If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown
Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.
What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.
The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).
By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.
Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”
Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.
To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?
Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.
How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?
An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?
You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.
Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.
This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.
From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM
I caught him with one of my fren…she was liein beside him but he told me it is notin of dat sort. What should I do? He’s not even begging 2 com bak
It sounds like you have found two weasels, your friend and your guy. If he isn’t asking to come back, I’d say he’s gone. Given that performance, I would say good riddance. No one needs that kind of drama. You deserve better.
Hi, ive been out in Long distance relationship for 1 year nd 1 month, ive known this girl through online so i hadnt actually met her in real. We decide to meet after 5 months but i wasnt that ready myself, i am 20 and i am 2 1/2 years older than her, the problem now is at first 8 months we really into each other not until she told me that she is still young and want to enjoy her life more, she said that she really wants me in the future maybe 3 more years from then, i asked her if she want to break up but she said no, after that our relationship lost its spark so i told her i let her go but ahe send me message this is not what she want but just what i want so we got back together, now we more like friends than in relationship im still commited but i just dont feel that she is, i told her that im going at her place whenever she wants but she told me she is busy at school and training stuffs so she has no time for me, what i want is what im supposed to do, coz i have a feeling that mayne she already have new one that she loves or going out with, i am close to her family and they like me but i dont want to ask them, please help me..
It sounds like she’s not ready. A relationship will only work if both of you want it, and that’s not what I’m hearing from your description.
While I don’t think much of the age difference, there appears to be a significant maturity difference between you two. Until she believes she is ready, all you can try to do is put her in a cage. I don’t see how that could end well.
As the quote says, you have to let go. You do not own her, even if she does own your heart. If you are still friends with her and her family, there is still hope. However, it sounds like it may well take some time for her to figure out what she wants. Pushing her at this point will likely only push her away.
That probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s my best advice based on what you presented. Patience is a virtue.
I was just let go. Moved away for 2 yrs for my masters… Across the country relationship for 18 mos… he got tired of doing it. Says he ll fight for me when he gets this thoughts together. We ll see if I move on before because that’s all I can do. This page helped me to see that I was the clingy lover who stopped the chase aspect of love that he needed. I let him get away with things because I’m so far away and he doesn’t think he loves me enough and wants to lose me to see. But after reading this quote, things just weren’t right.
If
If…
Were you going to add more?
In any case, relationships are complex things. Most involve some level of chase, but how much is too much and how much is too little? But if both aren’t getting what they want, it’s not much of a relationship.
However, like ships, there is some momentum. As long as you haven’t crashed into a pier or a sand bar, there is still some relationship, even if the winds are still or the motor is off. It looks like the ship is slowing, but not yet stopped. What will you do? What do you want? What meets your needs?
It sounds like you have already put some effort into this exercise, and I wish you all the best as you determine what you will do in the future.
About the if… I didn’t get to finish…
he’s the one who feels behind in life and wants a family and marriage ASAP.. But is worried ( bc we were only together for 8 Months before I Moved and now it’s been 2 yrs… ) tht we may not be right for eachother and doesn’t want to wait to figure it out anymore. he said that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me but he’s not happy with his life and he just wants to take time to make himself happy. By being in this stressful relationship and only seeing me for 4 days a month it’s making him more stressed out. He’s losing his job in 2 months and has never not been laid off after a yr and a half. I’m very successful and stable.. I think that hurts his pride… he’s always telling me I can do better and I should. I don’t believe that at all I have different values and never compare. I’m just scared that I’m in love with someone who’s “just not that into me.”
It sounds like he needs some time to get his life sorted out. From the experience of friends, you don’t want to have a troubled relationship when kids are involved. My advice to you is to get the relationship sorted out first, then consider starting a family.
Yes, the male ego is a fragile thing. Many of us have falsely tied our value as a person with our ability to provide (ie our job). When that job goes away, life can be really tough for us.
All I can say is that you should take your time and make sure he really is that into you before you get too much deeper into it, and most definitely before you have kids!
It will take some effort and a lot of patience to get this sorted out. I would recommend being as honest with him as you can about your concerns and your feelings, and see if he sees things the same way. It might help to clear some things up in your relationship.
i will not hate him and i cant hate him ever im gonna wait for him because im sure he will come back bdw thanks…………
I hope things go well for you, and that your experience is better than mine were.
i really need your help ……….there was a guy in my college we became frnds and i started liking him like hell i felt something serious for him and it was all mutual he use to behave like as if he also wants to be with me ……………..this went for month but when i directly asked him about all the stuff he said that im having a misunderstanding …….but everyone around noticed something very different between us ……….and i know its there i can feel it ………………… so what should i do im waiting for him and i know i cant get over him plzzzzzzzzzz help me im stuck in this situation from months
What can I say, guys can be fickle. It sounds like he has cooled down a bit. From what you said, others noticed that things had cooled from his side.
As I see it, you don’t have many choices. You can sit there and wait, hoping he comes back, all the while trying to keep the fires of love burning. But eventually, those flames may well burn you, and if that happens, the love will likely turn to hate. Don’t ask me how I know.
The other choice seems more reasonable in my view. That is to go on with your life. It won’t be easy, but if he never comes back, this is where you’ll end up when the fires of hate have finally burned out. I believe it would be prudent to skip that whole fires step.
If he comes back, great. If not, you’ll have to move on, or become a stalker. It doesn’t sound like the next few weeks are going to be pleasant for you, but I don’t see any other path. I wish you strength and patience as you go through this tough time.
My story is a bit differen from all the ones that has been posted so far. I am having the same problem with a friend I met in a forum. At first we used to talk like you would to anybody else but after some time we started to know each other. I made the first contact asking for something and then we started talking more and getting into each other’s lives. We would message each other constantly to talk just about anything and I unwillingly developed feelings for this friend. Feelings I kept to myself until he started distancing a little and I couldn’t help but lose my cool, burst and tell him I was feeling like I loved him. I tend to develop feelings of attachment for people too quickly and I end up heartbroken when people fail to meet my expectations. This friend said things to me that made me think he likes me. Like he said one day I could go visit him to his country (He lives in South America), that he deeply cares about me and seeing me unhappy makes him sad because I deserve to be happy and stuff like that. I fell for him because at first we were very close and those things he said made me like him. Anyway, he replied saying that he was flattered and that me having feelings for him won’t change anything between us, that I was his great friend and I will always be his great friend. He apologized saying he failed to reply to my messages because he tends to forget things but that it was not like he was ignoring me or avoiding me. I accepted his apologies but the next day he again ignored my messages. I confronted him again, he apologized and assured me I had nothing to worry about because we are still friends. Then the next day he ignored my messages. Recently I just gave up. Not only he is not replying to my messages but he has been absent from the forum on which we met. He rarely posts there. Whenever I post something he disappears and in other forums we arre together he doesn’t reply to my posts but when another friend of his post something he quickly replies. Also I found out he opened another forum and invited some of his friends but not me. I kept this to myself even though I felt very hurt and sad because I couldn’t understand why he treated me like this when he always said I was his great friend. I spent two days without contacting him. Today I just sent him a message saying Hi. I also said it was not like I was forgetting about him but that I was busy and I wanted to give him space to meet new people and make friends, etc, but that I was there if he needed something. He replied saying that he saw that when we were close and contacted each other almost every day we were becoming too dependant on each other so when whe stopped talking or messaging he was giving me space. He thanked me for doing the same with him and he said that we will always be friends no matter what. I am so confused. I don’t know if he meant to say that or if it was a way to come to terms with feelings of guilt. He never told me we needed space before. He only did when I told him. It’s so hard to read him. Like I don’t know if he does this because he have feelings for me more than a friend and he is just scared. Also because he isn’t that great with expressing his feelings I never knowh where I’m standing in the middle of this. I need help. I thought about moving on and if one day he comes back then it was meant to be. I am just too tired of always initiating contact between us, of expecting something more and of being the one who gives more than Iget back in return. If there’s any advice you can give I’d highly appreciate it.
While I cannot speak for him, or directly to your situation, it sounds like you may be reading more into the relationship than he is. I have lots of close friends, but none of them have any flavor of romance, other than the relationship I have with my wife.
What I am inferring from what you have written, he likes you, but only as a friend. It sounds like he may be backing up a little because you’re coming at him a little too hard. It is possible that he likes you without loving you, and may be a bit creeped out with the level of attention you are placing on him.
My usual advice when people aren’t sure where they stand is to ask. Communication can be difficult, but if you are willing to talk frankly about what is going on and how you feel, you can at least get clarity. You may not like the answer, but at least you will know if you ever had something, or if it was just your imagination.
That probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s the best advice I have for you. I wish you the best in your journey of discovery. There will be good times, and there will be trying times. Each will come and go, then return again like waves on the beach. Smile and be strong, and know you are both worthy and special.
thank u for your reply..
i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years and his parents knew me from last 1 year and his parents used to give me gifts occasionally, used to call me every now & then, used to talk about the marriage, but when the girl told about her relationship to her parents, parents were agreed then called the boy to meet, then boy i was unwelcomed at your home, i won’t be able to adjust with your parents, how you spent 3 years with me & all, but then we starting fighting for parents respect but then also everything was going fine and boys parents were invited to girls home on sunday and suddenly boys father called girls mom and told i have a rejection for this relationship, so ask your daughter to forget everything and i am also explaining this same thing to my boy.. after this my boyfriend said i am sorry i am taking this decision to leave you, after this i contacted him several times he did not answer a single call then once he answered and said everything is over now and stop calling me, she asked the reason for leaving, he said there is no reason.then i stopped calling him and after 20 days he called me and due to my phone was on silent mode, i didn’t pickup his call, then i called him and asked you called me , he said no i didn’t, may be by mistake i called u and on the same time he had called girls best friend, even he gave same reason to her also by mistake i called u, then i again asked him what is the reason behind taking this decision to leave me, he said there is no reason and said take care of urself, then i tried to meet him where he stays, but he did not open the door, and made a complaint to security that some girl is ringing my bell.. he not ready to meet me atleast once, he says it will hurt us, and said don’t call me again, what do you thing about this please help me, i am so much in pain , don’t know what to do..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like he has left. The reasons don’t appear very clear, but there is one thing that is clear: he’s gone. He might come back, but if you keep calling on him or phoning him, I expect it will only drive him farther away. It takes two to have a relationship, and it looks like it’s just you who wants one. All I can say is that the pain will eventually get smaller, and when it does, there will be room in your heart for another.
