s not going to be easy, nor will it be fun, but that’s the hand you have been dealt. What remains to be seen is how you will play it.
My best friend of 3 years and boyfriend of 10 months just recently broke up with me. I am still in shock every day because I never expected this; even our friends thought it was a joke. He always told me how happy I made him and how he could never imagine life without me. He loved me so much, and I love him. But then he told me he doesn’t love me anymore; he says he needs to change (be a better person) and that he cannot see us ever being together. How can he have a change of heart so suddenly? Just the day before we were talking about how excited we were to spend spring break together. And I’m so confused because I found out that he still wears the bracelet I made him; the one he said he would never take off until he had a wedding ring on his finger. My family and friends have been so helpful to me, but I just really wish I had my best friend back. Is there any hope?
That he still wears your bracelet seems to be a sign that he still has some kind of feeling for you.
Perhaps he was scared of the committment (lots of guys are, even if they won’t admit it), and is trying to avoid it by pushing you away. Perhaps he has realized that there are things in his life he wants to work on before going any farther with you. Without talking directly with him, and having him be completely honest with you, it would be very hard to know what is going on in his life.
Until he straightens things out on his side, I doubt there is much you can do besides be helpful, as he defines it. That may include staying away while he tries to clear his head and get things back on track. My recommendation to you is to take this time-out to work on yourself. Do something you wouldn’t have done as a couple. Try something new, or do something you always wanted to try. Become a better you, working towards your best possible self. At least that’s what I would do.
In answer to your actual question, “Is there any hope?” I would say there is always hope, but it might not be a very likely result.
I think I just have to come to accept that he was “in love” with me (the euphoric honeymoon stage), but that he never made it to actually love me quite yet (the dependable and everlasting stage). I assume he was so close to finding the “love” stage that perhaps it felt like he was falling out of love with me? What do you think? Or am I completely off?
That’s a question that can’t possibly be answered by an outsider. Even he might not be sure of the answer. Sorry I can’t be any more help that that. Stay strong, and keep on working to be the best person you can be, and who knows what might be in store for you in the future.
read some stories and liked the quick response so i wanted to share mine. recently i got out of a two year relationship and i was doing great. I would hangout with my friend and his gf all the time and then about five months after my last relationship i was hanging with my friend and his gf and her friend who had a bf of seven years. She had stated in past that she wasn’t happy though and i never talked to her cause i had a gf before. She started hanging out there more and would mess me on facebook to see if i was going there. Eventually she left her bf and started hanging out with just me at my house. We were together for about a month without the title of boyfriend and girlfriend and everything was fine. Then we talked about our relationship and said that we were happy and didnt want to tallk to anyone else so we made it official. That is when it went downhill, she started getting as she put it confused in her head if it was the right thing and she decided to leave. For two days she wasnt with me but still text me asking how i was and saying she missed me. She talked to alot of people in her family about it and they told her that i was the best thing that has happened to her and that she was stupid for leaving me and that she was scared to be happy cause she was so used to being with someone who didnt care. so she came back. She didnt want the lable though just wanted to take things slow. Pretty much it was like we were together without being official she stayed at my house everynight and we were together in our free time. About a week later she said i forgot all about this picture and showed me a picture of her kissing her bestfriend on the lips who is a girl but her friend is bi sexual and has a crush on her. I got upset and it was our first arguement because i didnt think it was right to do. She explained that it wasnt like that and that they are just friends and then i felt like i was wrong to be upset and we talked and went about our day which i thought turned out alright. That night she said she was sad and that she wished she could get things in her head right. She left again and then the next day came and got her stuff from my house when i was at work. She said to me do you realize you got mad at me and we aint even together officially, which is true but its just a label and she herself said we were exclusive which she said ment she wasnt talking with anyone else and i wasnt cause we were going to be together. So now she wants to back off and have space and she says its not about me cause i apologized to her for everything i did that day and then last night she said she wasnt mad at me. so im just confused on the whole situation i dont know what i should do to be honest should i try to be with her or just let her go? I always tell her im here to talk but it seems like she wont talk to me all day and will then text me and say how are you doing and i think welll you left me so probably worse then you are. anyways this seems to becoming a very long comment so im gonna end it there looking forward to a response hopefully it helps everyone else i talk to says shes retarded, immature, and need to get herself together or that she is dumb and is stringing me along in case she wants to be with me. I wish life wasnt so complicated and this would work out so i wouldnt be upset anymore thanks for reading
It’s always hard to know what to do when the other person doesn’t know what they are doing.
Or is it? It’s always easy to be honest. It might hurt, sometimes a lot, but it’s always easy. Trying to arrange you and your values and principles around someone else isn’t something I would do. I would recommend you against such action as well. If she stays (or comes back), you’re left looking as twisted as a pretzel (or a lower case ‘g’ on a typewriter), and required to remain in such a situation for the duration of the relationship. If she doesn’t, you’re still all twisted up and then have to un-twist yourself.
