If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. - Unknown

Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.

What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).

By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.

Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”

Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.

To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.

How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?

An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?

You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.

Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.

This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.

From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM

About KC King

I am a thinker, who is spending some time examining those short twitter quotes in greater detail on my blog.
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952 Responses to If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

  1. jesse says:

    I honestly dont know howi ended up here. I thought I would be able to move on but im still in love with her she left me last year all caused by my jealousy. She broke up with me after we finally got engaged. We were together for three years and have a daughter together, i begged and begged but it only made it worse so I stopped talkingher. I would always be there for my daughter and back last year, Arundel this time, she told me “im not gonna lie i miss you and im sorry how thin ended” i exchanged a couple of texts back and forth but I was too hurt to try and get her back. She always lied to people saying im a Terrible father, even though she was the one to leave I guess she was angry at the break up? Anyway she tried to talk to me a couple of times and I was kind ofcold towards her; because of what I heard and witnessed what she was saying. I moved an hour away from her and my daughter around October and it was me that tried connecting with her and no good. Then I started dating someone new around december and around februray my new gf had stayed at my place for 3 days and my ex texted me “I miss you. Then only blaming it on my daughter a couple of hours later (my daughter is 2) I texted her very angry to not tell me that she misses me.we have had a lot of drama during this break up its been a year and four months and I still love this girl. Yesterday was my daughters birthday party and my ex brought a new guy I was broken. She didn’t talk to me or look at me the entire night even wondering if I should bother anymore I just want my family back

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like your ex has some issues. Until they are settled, I would imagine the chances of getting your family back is rather slim. It sounds like she has an issue with taking responsibility from how she blames you for things, and for being a bad father.

      It also sounds like you still have a bit of an issue with jealousy, both then and even now. That might be something you take some time to work on by yourself, right?

      As for what to do, that’s something only you can decide. And remember, you can’t decide for her. She will do what she will do. You must now choose your path, and make what accommodations you can for your daughter.

      There is great strength within each of us. Remember that, and stay strong.

  2. thisismeiamhere says:

    I am truly moved by the energy and sincerity you put into this blog. It is incredible that you take the time to not only answer every comment for this one post from three years ago, but the answer shows you read each comments. The answers are been personal, reflective, and I believe helpful. I am truly amazed at what you do. I want to thank you for helping all of us.

    I would like to share my story and also get your thoughts. I’m sorry it is long, there’s a lot here.

    Six days ago she (29) asked for the divorce. It wasn’t the first time, but this time I (29) knew it was different. We’ve been together for 8 years as best friends and couple, married for two of those. Last year this time, she asked for it for the first time, and I was a very different person back then.

    Back then I was a very angry person. I was also selfish, depressed, and head strong. I have been both emotionally and verbally abusive without changes. I am feeling tremendous amount of guilt once I fully comprehend what I did. She had many of the same head strong, depression, and anger in her. She was also verbally and emotionally abusive. There were many blames to pass between us, but in reality we were both brought up too similar and too damaged to have a truly healthy relationship. We couldn’t communicate to each other what was wrong with us, and covered it up with everything else that was going so well between us.

    So I did what I only knew back then last year. I tried and tried to force, ask, plead, beg, reason, manipulate, and pull her back. Last year she was done also, and all my actions just made it worse. I ended up tormenting myself and us because of it. However, in the end, once I got some therapy, and realization of what I was doing, I stopped. Like a miracle she came back, agreeing to try again. That day in many ways for me was as good, if not better than when we got married. Thus, that should have been a warning for me. I was more afraid of losing her than being truthful to myself. I promised too much, much too much than what I could deliver. Nevertheless, I made huge strides improving myself. Because, I love her, I was committed to give her a better me. Many of my maladaptive behaviors where improved, diminished, or gone with therapy and hard self work.

    I am a very different person today than last year. We were both shocked at my improvements. Still. In the end, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough because I didn’t fix everything about myself, some of the selfish ways didn’t go away, she couldn’t articulate them for me to fix. She was able to see some of the changes in me, happy that I’m no longer an angry and depressed person, and try to be happy with what’s been done. However, there were still unspoken things that were left unfixed in both of us. She was still insecure with herself. She was still angry, and unable to understand what she wants as a person. They festered in her, while allowed me to become complacent. In the end, she couldn’t take it any more. She couldn’t see the possibility of change to those issues that we didn’t get around to talk about. She became hopeless, within herself. Every time we fought, even though we fought in a healthier way, was a trigger for her. She was reliving the past in each fight. It boiled over in her, and here we are today.

    I truly love her. I understand where she’s coming from. I understand why she’s asking for a divorce. She want to break clean so she can start fresh. To figure things out for her self, by her self, or with someone else, just not with me, not with us. She just can’t see a future us anymore.

    I am hurt by that. I hurt because of our destroyed future. I hurt because of my destroyed ego. I hurt because I didn’t fix everything. I hurt because even though we fit together so so so well in very other aspect of our lives, we couldn’t communicate effectively in our emotional wellbeing. I blame my self. If only I was stronger. If only I could change faster. If only I spend the time to find those unspoken issues.

    I still think we could work together. I still think we could improve together as a unit. She doesn’t think so anymore. She just want it to end. We both still care for one another very much. So, we’re going through a very simple, amicable divorce. I am not standing in her way this time. I want to so badly, but I’m not. I can’t. I don’t know if she’ll come back. I fear not. I am devastated.

    • philosiblog says:

      Thanks for noticing, that’s nice. I enjoy helping people, so I do what I can.

      It sounds like she has realized, more than needing to be with you, she needs to be with herself. It appears that through your changes, she realized some of what she needed to change. I don’t know what options you have, but perhaps you could ask her for a separation, a half-way divorce. Get her the space she needs to work on herself, but still preserve some of the relationship. My parents tried that step, and it helped, but ultimately the decided to divorce. Perhaps if she can get some distance and work on herself, she will agree to something less permanent than the divorce.

      However, that comes with rules for you. Whatever they are, the two of you will have to agree on, and then you abide by. Breaking them probably won’t help your case for reconciliation, right? If the two of you truly still care for each-other, this could be a way to have the best of both worlds. But it is not without problems, and you will need to continue to work on your other habits. Have you considered asking some of your friends what they think of some of your weaker points are, that you might get some other feedback?

      Ultimately, it is up to her. Be careful what you promise, so you don’t repeat that mistake, right? Nothing says “I haven’t changed” like doing the same thing over again.

      And stay strong. You’ve probably read me saying that to others, but I truly mean it. You are stronger than you know. Stick with it, and with a great deal of effort, you just might make it happen.

      • thisismeiamhere says:

        Thank you for your kind and thought provoking words. I am mulling over them.