I wish you all the best as you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and get on with your life. It will take strength, but I believe you can do it.
thank you for your reply, but he used to care for me alot when we were in a relationship, but when he had called me after 20 days of our breakup he was crying, but still he said now do not call me, i am sorry and have a successful and wonderful life ahead, i still feel he loves me, but he doesn’t say i do not love you, he says i love you but there is no reason to leave me, and i really love him alot and i do not want to marry any other guy, i strongly feels he will come back to me. i really do not know what to do, his friends are in my contact, should i keep contact with them or not? i am really going through so much pain even he says i am going through same pain..
It sounds like he is having trouble making up his mind, or is under the influence of someone else (parents, as possible example). I would recommend giving him some time to get his mind organized.
If you have mutual friends, it might be helpful to ask them to keep you informed on how he is progressing, and to occasionally ask about you. Be careful not to do this too much, as you can just as easily drive him away if he feels you are trying to manipulate him.
It sounds like you have a tough time ahead of you. I hope it is worth the effort, and you are able to get him to reach out to you.
I’m experiencing this in my life right now. This quote is incredibly fitting; it has put what I’ve been dealing with for the past month in a half, in a perspective that I have yet to look in. So thank you for your wise words of encouragement. It really is more about my girl and I working on ourselves, then working on eachother as a couple. If we end up back together, then it truly was meant to be. And if not, then as much as it sucks, I was saved from a lot more heartache later down the road.
Thank you for getting it. That’s the best synopsis I have seen to date.
Until we know ourselves, it is doubly hard to know someone else. I wish the both of you all the best as you learn and improve yourselves. It’s hard to imagine your futures will be anything other than bright, even if they are separate, and not together.
Be kind to yourselves and to each-other.
Upon reading other people’s posts since mine last night, quite frankly I don’t realize how good I have it. I’ve separated from a girlfriend, someone who I was serious about, but nowhere near the folks on here who are dealing with marital issues. All I can say is this, as hard as it is, give your significant other that space he or she desires. The more you pressure them to get back together, etc. etc. you will push them away. I asked my girl a few weeks ago if she would like to get a cup of coffee, and she quite honestly told me “it’s soon and she’s not ready.” I then realized if I keep asking her, it will only push her away. Be patient, if things are meant to be they will happen. If the person doesn’t come back, then you are saved heartache later down the road because it certainly wasn’t meant to be.
Yes, sometimes you don’t know how good you have it until you look around and see what others are going through. I agree with your observation that it is possible to push them away by being too persistant. It can be a fine line to walk, between too much and too little. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of the concept, I wish you the best as you put it into action, even if the action is waiting patiently.
So it has been also most a year since I found out that my ex of 9 years was in a new relationship.
We were long distance, so we didn’t see each other everyday. However, the new person that he was seeing started to get upset because I was still calling and he was still talking and communicating with me. He seemed distance, however when we talked. On one occasion I got a text from his phone saying he had moved on and that he loved his new girl. I tried to call him to ask what was this all about and he said someone was playing on his phone. A lot of other strange things happened with him and his phone. I called one night and a girl said hello, he then called back 5 mins later saying never to call his phone again and hung up the phone. After that he sent a text saying that was a joke and it was his sister playing on the phone. I called his sister months later and she said that was not her. The next day we talked and he was like he still “loved me and to give him 6 months.” However, on July 3 I got a phone call again from his phone and it was a girl saying that they moved in together and I asked her to put him on the phone and she did. and he said nothing and hung up the phone. 2 days went by and he didn’t call, however I called him and he said that the girl was lying and none of that stuff was true. Oh, yeah and in addition he blocked my calls and lied about that when he eventually took me off blocked calls.
After all of this happened I planed a trip to NYC and my layover was in his city. I told me to meet me at the airport to explain everything that was going on. He came and lied. He still could not tell me the truth. He looked me in the eyes and said he was not in a relationship! All in all he lied and he lied to his family as well.
I’m not sure if he ever loved me b/c what he did was horrible. Comments welcomed.
Thanks.
It sounds like he has only partially left you, and yet is not willing to come back. You will have to decide what to do, but based on what you have said, it doesn’t sound like he is very honest with you, and quite possibly not honest with himself.
I wish you all the best as you try to figure out your next step.
And I offer you the best as you begin to set boundaries for yourself, even with regard to love…especially with regard to love. Those boundaries will actually become the guides able to release the love for yourself, so that all can see the beauty of its shape.
Thanks for the insightful interpretation! It’s definitely hard to let someone go because you’re scared they may not come back. My ex and I broke up due to many reasons, one of them being that I kissed another guy when I was I intoxicated. I told him about it and it broke his heart. He wanted to part ways, but I wouldn’t let him. I asked him to give me another chance. I have not cheated on him since, and will never do it again intoxicated or not, but the past had shattered him already. In addition to making him suffer from my mistake, he feels broken about himself. He cheated on his ex with another ex and for that reason he cannot forgive himself. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to love or be loved and feels he is not ready to be in a relationship hence the break up. I understand he needs time and space to heal himself and to forgive me for my mistake. I feel terrible and don’t know what to do to gain his trust and to prove my loyalty for him. He loves me a lot, but said he fell out of love after I did that. Yet, he continues to be kind and loving in return. This is a man worth fighting for, and I’m torn between letting him go and fighting for him–proving my love and loyalty. I’m scared he will not fall in love with me again. Help me, I don’t want to lose him.
That was a great way to put it. The premise is that you might lose them, however, they are not yours to lose.
There is a fine line between doing too little and doing too much. As I don’t know either of you nor your situation, I really cannot help. I have always advocated honest communication, and that would be the sole thing I would recommend. I wish you all the best as you embark on this journey.
And I would caution against fear. When we do things because we are afraid, there seems to be a much greater risk of doing the wrong thing for the wrong reason.
Well, i think shr still have feeling for me its just wont show, she told me that maybe im blind, coz i fall for her, her mum told me once before that i should fund better one coz im too good for her, but i refuse, all honestly i love her so much and ive been out with many girls bfore but there is something that i really like about her, for me if she will tell me to let go of her coz she dont want me anymore i would do it, but when im saying that to het she only tellin me that im stupid to say that, im trying to remain positive but im getting to the point which i dont know what to do, i am ready for whatever happens even it will hurt me but at the same time i dont want to lost her, should i give up on her or keep going and wait even its hard?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that I thought she had no feelings for you, but it appears she is not ready to act on her feelings in the manner you wish her to do.
She obviously isn’t ready at this point in time. If you still have feelings, all I can recommend is for you to wait and give her the space she seems to need. She either will come back, or she won’t. That is the whole point of the quote. In either case, it is likely outside your control.
In short, you have to wait for her to decide she wants to come back. That’s why I closed my last comment with ‘Patience is a virtue.’
AYA says:
My boyfriend broke up with me..bcos he felt he is not important with me..he l,oves me so much dat time but one day his feelings to me is already gone,,i dont know why?he said to me im not apprecciate wat he did to me..i always angry to him..its already 1 week dat im angry with him..we argue aout his family bcos they doesnt liokes me..what can i do?
From what you describe, there isn’t much you can do. It sounds like there is a fundamental difference in how each of you feel the relationship should be. Until that can be fixed, or one of you change to match what the other believes the relationship should be, you don’t really have a relationship.
In short, the only paths I see for you are to let them go, and get on with your life, work with them to come to an agreement on your relationship together and how to behave, or adopt their definition by changing yourself to match their belief and desire. My council is that you take some time and first determine if these are the only paths, or if there is another path. Then take some time and decide which path you wish to take. It won’t be easy and it probably won’t be quick, but that is my advice. I wish you peace and happiness as you find your way through this trying time.
I offered my husband a separation when I found out that his still married to his first wife back in his the country. They have kids 2 boys 21, 19 and both didn’t know that their father is married to me for 5 years now. I asked a separation again last year and again he doesn’t want to have a separate i love him so much , but I can’t live like this hiding secrets from me and to his first family so I decided to take my rings off as for me it is a symbolized of his secrets, guilt, pain, paranoia, headache full of surprises for the past years that my husband and I were together. Now he can’t say anything but to accept it. I am being unfair to him?
You are in a tough spot. You should do what you feel is proper. In most countries, it is a crime to be married to more than one person. It isn’t acceptable in my culture, and it sounds like that it isn’t in yours either. I don’t know where he is from, and what their rules are, but that sounds like a serious breach of trust.
He has become accustomed to living this way, so you are the one rocking the boat. Not that I would agree with him, but that is how he might view this turn of events. In the end, you are responsible for you and your situation. There are no easy routes forward, as you have indicated the present situation is not acceptable. But a decision has to be made, and it sounds like you have taken the first step. What follows will depend on you, him, and what arrangement can be found to which you both can agree.
