If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. - Unknown

Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.

What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).

By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.

Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”

Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.

To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.

How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?

An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?

You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.

Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.

This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.

From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM

About KC King

I am a thinker, who is spending some time examining those short twitter quotes in greater detail on my blog.
This entry was posted in love and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

996 Responses to If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

  1. jesse says:

    I honestly dont know howi ended up here. I thought I would be able to move on but im still in love with her she left me last year all caused by my jealousy. She broke up with me after we finally got engaged. We were together for three years and have a daughter together, i begged and begged but it only made it worse so I stopped talkingher. I would always be there for my daughter and back last year, Arundel this time, she told me “im not gonna lie i miss you and im sorry how thin ended” i exchanged a couple of texts back and forth but I was too hurt to try and get her back. She always lied to people saying im a Terrible father, even though she was the one to leave I guess she was angry at the break up? Anyway she tried to talk to me a couple of times and I was kind ofcold towards her; because of what I heard and witnessed what she was saying. I moved an hour away from her and my daughter around October and it was me that tried connecting with her and no good. Then I started dating someone new around december and around februray my new gf had stayed at my place for 3 days and my ex texted me “I miss you. Then only blaming it on my daughter a couple of hours later (my daughter is 2) I texted her very angry to not tell me that she misses me.we have had a lot of drama during this break up its been a year and four months and I still love this girl. Yesterday was my daughters birthday party and my ex brought a new guy I was broken. She didn’t talk to me or look at me the entire night even wondering if I should bother anymore I just want my family back

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like your ex has some issues. Until they are settled, I would imagine the chances of getting your family back is rather slim. It sounds like she has an issue with taking responsibility from how she blames you for things, and for being a bad father.

      It also sounds like you still have a bit of an issue with jealousy, both then and even now. That might be something you take some time to work on by yourself, right?

      As for what to do, that’s something only you can decide. And remember, you can’t decide for her. She will do what she will do. You must now choose your path, and make what accommodations you can for your daughter.

      There is great strength within each of us. Remember that, and stay strong.

  2. thisismeiamhere says:

    I am truly moved by the energy and sincerity you put into this blog. It is incredible that you take the time to not only answer every comment for this one post from three years ago, but the answer shows you read each comments. The answers are been personal, reflective, and I believe helpful. I am truly amazed at what you do. I want to thank you for helping all of us.

    I would like to share my story and also get your thoughts. I’m sorry it is long, there’s a lot here.

    Six days ago she (29) asked for the divorce. It wasn’t the first time, but this time I (29) knew it was different. We’ve been together for 8 years as best friends and couple, married for two of those. Last year this time, she asked for it for the first time, and I was a very different person back then.

    Back then I was a very angry person. I was also selfish, depressed, and head strong. I have been both emotionally and verbally abusive without changes. I am feeling tremendous amount of guilt once I fully comprehend what I did. She had many of the same head strong, depression, and anger in her. She was also verbally and emotionally abusive. There were many blames to pass between us, but in reality we were both brought up too similar and too damaged to have a truly healthy relationship. We couldn’t communicate to each other what was wrong with us, and covered it up with everything else that was going so well between us.

    So I did what I only knew back then last year. I tried and tried to force, ask, plead, beg, reason, manipulate, and pull her back. Last year she was done also, and all my actions just made it worse. I ended up tormenting myself and us because of it. However, in the end, once I got some therapy, and realization of what I was doing, I stopped. Like a miracle she came back, agreeing to try again. That day in many ways for me was as good, if not better than when we got married. Thus, that should have been a warning for me. I was more afraid of losing her than being truthful to myself. I promised too much, much too much than what I could deliver. Nevertheless, I made huge strides improving myself. Because, I love her, I was committed to give her a better me. Many of my maladaptive behaviors where improved, diminished, or gone with therapy and hard self work.

    I am a very different person today than last year. We were both shocked at my improvements. Still. In the end, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough because I didn’t fix everything about myself, some of the selfish ways didn’t go away, she couldn’t articulate them for me to fix. She was able to see some of the changes in me, happy that I’m no longer an angry and depressed person, and try to be happy with what’s been done. However, there were still unspoken things that were left unfixed in both of us. She was still insecure with herself. She was still angry, and unable to understand what she wants as a person. They festered in her, while allowed me to become complacent. In the end, she couldn’t take it any more. She couldn’t see the possibility of change to those issues that we didn’t get around to talk about. She became hopeless, within herself. Every time we fought, even though we fought in a healthier way, was a trigger for her. She was reliving the past in each fight. It boiled over in her, and here we are today.

    I truly love her. I understand where she’s coming from. I understand why she’s asking for a divorce. She want to break clean so she can start fresh. To figure things out for her self, by her self, or with someone else, just not with me, not with us. She just can’t see a future us anymore.

    I am hurt by that. I hurt because of our destroyed future. I hurt because of my destroyed ego. I hurt because I didn’t fix everything. I hurt because even though we fit together so so so well in very other aspect of our lives, we couldn’t communicate effectively in our emotional wellbeing. I blame my self. If only I was stronger. If only I could change faster. If only I spend the time to find those unspoken issues.

    I still think we could work together. I still think we could improve together as a unit. She doesn’t think so anymore. She just want it to end. We both still care for one another very much. So, we’re going through a very simple, amicable divorce. I am not standing in her way this time. I want to so badly, but I’m not. I can’t. I don’t know if she’ll come back. I fear not. I am devastated.

    • philosiblog says:

      Thanks for noticing, that’s nice. I enjoy helping people, so I do what I can.

      It sounds like she has realized, more than needing to be with you, she needs to be with herself. It appears that through your changes, she realized some of what she needed to change. I don’t know what options you have, but perhaps you could ask her for a separation, a half-way divorce. Get her the space she needs to work on herself, but still preserve some of the relationship. My parents tried that step, and it helped, but ultimately the decided to divorce. Perhaps if she can get some distance and work on herself, she will agree to something less permanent than the divorce.

      However, that comes with rules for you. Whatever they are, the two of you will have to agree on, and then you abide by. Breaking them probably won’t help your case for reconciliation, right? If the two of you truly still care for each-other, this could be a way to have the best of both worlds. But it is not without problems, and you will need to continue to work on your other habits. Have you considered asking some of your friends what they think of some of your weaker points are, that you might get some other feedback?

      Ultimately, it is up to her. Be careful what you promise, so you don’t repeat that mistake, right? Nothing says “I haven’t changed” like doing the same thing over again.

      And stay strong. You’ve probably read me saying that to others, but I truly mean it. You are stronger than you know. Stick with it, and with a great deal of effort, you just might make it happen.

      • thisismeiamhere says:

        Thank you for your kind and thought provoking words. I am mulling over them.

        The hardest part for me right now is how fast everything is going. Just last week we were happy, or at least from mine perspective. Just one week ago she was saying “I love yous” and we were making plans on moving to a new apartment, celebrating our individual promotions, raises, setting new budgets, future vacation trips, and near future fun activities. Now, last night I was helping her move to her new place. This is five days after she brought up divorce. On top of that we even filled all the paper work for a none contested divorce, and split all of our assets and debts. This is so she could file it with the court as soon as she wants. That’s who she is. She has been indecisive in the past, and now she has some positive experience from being decisive in other aspect of her life: career, she’s just grabbing that and running with it. I’m trying to understand that, and live with it.

        The move by the end of the night left our current home a mess, which I back to alone, sad, and a little angry. Throughout the night, which we moved in one 7 hour none stop, I kept going over the biblical quote from your post. I am not a religious person, but it kept me grounded. I am not too envious to help her, I am not too prideful to help, I am patient to give her what she wants, and I am doing my best not internalize this into anger. In the end, I do still love her. I am kind so I can do this for her. I have to be true to that fact, even if she doesn’t see it the same as me.

        I asked once, and she has made it clear that she intends for a divorce. She is unwilling to slow down a little. She doesn’t want a separation, because it will still feel like there might be a us. She doesn’t want to live with “us” looming in her mind, possibility affecting her own decisions or thoughts. She wants that independence. She want to be cleared of all our past, and mark her new future.

        That was incredibly painful to hear. It is a complete rejection of us, and what we built so far and planned out.

        I know what I have to do. I have to accept this as reality. Keep wishing and hoping she’ll snap back, like how she snap to her current state, is pointless. Any attempt to convince her or persuade her would back fire. I understand all this….. In practice this is near impossible for me. It’s like holding back this screaming voice in my head telling me “no, no, no, this can’t be, this shouldn’t be, you got to do something, get in there,” etc. So far I’ve been successful in not externalize those thoughts. Not acting on them in front of her. That is the controlling aspect of myself that needs to be corrected.

        I just don’t know how much more will power is left in me to keep this up, you know?

      • philosiblog says:

        I agree with you, it sounds like she has made up her mind and that any further action from you would not be helpful.

        Wisdom is what it is. Whether it is from a religion or from a knave (as I think of Machiavelli – a wise knave), it still has merit. To ignore it is to place oneself at a disadvantage.

        As for your future, for your sanity, I would recommend staying away from her as much as possible. Can you move as well? Can you step out of the old habits which will only remind you of what used to be? Constant reminders may be like a person constantly poking an injury – very difficult to heal.

        Then there is the issue of what to do with your time. You used to spend time with her. If you sit in the old place where you used to sit, and think of her, how will you ever heal? What can you do with your time? Can you do things with your friends? Can you find a new hobby or skill to learn? Perhaps learning a language or a game would help occupy your time? What can you do to improve yourself, work on your flaws, and amuse yourself?

        There is always a chance that she will once again change her mind. There is no way of telling the future. You have to choose your path. I would recommend planning to move forward with your life without her, and consider making room for the possibility, however remote, that she might come back. But I wouldn’t build your future around the idea that she will, because she might not.

        Stay strong, you are far stronger than you know. As iron is strengthened by heating and striking, and so in this manner will you also be improved. It’s not fun, but that’s how life works.

  3. amir says:

    hello I’ve known my guy for about 1 year now and we were dating for about 6-7 months. At the beginning of the relationship everything was cool, no fighting, no drama, we did everything together. I inspired him to move to my side of the water and take on a great job. Once he was on this side, we got a studio apartment together where we lived very comfortably. as things progressed we fought often, at times about me being direct, communicating more effectively, talking more when things were on my mind instead of keeping things bottled up inside of me then exploding one day. He is also a very spiritual and deep person which I haven’t really been exposed to. So anyways as time went on he mentioned at times that we don’t talk about deep things and how he wanted that, so I started doing research, reading etc to have more conversations which was cool.

    a little down the line we fought more, mainly because of me getting defensive, eventually he got emotionally and spirtitually exhausted and we ended things. it was his decision that last time whereas before I broken up with him about twice for about a day and we got back together.

    He also complained that I wanted sex too much or that’s all i’m about which isn’t entirely true. I find that one of my love languages is physical touch, especially when the relationship consists of two beautiful people of course I wanted that but now I realize a lot of what I’ve done and ways to improve. I learned those things alittle too late because now hes moved about 5hours away and now we can work on a long distance friendship.

    He makes remarks like “he needs time to find himself and improve himself’ and he cant see himself dating anyone for maybe a year etc. and me being the one who ruined the relationship I feel impatient and strongly wanting to get back together. I miss him very much and would even marry him one day if it got to that. He is a great man and I can see me spending the rest of my life with someone like him.

    So now I feel bad at times and hoping that we are meant to be together, but I know that isn’t good to dwell like that and possibly be disappointed in the end.

    He tells me, “you’ve learned your lesson”, “don’t keep blaming yourself and bringing your self down”, “I forgive you” etc.

    I am sorry that this is not well written, as I am at work.

    ps. I am getting a job transfer next month to dc which i’ll be an hour from him. Not doing this for him, but for me, I am also hoping to maybe try again one day :/

    • philosiblog says:

      Life is full of opportunities, and this move will give you a chance to start fresh. It can be interesting how much a particular location can be associated with memories, both helpful and painful. This is also a chance to reinvent yourself. The new location means a new you. Who do you want to be? Nearly all of your old associations will be broken with the move. Who do you want to be?

