If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown

Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.

What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).

By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.

Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”

Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.

To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.

How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?

An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?

You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.

Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.

This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.

From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM

, ,

1,016 Responses to If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

  1. lio 30 June 2014 at 2:44 pm #

    well i love a girl madly.we are in relationship for 2 years.during very early stages of our relationship she showed too uch care for me,she used to call alot,text me ,meet me.I liked her but i wasnt mad for her.In exams times i didnt use to talk to her much,she used to cry sometimes as i had to study.

    she used to wait for my calls,but i could not call her as i had to focus on my exams.
    I also conveyed her regarding the same.After my Exams were over i gave her all my time, i wanted to meet her daily,talk to her ,texted her.I was all hers.

    she was happy and me as well until when i found that she is slowly ignoring my calls.when i used to call late at night she said she feels sleepy.
    Earlier she used to pick my call even if she was in deep sleep and say she is always available for me.

    she was changing.she said she loves me but not too much .i did not know what that means.I wanted to meet her but she was not showing any interests in meeting me.I wanted to know what is wrong between us.she always said that she loved me but it was not looking like that .when eventually she said me that wants break up as she wants to date another guy.I felt horribly bad . I cri ed for her not to do that.I beg before her but she was heartless.she said she needed a months time to figure it out .i was a total lost.So i decided to breakup with her and told her to never contact me.Next day she called me .she wanted to meet me which i generously refused . she again changed her stand and said she loves me and can never think of getting away from me.she said she will not meet that guy ,as nothing is more more important than you(me). she again started loving me .

    though it happened once again when she said she wants some space for herself.she is not that too much in love .she loves me but not hard core.
    The problem is I LOVE HER MADLY,i cant think of my life without her,probably because she loved me so much.

    She also talks to many boys and make friends easily on internet.she even flirts with few and shares phone number.

    I am in deep love with her no matter what she do .I wanna marry her.I even think of ending my life sometimes if i dont get her

    please help me

    • philosiblog 7 July 2014 at 12:25 am #

      Let me start with this caution. No one is worth more than your life. You are strong enough to live a long and prosperous life without her. Please do not ever again consider ending your life. You have too much to give to this world to throw it away for such a foolish thought.

      That said, it sounds like each of you have issues to consider. You seem to have a little difficulty with jealousy. What can you do to improve yourself in this area, or in any other area in which you believe you could improve?

      Yes, she also has an issue with showing respect to you, but you cannot force her to change. That is the whole point of the quote. You will have to lead her, inspire her, to do better. If she is willing to change, great. If not, you will be fighting that battle until one or the other of you break it off for good. That is simply a waste of time, effort, and emotion, right?

      You will never stop loving her. No one ever does. You simply close that chapter in your life and move on to your next love. It might not be easy, and will likely hurt quite a bit, but it may be necessary.

      But start with what you can change, you. Improve yourself. Learn something new, work on fixing a bad habit, become more consistent with an existing good habit. There is something you can do to improve yourself, and you deserve nothing but the best, especially from yourself. If she wishes to join you, great. If not, you will survive. And you will grow stronger for it.

  2. Revanoff2 7 July 2014 at 10:30 pm #

    I found this article by way of doing some searching on the topic at hand. I found the article very helpful. My situation applies like this:

    About a year ago, I met a woman who was working at a restaurant. We clicked immediately. Heavy flirtation, batting eyelashes, and a touch of twitterpation whenever we saw eachother. I started going to that restaurant a number if times a week just to see her.

    Unfortunately, I lost contact with her after a couple months as she had changed jobs. I wound up at a different restaurant some time later, and she was working there. So we got to see each other for a brief period over my dinner, and it seemed that the feelings continued. As she’d walk by my table (I was with friends), she’d wink, or lightly brush against me as she passed.

    It was a wonderful feeling.

    I didn’t frequent that restaurant much, so we lost contact again for quite some time.

    Earlier this year, I moved to a different part of town. I drive a very easily recognizable car, which she saw and left her business card attached to one day. I contacted her, we quickly met up and got caught up with what all was going on in our lives. It became evident that there were feelings much deeper than friendship a couple of weeks in.

    I found out during this time that she is married and has two children. I am unsure of all the details concerning where she is at with her relationship with him, what I can say is that it seems to be a marriage which has devolved into “Room-Mate” status, wherein there is no appreciation from him, no passion left, and generally no interest.