        The hardest part for me right now is how fast everything is going. Just last week we were happy, or at least from mine perspective. Just one week ago she was saying “I love yous” and we were making plans on moving to a new apartment, celebrating our individual promotions, raises, setting new budgets, future vacation trips, and near future fun activities. Now, last night I was helping her move to her new place. This is five days after she brought up divorce. On top of that we even filled all the paper work for a none contested divorce, and split all of our assets and debts. This is so she could file it with the court as soon as she wants. That’s who she is. She has been indecisive in the past, and now she has some positive experience from being decisive in other aspect of her life: career, she’s just grabbing that and running with it. I’m trying to understand that, and live with it.

        The move by the end of the night left our current home a mess, which I back to alone, sad, and a little angry. Throughout the night, which we moved in one 7 hour none stop, I kept going over the biblical quote from your post. I am not a religious person, but it kept me grounded. I am not too envious to help her, I am not too prideful to help, I am patient to give her what she wants, and I am doing my best not internalize this into anger. In the end, I do still love her. I am kind so I can do this for her. I have to be true to that fact, even if she doesn’t see it the same as me.

        I asked once, and she has made it clear that she intends for a divorce. She is unwilling to slow down a little. She doesn’t want a separation, because it will still feel like there might be a us. She doesn’t want to live with “us” looming in her mind, possibility affecting her own decisions or thoughts. She wants that independence. She want to be cleared of all our past, and mark her new future.

        That was incredibly painful to hear. It is a complete rejection of us, and what we built so far and planned out.

        I know what I have to do. I have to accept this as reality. Keep wishing and hoping she’ll snap back, like how she snap to her current state, is pointless. Any attempt to convince her or persuade her would back fire. I understand all this….. In practice this is near impossible for me. It’s like holding back this screaming voice in my head telling me “no, no, no, this can’t be, this shouldn’t be, you got to do something, get in there,” etc. So far I’ve been successful in not externalize those thoughts. Not acting on them in front of her. That is the controlling aspect of myself that needs to be corrected.

        I just don’t know how much more will power is left in me to keep this up, you know?

      • philosiblog says:

        I agree with you, it sounds like she has made up her mind and that any further action from you would not be helpful.

        Wisdom is what it is. Whether it is from a religion or from a knave (as I think of Machiavelli – a wise knave), it still has merit. To ignore it is to place oneself at a disadvantage.

        As for your future, for your sanity, I would recommend staying away from her as much as possible. Can you move as well? Can you step out of the old habits which will only remind you of what used to be? Constant reminders may be like a person constantly poking an injury – very difficult to heal.

        Then there is the issue of what to do with your time. You used to spend time with her. If you sit in the old place where you used to sit, and think of her, how will you ever heal? What can you do with your time? Can you do things with your friends? Can you find a new hobby or skill to learn? Perhaps learning a language or a game would help occupy your time? What can you do to improve yourself, work on your flaws, and amuse yourself?

        There is always a chance that she will once again change her mind. There is no way of telling the future. You have to choose your path. I would recommend planning to move forward with your life without her, and consider making room for the possibility, however remote, that she might come back. But I wouldn’t build your future around the idea that she will, because she might not.

        Stay strong, you are far stronger than you know. As iron is strengthened by heating and striking, and so in this manner will you also be improved. It’s not fun, but that’s how life works.

  3. amir says:

    hello I’ve known my guy for about 1 year now and we were dating for about 6-7 months. At the beginning of the relationship everything was cool, no fighting, no drama, we did everything together. I inspired him to move to my side of the water and take on a great job. Once he was on this side, we got a studio apartment together where we lived very comfortably. as things progressed we fought often, at times about me being direct, communicating more effectively, talking more when things were on my mind instead of keeping things bottled up inside of me then exploding one day. He is also a very spiritual and deep person which I haven’t really been exposed to. So anyways as time went on he mentioned at times that we don’t talk about deep things and how he wanted that, so I started doing research, reading etc to have more conversations which was cool.

    a little down the line we fought more, mainly because of me getting defensive, eventually he got emotionally and spirtitually exhausted and we ended things. it was his decision that last time whereas before I broken up with him about twice for about a day and we got back together.

    He also complained that I wanted sex too much or that’s all i’m about which isn’t entirely true. I find that one of my love languages is physical touch, especially when the relationship consists of two beautiful people of course I wanted that but now I realize a lot of what I’ve done and ways to improve. I learned those things alittle too late because now hes moved about 5hours away and now we can work on a long distance friendship.

    He makes remarks like “he needs time to find himself and improve himself’ and he cant see himself dating anyone for maybe a year etc. and me being the one who ruined the relationship I feel impatient and strongly wanting to get back together. I miss him very much and would even marry him one day if it got to that. He is a great man and I can see me spending the rest of my life with someone like him.

    So now I feel bad at times and hoping that we are meant to be together, but I know that isn’t good to dwell like that and possibly be disappointed in the end.

    He tells me, “you’ve learned your lesson”, “don’t keep blaming yourself and bringing your self down”, “I forgive you” etc.

    I am sorry that this is not well written, as I am at work.

    ps. I am getting a job transfer next month to dc which i’ll be an hour from him. Not doing this for him, but for me, I am also hoping to maybe try again one day :/

    • philosiblog says:

      Life is full of opportunities, and this move will give you a chance to start fresh. It can be interesting how much a particular location can be associated with memories, both helpful and painful. This is also a chance to reinvent yourself. The new location means a new you. Who do you want to be? Nearly all of your old associations will be broken with the move. Who do you want to be?

      You will also have some free time. What will you do with that? What are some of the things you have had issues with in the past? On what things do you still need to work? He is, in theory, working on himself. It would be a good use of your time to work on you, right? You have about a year (per his remarks), what will you do with that time?

      Something to consider is his spirituality. You mentioned that you hadn’t expected that, and that he wanted to have deeper discussions along those lines. Perhaps you could spend some time learning more about these things. Have you considered that part of his love language, or how he feels connection, is related to such discussions? Besides such a conversation might be an excellent way to begin a dialog without immediately going into a discussion of your relationship, right?

      Another thing to consider, his language about sex. If he called it that, you weren’t connecting with him at a level he needed. It may have been exactly what you needed, but it wasn’t getting him all of what he needed. Consider what you can do to make him feel loved and appreciated, and not just existing to be an instrument of your pleasure. At least that’s what it sounded like to me, based on what you wrote.

      It sounds like you have a pretty good grip on things. Stay strong and stay focused. Work on what you can to become a better person, but not for him, for you. You deserve nothing less than the best, and that includes from yourself.

  4. Alex says:

    I’ve done everything. Ever since my ex and I broke up I’ve missed him terribly. In those 2 months I’ve done everything to forget and better myself for me. I go to the gym 5 times a week, prepare for upcoming events, university, etc. I still think about him. I keep myself busy, I went back to writing poetry and reading more books, and being with friends, but somehow I still think and miss him. I’m in better shape, I’ve better myself or at least I’m trying to. So I can be the best person I can be on my own and be happy. We left off nicely and mutually decided not to talk for a bit. I don’t what to do. My birthday is next week and i secretly want him to wish we a happy birthday. But I know he won’t or at least the chances are very slim. I just understand that I’ve tried and I’m still trying to let it go. I’ve made new friends and enjoyed my time so far, but I still miss him. The concept of timings being meant to be makes me confused. I’m not gonna wait for him I need to live life. Which I’ve been doing. I’m just nervous that maybe one person is waiting for the other to call or initiate conversation. Help me understand? And explain the if you set it free concept to me? I’m just someone who wants to understand. To learn.