      You will also have some free time. What will you do with that? What are some of the things you have had issues with in the past? On what things do you still need to work? He is, in theory, working on himself. It would be a good use of your time to work on you, right? You have about a year (per his remarks), what will you do with that time?

      Something to consider is his spirituality. You mentioned that you hadn’t expected that, and that he wanted to have deeper discussions along those lines. Perhaps you could spend some time learning more about these things. Have you considered that part of his love language, or how he feels connection, is related to such discussions? Besides such a conversation might be an excellent way to begin a dialog without immediately going into a discussion of your relationship, right?

      Another thing to consider, his language about sex. If he called it that, you weren’t connecting with him at a level he needed. It may have been exactly what you needed, but it wasn’t getting him all of what he needed. Consider what you can do to make him feel loved and appreciated, and not just existing to be an instrument of your pleasure. At least that’s what it sounded like to me, based on what you wrote.

      It sounds like you have a pretty good grip on things. Stay strong and stay focused. Work on what you can to become a better person, but not for him, for you. You deserve nothing less than the best, and that includes from yourself.

  4. Alex says:

    I’ve done everything. Ever since my ex and I broke up I’ve missed him terribly. In those 2 months I’ve done everything to forget and better myself for me. I go to the gym 5 times a week, prepare for upcoming events, university, etc. I still think about him. I keep myself busy, I went back to writing poetry and reading more books, and being with friends, but somehow I still think and miss him. I’m in better shape, I’ve better myself or at least I’m trying to. So I can be the best person I can be on my own and be happy. We left off nicely and mutually decided not to talk for a bit. I don’t what to do. My birthday is next week and i secretly want him to wish we a happy birthday. But I know he won’t or at least the chances are very slim. I just understand that I’ve tried and I’m still trying to let it go. I’ve made new friends and enjoyed my time so far, but I still miss him. The concept of timings being meant to be makes me confused. I’m not gonna wait for him I need to live life. Which I’ve been doing. I’m just nervous that maybe one person is waiting for the other to call or initiate conversation. Help me understand? And explain the if you set it free concept to me? I’m just someone who wants to understand. To learn.

    • philosiblog says:

      Communication is a tricky business. It is up to you to determine when you will contact him. How important is it to you, and what are you willing to risk in the process?

      As for thinking of him, try to understand that you will, for the rest of your life. He has left a mark on you, and it will never go away. It may fade, but it will always be there. You never stop loving someone, you just move on and love someone new. I’ve been married over 20 years, and still, from time to time, remember others from my past. You will miss him. You will think of him. Things will remind you of him. Smile, and then move on.

      To me, the concept of ‘set them free’ is a way to release myself from the idea of control. I don’t control them, I don’t have any hold over them. If they want to come back, then you made the right choice to let them go. If they don’t come back, they would have left eventually, so you made the right choice to let them go. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or fun, but it is necessary. Fighting for months or years to keep it together, only to lose it later, that’s real pain.

      • Alex says:

        Thank you, I really appreciate what you told me. I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will never forget him, and that he will always be a fond memory. I just have one question. Do you think contacting him in the future is a mistake? And what is the risk in contacting him in the future? It is important to me because he was a man that was there for me, and still loved and cared for me with all of my faults to see, and still embraced me. I don’t want to lose that. But I want to thank him for that. For everything .

      • philosiblog says:

        Not knowing the details of the ‘let’s be alone for a while’ agreement, I can’t really say. Do you think it’s been long enough? Part of what you will have to weigh is what you want in re-establishing communication. Do you want a relationship, or just a friendship? Can you speak clearly enough to avoid miscommunication?

        Also consider the down side. Is it worse to wonder, or is it worse to know that the worst is true? What if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you? Again, only you know what the proper answer is for you will be. Take a little time and think it through. Then promise yourself to act on your decision, even if that action is to do nothing.

        Stay strong. Who knows what will happen ten or twenty years from now. I’m still finding old High School friends, as well as others from my past when I search Social Media and the net. You may bump into him again.

      • Alex says:

        My ex wanted me in his life still and wanted to be friends and did not want to lose me completely. I told him I can not be friends yet and that we should have time to let go.we broke up 2 and a half months ago and haven’t spoken in 6 or 7 weeks. Well the last thing I said to him was I can’t be friends which isn’t really talking as friends but it was the last of our communication. And since that time I still think of him constantly, even with the personal achievements and goals. I do want him in my life and I know he wants me in his life he made that clear, but I just don’t know of contacting in a month or 2 is a good idea. I’m scared of rejection but also of regret. A friendship means more to me now more than anything. lol us my birthday is coming up, I don’t want to hope he contacts me and wishes me well, because I don’t want to be let down. I really don’t think he will, but I don’t want to be that cynical . I’m pretty optimistic, but how do you know if contacting is a good idea?

      • philosiblog says:

        Please take a moment and consider what would happen if your hopes for your birthday are not realized. Which would you regret more, not talking to him, or talking to him and getting a definite ‘no’? What if he doesn’t show because he is worried about stopping by too soon after the breakup? After all, if I read your comment correctly, you told him he couldn’t be your friend.

        Have you considered simply making contact and saying ‘Hi’ to him? You can try to get some feeling for where he is, and what he wants to do. If things seem a bit cool, that probably tells you all you need to know about your birthday. If things seem warm and pleasant, you could consider mentioning that you’d like to see him at your birthday party.

        The pain of regret is a very real thing, and certain to happen if you fail to act. If you act, you might get an unpleasant result, but you might not. The choice is yours, as are the consequences. Weigh them, and then do what you believe is appropriate.

  5. Lily says:

    Oh dear, thank you so much for your wonderful post.
    I have been in love with this man for a year. He was married when we met – in an unhappy miserable marriage. I am 36 and he is 38. We both fell passionately in love. He decided to finally leave his marriage. But he needed the time and the space to do that. So for 8 I barely had contact with him, letting him go through counseling with his wife, doing everything he could, letting her fight her battle. I just sat on the side and waited, knowing in my heart that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the love of my life and my soulmate. And though everybody told me not to wait for him – I stubbornly did, without interfering with his process, with barely any contact with him. Because I believe, that we are meant to be, and so I only need patience.

    Waiting for an excruciating torture. I never knew if he will manage to break free. I knew his wife had a very strong on him. Not interfering, and not contacting him was extremely painful. But I did it. I did it. In spite everything.

    And so he left his marriage 3 weeks ago. He left and he is now free. But he is so broken and so change. He says that he died in the process. He died and he does not want to be in any relationship anymore. That he has nothing left in him. He is broken and wounded. He wants to be alone. He decided to change his job, sell his house and move out to a different place. And he does not even want to see me. At all. I haven’t seen him in months. We only briefly exchanged emails, in which he always wrote me how he loves me, and how only my love was the thing that kept him going through hell with his wife. How my love saved him. How I am the most important person for him in his life. How I am his soulmate and the woman he wants.

    And now… now when its all over. When he says he is free, is so so broken that he doesn’t even want to see me. He wrote me a goodbye email. Email! Not even a face to face contact. Nothing. He says that this is the choice he made and he is going to start a new life somewhere else and that he has no place left in his heart for anything. And he asked me – if you love me, please let me go.

    And so I let him go. It broke my heart by I let him go. I let him go and I bleed and bleed and bleed and my life has no meaning. How can this be? I believed in our love. I believed in the truth of it and I didn’t bother him and gave him space and time to go through his fight. I let him be. And now I let him go.

    Why? How is this fair? Why? I keep asking myself why? Wouldn’t it have been better if I fought for him? If I would keeping meeting him, emailing him, be in his life, not just let him go like this? But he asked for this and I let him.

    I feel stupid and hurt and broken

    • philosiblog says:

      Let us start with this simple fact: “Life is not fair.” It is sad, but it is true.

      Think back to some of the breakups you have had in the past. How quickly did you want to get into another relationship? He is badly hurt and will need time to heal and to get used to the new him. A clean break from everything is a reasonable first step. He may still have feelings for you, but right now, his whole world is upside-down. He needs time and space to heal.

      It is up to you to decide if you still want to wait, it may take him many more months to get everything put back together in his life. And he most definitely has changed. How much and in what manner remains to be seen.

      As for fighting for him, I have never seen a situation where having ‘the other woman’ involved in a divorce has ever worked out ‘better’, no matter how you define that word.

      Please do not feel stupid. You considered only the best possible outcome, and it didn’t happen. Learn to prepare for many different outcomes, and it will not have been for nothing, right? As for hurt and broken, that is often the nature of love. Understand that you will always have feelings for him. You never stop loving someone, but you can close that chapter and move on to the next phase of our life.

      What you do is up to you. He probably has no idea how long you would have to wait before he could give you an answer. You will have to decide what is best for you. What will you do with your time as you either continue to wait, or begin to transition to your next chapter?

  6. lio says:

    well i love a girl madly.we are in relationship for 2 years.during very early stages of our relationship she showed too uch care for me,she used to call alot,text me ,meet me.I liked her but i wasnt mad for her.In exams times i didnt use to talk to her much,she used to cry sometimes as i had to study.

    she used to wait for my calls,but i could not call her as i had to focus on my exams.
    I also conveyed her regarding the same.After my Exams were over i gave her all my time, i wanted to meet her daily,talk to her ,texted her.I was all hers.

    she was happy and me as well until when i found that she is slowly ignoring my calls.when i used to call late at night she said she feels sleepy.
    Earlier she used to pick my call even if she was in deep sleep and say she is always available for me.

    she was changing.she said she loves me but not too much .i did not know what that means.I wanted to meet her but she was not showing any interests in meeting me.I wanted to know what is wrong between us.she always said that she loved me but it was not looking like that .when eventually she said me that wants break up as she wants to date another guy.I felt horribly bad . I cri ed for her not to do that.I beg before her but she was heartless.she said she needed a months time to figure it out .i was a total lost.So i decided to breakup with her and told her to never contact me.Next day she called me .she wanted to meet me which i generously refused . she again changed her stand and said she loves me and can never think of getting away from me.she said she will not meet that guy ,as nothing is more more important than you(me). she again started loving me .

    though it happened once again when she said she wants some space for herself.she is not that too much in love .she loves me but not hard core.
    The problem is I LOVE HER MADLY,i cant think of my life without her,probably because she loved me so much.

    She also talks to many boys and make friends easily on internet.she even flirts with few and shares phone number.

    I am in deep love with her no matter what she do .I wanna marry her.I even think of ending my life sometimes if i dont get her

    please help me

    • philosiblog says:

      Let me start with this caution. No one is worth more than your life. You are strong enough to live a long and prosperous life without her. Please do not ever again consider ending your life. You have too much to give to this world to throw it away for such a foolish thought.

      That said, it sounds like each of you have issues to consider. You seem to have a little difficulty with jealousy. What can you do to improve yourself in this area, or in any other area in which you believe you could improve?

      Yes, she also has an issue with showing respect to you, but you cannot force her to change. That is the whole point of the quote. You will have to lead her, inspire her, to do better. If she is willing to change, great. If not, you will be fighting that battle until one or the other of you break it off for good. That is simply a waste of time, effort, and emotion, right?

      You will never stop loving her. No one ever does. You simply close that chapter in your life and move on to your next love. It might not be easy, and will likely hurt quite a bit, but it may be necessary.

      But start with what you can change, you. Improve yourself. Learn something new, work on fixing a bad habit, become more consistent with an existing good habit. There is something you can do to improve yourself, and you deserve nothing but the best, especially from yourself. If she wishes to join you, great. If not, you will survive. And you will grow stronger for it.

  7. Revanoff2 says:

    I found this article by way of doing some searching on the topic at hand. I found the article very helpful. My situation applies like this:

    About a year ago, I met a woman who was working at a restaurant. We clicked immediately. Heavy flirtation, batting eyelashes, and a touch of twitterpation whenever we saw eachother. I started going to that restaurant a number if times a week just to see her.

