If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown
Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.
What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.
The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).
By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.
Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”
Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.
To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?
Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.
How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?
An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?
You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.
Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.
This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.
From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM
Hi my ex and i split up about a year ago, he tried fighting for us to work things out but i was to stubborn to try…. he would call me, chase me and beg for me to work things out with him but i didn’t want to at the time…. now a year later i am the one doing the chasing, begging and crying…. he tells me that he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with me right now, but we can just hang out…. i love him with all my heart but he is determined to make sure that i hurt as much as he hurt…. how do i fix this???
There is little you can do. The ball, as it were, is in his court. You can try to appeal to him, try to reach him, try to make it up to him, but in the end, it’s his decision.
I don’t know what else to say besides to stay strong, and work on your own needs, not just on chasing him around. I know you consider him to be one of your needs, but you cannot focus solely on him at the expense of yourself.
My situation. I travel and work in various countries, spanning Europe, Middle East and Africa.
I came to Lagos, Nigeria two years ago where I met my current and only husband. We both married out of our love for each other, or so I believed. He is truly a wonderful man, who spent a year in the UK, where I am from.
We married in July 2012. Before I said it would be great to get the necessary travel documentation so we can travel freely to and fro without any hassle.
Shortly after we got married I found myself having to leave Lagos and move to Abuja for a few months. So we were separated until January 2013. During this time of separation he became increasing aggressive, moody, the total opposite of the man I had known before.
He started talking about how he really needed to leave this country and for me to get him his paperwork. He came to see me in Abuja twice, and the second time he got violent, which is something just so awful.
He left, to return to Lagos. I returned to Lagos in January, only to discover he now keeps me out of his life completely, ignores me, calls me a liar, you name he does it.
I checked many things with his sister. V*rious stories to cross check, and found out he lies just too much. He used to be open with me but has now cut me off completely. There are only rare moments of how he used to be.
He now claims he can go out and do anything he likes, without me knowing, he disrespects me completely. Makes late night calls, chats with all kinds of people on his BB. I know people have told him he should leave me. And I do believe he is planning to do so when I start my new job shortly.
His family have been very good to me and I have always supported him emotionally and financially. When it comes to money, he is very strange now. He never says when he has been paid, when he used to before. I gave him money to keep, but his refusal to tell me what he has done with it, or what he is going to do with it is so unfair. I work hard and have invested a lot emotional time, not concerned about them money, and I find it so draining. I can’t and don’t want to give up, but my gut feeling tells me, I might just have to let him go. It hurts, I have good days and bad days. I know the culture and people well enough, that they way he is behaing tells me something is so wrong.
He refuses to communicate, no matter what angle I try.
Living at his sister’s is just a stop gap now. He told me he thought marrying a white woman would better his life, he feels shame and disgrace because we are living at his sisters. I know how he feels, but he just keeps pushing me away, and playing games with me.
I loved the post from Corinthians.
It sounds like he has already left, with no intent of returning. It is sad to say, but I would prepare for the worst. With one past incident of violence, I would be prepared for that as well as the usual division of the estate on separation and divorce.
Protect yourself as best you can, and stay strong. From the sound of it, you are already accomplished in the business world, and looking to move away from the area, so (hopefully) your period at risk will be but a short time.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I’m glad you liked the passage we used at our wedding.
I’ve know from the start that he has trust issues, but it turned out to be more serious than I imagined. There seems to always be a problem with what I did, how I spoke, who I spoke to and why, the decision I made “could” have led to something more and the list really goes on. It is like he is waiting for this aweful thing to happen and in his mind he knows it is bound to happen. Well he said he was done with the relationship because I am always doing dumb things. However, he did say that even though I do dumb things that annoy him that I have not treated him bad and that he knows that I love him and he loves me too. He says that he doesn’t trust his bestfriend or brother as far as he could see them and I don’t do anything to show him that he can trust me. This has been going on for more than two years and again, it seems that each time I accept the way he feels about something and make changes to show him respect and love, thats the moment he finds something else. So today I asked him if he was sure he was done because I want to make sure that we are on the same page. Of course I expressed to him that I do love him and didn’t want it to end but he told me yes and I said ok. I just don’t feel confident that this is what he really wants (to breakup) and I can’t understand why he can’t just “let go” and love me freely. If he decides to come back one day and still loves me….I don’t know if I will trust him again to open my heart back up for fear that he will decide to leave again. I am not perfect, but I tried to focus on the positive and my love for him helped me to push aside and work beyond any negative. Why was he waiting on everything negative?
Sorry to hear of the recent course of events.
Everyone has a certain level of trust. Having been betrayed (in action, or in his thoughts) by members of his family has clearly damaged his ability to trust anyone. That mistrust, of course, is projected onto you. No matter what you did, no matter how you tried to prove yourself worthy, I seriously doubt he would be able ever accept it. It does not appear to be in his nature. From how you describe it, that sounds like something a professional should try to help him understand, and hopefully overcome.
It sounds like you have an understanding of the problem, and realize that until he changes, you will always be at risk of his negativity and distrust. If I am reading this right, you are now free to work on yourself, and I would start by reminding yourself that you really are trustworthy. That kind of negativity over time can have an impact on a person, and it may take a little time to clean it out. I would urge you to remember him fondly, but remember his flaw. Learn from the experience, so that you don’t go through this again, either with him or with someone else. If he truly changes, that’s a whole different story, right?
Thanks for the reply Philosiblog and thanks for the advise. I’m going to work on me like you said and show myself some love. It is exhausting always trying to prove your worth and I don’t want to have to live that way. I hope that he does truly change, and not for me but for himself. He is a great guy otherwise and I want him to be happy so it is a whole different story at that point; Always having to have your guard up can make for a pretty miserable life. God has always been my guide and I’m thankful that I have the faith to leave my life’s challenges in his hands to be worked out. No matter what happens I know it will be for the best and that I will be ok. I love him and he knows that but no more of this distrust and accusing. It isn’t good for our mental or physical health. It’s nice to be able to express myself without having to defend my character and while not being together is not what I want, I feel a sense of calm by being able to accept the situation at its current stage. You know, he called and wanted to hang out yesterday evening and I said I don’t think it’s a good idea. Before I would have gone without question; I told him that he decided that he didn’t want to be with me and that I need time to adjust to what that means. I think he was surprised at my response and that I really meant it. But I want more and I want him to have more and I want a foundation that is strong. That means that even when we become upset at each other (and we will, we are all human beings with different personalities no matter how similar they may be) that the commitment keeps us from running off or throwing in the towel. Anyway, I know I did what was right. Thank you for listening and again taking the time to respond. May you continue to be Blessed.
I am truly glad you seem to have a pretty good handle on the situation. Your first job is to protect yourself. That might not be fun, but it is the way of life. I’m glad you have hope for him, and not just for your sake. It took me a long time to realize that point.
Stay strong, stay focused. Things will change. Hope for better, prepare for worse. You win either way. 8)
What about if they left, and you let them go, for them to return to the relationship, and months down the line leave again?
That sounds more like a yo-yo or a dog playing fetch. Are they playing with your heart? Are you letting them do so? Some people don’t know what they want, and others are easily confused or bored. If they keep leaving, it’s probably best to let them stay gone, and move on with your life.
Thank you for a great site and for making it just a little bit easier knowing that you care. I posted on here in Feb and just wanted to let you know that it is true — we are back together eve
n stronger and better than before !!!!!!
Congratulations. One last tip – learn from what happened last time. Try not to repeat the same mistakes again, right?
Hi philosiblog,
I came upon your article after googling “if it’s meant to be it will be”. I loved your interpretation of the quote and your description of love and how to measure it.
I also read the comments and was happy to see that you are still replying to people. Thank you for that! So many people need love advice. In a way, it’s nice to know you’re not all alone in the pain, although it doesn’t make it any better.
My story is somewhat like Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett (Gone with the Wind). I met this incredible guy and he loved me from the start and was great to me. We were together for 4 years, during which I often asked myself if I love him, and what love really is. I was nice to him, but should have been so much nicer. In the end, he broke up with me – mainly because I didn’t fit in with his family, but also because he felt that I didn’t care enough for him. Since then, I have gone through the self-hatred and self-discovery phase. I realized that I have treated him badly and have done so many mistakes with him. I actually feel worse that I have hurt him for so long, than for losing him – and that is how I know I actually do love him, not just miss him. That is why I equate this to Scarlett/ Rhett – she also realized she loved him too late.
Until recently, he wanted to stay in touch and see if anything can happen after a few months. For me, this ‘in between’ state was very confusing and I asked him to not contact each other for a while, and set up a meeting later. I was hoping that during this time he will miss me, and will decide to try again. Apparently, the opposite happened. I don’t know if he is out of love now, or just decided that it’s not worth giving it another shot. This is so unfortunate, because I just finally opened my eyes and was so ready to treat him the way he deserves to be treated…
So in our case, I sort of think that he let me go to see if I will return. I did return. But he changed his mind and closed the door. And that is why I have been googling “if it’s meant to be”…
I know I should give him some space now but I wonder if I can contact him in a couple of months and see if something can be salvaged. Otherwise, it will be such a waste of genuine feelings… I have to believe in this “meant to be” thing to maintain my hope alive.
Do you think it’s too late for me?
Obviously, I have no idea whether things will work out or not. However, I would start at the top and address the big issue you mentioned early on in your post (and if you already have, that’s great!). Apologize to him for not treating him the way you should have.
You will want to be careful to not come across as needy or as trying to rope him and drag him back in. I imagine you could contact him in ‘a couple of months,’ so long as the number of months is more than two. 8) There’s no telling how things will be for either of you by then. You may have met someone interesting, and not be available.
It sounds like you have some level of respect for him, and I feel that is good. Some people turn their love into hate when things go poorly, and I see that as a problem with deeper roots.
As for replying to posts, I try. Sometimes it takes me a few days, as I have a family and a full time job. It keeps me busy. But I feel if someone has taken the time to write, I should write back. If they have been honest with me, I should be honest back. If they have asked my advice, I should give it, even if it’s not what they were hoping to hear.
Life will be tough for a while, although it sounds like the worst is behind you. I would try to focus on the good, not the bad. Don’t regret the ending of this phase of the relationship, be glad for what has happened. Stay strong, and continue to work on improving yourself. Pick something on your to-do list and get busy. A little distraction every now and then can be a good thing, right?
Thank you for replying! It’s so incredibly nice of you to reply to so many people.
I did tell him that I loved him and apologized for not treating him as well as I should have. It is strange to me how he was always hoping it would work out and he closed the door right after I told him this. If a man closes the door to a relationship, is it final?
And, sorry, one more thing – why wait for more than 2 months?
I was playing off the word couple, which can mean precisely two (as in “they make a nice couple”), or a number somewhat larger than two (as in “can I have a couple beers?”).
As for how often to keep in touch, or how long to wait before the next time you try, that is something best decided by you, as you know the situation and I do not.
With guys, it’s hard to tell. I won’t say we’re complex, we’re mostly just unpredictable. The only person who knows is him, and even then, it may change over time.
Thanks for the kind comments, and I’m sure you will do well in the future.
I’ve been dating this guy for about 4 months hands down best relationship ever the admiration, consideration everything is wonderful..he even makes a point to tell me he’s never had a woman show this kind of caring for him and he’s so happy….Even the little things he does for overwhelms me. we decided maybe we could take this further( which was not our intention initially)…as we got into his past …he did tell me that he has an ex that he hurt deeply and that they have a child (which i knew of). and he still loves her…and that they have been trying on and off for 10years…..her family does not want him near her and so they finally split last year…recently she learned of his all to happy budding romance with me and she has decided she wants him back.and that she’s ready to make it work… He sat me down and said he wasn’t sure what to do.and that he was so fed up of the on and off but he feels owes it to her .to give it one more chance..but then he’s happy where he is now…. in one sense i’m hurt and insulted but on the other hand he did tell me about his ex in month 2 and about their tumultuous history ….Normally I would’ve ran away which is what i always do in relationships…but i’ve never had this kind of happiness before…and it kills me that this is the one thing (big thing) that may end us. at this point i’m trying to keep my distance but he still calls and texts…
A couple of things, but the first is that congratulations appear in order. You are glossing over something I feel is very significant – you didn’t run away. While you seem to attribute it to the person you are dating, I would guess that at least a little bit of it is a maturation in yourself. Take a moment and celebrate that, it’s a significant achievement.
