Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca (Seneca the Younger)

Wow, someone's angry. Is it doing more harm to her or her parents?

What does that mean?
This phrase, in a slightly different wording, is also frequently attributed to Mark Twain, but I think Seneca probably said it first.  To me, this quote means that if you bottle up your anger, you are the container, and it will do more damage to you than to the person at whom you are angry.

Have you ever felt that anger day after day after day, just eating at you?  I have, and have learned to not hold anger for any longer than necessary.  I try to get rid of the anger as soon as possible, and by so doing, limit the damage it’s acidic effects can do to me. I hope you will consider a similar outlook.

Why is the management of anger important?
Well, unmanaged anger should sound like a bad idea to most people, I would think.  That leaves us with an open field problem.  How does one manage anger?  There are whole books, entire curriculum written and taught on the subject.

So how do I address this in a brief post?  Mostly by relating what has worked for me, and challenge you to examine yourself, your hot buttons and your methods for dealing with both your anger and that of others.

Where can I apply this in my life?
“What did I say to piss you off this time, baby?” is a lyric from a Blues Brother’s cover of an old Willie Mabon song called “I don’t know“.  Some people are just volatile.  You are going to have to figure out how to manage their anger as well (or at least to mitigate it as best as possible).

What makes you angry?  Not just every once in a while, but your hot button?  To me, it’s lies and deception.  That’ll get me going every time.  If you are familiar with yourself, you can better anticipate your reaction.  Hopefully, that will help you manage the surge of anger, and to reduce it as much as possible.

It would also be smart to know yourself well enough to know when it’s time to excuse yourself, to step away and regain your composure. When I get “hot,” I tend to withdraw from the situation until I can get the anger under control.  How long that ends up being will vary from person to person.

I usually seek solitude and start with calming breathing (a form of breath counting meditation).  Then I try to see things from their point of view, attempting to find out if there is a way they might have misunderstood me, or vice versa.  Once I’m calm, I gather my questions (you want to ask questions, rather than throw accusations, right?) and return to attempt to discuss the situation that caused the anger reaction.

Why do I want to be calm?  Well, when I’m really angry, I tend to yell and shout and gesticulate wildly.  When you’re as big as I am, that’s not a good way to help the other person be calm.  And it’s hard to have a rational conversation when at least one of you is being irrational.  Since we have no direct control over the other person, all we can do is bring our best self to the conversation and try to play the hand we are dealt.

Just be sure to know the other person well enough.  Some may react badly to someone walking out on them when they aren’t done yelling at you.  The best time to deal with that is before there is an argument.  I’ve been with people who want to have the knock-down drag-out battle uninterrupted.  I usually get them to realize that theirs is a poor tactic by stating that if I am pushed too hard, I get violent.  So far, all of them have been bright enough to not want to box that far outside their weight class.  Others have had the same attitude as I, and we agree that if one of us gets too hot, we’ll use a word or a gesture to indicate such, and then disengage.

It might also help to have “safe zones” or refuges, where one or the other can withdraw to, and not be disturbed until they’re ready to come out. Do you have an escape clause set up with your favorite “hot head?”  Would it be a good idea to have one?  What about someplace where you or they could go to allow for de-escalation?

One time, over the phone, someone I had never met became very angry with me.  I was able to defuse the situation by stating (paraphrasing) “I’m not sure what I said, but there has obviously been a misunderstanding.  I was not trying to make you angry, and if I have done so, please let me apologize.  We’ve started off on the wrong foot, so allow me to start again.  Hello, my name is ____, what can I do for you today?”  From there, things went fairly well.

How would you have handled such a situation?  How would you have calmed them down?  Or would you have just hung up on them?  How do you defuse a volatile situation?  If you used deliberately inflammatory words, would you be the adult in the conversation, or would you be the screaming brat?

Don’t let anger eat you from the inside.  Don’t pour it out on the other person, either.  Forgive them, you’ll feel better.  And depending on their nature and attitude, they’ll either feel better too or be even more pissed off.  But that is their problem to deal with, not yours.

From: Twitter, undocumented feed (my bad)
confirmed at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/luciusanna132208.html
Photo by vauvau