    • philosiblog says:

      Communication is a tricky business. It is up to you to determine when you will contact him. How important is it to you, and what are you willing to risk in the process?

      As for thinking of him, try to understand that you will, for the rest of your life. He has left a mark on you, and it will never go away. It may fade, but it will always be there. You never stop loving someone, you just move on and love someone new. I’ve been married over 20 years, and still, from time to time, remember others from my past. You will miss him. You will think of him. Things will remind you of him. Smile, and then move on.

      To me, the concept of ‘set them free’ is a way to release myself from the idea of control. I don’t control them, I don’t have any hold over them. If they want to come back, then you made the right choice to let them go. If they don’t come back, they would have left eventually, so you made the right choice to let them go. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or fun, but it is necessary. Fighting for months or years to keep it together, only to lose it later, that’s real pain.

      • Alex says:

        Thank you, I really appreciate what you told me. I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will never forget him, and that he will always be a fond memory. I just have one question. Do you think contacting him in the future is a mistake? And what is the risk in contacting him in the future? It is important to me because he was a man that was there for me, and still loved and cared for me with all of my faults to see, and still embraced me. I don’t want to lose that. But I want to thank him for that. For everything .

      • philosiblog says:

        Not knowing the details of the ‘let’s be alone for a while’ agreement, I can’t really say. Do you think it’s been long enough? Part of what you will have to weigh is what you want in re-establishing communication. Do you want a relationship, or just a friendship? Can you speak clearly enough to avoid miscommunication?

        Also consider the down side. Is it worse to wonder, or is it worse to know that the worst is true? What if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you? Again, only you know what the proper answer is for you will be. Take a little time and think it through. Then promise yourself to act on your decision, even if that action is to do nothing.

        Stay strong. Who knows what will happen ten or twenty years from now. I’m still finding old High School friends, as well as others from my past when I search Social Media and the net. You may bump into him again.

      • Alex says:

        My ex wanted me in his life still and wanted to be friends and did not want to lose me completely. I told him I can not be friends yet and that we should have time to let go.we broke up 2 and a half months ago and haven’t spoken in 6 or 7 weeks. Well the last thing I said to him was I can’t be friends which isn’t really talking as friends but it was the last of our communication. And since that time I still think of him constantly, even with the personal achievements and goals. I do want him in my life and I know he wants me in his life he made that clear, but I just don’t know of contacting in a month or 2 is a good idea. I’m scared of rejection but also of regret. A friendship means more to me now more than anything. lol us my birthday is coming up, I don’t want to hope he contacts me and wishes me well, because I don’t want to be let down. I really don’t think he will, but I don’t want to be that cynical . I’m pretty optimistic, but how do you know if contacting is a good idea?

      • philosiblog says:

        Please take a moment and consider what would happen if your hopes for your birthday are not realized. Which would you regret more, not talking to him, or talking to him and getting a definite ‘no’? What if he doesn’t show because he is worried about stopping by too soon after the breakup? After all, if I read your comment correctly, you told him he couldn’t be your friend.

        Have you considered simply making contact and saying ‘Hi’ to him? You can try to get some feeling for where he is, and what he wants to do. If things seem a bit cool, that probably tells you all you need to know about your birthday. If things seem warm and pleasant, you could consider mentioning that you’d like to see him at your birthday party.

        The pain of regret is a very real thing, and certain to happen if you fail to act. If you act, you might get an unpleasant result, but you might not. The choice is yours, as are the consequences. Weigh them, and then do what you believe is appropriate.

  5. Lily says:

    Oh dear, thank you so much for your wonderful post.
    I have been in love with this man for a year. He was married when we met – in an unhappy miserable marriage. I am 36 and he is 38. We both fell passionately in love. He decided to finally leave his marriage. But he needed the time and the space to do that. So for 8 I barely had contact with him, letting him go through counseling with his wife, doing everything he could, letting her fight her battle. I just sat on the side and waited, knowing in my heart that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the love of my life and my soulmate. And though everybody told me not to wait for him – I stubbornly did, without interfering with his process, with barely any contact with him. Because I believe, that we are meant to be, and so I only need patience.

    Waiting for an excruciating torture. I never knew if he will manage to break free. I knew his wife had a very strong on him. Not interfering, and not contacting him was extremely painful. But I did it. I did it. In spite everything.

    And so he left his marriage 3 weeks ago. He left and he is now free. But he is so broken and so change. He says that he died in the process. He died and he does not want to be in any relationship anymore. That he has nothing left in him. He is broken and wounded. He wants to be alone. He decided to change his job, sell his house and move out to a different place. And he does not even want to see me. At all. I haven’t seen him in months. We only briefly exchanged emails, in which he always wrote me how he loves me, and how only my love was the thing that kept him going through hell with his wife. How my love saved him. How I am the most important person for him in his life. How I am his soulmate and the woman he wants.

    And now… now when its all over. When he says he is free, is so so broken that he doesn’t even want to see me. He wrote me a goodbye email. Email! Not even a face to face contact. Nothing. He says that this is the choice he made and he is going to start a new life somewhere else and that he has no place left in his heart for anything. And he asked me – if you love me, please let me go.

    And so I let him go. It broke my heart by I let him go. I let him go and I bleed and bleed and bleed and my life has no meaning. How can this be? I believed in our love. I believed in the truth of it and I didn’t bother him and gave him space and time to go through his fight. I let him be. And now I let him go.

    Why? How is this fair? Why? I keep asking myself why? Wouldn’t it have been better if I fought for him? If I would keeping meeting him, emailing him, be in his life, not just let him go like this? But he asked for this and I let him.

    I feel stupid and hurt and broken

    • philosiblog says:

      Let us start with this simple fact: “Life is not fair.” It is sad, but it is true.

      Think back to some of the breakups you have had in the past. How quickly did you want to get into another relationship? He is badly hurt and will need time to heal and to get used to the new him. A clean break from everything is a reasonable first step. He may still have feelings for you, but right now, his whole world is upside-down. He needs time and space to heal.

      It is up to you to decide if you still want to wait, it may take him many more months to get everything put back together in his life. And he most definitely has changed. How much and in what manner remains to be seen.

      As for fighting for him, I have never seen a situation where having ‘the other woman’ involved in a divorce has ever worked out ‘better’, no matter how you define that word.