There’s going to be some interesting times ahead. I infer that you feel a little upset that she is messing with your relationship, and possibly breaking you up. Will you respond to fire with fire? I would sit down and give that thought some serious consideration. If you make the decision up front, when you see an opportunity to get a dig in, you will already have figured out if you will or will not. Just understand that it’s not just you against her, either one of you could drive him away from both of you if you both go at it, right? I don’t know you, much less her or him, so that analysis may be off base, but it’s something you might want to consider.
One thing I would want in a relationship is closure. How many times will he give her ‘one last try?’ It sounds like he’s having trouble giving her up. It also sounds like he’s having trouble giving you up as well, since you mention texts and calls. At some point he will have to give one of you up. How you want to phrase it, and when it is appropriate to say it, that’s something you will have to determine. But if he’s still in contact with you, she can call you the home wrecker, right?
Keep your faith in yourself. Things might or might not work out in the manner in which you hope. But either way, you will continue. Be strong, and keep working on improving yourself. My thoughts and best wishes will be with you in these troubled times.
actually that’s exactly how i feel, that she is messing up my relationship and she just should leave us alone she had her chance.for 10years… It did cross my mind to call her and let her have it….but in the end it’s his decesion also.. I feel he’ll resent me somehow or always wonder what if…..this is just too much …AND I have decided to just walk away…ofcourse i told him of my decision and he wasnt happy…so he sent a text if we can still talk or grab a cup of coffee.(i didn’t answer)what should i say?I can’t even look at him w/o tearing up
he did make a point to mention if he did decide to go back with her and it doesn’t work whatever the consequences with me he will face it.(i.e begging me ,groveling or me in another realtionship etc ) and i said its just that easy for you huh?…and he yelled at me saying that’s why he cant decide… but that old saying “IT’S BETTER TO LOVE THAN NEVER LOVE AT ALL…i strongly disaggree this is the most horrible pain ever it’s so not worth it…Nonetheless .thank you for taking the time out to answer I really appreciate the
advice.and best wishes….. I really enjoyed your blog 🙂
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad you took the time to make the decisions up front. Far too many people (myself included) fail to do that, and then do something stupid on impulse, instead of thinking first.
He will eventually make up his mind, or have it made for him by alienating all his possible partners. It sounds like he is afraid of making the wrong choice (just guessing, based on the response you shared).
As for the other quote you mention, it depends on the proximity to the breakup and your attitude towards it (and the other person). The pain will eventually fade, the degree will depend on the time and how much you obsess over it. You learn from each experience, and hopefully the next one will be better, or at least not end as painfully. Time alone will tell, but that’s been the pattern I have observed over these many years.
The final caution I would give you is to take care. Love can easily turn to hate if you decide to make it so. It’s natural to be angry when something like this happens. But please don’t get stuck in anger. Work through the grieving process, and continue to move on with your life.
i have been dating my boyfriend for seven years. he is my first lover. i found him cheating with other gal, now he is saying he is setting me free, he dont desserve my love coz i love him too much and he is a cheater and a lier. i am so heart broken and to let him go is gonna be difficullt. i dont know what to do. i cant even cope at work.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit. It will be rough, but you owe it to yourself to pull yourself together. That won’t be easy, and your heart will take some time to heal, but understand that this is your first. You will have others. He will always be special, and that is a good thing. When you are ready, you will find another, and eventually you will find the right one.
My thoughts will be with you, but you will be fine.
Hello, this is a marvelous article and I respect and appreciate all comments.
I’m 25 and I had a girlfriend for 9 or so months, we had ups and downs and I totally fell in love with this lady (and still am) although she didn’t fully love me yet (or at least told me, I did tell her though) we shared nice times and some harder times for the large part revolved around minor communication issues and the fact I felt that she was not fully over her last boyfriend who lingered in the background (which she was not, and we spoke about this at times as was her first everything – so I kind of understood and accepted) But ultimately she did not want to be with him, so we continued and she never wanted to break up.. I then needed to move our of town to a different company which allowed me to end the relationship in the right way as she wasn’t offering me enough at the time to stay and I wanted her to fully be over her ex. I felt deep down that if we were ever to be together and deeply in love with each other, I needed and she needed to get the ex boyfriend out of her system. We stayed in touch for a few months and got much closer whilst we were apart. She told me that she needed to give him one more chance (she broke off it with him initially before we met) and if we were ever to be together, it would be because we took this time apart – I wished her all the best and we broke the direct contact there. .I will move on for the time being and so will she (but I still love her deeply) and I feel that if she comes back to me, it will be because she knows that I was the best for her and that she would finally be emotionally available to me to able to love another. Your thoughts or guidance would mean the world to me. Alexander X
Well, there isn’t much to say. You followed the advice I have been giving pretty much to the letter. I would continue to work on improving yourself, which I believe it is our most important duty to ourselves. She will have to make up her mind. Well done!
Thanks so much my friend. I appreciate your comments. /Alexander/
You are welcome. Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to improve your life by design, not just by random chance.
Hello again my insightful friend, I am starting to think of doing things differently and I felt I needed to reach out to you as it’s kind of ‘against the grain’ as to the title of this article (you might be a little disapointed with me on this one)
There has been minimal contact between my ex-girlfriend and I since I moved out of town and we have both moved on with our lives (both now seeing new people – her back with her previous partner (that I found out from her) and I’m seeing someone new (although haven’t moved on really). I however will be heading back to her town in November for a 2-week audit for my accountancy firm and I feel it would be poor judgement on my part if I didn’t reach back out to let the only woman I’ve ever loved in all my 25years that I still care a great deal for her, and I would be willing to do what it takes to get her back (with no expectations). I’ve just began to feel that I have to say something, or just accept that nothing will happen as her pride amongst other things, will never allow her to bring me back in to her life. I wanted to just ask you for a slice of wisdom her as to whether seeing her to let her know how I feel is not the right course of action? Yes, I could get hurt I know, but even if I did, at least she would know my feelings.Thank you so much again, your responses are so well thought through and we all appreciate the time you give to your followers. A magnificent blog you have her, Peace and love, Alex
Sorry to be so slow in responding. Life gets busy from time to time.
Actually, the quote is about letting go of a person who wants to leave, so it doesn’t really appear to apply to this case.
I personally prefer openness and honesty to doubt and secrecy. Personally, I would communicate with someone to let them know where I stood, and what my feelings were. You could do that sooner, or you could wait until you got there in person, if you think that you could be more persuasive. Or you could contact her earlier, if you thought she might need some time to think about it.
As for the ‘right’ course of action, I cannot say. All I can do is advocate for complete, honest, and forthright communication. You will have to determine how applicable it is to your situation, your relationship, and your feelings.
Getting hurt is part of the game, isn’t it? It’s part of how we learn. Personally, I believe you will be hurt just as badly, if not worse, by saying nothing. The pain of knowing that something could have been will last the rest of your life.
Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.
Thanks so much Again for responding, I really respect and appreciate your wise words.
Wishing you all the best.
FOLLOW UP! She finally texted me today saying she was ready to talk. We opened up after a slow start and even though she stands strong that she has no intention of getting back together right now, she wants to hangout and just have fun like we used to. I told myself I wouldnt but ended up really trying to convince her to give it another shot rather than just being a man and letting go and telling her I’ll take her back if she comes… passion makes you do a lot of things haha. But i’m happy with how it resolved and it felt good to fight for her (us) in a sense. After having some closure I am more open to the idea that maybe she isn’t the one for me, and maybe I’m wasting my time and energy hoping that she comes back. Note for guys, if you are going to talk with your partner that has decided (right or wrong) that she does not want to be together, do not bring flowers or write poems unless you know they like it. Apparently women find it disrespectful and ignorant that you would try and do something sweet for them when all they want is for you to acknowledge the fact that they need space! To conclude, I won’t I’m a fan of break ups and moving forward, but communication and space is f*cking good for you! Time to focus on my life, wish you all the best.
Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. It looks like, so far, yours has been turning in your direction. Congratulations! It sounds like you understand what you need to do, even if you’re having some trouble acting on it. You’ll get better with practice, right?
Thanks for the well-wishes, and the same back to you.
I believe that somehow if you are meant to be, the future will bring you guys back together somehow
I hope your belief both gives you strength, and the comfort, to endure the time between their leaving and their return. My thoughts and best wishes will be with you.
Hello again, I’m sorry to repost but I need advice ASAP.
I have been with my partner for seven years, things were going great recently no problems. However a bit of background he lives with some of his family here and they have always has an issue with me (not sure why) anyways he moved out with me last year and when I got home for work yesterday he broke up with me and moved back to his old house.
He said he wasn’t in love with me a d he knew he didn’t want to marry me so he wasn’t satisfied. He said he felt bad because when he saw the way I looked at him he knew I loved him so much. This breaks my heart, because I obviously want him back.
I feel so stupid because I begged him to stay but he wouldn’t. We’ve had this sort of the happen a year or so ago but he stayed. He said he’s been trying for years to love me back but he just can’t. He said he loves me like a good friend. Is there a way I can get him back ? What do I do ? He is such an amazing person, everyone thinks so. I don’t want to be without him. Do I make contact or do I let him go ? It’s so hard. I’ve been physically sick since this happened. I guess maybe because its still raw but how do I heal my heart ? Everyone thought we were so happy and good together.
What do I do ? Is there anyway I can get him back ?
Unfortunately, he is a human, a person. You cannot command him to come back. If he wishes to return, he will. If not, you must get on with your life.
That’s the sad side of the quote. Not all who leave come back. But if that’s the case, it wasn’t going to last anyway. It may hurt, but life will go on.
Time will help heal your heart, as will your attitude towards him. If you chose to turn your love to hate for him, it will never heal. If you wish him the best as he explores his life, then your heart will heal.
Sadly, I speak those lines from experience. It never is pleasant, but the truth will always find a way to come out. Eventually, you will understand.
I regret that I cannot be of any additional help. Smile and remember the good times. Be happy for what you had, and do not regret what might never be. Or be miserable. The choice is yours.
Hi, I need all the advise I can get.
I’ve met this guy (21) online and we have been out on dates and he have seen my parents and are always spending time at my house. He is a decent guy and when we are out on a date he is always snatching to pay for the food and movie. We act like a couple when we are out on date, where we will hold hand,kiss and hug. He said he like me but I know he recently just broke up with his ex and he said he can’t forget about his ex when we just met but after afew month he seem better and he knows that his ex has got a new guy already. He seem genuine on dating me as he care about my relationship with my sister and insist on making our (me and my sister) relationship better and he make promises on where we will go on when he is free and ask me to meet with his friends and jokingly ask me to meet his mom. But this past week he have been a bit weird. Usually we will text when he is free and he will initiate the text and let me know he is free. At night he will ask me to call him however, this week he had been quite quiet with the texting and I had to ask him if he is free to text or call. The other problem is he seems to really mind about my weight. He make comment like when I’m 50kg then we can become official. I’m on diet before I even met him and he knows about it so I’m not sure if he is trying to encourage me or what… I know that something is bothering him the entire week but he doesn’t seem willing to share hence I did not push him but yesterday he suddenly text me saying I should not wait for him. What should I do now? I told him when he is ready or want to make it work then let me know mean while I will be his friend while keeping my opinion open… Should I let him go and stop contacting him?
It sounds like he hasn’t quite gotten over his ex. He may be using any excuse to put some distance between the two of you so that he doesn’t feel as bad about breaking up with you (if that is what he is doing, it didn’t sound very clear).
I would continue to work on becoming a better person and, as you were doing before, continuing to work on your weight. Don’t change for him, but change for you. I would let him have as much space as he desires, but (unless you are tired of him) I wouldn’t shut him out. Both of you need to want it for this relationship to work. If he comes back, great, but I wouldn’t suggest planning your life around it. It might happen, it might not.