I believe it is better to be yourself, and let her find herself. She sounds like she has no idea what she wants, and is chasing happiness (the feeling) as butterflies flit from flower to flower. As she better understands happiness and love, she will (hopefully) settle down. If you’re still around and still interested, perhaps she will grow into someone who is compatible with you and who you have become in that time.
Only you can choose to be upset. We are generally only upset when someone else breaks one of our rules. Take a moment and consider what rules you believe in, which she has broken. Are those rules very important to you, or are they something from a long time ago that is no longer relevant today? When you have updated your list of rules, consider what she means to you, and what your rules mean to you, and choose between them. Upset is gone, right? It’s something to think about, at least.
Only you can choose your path. You will have to weigh the situations and live with the consequences. You can be strong, if you want to. Know that my thoughts will be with you, and that your troubles, like all things in life, are transitory. Tomorrow will be a new day, and you will find new joys and new challenges.
Just keep smiling.
Thanks a lot for your response. Its hard to talk to someone about a situation and get a good opinion because usually its bias for me or for her depending on the person i talk to about it. The only new information i know about the situation is that to her the way i handled getting mad wasn’t right which i agree with to because i was acting on raw emotions and should have taken time to think about how to talk it out with her in a reasonable manner but i like everyone else am human and made the mistake of not controlling the anger and mistrust i felt when i saw the picture. I thought i was lied to only to realize that she never lied to me and if she showed me the picture on her own she wasn’t trying to hide it from me. Like i said i know i made a mistake and the only way i can make it somewhat right would be if i had a chance to prove it to her that i can control my emotions next time something happens that i don’t like or agree on. One person talked to me about this said i should hope for the best, pray for the best, but expect the worst that way if the worst was to happen meaning she didn’t give me a chance to prove I wouldn’t loose control of my emotions again that it wouldn’t change anything because it was what i expected. anyways thanks again it was nice to hear something about the whole situation im going through.
Perhaps it’s a thing with guys and emotions, but my standard is not to never lose my temper. To me, that would be setting myself up for failure. Instead, I try to make sure that I recognize that I have gone too far, and then pull back.
If I am reading your post correctly, you have found one of her rules. You are not allowed to lose your temper. How realistic it is, that’s a different discussion. But knowing it exists, you can at least discuss it with her.
I had heard the expression as ‘prepare for the worst’ so that it doesn’t catch you off guard. To me, the word ‘expect’ has some level of inevitability built into it, and that’s not the way I like to view life. But that’s why my advice is always to continue to work on yourself. Become a better person in this troubling time. That way, either way, you are better for the experience.
It looks like you already have an aspect of your life on which you are ready to work. Great! Any thoughts on how you’ll work on it, or how you will prove it to her, should the opportunity arise? Might I suggest some of my posts on anger? Here and here – there will be some overlap due to the nature of tags and categories.
Stay strong, and stay focused. Life will go on. Remember her always, and with affection.
sorry i just got some news tonight and i decided to come back and look for advice from you because your advice seems to be the best out there in my opinion. So she started hanging with her ex bf again and they went to the movies with my best friend and his gf. she ended up staying with him and now tonight she called and said that we are to different that i showed her she can be happy without him and that our time together was perfect but that she cant live her life without him in it. which i never told her she had to because she said he is a great friend but a crappy bf. but now she says that shes gonna be with him i just think its sad that he has such an emotional hold on her that she feels like she is doing the wrong thing if she pursues her happiness and he isn’t part of it all i know is she called me tonight said they were back together and all this and i just feel like i failed somehow like i should have done something better if it was so great and our time together was so perfect like she said then why did she choose him over me ?
I had two thoughts on this situation of yours.
One is that she has made up her mind, and that you should just let her go and move on.
The other thought is similar, but not quite the same. She may be trying to have both of you, and both of you are letting her. If you tell her she should choose, she might not chose you, but it sounds like that’s where she is anyway, so what do you have to loose?
Some people just need more practice at making big decisions. She might be one of them. You have your own life to live, and you will have to decide if you are willing to share her or not. Once you have made that decision, you will pretty much have your work cut out for you, choosing between the two options I outlined above. There are probably other options available, but that’s for you to figure out and decide on, based on your values and preferences.
I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my thoughts.
My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago. It was a surprise, he didn’t plan it out. He thinks we are not compatible and doesn’t see a future in us. It was a 2 years relationship and we never had big arguments. The biggest problem was us not trying to solve tiny problems we had during our relationship until it burst and we did not realise until after we broke up. I thought it through for the past little while and I don’t agree on us not being compatible, but I do think there were things we both did wrong during the relationship and have to improve on our own. I keep on telling myself to move on and forget about him, but it doesn’t seem to work. I am trying my best to continue with my life but deep down I still have feelings for him and hope that he will give us another chance.