    We continued to “date” over the next 2 months which led up to two days ago. We’d had conversations about “hypothetical” circumstances which could take place; conversations that were what most people would consider to be very serious.

    The restrictions placed on our ability to see each other were really getting to both of us. For the record, I always said that I would not be the outside guy; the guy who’s seeing the taken gal; the guy “playing games”. I found myself so enveloped within her that I’d become exactly what I said I wouldn’t be. This realization was very overwhelming for me morally; as I’m sure you can imagine.

    I refuse to be a home-wrecker. So 2 days ago I went to see her as per usual, and decided to really speak my mind.

    I told her that I’d made up my mind on what I want. This included saying that I wanted her, her kids, the whole situation. This led to my next point, which was that I couldn’t be around her anymore while she is obligated to her marriage. Both her and I were on the brink of tears while having this conversation. She understood exactly where I was coming from, and why it had to be this way.

    I made it clear (and she understood) that if her situation were to change, that she should look me up. We still have open lines of communication (via social media, cell phones, and the fact she lives 2 blocks from me), so contacting me in the event she becomes available and is still interested in me, there’s nothing holding her back. Given that, I refuse to utilize any of the media available to contact her. I told her I needed to go, and that has to be it.

    This was the hardest time I ever had “breaking up” with someone, even though I wasn’t technically with her; if that makes any sense. I love her. We sat on my couch recently and just stared into each other’s eyes. Time felt as if it stopped. I’ve never been there with anyone else in my life. She hasn’t actually said it due to the aforementioned “restrictions”, but has very obviously eluded to the fact that she loves me too.

    It’s been a very rough couple days since this has occurred. My heart feels broken, I can’t sleep, I don’t have any appetite. I force myself to eat and try sleeping because I don’t want to wreck myself over this situation.

    I want to fight for her. So badly I do, but I can’t do anything. I am hoping that she will come to me if she ends her current situation. I want nothing more than to hold her every night, and make sure that she is cared for and feels loved and appreciated. She deserves at least that much. I have a lot of respect for her, which I think is part of the reason I had to let her go.

    I want her in my life; but we can’t be friends. It’s all or nothing, and we both agreed on that. Our connection is very deep, our touch is magnetic, and we usually know what the other is going to say before we say it. I just wish that there was a way that I could know for sure if she’s going to leave her marriage (even not if to be with me, she deserves better than what she has). I want her to be happy, loved and appreciated. I can do all of those things with fervor, passion, and intellect. You might say I’ve “got it in spades”.

    What are your thoughts?

    Thank you,

    • philosiblog 11 July 2014 at 8:54 pm #

      Sorry to be so long in getting back to you.

      You are in a very tough situation, but you followed your values and morals. Not everyone can do that. The all-or-nothing approach is a tough one, but it completely avoids temptation. As for her situation, I’ve seen relationships go through phases like that, so there is a chance that she will find happiness in her present relationship. But if not, expect her to change during the process of a divorce. That’s a rough time, and she might need some time to gather herself together afterwards. And she will be a slightly different person, just be prepared for that change. It might be small, but it might be huge. There is no way to tell in advance.

      You have talked about your desires, but there are also responsibilities. If she comes to you, it’s an instant family, right? That’s quite a change from a solitary lifestyle. Suddenly there are people in your life which need significant amounts of your time, and it has to be on their schedule, not yours. I’ve known people who did well with the transition, but none called it easy.

      Through all this, remember that you are strong. You have already shown strength which few I know would have been able to match. Remember her fondly while you go on with your life. With time, the feeling may change, and friendship may be possible. And you never know what the future will hold for you, or for her.

      • Revanoff2 11 July 2014 at 10:41 pm #

        It would be an instant family. I agree, it would be a major shift in my life and the way I conduct myself would have to endure a very dynamic shift. At this point (after giving very serious thought to it), I feel that if the situation were to come along whereby I found myself suddenly with a family, I could adapt fairly quickly.

        Where they would be is another situation altogether. I have put thought into how they may react to a “game-changer” such as that, and fortunately, the children are young enough that the impact would be smaller than when my parents split. They are still very young. It’s still a gamble no matter how it’s interpreted.