Be strong, I believe things will eventually work out in the end. Know that my best wishes are with you.
Thank you so much, what I do not know and I would’ve wanted to know is if he actually left me because we didn’t have any intimacy , or you know what I mean? before I cut him off he said this The biggest thing I have issues with is the long distance,Another thing that makes me think that is that your very square or literal…not sure if that makes sense and where I am not….but maybe that’s a good thing.
But I think as for me I am not wanting a relationship at this moment, I want to concentrate on work and continuing my studies. So it could be just my mind thinking in that state of not wanting a relationship making me think it wouldn’t work.
I truly am attracted to you both physically and emotionally. The physical is strong but the emotional needs to grow by spending time together….
I don’t know if he meant this because all of the problems that we had that we were constantly fighting or well not fighting but frustrated 🙁 or what if he has someone else (when I asked him why he changed) he said that he had more responsibilities, new experiences and a wider change of knowledge?
I do want to mention Mr. Philosiblog, that he at first mentioned to me that he wanted me to move in (which I am a bit reluctant with that) and we had sort a fight before he came because I am a bit different , and we were discussing about cultures and he got to the conclusion that it was maybe just here because back in his place they move in before they get “engaged” ,
Could this have been the problem , I mean we had a Long distance relationship for 3 years , I don’t know what happened
Thanks so much , Bless your heart
Well, it sounds like you’ve got the lines of communication opened up. It sounds like the basics of some of your problems are now being discussed, and issues are being resolved. That’s a huge step forward.
As for moving in with him, if I understand this correctly, he wants to go straight from long-distance to co-habitation? That’s probably a little quick, but it is something you will have to determine. That will depend on what you feel, not towards him, but about the move. If you’re not comfortable with it, talk to him about it, and see if he’s willing to wait a few months before taking that step (or whatever time frame you are comfortable with).
It sounds like you’re off to a good start. My only recommendation would be to not go too fast, just to please him. Be true to yourself first, and the rest will follow.
Hello,
I have been with my partner for seven years, things were going great recently no problems. However a bit of background he lives with some of his family here and they have always has an issue with me (not sure why) anyways he moved out with me last year and when I got home for work yesterday he broke up with me and moved back to his old house.
He said he wasn’t in love with me a d he knew he didn’t want to marry me so he wasn’t satisfied. He said he felt bad because when he saw the way I looked at him he knew I loved him so much. This breaks my heart, because I obviously want him back.
I feel so stupid because I begged him to stay but he wouldn’t. We’ve had this sort of the happen a year or so ago but he stayed. He said he’s been trying for years to love me back but he just can’t. He said he loves me like a good friend. Is there a way I can get him back ? What do I do ? He is such an amazing person, everyone thinks so. I don’t want to be without him. Do I make contact or do I let him go ? It’s so hard. I’ve been physically sick since this happened. I guess maybe because its still raw but how do I heal my heart ? Everyone thought we were so happy and good together.
“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”
Hi Philosiblog,
Thank you for holding up this blog, reading through it has really cleared things for me on true love and that it’s not owned, nor, it cannot be taken but is truly given by another. And if you love someone you really have to let him or her choose: “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” Two sides of true love must happen if it’s really meant to last that lifetime. I understand now how my partner sees that my true love for him never existed and why he gave up on me today. I hurt the one I love deeply two years ago, I realized too late what I really had and what I wanted out of him would have come in time. He broke up with me back then and I chose to not give up and to never let go. So after 10 months of intense work I got him back, but not the old him or his whole heart. Looking back at it now, I should have given him space right after I broke his heart, and most importantly for him to come back wanting it too, as much as I did and do. I thought fighting for the one you love was the only answer then; I guess you cleared that when you mentioned in a previous blog that it does not work if the other person is not fighting the storm with you. To some extent I believe he agreed because he was happy to see that the tables have turned and that I was all about the relationship this time around, and was going to provided him with the love he deserved. As time went on he was changing in to the man I want all along, he was more busy with his life and goals except now; I’m no longer the woman he wants because I have not changed. I have, to the point where I would never cheat on him again but I have not done anything to really earn his trust back. He does not trust me at all. Altogether now it’s been almost 2 years and the small things trigger his memory like in our mutual workplace. I thought we have patched the scare, but it seems it’s still fresh, like it happen yesterday. Anyway he wants his freedom and I’m ready to set him free, to see his happiness is all I care about. I hope that one day he may see a greater change in me and we reconnected spiritually. I really love him, and pray to be forgiven, I miss his love. I know I will now have to focus on my life in order to become the best me I can be and be patient. I know he believes in this quote, I just hope I’m on the other side of his rainbow or that he may receive the pot of gold he deserves. Can this happen if we work together? And have I lost him forever?
I have no answers for you. You seem to understand this at least as well as I. You seem to be ready to take the actions I would recommend. There is little I can offer you, except encouragement.
No one knows what the future holds. About the only thing of which we can be reasonably certain is that not letting him go will only drive him away. Whether he comes back or not depends on him wanting to come back, and you becoming someone he would like to be with. I believe you know what to do next.
Be strong, and work on yourself. Not for him, but for you. When the real you comes out, things will improve. It might not be with him, but perhaps someone else. I went through several heart-wrenching breakups before I found my wife. Love will find you, but only when you are ready will it truly reveal itself to you.
Thank you so much for your article philosiblog, I just want to share my experience with you, I met this guy for 3 years over the internet until we met and we both were really attracted to each other, when he came and visit me (he lives 3,000 miles away) everything was a total mess 🙁 the car broke down… we were stuck … got lost etc.. everyday was a very big deal, and he has a really frustrated and with an angry face which when he mentioned “How retarded” I thought it was directed to me and everyday when I saw his cranky face made me extremely frustated and upset since I was the host and I some way or another wanted him to feel happy… he mentioned that it was the language (which here is spanish) and other things that he was not used to that made him act that way.. however I do believe that if you truly are interested in someone you fight for it, ok.. I’ll try to make this story short well he was always the type of guy that if you showed a tiny bit if interest he would act like a toffee nose, and suddenly when I was starting to even forget that he existed he made his interest very clear and always try to compliment me, I thought that was going to change if we met in person since my thoughts were that he probably was confused and so on…well he indeed is my first boyfriend (I’m 23) and he was actually my first kiss.. when he got back to his hometown his behaviour got worse and we no longer spoke to each other everyday, his excuse was that he is trying to focus on his studies and work harder, and that we might be perfect for each other in a future, but prob not at this moment, so I decided to let him go .. what do you think?
I think you have had an interesting start to your romantic life. I like to think of life as an experiment in juggling. How many times do you drop the balls before you get good? You have had one try, and the balls fell down. Pick yourself back up and try again. 8) Life is about learning, and you are on that path.
It sounds like he’s done with you, so let him be. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you deserve the best. Throw that one back and get back to fishing. Eventually you will catch a ‘keeper.’ But until then, use each experience as a learning experience, and get better and better.
Hi again. I told you about my situation while back how I’ve been dating this 42 yr old man for almost a year. (I am 39.) And I thought we would have future together but he says that it’s getting too serious for him and he can’t be in this kind of relationship with anyone. And recently he decided that he can’t be with me. But everytime when he has seen me ever since he has been huggy and kissy. I decided to keep my distance for him and when had not heard from me for few days he went looking for me with cats and dogs. Called me, texted me, called my work, emailed my friend and my mom asking has anyone heard anything from me since it is not like me to be this quiet. I know he cares about me a lot, I think he even loves me but he is not capable of saying it out loud nor admitting it to himself. I told him recently that he loves me, and I love him and we should be together. He went all quiet. Normally silence is yes, right? But he has decided that it’s too serious and is now pursueing less serious relationships I guess. This absolutely breaks my heart because everything was so good between us. We had lots of fun. There were no complaints. We had couple arguments here and there and mostly it was that he needed a space. I gave it to him. I never pressured him to marry me or to have kids with me. Never mentioned moving-in together. Unless my behavior said opposite, I don’t know. I’ve been so good to him. I don’t cheat, he said it is so big he can trust me 100%, I am funny, loving and everything girl should be. So why in the world we are not together? I told him him that grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, and if he wants to explore those 3-5 month relationships, go ahead. But at the end of the day he will be a very lonely man. I feel he is so stubborn and immature that he just doesn’t see things like they should be seen.I wish he will realize that he is making mistake. I can’t obviously change his mind. But after all what has happened my intution is so strong that I feel one day he will come back knocking at my door. I have been told that my prayers will be answered that would be it that we will be together again.
The other thing is that I applied for American Airlines flight attendant school in Dallas, Texas. He read it on Facebook. He called me next day asking what the heck was this flight attendant thing all about. That I have friends and family here who love me. That he doesn’t think it would be a good idea and just looking after me. Then he was asking when am I going to bring my car over to get it fixed. Said on Wednesday ’cause Thursday I got plans. And he is all curious what kind of plans I have. I just said plans. And he keeps asking what kind of plans etc. I feel like he wants to keep me around but because of his commitment issues he just can’t be with me because I want a serious relationship and not just a hoohaa 4-month deal. My friends say that he is selfish, it’s all about him, he is immature. What do you think? What am I supposed to do now? I obviously won’t hang out at home but it is so hard when your heart is wrapped around this person. And knowing that I didn’t develop all these feelings toward him if I didn’t get same kind of feelings in return. Please help me. Thank you!
From your description, it sounds like he’s having a mid-life crisis. You didn’t mention his past, if he is recently out of a long term relationship, but that would be my guess from his behavior. It will take him some time to get things his act together.
It sounds like he liked the easy-going relationship, but started to feel (whether it was from you or from his expectation of the trajectory of a relationship) that things were getting too serious.
What would I do? I’d give him the space, but clearly communicate with him what your rules are. You need to take care of yourself, and that does not include being yanked around by his insecurities and uncertainties. Let him know that you are willing to allow him his space, but that you need space as well. Come to some agreement on what is an appropriate amount of contact. E-mail, phone, text. How often and when.
It sounds like he’s used to getting his way. He may not appreciate assertiveness, but I believe you need to take care of you first. It looks like you’re doing some things to explore yourself and improve yourself. There’s nothing like travel to add some excitement to your life. However, from what I understand, being a flight attendant is not exactly vacation style travel, even with layovers.
Be strong, and continue to take care of yourself. Everything else will fall into place, eventually. At least that is my belief.
Well, we were together for a year and now he wants out. That was his longest relationship for a while. In the past they have been cpl months long. But he sticked with me for a year. I know he is chatting with someone now. And I told him he was making the biggest mistake because the grass is not greener on the other side. But I can’t put thoughts into his head. I know he loves me but for some reason is so scared when things gets too serious. Just like you said. But time will tell. I still believe he will come back to me. But in the meantime, I will explore my life.
Thanks for sharing with us. It’s not always easy, but that’s life. Stay focused on taking care of you, and the rest will sort itself out. My thoughts are with you, stay strong!
Thank you so much Philosiblog, what if my ex still messaging me on facebook, greeting me on valentines, still reminiscing our past but don’t want to work out on fixing things up, he said he need time for himself, and he want me to stand by.. is it better to not answer him anymore and set him free by not letting me express my true feeling ( I’m so hurt but I’m still here for him)and block him, or do I have to be patient and let things and time work for us?
It is hard to say what is the best course. He obviously has some issues he needs to work through. The question is what are you going to do in the mean time? Do you want to end it, try to keep it alive, or perhaps just let it be? He has put you in control. You need to do what is right for you. That includes balancing between your heart and your head. What you want, what you need, and what you long for are probably three different things.
Personally, I would take the path that does the least damage to the relationship (if you desire the possibility of reconciliation) and spend the time working on improving yourself.
The path forward is not going to be easy, but it is always possible to make decisions that make it harder. Try to keep some space, and work on yourself. What will happen will happen. When you think you and he are ready, give it a try. Until then, take it easy and see what develops.
thank you so much, it means a lot to me, so I just have to do what is right and not listen for what I feel,, I wonder how unconditional love will do, and I know that sometimes it is easier to make new relationships than to fix the old one… maybe it’s all in God s hands. but thank you , so much this experince is giving me nightmares every night with him not wanting him. now I just really have to work on myself
Thanks for listening, but allow me to clarify. I don’t want you to ignore your feelings. What I want you to do is have your feelings take a back seat, and leave the driving to your logic and pragmatic side. You should always give some consideration from what your feelings, but I would advise against allowing your feelings to make the decisions for you.
Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.
Thanks philosiblog! 🙂
Maybe it won’t really work, not until he’s already willing to fight for me and for the relationship if ever. But he has really strict parents, I don’t know if there will be any chance that he will go against on what his’ parents want and instilled on him. Even though I’m still hopeful that one day we’ll find a way on how to make it work, like communicate with his parents and so, maybe it’s better to just let it go for now. We’ve both decided to be friends starting today, it’s just hard to bear everyday thinking and feeling that things aren’t the same as it was yesterday.
Thanks much again 🙂
It looks like you have found the wisdom behind the quote, at least as I understand it. Breaking up is never fun, but if you can keep a friendly relationship going in the mean time, perhaps he will find a way to cut the apron strings and make his own decisions. I wish you all the best.
Hi– I have just come out of a 6 year relationship- living together, he told me that he no longer loves me and doesnt see a future with me– i find this all very confusing as he sold his house so we could move closer to my family, he has taken me overseas numerous times and our families were very close – he changed about 6 months ago, he used to be very emotional and all that and become this complete different person, not only towards me towards everyone- we had an amzing time in Dec and were even planning an overseas trip in March- the night before he asked me to leave he told me he loves me– when i ask what the reasons are he says he wishes he knew–Iknow for a fact there is no one else -he keeps telling me to move on, and if its meant to be it will be- if I dont contact him he sends me text messages to have a good day etc he has also just lost his job– he recently put an eye with a tear on his status and a blckhole- when I asked why he did that he says he has no reason and it meant nothing??I think he may be going through a mid life crisis he is 42 or through major deppression– I just dont know how to handle the situation any advise PLEASE
Sounds like he’s going through a rough time of some sort. I have no way of knowing whether it’s work related, if it’s a mid-life crisis or if it’s something more serious. I would recommend you try to talk to him about what might have caused the change, but be prepared to be rebuffed. Guys generally don’t like to talk about that sort of stuff. In fact, it may well be the reason why he is pushing you away, so that he doesn’t have to talk about it.
That he wants out is pretty obvious. Why he does, that is the question. You may never get a satisfactory answer. Stay strong, and take care of yourself first. If you can help him, good. If not, understand that there is only so much you can do.
Thanks so much for the quick response ! We have met numerous times for us to discuss what went wrong and why, yet he keeps telling me he wishes he knew and if its meant to be it will be. What exactly does that mean. I love this man so much, he has hardly any friends and just keeps saying he wants to be alone. Is he playing mind games by sending me messages all the time asking how I am?? I mean really how can I be? Do u think we have a chance of being together or do I just ignore him and let go ??
Wow, I wish I knew. Until he gets things squared away at his end, I don’t see how you can be of much help. I might suggest that you consider how to remain in touch, but it looks like he wants some space for now.
While he is sorting his life out and working on himself, I would recommend you do the same. Yes, you care for him, so you will spend some time thinking of him and being concerned for him. But I implore you to not put your life on hold and center yourself around his needs. You have needs as well, and I believe they must be your primary focus.
It won’t be easy, but I believe you can do it. You just have to stay strong, and know that there are people who are in your corner and wishing you all the best.
Thanks a lot !! My head is telling me to forget him and just let him go_ my heart is telling me to not give up- somehow I believe we meant to be together forever– maybe I am living in a dream world- I know that nobody has the answers except him. Just wish there was an easier way to make things right !!
You can do both, up to a point. Keep him in your heart, you don’t have to hate him, right? But focus, for the moment at least, on yourself, and work on you, not him.
Keep up the good work, and remember there will be good days and bad days. Life is like that. Persevere.
In my case, it has yet even been a start..
I saw this guy’s DP on facebook (we have NO common friends or whatsoever) I thought he was cute and that was it. Then on one fine day, I caught him on the street. We were just randomly walking passed each other. This world is actually smaller then I thought. Well, my country might be not that big, or I mean, my city is just the same size of a tiny bean..
Not saying that I am a popular girl. But I obviously have quite a lot of random admirers. I am a mid-twenty girl but I don’t think I have had any kind of committed or serious relationships. It comes to the point that I actually think there might be some problems with me. I just cannot accept any men.. There’s nothing regarding the look, or background, or money.. It’s simple that I do not have any sort of those butterflies feelings with them. I am a quite driven girl, I do know what I want most of the time.. so I better have the right thing, or nothing at all.. Staying true to myself is that’s all I could really do..
Saying this much, I just want to make it clear that how strongly I know where I am heading to when it comes to love matter..
But somehow for this literal stranger, I’ve developed such a strong feeling and strangely, I got some high expectation for a stable relationship with that guy (Yes, I am still talking about a stranger I’ve met a few times on the street)
I guess I have become a stalker. I did everything I could to get in contact with his friends, I found out where he possibly worked at, I waited at the same place we last met for hours, hoping I could catch a glimpse of him.. And now it is confirmed that he’s already in a relationship with one of the hottest girl I’ve ever met in town..
I do sound like I am a desperate psycho lol.. When I found out about his girlfriend couple days ago, it’s also the day I got hired in my dream company located in a different State. I’m moving to a whole new place in couple weeks..
Everything I need now is TIME, I reckon..
My heart is broken into a thousand pieces because of a random dude.. Very nice..
He doesn’t even know my existence .. Even better for my fairy-tale story lol
I’m, planning to work there for at least 4 years..
I saw this quote last night and it was somewhat helpful..
Maybe after 4 years, if the guy’s still there, if he’s single again, and if I’m still alive, I could just go check if he’s actually mine.. You reckon??
Life can be like that sometimes. It sounds like you have little to lose, so why don’t you introduce yourself to him? You don’t have to go into the stalking part. 8)
Who knows, he may be looking to get out of the relationship, or even the city. If nothing else, you can always follow up on FB and see if you can be a friend.
Congratulations on the new job, and good luck with the guy!
Hi, Ive been dating this guy for about a year he respected me and loved me but for some reason we had to break up. we still we keep in touch , now im in a relationship for 2 years but i still love my ex. im not that 100 percent happy with my current bf , . we still contact each other me and my ex . i dont know what to do i dont want to decide the wrong man . help me pls
That’s a sticky situation. If the ex isn’t ready, and you’re in another relationship, you should let the ex go. If you can’t, then you should let the current guy go. Trying to work both of them at the same time isn’t fair to either of the guys, nor is it the best thing for you. Take some time, and consider what you want to do. You might also want to talk to each of the guys and figure out where you stand with each of them. But I believe you should make up your mind as to whether you are serious about your ex, or whether you will let him go.
Hi philosiblog!
I’m in a very hard situation of accepting the fact that I have to let go of someone. This guy’s a baptist and I’m a catholic, and he’s pretty sure there wouldn’t be really a future for the both of us. He has very strict parents, reared in a very conservative family, and a pure baptist. He explained to me that it is not just as simple as me, being converted as a baptist as well, because even if I do, still, his parents won’t allow him to have a relationship with someone who’s not a pure baptist.
I’m just in the stage of confusion why he wnet back. We were actually in a relationship 2 years ago. The relationship was really through rocks, we don’t see each other that much, there are even times when I don’t get to talk or text him because of certain reasons (e.g family). After 7 months, the relationship ended because he was not able to graduate, so he was grounded, and was already suspected having relationship with a girl. For the reason that we won’t be able to talk to each other anymore, he just decided to break up with me. I was really in devastation that time, I was left confused on what really happened and why it have to end. We never had a chance to talk things over since his cellphone was confiscated. But one thing’s clear, it was over. Had a hard time coping up with the situation, it really broke my heart. We did not have any communication, facebook, texts or whatsoever and that lasted for 1 year and 6 months. And then suddenly, ‘coz of a friend who’s the same person that led him to me, and me to him, we had the chance to communicate again through text. And it felt like all the feelings are back again. We were both really happy, I know, and we even have more than just mutual understanding. We’re like boyfriend-girlfriend just except that we decided not to get into the formal relationship. But everything seems right, we’re both happy and in love with one another. It’s been 6 months from then, and now, I have to face the pain of losing him again. We had a chance to talk about what’s really in store for us, but it felt like there’s really none. He’s telling me that no matter what we do, the relationship cannot be. He’s a baptist and I’m a catholic; parent’s would not accept even conversion if in any case. We’re in the point of really accepting that there’s no sense in continuing what we have started since we’ll just have to end it again sooner or later. I’m in the stage of wondering why he has to come back and then just have to leave me again. Will he come back for the third time around? It hurts the most when everything feels just so right, you both love each other so deeply, but it just cannot be. I’m wondering if you still see hope in our situation? I don’t know whether to hope or to just let go.
Thank you so much for taking time to read.
It sounds like his family has made the decision for him. Until he is willing to step clear of them and make his decision, I don’t see how you will ever convince his parents (based on the information you provided). It seems, sadly, to be just that simple.
I don’t see how it can be made to work. If you can handle being just friends with him, and move on with your life, it might be a great friendship. If it causes too much pain, you will probably have to just let him go.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s what I see, based on your comment. It won’t be easy, but if you stay strong and true to yourself, your heart will heal. Eventually.
i just broke up with my boyfriend for 7 months yesterday. We met online and had long distance relationship. I ever lied to him but he is forgave me and give me second chance. i know that we love each other so much and we talk about our future together. sometime when he is busy with his school or project he is become so cold to me. And he will ignore me, its make us fight and argue, yeah im so childish and needy. Before break up i call him and text him all the time but he is not respond he said he is busy study for exam. then after a week suddenly he respond and said he dont love me anymore and im such a burden for him. I ask him, since when he dont love me, he said he dont know maybe last week. that time when he is avoid me, because of his exam. i love him so much, and im not sure he dont love me because i know he love me so much. Does he tired of my needy behaviour? Or maybe he just angry to me? Now i become friend with him, how to get him back?
The only thing I can be sure of is that he isn’t interested in the same kind of relationship. He has left, and that is the situation you find yourself in at the moment.
As for how to get him back, I don’t know. One possible way is to try to entice him the same way as when you first met. If he came on to you, that probably won’t work.
While you try to figure out how you plan to move forward with your attempts to get him to come back, consider working on yourself, and growing as a person. You cited some things you did that annoyed him. I doubt he wants back into a relationship where you will do the exact same things all over again, right? Consider what you can do to improve yourself. A better you might be part of what he is looking for.
This will be a rough time for you, and I wish you all the best as you work your way through it.
He contact me yesterday… He ask if i have new boyfriend or not? And he ask if i talk to another guy. i answer no, the last guy i have contact was him. But he not believe me, and then now he avoid me again?
He said bad word to me
What does it mean?
I’m not sure what it means, but it sounds like he has some serious problems. It sounds like he will continue to behave this way until he matures. There is no telling how long that will take, as there are completely grown men that still act that way. I would say that it is not a very good sign. Ask yourself if you want to put up with being treated this way for the rest of your life, or if you are better off looking for someone who will treat you better.
In the end, it will be your decision, but I think you know what is best for you, even if it gives you some pain in the mean time.
My boyfriend and I have had a solid relationship for almost 7 years. We met when I was 15 and he was 17. He became so close to my family, and I to his. (He has always said that people in his family don’t bring a girl or guy home to meet the family unless they intend to marry them.) He was always a kind and compassionate person but the last few years I noticed him drawing back from me a lot. He openly expressed that he fears the idea of marriage because it is so permanent and he wants to be absolutely sure before he proposes. Even though we have talked about marriage before and he told me more than once he wanted to marry me one day. He even started taking my father out to get to know him better. However, he started spending a lot more time without me, mostly with his buddies at bars. They became much more of a priority over me and it caused a lot of issues. In the past 6 months we would fight a lot about this and he would tell me I’m being demanding and controlling over him. The fight that finally broke the straw off the camels back was when I asked him politely to just spend one saturday night with me watching a movie. He absolutely refused and it broke my heart. The next day he told me he needed space and that I was pressuring him too much. He told me we weren’t on the same page with our feelings for one another and that he needed time to think, but knows we will be together again someday. It took me by surprised and of course I was devastated. I wasn’t sure what else to do, so I let him go and have the space he needed. It’s been a little over a month now and he hasn’t contacted me. I’m trying to move on with my life and am open to meeting new people but fear the thought of him never coming back. We have been through so much together. Do you believe there will ever be a chance of him coming back? And if he does is it truly meant to be? Or will he just get scared all over again?