    Unfortunately, I lost contact with her after a couple months as she had changed jobs. I wound up at a different restaurant some time later, and she was working there. So we got to see each other for a brief period over my dinner, and it seemed that the feelings continued. As she’d walk by my table (I was with friends), she’d wink, or lightly brush against me as she passed.

    It was a wonderful feeling.

    I didn’t frequent that restaurant much, so we lost contact again for quite some time.

    Earlier this year, I moved to a different part of town. I drive a very easily recognizable car, which she saw and left her business card attached to one day. I contacted her, we quickly met up and got caught up with what all was going on in our lives. It became evident that there were feelings much deeper than friendship a couple of weeks in.

    I found out during this time that she is married and has two children. I am unsure of all the details concerning where she is at with her relationship with him, what I can say is that it seems to be a marriage which has devolved into “Room-Mate” status, wherein there is no appreciation from him, no passion left, and generally no interest.

    We continued to “date” over the next 2 months which led up to two days ago. We’d had conversations about “hypothetical” circumstances which could take place; conversations that were what most people would consider to be very serious.

    The restrictions placed on our ability to see each other were really getting to both of us. For the record, I always said that I would not be the outside guy; the guy who’s seeing the taken gal; the guy “playing games”. I found myself so enveloped within her that I’d become exactly what I said I wouldn’t be. This realization was very overwhelming for me morally; as I’m sure you can imagine.

    I refuse to be a home-wrecker. So 2 days ago I went to see her as per usual, and decided to really speak my mind.

    I told her that I’d made up my mind on what I want. This included saying that I wanted her, her kids, the whole situation. This led to my next point, which was that I couldn’t be around her anymore while she is obligated to her marriage. Both her and I were on the brink of tears while having this conversation. She understood exactly where I was coming from, and why it had to be this way.

    I made it clear (and she understood) that if her situation were to change, that she should look me up. We still have open lines of communication (via social media, cell phones, and the fact she lives 2 blocks from me), so contacting me in the event she becomes available and is still interested in me, there’s nothing holding her back. Given that, I refuse to utilize any of the media available to contact her. I told her I needed to go, and that has to be it.

    This was the hardest time I ever had “breaking up” with someone, even though I wasn’t technically with her; if that makes any sense. I love her. We sat on my couch recently and just stared into each other’s eyes. Time felt as if it stopped. I’ve never been there with anyone else in my life. She hasn’t actually said it due to the aforementioned “restrictions”, but has very obviously eluded to the fact that she loves me too.

    It’s been a very rough couple days since this has occurred. My heart feels broken, I can’t sleep, I don’t have any appetite. I force myself to eat and try sleeping because I don’t want to wreck myself over this situation.

    I want to fight for her. So badly I do, but I can’t do anything. I am hoping that she will come to me if she ends her current situation. I want nothing more than to hold her every night, and make sure that she is cared for and feels loved and appreciated. She deserves at least that much. I have a lot of respect for her, which I think is part of the reason I had to let her go.

    I want her in my life; but we can’t be friends. It’s all or nothing, and we both agreed on that. Our connection is very deep, our touch is magnetic, and we usually know what the other is going to say before we say it. I just wish that there was a way that I could know for sure if she’s going to leave her marriage (even not if to be with me, she deserves better than what she has). I want her to be happy, loved and appreciated. I can do all of those things with fervor, passion, and intellect. You might say I’ve “got it in spades”.

    What are your thoughts?

    Thank you,

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry to be so long in getting back to you.

      You are in a very tough situation, but you followed your values and morals. Not everyone can do that. The all-or-nothing approach is a tough one, but it completely avoids temptation. As for her situation, I’ve seen relationships go through phases like that, so there is a chance that she will find happiness in her present relationship. But if not, expect her to change during the process of a divorce. That’s a rough time, and she might need some time to gather herself together afterwards. And she will be a slightly different person, just be prepared for that change. It might be small, but it might be huge. There is no way to tell in advance.

      You have talked about your desires, but there are also responsibilities. If she comes to you, it’s an instant family, right? That’s quite a change from a solitary lifestyle. Suddenly there are people in your life which need significant amounts of your time, and it has to be on their schedule, not yours. I’ve known people who did well with the transition, but none called it easy.

      Through all this, remember that you are strong. You have already shown strength which few I know would have been able to match. Remember her fondly while you go on with your life. With time, the feeling may change, and friendship may be possible. And you never know what the future will hold for you, or for her.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        It would be an instant family. I agree, it would be a major shift in my life and the way I conduct myself would have to endure a very dynamic shift. At this point (after giving very serious thought to it), I feel that if the situation were to come along whereby I found myself suddenly with a family, I could adapt fairly quickly.

        Where they would be is another situation altogether. I have put thought into how they may react to a “game-changer” such as that, and fortunately, the children are young enough that the impact would be smaller than when my parents split. They are still very young. It’s still a gamble no matter how it’s interpreted.

        Given that it’s been almost a week since our “break-up”, with zero contact; I have a feeling she’s planning to stick with him at least until the situation she’s in improves. I don’t want to reveal much; however, because of actions he took which ended his legal ability to drive, he needs her around to get to work. Subsequently, she has stated she feels obliged to stay with him until that is finished, and he can get back on his feet.

        No one knows what the future holds, and honestly; I hope that she finds actual happiness. My feelings and desires aside, I think that’s what she really needs. I do wish her the best.

        I also wish I could tell her that without an impact on the stand that I took.

      • philosiblog says:

        Yes, with kids, you never know. If the situation arises, there are professionals who can help the child cope with the change. There are mechanisms which can help the child cope, but it depends very much on the child, and which part of the change is causing them trouble.

        She sounds like a decent person. If so, there will likely be a transition period for her as she exits the present relationship. After that, she will go through a grieving process, and probably spend some time turned inward, healing herself and helping the kids. After that, who knows.

        Wishing her happiness, even at your expense, is the truest form of love with which I am familiar. It takes a great deal of mental and emotional maturity and reflection to come to that point. Someday, you will be able to mention it to her, just not now. In a year or two, when her decision appears to be a bit more clear, you might find an opportunity.

        In the mean time, what will you do with your time? To what end will you use it? I can’t imagine you sitting by the phone and waiting for it to ring. I imagine you’ll stay busy and work on improving your life. And remember to stay strong.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        I am replying here as the “reply” button has gone missing from the message below that you left on July 13th.

        I don’t stop. I don’t take vacations, I keep myself busy. Always have been that way, As such, that’s what I will continue doing until I have a reason to stop. I am working very hard on myself to improve things that I don’t like this year, and I will continue doing that as well.

        I have some financial restrictions from mistakes I made in a past relationship to get straightened out, which is in progress. I’m currently quitting smoking, and also drinking less. When I’ve got those things handled, I’ll take on the next batch of things I want to improve on for myself.

        I still find myself having a hard time with her on my mind. It’s not as prevalent as it used to be; however, any amount tends to spiral down and I have to control where my mind goes after that. My belief is that there will almost always be a part of me which will struggle with that until such a time as either she joins me, or I find someone else who will do for me what she does.

        There’s still some rough time ahead as I’m dealing with this. Hopefully it will come to a conclusion soon.

        Thank you

      • philosiblog says:

        You are most welcome. I’m glad you are keeping busy, but beware of being overly busy. Burying yourself doesn’t make the problem go away, you just can’t see the symptoms for a while. Glad to hear you’re improving yourself and appear to have a list of the things you wish to improve.

        Understand that she will always be in your mind. When I find that happening, I smile, say ‘thanks for stopping by’ and envision them waving and walking away. I then go back to what I was doing. I have noticed that they visit less often, and eventually become just a fond memory of my past days.

        Stay strong.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        I wanted to leave you an update.

        For the record, 2014 has been the single most stressful year I’ve ever had. I’ve lost both Grandfathers, then just this morning a good friend passed, and another friend was put in jail a little while ago on false charges.

        I made a post on Facebook giving a basic rundown of where I’m at in my own head with life this year. It has been very tough. I went overboard on being busy (and you warned against that), and it most certainly came back to bite me. She read the post and sent me a message to let me know that she was still there, that she missed me and wanted to talk to me.

        In my moment of weakness, I responded back. We had a brief conversation which ended with her telling me that she loves me; that she hates to see me hurting the way I am, and that she knows she is part of my stress this year. Even went so far as to say that she wished she could either erase herself from my mind, or just be with me.

        I decided to have her come over so we could talk. She told me that 3 weeks ago, she told her husband to “step it up”, or she wanted a divorce. Supposedly, he’s “stepped it up” somewhat, but not where he needs to be.

        She is still unsure of the outcome of her present situation. Then, here comes the bomb dropping; she tells me that she “has something” that I need to take under consideration, as if we were to get together, I would most likely wind up with it as well. She did not specify what exactly it was, and I won’t know until she tells me.

        This creates another complexity to the situation.

        It hasn’t changed my feelings about her in the slightest.

        I said I’d take her as she is. When I said everything, I meant everything. Granted, this was before learning that there was “something” I was unaware of. I’m not offended or upset that she never mentioned it before, as the likelihood of us getting together then seems less than it is now, given that she’s thrown the gauntlet with her husband.

        This has become a larger decision than I originally anticipated. In pretty much all aspects of my life currently, I’m flying by the seat of my pants. This situation is no different.

        It’s hard to decide where to go when your vision is blurred.

      • philosiblog says:

        Sorry to be so slow in responding. Life has been interesting here as well.

        My recommendation is to determine what your limits and rules are. What offers will you take, and what rules must you enforce? With emotions running high and vision blurred, anything can happen. If you’re OK with that, and the possible repercussions, then all is well. If you have some concerns, try to figure out what they are, and from them, determine your boundaries.

        Try to understand what secret she is bringing. You will probably have to wait until she is there, as she has been able to keep it this long, right?

        Stay strong, and remain as calm as you possibly can.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        Hi Phil,

        She came over again last night. We had a good time playing cards and listening to music etc. Eventually (as it usually does) the conversation got to the topic of us. She has expressed numerous times how she wishes that she could just be with me, and that continues.

        We got to the topic specifically of what she was “bringing” with her, and I said to her “If you are serious about us, and I think you are, I need to know.”

        She attempted to explain why she hadn’t made mention of it before, and it’s because she thinks I feel that she is “perfect” and she didn’t want to ruin that image of herself in my mind and potentially change my opinion/feelings for her. I reminded her that perfection is subjective, and that if she is seriously considering being with me, that I deserve to know; and if we were to get that out of the way, it would be a load off her mind.

        So she told me. I will honestly say, it made no difference to me. It was obvious that she wasn’t proud of it (can’t imagine who would be), so I comforted her, and told her honestly that it made no difference to me. She seemed much more relaxed after having said it.

        So I take from this that she is being serious. Overall, still flying by the seat of my pants, but I feel there is a direction now at least, and the journey likely won’t be easy for anyone involved. All I know is, if/when the time comes, I’ll be there and make it as smooth as possible.

        I think I can say that (even while all this is up in the air yet), the whole point behind your post here, may honestly be true for my situation at least. I’m hoping it materializes the way we wish it would, and only time will tell.

        Thanks for your kind and supportive words Phil, I wish more people were as supportive as you have been to all the posters of your blog sir.

        Robert

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for the kind words. As you have noted, each of us must be true to ourselves. Sadly, not everyone is as supportive as I am. The good news is that there are many who are even more supportive than am I.

        For me, communication is the heart of any relationship, and as long as you can continue to communicate, you can have a worthy relationship. Whether that relationship becomes what you hope, that is outside our hands, right?

        Stay strong.

  8. Bella says:

    My boyfriend left me three weeks ago. We were together for 10 years but lots of battles. I was mentally abused in a pass relationship so my connection with love was not super. He once told me to get more professional help. I did, I had to relive my pass by hipnos and redo the ends in positive so I would not get panic attacks. It worked, I am still working hard to get better. But, now that I am better and working on my anxiety and that my flashbacks are more positive then negative, he sais that in those 10 years, he just detached and stopped loving me. I don’t blame, I was such a mess. I asked myself so many time it I really do love him and I love him for who he is in so many good ways. I want to show him who I am today, but his love is gone, they say that it could come back. Can it?