        Given that it’s been almost a week since our “break-up”, with zero contact; I have a feeling she’s planning to stick with him at least until the situation she’s in improves. I don’t want to reveal much; however, because of actions he took which ended his legal ability to drive, he needs her around to get to work. Subsequently, she has stated she feels obliged to stay with him until that is finished, and he can get back on his feet.

        No one knows what the future holds, and honestly; I hope that she finds actual happiness. My feelings and desires aside, I think that’s what she really needs. I do wish her the best.

        I also wish I could tell her that without an impact on the stand that I took.

      • philosiblog 13 July 2014 at 4:35 pm #

        Yes, with kids, you never know. If the situation arises, there are professionals who can help the child cope with the change. There are mechanisms which can help the child cope, but it depends very much on the child, and which part of the change is causing them trouble.

        She sounds like a decent person. If so, there will likely be a transition period for her as she exits the present relationship. After that, she will go through a grieving process, and probably spend some time turned inward, healing herself and helping the kids. After that, who knows.

        Wishing her happiness, even at your expense, is the truest form of love with which I am familiar. It takes a great deal of mental and emotional maturity and reflection to come to that point. Someday, you will be able to mention it to her, just not now. In a year or two, when her decision appears to be a bit more clear, you might find an opportunity.

        In the mean time, what will you do with your time? To what end will you use it? I can’t imagine you sitting by the phone and waiting for it to ring. I imagine you’ll stay busy and work on improving your life. And remember to stay strong.

      • Revanoff2 15 July 2014 at 4:40 pm #

        I am replying here as the “reply” button has gone missing from the message below that you left on July 13th.

        I don’t stop. I don’t take vacations, I keep myself busy. Always have been that way, As such, that’s what I will continue doing until I have a reason to stop. I am working very hard on myself to improve things that I don’t like this year, and I will continue doing that as well.

        I have some financial restrictions from mistakes I made in a past relationship to get straightened out, which is in progress. I’m currently quitting smoking, and also drinking less. When I’ve got those things handled, I’ll take on the next batch of things I want to improve on for myself.

        I still find myself having a hard time with her on my mind. It’s not as prevalent as it used to be; however, any amount tends to spiral down and I have to control where my mind goes after that. My belief is that there will almost always be a part of me which will struggle with that until such a time as either she joins me, or I find someone else who will do for me what she does.

        There’s still some rough time ahead as I’m dealing with this. Hopefully it will come to a conclusion soon.

        Thank you

      • philosiblog 17 July 2014 at 6:58 am #

        You are most welcome. I’m glad you are keeping busy, but beware of being overly busy. Burying yourself doesn’t make the problem go away, you just can’t see the symptoms for a while. Glad to hear you’re improving yourself and appear to have a list of the things you wish to improve.

        Understand that she will always be in your mind. When I find that happening, I smile, say ‘thanks for stopping by’ and envision them waving and walking away. I then go back to what I was doing. I have noticed that they visit less often, and eventually become just a fond memory of my past days.

        Stay strong.

      • Revanoff2 19 August 2014 at 4:43 pm #

        I wanted to leave you an update.

        For the record, 2014 has been the single most stressful year I’ve ever had. I’ve lost both Grandfathers, then just this morning a good friend passed, and another friend was put in jail a little while ago on false charges.

        I made a post on Facebook giving a basic rundown of where I’m at in my own head with life this year. It has been very tough. I went overboard on being busy (and you warned against that), and it most certainly came back to bite me. She read the post and sent me a message to let me know that she was still there, that she missed me and wanted to talk to me.

        In my moment of weakness, I responded back. We had a brief conversation which ended with her telling me that she loves me; that she hates to see me hurting the way I am, and that she knows she is part of my stress this year. Even went so far as to say that she wished she could either erase herself from my mind, or just be with me.

        I decided to have her come over so we could talk. She told me that 3 weeks ago, she told her husband to “step it up”, or she wanted a divorce. Supposedly, he’s “stepped it up” somewhat, but not where he needs to be.

        She is still unsure of the outcome of her present situation. Then, here comes the bomb dropping; she tells me that she “has something” that I need to take under consideration, as if we were to get together, I would most likely wind up with it as well. She did not specify what exactly it was, and I won’t know until she tells me.

        This creates another complexity to the situation.

        It hasn’t changed my feelings about her in the slightest.