I am unfortunately finding myself in this situation at the moment. The love of my life for the past 15 years, married for almost 10 with three beautiful children, has recently told me although she loves me very much, she is not “in love” with me as the spark has faded. We are both beginning to work on this through counseling but today she told me she needs her space to figure things out for herself. As much as I have made a concerted effort the past three weeks to try and champion her back, it has proved futile and space is what she is requesting as she finds what it is she is looking for in her life. Because I love her so much, I have to set her free and grant her her space to examine her life and find what it is she is looking for at the risk of suffocating her and really making her run away. She has said we both want the same thing, for us to be together forever, but she just doesn’t know what she is going through now or what it is she is looking for. I only know this, because I love her so much, I will be waiting for her when she returns from finding what it is she needs to find. Unfortunately if she doesn’t, I will have no choice but to move on and pick up the pieces but at least I know it was never meant to be.
That is a sad situation indeed. Perhaps you could spend a little time thinking back to all the things you used to do when you were first dating. Sometimes the spark goes cold when we take others for granted. I don’t know how much space she presently requires, but you might want to ask her to a movie or dinner, once she is in a more receptive place. Woo her all over again. Yeah, it’s probably a lot of work, but it sounds like you think she’s worth it.
I wish you all the best in your quest.
Over the course of my life, I have taken a more firm root in ‘if you love something set it free’ philosophy, than the ‘true love’ branding. Probably because the word has been used by my mouth, but me not knowing what it truly means; how it truly feels. So I thank you for parsing that out.
My belief is that my not knowing ‘love’ did come from the feeling that I held of myself. It has been such a turtle-like process to capture the significant moments from childhood and watch them play out in adult life. The problem being that every time they were playing out, to me, they seemed unique and individual– like how could this end of this relationship be because of me and my inabilities?
Well, they were.
One man, though, stood out. And of course, I pushed that love away, too, as inside of myself, there was no rooted love.
Surprisingly, I have begun to do be decent to myself, and am finding more care inside. The process, the feeling, is new to me. I am continuing down its path, as it is so much brighter and shinier than where I sat previously– the feeling of ‘personal’ never felt more honest. The health of my interior life has risen.
I will find out about this ‘true love’ by simply continuing my journey of self health and walking down my road. I know one thing: If true love reflects that which comes from the inside, it will stand out, it will stand alone, and it will shine brightly.
Thank you, that was beautifully said. I am also glad you realize it is a journey, not a destination. I wish you well as you continue on your travels.
I use to belive in this quote… and still do kind of, however it really doesn’t apply all of the time. Honeslty, (now this is my own opinion based on my experiences and what I’ve observed of other experiences) it’s ok to let someone go…. Yes, if you truley love them you will set them free. It is unfair to hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be there. On the flip side, why would you want to take someone back who didn’t really love you the first time and left you for their own selfish reasons. The reasons leading up to your crossroads of letting them go, are the things that describe what love is NOT. When people don’t want to be in a relationship many times they don’t communicate that with you rather they deceive you and do things the evoke jealousy, anger, selfishness, etc. When it’s NOT true love, it brings out the negative traits in both people. Why would you want to go back to that? Why welcome back someone who was selfish to hurt you and abandon your unconditional love so they can be free to test the waters and check out “greener pastures” and expecting you to welcome them back with open arms and legs when they are finally done playing and checking out greener pastures. It’s unfair to expect that one will wait and accept that false love back after HOPING those that leave will grow up, find themselves, have their space, etc. or whatever other lame excuse they provide on their way out the door… Life moves forward and passes us by…. “Life is too short”… Oh yes, and the “Let’s remain friends” is the easiest wait to ensure they still have a foot in the door when they want to come back after realize that the pastures are not greener on the other side, rather they are green where you actually water them. Even still… nothing is guaranteed and even when they come back there is no way to know that they won’t need space again… or they wont go through another phase…. it’s discipline! Everyone changes, everyone needs a little “me time” and no matter what age we are we will continue to find ourselves and go through phases… but it doesn’t justify or mean that you hurt the one who loves you or that is always there for you most during the process. That should be when you hold on even tighter to each other, communicate, pray, seek help (from the RIGHT resources) and work through the issues together. If you can make it through the storm TOGETHER…that is how you know it is meant to be. That’s just my opinion…Thanks for reading.
I agree, this quote doesn’t apply to every situation. For people in abusive relationships, I hope they run and never go back.
As for why they leave, that depends on the situation. But I hold out hope, tempered with observation. There is redemption, and people do make mistakes. Some mistakes are forgivable, others are not so easily forgiven. Again, every situation is unique.
If it isn’t true love, why haven’t you left already? That’s a serious question. If you’re going to take the position that if it isn’t true love, the quote is invalid (if I’m reading you correctly). I would take the opposite position, and say that it does apply, and why are you still there? You should have left and not returned, as you were never theirs to begin with. Does that make sense?
Facing the storm together is probably one of the toughest tests there is, and it is also the best team-building exercise available. If the relationship survives, it will be much stronger, provided the relationship remained the goal. As soon as it becomes I win, you lose, you don’t have a relationship, you have a contest (and not a friendly one at that).
Yep, we all have opinions. Thanks for sharing yours. And thank you for reading as well.
This is kind of funny though. I have been in love with this girl for 3 and half years. when we first met we were both charming and loving each other. we met in May 2009. she even decided to come and live with me after 3 months of knowing each other. In Dec 2009 we both discovered she was pregnant. we talked about it and I was so happy to let her know that I needed her to have the baby for me and she was so happy too as it was her first time. In march; 2010 she got a miscarriage when she was 5 and half months pregnant. It was very hard on both of us but especially on her as she loved her baby. It took her 6 months feel better. late in 2010 until april 2011 she was asking me to make her pregnant again;
we tried doctors, prayers, etc… but to no success. She never got pregnant. I proposed to marry her legally; she accepted it and on 31st May 2011 we got married; she continued seeking to get pregnant; she had herself checked on a monthly basis so as to get pregnant but to no success. I loved this woman so much and us not having a baby together was no big deal for me although it is to her. Then in 2012 things started going wrong; she all of a sudden changed to another person; she started loosing interest in me; she could go back to her family without even telling me by disappearing and her family could call me; she did this about 7 times in 2012 the last time being in June. she went on seeking for a divorce; I gave her time to think; then after 2months staying at her parents; I went there to talk about the divorce she wanted as I was ready TO LET HER GO despite the LOVE I still had for her.
On realising that I was so serious about giving her the divorce she was demanding from me; she went down on her knees and cried and said she was sorry for hurting my feelings and that she was ready to be a good wife again and that I could forget about the divorce because she wanted to come back and live with me; THERE’S NO MAN I KNOW THAT COULD NOT FORGIVE SUCH A WOMAN which I did.
Since June 2012 Until December 5th we were okey and living nicely until Dec 9th 2012 when she again disappeared and when I returned from work I found she had gone away; this time she did not go to her parents place; rather went to some of her girl friends and stayed there; she blocked me and I could not talk to her on phone but only sms which she never responded to; I called her parents and they also did not know where she was; all she told them was that she was happy where she is and not at my place. Then I asked her again to let me talk to her through an sms and she let me talk to her and she told me that it was over between me and her and that she had found a new person who loves her so much and that who is so special to her and that she went on asking me to MOVE ON.
Before when she disappeared I used to loose my minds; had sleepless nights and my working days were so bad that every workmate could recognise I was not in good moods. But this last time she has disappeared I do not know what to say but in one word I can say that “I FELT NOTHING; I FELT EMPTY IN MY HEART” I did not loose my mind any more; I just felt like it is high time I move on with my life and do my own staff to make myself a happy man again. It is now a month since she went. Just two days ago I went to a nearby country for some business mission and I happened to coincidentally see her. I approached her; she was with her auntie who lives in that city and other two girl friends of hers. She was so surprised to see me and I do not know if it was out of shame or what… she tried to create a scene… that she did not want to talk to me. I told her that I was on a business mission to that country and I happened to see her and had to meet her; I told her it is fine with me if she did not want to talk to me; then she asked me to meet her at her aunties’ place in that city (because I have been to her aunties I know the place) I told her I was still busy and would link up in 2hrs. After 2hrs I went there and found her there waiting for me. She invited me in the living room and we had a little chat. Funny thing she was still wearing our wedding ring and I asked her why she is still wearing it and if it does not make her new boy friend jealousy and she said she simply wore it to keep away men from hitting on her and that she removes it when she is with her new boy friend. I told her that I wish her luck and that it was great to meet her again. Then I called my friends to come and pick me and they did; and I just went away and we have never met again or talked again since then.
I HAD TO LET HER GO to see the world her own way because I think that I deserve better and not be treated like this wasting my love and time on someone who does not value my love for her; someone that takes my love for granted. I have already made a very huge decision this time; that even if she returned to me after some time apologising and saying all sorts of sympathetic staff to me; I will never let her again in my life; she ruined my life; to the extent I lost respect at work and in my family. I thought she cared for me but she did not. However; I still feel EMPTY; I feel NOTHING for her; for anybody else; there’s this new girl who just finished her degree in law from Canada who I just met; we are friends and talking about this and that; she is so beautiful and charming and we have gone out together once last two weeks when my wife had runaway from me. I happened to talk to her about my issues with her; and she was telling me that she could assist me to move on by giving me some of her quality time (visiting me; going out for dinner; going out together for a movie; blah blah blah but no sex because I specifically told her that it was too early for any of us to indulge in any fornication acts because I hate that) and she promised to be there for me and make me happy; however; I STILL FEEL NOTHING AND EMPTY EVEN FOR HER TOO. I feel like my heart is FROZEN; I feel like I have never even loved anybody; although at least am now good at my work; and I have actually improved and am a little happier but no LOVE for anyone else. Yesterday I also told this girl that we should end this because I do not want to hurt her but she insists that she understands and that she will give me all the time I need to first settle which is a good thing.