    • philosiblog says:

      As for whether it can come back or not depends on him. One thing to consider is that if he is burned out on the relationship, he will need some time and distance to relax and re-evaluate his feelings. How long a time that might be? I have no way of knowing.

      While you wait, I would recommend continuing to work on yourself. Even if you don’t ever get back together, you deserve nothing less than the best, and that includes from yourself. Become better, improve, overcome. Never stop growing.

  9. Jenny P. says:

    Hi, I wonder if you could share your thoughts on this…

    This guy and i had kind of a long distance relationship… it wasnt anything official though, but we made it work in a sense that we’ve been talking every single day despite the time difference –– it wasnt a big issue, because the time diff worked out from where we were. We skyped a lot, we were really comfortable with each other, both of feel like we can talk about anything and everything under the sun and it was great. we did this for almost 3 yrs… it wasnt until a few months ago when a girl he worked with confessed to him, and that’s when everything went downhill… He suddenly wanted assurance from me, something that i couldnt give him at the moment… I guess he just suddenly had this option of having someone close to him, without all this long distance thing… We fought about it, and i was really hurt, because i never would have expected him to hurt me like that. After that I just couldnt be myself around him, he tried apologizing and since nothing really happened with him and this girl anyway i forgave him, it’s just that, after that i felt all his efforts with me are half-assed. So i became even more reserved, my walls have come way up… and i was cold with him.. and him being so passive in facing problems didnt really help, because I’m the type who faces the problem and wants to see an effort in resolving things. he just isnt wired that way.

    A month passed and I was actually in the same country as he is at that time so we met up… it was so awkward… because i think both of us didnt know how to act, i didnt know what i wanted either. Our meet up was just a big ball of awkward it was a disaster… a few days later I went away again and I decided that I want to try and be okay with him so whenever he’d msg me (he still does every once in a while) I’m not cold anymore, even started to joke around although our conversations are still short, i wanted to slowly get back to where we were.. and he has been responsive. but recently i found out that he has been hanging out with that girl… so i got fed up and just… made some form of closure for both of us… because i think both of us are hanging on to the good times we’ve had… not really wanting to END things because it’s so final. I told him all that and he said it’s because after that awkward meet up he felt like i didnt want to have anything to do with him anymore and that he came to terms with it (which is i guess why he has started hanging out with that other girl again), he said he thought i was just being friendly when we would msg each other recently, because he said he didnt want to let go because he atleast wanted some form of friendship between us. So after that i just said, despite everything that’s happened i still wanted to be his friend too.. he’s one of the few people i can be 110% myself with, and we were friends before we started this whole thing anyway, so… i dont know… does this work? honestly i dont really know what i want… i cant seem to give him that assurance that he wants… all i know is (and he knows it too) that we have great connection and chemistry and we’re both weird but that’s okay. weird is good. that’s what we always say.

    Thanks, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

    • philosiblog says:

      Not every relationship turns into forever-love. You may have found your best friend ever, and are trying to complicate things. At least that is the impression I have from reading what you wrote.

      Until you are clear about what you really want, how will you know what steps to take? I believe your first step is to figure out what you really want, and what you are willing to do to get it. If you aren’t willing to move to be with him, perhaps romantic love is out of the picture. Can you handle him being romantic with someone else while still being a friend with you? There are many possibilities, but you will have to figure out where you draw the line between what you can accept and what you cannot.

      Once you have that figured out, the rest will fall into place fairly easily. If it doesn’t, consider what is giving you difficulties. Odds are you let your head draw the line, and not your heart. Try to reconcile these differences, and then move forward.

  10. anonymous28 says:

    First of all sorry for my English, hope you understand me..

    My story is as follows ..

    I’m 28 years old, she is 36 years old with 4 year-old daughter, single.

    It all started in January and continued until the end of April, when she stopped answering her phone suddenly. We understand perfectly, her daughter adores me, her mother too, even her best friends. From June to September she will work at 300 miles from our city. I told her that I was going to visit her two weekends a month, but she did not believe me. In May i didn’t call her once, she did the same.

    In mid-June I got the car and went to the city where she works in summer. She was shocked .. in a good way. She said she did not believed the things I talked about us. Now she saw that I am serious in my intentions about her. We agreed that the time will tell how things will develop from here between us.

    Two weeks after this great weekend in a conversation on the phone she told me that she has no feelings about me and that she is in love with another man. She want to be just friends. I told her that I love her and will not give up easily on her. Many times she told me that i have to stop the things between us because she can’t. Her eyes and body are telling me that she has feelings for me, everyone sees that, but she tell’s me the opposite. She said to give us a time to think about us. In the end of July i have a birthday. It will be a month after that conversation, and i think she’ll probably call me. I don’t want to lose her but we can’t be just friends because i have feelings for her. I know the responsibility to be with a woman with child and i am ready for it.
    Her friend told me a week ago that there is no such thing, that she is single and working hard.

    What should i do? Should i wait for her call or wait till September when she come back and than talk? Really confused, really in love…

    • philosiblog says:

      Mixed signals (what she says, compared to what her eyes/body are saying) is always troublesome.

      There is no correct answer to your questions. My recommendation is to consider the possibilities, and then weigh the pros and cons.

      To start with, is there really someone else there, or is she just trying to get some space because things are moving faster than she is comfortable with? If you wait until she returns, what are the benefits and the risks associated with that delay? What if she doesn’t call on your birthday?

      If you break the situation into the different paths it could take, and then weigh each, I hope you will be able to at least eliminate the least useful paths, leaving you less to worry about. Careful consideration of what is left will, I hope, give you a better idea regarding what path is the correct one for you to pursue.

      As much as is possible, eliminate unknowns. Are you willing to ask her if there is really someone else, or if things are just going too fast for her to handle? It would eliminate an unknown, but you might not get the answer you hope for, right?

      Consider your options, and remember that there is great strength within each of us. Stay strong, no matter what comes of this, right?

      As for your English, it is far better than my grasp of any other language, so no worries. 8)

  11. anonymous28 says:

    I don’t know what to think anymore..

    She is a smart woman, a lawyer. Things she said:

    1. This is a test. Will i give up, or i’ll keep fighting for her.

    2. She is ready to tell me anything just to end things between us because she can’t.

    3. She just doesn’t want to be with me.

    On that last conversation two weeks ago she told me that she doesn’t want to take my future. That life is ahead of me, that i don’t need a woman with a child in my life to carry on. Many times before, when everything was alright she told me that in a year or two i will cheat on her with every younger woman.

    Whether she calls or not on my birthday, i’ll call her. I think that a month is enough time to make a decision. If she say the same things..i’ll leave her..What more can i do? I think that if i wait till Sept. everything will be lost.

    Funny thing is that same story happened to her mother. She was single with a child when younger man, zodiac sign Leo (like me) fell in love with her, and they got married…Life…

    No matter what comes of this i wish her all the best…she deserves it.

    I truly appreciate your help!

  12. cct says:

    I have this relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we will be turning 4 years this coming September. We have been friends and classmates since college. we were deeply inlove and very happy with each other. It is really nice to have those feelings that I have been spoiled by him and his family, he always takes care of me. Im proud to say that “trust” is always present in our relationship. I decided to go abroad to work. its hard to accept that I will be away from him for 2years. we promised each other that we will be together forever and we said that “if we are meant to be then it will be” no matter how far I am to him.. but it came to a point that we never communicate well, unlike before that we always communicate through internet. We have different time zone, his time is 5 hours advance. At first I didn’t understand him and I always annoyed by the distance that separates us, I kept nagging at him and blaming him for not taking too much effort to communicate with me. I was so selfish, I always think of myself because of this homesickness here in abroad and I didn’t realize that he needs time to sleep early. But after this usual fight we both apologize to each other because we know it is just normal in every long distance relationship. I also learned to live my life here in abroad without thinking of him all the time. I made friends with other people, having hangouts with new friends and even entertaining suitors. And eventually there’s a guy who courted me and I admired him for his being friendly and attractive. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know but what I feel right now is i’m very happy and I don’t feel homesick anymore when i’m with him. I can feel the guilt in me. I don’t know what will happen next.. I feel guilty but im happy as well being with my new special someone. I don’t feel like communicating with my boyfriend anymore, I don’t find him sweet and loving. Im confused. am I a cheater? Help me please. Thank you

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like you know what the issue is, both with your long-distance boyfriend and your local suitor. You will have to determine what you want, and what price you are willing to pay to have it.

      If you want the boyfriend, you have to say NO to the suitor. If you’re over the boyfriend, then let him know, and continue with the suitor.

      Yes, there are other options, but you sound like morals and ethics have some value to you, so those are the most honorable options which come to my mind. Either way, I believe you owe your boyfriend a call. I think he deserves to know how dissatisfied you are, and that he may be about to loose you. Also think about how things will be in 6 months or even 6 years. If you like your boyfriends family that much, is that a factor in your decision? There is much to think about, and much to talk about.

      Ultimately the decision is yours, as are the consequences. Take some time and do your best to choose wisely.

  13. Yan says:

    Hi, you have helped me a few months ago (much appreciated)- you might remember my story, sadly I haven’t made progress but my question has changed (I have self doubt now)…. I was trying to make an decision on whether to break up with my bf as per my parent/ keep the relationship underground/ talk to my parent and can have conflict :

    To summarize again: My Boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, I am 23 and he is 28. He had one relationship that lasted 7 years, he married that girl for 1 year and later he got divorced because she cheated on him. He said it was a mistake he made because he was young, and he had a low self esteem back then, she made him believe he is terrible and won’t find anyone else, she was emotionally abusive and she completely disrespected him. He learn’t from his mistakes, he no longer feels insecure and he changed for better now.

    He is my second boyfriend, and he has consistently been trustworthy, loyal, caring, kind, selfless, confident, improving, understanding, sensitive to my needs, self reflecting, rational. He believes I am his true love, and he sees qualities in me, that can sustain an long term relationship filled with happiness.

    I feel comfortable in his love, my love tank is always filled. We share hobbies and interests, I can see myself with him on a long term. However, there is a lot of social pressure that’s affecting me:

    1) My parents don’t approve, they feel he is a risk given his past. My parents strongly suggests breakup. I feel i can’t load unnecessary stress on them esp now that my mom has cancer. But staying with my boyfriend makes me feel guilty.

    2) I feel judged. Am I lowering my self-worth by wanting a divorced man? The world sees this “beautiful, intelligent,good back ground, young me” with an “nice, have a good job, but divorced, 120kg, slightly bold, hairy and has freckles, has epilepsy – although been stable for many years” —- they all think i am blinded by love.

    Should I listen to my parent’s advice – throw him away, and find better because I am young and there is lots of good guys out there still. I am soooo confused, he is REALLY a good man, and I do love him. But is that enough for me to fight for him, and not feel resentment in the future?

    • philosiblog says:

      At some point, you become a grown person, and make your own decisions. Your parents are acting on the knowledge they have, and the opinions they formed in their youth. They want what is best for you, but don’t have all the information. As an example, is there a way you can describe exactly how you feel, and get them to feel it as well?

      That said, as a grown adult making your own decisions, you will have to also live with the consequences. You will have to determine what matters most to you, knowing that your decision, no matter how you decide, will hurt someone (or several someones).

      I can’t make that decision for you, but you will, eventually, make that decision. And you will live with the consequences. Think about it, and what the decision will look like in five years if you are right, and what it would look like in five years if your parents are right. Then look at how things are in-between. What if you are half right, but they are as well. How does that work out? Take some time and think about it.