        I said I’d take her as she is. When I said everything, I meant everything. Granted, this was before learning that there was “something” I was unaware of. I’m not offended or upset that she never mentioned it before, as the likelihood of us getting together then seems less than it is now, given that she’s thrown the gauntlet with her husband.

        This has become a larger decision than I originally anticipated. In pretty much all aspects of my life currently, I’m flying by the seat of my pants. This situation is no different.

        It’s hard to decide where to go when your vision is blurred.

      • philosiblog 27 August 2014 at 2:33 am #

        Sorry to be so slow in responding. Life has been interesting here as well.

        My recommendation is to determine what your limits and rules are. What offers will you take, and what rules must you enforce? With emotions running high and vision blurred, anything can happen. If you’re OK with that, and the possible repercussions, then all is well. If you have some concerns, try to figure out what they are, and from them, determine your boundaries.

        Try to understand what secret she is bringing. You will probably have to wait until she is there, as she has been able to keep it this long, right?

        Stay strong, and remain as calm as you possibly can.

      • Revanoff2 28 August 2014 at 7:11 pm #

        Hi Phil,

        She came over again last night. We had a good time playing cards and listening to music etc. Eventually (as it usually does) the conversation got to the topic of us. She has expressed numerous times how she wishes that she could just be with me, and that continues.

        We got to the topic specifically of what she was “bringing” with her, and I said to her “If you are serious about us, and I think you are, I need to know.”

        She attempted to explain why she hadn’t made mention of it before, and it’s because she thinks I feel that she is “perfect” and she didn’t want to ruin that image of herself in my mind and potentially change my opinion/feelings for her. I reminded her that perfection is subjective, and that if she is seriously considering being with me, that I deserve to know; and if we were to get that out of the way, it would be a load off her mind.

        So she told me. I will honestly say, it made no difference to me. It was obvious that she wasn’t proud of it (can’t imagine who would be), so I comforted her, and told her honestly that it made no difference to me. She seemed much more relaxed after having said it.

        So I take from this that she is being serious. Overall, still flying by the seat of my pants, but I feel there is a direction now at least, and the journey likely won’t be easy for anyone involved. All I know is, if/when the time comes, I’ll be there and make it as smooth as possible.

        I think I can say that (even while all this is up in the air yet), the whole point behind your post here, may honestly be true for my situation at least. I’m hoping it materializes the way we wish it would, and only time will tell.

        Thanks for your kind and supportive words Phil, I wish more people were as supportive as you have been to all the posters of your blog sir.

        Robert

      • philosiblog 1 September 2014 at 6:12 pm #

        Thanks for the kind words. As you have noted, each of us must be true to ourselves. Sadly, not everyone is as supportive as I am. The good news is that there are many who are even more supportive than am I.

        For me, communication is the heart of any relationship, and as long as you can continue to communicate, you can have a worthy relationship. Whether that relationship becomes what you hope, that is outside our hands, right?

        Stay strong.

      • Veracity 31 October 2014 at 8:18 pm #

        For Revanoff

        I would be careful if i were you. You want the truth of the matter? This guy would be better off if she jumped shipped to you. You, however, would not! Trust me. The very things that are drowning him as a man with this love of yours will inevitably drown you once you take up that yoke.

        I dont care if the sun, moon, and stars shift. Or if they fall out of the sky when you gaze into each others eyes. Its all honeymoon. Its not day to day interaction. I dont know the specifics of her bond with her husband but, ill tell you this…women go into a relationship with a great deal of expectations. Nothing wrong with that. But whats wrong is, when you invariably do not live up to those expectations, the majority of women will completely lose respect for you. Much more respect in most cases than is fair.

        You try 10 years down the road and a houseful of kids. Try that day in and day out interaction. You have to look into the future. If shes flight now after 10 with this guy and two kids..dont be fooled by her “love” for you now. She will just as easily jump your ship for someone else. Fight or flight. She seems to be pushing the envelope of flight. Love is a choice more than euphoria after time passes. Unless this guy is beating her or verbally abusive to her. Beats his kids or neglects them…it does not show much backbone or the capacity for long suffering on her part. And, i hate to say it, but true love is painful.

        Save yourself the problems and heart ache. I can almost guarantee you that if you end up letting this girl leave her husband for you..you will regret it a few years down the road. Grass is ALWAYS greener. As trite and cliche as it is.