There truly is no way to tell, besides waiting for things to clear up. I know that’s not much help, but that is the truth.
He will be ready when he is ready. In the mean time, I would recommend you continue with your life. Continue to grow and experience new things. If something develops with someone else, you will need to consider what that does with your other relationship. If he is seen with others, you will have to decide what that does to that relationship.
The one thing I would recommend against is simply sitting by the phone, with your life on hold, waiting for him to call back. This will be a rough time, and my thoughts and best wishes will be with you, as you sort this all out.
Hello,
I am replying to this comment a few months later because I thought I would let you and everyone else know that the title of this article is sincerely true, and it ended up working out for me. My boyfriend came back almost 2 months later crying, even with a ring. Our relationship is now better then ever. Those 2 months were a struggle for me, but I completely cut off all contact since the day we broke up and didnt force anything. It allowed him time to realize his mistake and know that we are truly meant to be! Everyone is different but sometimes I believe you have to allow things to just be in order to learn and grow. Thanks again
Thanks for sharing your results. I’m glad things worked out for you. And that’s the beauty of the quote, it is self supporting.
However, the quote makes no guarantee of the future. People change constantly, and if a couple doesn’t put any effort into growing together, odds are they will grow apart. You have completed the first step of a very long journey. I wish you all the best, and urge you to stay strong and to continue to work on your life, both as an individual and as a couple.
Life’s journey is rarely smooth, so it is (in my opinion) of great benefit to make a sturdy foundation for yourself as a person, and for your relationship as well.
Okay, so here is my story.
I have known and loved a girl since my 10th grade. For the first few years, we were sort of on again-off again relationship because she needed time to clear things with her ex and I was away to another city during high school. But we used to talk a lot.
After we got into college,we got back together. But I was still away, in a different college. For the last three years we have been together. Our colleges are a 12 hour ride apart and I used to go to meet her every other weekend.
Fast forwarding to what happened 3 months ago, is that she lied to me about a very small issue but I made into a big thing and told her I need some time off till you gain back my trust.
I was very rude to her and made her cry several times, which I shouldn’t have. But slowly things were getting back to normal, suddenly one night we had a big fight on phone and I made her cry again.
We didn’t speak to each other for like 10 days. After that I felt guilty and I called her and wanted to make things right. She on the other hand said to me that she has moved on now and she interested in someone else, like a rebound thing or something.
I even went to her college to meet her, but she didn’t want to see me. She even changed her number, blocked me from Facebook.
Although she does calls me up from her old number when something serious comes up like family issues etc. I even talked to her about what is she doing with the new guy and all, to which she replied I know I won’t feel for anyone else like I did for you, And I know its a rebound thing and all.
I am heartbroken, filled with regret. She is my only love and I have known her since my childhood. I mean every body deserves a second chance, right?
Its been 6 years since we have known each other, how can it be so easy for her to leave me like this. I never left her. Is this just a temporary thing? Does she just wants some space for some time or what?
I can wait for her as long as she wants me to.
But tell me what do you think?
Sadly, I do not know the answers to the questions. Even worse, I don’t think the girl knows either. Time will tell.
In the mean time, you need to continue to work on yourself, your studies and your life. You will have to determine how many of her phone calls you will take, as she seems to be using you for a very one-sided relationship. Yes, it leaves the door open for the future, but in the mean time, it leaves your heart raw and bleeding. You are the only one who can determine what you believe is the most appropriate path.
Odds are that it will get worse before it gets better, but you will survive. My thoughts and best wishes will be with you as you work your way through this challenging portion of your relationship.
She called last night!!!
We chit chatted for like 30 min. Just casual stuff.
What does this mean? I mean What the hell is she doing?
She calls me up from the old number, talks to me and changes back the number. I mean don’t I get a say in this?
I feel handicapped. More importantly, is she on her way back to me?
PS : It felt very content after talking to her.
Congratulations on making contact and keeping it relaxed.
What does it mean? I have no idea. You’d get a much more useful answer from her.
As for whether she is in the process of heading back to you, again, I don’t know. However, you have opened the door for her to step forward. I would advise against rushing or pushing her. Consider it more like trying to get a cat to come in. What can you do to entice her? What can you do to help her make the decision you would like for her to make?
Most importantly, you’re feeling good about this first step. It will take many more steps, and she may not be willing to take them all, just yet. Keep working on becoming the best person you can be, and see what happens.
Okay! so after few days of talking and convincing, the bottom line is that in coming months if she realizes that she loves me and only me, then there is a chance of us getting back together. I have got to pray that she does realize that without me being in touch with her and she being involved with that rebound guy.
Its an uphill faith to keep.
But they say, If its love, no matter what it stays love.
tell me something on how to keep my faith going strong?
Personally, I don’t like to set myself up for even the possibility of failure. There is always the possibility, however slim, that she will not chose to come back. Think of the disappointment you would feel if that were to happen. Instead, I would stay focused on improving yourself, becoming a better person, the best possible person you can be at the moment.
Understand that the decision is hers and hers alone. You have no power to force her to do anything. I would focus on her making the best possible decision for her, for her future and her sake. If that includes you, wonderful. If not, at least she will be in the best place for her at this time.
In this way, no matter what, you have won. Even if you don’t get the girl, you have helped her find herself and move to the next part of her life. While the rewards aren’t as great, there is a satisfaction that will come with time.
It’s not easy at the time, but life will go on, and you will remember her far more fondly than if you expect her to come back and she does not. Which path better serves her, and which path better serves you? I hope you have reached the same conclusion that I did so many years ago, and help her find her best path forward, for her sake.
Really Good article, Grattitude!! I(26) met this wonderful female(23) last year in september an we were friends/dating for about 3-4 months, an the feeling she felt for me were really strong, but she wasnt ready to tell me that she loved me or that she really liked me,but she would always say I feel so comfortable around you,its like I can talk to about anything an it feels like Ive known you for years.. I mean she met when I just moved, had no employment, she would drive me places by me food etc.. (no sex was invovled, I just believe in waiting till Im married an she knew that).. Now you would think that I would take all that as she cared but instead deep inside I was jus waiting for something to go wrong,an sometimes she I would get angry at her for reasons that werent valid,an she still cared alot never diminished until one day I text her on facebook ( had no cell or house phone) After she text me I know your goin through something right now but I want you to know that Im just a phone call away an A house down(yes she lived a house down wit her aunt an I lived in a house with my mother my sisters an borthers).. before I tell u what I text, I’ll say that through the time when we were together I was afraid of getting hurt again an I would try to find ways, to myself, to show she didnt care an that she only liked me cause I can sing an Im a singer/songwriter plus I was angry that I could find work an at times cause she was doing so much for felt usless to her.. Now back to what I test, I text back an said If u really cared you would find come to my house an find out whats wrong with me( she had stop coming to my house cause an incident had occured between my mother an her aunts friend that was living with us at the time cause she didnt have enough room long story short my had to end upasking her to leave, so she wasnt coming to the house cause she said she wanted things to die down with her aunt) I think you should just do your own thing take care of your son an move on all will be alright, she text back reall mad an hurt.. after that she picked me up an we went to a park so we can talk as she went off on me like Ive never seen before, last thing she said was i still want us to be friends but we need alot of work in order to ber together an that words cut deep so me apologizing is not gonna just the wound I cause heal.. Im a real idoit I know, But we still speak i sometimes she comes here or i see her but i cant tell If she loves me the same way, she did text me she loved for the first time after what happened but she wont show me how much she cares an frankly I dont know if she does.. its funny cause thing happened after I hurt her like metting her mom,an her son her texting me she loves, an she even likes me to watch her son for an hour 3 days out of the week even though her cousin gets paid to watch him.. this past valentines day I wrote an recorded her a song an bought her somethings, afterwards she came to my house an smiling thanking me for the song sayin it was the best gift anybodies ever given her (her birthday is the next day also so she counts it has a valentine/birthday gift) an she huged me an talk for a bit, an she looked surprized when I told her I loved her,( she didnt say it back though) then I said Im always think about you she said yea right, but when I said Im just waiting for u heart to love me, she suck her teeth started smilling an walk back to her car( she was smiling alot as she was leaving cause I kept telling her I loved her… Do you think she still loves me?? an I just gotta be patient an an let her come back to me on her on or should i just stop trying to show that i love her an stp trying to get her back.?. I know this was very long an thank you if you read it…
Here’s a question for you. You have spent a great deal of time explaining all this to me, have you explained all of this to her? You are asking me a question for which I have no answer. I believe it would do you far more good to ask the question of her.
Just remember that love has many degrees and flavors, and that she may not love you with the same flavor or intensity that you love her. Because of that, I would avoid asking the question in a yes/no format, but instead explain where you are coming from, and ask her to do the same.
Also try to keep in mind that if she isn’t as sure as you are, that she may change her mind over time. It sounds like you are far more ready for the relationship than she is, so you may have to wait for her. It may take a while. But you won’t know until you ask.
Philosiblog,
In reference to the comment in which I posted on February 5th. My situation remains the same, we still text here and there but I don’t see any progress. It has been about 2 months already since I came back in her life. I feel she has lost that fire and ambition inside her in order to push for something with me. It is killing me to keep being here, trying day in and day out. I feel like I have given my all, I’m mentall exhausted. We have gone out on three outtings, but she is still with the other guy. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. If you can steer me in the right direction. I just want to know whether to close the chapter and move on with my life.
My advice to you would be to continue with your life. You must continue to develop and grow as an individual, or you become stale or unhealthy.
As for closing the chapter, I would let her chose that part of it. Let her know how you feel, and that you are at the end of your rope. She needs to make a decision, and once she has, your path should be clear.
It will be a rough patch for you either way, so stay strong. My best thoughts and wishes will be with you in this difficult time.
I had a situation where I met this awesome Australian girl in Laos when I was travelling and she was everyhing i could ever hope for in a girl, funny, sexy, cute great for a laugh. As we were travelling diff directions we only had a short period of time together but i knew i tried to pursue this girl it would end in the way you stated to try and possess love would push it away. What we had was special as it was and went our separate ways but stayed in contact for a full 2 years. I ended up getting a job in France and she was working in London after we finished travelling. A few weeks back she contacted me wanting to visit. She came out to Paris and we had a great 2 days. However it was only on the final day she told me she had a boyfriend that I had been on her mind for so long and because i didnt act she thought i didnt care but now it was too late. If you love someone and let it go, it may come back to you only to remind you that you should have acted sooner. The foundation of this quote is sound though. People have to be free to choose to love, you cant force someone to love you. Cheers for the insight.
Take heart. It sounds like she now knows of your feelings. Not all relationships are forever, and her present boyfriend might not last. And now you are on her radar, should she begin looking again. Keep in touch, and see what develops. You never know…
Thank you! I needed this, my girl and I just broke up. I love her unconditionally. We’ve been together for five years. Been dating since high school. We had or ups and downs but we never cheated on one another. Our attitudes always clashed because we act alike. I broke up with her before because of it but we stayed friends. I lived the single life for a couple months and I realized what I had with her. She had problems with trusting that I wasn’t going to leave her again because she hurt so much and my attitude was an issue. I calmed down and controlled my temper but her’s stayed but our fights lasted long. We became bestfriends and are closer than family. She loves me and knows I love her but I understand her doubts. She’s confused just like I was early on. Its hard to just let someone go that you are in love with and know its mutual but I have to be mature and give her the oppurtunity that I had. We’re still young and are barely reaching our 20’s. Can you give me your insight on the situation?