      Please do not feel stupid. You considered only the best possible outcome, and it didn’t happen. Learn to prepare for many different outcomes, and it will not have been for nothing, right? As for hurt and broken, that is often the nature of love. Understand that you will always have feelings for him. You never stop loving someone, but you can close that chapter and move on to the next phase of our life.

      What you do is up to you. He probably has no idea how long you would have to wait before he could give you an answer. You will have to decide what is best for you. What will you do with your time as you either continue to wait, or begin to transition to your next chapter?

  6. lio says:

    well i love a girl madly.we are in relationship for 2 years.during very early stages of our relationship she showed too uch care for me,she used to call alot,text me ,meet me.I liked her but i wasnt mad for her.In exams times i didnt use to talk to her much,she used to cry sometimes as i had to study.

    she used to wait for my calls,but i could not call her as i had to focus on my exams.
    I also conveyed her regarding the same.After my Exams were over i gave her all my time, i wanted to meet her daily,talk to her ,texted her.I was all hers.

    she was happy and me as well until when i found that she is slowly ignoring my calls.when i used to call late at night she said she feels sleepy.
    Earlier she used to pick my call even if she was in deep sleep and say she is always available for me.

    she was changing.she said she loves me but not too much .i did not know what that means.I wanted to meet her but she was not showing any interests in meeting me.I wanted to know what is wrong between us.she always said that she loved me but it was not looking like that .when eventually she said me that wants break up as she wants to date another guy.I felt horribly bad . I cri ed for her not to do that.I beg before her but she was heartless.she said she needed a months time to figure it out .i was a total lost.So i decided to breakup with her and told her to never contact me.Next day she called me .she wanted to meet me which i generously refused . she again changed her stand and said she loves me and can never think of getting away from me.she said she will not meet that guy ,as nothing is more more important than you(me). she again started loving me .

    though it happened once again when she said she wants some space for herself.she is not that too much in love .she loves me but not hard core.
    The problem is I LOVE HER MADLY,i cant think of my life without her,probably because she loved me so much.

    She also talks to many boys and make friends easily on internet.she even flirts with few and shares phone number.

    I am in deep love with her no matter what she do .I wanna marry her.I even think of ending my life sometimes if i dont get her

    please help me

    • philosiblog says:

      Let me start with this caution. No one is worth more than your life. You are strong enough to live a long and prosperous life without her. Please do not ever again consider ending your life. You have too much to give to this world to throw it away for such a foolish thought.

      That said, it sounds like each of you have issues to consider. You seem to have a little difficulty with jealousy. What can you do to improve yourself in this area, or in any other area in which you believe you could improve?

      Yes, she also has an issue with showing respect to you, but you cannot force her to change. That is the whole point of the quote. You will have to lead her, inspire her, to do better. If she is willing to change, great. If not, you will be fighting that battle until one or the other of you break it off for good. That is simply a waste of time, effort, and emotion, right?

      You will never stop loving her. No one ever does. You simply close that chapter in your life and move on to your next love. It might not be easy, and will likely hurt quite a bit, but it may be necessary.

      But start with what you can change, you. Improve yourself. Learn something new, work on fixing a bad habit, become more consistent with an existing good habit. There is something you can do to improve yourself, and you deserve nothing but the best, especially from yourself. If she wishes to join you, great. If not, you will survive. And you will grow stronger for it.

  7. Revanoff2 says:

    I found this article by way of doing some searching on the topic at hand. I found the article very helpful. My situation applies like this:

    About a year ago, I met a woman who was working at a restaurant. We clicked immediately. Heavy flirtation, batting eyelashes, and a touch of twitterpation whenever we saw eachother. I started going to that restaurant a number if times a week just to see her.

    Unfortunately, I lost contact with her after a couple months as she had changed jobs. I wound up at a different restaurant some time later, and she was working there. So we got to see each other for a brief period over my dinner, and it seemed that the feelings continued. As she’d walk by my table (I was with friends), she’d wink, or lightly brush against me as she passed.

    It was a wonderful feeling.

    I didn’t frequent that restaurant much, so we lost contact again for quite some time.

    Earlier this year, I moved to a different part of town. I drive a very easily recognizable car, which she saw and left her business card attached to one day. I contacted her, we quickly met up and got caught up with what all was going on in our lives. It became evident that there were feelings much deeper than friendship a couple of weeks in.

    I found out during this time that she is married and has two children. I am unsure of all the details concerning where she is at with her relationship with him, what I can say is that it seems to be a marriage which has devolved into “Room-Mate” status, wherein there is no appreciation from him, no passion left, and generally no interest.

    We continued to “date” over the next 2 months which led up to two days ago. We’d had conversations about “hypothetical” circumstances which could take place; conversations that were what most people would consider to be very serious.

    The restrictions placed on our ability to see each other were really getting to both of us. For the record, I always said that I would not be the outside guy; the guy who’s seeing the taken gal; the guy “playing games”. I found myself so enveloped within her that I’d become exactly what I said I wouldn’t be. This realization was very overwhelming for me morally; as I’m sure you can imagine.

    I refuse to be a home-wrecker. So 2 days ago I went to see her as per usual, and decided to really speak my mind.

    I told her that I’d made up my mind on what I want. This included saying that I wanted her, her kids, the whole situation. This led to my next point, which was that I couldn’t be around her anymore while she is obligated to her marriage. Both her and I were on the brink of tears while having this conversation. She understood exactly where I was coming from, and why it had to be this way.

    I made it clear (and she understood) that if her situation were to change, that she should look me up. We still have open lines of communication (via social media, cell phones, and the fact she lives 2 blocks from me), so contacting me in the event she becomes available and is still interested in me, there’s nothing holding her back. Given that, I refuse to utilize any of the media available to contact her. I told her I needed to go, and that has to be it.

    This was the hardest time I ever had “breaking up” with someone, even though I wasn’t technically with her; if that makes any sense. I love her. We sat on my couch recently and just stared into each other’s eyes. Time felt as if it stopped. I’ve never been there with anyone else in my life. She hasn’t actually said it due to the aforementioned “restrictions”, but has very obviously eluded to the fact that she loves me too.

    It’s been a very rough couple days since this has occurred. My heart feels broken, I can’t sleep, I don’t have any appetite. I force myself to eat and try sleeping because I don’t want to wreck myself over this situation.

    I want to fight for her. So badly I do, but I can’t do anything. I am hoping that she will come to me if she ends her current situation. I want nothing more than to hold her every night, and make sure that she is cared for and feels loved and appreciated. She deserves at least that much. I have a lot of respect for her, which I think is part of the reason I had to let her go.

    I want her in my life; but we can’t be friends. It’s all or nothing, and we both agreed on that. Our connection is very deep, our touch is magnetic, and we usually know what the other is going to say before we say it. I just wish that there was a way that I could know for sure if she’s going to leave her marriage (even not if to be with me, she deserves better than what she has). I want her to be happy, loved and appreciated. I can do all of those things with fervor, passion, and intellect. You might say I’ve “got it in spades”.