  14. Alex says:

    Hi, I have a situation. My ex boyfriend and I broke up and April and it was hard. He is jewish and I’m catholic and that is why we broke up. We didn’t want to but he has too. Well time has gone by and he contacted me on my birthday and asked to catch up. We did and it waa beautiful but sad beach see had to say goodbye again and that hurt me. We left off from there on not so good terms. And he said we shouldn’t talk for a long time for example 6 months to a year. I was actually starting to move on and he called me on Sunday and asked how I was and said he’ll stop by for a bit at my dorm. He did today and it was weird. It was really unexpected that he called, and I might’ve acted weird when I saw him today. It was awkward, we usually hug or kiss, and we were talking. As if we were strangers, I don’t know if it was boring because we weren’t doing anything physical. I think it’s because it’s new for us, because we never tried being friends. I just don’t want things to be awkward, because we are comfortable and have a good time together. I really want to try and be friends. And he did call me and wanted to catch up. I felt a weird vibe in that he was trying to not get to close to me. He seems pretty hesitant. It’s not like we are getting back together. I see it in his eyes that be wants to say something or tell me something. Just something, and I wonder why he contacted me if he specifically sad we shouldn’t, and last time he said I can’t keep doing this to you, and hurting you by re contacting you and because it’s to hard and yet he called me. I even asked him if to go eat dinner just to eat and he said no. I don’t know, I’m confused and I know he is to.

    • philosiblog says:

      Any relationship with mixed roots will have issues. Until you come to grips with your difference of faith, the uncertainty will stand between the two of you.

      It may not seem like much right now, but if things run their course, and you get married and have kids, then what? Which faith will they follow? I would imagine that is at the heart of what is bothering him, and you as well. Consider how you would proceed in that situation, then consider how he feels if he lets himself fall in love with you again. My guess is that he is protecting himself from that possibility.

      As for being friends, that can be done, but I think you two need to agree first that the romance is completely and irrevocably dead. While there is a chance that the flames could rekindle, there will be hesitancy. Distance and time will help, but the two of you need to figure out what your path forward will be. You need to communicate clearly and honestly, without any reservation or agenda. That will mean laying bare your heart and soul to him, but if you care that deeply for each-other, it shouldn’t be too risky. To do anything else will leave doubt in your minds, and make your future that much more difficult.

      Stay strong, you can do far more than you think.

  15. Kimberly says:

    Hello,

    I met a guy at work, a marine. We started dating and fell in love. I was on birth control. We had a discussion about possible pregnancy and I agreed that I didn’t want a child for numerous reasons. We talked about abortion and I agreed to it, if pregnancy were to happen. A year later, I became pregnant. I couldn’t go through with an abortion because it felt wrong on so many levels, all the way in my soul. I literally threw up trying to consider it. He made it clear that if I were to have the baby that he was out of our lives. I considered adoption. I found out she was a girl and I definitely couldn’t go through with adoption because I was sexually molested as a child and I wanted to prevent that from happening to her. I had the baby, completely alone. I instantly fell in love with her. Her health and happiness is everything to me. I met a guy and tried to move on from my child’s dad. A year and a half later, this guy proposed to me, and I accepted. And then, my daughter’s dad professed his regrets and said he was a complete idiot. He wanted me and my new guy to be happy. I couldn’t even look at the man I was engaged to after that. I broke off my engagement and got back together with my daughter’s dad. Now, I have hurt someone that never deserved to be hurt and I feel guilty for being the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

    Do you have any advice for me?

    • philosiblog says:

      It would be one thing if you led the second guy on, and then dumped him for no good reason. Yes, I imagine he is not happy, but (as I understand it) this was not deliberate on your part. Sometimes things happen in life, and we have little control over it. I believe this is one of these things.

      The fact that you feel bad tells me you have a good heart. Apologize (in writing, if facing him is too much), and let it go. It will take a little time, but the guilt will fade. Stay strong, and keep your little girl safe. Then teach her to be strong as well. 8)

      • Kimberly says:

        Thank you very much for caring and replying to my comment and everyone else’s comments. :) Thank you for the advice.

        I hope you have a nice day.

      • philosiblog says:

        Just remember, free advice is worth every penny you paid!

        Consider my words, but also consider your situation. You will have to make the decisions, and you will live with the consequences. Choose carefully. 8)

    • Lily says:

      Kimberly!
      I have an advice for you.
      Please write a book about your experience. Or at least a short story. I am sure others would find it inspiring, like I did.
      I can’t believe the drama you went through!
      You brave brave girl with a good heart.
      You deserve the best and don’t feel guilty for getting the love you wanted.

      Lily

  16. Alex says:

    Hi, I need some advice. My ex recently contacted me and we saw one another and we had a fun time. I feel like I can me myself with him,and we always have a nice time together. The thing is I still have feelings for him, and because of that I decided to stop talking to him and I think it’s best if we not talk ever again. He is an amazing person and somebody I can count on and I trust him. I just hope I made the right decision. I don’t know why I can’t let go. We broke up because he is jewish and I’m catholic. The last time we talked he said he doesn’t regret anything, and we had such a strong emotional and physical connection. I know what we felt was real. I don’t want to be selfish and get rid of a potentially amazing friendship because I can’t let go of the romantic idea of both of us. Plus he is talking to someone who is not jewish and it hurts a little, only because we broke up because of that. He told me they won’t be serious and tat he just needs somone there, but then I have a question. Then why aren’t we together? I mean I can tell he is over us, I mean I think so. I don’t really know. I want to stick to my conviction and not contact him, but idk if it’s the right choice. That was about a week ago when I told him that, and he said he was proud of me for making a decision I didn’t really want to make but did. I don’t know if letting him go completely out of my life was a good idea, I think about him still. I feel there is still that spark between us and that feelings are still there but idk. I don’t want to look like an idiot for contacting him and saying I want to make a friendship work. I’m very indecisive. He would always contact me after we’d say not to, but I’m nervous this time he won’t and we’ ll never talk again. I don’t know what to do.

    • philosiblog says:

      I really don’t know how to help, other than to tell you that you’ll never come to a decision until you sort out your head and your heart. If you are not to be in communication, then next time he contacts you, don’t reply. If ‘no contact’ isn’t a rule, then contact him.

      As long as you keep this “no, no, no, ok” pattern going, you will never heal. His leaving left a wound, and you keep picking at the scab. Yes, that’s a pretty gross analogy, but emotionally, that’s what you’re doing, and from here, it looks pretty gross. Look at all the pain you are inflicting on yourself.

      If seeing him with someone else bothers you, avoid him, or fight for him. But please quit tormenting yourself with his memory.

      Until you have decided, you will remain indecisive. What is your future with him? Lover, friend, or someone he used to know? Once you have determined that path, and sought and received his concurrence, you will be able to move forward with your life with some certainty and confidence.

  17. Semperfi_do_or_di says:

    I met a woman 9 months ago. We hit it off immediately. I asked her several times if she had a boyfriend which she told me she did not. So I pursued her, then as we got closer spending every night out to dinner weekends together she tells me she has a boyfriend. By this time I was madly in love with her. She was so stressed about her children that are in their early 20′s but have no guidance in life. I began to help them out, she and I continued to see each other, she began insisting on paying for her meals when we went out, but I was the first one she called when she had a problem. Her BF lives out of town. She told me many times she doenst know why she is with him, she loves him but she knows he is not right for her. She told me that i am everything he isnt. Well recently we had a argument about him, the only time we argued was about him, things were said and now she is moving to live with him and all of a sudden tells everyone she has a boyfriend, they all though i was her boyfriend. I am trying like mad to let her go, we have fought like this before and she has come back to me, My heart tells me she will again. I can not imagine not being with this woman. we have such a connection, she old me unsolicited that i was her best frined and her confidant that she can not talk to anyone the way she talks to me including her bf. there is an age difference of 17 years she is 17 years older than I. when we are together you can not notice the age difference we connect on such a strong level. She tells me she hates her self that she can not love me the way i lover her. is there any hope she will come back?

    • philosiblog says:

      The answer to your question is entirely in her hands. She might come back, but she might not. Perhaps she is taking the final step, moving back with her old BF. By doing that, she can compare life with him to life with you. Provided your words didn’t cause too much harm, she might decide that living with him just isn’t what she needs. It all depends on her, and what she values, and what price she is willing to pay for what she wants.

      Sorry I can’t be more specific, but when another person is involved, there are limits to what can be predicted.

      Trying to forget someone is kind of pointless. Someone you love will always be with you, no matter the distance or the time passed.

      You probably have some free time, but what will you do with it? I would find something to do to help improve yourself. You deserve to be the best person you can be, and that will take a little effort on your part. You spent the last few months working on being a better friend and a mentor, but now what aspect of your life will you work on improving?

      Above all, stay strong. No matter what the outcome, you are strong enough to continue with your life, and to grow and thrive.

  18. Alex says:

    I just saw my ex last night and I spent the night. We had a great night and just held each other and then I awkwardly left in the morning not knowing exactly where we stand. We broke because he is jewish and I’m catholic. I want to call him but I initiated contact and I don’t want to seem desperate it needy, but I want to know where we stand or how he feels. Idk if I should wait for him to text or call me or if I should contact him?

    • philosiblog says:

      I would recommend you find someplace to meet where the two of you can meet and talk frankly. Not either of your places, but somewhere else. A park or nature preserve might work, someplace neutral and relatively private. Then you need to determine exactly where you stand. Until then, you are just stumbling around in the dark. That rarely ends well, does it?

      If you are unwilling to take that step, or they are not, then there is no relationship, just friends with benefits. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to understand the status of your relationship before you can make any plans. To do that you need to talk with them. I would recommend calling and stating that you want to discuss where you two stand, and what the future might hold. Plan also to discuss the issues that the parents have with the difference in religions.

      If you get to the point in the conversation where the relationship is verified and you decide to go forward with it, you MUST then have the discussion of children and religion. You will have that discussion/argument eventually, so best to have it now, before children are torn apart by the argument.

      This is a big, and quite scary step, but if you are to have a future together, that is the only path forward which stands a chance of success, at least in my opinion.

      Stay strong, and remain true to your heart.

  19. helloworld says:

    I knew a woman, she is the most adorable woman i’ve met, I often talked with her, talking about anything, i made her laugh, i made her tell her story, etc and I really enjoyed it and she seemingly comfort with me,
    And last night, she told me, she need to retreat for some time and i don’t know why.
    She told me she enjoyed every our conversations we had but then she need time to retreat, to calming down herself.
    It frightening as well, because i didn’t know what must i’m doing without talk to her for some day or a week or a month
    I don’t know man, but it was very complicated to understood… we enjoyed every moment but then she need alone, why.
    Give me some advice maybe

    • philosiblog says:

      She has her own reasons. The question is what will you do?

      Perhaps her feelings have crossed some line, and she must examine what she feels and how she wishes to proceed. There is no knowing what is going on. Did she give any indication regarding how long she would be away from you? Were you asked not to contact her, but wait for her to contact you?

      Everyone needs a little time to themselves, especially when there is a decision to be made. You can try to influence her, but you risk pushing her away instead of drawing her in, right?

      I would recommend you take some time to consider what you can do to improve yourself while you wait for her to respond. Stay strong, but set a deadline after which you will contact her, if only to ask how things are going, and when she expects to contact you. If she doesn’t know, let her know you will contact her again in the future. You will need to figure out before hand how long you are willing to wait, and use that time instead of ‘future’ in the prior sentence.

      Just understand that you could end up making things worse instead of better if you pester her too often or too soon. Unfortunately, the only way to find out if it is too soon is to ask. For that, I have no advice, except to wait as long as you can, and then wait another day or two.

      Sorry I can’t be of more help.

  20. I am thrilled to have found this article. It helped me in more ways than one.

    My situation is unique.
    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I am not exaggerating but it was an almost perfect relationship. we fought, we laughed, we talked, we made love, we went out, we cried. we went thru everything together in the last 6 years. we both knew we were each other’s soul mates. we both still feel that way.