Guys; I cannot go on lamenting about my issues; but this is what I have been going through since december 2012. I do not know what you guys are going to say; all I need is your comments are very welcome concerning this subject.
Estranged husband,
Abd El Hamiid.
That is a moving story. I hope you get to feeling better. In time, you probably will. The wound is still new, and will take some time to heal. In my relationships, including a failed marriage, it took time to move past the hurt and numbness that accompanied the breakup.
My council would be to take it easy, and allow your heart to heal. That doesn’t mean ignoring everyone, but neither would it include excesses on being with others. Which exact path between them will be different for each of us, and might even vary from day to day for you.
I wish you all the best, and remind you that you are stronger than you might imagine. Just give it a little time. Hopefully your Canadian friend, and any of your other friends, will understand your need and respect your wishes.
wat if u fell for ur best friend..he just broke up with his girlfriend..they shared a lot together..he always implied stuff in a joking way (about us)..sometimes i felt he has feelings for me but i was never sure..and now he left her..i dont knw wat to do..is it the right time to let him go now? to see wat he’ll do or not? i dont want to waste my time if i cant have him..the heartache is unbearble..should i follow the quote?
What you do is, of course, up to you. The point of the quote is to realize that if someone is not yours, no amount of working to keep them will keep them there forever. If you are able to be honest with all the people involved, you could state what your desires are, and let them have a say in the matter. So often people make these decisions without knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling, and that can lead to some pretty serious consequences.
I wish you all the best in your journey through life.
What specifically mean by “he thinks too little”? Thats a very good question which I’ve wondered myself, and I feel like he could potentially be someone who will work with me, but than again I can totally see him being an obstacle I’m stuck in the middle which is no help. Your guidance is greatly appreciated.
By that I mean that in such things, things are relative. Is it too warm, or do you prefer something cooler? Do you think too much, or does he not think enough? It was probably a flippant comment, not one to be taken seriously, but that is for you to determine.
When you can see both sides of an argument, it is probably because you are still within it. Try to remove yourself, and ask the questions as if you were talking about the relationship a friend was having. Having a different perspective may help.
Philysiblog, My boyfriend and I of 3 months broke up about 3 weeks ago, he moved down to southern Cali, i was initially going to with him also and live down there together but he left without me because I wanted to move to Seattle with my brother and i wanted him to come, he was deciding as to where he wanted to go, he stopped texting one day and the next day i went to his apt to find out he left the previous day down to cali without me. This hurt me so much I was in so much pain, we still text every day and just talk about how life is going for each other and I’ll be moving to Seattle in 2 weeks and asked him to come along. He said he would think about it and he most likely would go up there, In a sense I feel like he let me go and he went his own way but I can’t help to think that this phrase applies to us, in the sense that he let me go, and i’m coming back to him. Do you think this is the case?
Without hearing his side, and his motivations, I am hesitant to comment on who let go, and who is going back. His leaving without telling you doesn’t sound too promising to me. You will have to get a satisfactory response and reason from him, I would think, before you seriously considered getting back together as a couple. It sounds like you are still friends, and sometimes that’s how things end. However, if he ran away once, what will it take to cause him to run away next time? I would give that question some serious thought, were I in your position. I wish you the best as you work your way through this situation.
Thank you so much for your input, I asked him this morning if he saw our relationship growing stronger, and if he was willing to try to work it out with me again, his response was this “Wow you spend too much time thinking of things.” What does that specifically mean? I need someones guidance very much. Thank you!
Well, there are two ways to look at his response. Either you think too much, or he thinks too little.
As you look to your future, is this the kind of person who will fit in, who will work with you? Or will they be an obstacle to be worked around?
I am 28 years old.I have a seven years relationship,but I am not so sure about my feelings anymore.He is the same age as me.The other boy is older than me with five years,but he is very complex,he is afraid to get involved in another relationship because he suffered so many times.I tried to convince him about my feelings,but nothing.I’ve been doing that for about four months but he is still subject me to all sorts of “tests” to be sure about my feelings.I am not sure what should I do,I am in a different country now,far from both of them.I am tired and I really don’t know what to do anymore.My official boyfriend is calling me everyday and maybe I shoul tell him that I need a break or somethin’.I really can’t stop thinking about the other one.It is very strange what happens.
Yes, that sounds very strange. I believe you actually have two problems, and that you should tackle one first, then the second.
First, I believe you should settle yourself with your “official boyfriend.” Is he still your boyfriend, or not. You will need to consider him only, not by comparison to the other guy. When you know where you stand with the “official” relationship, you should promptly let the “official boyfriend” know where he stands.
The first decision should help clarify your status with the other guy. If you have broken up with the “official boyfriend” and are still interested in the other guy, you will have to determine how many more ‘tests’ you are willing to endure before you tell him to quit playing with you, and move on.
You have a lot to consider, and I hope you give it some serious thought. I hope things work out for you.
I don’t know what love is.I don’t know who I am in love with? Are two men in my life.How can I be sure who I really love? Please give me some clues,anything, because I really don’t know what to do anymore.Thank you!
There is little I can do, as I cannot tell what your feelings are for either of them. There are also the differences between romantic and practical desires. How you feel towards them, as well as how they feel towards you are important factors. How mature are they? How deep is their love for you, or are you an infatuation? If you are under 25 years old, you will probably find that neither is the right one for you, although there is always the possibility I am wrong. You will have to spend a lot of time looking within yourself, searching your feelings, and considering your options. I wish you the best of luck on your journey of discovery.
philosiblog,
I’m not looking for a right or wrong answer; I just want to understand from another persons perspective. I dated a man for two years, within those two years, we never argued, got along great. our families both met and were very excited that we found each other. He had met my family and i had met his family. we had been talking about marriage and talked about our future plans so five months ago we set a time frame in which we would discuss a wedding date and we could let our family know. Within those last 5 months we grew closer with each other. so that day came where we would discuss a date He replied he wanted to wait another year before the date was set. i went quite and agreed even though i didn’t agree with his decision. The next day he asked me to call him when i got home and told me ” i feel like there are no sparks with us any more, I do not feel the same way as you do any more. Within two weeks he joined a dating site to pursue a long term relationship.
i am confused as how this happened, when i can’t think about anything that would trigger a memory where i felt the relationship was lacking. He did a awesome job about keeping his feelings inside and showed me the love that i thought was mutual. my concern is if he knew ahead of time why did he not communicate earlier he was having doubts and needed time.
I thank god, and saved me a future of heartache
Sorry, I have no idea what was going through his head. The two possibilities that came to mind. The first is that he slowly fell out of love, and hid the fact for as long as he could. The second is that he panicked at the end and broke it off as forcefully as possible (burning his bridges behind him).
I wish you the best in the future, as you heal from this experience, and (hopefully) emerge a little smarter and a little wiser, even if you are a little sadder.
A man who wanted me for an entire year never gave up on me I wouldn’t give him a chance for the fact that he was 29 and I was 19 at the time. I was never interested in him until we spent time together and I really got to know him. I realized he was the only man who would treat me right. We ended up dating for 7 months we have a few arguments but nothing ever that serious and we always apologized after and moved on. We were the happiest couple ever, before getting into this relationship I made sure to ask that since I was so young I did not want him to realize that I was not want he would want anymore and he would want to start a family and move on because I can’t give him that until I graduate from college in 2 years. Come november I told him he was one of the reasons why I did not go away for school and it’s been on his mind sense then. 3 days before christmas he decided to let me go because he thought he was holding me back in life and he was ready to move out of his parents house and move on with life and he did not want to drag me down with him to do something I did not want to do but I wasn’t ready to do. I would have no problem moving in with him but I can’t give him children yet. He is not talking to anyone else or even have anyone in mind he loves me a lot and he even said his self he doesn’t think were what’s best for each other but he does not think he can let go. I just turned 20 a few days ago & he will be 30 in January. Why not just wait 2 more years for me? I did not reach out to him after this because I wanted him to miss me & realize what he gave up 2 days later I got the text “I know this is not gonna help. But I really miss you!” What do you think about this? You think he will realize he made a bad choice and want to work this out?
I don’t know. That’s a complex situation, and the subtleties of a relationship don’t translate well onto paper. You will have to take some time and make sure this is the right decision for you, pro or con. Yes, your emotions will impact your decision, but I believe you will get the best possible result if you also use the logical side of your mind as well. I wish you all the best, as this will probably be a tough decision.
Hi gud moi. Pls i need help ugently, am in love with a girl, she knws very wel that i love her, we have ben seeing each other 4 ova a year nw bt she have nt for 1day told me she loves me, each time i raise d issue of love, she says she dont fancy love and wants us to be friends. I told her that i dont want to be just friends and she said shes nt interested in love stuf and i askd why, she said because we live in the same street. Each time we are together, she allows me to touch her, hold her waste, atimes i kis her cheek bt her mouth she says no. Since we started, it was only twice that she hugd me so tight. We have had many mis undastanding in which i used so many harsh words on her, i told her shes a player and i called her so many names and she deleted me 4rm her list where we use to chat online, i lata apologizd and afta few days she 4gave me and added me back. Yesterday i asked her who am i to her and she said i shuld nt askd her, i insisted and she said she wil tel me online, wen i opened my inbox, i saw her msg and she told me she cant love me and that shes engaged to sum1, my hrt was broken, i cried and decidd to let go of her bt up til nw, my heart wants her d more pls advice me.
There isn’t much for me to say. She has made her choice. For you to have any chance, you need for her to want you as well, and that seems to be over. Sorry.