The question is: “what will you do in the meantime?” How will you occupy your time? If you spend it longing for him, you will likely do both of you a disservice. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself, and that you are doing things that help you move forward with your life. Perhaps he will be back, but he might not. Sitting still and waiting, while an option, is not a very good idea, in my opinion.
I am coming to you because I have nobody else to ask for good advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. Not so long ago, my ex calls me, telling me that he still has feelings for me. I told my boyfriend about what happened and he told me my ex was ‘playing games’ with me. My feelings for this ex was great to the point where I thought he was “the one” but he treated me so bad and cheated on me once that I decided to let him go for the best. It took me a great amount of time to get over him and get him out of my life. Eventually, he was out of sight out of mind. That is until he called me a few weeks ago. I love my boyfriend dearly but I know deep in my heart I still have feelings for my ex. Maybe I feel bad for letting him go?
Well, if you can’t answer that question, I don’t know how I could.
The first question I think you should answer is “Has he changed?” I seriously doubt you want back into that mess, even if you do have feelings for him. Determine how much better he has to have become before he becomes a better bet than your present boyfriend. It might be that the trust is so badly shattered that you would have to be crazy to go back. Or perhaps they are not. You will have to answer that question.
Another important question to ask is “Why did he call?” Does he want you so bad he would dump his present girlfriend, or did she just dump him and he’s looking for someone, anyone, and called you? Doesn’t the answer to this question seem important to you?
What other questions do you have? Ask yourself, ask him, and ask anyone you know who can shed light on how much better he is doing. As always, reserve the right to say “No thank you” to the relationship, or to walk away if he goes back to old habits. But is it worth the risk, given it seems you have a great guy at the moment?
I know, you came here for answers, and are leaving with a list of questions. But you are the only one who can answer them. Let the questions clear your head and open your eyes.
Been with my now ex-GF for 10 years, she went to Asia for a month for vacation and fell in love with a man. My heart was shattered to find out that she wanted to be pregnant by this man only knowing him for less than a month bcoz he promised her the world. When she returned back to the state I begged her to stay but she said she left her heart back in Asia. It was so hard that I couldn’t eat or sleep for close to two weeks. I finally gave her the space she needed to “find herself “and I also cut her off with all communication (text nor email etc…) even though I was sitting next to the phone waiting for her to text or call me, eventually (a week later) she called but I didn’t answer than she text me and said she misses me (I still didn’t answer even though It was so hard, I wanted her to really have the time to think about it by herself). I’m starting to see the lights at the end of that tunnel with the help of family and friends encouraging me that I can do so much better ( I have no baggage, never married, owned a few houses, got a great job, nice car ect…) that there’s plenty of fish out there waiting for me. After a week… she’s now coming down from the cloud nine and said she wanna move back but I told her that it’s too soon, that she should stay at her brother house for a little more time just to be sure that she’s really truly wants to come back (bcos I’m now scared that she might do this to me again and that my roller coaster emotions will all come back again). I can finally sleep, eat and learning to move on without her. Even though I told her to stay at her brother house for a little more time to think (it’s killing me inside) but I think it’s better this way so that hopefully she’s never leave again, I told her if she ever move back I will love her a thousand times more but I want her to be sure that she wants to come back not bcoz she’s feeling bad for me bcos I’m miserable without her. She agreed and it’s been 8 days now we continued without communication. I just hope I’m doing the right thing and not pushing her away.
PS. For those that feels your world has ended, what helped me was my family and friends kept on feeding me how great of a person I am that I WILL find someone else better that got me thinking I’ll be OK. I believed that you should let your mind feel-in all the “what if” questions, otherwise it will never rest, once all the “what if” had been looked at than your mind will stop thinking about it. Trust me gal/guys.. By let it out it’s good for you (your emotions), force yourself to cry (I didn’t think I can cry until now) and let your friends and family show you why you are blinded and trust me the bright lights is there. My family and friends told me all i have to do is give them the word that i’m ready to move on then they will hook me up bcos there are plenty of single women out there.
Lastly, thank you philosiblog for this GREAT site.
Let’s go in reverse order. Thanks, I’m glad you like the site, and that you took the time to share your story.
In you PS, you mention something I didn’t even think about. You had a vibrant and strong support network to help you through the tough times. That can be a critical step, especially for someone who is social. It didn’t occur to me, as I am not a particularly social person.
As for giving her time to think, and to help her make sure she really wants to come back, that’s a good idea, up to a point. And you realize that, so be careful how long you hold her off, lest she lose interest and wander off.
It also looks like you’re doing a great job of working on yourself, and keeping your head on straight despite the pain and the longing. Most of the people posting on this blog are still too hurt to be thinking about other prospects, but you are right, there are other fish in the sea.
Not that you need the encouragement, but stay strong, and know that my thoughts are with you.