It took you time to grow, and it will take her time to grow. One thought is to talk to her about your experience and see what you can do to help her understand. But you must understand that we all must all take life’s journey at our own pace. When she is ready, she will take that step.
I wish you all the best as you two sort this out. Let her know that you’ve been through something similar, and that you’re willing to help, and be prepared to wait until she is ready.
Hi i have a different story! my boyfriend broke up with me in November i still miss him extremely bad. We was together 6 years all the way through high school so we have the same friends.. i begged him back for two months and he wouldnt come back at all. Kept telling me he needed time.
So here is what happened in july he had a fight with my brother (which stoled off him) so my brother took charges out on him and my family was backing my brother for everything. Which this made him lose a great job. So he started hating my family.
I miss him terribly much i have told him how i feel about him over and over.Every since we have broken i have heard that he drinks alot and he got new friends that he didnt hang out with when we was together. i have met him a couple times but he gets mad when he finds out i have been with other guys but as just friends just hanging out. My sister texted him asking him whhat he was going to do and he said he wasnt coming back. i need advice what do i do?
On valentines day he texted me and said happy valentines day good looking. He acts like it dont even bother him about our break up. I am in school so i am going through a rough time. When i started school he put my cell on his plan which he is still paying for my phone bill. I have not heard anyhting fom him in about a week. I love him so much and i dont understand why he left because of my family.
That’s a sad story. Unfortunately, until he wants back into the relationship, there isn’t much you can do.
Something you should ask him to clear up is his conflicting responses. If he has no claim on you, why does he get mad when he sees you with other guys? Ask him to make a choice, that he should either hold you, or let you go. Be sure you are prepared for either answer.
Regardless of his answer, you have to keep moving forward with your life. You must continue to grow, you must continue to improve. A flower cannot grow in a cave. You must get out and be in the fresh air and the sunshine. It might be with him, and it might be without him, but you cannot stay a prisoner in a cave.
I wish you all the best as you prepare for asking him this question, and for living your life on your terms. It will take strength, but I believe you can do it.
hi, i’ve just broke up with my ex girlfriend. (She broke up with me.) We have been together for about 2 years. the reason why we broke up is, because i lied to her many times about going out with my friends and i didn’t told her, and she found out and i promised her to change my personality but after a few weeks i become jealous and sensitive again. for what i’ve learnt from this broke up i really made a big mistake, it’s not her fault it’s all my fault. she gave me lots of chances but i broke it.
i would just like to know, is there any chance for us to get back together or we could be friend?
the reason why im not sure it’s because when we are together, she said she wont be together with her ex once we broke up or even be friend, she said why should i ? and her friend told me the same question, once she made up her mind, she would nvr turn back again. i know that she said this, but i just like to know will there be a change in her mind ? because those things she said it’s just words, will there be a chances maybe i could get back with her in the future ?
Sorry.
While I’m not a fortune teller, it seems like she is pretty sure about how she wants to deal with her former boyfriends.
That said, one can always try. However, the first thing to do is to fix the problem which lead to the breakup in the first place. No one who has left a bad situation wants to go back to that bad situation. If you can make good on your promises and change your ways, you stand a better chance, however slim that chance may be. It won’t be easy, but at the very least you will end up with a better you as a starting point for the rest of your life.
I wish you all the best as you start on this new chapter in your life.
hello, Im going through it! i think its my real first love bc im in so much pain i have been with this guy 1 year & 2 months we have been through so so much we lived together at one point he has had his own place for 7momths now and i have been waiting and waiting on him to come bk ive let go a few times but he always comes after me a i keep accepting him he still lives m his own homw and i stay in mine he just moved another female in with hom but still comes around telling me how much he loves me i love him so much and im lost on what to do bc like i said i leave him alone and its like now he comes around more iv tried moving on with soneone else but he my ex comes bk crying telling me he cant see me with someone else what am i to do bc im tired of all the hurt and pain
It sounds like he is having trouble making up his mind. He is living with another girl, but gets upset when he sees you with someone else? He needs to get his act together! Love has many aspects, and one of those is trust. If he wants you, he needs to give up the other(s). Let him know the choice is his, but to chose wisely.
I wish you all the best as you try to sort out what (and whom) your future holds. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself. In all likelihood, it will get worse before it gets better. Know that, understand it, and keep your head up.
hey, i was deeply and faithfully in love with a lady………and all i wanted was to marry her,have children and live happily with her till death set us apart…….she knew all this but when we disagreed on a matter which was quite micro all she told me was to move on…she doesnt explain to me anything maturely,we have already some weeks of silence……….
That is a problem with communication. You think it happened, she thinks it happened, but in reality, neither really understood.
What is ‘micro’ to you, may be very important to her. Or perhaps she has been looking to break away for a while, and this was as good of an excuse as any. I have no way of knowing.
I wish you all the best in your future, but it appears your future will be without her. If she doesn’t want to come back, you are pretty much out of options.
Hello. I’ve been going out with this guy for almost a year. We have had cpl occasions when he has said it is getting too serious for him. First one was, when I was gone for 3 wks due to my trip. He was acting so weird, didn’t want to have anything to do with me. But things returned to normal after the week. Latest one was 3 wks ago. He said again it was getting too serious, he wasn’t able to be in the serious relationship with anyone. He spent a fortune for Christmas presents for me. How come someone wants to spend that much money on the person if he didn’t want her to be in his life. We haven’t spend any time for about 3 wks. In his mind we broke up but his words and actions don’t go hand in hand. Because when he saw me at the grocery store a week ago, he was kissing me and hugging me and it looked like we were together. And I told him that it should not be like this. If two people care for each other so much, then they should be together. And he says, it would not be fair to be. Well, what is not fair is what I just said before. In my mind we belong together. We are a great match. I love him. And I would not have developed these feelings if I didn’t get same kind of feelings in return. I just don’t know what to do. My friends said that you should disappear for a while. Don’t post anything on FB etc It is so hard. I just wish he would be able to face his committment issues because that’s what I believe it is. What am I suppose to be doing? I am not going to give up on us. Should I just give him this space and see where the things will go? I need some serious advice. Thank you!
I will help you as best I can, but I cannot be certain that I will be serious. 8)
You know what you want, and how badly you want it. From what you describe, he isn’t as sure. Yes he want you, but (like most men) there is some concern about being committed. I imagine he will eventually come around, but this is life, and there are no guarantees.
I would try to find out what exactly (and honestly – he may be a bit embarrassed to tell the truth) what worries him about committing to being with you. If you can help him face that fear, or if you can convince him that the fear is unfounded, you may well be able bring him around.
I wish you luck on this most delicate of operations. Like trying to get a horse ready for saddle for the very first time, you have to be both strong and gentle. You have to be confident, yet cautious. You have to move slowly, but be ready to act in an instant. It sounds like you have him in the corral, but he’s a little skittish about the rope.
I will do that. What was really funny and happened yesterday is that my “disappearing” had results. He sent me a text wondering what was going on since he hasn’t seen me on Facebook. He called me because I didn’t respond to his text message. He called at my work and asked if I have been at work because it is not me to be that silent. And not only that he emailed my friend and asked when she had spoken to me last. He was getting worried. And I think he missed me. So I decided to call him later that night. And we had a great normal conversation about general things. Not about us. But he asked me to bring my car over to his shop so he can take a look at it what’s wrong with it. So I will do that sometime next week. I think this all was a good sign. I know he cares about me but he obvioously also missed me. It may take a bit time but I have a strong feeling our relationship will have a new better start. And with better communication. I strongly believe so.
I am happy for you. Every relationship has ups and downs. Hopefully you are done with this down cycle, and are building into the next up cycle.
I have found that communication is very important, and I am glad to see you working on that aspect of your life, and your relationship.
I sure will hope so. I decided to have conversation with him and just explain my feelings little better. And if he thinks he needs a little longer break, I will give it to him up to certain extent. That’s how much I love him.
i was with my boyfriend for almost two years we broke up 2 weeks ago, because i feel my insecurites that were brought on because of anxiety caused arguments between us. Then the last time we rowed he said i dont know if i can carry on. i was shocked it had come to this, he then proceeded to come home with flowers text me a message about how he was sorry for draggin it out and i had been trying and how he loved me lets snuggle when i get home etc. In the time we argued he became friendly with a girl of which i feel filled a void and he became hot and cold. eventually after weeks of him saying love conquers all, love is not enough. and mixed up feelings chats with his mum who i feel put the your young feeling in his head. one night when i said we neeed to figure things out he then got real angry and nasty and so i felt i had no choice but to leave. i since found out he had been on a date whilst i was still in our home. even though he insisted other people wernt the problem. its out of his nature all of what happened. i came back to my parents he text saying
he will always love me with all his heart. i did not respond. i stuck to not contacting him then another week went by and he sent me a long message with again a mixture of things…
how he was sick of asking for peoples advice people saying dont contact me because of false hope, but he had to say something… he said things like oh my god do i love you. and its all miss placed and so frustrating because how will i ever stop being in love with you? you fit from day one what went wrong?…. i dont want to revert back to anything and im not sure sending this is a wise move. i miss the old me and you thats all.. i was ment to look after you forever and im heartbroken i cant do that….
i dont understand what he means and a week has gone by… if he sayd those things then why cant we work on the realtonship? im worried that if i suggest this he will again pull away but im worried if i dont ….
wow long story i know but please try and help and make some sense of it?
i ramble so im sorry of its not clear…
Don’t worry, issues of love are rarely clear. 8)
To me, trust is the most important part of a relationship. It sounds like there was a trust issue in the past, and that it bothered you also. The question becomes what do you intend to do about it? What will he have to do to prove himself, and to show you he can keep his focus solely on you? But also understand, he is a guy, and when something walks by, he is hard-wired to look. It’s just that if he gets up and follows, then that’s a problem, right?
Communication is important, as is trust. Will he lie to you, and tell you what he thinks you want to hear, or can you trust him to honestly discuss his feelings? Does he really miss you specifically, or does he miss having someone to snuggle with (and more, if applicable)?
It sounds like you have a lot to sort out, and that it may be a little difficult. It sounds like he’s wanting to come back, it’s now up to you to determine if you want to go back as well.
I wish you all the best as you look deeply into your relationship and face the future.
What is that mean i love you but if you wanna get out to this relation your free? Do you think he love me or not really.
Love is a very poorly defined term in the English language. One word covers everything from mild affection, to a family bond, a bond of friendship, to the deepest bonds of the heart.
Communication is very important. If you wish to know, you must ask them, not me. I don’t know. They might not be sure, but they can give you a better answer than I can.
This quote is about needing two people to have a relationship. If only one wants the relationship, then it is broken, and they are free.
I hope that made a some sense.
I took my boyfriend for granted for a long time, hurt him a lot although I didn’t mean to do so. He forgave me for most of the times however at one point he couldn’t stand longer. He didn’t believe in me anymore and dumped me by suddenly disappearing (he told a mutual friend of ours that he didn’t want to hurt me so he wasn’t brave enough to say goodbye). He told me that I shouldn’t be sad because I would be his friend, however he then rarely talked to me because I was still so desperate and loved him so much. After only a short time, he jumped into a new relationship. They seem very happy. I still miss him and cry a lot but I told him that I didn’t want us to be friends, that I don’t want to waste his time. He continues to be silent and still has fun with his girlfriend. Although everybody tells me that I shouldn’t love him and miss him, I can’t stop myself. After the desperation phase, I still feel that he’s the one for me and it was the biggest mistake in my life that I didn’t believe in him and my heart. I have walked out of his life and don’t contact him anymore but on special occasions, I still send him presents anonymously (all of them are D-I-Y). I don’t know If he knows it was me that gave him the presents or If he appreciates them. Deep down inside I just want to do something good and special to him. Am I going wrong?
You have to follow the path you think is right. That said, I would recommend taking a little time for yourself. Step away from him, and take care of your needs. Work on some aspect of yourself you would like to improve, not because you think he would like you better, but because you want to improve that part of you. Learn to play a new game (like Go or chess), work on your physical stamina by bicycling, running, or walking. Read a book you’ve wanted to read, but kept putting off.