Great definition of true love. Really puts everything in perspective. Ive got one for you, it’s driving me up the wall. I met this girl in 2010 through my good friend. She lived in a different state than me (about 2000 miles). So we talked and everything for a few months. We physically met after 4 months of talking at her grandparents. We spent the entire day/night together and the next night. She went back home and we continued distance. She came back 12 months later and stayed with me for 4 days. She left and I stayed with her for 2 weeks a month later. Since then everything’s went downhill. We talked about kids and marraige and everything. She cried when I went home and everything. She got really busy with school and work during the summer and we didnt talk very much at all. She got mad at me for not texting her much, I stopped because she always said she was busy or didn’t reply. So after she said that I started talking more with no responses. She then said we should wait to be together when she moved here in two years. She also said she wanted to see other people because she wasn’t happy with distance. I waited three weeks and tried again. Nothing. Talked to her friend and she said she was living with her new bf. She finally responded to me today and didn’t say anything about a new bf or living with one. She just said that I should move on and basically we wouldnt ever be together again and that she couldn’t talk because it’s complicated. I don’t know what went wrong or anything. I know she still loves me. She always said that I was the one and nothing would change that. I need some input. I’m lost…
From what you have said here, there certainly seemed to be a great deal of interest on her part, at least at first. Perhaps the ‘shiny’ wore off, or something else caught her eye.
Communication always seems to show up in relationship problems. This seems to be a part of what happened with the two of you. Whether it is salvageable, I don’t know. It sounds like, based on what her friend said, it’s over. That said, it sounds like you’re still fairly young, and she might do a little more dating and then come back to you.
The first thing I would try to do is get the communication going again. Ask her point blank where you screwed up. A blunt question which puts the blame on yourself may just get her to open up, and start the conversation. I would caution about sounding desperate or clingy. That has not shown much usefulness in my experience, and usually is counterproductive. Lay out your position, your desires, and your goals, and ask her where hers differ. It might just come down to being lonely for months at a time. Who knows. Only way to find out is to ask.
If you do establish at least a communication channel, then ask how to not screw up in the future. Ask her for her rules. How often are you supposed to call, text, or e-mail? Everyone has their own expectations. Unfortunately, most people also assume that you know and respect their expectations, even though they have never told you what they are. Find out, and keep checking on your status (without sounding desperate). Good luck!
Good advice. I am fairly young, 25 she is now 20. I met her when she was 19. That’s one thing I was concerned with because she’s so young. I just emailed her basically saying that I won’t bother her anymore and that I’ll always want her again and what we always talked about. I also said that I don’t know what happened and that she doesnt have to respond to the email. You may be right about the “shiny” wearing off by not seeing each other often or at all for that matter. I know for a fact she still has feelings for me. I just don’t know if she really knows what she wants or anything. It just doesn’t make sense at all because we were so perfect and happy until I came back home and time passed on and we grew apart. I do think that eventually, maybe in years to come if I contact her again maybe things will rekindle. I’m not usually this attached to a single girl but since ive had a lot of different gfs and have had no luck, she seemed like a needle in a haystack and I dont want to lose someone that special. I may never did someone that means that much to me again or have that good of a connection with. I really could see me spending my life with her and never have the thought to cheat or leave her. So should I just wait a little while and send the message you said to send?
It looks like you have taken some time to examine your life and the relationship. As for an answer to the final question you ask, I imagine you already know the answer to it. There comes a point where the line between advising and meddling is crossed, and I think you are best equipped to make that decision.
Something I would like to mention is that not every close friend has to be a romantic interest. I have several friends from high school I still keep in touch with, and many of them are simply close friends. Perhaps that is all this will ever be. However, I would celebrate a close friend, not mourn the loss of a lover. As always, your mileage may vary. 8)
I wish you the best of luck. Life isn’t always easy, and it’s rarely fair, but that doesn’t mean we don’t give it our all, right?
Philosiblog..
I’m in love with this guy, but my parents will not accept him, it hurts him and I and because they won’t accept him he think it’s best to have nothing to do with me and for me to move on.. But I can’t move on, I know that he is good for me and I need him as he makes me really happy when we are together.. And why should he be the one with the say to tell me to move on, why can’t I have a say.. I suppose i have just got to wait and say if he will come back to me ? Please help 🙁
If I understood your comment, you have two issues. The first (and lesser) is that your parents don’t like him. The second (and more important) is that he apparently is telling you to move on. To have a relationship, you need both parties to be interested. If he is telling you to go, then there is only one person interested in the relationship. That isn’t going to work out, at least not according to my experiences. It sounds like there is nothing you can do but accept what he says, and move on.
That was one of the best interpretations of that quote i’ve heard ever since I stumbled upon it a while back. Philosiblog, I need some advice. My situation right now is pretty complicated but here’s the short story. I got caught up in a lie that I told to my boyfriend a while back. It was pretty serious and his parents contacted mine and the whole thing fell apart. But through it all, he still found the grace and forgiveness and still wants to be my friend and hopefully in the future something more. I told him that right now we should let go and move on with our lives. But being away from him and not talking just makes me absolutely miserable and i know he’s suffering through it too. I know his parents don’t like me anymore and want him to continue on with his life and to keep his focus on their plan for him and to forget about me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been praying for forgiveness and guidance but I thought maybe you could help.
Not knowing you or your exact situation, I can only say what I would do. I would reach out to him and explain where you are. Leave it open for him to respond. If you show up all needy and whiny, you could be seen as attempting to manipulate him.
It sounds like you may need to talk with your parents as well. I believe without their support at home, you will find moving forward to be much more difficult. You will also have to make peace with yourself, as continuing to beat yourself up over a past mistake isn’t going to help you move forward. Learn from it, and demonstrate that you have learned, that is the best thing I can advise you to do.
Next, presuming that things went as well as you imply and that he wants to have some level of relationship with you, the next task I would set after is mending fences with his parents. That probably won’t be as simple as asking for their forgiveness. You will have to demonstrate that you are not the person they believe you to be. How you do that will depend on exactly how you screwed up, and what they actually think of you.
Your friend might be able to give you insight into what they believe about you, but it will still be your job to correct their perception. If you try to get him actively involved, I fear you will drive a greater wedge between you and his parents. You don’t want to be cast in the part of the evil, manipulative girlfriend.
It will not be an easy task, but it is one that must be completed if you are to get what you believe you desire. I wish for you all the strength you can muster, and the dedication that it will take to complete this task. But ultimately, it will be a test of your will. Are you ready for the job? Are you willing to see it through? Again, you will have to answer those questions.
Very good explanation and insight on this quote at the top, and I agree it’s the only valid test of true love. I experienced this recently on a break up.
In practical terms, I would as a man add that if you truly love someone, make sure you show it in ways that she appreciates before its too late, and it gets to the point where this test occurs, and fails. Showing a woman your love, respect and appreciation endears them and there emotional response to you all the way along. You can’t afford not to.
Yep. Communication that THEY understand and appreciate is critical to developing and maintaining a relationship.
Thanks for the comment, glad you liked the post.
Hello philosiblog I am currently in a situation where I have to choose between my marriage or divorce I ve been married for several years. Due to financial situation my has to travel abroad nd we spent like 8 years without seeing each other. After that he finally comes back 3 years ago. He is now telling me he ll be going back because our situation hasn’t change . He has asked me to wait for him if I can’t we should then divorce I still love him that I am so afraid of letting him go and at the same time I don’t think I should wait for him again. Can u pls give me any advice on what to do. Thank you.
This is a personal situation that you will have to work out.
I would start by making sure there are no other options. Can you go with? Are there other arrangements that can be made? How often can you see each-other?
How much of a relationship is left after the first time? How much will be left after this round? Will you be preserving a marriage only to divorce after he returns?
How good is your communication? Do you speak freely with each-other, or is that strained as well? An open discussion of these points would probably be the best thing you could do for your relationship.
That wasn’t an easy answer, more like a homework assignment. However, it is your life, not mine. I cannot decide for you, only offer my suggestions for you to consider.
I really appreciate your suggestions. Yeah I really have to do some home work, but u ve provided me with the the necessary tools to guide me. As u ve pointed we have a communication problem where I can’t express my real feeling he usually regard my suggestions as silly or not good enough and I cannot ask questions. I ll do my best nd see where it takes us. Thanks a lot.
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HI, I am having a hard time letting go my ex boyfriend. it is quite a story. We met 10 years ago through mutual friends, but we have lived all these 10 years in different countries. In these past 10 years we had met sometimes when we went to Peru (that is we both are from) for the holidays. There was always chemistry between us, but we could never made it developed because we were both married (but did not love our husband/wife anymore). Finally we met last year and we both were single (he has 2 kids I have 1). So this time the chemistry flowed and it was even better than we thought it would be. We still lived in different countries, so in the last year we were traveling back and forth (5 times total) and communicating through the phone and webcam, everyday). Everything was perfect but I got pregnant and since it was unexpected everything became crazy, love was still there, but the situation was difficult. We finally decided to move to Peru together. The change was gonna be hard, especially for him, because he was gonna live (at least for awhile) his 2 kids to go to Peru. But we were deep inside very exciting about the idea of finally being together…….Then I lost the baby, he came to see me for 2 weeks when that happen, and even it was hard because of our baby loss, we still were so in love and had a good time. it was so hard for me not only because of the loss, but he said that the Peru plan does not go anymore, that he cannot leave his kids and that he is not ready to live with anyone yet, he wanted to cool things down a little to give it more time to our relationship, which I understood and agreed. Right a month after we lost our baby he started doing things to pissed me off , he kind of tested my trust for him, which for me was hard, because he has a LONG cheating history with his ex wife (he even kissed me once in Peru when he was still married, I was not, but I rejected him). I don’t understand why he was doing these things to irritate me (adding as friends ex recent lovers of him on fb..when I just told him I dont think that is right. Changing his status from being in a relationship to single without letting me know, etc) he started doing this a day after he told me that we should spend some months together in Peru and see how things go and if it works out, we will be moving together to England. I did not like him testing me, especially in a day were a was so sad because of our baby loss. So I broke up with him. He said that it was the best to break up and he would be there if I need to talk about the baby. For 3 months I was trying to move on and let him go, it was so hard, because we would always find and excuse to communicate to eachother, I was so sad and depressed, and in the last month we were communicating a lot and flirting, and even made plans to travel together (as friends) and to see eachother again during this holidays in Peru, he even invited me to go to his friend’s wedding, etc. We got so happy about it, but I got so scared and told him that I dont want to make plans with him anymore, because after Peru he was gonna leave and it was gonna be “cool” for him, but I was gonna be so depressed again, and basically that if he does not to want a serious relationship with me (basically at least give it a try by living together), then I don’t want to see him again. He agreed to not see eachother again, but never told me anything about the “trying” part. Maybe that means he was just playing with me, even though he says that he still have strong feelings for me and he was also scared to see me again in Peru and fall in love again. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like dating anyone else, I am so sad, because deep inside me I still have hope of being together again. Please help.