    I had to move away for grad school and it’s to the other side of the country. It was gonna be for an year. however, two days before i moved away, he asked for open relationship. i said no. we argued. he felt he needs to sort his conflicted feelings out. i had an inking he met a girl but he denied. so i approved.

    i found out he actually is having a thing with a girl who he sees everyday at his internship as well as in same classes. shes around 24/7 and i am not there. needless to say, the last month has been HELL for me. i fought for him. he said he still sees me as his wife. he still sees me in his future. he feels that he needs to have this experience of exploring someone else. understand, i am his first. hes my first as well. so i think he wanted to have more sexual experience before settling down with me.

    he did admit to me he thinks its just lust with her. the problem is the girl really likes him. interestingly, the girl is married but she left her husband for him. literally. everything happened so fast. they already had sex within a week? maybe they are rebounds for each other? i dont know but he told me he does not have feelings for her, only sexual feelings. true? i dont know. i dont know if he is saying these things to make me feel better or he is being truthful. he even said he needs to find a perfect opportunity to end it with her eventually. i have a feeling this will take months because he is a big softy and he doesnt want to hurt her especially he will see her everyday. she is a huge part of his support system for his career.

    we still talk from time to time. but just yesterday, he texted me and he felt unstable. he said some days he wants me. some days he wants to give her a shot because he feels i deserve better.

    i have tried to let him go but he still tells me he loves me. he still wants me. but hes not just ready to be 100% committed to me. its so strange because in the last 6 year he was totally faithful. he never laid an eye on other girl. he would always tell me if he feels he overstep a bound but everytime he did that, it was nothing and i laughed it off. so this is not the guy i know. maybe long distance and hes just using her as a rebound?

    so, what do you think i should do?

    • philosiblog says:

      Start with what your gut tells you. Yes, it’s probably flipping over or churning. But underneath the turmoil, you have a feeling. Start with that and explore what it tells you. Does it seem to feel things will pass, or does it seem to feel like he has passed?

      With that as a basis (but not a final decision, unless the feeling is overwhelming), consider what your heart says. It sounds like you still have strong feelings for him. Can you handle sharing him? For how long?

      Now consider what your thoughts are. When should he be over his infatuation? How messy will his breakup be, and does that matter to you? Do you think he will be able to go back to being devoted to you, or has his wandering eye (and perhaps other body parts), having been awoken, be a problem hereafter?

      This won’t be easy, but you need to set some deadlines for you and for him. What life-events are coming up? When does he graduate? When might you move back to his area? How much more can you take?

      I don’t envy your position. This will be a tough time, but remember that you are far stronger than you have imagined. Stay strong and believe in your value, your worth, and your future.

      • Hello

        Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.
        We talked last night and he admitted that he is using her. but he misses me. I plan to move back within an year and I think by the time I move back, things will be better. I think his break up will be messy but i will be there to support him through it. it does feel things will pass but it will take a lot of time.
        Thanks again
        SmileBigAlways

      • philosiblog says:

        I’m glad that things appear to be working out for you. Of course, it’s not over until it is over, but hopefully he is being honest and all will work out. Keep up the communication, and stay strong.

  21. Heather says:

    Hello
    I dated a man for 2 years. He was married for 24 and I was married for 5. We both had difficult divorces and found comfort in each other. He pursued me and we fell deeply in love. He told me I was his future and then several months ago he changed. He didn’t want to talk about the future. He wanted to live in theoment . I asked about a commitment and he said he didn’t want one. I have a 6 year old who was getting more attached to him. He has a 14 year old. We broke up again for 24 hours and then reconciled because I said i didn’t want to know a life without him. He told me if he gets a promotion out of state in 4 years after his son finished high school that he would take it and leave. I finally got the courage almost 3 weeks ago to let him go. He was very clear ” I don’t want a commitment and you do”. I asked about 10 years from now and he said he didn’t want to dangle a carrot and say yes.
    How does a man tell you that he never loved someone as much before and let’s you walk away. I am so confused and in so much pain. I haven’t made contact. He texted me about an award and that is all. I am off Facebook for good and thankfully have a busy life but I break down crying every night. Please help

    • philosiblog says:

      That, sadly, is one of the problems with dating while in turmoil. Both of you found something you were missing after your divorces in each-other. It appears he healed from his divorce, and is headed on his own path, possibly without you. You seem to have taken him as husband, in spirit at least, and never really healed from the trauma of your divorce.

      Time will help you heal, both from your divorce and from this relationship. Until you heal, I don’t believe you will be able to move forward with your life. Moving from relationship to relationship, trying to fill a void, that is probably not your best path forward.

      It will be hard for you, but everyone is far stronger than they imagine. You can survive this. You may even be able to understand, if not forgive him and his attitude. But you will survive. You will get better, and you will get stronger. And the sadness will give way to fond memories, as the good times are remembered, and the bad times fade away.

      • Heather says:

        Thank you for your response. I don’t agree. I didn’t date while in turmoil in fact my therapist who I have seen for. 4 years told me to get out there. I had been a year out if my divorce. This man had only been 6 months with a 24 year marriage. To me it feels like he liked the see the girlfriend ever other weekend and that’s where it stopped. If he was like this at the onset I would not have invested so much emotionally. I did not treat him like a husband in fact I only wanted to know after two years that we had a commitment . At the beginning he told me I was his future and he wrote letters and bought the 5 love languages to read together.

      • philosiblog says:

        Ultimately, it is your life, and your decision. You know the details far better than I, and you know your heart. Follow it as best you can, and stay true to yourself.

        Thanks for writing back, especially given that you disagree. I’m glad to hear that you are thinking about what I said, and finding that it doesn’t fit well with your life. Never stop doing that!

  22. andi says:

    I just found out my fiance has been cheating on me for the past 3 months I found cause he went to jail for traffic tickets I went through his phone and found texts he tells me he will explain everything when he gets out and that he still loves me and wants to marry me but he’s still talking to this other person I don’t know what to do I love him so much..

    • philosiblog says:

      Um, if he’s in jail because he can’t stop breaking traffic laws, I would suggest that he has issues beyond your ability to help. If he can’t keep his hands off others, that’s another reason to walk away. If he has to ‘explain’ his actions, odds are high that what he gives you are lies he has rehearsed in his absence.

      What you do depends on what you value. But everything you have related states that he does not value you as anything other than a good time. If the relationship has progressed to the point of being engaged, and he is still behaving like this, I would suggest you take a moment and reconsider your future.

      You are strong enough to survive without him. I would even be so bold as to say you can do better for yourself and your future family by finding someone else. Yes you love him, and you always will. But you can move on, and find room in your heart for someone who deserves someone like you.

  23. Lulu says:

    I recently let go with the philisophy of “if he comes back”…

    And this verse is truly how I loved him, deep in my heart: 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7

    I have been dating someone for two years who has been a widow for over 14 years now and has a 25 year old daughter that still lives at home with him. I’m in my early 50′s and he’s in his late 50′s. His daughter initially loved me coming over. She would go to dinner with us, or breakfast, we would talk. But after our first year of dating she really started becoming very jealous of me, and this has continued through this past year. It started because her dad asked if she would move to the front bathroom since she had been showering, doing her make up, hair, etc. in his master bedroom ever since her mother passed away. And now that I was staying over most weekends, she was always knocking on the door to come in and shower, or to do her make-up. So I had asked him why she doesn’t have her own bathroom, and commented on how important it was for us to have our privacy. That was a rough couple of months because she was mad at him, hated me and the house was tense all the time.

    The unfortunate part is he always says he doesn’t want to create waves with his daughter, so he prefers to ignore things, and asked me to just ignore it, and don’t say anything to her. I recently found out said told him that she was tired of me coming between the two of them. I use to always say hi to her, she would not respond. I would buy her Christmas and birthday gifts, she never said thank you. And I end up frustrated with him because of her actions, which ultimately affected our relationship. I decided after her birthday several months back when I took a cake and bouquet of flowers to his office for her and never heard a word from her that she even received them. I was fed up and decided that I was done saying hi or ackhowledging her when I went to his house.

    To add to all this, there are pictures in almost every room and a very large collage of pictures of his wife and himself in the family room. Initially I didn’t mention any of the pictures, but several months back I asked if he would consider moving, not removing, just moving the large collage and maybe putting it in his office. His initial response was he understood, then days later he was mad. Then he said he would talk it over with his daughter and let me know. Of course this turned into a remodel project, buying all new office furniture, etc. which took over two months. Then in the end he said he decided he didn’t want to move the picture, and why does it matter to me because she’s dead, and she’s not a threat to me. My reply was simply, I would just prefer not to sit with you and always see this collage of pictures. It’s been two years that we have been dating and I want to feel that we are continuing to move forward. And I feel that you can’t move forward when you are continually reminded of and living in the past. The house for the most part has remained as it was since she passed away. I added that I felt this wasn’t healthy for himself or his daughter to have all of these reminders after all these years. And that I also knew how much he loved his wife, but that I want to be a part of his life now and a part of his future, not just a part in his life. We have even talked about marriage.

    But last month everything changed. We went away for a week long vacation, I drove over to his house, parked my car in the garage, and his daughter ran out to him furious that I parked my car in the garage. He asked me to move my car and I refused. I’m at a point where I have just had it. We drove off had our vacation, along with a very long discussion about all of these issues and how I felt frustrated that he allows her to be so disrespectful to me and childish to say it nicely.

    When we got back things didn’t feel right. I mentioned I needed time to think about everything. He was mad at me. We ended up breaking things off, and of course started talking and texting off and on. I found out he went on a date, and he said he didn’t know what he wanted to do with our relationship. We connected the past couple of weekends where he came to my house Saturday and stayed over. We were supposdely back together and working on things, but he started ignorning my calls and text messages. I said I can’t do this anymore with being in the “unknown stage”. I needed to know if he wanted to work on our relationship and do this, or not. He said he couldn’t answer the question. My reply, “You Just Did”, and I then walked away.

    Now a week later, the longest and hardest week ever! I know deep in my heart I had to let go. And honestly, I don’t think things would ever work out while his daughter remains living in the house. I would not ever want to come between them, but I feel that I’m in a position right now where he won’t stand up for me and she doesn’t like me being there, so it’s a no win situation for me. And I would never ask him to choose between us because that is something no one should ever ask of a parent and their child. I have two kids of my own. Who by the way have always been respectful to him.

    So, at this point, I am trying to stand strong and know that I can’t allow myself to be treated this way. And if he truly loves me, he will come around and want to stand by my side and not have me on the sideline!

    I too thank you for your replies, and have been reading through these to find strength and support to stand strong.

    My heart is broken and very heavy right now…

    • philosiblog says:

      That is a terrible situation to be in. However, if he cannot respect you, then it is hard to make the case that he deserves someone as nice as you.

      Maintain your strength, and continue on with your life. You cannot change him, he must change himself. It is out of your hands, and it appears that you understand. My thoughts will be with you as you work through this time of change.

  24. Gloria says:

    Being friends with someone who claims to like you and whom you like and maybe even love is not easy. I’ve tried being friends that way with a guy and he claims relationships don’t work out so let’s stick to best friends. This “best friend” thing gets tiring at times since he almost acts like my boyfriend and he does the same with other girls too. So I think it’s better if I just let him go, but it’s like I’m losing a friend too. For me it’s all or nothing. There isn’t any in between like this right now. What do I do? He doesn’t understand my feelings.

    • philosiblog says:

      Sounds like a communication breakdown. His definition of friends and yours appear to be different.

      I would start with a serious discussion and inform him of your limits. You aren’t dictating to him what he must do, just what you will do if he does something beyond your definition. If he can abide by your agreed definitions, perhaps you can stay. If he insists on using his definition and you don’t agree, or he can’t stick to yours, it would appear to be over.

      How does that sound?