      • Veracity 31 October 2014 at 11:30 pm #

        I apologize for interjecting my thoughts there.

        I just mean to say that women have amazing expectations and tend to put their new love up on this pedestal. No man can live up to those all those expectations. I think you have been wise to be as reasonable as you have been. But, id be worried about being a bit cursed, if you will. I mean, honing in and being receptive to a married woman could actually be considered disrespecting her and her family, ultimately. I mean, it can be looked on that way, if you ask me. Maybe he is still invested. She obviously is still invested and that the very least is keeping him on ice in a way as well.

        This woman doesnt know what she wants. That seems apparent. I say, respect her by respecting her family and even her kids. She entered in a promise and bond for this family and you are helping her go against it. Im not trying to harp on you. I really am not. Just food for thought. I realize you cant help what you feel. I just think youd be wise to find a woman that knows what she wants. A woman that isnt seriously thinking of not fighting for her own choices. Despite the fact that it is old love. Shes actually choosing the easy way out. Well, its possible. I dont know her situation, obviously. IF the guy truly is poisonous (youre only going to get her truths and side of it) then i can see the conflict and understand more.

      • philosiblog 5 November 2014 at 3:22 am #

        That’s fine. Another opinion is always welcome. Each of us has a different view of what is happening, and our opinions are shaped by our life experiences.

      • Revanoff 5 November 2014 at 3:49 am #

        Hi Veracity,

        I do appreciate your view on the situation at hand here. Its been awhile since I’ve been back; and things have changed only a little.

        For example; we started to go out to dinner with the kids along as well. This was an absolute blast for me, and I couldn’t help but begin bonding with her kids. Call me crazy (I wouldn’t argue much), but I found the time we spent together was almost exactly what I’ve been feeling that I want.

        I will honestly say that things have not gotten any easier. There have been some admissions made which I feel are true; as such I feel that she does want to make a move, but given the children’s involvement, is hesitant to take that “leap of faith.”

        I completely understand your viewpoint Veracity, and I can tell you, the thought has crossed my mind. The way I see it is, she’d be taking a much bigger risk moving over to me than I would with her. As such, it’s possible that “every woman” has these expectations that “no man” can fulfill, but I like to think that is the case with every man as well, and it’s how the lack of fulfillment is is handled. If there are promises made at the altar that are not being fulfilled, that is (for lack of a more sophisticated phrase) breaking contract.

        More specifically, it doesn’t seem he is holding up his end of the bargain, and is showing no intent of doing so in the future. I’m not saying that I am the end-all-be-all for her, or any woman for that matter, but I know what I can promise and what I can’t promise.

        I can’t say for sure how he was at the beginning of their relationship, as I obviously wasn’t there. Based on observation of photos taken at their wedding and afterward, I really don’t see where it was that great of a relationship to start with. Her statements about how it progressed to where they are now backs up what I see in the photos.

        Things have had to cool quite a bit. Due to our individual circumstances, it wouldn’t make sense for her to “jump ship” right now. Perhaps in 6 months, the timing could be more correct; only time will tell.

        We don’t go to dinner anymore as I’m being “asked about” a lot, and she doesn’t want to have the topic of me brought up by anyone but herself. So creating some space to help with that. I’m certainly not pleased, as I have become quite attached to them, as they may have to me; creating the situation as above.

        I still don’t know where it all will go. It may go nowhere, at which point I will just have to suck it up as a learning experience. If something does come of it, I am up to the challenge.

  3. Bella 8 July 2014 at 1:43 pm #

    My boyfriend left me three weeks ago. We were together for 10 years but lots of battles. I was mentally abused in a pass relationship so my connection with love was not super. He once told me to get more professional help. I did, I had to relive my pass by hipnos and redo the ends in positive so I would not get panic attacks. It worked, I am still working hard to get better. But, now that I am better and working on my anxiety and that my flashbacks are more positive then negative, he sais that in those 10 years, he just detached and stopped loving me. I don’t blame, I was such a mess. I asked myself so many time it I really do love him and I love him for who he is in so many good ways. I want to show him who I am today, but his love is gone, they say that it could come back. Can it?