Wow. That’s a lot of history. However, I think you mentioned your key in a relationship, and that he didn’t have it. Trust. Can you ever be completely happy if you cannot trust him? If you cannot trust him, you know eventually you will have to break up with him. Would it be more painful to do it now, or do it later? While saying later avoids pain now, I imagine the pain will be greater after you have invested even more time with him.
I can’t tell you what is right for you, but I would recommend taking some time with him and explaining what you require in a relationship, and what your concerns are about his ability to live up to your expectations. If you believe his answers, and can make suitable arrangements, then it might be worth doing. If not, you don’t have a relationship, but an emotional time bomb, waiting to explode. Ultimately, you will have to make the decision. I wish you luck.
This is a funny quote.
When my ex boyfriend said that i deserve better, and he will never be able to give me what i need (although i thought the world of him and loved him with all my heart and was grateful for having such a lovely man in my life) and he is not ready to commit and i let him go, when he came back, he was upset that i let him go ‘too easily and i should have fought for him’. I started laughing and I said ‘look, you wouldn’t have liked that. It was hard for me to let you go, but i respected your decision. If this is what you want. this is what you want- i am not supposed to convince anybody to stay with me- i deserve better’.
We got back together, some other beautiful months together down the line. Thought we were going to be together FOREVER, based on this quote. But guess what? We broke up again and I heard the same thing. ‘ You’re too good for me’. The same story.
But this time i believed it. He was right. I am too good for him, for the simple reason that i don’t mess around with people’s hearts. You don’t come and go. You’re gone, then don’t text me at 3 a.m saying that you miss me. You stay, you stay with all your heart.
He raised the score. If he wants to come back, to gain my trust again, to be able to feel safe next to him, it will take a hell of a lot more than a’ oh how sad i am without you’. If he doesn’t come back, he did me a favor.
I know it sounds harsh and i love him so so much, he is my first love and it hurts like hell, but i deserve to be happy, not trashed around because of somebody’s comittement issues.
Plus……..if i reject somebody, i would rather die than go back to them. I would rather know that i will be single and surrounded by cats for the rest of my life than going back to the person i once didn’t want ( no matter the reason). And then…………if you reject me…..it’s my rules and my game if i decide you’re worth the hassle to get you back.
And don’t guarantee that I will be waiting an eternity, for you to finish whoring around and to decide that you didn’t find somebody better, like you would have hoped, and to come back to me.
Wow, that’s quite a story. I hope you said all these things to him, not just to me. 8)
You are right, it is your life, and you must do what is right for you, just as others must do the same. When things work out, it’s great, but if not, I believe it’s best to find out sooner, rather than later.
Best of luck to you.
well..it seems to me, that it is only speaking from one side. if,i push a man that i care for away, with the intent of letting him go, then he re emerges,only to do the same to me, then it is a constant affirmation of love but it is also extremely painful to endure for both parties.the instability of this “test” i think leads to a lot of depression and stress,but it also shows that love,true love, is WORK.it takes work,heartache,headaches, risk of loss and risk of failure in order to learn the opinions and thoughts of the other person in this tug of war we call love.
Yes indeed. I agree with both the risk, the pain, and the effort involved. Note that I don’t recommend pushing someone away just to test them. My recommendation is to not stop them if they are committed to leaving. Yes, give it a shot to keep them with you, but don’t go overboard. If they insist, let go. If they come back, they were yours all along. If not, they were going away eventually. I believe it’s better to know sooner rather than later.
but i speak in generality not in personal experience. However i believe this “test of true love” to be flawed. If one person pushes another away, then the other does the same, then what we have is a never ending battle of “prove you love me by coming back to me.”
I believe that real true love is the act of fighting for what you love. of course i dont mean “fighting “in the literal sense,but fighting in that you struggle to communicate and to understand your partner. you speak to them and listen to what they are saying,trust the words they say as being spoken from the heart,mind and not just depend on your own thoughts or feelings to assign them their beliefs. the attempt to understand and trust another human being is, i believe,the hardest work one will ever have to put in. to try and erase the fear of heartbreak and pain is difficult. but to no longer fear something, you must understand it. and so many people will fear the one they claim to love.trust in them,trust in yourself and trust in the words and actions that your partner demonstrates, “fighting” for love via means of understanding,communicating, trusting and loving that other person,and not being unfaithful when times get difficult,now, THAT is the true measure of love.Letting something go,means that you never loved it to begin with. to give up fighting for it means it never was something worth fighting for. if you work hard at it and you fight for it then you deserve to have it. if not, then letting it go is the only option. that is allowed.
Again, I do not believe in pushing them away as a test. Yes, I believe you should fight for them (in the metaphorical sense). But don’t trap them, trick them, or manipulate them. They are not yours to keep.
I believe you are spot-on with the discussion of communication. Without good communication, every relationship is doomed.
One caveat in your discussion – you presume the other person is both trustworthy and in love with you. If either premise is false, it’s time to let them go, right?
My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 2 days ago. He told me that I have trust issues and he’s tired of it. I really don’t want to walk away from this relationship I love him so much. He told me he wanted time to think and said I could call him to say hi, but not discuss us. Last night as I was preparing for thanksgiving I took a couple of shots and decided to call him. He told me that we were done for now and that our relationship is on hold and that he believes I’ll be happier without him. He says that’s how he feels now and doesn’t want to be with me.
I told him we should see each other face to face as we broke up on the phone bc we now live 2 hours away. He said he had no problem with that. Before I hung up I told him that I loved him and he said he loved me too.
I admit my own insecurities even though I trusted him I questioned him here and there. We’ve talked about getting married next summer and now I ruined it all. I’m so devastated I can’t live my life without him.
What should I do ? He agreed to come down next week. What do I do or say to keep him?
The first thing you must realize is that you cannot keep him. Unless he wants to be with you, he won’t. If you do something to ‘keep him’ today, you only postpone the inevitable. You will spend the rest of your relationship fighting, twisting, and manipulating to keep him. That you also have trust issues will only make the whole thing more difficult. That said, your comment on the date on the object in your other message seems to indicate he might not be as trustworthy as you deserve.
I would recommend you take some time this weekend and consider what you have to do, what you have to believe, what you have to become to be the person who can have a stable and mature relationship. Probably not the words you wanted to hear, but I believe, based on your comments, that it is the conclusion you will eventually reach. I’m just trying to save you a few months or years of heartache. My advice is free, and worth every penny. You are the only one who can make decisions for yourself, and you are the one who will bear the consequences of your actions, not me.
Life isn’t always easy, but there are ways to make it harder. Trying to force someone else to have certain feelings is one way to make it harder. Take a deep breath, and look at the beginning of your new life.
Thank you so much this is probably the most honest and best response I’ve received.
Totally going through this right now. Me and my boyfriend of three and a half years let each other go mutually, in order for us both to grow (we’re only 19) We are still friends and still feel like we’re meant to be together. It’s only a matter of time before we both get back together. But if not, it wasn’t meant to be.
Yep, that’s pretty much the quote in action. Some people seem to understand it, others are too attached to understand it, although in time, they too will come to understand.
Ahh I got a problem. My boyfriend lost his feelings Towards me :/. He liked me for a year.. I always used to ignore him but finally decided to give a try. Since July we have een together.. But nowadays he doesn’t talk to me properly as we used to.. 🙁 he broke up with me few days ago saying that is all because of his parents I was begging him to stay with me *which was a mistake I think* and then finally he told me it’s cuz he doesn’t have any feelings Towards me.. Instead of begging him I just left him after he said it.. Then I texted him saying I can’t live without him and all that kind of bullshit * I’m so stupid :(* and then he replied he wants to try again.. Yesterday we weren’t talking properly cuz he wasn’t paying attention.. Ah i really like him now but he said it himself he lost his feeling Towards me.. Should I let him go? 🙁
It doesn’t look like you have much of a choice, given your description of events. For a relationship to exist, both must want it. It appears he no longer does. You can hang on, but it looks like eventually you will have to let go. Do you want to let go now, or in another month, or in six months, or in a year? When do you want to get back to living your life?
If I let go will he come back? Should I show that I don’t care? Etc? I really want him 🙁
You cannot change someone else. If you manipulate him into coming back, do you really have him? How much work will it be to constantly manipulate him in order to keep him? It sounds like too much work to me. I’d put that effort into becoming a better person. You’ll attract a better kind of person that way. Who knows, you might impress him. But do it for you.