    What are your thoughts?

    Thank you,

    • philosiblog says:

      Sorry to be so long in getting back to you.

      You are in a very tough situation, but you followed your values and morals. Not everyone can do that. The all-or-nothing approach is a tough one, but it completely avoids temptation. As for her situation, I’ve seen relationships go through phases like that, so there is a chance that she will find happiness in her present relationship. But if not, expect her to change during the process of a divorce. That’s a rough time, and she might need some time to gather herself together afterwards. And she will be a slightly different person, just be prepared for that change. It might be small, but it might be huge. There is no way to tell in advance.

      You have talked about your desires, but there are also responsibilities. If she comes to you, it’s an instant family, right? That’s quite a change from a solitary lifestyle. Suddenly there are people in your life which need significant amounts of your time, and it has to be on their schedule, not yours. I’ve known people who did well with the transition, but none called it easy.

      Through all this, remember that you are strong. You have already shown strength which few I know would have been able to match. Remember her fondly while you go on with your life. With time, the feeling may change, and friendship may be possible. And you never know what the future will hold for you, or for her.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        It would be an instant family. I agree, it would be a major shift in my life and the way I conduct myself would have to endure a very dynamic shift. At this point (after giving very serious thought to it), I feel that if the situation were to come along whereby I found myself suddenly with a family, I could adapt fairly quickly.

        Where they would be is another situation altogether. I have put thought into how they may react to a “game-changer” such as that, and fortunately, the children are young enough that the impact would be smaller than when my parents split. They are still very young. It’s still a gamble no matter how it’s interpreted.

        Given that it’s been almost a week since our “break-up”, with zero contact; I have a feeling she’s planning to stick with him at least until the situation she’s in improves. I don’t want to reveal much; however, because of actions he took which ended his legal ability to drive, he needs her around to get to work. Subsequently, she has stated she feels obliged to stay with him until that is finished, and he can get back on his feet.

        No one knows what the future holds, and honestly; I hope that she finds actual happiness. My feelings and desires aside, I think that’s what she really needs. I do wish her the best.

        I also wish I could tell her that without an impact on the stand that I took.

      • philosiblog says:

        Yes, with kids, you never know. If the situation arises, there are professionals who can help the child cope with the change. There are mechanisms which can help the child cope, but it depends very much on the child, and which part of the change is causing them trouble.

        She sounds like a decent person. If so, there will likely be a transition period for her as she exits the present relationship. After that, she will go through a grieving process, and probably spend some time turned inward, healing herself and helping the kids. After that, who knows.

        Wishing her happiness, even at your expense, is the truest form of love with which I am familiar. It takes a great deal of mental and emotional maturity and reflection to come to that point. Someday, you will be able to mention it to her, just not now. In a year or two, when her decision appears to be a bit more clear, you might find an opportunity.

        In the mean time, what will you do with your time? To what end will you use it? I can’t imagine you sitting by the phone and waiting for it to ring. I imagine you’ll stay busy and work on improving your life. And remember to stay strong.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        I am replying here as the “reply” button has gone missing from the message below that you left on July 13th.

        I don’t stop. I don’t take vacations, I keep myself busy. Always have been that way, As such, that’s what I will continue doing until I have a reason to stop. I am working very hard on myself to improve things that I don’t like this year, and I will continue doing that as well.

        I have some financial restrictions from mistakes I made in a past relationship to get straightened out, which is in progress. I’m currently quitting smoking, and also drinking less. When I’ve got those things handled, I’ll take on the next batch of things I want to improve on for myself.

        I still find myself having a hard time with her on my mind. It’s not as prevalent as it used to be; however, any amount tends to spiral down and I have to control where my mind goes after that. My belief is that there will almost always be a part of me which will struggle with that until such a time as either she joins me, or I find someone else who will do for me what she does.

        There’s still some rough time ahead as I’m dealing with this. Hopefully it will come to a conclusion soon.

        Thank you

      • philosiblog says:

        You are most welcome. I’m glad you are keeping busy, but beware of being overly busy. Burying yourself doesn’t make the problem go away, you just can’t see the symptoms for a while. Glad to hear you’re improving yourself and appear to have a list of the things you wish to improve.

        Understand that she will always be in your mind. When I find that happening, I smile, say ‘thanks for stopping by’ and envision them waving and walking away. I then go back to what I was doing. I have noticed that they visit less often, and eventually become just a fond memory of my past days.

        Stay strong.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        I wanted to leave you an update.

        For the record, 2014 has been the single most stressful year I’ve ever had. I’ve lost both Grandfathers, then just this morning a good friend passed, and another friend was put in jail a little while ago on false charges.

        I made a post on Facebook giving a basic rundown of where I’m at in my own head with life this year. It has been very tough. I went overboard on being busy (and you warned against that), and it most certainly came back to bite me. She read the post and sent me a message to let me know that she was still there, that she missed me and wanted to talk to me.

        In my moment of weakness, I responded back. We had a brief conversation which ended with her telling me that she loves me; that she hates to see me hurting the way I am, and that she knows she is part of my stress this year. Even went so far as to say that she wished she could either erase herself from my mind, or just be with me.

        I decided to have her come over so we could talk. She told me that 3 weeks ago, she told her husband to “step it up”, or she wanted a divorce. Supposedly, he’s “stepped it up” somewhat, but not where he needs to be.

        She is still unsure of the outcome of her present situation. Then, here comes the bomb dropping; she tells me that she “has something” that I need to take under consideration, as if we were to get together, I would most likely wind up with it as well. She did not specify what exactly it was, and I won’t know until she tells me.

        This creates another complexity to the situation.

        It hasn’t changed my feelings about her in the slightest.

        I said I’d take her as she is. When I said everything, I meant everything. Granted, this was before learning that there was “something” I was unaware of. I’m not offended or upset that she never mentioned it before, as the likelihood of us getting together then seems less than it is now, given that she’s thrown the gauntlet with her husband.

        This has become a larger decision than I originally anticipated. In pretty much all aspects of my life currently, I’m flying by the seat of my pants. This situation is no different.

        It’s hard to decide where to go when your vision is blurred.

      • philosiblog says:

        Sorry to be so slow in responding. Life has been interesting here as well.

        My recommendation is to determine what your limits and rules are. What offers will you take, and what rules must you enforce? With emotions running high and vision blurred, anything can happen. If you’re OK with that, and the possible repercussions, then all is well. If you have some concerns, try to figure out what they are, and from them, determine your boundaries.

        Try to understand what secret she is bringing. You will probably have to wait until she is there, as she has been able to keep it this long, right?

        Stay strong, and remain as calm as you possibly can.

      • Revanoff2 says:

        Hi Phil,

        She came over again last night. We had a good time playing cards and listening to music etc. Eventually (as it usually does) the conversation got to the topic of us. She has expressed numerous times how she wishes that she could just be with me, and that continues.