By taking some time for yourself, you can (I hope) allow yourself a slightly better perspective on your relationship. It sounds like he isn’t interested, and since it takes two to have a relationship, that kind of ends it.
The big question is if you can handle being ‘just a friend’? Not everyone can.
It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better, and I wish all the best for you as you undertake this journey.
Thank you. I will think over this carefully
Your welcome.
I’ve been going out with this girl for 2 and half years, at the start of our relationship she was just trying out and see if this relationship would work out. I tried so hard, poured so much effort and my sincerity and seriousness moved her one day. We remained an item until recently where she got posted to US (I’m from Malaysia) for 6 months. Before she flew, we were still very close. We did many shopping, planning for her trip, going out more frequent and we remained on contact with each other over instant messages and video-over-internet when she flew over. The first week we were still doing well until after I started to found out that she’s been hanging out with this group of colleages, even at one point she went to one of the guy’s house to work from home (IT support)
I was jealous. I got furious. I started acting strange, questioning her. The more I dig the more ugly truth I found. I was a little overboard and went into her facebook account (we both share our pass). I found that there were some admirers after her, I found that the same group was being a bad influence to her. They brought her out to pool and movies then occasionally to shisha bars (which she lied to me going for movie). She never liked smokers, and always reminded me to never start smoking. Why is is that after going out with these people, she started doing all things that she wouldn’t like? It was just the second week and she broke up with me.
I’m scared, I did all what a man would do for her girl. Giving her love, being attentive, placing her first over others. Where did I do wrong? How did it come so unexpected, so fast, so hard? I cant believe she actually left me for a group of people she met there for 2 weeks.
I feel for you. It’s not easy to lose a love in this manner. Travel to a foreign city can really mess with a person’s head. The newness, the different customs, the new sights and sounds, all can contribute to a change in a person. From what you describe, she has changed. Nothing you have done in the past matters any more.
It sounds like she has left you, and you no longer have a claim to her. Perhaps she will change back when she returns, but perhaps not. In either case, you have a few months to work on yourself. That is where I would recommend you focus your energies. Not in vengeance, not in blaming yourself, not in immediately finding a new girlfriend, but in trying to become a better person yourself.
I wish you all the best in the coming months, knowing that it will be hard. Persevere, and improve yourself, and things will eventually get better.
Thank you. I’m grateful for all these. However, I’m having a really hard time moving on. I doubt she will change back to like how it was when she returns. She was so cruel after that event, blocking all the communication channel, being really cold blooded. She basically just avoids me like a plague.
I still cant forget her, she was my first. It was so deep, it hurts so bad. I tried to move my mind elsewhere, but because I promised her to get down in weight from 90kg to 70kg before she got posted there, I felt like I’m doing all this just to fulfil that promise. I worked myself so hard now, but each time I get the results, It felt like I’m doing something – giving myself false hope at the same time – just to win her back knowing that it’s already impossible for her to return, but I kept doing all these stupid things, I kept hoping and hoping one day we’ll be back together. I’m such a weak man. I’m afraid to let go, as I’m taking risk. I know this is stupid because everyone should have their own choices, their own freedom and their own happiness.
I’m dying bits by bits every single day ….. I know I’m being stubborn, everyone told me to let go and focus on my life. Do something for myself instead of another person. Find someone who loves me more than I love her. All those things, moving on and stuff…. but I just couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I think and think and think and think so much, really thinking too much…. my mind just cant stop thinking….
As hard as it may be, you will have to set her aside and focus on yourself. Any promise you made to her, you also made with yourself, so I would focus on that aspect of what you are doing. Lose the weight for you, not for her.
The first is always the hardest to get past. Mine was so many years ago, it hardly hurts any more, but it is still there. You will get over it, eventually. At the same time, it will always be with you, even if only as a shadow. But the sooner you let her go, the sooner you will heal. By being so stubborn, you are basically pulling off the scab on a wound. Day after day, you keep after it.
“Will it ever heal? Will it ever quit hurting?” you ask. Not until you are done messing with it. Let it be. Yes, a healing wound hurts, it also itches and feels odd. This wound was deep, and hurts a lot. But it won’t ever heal if you keep picking at it. Leave it be. I know, easier said than done, but it must be done. Unless you want to feel like this for the rest of you life, that is.
Listen to your friends. I agree with them. 8)
Ive been sort of together with this girl for 2 years and we both work together. The other day she called it quits because our age is 7 years apart and she has a son. I really love her nd would do anything for her and she know knows that to. She has really strong feelings for me and always thinks of me. The hardest thing is working together and sh e says leave her alone etc. I ve been in many relationships before and this is by far the most difficult because of my strong feelings for her. Its very tough for me just to not contact her. Its funny because she uses your quote very often.
Sounds like you have a tough situation on your hands. It’s one thing to have to break up with someone, and to let them go because they want out. But to then have to see them on a regular basis, that’s going to be very trying.
I wish you the best of luck as you try to keep your feelings to yourself.
Hey Philosiblog, came across your page when searching the old “if you love something set it free” quote and saw you are providing us folks with a listening ear on matters of love. Well, here it goes:
I met this girl at a Gasque (fancy Swedish dinner and dance gathering) and had that love at first sight feeling. At the time, I was an exchange student from Canada and she seemed instantly drawn to me. Magic right? Like what comes next should be a fairytale right? Well turns out not quite. I didn’t ask for her #, figuring I would run into her here again (without going into detail, we were part of the same “club” for lack of a better word and surely I thought I would see her again). I didn’t see her again for 3 months and when she saw me she came right up to me as if she had been waiting to see me. We chatted, I got her #, told her i was leaving to travel and go back home in a week (semester was over). She asked me to come visit her and offered me a room at her place (she lives in the city i was flying out of, coincidence right?) I said I would, then changed my plans (friends were coming to visit and travel and I basically bailed on her hoping I could see her when she’d be around when I got back for 2 days before going home for good).
I didn’t see her, but had her e-mail and decided to add her to facebook. She accepted but didn’t write me or anything. Finally, I write happy bday to her and get a like but nothing more. I wrote her a message and she didn’t write back. I gave one of her photos a like and she responded to the message I wrote her, finally. I wrote her back a few days later and haven’t heard anything since. I wrote her happy bday again and still just got a like.
I never told her how I felt and am still kicking myself for it. This is almost 2 years from that Gasque and I just want write her back and tell her how I still feel. She wrote me back last like 6 months ago.
Is it too late to tell her now? Will it be worth it writing her a message letting her know how I feel I screwed up? This is my question. OR do I let her go, set her free, and if its meant to be it’ll come back together?
I’ve met many girls who I’ve had interest in since then, but I always come back thinking to her.
Well, my question in response is “What do you have to lose?” Write to her, apologize for messing up, say you’re sorry, and let her know how you feel.
That said, it seems we all have a story about “the one that got away.” At least learn something from the experience. Twice you let her slip through your fingers, figuring there would be another chance. Hopefully you have learned that lesson, right? 8)
I wish you all the best as you try to sort this out.
Thanks for the quick response, this truly means a lot. I did let her slip through twice and the worst part is that I don’t even know why. Insecurity I suppose. I was given a second chance when I saw her again and blew it.
I’ll take your advice and try, there really is nothing to lose and only closure to gain. I’ll have to accept whatever comes of it. Regardless of the outcome, this has certainly taught me a lesson.
As for you: it means a lot to ordinary people that there is someone out there willing to listen and give advice. Keep doing what you’re doing as you are surely making a difference in people’s lives. I wish you all the best!
Glad I could help. But in all honesty, you’d have come to this conclusion eventually. All I did was give you a nudge. Best of luck to you!
Philosiblog… I messaged her and didn’t get a message back even though it says “read” on facebook (not trying being creepy here but you know how it is).. But, she did “like” a photo of me like right away after; a photo of just me standing there smiling. The optimist in me sees this as acknowledging what I said to her and she just didn’t want to or know how to respond right away, otherwise she would just ignore right? Anyways, I’m pretty happy about this, not sure what exactly it means but it certainly put a smile on my face after so much uncertainty.
I’m happy for you. My only advice at this point is to not read too much into it, and to not rush things. In my experience, women tend to go slowly, often giving hints that they’re looking for a little more, but only a little. Often we read that as wanting a lot more, and we mess things up.
Communication is always a key factor, and you can always ask her if you’re going too slow, and see how she responds. But not just yet. It can be maddening, but (in my experience, at least) that’s the way they play the game. If you want what they have, you have to follow their rules. The trick is figuring out what the rules are. 8)
And keep smiling. It will help keep you happy.
Sooo….I fell in Love and don’t know what to do. I started dating this guy….going strong and then all of sudden he tells me he wasn’t ready for a girl like me (about 6 months in)…he said I was marriage material and he wasn’t ready….even though I never talked about marriage with him. We remained friends….it’s been 6 months since he told me that and we have seen each other off and on during that time. I have been fighting the feeling that I am in love with him. I feel like I should just confess my love but I am nervous of further push back. Should I let him go? On the other hand my ex wants me back…it’s been 2 years since our breakup and he has heavily pursued me during our breakup – and has vowed to love me forever and spend the rest of his life proving it…and I believe him. But I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. Should I let the guy I love go and wait or should I let the guy I love go and go back to my ex… The guy I know who loves me.
Yikes! That’s a bit of a situation you have there.
Love is such a broad term in the English language. There are many different flavors and intensities, and you will need to figure out what feelings you have for each of the guys, and try to get a better feel from the guy you are pursuing.
I would not let go of the guy you are pursuing until you have figured out exactly where he stands and where the relationship stands. Sometimes you have to settle for being friends, as the romantic love just isn’t there.
You really can’t make a decision until you have all the facts, so that should be your first priority. Once you have the facts, your options should be a little more obvious, and your path a little more clear. It might not be pleasant or easy, but it should be clear.
You’re in for some rough times, and I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.
Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it. How do I figure out where the guy I have the feelings for stands? We recently went out and we had a great time but I can’t figure him out. Does he likes me, does he not, does he want more, does he not. Love shouldn’t be this hard. But I do hear you loud and clear about settling to be friends.
At the being of the year he sent me a text saying things will be better for us this year…what the heck does that mean. The word “us” had me trying to figure out what does he means…”for us”. He also went on to apologize for growing distance…but so far things are still going slow…to me at least. My friends say let him go because he is not serious about you. After my post to you I did say I was going to give him a break and not call or text him for a while. Normally I am the one doing all the reaching out.
I do have a bit of a messy situation on my hand so I am trying not to make any haste decisions. Again thanks so much for your insight.
Why do you ask these questions of me? Ask them of him.
It sounds like you know what to do, you just need to take the steps. I agree, take them slowly, but take them you must if you wish to find out, right?
Yes you are right. I just felt I needed a neutral perspective; a perspective of someone outside of the situation. Again I really appreciate your blog.
I do believe with this as it is words I had shared with Lisa, my now ex-girlfriend. Though my thoughts and words were more along the in the form of Police’s – Set Them Free song. On a spiritual level this may be true but we also must learn and understand to what may have caused the split and breakup and to the real reason to which brings the souls back together. Was the breakup or cause of one temporarily moving on because there was a thought or sight to “better things”? Was it because it was a conflict amongst yourselves and just needing space? Or was it to escape from you because you have knowingly or unknowingly caused pain, grief or your partner not feeling like themselves any more and needed to search for them self? Were we true to ourselves all of this time and true to our loved one? If not, was suddenly the truth exposed or your true self does appear? But this saying goes on to say if they come back, it is to be – True but…
But we do need to understand that original cause of that need of space and have we learn and grown from it. As the time does come, to understand why we want to fully re-unite. I truly miss my Love, my Friend, my Lisa but if the time does come and I so given a chance, I hope my journey of becoming a whole person is complete, so as I can truly feel and appreciate a new experience, if the reasons are right, in missing me as a friend, a lover and a companion in this wonderful life and to continue this journey hand in hand. Peace…… tom
A very good comment, from a very personal experience. Thank you for sharing.
Part of why I like the comments section is it allows all of us to examine other aspects of the quote, or consequences thereof. Here, you discuss several points I didn’t mention in the post, and are very relevant.
