Don’t open a shop unless you like to smile. – Chinese Proverb
Will you smile, or will you cuss? Which one does society say is proper?
What does that mean?
To me, this old saying is all about having the proper attitude for a situation. If you’re going to open a shop, you had better be prepared to make your customers feel welcome in your shop, or you won’t sell very much stuff.
In a similar manner, society has certain expectations for attitudes in different situations, and that is what I will be discussing for this post.
Why is attitude important?
Like the proverbial shop keeper smiling in their shop, there are other situations that there are certain expectations of attitude (rightly or wrongly) expected by society and those with the power to make life less pleasant. I would direct your thoughts back to the shop keeper. If they are unable to make their customers feel welcome and appreciated, they will take their business elsewhere, thus making the shop keeper’s life less pleasant.
Imagine a dusty street in a small Chinese town, with competing shop keepers directly across the street from each other. One is friendly and smiles when they see you, the other is taciturn and dour. That is quite a difference in attitude. The people will choose, one will prosper, the other will not do as well. This is what I mean when I mentioned “making their life less pleasant.”
This expectation, and the power to make things less pleasant is primarily a social pressure, with groups of people rewarding or withholding that reward. It can also come from singularly powerful people, be they well connected or power incarnate. The type of people I mention in the prior sentence could be politicians, moguls or even Police Officers.
Imagine you have been pulled over for speeding. There are certain expectations as to how you should behave. If you start yelling and swearing and making a big stink, things aren’t going to go too well for you. Conversely, a “good” attitude can go a long way to smoothing things out, and helping things go better than they would in the prior example.
Now imagine the first speeder is now in Traffic Court, standing before the judge. If they are on their best behavior and can produce a note from their Doctor explaining that they have a subset of Tourette Syndrome called Coprolalia, you might get some sympathy. However, if they repeat their earlier performance, they will likely receive a very unpleasant outcome.
Where can I apply this in my life?
Let’s start with a list of places and situations where you’ve gotten in trouble for your attitude (or it’s resultant, your behavior). Why would I list behavior as a clue that your attitude might need examination?
Think for a moment, what kind of attitude towards the repose of the dead would be required to decide that a graveyard was a good place to play tag or have a paintball shoot-out? The behavior wouldn’t happen if the attitude was one of respect, so the behavior points to an underlying attitude. Does that make sense?
Back to the list. So far we have a couple of places or situations where you have gotten in trouble for your attitude (directly or indirectly). Let’s add the places and situations where you feel really awkward, because you aren’t sure what attitude you should have, or how you should behave. Hopefully you have at least one of each on your list.
Let’s start with a behavior that was deemed incorrect. As an example, let’s take singing in a library. You got in trouble for making noise, yes. But really, you got in trouble for not respecting the other people and their desire to use the library. The rules are usually nothing more than codification of the behaviors allowed or disallowed based on the attitude that is deemed to be proper for the situation or location.
This all goes back to societal norms, some of which may go back to the middle ages. Perhaps someone versed in Libraries and their History can tell me if the monks in the copy room of the library and their vows of silence are the root of the ‘quiet in a library’ rule, or if that’s just a story.
Back to the task at hand. Try to come up with an attitude error or two for each behavior you have gotten in trouble for doing. These could be errors of omission or of contradiction, that is you didn’t have the proper attitude or your attitude was in conflict with the attitude that was expected.
For the situations where you are unsure of the expected behavior, you are obviously insufficiently informed. You need information, or to quote Number 5, “Need input!” Look for it on the web, ask a friend, look it up in a book, movie or TV show (preferably not fiction).
If all else fails, admit your ignorance when you get to that point. If you’re going to take a date to a fancy restaurant and you’re a Big Mac kind of guy, you might want to look up what Miss Manners says all the silverware is for.
If you’re going to be a bridesmaid, but have never been in a wedding before, you might want to ask the other bridesmaids or the bride what is expected. Hopefully, that makes sense – if you don’t know, would you rather be embarrassed by asking, or embarrassed by doing? The third option, avoiding the situation is just plain silly, find out what your attitude and behavior should be, and get on with it!
As for attitudes, you probably have a clue as to what they should be. You may not agree with them (especially if you’re a teen or a natural contrarian), but if you continue to go against the grain of society, you know what to expect. Attitudes change over time, and some things that used to be unspeakable are now common (attitudes towards divorce and the changes in society over the last 60 years have been dramatic).
What does it take to change an attitude? As behaviors are based on attitudes, so attitudes are based on beliefs. If you believe studying and reading are a complete wastes of time, you might have the attitude that being quiet in a library is a form of oppression, and that singing is a proper behavior to counter the oppression.
Look at your list and see if there are any attitudes you have that you would like to modify. If you don’t have one on your list, think of one and write it down. If you feel there is nothing you need to change, consider what really annoying attitude one of your friends has, and consider how to help them change for the better.
Look at the attitude you wish to change and write down all the different beliefs that help you support that attitude. You should be able to come up with at least a couple for each attitude.
For example, if being quiet in a library is a form of oppression, what beliefs do you have that support that? Perhaps you believe that your right to express yourself is being infringed. Perhaps you feel that it’s all about control, and your freedom should not be limited. Perhaps you believe that the public built the building, paid for it, and so you own it and will not be told what to do.
Now that you have a list of the beliefs that support your attitude, demolish those beliefs. Once you have done that, the attitude cannot stand unsupported. But nature abhors a vacuum, so plan on replacing the attitude and supporting it with beliefs.
For the library, and the beliefs, consider the following quick points (you should be a bit more definitive, come up with at least three counter examples for each belief). If being quiet is a form of oppression, should anyone be allowed to make any noise at any time under any circumstance?
Remember the last time you were somewhere and a little kid started crying – pretty annoying, right? How much effort should the parents put into ‘oppressing’ the child and their right to self expression? Next, if you believe your freedom is limitless, consider your response if someone started screaming in your ear – they have that freedom, and it’s just what you’re doing in a library, just on a larger scale.
If you can tell them to cut it out, why can’t the librarian do the same to you? Last, if you believe that because it’s public, you can do anything you want as you are a member of the public, consider the idea that what you are doing infringes on the ability of the other members of the public from enjoying the library, which they also helped pay for. You’re going to be out voted.
Also remember there are public parks, public pools, public golf courses and public roads. Each has a purpose. Just because you helped pay for it doesn’t mean you get to abuse it.
Did that help knock out the underpinnings of the attitude? It should have given you something to think about, at least. Now that you’ve dispelled that attitude, what is the ‘proper’ attitude to have? Write it down and start brainstorming beliefs to support it. Bonus points for reversing a prior belief and using it to support your new attitude.
For example, quiet in a library is no longer oppression, it’s a great place to concentrate on learning. Why do you believe that? Do you believe your right to express yourself has limits, and that singing in a library or screaming FIRE in a crowded room are outside the limits?
Do you believe you freedom is not universal, and only extends as far as they don’t interfere with the freedoms of another? Do you believe that you should be quiet because that is how the building was designed to be used, and since you paid for it, you can get the most out of it by using it properly?
Try it out, see what you can do to change some attitudes. You might be surprised at how easy it is. Just remember, attitudes are habits, and it will take some repetition to make the new attitude stick. That’s part of why you wrote it down, keep it handy and keep practicing.
From: Twitter, @AncientProverbs
confirmed at: http://thinkexist.com/quotation/don-t_open_a_shop_unless_you_like_to_smile/260541.html
Photo by cygnus921