        We got to the topic specifically of what she was “bringing” with her, and I said to her “If you are serious about us, and I think you are, I need to know.”

        She attempted to explain why she hadn’t made mention of it before, and it’s because she thinks I feel that she is “perfect” and she didn’t want to ruin that image of herself in my mind and potentially change my opinion/feelings for her. I reminded her that perfection is subjective, and that if she is seriously considering being with me, that I deserve to know; and if we were to get that out of the way, it would be a load off her mind.

        So she told me. I will honestly say, it made no difference to me. It was obvious that she wasn’t proud of it (can’t imagine who would be), so I comforted her, and told her honestly that it made no difference to me. She seemed much more relaxed after having said it.

        So I take from this that she is being serious. Overall, still flying by the seat of my pants, but I feel there is a direction now at least, and the journey likely won’t be easy for anyone involved. All I know is, if/when the time comes, I’ll be there and make it as smooth as possible.

        I think I can say that (even while all this is up in the air yet), the whole point behind your post here, may honestly be true for my situation at least. I’m hoping it materializes the way we wish it would, and only time will tell.

        Thanks for your kind and supportive words Phil, I wish more people were as supportive as you have been to all the posters of your blog sir.

        Robert

      • philosiblog says:

        Thanks for the kind words. As you have noted, each of us must be true to ourselves. Sadly, not everyone is as supportive as I am. The good news is that there are many who are even more supportive than am I.

        For me, communication is the heart of any relationship, and as long as you can continue to communicate, you can have a worthy relationship. Whether that relationship becomes what you hope, that is outside our hands, right?

        Stay strong.

  8. Bella says:

    My boyfriend left me three weeks ago. We were together for 10 years but lots of battles. I was mentally abused in a pass relationship so my connection with love was not super. He once told me to get more professional help. I did, I had to relive my pass by hipnos and redo the ends in positive so I would not get panic attacks. It worked, I am still working hard to get better. But, now that I am better and working on my anxiety and that my flashbacks are more positive then negative, he sais that in those 10 years, he just detached and stopped loving me. I don’t blame, I was such a mess. I asked myself so many time it I really do love him and I love him for who he is in so many good ways. I want to show him who I am today, but his love is gone, they say that it could come back. Can it?

    • philosiblog says:

      As for whether it can come back or not depends on him. One thing to consider is that if he is burned out on the relationship, he will need some time and distance to relax and re-evaluate his feelings. How long a time that might be? I have no way of knowing.

      While you wait, I would recommend continuing to work on yourself. Even if you don’t ever get back together, you deserve nothing less than the best, and that includes from yourself. Become better, improve, overcome. Never stop growing.

  9. Jenny P. says:

    Hi, I wonder if you could share your thoughts on this…

    This guy and i had kind of a long distance relationship… it wasnt anything official though, but we made it work in a sense that we’ve been talking every single day despite the time difference –– it wasnt a big issue, because the time diff worked out from where we were. We skyped a lot, we were really comfortable with each other, both of feel like we can talk about anything and everything under the sun and it was great. we did this for almost 3 yrs… it wasnt until a few months ago when a girl he worked with confessed to him, and that’s when everything went downhill… He suddenly wanted assurance from me, something that i couldnt give him at the moment… I guess he just suddenly had this option of having someone close to him, without all this long distance thing… We fought about it, and i was really hurt, because i never would have expected him to hurt me like that. After that I just couldnt be myself around him, he tried apologizing and since nothing really happened with him and this girl anyway i forgave him, it’s just that, after that i felt all his efforts with me are half-assed. So i became even more reserved, my walls have come way up… and i was cold with him.. and him being so passive in facing problems didnt really help, because I’m the type who faces the problem and wants to see an effort in resolving things. he just isnt wired that way.

    A month passed and I was actually in the same country as he is at that time so we met up… it was so awkward… because i think both of us didnt know how to act, i didnt know what i wanted either. Our meet up was just a big ball of awkward it was a disaster… a few days later I went away again and I decided that I want to try and be okay with him so whenever he’d msg me (he still does every once in a while) I’m not cold anymore, even started to joke around although our conversations are still short, i wanted to slowly get back to where we were.. and he has been responsive. but recently i found out that he has been hanging out with that girl… so i got fed up and just… made some form of closure for both of us… because i think both of us are hanging on to the good times we’ve had… not really wanting to END things because it’s so final. I told him all that and he said it’s because after that awkward meet up he felt like i didnt want to have anything to do with him anymore and that he came to terms with it (which is i guess why he has started hanging out with that other girl again), he said he thought i was just being friendly when we would msg each other recently, because he said he didnt want to let go because he atleast wanted some form of friendship between us. So after that i just said, despite everything that’s happened i still wanted to be his friend too.. he’s one of the few people i can be 110% myself with, and we were friends before we started this whole thing anyway, so… i dont know… does this work? honestly i dont really know what i want… i cant seem to give him that assurance that he wants… all i know is (and he knows it too) that we have great connection and chemistry and we’re both weird but that’s okay. weird is good. that’s what we always say.

    Thanks, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

    • philosiblog says:

      Not every relationship turns into forever-love. You may have found your best friend ever, and are trying to complicate things. At least that is the impression I have from reading what you wrote.

      Until you are clear about what you really want, how will you know what steps to take? I believe your first step is to figure out what you really want, and what you are willing to do to get it. If you aren’t willing to move to be with him, perhaps romantic love is out of the picture. Can you handle him being romantic with someone else while still being a friend with you? There are many possibilities, but you will have to figure out where you draw the line between what you can accept and what you cannot.

      Once you have that figured out, the rest will fall into place fairly easily. If it doesn’t, consider what is giving you difficulties. Odds are you let your head draw the line, and not your heart. Try to reconcile these differences, and then move forward.

  10. anonymous28 says:

    First of all sorry for my English, hope you understand me..

    My story is as follows ..

    I’m 28 years old, she is 36 years old with 4 year-old daughter, single.

    It all started in January and continued until the end of April, when she stopped answering her phone suddenly. We understand perfectly, her daughter adores me, her mother too, even her best friends. From June to September she will work at 300 miles from our city. I told her that I was going to visit her two weekends a month, but she did not believe me. In May i didn’t call her once, she did the same.

    In mid-June I got the car and went to the city where she works in summer. She was shocked .. in a good way. She said she did not believed the things I talked about us. Now she saw that I am serious in my intentions about her. We agreed that the time will tell how things will develop from here between us.

    Two weeks after this great weekend in a conversation on the phone she told me that she has no feelings about me and that she is in love with another man. She want to be just friends. I told her that I love her and will not give up easily on her. Many times she told me that i have to stop the things between us because she can’t. Her eyes and body are telling me that she has feelings for me, everyone sees that, but she tell’s me the opposite. She said to give us a time to think about us. In the end of July i have a birthday. It will be a month after that conversation, and i think she’ll probably call me. I don’t want to lose her but we can’t be just friends because i have feelings for her. I know the responsibility to be with a woman with child and i am ready for it.
    Her friend told me a week ago that there is no such thing, that she is single and working hard.