I let him go yesterday.. I’m just asking.. Do you think he will come back? If I show that I don’t care? Yetsersay after we broke up he messaged me and spoke to me I wasn’t payin attention I was kind of ignoring him and then afterwards he put a sad face on his status does it mean anything? Please help me cuz I realized you are the best at it. 🙂
I thank you for the compliment, but I do doubt that I am the best at much of anything. There are so many other people out there… The only “best” that I can honestly say I am is that I am the best at being me.
Again, I would stay away from the theatrics, the feigned indifference, and the emotional (or psychological) manipulation. Besides giving you a bad reputation as a manipulative you-know-what, it’s a lot of effort, both short term and long term. I’d put that effort into becoming a better person.
That said, if you are still interested, sit down with him, face to face. Explain honestly what you want, and what you hope to get from him. If he is willing, you’ve got a chance. If he’s not, then you know it’s over. It’s a big step, but whether you know it or not, the decision has been made. Eventually the truth will be so obvious that you will see it. I believe it’s better to know sooner, so you can get on with your life, either with him or without him.
And, like the guy on TV says, “Your mileage may vary.” It’s your life, and you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.
Great blog and interpretation. Keep up the good work
Thanks! Glad you like it.
My wife and have split up but we live in the same house due to financial reasons. We also have children. Over the last 2 months I have become someone she does not even know. She has been drawn closer to another man she works with and said she does not know what they are but she said she can never be with me again as I have pushed too far. All she asks of me is to talk to her in the house and smile once in a while. I have changed so much that I pushed her to someone else and I am now realizing that I need to work on me and become the person she fell madly in love with 8 years ago. I made her feel like I did not love her over the past 4 years and she finally had enough as she felt she was holding us together. Now I think its too it’s too late but I realize how much I love her and want her in my life. I have let go and pray that whatever happens she can just be happy. I do do hope she may come back and I guess the upside is if I work on me she will see the change and if its meant to be, I will one day have her back in my arms.
Sorry to hear about the present condition of your relationship. However, you seem to have realized that you have changed, and grown apart from her. You also seem to have an idea about what changes you need to make to help things better. I hope you have let her know this, and that you are willing to work on yourself. You might want to share with her your thoughts on what needs the most change, and where you are trying to get yourself. See if she agrees, or if she has a greater objection to some other issues. I would refrain from placing any expectation on her that if you change, she has to come back. As you mentioned, you will have to win her back. It probably won’t be easy, and you may want to enlist professional help (for you changing you, and (if she is willing) a marriage/relationship counselor). I wish you all the best, but it will be up to you to make it happen. Use your deepest, warmest feelings for her as your motivation when things seem the bleakest. It may help you stay on course.
Philosoblog,
I appreciate the interpretation and couldn’t agree more. My girlfriend and i of three years broke up in late July where the feeling was mutual to take some time and figure things out. We talked once or twice a week through the months. In the beginning months of the breakup, she was the one wanting me back while I was still working on myself. Since then, I have made some changes that would fix a lot of things going on in our past relationship. However, three months later, she wants space. The past two weeks I have texted with my feelings for her, but feel I have driven her away. She claims she wants to keep in touch once or twice a week, but I feel like I just look forward to the day I can speak with her only to receive a standoffish reply that gets me more upset. I am considering just letting her go and no longer contacting her “the no contact rule” so I do not harm the space she requests. It is a frightening approach, because we used to have so much love for each other. I hope you can give me some advice as she is worth me going through a tough time as in letting her go in hopes she returns. I can tell she still feels for me but is afraid for me to relinquish my feelings once again since that harms the space she is now requesting. I’m just looking for some peace of mind and really want her to choose to love me again rather than stay in the background hoping for my cue again. Thank you for everything you share.
The only advice I can give is what the quote itself states. If she isn’t ready, pursuing her will only drive her away. If, in the end, she returns, you have her back. In the mean time, keep working on yourself, and try to enjoy life. Your choices are threefold, as I see it. You can pursue her against her wishes. You can wait and pine for her, doing little until she either returns to you or crushes your spirit. You can get on with your life and try to adjust to life without her.
While the last of the options appears the hardest, it is the path you must eventually take, if she decides to not come back. The more time you waste pining for her, the more of your life slips by. If you aren’t ready to start dating again, that’s fine, but don’t sit by the phone all weekend, just in case she calls, right? You must chose your own path, but I recommend you try to keep your head together, give her some space, and work on your own life. Either she will come back or she won’t. But you can’t make that choice for her.
I was with a woman for 2 years. I had 2 kids from a previous marriage (my wife died) and she has a son out of wedlock. We love each, we were inseparable you may. We didn’t live together but we were very close, i help her financially and to raise her son, etc. We talked about getting married and were just waiting for her parent to come back from overseas. Last year, one day (about 4 months before her parent comes back) she told me she want to break up with me. Nothing was wrong, we weren’t fighting in fact she told me everyday she loves me up to the day she broke up with me. I ask her why and first she lied and told me she just want to be alone, etc then later told me cos the boy father came and apologies and want to come back and she want to give him a chance because of their son. She doesn’t want the boy to grow up like her as she doesn’t even know who her father is. I was so hurt, still hurts to this day. After standing by her and help her, etc she make a choice that seems so illogical. She chose the person that hurts and humiliate her over me. She told me, she loves me but she want to make sacrifice for her son. She said she doesn’t trust him because he cheated on her before but she want to take a risk for their son sake. I understand this in my mind but my heart don’t get it. They married this year but we are still talking because we work together. They have problems because she said she missed me sometimes. For a time I was angry with both of them and want to beat up the guy, etc. I ask her sometimes to come back but she said she make up her mind to stick with her choice. From what she told me, he is overly protective of her. Not allow her to go anywhere. Now she’s happier, she told me she like her family now, etc. Before she use to tell me that she still loves and care about me but as time goes by I don’t think she loves me anymore.
In all this I love her and still want her to come back. The thought of setting her free hurts. I thought she was the love of my life. The circumstances of us meeting, I thought fate brought us together. When we were together we were crazy about each other, etc. Yet she walks. Now, I can’t be with anyone because I still loves her. I been with others after her but it’s never the same. I saw something in her that I want. Do you think she will ever come back? Do you think, I should wait for her and hope she comes back? Why hurts so much to set her free. In my heart, i felt she will come back, yet looking at her life (she’s happy with him now) I’m not sure. Is my heart right or is being deceived. Is that a normal feelings. I never felt this way before. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and she was my first girlfriend after my wife died.
I tried so many times not to talk to her, etc but we always end up talking. Either I would call her or she call me and say she want to check up on me. Is this good or should I perhaps go look for another job? My life is a mess because of this and she knows it and say sorry all the time but she want to stay with him. Do you think their love is the real love and I’m just interfering? Perhaps this article is about them? She let him go and now comes back and I’m unfortunate enough to be in the middle of it?
My mind wants to let go but my heart doesn’t. Does it get any worse than this?
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like she made up her mind. It appears to me that you have three choices, try to wreck their marriage, sit where you are and be miserable, or move on with your life.
To me, that was the point of the quote. You cannot control the other person. It’s kind of like pulling off a bandage. Do you go slowly, and agonize over every hair it pulls out, or do you just rip it off, muffle the scream, and move on? It’s your life, and your choice. But it appears that she has made her choice. She didn’t come back. The next move is up to you.
This article is exactly what I was looking for. I just had to let my best friend go because I feel that she was taking me for granted. We have been good friends for a year and actually started out dating first but I was not interested in her in a romantic sense because I felt that she was immature. Anyway, over the past year we have both grown a lot and I fell in love with her about a week ago. We have been taking things slow but last night, we were out with mutual friends and they wanted to go to a party that I couldn’t attend so she ended up leaving me at the restaurant to go to this party with one of our friends who does not treat her very well. I felt very betrayed because she left me, her best friend that has always been there for her, never judged or talked behind her back or lied to her, to hang out with a friend who treats her like dirt. She is so busy trying to seek approval from someone that doesn’t give a shit about her that she can’t see what is right in front of her. ME, the friend who she says understands and loves her the most. She has texted me 5 or 6 times but I haven’t responded because she needs to realize what she had and I need to move on and realize that it is pointless being in love with someone who does not love themselves because she will never be able to love me back until she does.
Your situation sounds similar to mine, despite you sounding more mature about the situation and controlled with your passion…… My girlfriend of almost 6 months just left me because she said she wasn’t happy and thought the spark had died out. Given I wasn’t completely satisfied with the relationship either, I should be fine with this- but whether it’s from being the one dumped, or simply having so much love for her, I am crushed and struggling with the next step. I too didn’t feel appreciated when we were together, especially in social settings, but when we would plan out dates or on special occasions, we have very romantic and intimate nights (laughter/smiles included). We are both undergrad students and were friends for a year before getting in a relationship, and I feel that the stress from our schedules and goals gets in the way of our bond. I want us to support each other and not be so high strung all the time but I feel like we just didn’t communicate enough.
Regardless, she obviously didn’t feel enough reason to try and work out our kinks or believe that we that we could, and left me 5 days ago. I say left because she added she just needed time, but I can only assume she meant that we were done. (But maybe she just needs to clear her head) I didn’t make a stand for our relationship because I was shocked and felt betrayed that she was just throwing everything away… but i’m starting to believe I need to move on. I honestly believe this is my first real love, and even though I know I deserve better, I think we could work it out if she came back. At this point I want to let her be and hope that she comes back, but I don’t know if I should interrupt the no contact situation to make it clear why I’m not fighting to get her back right now… she’s headstrong and I’m afraid she’s waiting for me to go get her. Please help
i’ll note that she asked me to promise her that we would still be friends/close, at which I couldn’t answer and denied. We’re both very busy and focused on school/extracurricular activities and don’t always have time to hangout, and I feel like she wants more attention. She knows I love her, but the past month I could tell she was fading away and wasn’t as interested in me. — open to all responses from any who cares
I would suggest open communication. Let her know what your feelings are, and that you understand life is busy. If you are reluctant to approach her directly, perhaps you know someone who can pass a message to her for you. There are always options.