Something I believe we should all be working towards at all times is the betterment of ourselves, a point you make in your comment. Also, we should always try to be true to ourselves and our values, which is another point you make.
Thanks for sharing with all of us. I wish you the best in your personal growth and your quest to build your relationship with Lisa.
Reblogged this on MoWhitz Expressions.
I don’t have much experience with our soldiers returning home, but I’d like to interject anyway, Kris, if you don’t mind, just because the heart is so complex. I thought that maybe your worries were simply more than he could absorb or entertain. Maybe the detachment is completely necessary. I might think that demonstrative love might also be towards the heavier side and an emotion he cannot wrap any piece of himself around yet. I would think that the heart’s language of friendship might be more needed, but even so, in small, yet significant reminders that simply, he has a friend. The sort of friendship that is rich in support and given in appropriate amounts. I hear that word associated a lot with our returning soldiers. I wish you well, Kris, as you understand your tiny steps towards him. And I wish that in time, he is able to understand how to take tiny steps back towards you.
Hi i recently lost a guy that said i love you to me right before he was deployed. we had been talking for about 4 maybe 5 months before he was sent over seas. the 9 months he was deployed we talked none stop my phone vibrated in the middle of the night i would be up and wide awake just to talk to him. and he would be up late into the night over there to talk to me. but near the end i did notice that he had changed i expected that to happen. and at this point i had fallen in love with him with both shared a lot of stuff. when he got home things were out of control me trying to find time to go see him since i am still in school and the time he spent on duty. we had one fight over trust which that got solved with barely any effort. now we argued over me not knowing he had service….i got worried like any girl that loves a guy would, plus i had a few other things that worried me. but he totaly discontected me from his life…..he wont listen at all…i feel that possibley coming home from war and not having anything other then me to return home to since home life wasnt the best, it might have done somthing with it but i dont know. part of me tells me he will be back but yet theres that other part that says he really hates me right now….but i guess all i can do is give it time and see what happens.
I would recommend you find a support group for returning service-members, and see if you can get in. Yes you. You have no idea what happened inside him over there. Deployments do things to people. Trying to get a normal life back can be a difficult thing. Hopefully, you can find some things you can do to help him adjust. In doing so, you become more useful to him, and you can better understand him. It also might be useful to reach out to some of his buddies to see if they can help you understand what he went through, or how he might have changed. It would also provide you with a method of getting messages to him without having to be in his face.
He might also be pushing you away to protect you from his emotions or from his anguish or pain. Guys can be like that, even without a war thrown in. He might also be a little unsure about his next step and trying to get some maneuvering room for himself.
You have a tough road ahead of you. I would urge you not to give up just yet, but to also exercise caution, so as not to push him away. I wish you all the best in your travels down the road of life.
i dont plan on giving up, which is what people are tormenting me for. but i dont know who else to talk to since he one buddie is a complete ***Hole.i have though about trying to talk to other guys but cant find any in my area all i have is an airforce base. but one other problem is he wont even respond to any messages….he completely disconnected me. well not to sure about blocking my cell #. i keep having a feeling that things might change but its going to be awhile….
Sorry to hear that. I don’t know enough to have any idea why he is isolating himself. I hope he gets things worked out on his end. I hope you don’t have to suffer too much, either. Not a great spot to be in. But you must look after yourself as well. Don’t neglect your needs.
Philosiblog,
I’m in a current situation where I broke up with my ex last August. We were together for three years, everything was perfect, we were an amazing couple and truly always respected each other. I always did little things for because I loved her and still love till this day. The reason I ended it was because I was so overwhemled with grad-school and the relationship. I can honestly say that life got the best of me at that moment in my life. Now that I look back it was a big mistake on my part and have taken full responsibility for hurting her. I reached out to her this past December and she told that she is seeing someone. It honestly destroyed me emotionally. We’ve been texting here and there since the beginning of this year and we’ve gone to lunch 3 times the last month. She texts me sometimes with thinking of you etc. If there is anything that I know in this life is that I truly love her and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have her back in my life without invading her privacy of course. The issue is that she is still with the new guy. I read your blog, and I find very inspiring. I know that she still feels something for me, but I also know that I love her that much that I might have to let her go in order for her to be happy. I just don’t want her to think that I gave up on us again. I’m finding a hard time differentiating “giving up” with “letting her go”. If you can please input your thoughts in this matter and tell me what to do I would really appreciate it.
From what you said, it sounds like she is opening the door to some kind of relationship. She may be taking it slowly, to make sure she doesn’t get hurt again. However, it may not be the same kind of relationship as you had before.
Have you explained how you screwed up, and what you have learned from the experience? Have you let her know you still have feelings for her? It might be a bit ballsy, but you might also ask her if she minded you waiting for her. Just be prepared for the possible devastation the answer might bring.
It sounds like you have an understanding of what went wrong, it’s just a matter of seeing if you can lure her back. How hard you should try will depend on the signals she gives, and how your relationship re-develops.
It will be a difficult road, and I wish you all the best as you climb it. It might help to consider this a journey of self exploration, with the possibility of ending up with the girl in the end.
Hi I am in need of some advice. I was seeing my best friend back in 2011 and it was good and all but when we were seeing, she never wanted anyone to know and as well I didn’t want anyone to know. It was good for the first two months until I stopped trying and didn’t treat her as a girl friend. It could be because of my lack of experience or the fact that I didn’t know if I actually liked her I guess. We broke up on Christmas Day and we still remained good friends. During summer time i left the city to travel for a month and came back and started talking to her again, and asked if she was seeing anyone and she told me she was and it didn’t bother me. It wasn’t until Oct 2012 that I realized how much I missed her and wanted her back, she was seeing another guy at this point but this guy wasn’t treating well and her ex before me wanted to get back with her as well. Anyways I called her at 3am confessing my feelings and she got upset at me for calling so late, and told me I had no chance and to move on. I was really hurt and I couldn’t accept reality and asked so many people for advice too many I would think. In the new year my friends got fed up and told her about everything and she called me all concerned for me because I was failing in school and not in the right state of mind. She told me she was seeing another guy and that she is happy and such, but she is worried about my state and wants me to stand up again. She found out that I had told a lot of people and she is upset at me. She told me she wants me to find the same happiness she does. This girl has never had a relationship that last a year and she is 25, and I am 22. She doesn’t like telling people that she is in a relationship. She always been ashamed of my age and maturity level. She said we are just not capable but i believe I am. I do not know what I should do. Should I let her go and hope she will come back, or what is your advice on this situation. I just living in much regret because I didn’t know how to treat her as a girlfriend and if I had a second chance I would treat her a lot better, but I just don’t know what I should. She has told me I have no chance with her but why is that I believe we were meant to be??
Well, it seems clear that she isn’t interested in having or isn’t ready for a relationship. Since it takes two to have a relationship, I think you don’t have much choice in the matter.
Before anyone will want to be with you, you have to want to be with you. I would recommend that you start by pulling yourself together; get your grades back up, get your mind right, and get your life a little more settled.
I don’t know the situation well enough to say with any certainty whether you have a chance once you get your act together, but it seems pretty obvious that in your present condition, you have no chance at all.
The next few months are going to be hard, as you will have to focus on improving you, and not getting stuck in a trap of missing her and feeling sorry for yourself. I wish you all the best in the difficult times ahead, but I believe you can get yourself pulled back together. From there, it’s up to her.
Thanks, but what should I do when I see her in the hall now since it is so awkward between us and will it ever be the same between us if we can not have a relationship?
As well, what is the first step in forgiving yourself?
It will be awkward. There is no helping that. But my recommendation would be to keep it as calm as you possibly can. Say ‘hi’ and move on. When she is ready, if she ever is, she will let you know.
Not sure about the forgiving yourself part. I’ve always just done it. Just understand that we all screw up, it’s part of being human. Promise to learn from your mistakes as well as your successes, and get back to living. That’s the best I have. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice?
I agree with Philosiblog’s initial point that this is your time, Michael, to work on evolving yourself. It’s really not about who you’re with, or second chances. Become the man you want to be. She may not necessarily get you there. Allow her have the chance to evolve also. Sometimes letting your hands come away from the grip of the steering wheel is when your wings start to form. Set her free, and set yourself free to grow, to change, to surround yourself with the one thing that is going to set you apart….knowledge. Do that for yourself and the rest will come and rest on your shoulders when you’re not looking.
Thanks for joining in. I hope that helped.
will there ever be a chance she will come back to me? to me letting go of her is so hard to do, I just don’t understand why it took me so long to realize how much i truly love this girl.
Sorry, but I have no crystal ball. My recommendations are to be patient and to work on improving yourself. Patience is necessary so as not to annoy or drive her away. Working on improving yourself because you have to do something with the time, and that is a great investment. Learn a skill, pick up some knowledge, work on your health or fitness.
She might come back, and she might not. There is nothing you can do to force her back. The best you can do is be an inviting destination, and hope she visits. I wish I could give you a ‘better’ answer, but I don’t like to lie.
Perhaps the length of time for your feelings for her to surface is because you, yourself, are evolving, Michael. Perhaps there are other reasons why you feel such a push inside to treat her well and connect to her. What I do know is that focusing on one person who does not want you is not in your best interest. In listening to what she says, you have to forge ahead, Michael. Walk away, because you never know what’s around the next bend. And always, always, with the right attitude, you will always be walking towards something. If you need to focus on something, focus on producing pride in yourself. Remind yourself of the quote from time to time because it has your best interest at its heart. I believe that you will rise to this challenge and you won’t be sorry you did.
Hi.I was with my ex bf for 5 years and the last 2 years of that was very on and off. The reason we were on and off was because he didn’t want to be in a relationship and he felt like he was stuck in a rut. It was very difficult but I give him the space that he needed. I waited because i love him so much. He would come back and we would start again but then he would start to feel the way he did before. We did this for a year in a half. I’ve always believe in that saying that if you love someone you’ll let them go and if they come back then it is meant to be.
Then something happened in his life that made him realize he wanted to start over with me. So we officially got back together, stating that this was going to be the last time we try again. We were together and happy for about 5 months. The only big problem I had was that he never made plans with me or ask me to hang out, I’m always the one who have to ask him out if i wanted to see him and that’s really the only big thing we fight about. And I always felt that i loved him more then he loved me. Well last week, out of no where, he broke me up me. He told me that he still feels the same way he did 2 years ago, that we haven’t grown as people. That I deserve someone better, that won’t take me for granted like he has been. And all in all he just didn’t want to be with me. He said that he regret not being able to make us work and that he was really sorry. I totally felt blindside by this because i thought we were doing good, but he was acting distant the weeks leading up to the break up.
A couple of days ago I found out from a mutual friend that he cheated on me a week before we broke up, with a girl that he works with. And i heard that he’s somewhat seeing her now. He doesn’t know I know that he cheated. With everything i know and how he treated me, I still love him, and miss him, and want him back. I still feel like he’s the one. Isn’t that crazy?
I would say that yes, that’s a little crazy. If he’s behaving this way now, and you know why, the next question is : Was that the same reason he broke up with you two years ago? What makes you think he is ever going to change? As much as you like him, it appears you are someone to be with until he finds something better.
Everything you have said points to a one sided relationship, where you love him, and he simply takes advantage of you. I don’t expect the pattern to ever change. If you are willing to wait for him to come back, and don’t mind being cheated on, then wait for him. I would recommend against it. You deserve better.
I wish you all the best in the difficult times ahead.
Hi i recently broke up with a girlfriend due to exbyfriend issues. We talked for eight months and battled each other. We then got together for 3 and a half months and then broke up. I love her and she loves me her ex cheated on her twice and did her wrong a second time. She never told a guy she wanted to marry them until me. He claims he has changed and shes falling for it. Yet she loves me and him. I promised her that our love was too strong and we would find each other again. She needs to learn from her mistakes. I want her back what do i do.
You can’t make her come back. You either wait for her to come back, or you move on with your life. Not too many other options left.
Sorry, but it sounds like she’s stuck on the other guy. If she hasn’t learned her lesson by now, she probably won’t after this go-around, right? It might be time to (as painful as is likely to be) cut her loose.
I wish you all the best in the trying days ahead.