    What should i do? Should i wait for her call or wait till September when she come back and than talk? Really confused, really in love…

    • philosiblog says:

      Mixed signals (what she says, compared to what her eyes/body are saying) is always troublesome.

      There is no correct answer to your questions. My recommendation is to consider the possibilities, and then weigh the pros and cons.

      To start with, is there really someone else there, or is she just trying to get some space because things are moving faster than she is comfortable with? If you wait until she returns, what are the benefits and the risks associated with that delay? What if she doesn’t call on your birthday?

      If you break the situation into the different paths it could take, and then weigh each, I hope you will be able to at least eliminate the least useful paths, leaving you less to worry about. Careful consideration of what is left will, I hope, give you a better idea regarding what path is the correct one for you to pursue.

      As much as is possible, eliminate unknowns. Are you willing to ask her if there is really someone else, or if things are just going too fast for her to handle? It would eliminate an unknown, but you might not get the answer you hope for, right?

      Consider your options, and remember that there is great strength within each of us. Stay strong, no matter what comes of this, right?

      As for your English, it is far better than my grasp of any other language, so no worries. 8)

  11. anonymous28 says:

    I don’t know what to think anymore..

    She is a smart woman, a lawyer. Things she said:

    1. This is a test. Will i give up, or i’ll keep fighting for her.

    2. She is ready to tell me anything just to end things between us because she can’t.

    3. She just doesn’t want to be with me.

    On that last conversation two weeks ago she told me that she doesn’t want to take my future. That life is ahead of me, that i don’t need a woman with a child in my life to carry on. Many times before, when everything was alright she told me that in a year or two i will cheat on her with every younger woman.

    Whether she calls or not on my birthday, i’ll call her. I think that a month is enough time to make a decision. If she say the same things..i’ll leave her..What more can i do? I think that if i wait till Sept. everything will be lost.

    Funny thing is that same story happened to her mother. She was single with a child when younger man, zodiac sign Leo (like me) fell in love with her, and they got married…Life…

    No matter what comes of this i wish her all the best…she deserves it.

    I truly appreciate your help!

  12. cct says:

    I have this relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we will be turning 4 years this coming September. We have been friends and classmates since college. we were deeply inlove and very happy with each other. It is really nice to have those feelings that I have been spoiled by him and his family, he always takes care of me. Im proud to say that “trust” is always present in our relationship. I decided to go abroad to work. its hard to accept that I will be away from him for 2years. we promised each other that we will be together forever and we said that “if we are meant to be then it will be” no matter how far I am to him.. but it came to a point that we never communicate well, unlike before that we always communicate through internet. We have different time zone, his time is 5 hours advance. At first I didn’t understand him and I always annoyed by the distance that separates us, I kept nagging at him and blaming him for not taking too much effort to communicate with me. I was so selfish, I always think of myself because of this homesickness here in abroad and I didn’t realize that he needs time to sleep early. But after this usual fight we both apologize to each other because we know it is just normal in every long distance relationship. I also learned to live my life here in abroad without thinking of him all the time. I made friends with other people, having hangouts with new friends and even entertaining suitors. And eventually there’s a guy who courted me and I admired him for his being friendly and attractive. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know but what I feel right now is i’m very happy and I don’t feel homesick anymore when i’m with him. I can feel the guilt in me. I don’t know what will happen next.. I feel guilty but im happy as well being with my new special someone. I don’t feel like communicating with my boyfriend anymore, I don’t find him sweet and loving. Im confused. am I a cheater? Help me please. Thank you

    • philosiblog says:

      It sounds like you know what the issue is, both with your long-distance boyfriend and your local suitor. You will have to determine what you want, and what price you are willing to pay to have it.

      If you want the boyfriend, you have to say NO to the suitor. If you’re over the boyfriend, then let him know, and continue with the suitor.

      Yes, there are other options, but you sound like morals and ethics have some value to you, so those are the most honorable options which come to my mind. Either way, I believe you owe your boyfriend a call. I think he deserves to know how dissatisfied you are, and that he may be about to loose you. Also think about how things will be in 6 months or even 6 years. If you like your boyfriends family that much, is that a factor in your decision? There is much to think about, and much to talk about.

      Ultimately the decision is yours, as are the consequences. Take some time and do your best to choose wisely.

  13. Yan says:

    Hi, you have helped me a few months ago (much appreciated)- you might remember my story, sadly I haven’t made progress but my question has changed (I have self doubt now)…. I was trying to make an decision on whether to break up with my bf as per my parent/ keep the relationship underground/ talk to my parent and can have conflict :

    To summarize again: My Boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, I am 23 and he is 28. He had one relationship that lasted 7 years, he married that girl for 1 year and later he got divorced because she cheated on him. He said it was a mistake he made because he was young, and he had a low self esteem back then, she made him believe he is terrible and won’t find anyone else, she was emotionally abusive and she completely disrespected him. He learn’t from his mistakes, he no longer feels insecure and he changed for better now.

    He is my second boyfriend, and he has consistently been trustworthy, loyal, caring, kind, selfless, confident, improving, understanding, sensitive to my needs, self reflecting, rational. He believes I am his true love, and he sees qualities in me, that can sustain an long term relationship filled with happiness.

    I feel comfortable in his love, my love tank is always filled. We share hobbies and interests, I can see myself with him on a long term. However, there is a lot of social pressure that’s affecting me:

    1) My parents don’t approve, they feel he is a risk given his past. My parents strongly suggests breakup. I feel i can’t load unnecessary stress on them esp now that my mom has cancer. But staying with my boyfriend makes me feel guilty.

    2) I feel judged. Am I lowering my self-worth by wanting a divorced man? The world sees this “beautiful, intelligent,good back ground, young me” with an “nice, have a good job, but divorced, 120kg, slightly bold, hairy and has freckles, has epilepsy – although been stable for many years” —- they all think i am blinded by love.

    Should I listen to my parent’s advice – throw him away, and find better because I am young and there is lots of good guys out there still. I am soooo confused, he is REALLY a good man, and I do love him. But is that enough for me to fight for him, and not feel resentment in the future?

    • philosiblog says:

      At some point, you become a grown person, and make your own decisions. Your parents are acting on the knowledge they have, and the opinions they formed in their youth. They want what is best for you, but don’t have all the information. As an example, is there a way you can describe exactly how you feel, and get them to feel it as well?

      That said, as a grown adult making your own decisions, you will have to also live with the consequences. You will have to determine what matters most to you, knowing that your decision, no matter how you decide, will hurt someone (or several someones).

      I can’t make that decision for you, but you will, eventually, make that decision. And you will live with the consequences. Think about it, and what the decision will look like in five years if you are right, and what it would look like in five years if your parents are right. Then look at how things are in-between. What if you are half right, but they are as well. How does that work out? Take some time and think about it.