If you are expecting, or at least hoping, for open and honest communication from her, you may have to lead the way. You won’t know until you talk with her.
This may well be a rough few weeks (or months) for you. Stay strong, and work on yourself and your school-work. Only time will tell, but it sounds like she needs some time and space, and you need to study. 8)
My thoughts and hopes are with you and your relationship. Your studies, well they are all up to you, aren’t they?
I dated someone for 4 months, the relationship wasn’t all that great but had potential to grow.. Due to how he behaved, I ended the relationship, but mostly bcos I had already met someone else but the new relationship didn’t even last a month. But I still didn’t go back to him.. Instead went on to be in another relationship, whilst in another new relationship, about 10 months later after we had broken up, he tried to come back, but I was on cloud 9 bcos this new relationship, I dismissed him.. Was in my relationship for quite a while almost a year, then eventually the new relationship ended as well. Then our of the blue, yet another 10 months later again, he came back again and he wants us to reconcile and start over.. And that’s when I thought of this quote, that if you love someone set them free and if they come back, they were yours and if not, then it wasn’t meant to be.. He cane back, he came back and asked him why, and he told me that I made a mark in his life in short space of time and he could never forget me no matter how hard he tried.. I was shocked to hear that and now I’m ready to take him back.. So I guess this can only mean we are meant to be together forever.. It’s fate!
I’m glad to hear that the quote has meaning for you. I presume that he as changed the behaviors that caused the first time to end, right? The relationship has to work for both people, or it isn’t a relationship.
I wish all the best for the two of you, but for it to work, both of you will have to want it, and both of you will have to work at it. Keep the lines of communication open, and don’t be afraid to talk about anything that bugs you (just be careful *where* you are when you’re talking).
Thank you for the reply.. Just a quick question, why do you say I should be careful where we are when I talk?
Some subjects are best discussed in private, not in the sock isle at Walmart, or while waiting for desert at a restaurant. That was all. 8)
Philosiblog,
My boyfriend and I just boke up because he was constanty late taking me out. I truly believe we both love each other, but I want him to treat me with respect. Showing up late means I’m last on his to-do-list He’s a great guy, but he can be irresponsible at times. The night I let him go, he was almost two hours late for our date. To make matter worse, he didn’t apologize for being late. We still went to dinner – I was angry. I tried to explan, it wasn’t that he was late, but failing to contact me to inform of being late – this is disrespectful. Driving back, we hardly said a word to each other. Mind you, we don’t live together. We get into the house and he turns around and walk out the door. I said, you’re walking out then take you things. He gave me the keys to my house and left. I asked not to walk away angry. He turned to me and said “I’m angry at myself, I make a mistake”. I just couldn’t continue allowing this kind of behavior in our relationship. I have tried to let him to the importance in communication. I hoping by letting go, he realizes why communication is the foundation of long and lasting relationships.
I wish you all the best. But if that’s the way he will always be, perhaps it’s better to let go now rather than later. On the other hand, this may help him learn something about himself, and give him a reason to change.
I agree. Remember that when you are dating, you are (or should be) seeing the person at their best. This does not bode well for a serious relationship or marriage when a person starts to really be themselves. What you are seeing is a snapshot of your future together. Accept it or move on. He is who he is.
Thanks for spending your time responding to me. I really apreciate it. Making occasional overtures is something I was planning to do and you rightly pointed that out. I will inform you of any progressive outcomes in due course. kind regards. SP
Thanks so much for a site like dis,all de comments were heart touching and philosiblog,ur are just de best!
You are most welcome. Glad you like it!
Philosiblog, I just ended a seven year relationship just by getting drunk and swearing at the woman I love so dearly. I told her to go suck his father’s D—! She was so upset, she packed up all her stuff, every trace of her in the house and left me two days ago. I know I swore unintentionally and I feel sot awful about what I said and I regret so much. I know she loves me too and she was shocked to hear this from the man she loves. I know she is hurt deeply and I hang me head in shame. Her father does not want me to come back to her. I dont know what to do. should I let her go or should I try to get her back?
I would give her a little time. I presume you’ve already sent word to her that you are sorry. That’s about all you can do, besides try to woo her again (and she’ll have to get over being mad at you first). If, as you say, she loves you, she will come back eventually, provided the hurt heals. I wish you luck in your attempts.
Thanks philosiblog. Yes I already apologised to her by text. Do you think I should apologise in person? I will give her some time. But being the extremely stubborn soul she is, she is never gonna heal at all. She texted me a day after she left saying she had found a new man and was ready to have his baby and all while she was still under my roof. I got so mad that I went over to her house and got into a fight with her and her brothers. Things got quite nasty there and I have left her be since then. But I did apologise to her after the little fight. Honestly talk about women and the statements they make with their actions. I will let her go and see if she comes back. But since I am the cause of the problem, should I go and get her back, or just wait for her to come to me?
This is getting a little too specific to try to deal with long distance. I would recommend you make occasional overtures, but you’re going to have to determine where the line between too much and too little is. You might also want to recruit a mutual friend to monitor the situation and help you with feedback. I wish you the best of luck, but that’s about all the more I can do at this point.
Philosiblog, I should also mention that my sudden burst of anger, agression and suspicion stems from the fact that I have been cheating on her for a while. Ever since I started see this other women, I have been abusing and mistreating the woman I love. Now she is away because of my abuse and violence towards her. I am sorry and I intend to apologise to her and confess to her for cheating. Any bright suggestions on how I should confess. Eg, is it ok to do it face to face or by a letter, the timing, the setting / enviroment etc. I just want to get this out and put is out the table for her to see and make up her final decision. Please help
This is a bit more than I am competent to advise you. I would strongly suggest finding a professional from whom you can get advice. A relationship, anger management, and/or mental health expert would be the kind of person I would look for. You are going to have to get your own house in order before you can invite someone to stay with you. Does that make sense?
Thanks for sharing! I have recently came to the understanding of letting someone you love go and if it is meant to be it will come back to you. Sometimes for one to realize and appreciate what they have, you must give them their freedom to explore. Unfortunately, it took almost four years for our love to rekindle. We both have grown/matured during our separation. From my experience, I now understand how much communication is necessary in a relationship. I don’t regret that we separated for so long because now we seem to be a much happier couple and the relationship has been like no other, growing stronger everyday.
Congratulations, and thank you for adding your story.
what if you are dating someone that is military. everything has been going good for the past nine
months.then there is a situation that gets out of hand, something small from big. he talks to you crazy
and yall go bk and forth and you get so sick of this situation that you get tired and walk away. you love
this person but wont tolerate them talking to u crazy and talking something else from another
situation and taking the action out on you. i left, will he come back?
Technically, if you left him, so for the quote to have symmetry, you would have to go back to them. That said, it sounds like they have an issue or two to work out. Until that is resolved, ya gotta look out for #1. Keep yourself safe, keep yourself sane. It sounds like you have made the decision that they are not in an emotional place where you are willing to live, and that they need to change. Stay strong, and give them space and time to figure it out.
There are a lot of people I have loved in my live. Some I still care for deeply. But they weren’t right for me. So they are history, and a set of (mostly) pleasant memories. Give it a little time, and see what develops. Who knows, they might come around. Then again, they might not. Time will tell. Best of luck to you, but keep track of your needs, not just theirs.
I really found out the true meaning of this quote, recently. I was in a situation in which a lover left me and found someone shortly after else. She wanted me as a friend (talk on the phone, get lunch, hang out, etc…), even after she was in this committed relationship. I can assume she has some leftover feelings for me, but I couldn’t be in that situation because of my feelings toward her. I told her we can’t be contacting each other, and that it’s best to completely let go. She won’t leave him for me, and I’ve accepted it. If it doesn’t work out with him and she comes back to me then I know her feelings for me would have never completely vanished.
But there’s no guarantee that I will feel the same way, though.
That’s how it goes, unfortunately. Sometimes the feeling goes away. Sometimes it does not. I wish you luck in the future, as you sort your way though this mess. The tough part may well be if she returns, not holding this episode against her, so long as she doesn’t repeat it.
thanks a lot
You are welcome.
same things happens with me. is she come to u till yet. ???
This is the best interpretation of this quote that I have ever read.. It’s not about letting go to see if he/she comes back, but instead give him/her space to figure out where they are. You can’t force love on someone; you can really only love him/her with the capacity that they love himself/herself. Meaning, if they don’t love themselves, they may not know how to love you back or even want to love you in the way you love them.
Well said. Thanks!
Amen…. I wholeheartedly agree!Thank you for sharing MEEE and Thank You philosiblog.
Your welcome! And I’m sorry to have taken so long to get around to approving the comment (it’s a holiday weekend over here).
But if you love someone why would you wanna set them free. What if they expect you to come back if you love them, and then wait for you to make the move to come back while you wait for them to come back too
Well, if you just walk away, they will probably think you dumped them, so you have a point. Some communication regarding what you are doing is required.
The point of the exercise is to differentiate mutual love from “clingy” love. If you’ve seen the Harry Potter series, think of the girl Lavender Brown who was smothering Ron Weasley in the Half Blood Prince (book & movie #6), you understand what I mean by “clingy” love. It is very one sided, right? If she had let him go for even a second, she’d have realized what kind of love she had, and that it would never last. While losing someone is rarely pleasant, it only becomes worse with time. Better (at least in my mind) to find out what you have earlier, rather than later.