  25. meghan says:

    i read this because my boyfriend broke up with me. we were our first loves and never have been with anyone else. lately we have been so busy and arguing over that. i also have been upset with his choice of friends, who gave him poor guidence and lead him to trouble and told him to end it with me just beacuse they didnt like me… this lead him to want to break up. he said he just wants time to put himself first because all he thinks about is seeing me and is having trouble in school because of it. he also wants to live the life of single, not the single part of getting girls really, but not having to report in and think of me in the back of his head when making choices to do things because i am so overbearing. he doesnt want to label it a break because he wants to let me go and said this very meaning found on this page “if you love something set it free”. at first i was very wary especially because i love him so much. i think though because of this break or breakup or whatever we are gonna call it has already made things better and our bond stronger. we are still friends and i realized not to argue over petty things and have learned how to balance your love and life. hoepfully we end up back together after we take some space away from being in a long term relationship and learn to keep a balanced life. wether it be with eachother later in life or with someone else i know what to do and what not to push

    • philosiblog says:

      Life is a series of learning experiences. It sounds like you have learned quite a bit recently. Take some time while he is away and consider what you have learned, and how you will apply it to the next time you are with someone (either him or another). And take some time for yourself, as you don’t have to worry about him, and do something you wanted to do, but he didn’t.

      Stay strong, and take this as a chance to grow and become a better person.

  26. Gloria says:

    Not to make him sound bad but to put it out there he’s an egotist. Discussing with him only shows him I care and makes me feel vulnerable. He lives off this feeling because he craves power more than anything and I’m being an enabler. I just want to be indifferent and let him go, so that I can continue with my life.

    • philosiblog says:

      Everyone has needs, and he has chosen a way to get what he believes meets his needs. Unfortunately, his path and your path diverge. Life is like that sometimes.

      Glad to hear you are being strong in the face of these changes. I hope to hear from you again soon. There are plenty of other posts to browse. 8)

      • Gloria says:

        I’ve distanced myself from him but he keeps coming back. He tries to make college difficult for me and because of this I’m suffering from clinical depression. I try to explain that I’m sensitive and need to be spoken to nicely and he just doesn’t understand. And he’s extremely selfish. I don’t want to make it a big issue in college. How do I solve this?

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like you have tried subtle, and it has not worked. He sounds like a bit of a bully, and you may have to reach him at his own level. Failing that, you can talk to a counselor and try to find out what actions you can take. It may require you taking out a restraining order (or some other protective action from the police or court system). Somehow you have to convince him that you are serious.

        It doesn’t sound like the situation will improve until you can get through to him. What method is appropriate requires more knowledge of the situation than I have. You will have to figure out what you are willing to do to protect yourself. And then you will have to do it.

        Stay strong. You have more strength within you than you know or understand.

  27. nupi says:

    There is this guy i met and from the first day we met we couldnt stop talking to each other and we became closer and closer… then at a certain point we always had arguments and it was always the same. It was like destiny was causing problems, but everytime we would get through it and our friendship would become better and we would become closer. We even started some kind of “dating/hang out” i couldnt make the difference. And one day he told me he loves me and i loved him too but things were just so difficult and he just knew i loved him. We both come from a strict culture and he knew i didnt want a boyfriend, but its not that he was searching for a girlfriend… he didnt know what he wanted and i didnt either and things became so weird. Now at university we’re barely abely to talk to each other because its just so complicated and weird. And i love him so so much, my heart beats faster when i see him and all that stuff. And sometimes hes the sweetestest guy on earth while sometimes he is really really mean and makes me cry and doubt myself. Im a shy introvert and he is an extrovert and one day we were arguing so much that we started ignoring each other. He wanted to save our friendship so he came to me and said he wanted to talk about it to solve it. And shy as i am, i couldnt talk and i couldnt say a thing and at a certain moment i just wanted to cry and he was hurt and that was the time he decided he had to let me go and he did. And i knew what he was thinking, maybe because i loved him. And i tried to let go, too. But one day after some months i couldnt take it anymore because i kept dreaming of him and i just sent him a little message wishing him a good holiday… and some days after that he came to me and we met and we talked about everything that happened. But one thing changed and its the way he treats me. He is trying to tell me in every language and in every way that were just friends and it hurts like hell because i am still in love with him. He wants me as a friend only he says, it seems like he fell out of love. Sometimes i just think he was playing games then i think no its not possible because everything seemed so real and i just dont know what to do. He tells me there happened something with him that made him close his heart for everyone and to forget about love for a while, and i… i am just dying of it and waiting for the better to come but w grew apart and he let me go because he said he has issues. I dont know what to do.

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like he has made his decision. The question is how you are going to respond. I presume you understand that he has left the relationship as you knew it, and that things have changed.

      While you could try to change his mind, it sounds like you already have, and to no avail. The question is what will you do now?

      My suggestion is that you make a list of things you wanted to do, but didn’t have the time to do in the past. That might be traveling to somewhere he wasn’t interested in going, or visiting a shop where he didn’t want to spend time. Or you could take up a hobby or learn a skill for which you just didn’t have time.

      You deserve to be the best person you are able to become. That applies today, as well as every day after that. Learn something new. Try something you haven’t tried before. Take a look at what didn’t go well in your life, and find a new way to try doing it.

      Through all of it, remain true to yourself, and remember that you have strength within you which you have hardly touched. And no matter how strong you think you are, there is still more strength within you. Believe it, and believe in yourself.

      Your future is yours to create. It can be one of misery and despair, or of happiness and joy. You must make that decision. Make the right one for you, and then stand by it.

  28. Kimberly says:

    Hey, I just wanted to leave an update and something that I’ve learned.

    Well for the update- My ex fiance started to stalk me and showed up at my house and there was a domestic dispute. I tried to be nice but I told him that we were never getting back together and that we were on different chapters in our life’s journey. So, I let go of the guilt. And it helped also to not feel guilty because he had posted pictures all over social media or him and a new woman as he was crying to me.

    I’m now engaged again to my daughter’s dad. And we are now also spending 6 months in separate states for financial reasons. That was hard at first but it is now — easy.

    What I learned was that I really truly– deeply sucked at communicating my feelings. My heart was on my sleeve. I was way to edgy and quick to become angry if I felt any threat of losing him or whatever the insane form of intimacy is when we text— I love you —–and then don’t get a response …. for a few hours. but those few hours seemed like forever. (( The maybe I’m not important enough thoughts creep in)) Maybe he feels different about me now then the false pride of —I deserve better than this. I don’t like being ignored.

    So when he does finally respond
    it’s why are we even doing this??
    Nothing but negative energy and doubt and that pushes the other person away. The blame and shame game also pushes them away. but forgiveness and fixing my insecurities was the needed medicine.

    Also, it’s better to just go ahead and tell a person in the best way to describe it — Exactly how you feel ——that they melt you– that they take your breath away.

    I never had the guts to say any of that stuff before and I had wayyyy too much pride to see my own faults or to deal with my own insecurities, but that’s made all the difference in all the relationships in my life.

    Oh, how hard it was to realize that the world didn’t revolve around my emotions and that I needed to change. It’s easy to see fault in others but not so easy to see fault where we should by looking in the mirror.

    I made those changes and now I’m going to marry the man I’m in love with and I can honestly say I can’t even wrap my mind around why or how we even made it back to each other. I’m so grateful. I feel so blessed, and I’m so happy.

    I hope this helps someone.

    <3

  29. bbylove says:

    well me an this boy been together for a year an a half we meet up during the summer an spent every day an time together we had fun, we always texted eachothers an oovoo an we was in love but couple months he had to go back to his hometown an I had to start school so we made promises to eachothers that we will always stay in touch an want find nobody else soo we stay together when he got back to his hometown it was hard cause we couldnt see eachothers or do nothing but a month after that I got on Facebook I went on his profile an he had lots of girls saying they love him an stuff like that an he would say it back…….so I got jaelous an ask him about it he usually say oh they my best friends or sum like that so I believed him but them 2 months later he posted saying he need someone cuddle with him an I got mad an felt some type of way so me an him agured about tht then we broke up but he said we could back together when he move back where I live soo we made a promise then couple months after I text him sometimes we had good converstations then we agure like lastnight he said he love me but he don’t wanna jump into a relationship as soon as he get back an he had me over here waiting on him since the day he went back to his hometown an now telling me this then I was like wow then he said goodnight he love me*I didn’t say it back an today we agure all morning an just now I ask him what he mean by tht he said we can’t get back together an I was like why then he said he gotta let go what happen up there an see what happen down here an I said Wht you mean by tht he said Hr gotta let go of the love ones an he want tell me nothing else an I’m all confuse I really love him he means the world to me I just don’t know what to do I tryed an tryed to tell him how I feel but nun never works out:( please help me out

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like he has already made the decision to end the relationship. You can either fight the rising tide, or you can make adjustments. The choice is yours. Neither way will be painless, and neither way will be easy.

      However, if you continue to fight, you will likely lose, and then still have to deal with the breakup. Your pain and hurt will be compounded. The choice is yours.

      As you asked for my advice, I would council that you should move on with your life. It will not be pleasant, but you can do it. You have the strength, if you will reach within and take hold of it.

  30. Jennifer says:

    I agree with you completely. I just lost the person that i love not too long ago, and i would love to know your perspective on this. Its a long story but please bare with me. I met this guy a few months ago. Everything was normal at first, until i had traumatic incident, that caused me to have severe Panic disorder and PTSD. I was such an a bad state that i was forced to drop everything; college, work, friends. And as a result, i ended up in the ER 7 times and had to be monitored. Anyways this guy was there for me, caring enough to deal with my situation. But due to the trauma i couldnt be around him much, i was scared all the time and i didnt feel safe anywhere and with anybody but family. So i pushed him away by making up excuses to avoid him. Until one day he had enough and told me he couldnt deal with this anymore. That it hurt him that i would do this to him knowing that he loved me. So he stop talking to me.
    I was upset but i accepted, i wasnt aware at that time how much i really did loved him. Surprisingly 2 weeks later he texts me back and tells me that hes sorry and once again hes back in my life. Shortly after the same cycle starts repeating itself. And once again he tells me he cannot deal with me constantly pushing him away. I got angry and told him he was selfish for only thinking for himself and not being considerate of my situation . After arguing and saying the worst things to each other we stop talking for good. Flash forward 3 months which is now, and i decide to text him. Im more stable and could think clearly now that i was going to therapy. I couldnt stop thinking of him the whole time, i was constantly reminded of him and what used to be. I felt guily for what i said to him and how deeply sadden i was and am for loosing him. Eventhough sometimes i was indenial. I thought maybe i could get over him by talking to other people but i failed at each attempt. When id send the text, i appologized and told him i was sorry and if we could ever be friends, he said yes.
    I was extremely happy but not for long until he broke the news to me he was in already in a relationship. It broke my heart like you cant imagine. Its just hard to understand how he moved on so quick. I thought things would be back to normal, and that we could finally be happy but i was so wrong and stupid to think that. So i told him i would leave him alone for good. In the last message , i said that i had always loved him this whole time (i never told him that before). So I let him go. Its been 4 days since our last text, and im devastated. It hurts too much to let him go. I truly believe he still loves me and that hes just confused right now. Did i do the right thing by setting him free?

    • philosiblog says:

      That depends on how you are doing. Is it fair for you to put him through everything you’re going through? What will his days and nights be like while you are recovering? He has been through that twice, and couldn’t take it then.

      I believe that, for the moment, this is the better way for things to be. You need time to heal, and he needs time to recover. Two hurting people who are having a hard enough time dealing with their own hurt will not, in my opinion, help themselves or each-other by trying to make a relationship work.

      Take some time to get better. When you are back on your feet and doing well, then consider if you are ready for a relationship. One step at a time has worked well for me. How about you? Do you want to try to help yourself, help him, and rebuild your relationship at the same time?