  14. Alex says:

    Hi, I have a situation. My ex boyfriend and I broke up and April and it was hard. He is jewish and I’m catholic and that is why we broke up. We didn’t want to but he has too. Well time has gone by and he contacted me on my birthday and asked to catch up. We did and it waa beautiful but sad beach see had to say goodbye again and that hurt me. We left off from there on not so good terms. And he said we shouldn’t talk for a long time for example 6 months to a year. I was actually starting to move on and he called me on Sunday and asked how I was and said he’ll stop by for a bit at my dorm. He did today and it was weird. It was really unexpected that he called, and I might’ve acted weird when I saw him today. It was awkward, we usually hug or kiss, and we were talking. As if we were strangers, I don’t know if it was boring because we weren’t doing anything physical. I think it’s because it’s new for us, because we never tried being friends. I just don’t want things to be awkward, because we are comfortable and have a good time together. I really want to try and be friends. And he did call me and wanted to catch up. I felt a weird vibe in that he was trying to not get to close to me. He seems pretty hesitant. It’s not like we are getting back together. I see it in his eyes that be wants to say something or tell me something. Just something, and I wonder why he contacted me if he specifically sad we shouldn’t, and last time he said I can’t keep doing this to you, and hurting you by re contacting you and because it’s to hard and yet he called me. I even asked him if to go eat dinner just to eat and he said no. I don’t know, I’m confused and I know he is to.

    • philosiblog says:

      Any relationship with mixed roots will have issues. Until you come to grips with your difference of faith, the uncertainty will stand between the two of you.

      It may not seem like much right now, but if things run their course, and you get married and have kids, then what? Which faith will they follow? I would imagine that is at the heart of what is bothering him, and you as well. Consider how you would proceed in that situation, then consider how he feels if he lets himself fall in love with you again. My guess is that he is protecting himself from that possibility.

      As for being friends, that can be done, but I think you two need to agree first that the romance is completely and irrevocably dead. While there is a chance that the flames could rekindle, there will be hesitancy. Distance and time will help, but the two of you need to figure out what your path forward will be. You need to communicate clearly and honestly, without any reservation or agenda. That will mean laying bare your heart and soul to him, but if you care that deeply for each-other, it shouldn’t be too risky. To do anything else will leave doubt in your minds, and make your future that much more difficult.

      Stay strong, you can do far more than you think.

  15. Kimberly says:

    Hello,

    I met a guy at work, a marine. We started dating and fell in love. I was on birth control. We had a discussion about possible pregnancy and I agreed that I didn’t want a child for numerous reasons. We talked about abortion and I agreed to it, if pregnancy were to happen. A year later, I became pregnant. I couldn’t go through with an abortion because it felt wrong on so many levels, all the way in my soul. I literally threw up trying to consider it. He made it clear that if I were to have the baby that he was out of our lives. I considered adoption. I found out she was a girl and I definitely couldn’t go through with adoption because I was sexually molested as a child and I wanted to prevent that from happening to her. I had the baby, completely alone. I instantly fell in love with her. Her health and happiness is everything to me. I met a guy and tried to move on from my child’s dad. A year and a half later, this guy proposed to me, and I accepted. And then, my daughter’s dad professed his regrets and said he was a complete idiot. He wanted me and my new guy to be happy. I couldn’t even look at the man I was engaged to after that. I broke off my engagement and got back together with my daughter’s dad. Now, I have hurt someone that never deserved to be hurt and I feel guilty for being the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

    Do you have any advice for me?

    • philosiblog says:

      It would be one thing if you led the second guy on, and then dumped him for no good reason. Yes, I imagine he is not happy, but (as I understand it) this was not deliberate on your part. Sometimes things happen in life, and we have little control over it. I believe this is one of these things.

      The fact that you feel bad tells me you have a good heart. Apologize (in writing, if facing him is too much), and let it go. It will take a little time, but the guilt will fade. Stay strong, and keep your little girl safe. Then teach her to be strong as well. 8)

      • Kimberly says:

        Thank you very much for caring and replying to my comment and everyone else’s comments. :) Thank you for the advice.

        I hope you have a nice day.

      • philosiblog says:

        Just remember, free advice is worth every penny you paid!

        Consider my words, but also consider your situation. You will have to make the decisions, and you will live with the consequences. Choose carefully. 8)

    • Lily says:

      Kimberly!
      I have an advice for you.
      Please write a book about your experience. Or at least a short story. I am sure others would find it inspiring, like I did.
      I can’t believe the drama you went through!
      You brave brave girl with a good heart.
      You deserve the best and don’t feel guilty for getting the love you wanted.

      Lily

  16. Alex says:

    Hi, I need some advice. My ex recently contacted me and we saw one another and we had a fun time. I feel like I can me myself with him,and we always have a nice time together. The thing is I still have feelings for him, and because of that I decided to stop talking to him and I think it’s best if we not talk ever again. He is an amazing person and somebody I can count on and I trust him. I just hope I made the right decision. I don’t know why I can’t let go. We broke up because he is jewish and I’m catholic. The last time we talked he said he doesn’t regret anything, and we had such a strong emotional and physical connection. I know what we felt was real. I don’t want to be selfish and get rid of a potentially amazing friendship because I can’t let go of the romantic idea of both of us. Plus he is talking to someone who is not jewish and it hurts a little, only because we broke up because of that. He told me they won’t be serious and tat he just needs somone there, but then I have a question. Then why aren’t we together? I mean I can tell he is over us, I mean I think so. I don’t really know. I want to stick to my conviction and not contact him, but idk if it’s the right choice. That was about a week ago when I told him that, and he said he was proud of me for making a decision I didn’t really want to make but did. I don’t know if letting him go completely out of my life was a good idea, I think about him still. I feel there is still that spark between us and that feelings are still there but idk. I don’t want to look like an idiot for contacting him and saying I want to make a friendship work. I’m very indecisive. He would always contact me after we’d say not to, but I’m nervous this time he won’t and we’ ll never talk again. I don’t know what to do.

    • philosiblog says:

      I really don’t know how to help, other than to tell you that you’ll never come to a decision until you sort out your head and your heart. If you are not to be in communication, then next time he contacts you, don’t reply. If ‘no contact’ isn’t a rule, then contact him.

      As long as you keep this “no, no, no, ok” pattern going, you will never heal. His leaving left a wound, and you keep picking at the scab. Yes, that’s a pretty gross analogy, but emotionally, that’s what you’re doing, and from here, it looks pretty gross. Look at all the pain you are inflicting on yourself.

      If seeing him with someone else bothers you, avoid him, or fight for him. But please quit tormenting yourself with his memory.

      Until you have decided, you will remain indecisive. What is your future with him? Lover, friend, or someone he used to know? Once you have determined that path, and sought and received his concurrence, you will be able to move forward with your life with some certainty and confidence.

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