      Only time will tell whether it was the best decision. Second-guessing at this point is probably not the best thing for you to do. 8)

  31. Chris says:

    Hi there, i’d like to share my story with you if you don’t mind and see what response you give me.
    Im 33 years old and I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years. we have 4 children together but now are currently separated. Its been 2 months already. And a rough 2 months at that. at first it wasn’t so bad because it seemed temporary but this last month its starting to seem as this may last a bit longer. The real issue we have had is my inability to be a provider for her and my kids. I’ve held jobs down before and made great money, but there in the last couple years jobs have been tough to come by. She currently is living with her parents and I am living with my father. There is no way of us being back together due to our parents and our current marital situation, unless we get our own place. But through this time I’ve noticed my wife has changed quite a bit. She seems very detached emotionally even when here recently I’ve poured my heart out letting her know just how much I feel for her. She says she still loves me and texts and calls me everyday. She says there is a future for us if and when we can get our own place, but with my current job status im not entirely sure when that will be. Im working, just not making enough. Im working also on finding a better job. She works and I work so there has been very little time for us to see each other which frustrates me a little so I guess I have to deal with a phone relationship and enjoy the time I can see her. You can probably already guess I’ve cried my eyes out and have gone through very sleepless nights feeling very alone and just a soul crushing pain. I really do love this woman. I hope the change im seeing isn’t her finding a new flame in someone else. She has told me that we have become very structured and she wants to be more care free and unpredictable at times.
    What could you tell me to help put my mind at ease to maybe help me move forward with my marriage or prepare for a devore (God forbid)
    Thank you

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like you have the basics figured out. And believe me when I say I have an idea what you are going through. I’ve been between jobs before, and it is not a fun time. With the future of your family on the line, it’s probably quite a bit worse.

      Have you considered being a little more spontaneous around her? Have you considered other things you could do? Not knowing your skills and aptitudes, I can’t help much about job ideas, but at this point, anything is probably better than nothing.

      Stay strong, keep up your faith in yourself, and keep working. Getting a job is a full time job, right? 8)

  32. Kevin says:

    Hi there, me and my girfriend dated for about 15 months. The first 7 months were perfect and then it got complicated because she stopped trying to make me feel appreciated. And the fighting never stopped, the more I fought, the less she tried. But I never left, eventually she did. Which I totally understand.

    Fast forward 3 months later, we barely spoke. Actually we never spoke. Except for this one time when she “accidentally” texted me. But a few weeks later, she called me and invited me to a show. I went with her because deep inside I still love her and would forgive and do anything for her on any day. The only question is does she still love me? Why did she decide to come back into my life 3 months later?

    Since then we talk everyday, yesterday she came to visit me at work. And we’re basically close friends now. We never talk about the past and we never talk about what this is as of right now.

    I’m just really confused because I still love her….

    • philosiblog says:

      I don’t know what you are at this time. She is probably trying to get over how you treated her, and hoping that things go better this time. She probably came back because she missed you, and wanted to give it another chance.

      Take it easy, and try to avoid falling into bad patterns again. If you notice one of those patterns, like feeling unappreciated, do something different. Talk to her, but don’t get angry. In my experience, if you expect someone to do things for you, but you don’t do them in return (in the manner that they wish), things will eventually get ugly. If you start withholding what they want because you aren’t getting what you want, it will get ugly fast.

      Stay strong, and be kind. Try to exceed her every expectation, at least every once in a while. 8)

  33. Suz says:

    Hello! This is such a wonderful article and idea in itself! My situation is this: I have a very – to some notorious – to me real and unexpected “relationship” issue that I have been dealing with for a year and few months. I am 26 and I am seeing a married man. I know it is wrong and I swear I never thought I would end up in this “mess”. And would actually enjoy this mess. I have previously had only one 8 year long relationship and marriage is very important for me. But it “happened”. We love each other, for real. Undeniably, he loves his wife too. I am not sure if that is possible, but people say it is. It all began innocent (as it always does). But I swear I never felt such an instant connection with anyone. He and this connection is so precious to me. I am sure you understand, that feeling you experience once in your life. We have been very sincere with each other since the beginning. No blind promises, keeping it real, that “naked truth”. Meaning, he cannot leave his wife. Not now. I dont want him to. Part of it is, when he met me, his marriage was 2 years long and happy. He never thought he would look at other women. His wife also moved here from across the ocean (we live in Europe but they are both from abroad). That is the second part of it. I know I am not just a distraction for him and he is just not “having fun”. We want happiness for each other. This honesty brought us so close together we became the closest person to each other. He put an effort to get to know me better, that when I am upset and not even sitting next to him he laughs “Common tell me what is going on, I can feel you”. Each day we see each other he wants to know me. I can really be myself around him. When i am sad or happy. He wants to know about my life and genuinely cares. I have cut it off many times, but each time we got back together. My problem is, as much as I dont want to be a pain for anyone, i dont want to lose him. I would love to be so strong to look into his eyes and say I want all your happiness (and i want mine too). I dont want to feel the pain when he talks to me about his wife. I genuinely want to be so strong to let go but not with pain, with happiness. I know I found my soulmate and I take him as a very precious person. I just know, I have to let go, to see if this was meant to me. Do you have an advice on how to grow so strong to be GENUINELY happy for him regardless of the situation? Thank you so much!

    • philosiblog says:

      It’s nice to see you recognize the situation you are in, and that you are unwilling to cause others pain because of it.

      The trick, in my experience, is to remember why you are doing these things. It is for their benefit, not yours. You are being unselfish and thinking of them and their needs before yourself and your needs. You’ll be fine as long as you can remember that.

      The question is how will you manage to do that? Trying to suppress an emotion rarely works. Switching an emotion, that is another matter entirely. Have you seen the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark? Do you remember the scene where he tries to swap a bag of sand for an idol? That’s what you are trying to do. Trade your desires for his. Your needs for his.

      It’s not much, but it’s the best I got. I wish you well in your endeavor, and hope you never have to choose between wrecking his family or walking away.

      • Mickey92 says:

        My boyfriend broke up with me because of distance. The problem is I’m only 2 hrs away. He never communicated well and recently stop coming to see me even though I’ve been home to see him . He says he doesn’t know what he wants but when he broke up with me he was crying just as much as I was..I don’t understand

      • philosiblog says:

        It sounds like he does not either. Life can be that way sometimes. A relationship takes two, and if he isn’t ready, then it’s no longer a relationship. Now you have to decide what to do.

        You can try to patch things up, hoping it was just a moment of frustration. But what if it wasn’t? Are you ready to walk away? If you aren’t, how far are you willing to go? How far will you go next time? The time after that? How many times will you fight, and how crazy and obsessed are you willing to become?

        Yes, that’s the far extreme reaction. But where on that spectrum are you? Closer to crazy or closer to letting him go? How do you expect that to change over time? Where do you fit on the scale of logic to emotion? Eventually, you will have to come up with a plan, and then do what you planned. Even if that’s walking away and not looking back.

        You will have to determine what your path will be. No one can do that for you, and no one else will have to live with the consequences. Take some time to consider both the logic and the emotion. Take some time to determine how you wish to proceed. But remember that you are stronger than you imagine. Use that strength wisely and for the betterment of your life. You deserve the best, from others as well as from yourself. Be strong, and be excellent.

  34. Heather says:

    I really love this article and that quote really speaks to me. I try to let it guide my thinking to help me let go when/if my love isn’t returned. I’ve recently had my heart broken and I would definitely appreciate some feedback to help give me some more clarity, as I have been thinking about this probably more than I should. First for some context, I’m 22 and although that is quite young I’m a very reflective person and I’ve been through many trying times that I’ve grown enormously from. This also isn’t my first heartbreak. My situation: I started off friends with this guy – he was a friend of a friend and we met in a casual group setting. At the time I met him I was a month or so past my last break up and I was in a really good place. I was enjoying my independence and the most important thing to me at the time was taking care of myself and enjoying my time with those I cared about (friends and family). I had very little interest in dating again for awhile so when I met this guy I had no intention of developing feelings for him. We ended up hanging out in group settings weekly playing soccer or hanging out playing board games and such at my apartment and it quickly became apparent to me that he had interest in me. He continued to show interest, asked to hang out one on one (because we both played music). He tried to kiss me about two months after we first met and at that point I still wasn’t ready to cross that line of being more than friends even though I knew I was starting to develop feelings for him. My logic was that we could delay and keep getting to know each other and see if it’s really something we both want because once we cross that line it will be very difficult to go back to being friends. When I didn’t kiss him he said he liked me and that wasn’t going to change but he’d have no problem continuing to be friends and waiting until I was ready. After that our friendship grew closer, we hung out more frequently, and he was always very supportive, attentive, interested in what I had to say, shared things about himself, always treated me with respect, I told him things about me that only my closest friends and family know and he seemed to accept me 100%. It felt like a very mutual and healthy friendship. About a month later I felt ready to cross that line because I felt like we really knew and understood each other and I always felt so accepted and happy when I was with him and I really liked the person that he was. We had a lot in common and I enjoyed how we could talk for hours and how time seemed to go by so fast when we were together. Our first kiss was amazing and the chemistry was so strong and so palpable. I had never experienced before what it felt like to feel so connected to someone ( to not just have the chemistry but to know and accept and admire the person I was kissing so much). I was still in no rush towards a relationship and put no pressure on things. I just wanted to enjoy this new phase we were in. We went on a date a few days later and spent more days together and all the time we spent with each other was incredible. I was extremely confident that he had very strong feelings for me as he had no reservations about showing it (for example: when he invited me to watch a football game at his house and he had his arm around me or on my hand the entire time in front of his closest friends). Less than two weeks after our first kiss though (also right after he started classes for his final year at University) he decided that he didn’t want a relationship because he was too busy and also that he felt emotionally guarded because he took his last breakup really hard and didn’t fully feel over it. I felt so blindsided by this all because it wasn’t like I had pursued him. I was the one pulling back the reigns and he was the one showing interest and making an effort to spend a lot of time with me and being patient with me not being ready for more than a friendship. I feel good about how I handled the situation because I didn’t get angry with him, I just listened to what he had to say and tried to understand where he was coming from. I respected him being honest with me and I tried to accept what he was saying as he said it rather than trying to change his mind or convince him he felt otherwise. He was surprised I didn’t get mad or start yelling at him and said that it shows how great I am. I told him how I felt about him and that I wanted to be with him and put all my feelings on the line without needing anything in return, I just didn’t want to regret him not knowing. He ultimately said he decided to stop having feelings for me because he just didn’t think it would work out and he’d rather end things now then later down the line when it would be a lot more painful for both of us. I may not have shown how upset and hurt I was by the situation but it broke my heart that he didn’t want to be with me or take the chance. He said he really liked me and wanted to stay friends and I said I didn’t think I could go back to friends when I have strong feelings for him now. It’s been a few weeks since that talk and we’ve made no contact. I’m trying to continue to accept the reality and I feel like maybe I’ve made sense out of it and that he was emotionally unavailable because he hadn’t healed from his past heartbreak and he wants to feel again the way he felt about her and since he didn’t feel that way for me he decided it wasn’t worth giving a shot. It however, is confusing to me why he seemed to like me so much and why he put in all that effort and why he kissed me and looked at me with such passion and intensity suggesting he really liked me, and why he liked and accepted who I am as a person and also felt very attracted to me and had chemistry with me and then decided it wasn’t worth a shot and that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I didn’t change and I was true to myself the entire time. It’s discouraging to feel like I handled the whole situation maturely and was true to myself and I still ended up with my heart broken. I know it’s probably best to move on and not be friends with him again but it’s hard to accept that because I really enjoyed having him as a friend. I’m just afraid I’ll get caught up wondering if his feelings for me will change and I don’t want to put myself through that.

    Any advice or insight would be great! Thanks :)

    • philosiblog says:

      Many times men pursue something which is of interest. Sometimes when they catch what they are after, they find it more than they expected. Perhaps he thought he was ready for a new relationship, and then freaked when things went so smoothly. He might have found out he just wasn’t ready, even though in his own mind, he was convinced that it was time to try again.

      No matter how well you behave, a relationship takes two. If the other person isn’t as mature and grounded as you are, you’re going to have a rough time. Sadly, that’s just how it works.

      At least you know yourself and can comport yourself with grace and character. Stay strong, and someone worthy of you will come. Don’t settle for less than the best in them, or in yourself.

Leave a Reply