    • philosiblog 11 July 2014 at 9:10 pm #

      As for whether it can come back or not depends on him. One thing to consider is that if he is burned out on the relationship, he will need some time and distance to relax and re-evaluate his feelings. How long a time that might be? I have no way of knowing.

      While you wait, I would recommend continuing to work on yourself. Even if you don’t ever get back together, you deserve nothing less than the best, and that includes from yourself. Become better, improve, overcome. Never stop growing.

  4. Jenny P. 9 July 2014 at 12:00 am #

    Hi, I wonder if you could share your thoughts on this…

    This guy and i had kind of a long distance relationship… it wasnt anything official though, but we made it work in a sense that we’ve been talking every single day despite the time difference –– it wasnt a big issue, because the time diff worked out from where we were. We skyped a lot, we were really comfortable with each other, both of feel like we can talk about anything and everything under the sun and it was great. we did this for almost 3 yrs… it wasnt until a few months ago when a girl he worked with confessed to him, and that’s when everything went downhill… He suddenly wanted assurance from me, something that i couldnt give him at the moment… I guess he just suddenly had this option of having someone close to him, without all this long distance thing… We fought about it, and i was really hurt, because i never would have expected him to hurt me like that. After that I just couldnt be myself around him, he tried apologizing and since nothing really happened with him and this girl anyway i forgave him, it’s just that, after that i felt all his efforts with me are half-assed. So i became even more reserved, my walls have come way up… and i was cold with him.. and him being so passive in facing problems didnt really help, because I’m the type who faces the problem and wants to see an effort in resolving things. he just isnt wired that way.

    A month passed and I was actually in the same country as he is at that time so we met up… it was so awkward… because i think both of us didnt know how to act, i didnt know what i wanted either. Our meet up was just a big ball of awkward it was a disaster… a few days later I went away again and I decided that I want to try and be okay with him so whenever he’d msg me (he still does every once in a while) I’m not cold anymore, even started to joke around although our conversations are still short, i wanted to slowly get back to where we were.. and he has been responsive. but recently i found out that he has been hanging out with that girl… so i got fed up and just… made some form of closure for both of us… because i think both of us are hanging on to the good times we’ve had… not really wanting to END things because it’s so final. I told him all that and he said it’s because after that awkward meet up he felt like i didnt want to have anything to do with him anymore and that he came to terms with it (which is i guess why he has started hanging out with that other girl again), he said he thought i was just being friendly when we would msg each other recently, because he said he didnt want to let go because he atleast wanted some form of friendship between us. So after that i just said, despite everything that’s happened i still wanted to be his friend too.. he’s one of the few people i can be 110% myself with, and we were friends before we started this whole thing anyway, so… i dont know… does this work? honestly i dont really know what i want… i cant seem to give him that assurance that he wants… all i know is (and he knows it too) that we have great connection and chemistry and we’re both weird but that’s okay. weird is good. that’s what we always say.

    Thanks, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

    • philosiblog 11 July 2014 at 9:20 pm #

      Not every relationship turns into forever-love. You may have found your best friend ever, and are trying to complicate things. At least that is the impression I have from reading what you wrote.

      Until you are clear about what you really want, how will you know what steps to take? I believe your first step is to figure out what you really want, and what you are willing to do to get it. If you aren’t willing to move to be with him, perhaps romantic love is out of the picture. Can you handle him being romantic with someone else while still being a friend with you? There are many possibilities, but you will have to figure out where you draw the line between what you can accept and what you cannot.

      Once you have that figured out, the rest will fall into place fairly easily. If it doesn’t, consider what is giving you difficulties. Odds are you let your head draw the line, and not your heart. Try to reconcile these differences, and then move forward.

  5. anonymous28 12 July 2014 at 4:20 pm #

    First of all sorry for my English, hope you understand me..

    My story is as follows ..

    I’m 28 years old, she is 36 years old with 4 year-old daughter, single.

    It all started in January and continued until the end of April, when she stopped answering her phone suddenly. We understand perfectly, her daughter adores me, her mother too, even her best friends. From June to September she will work at 300 miles from our city. I told her that I was going to visit her two weekends a month, but she did not believe me. In May i didn’t call her once, she did the same.

    In mid-June I got the car and went to the city where she works in summer. She was shocked .. in a good way. She said she did not believed the things I talked about us. Now she saw that I am serious in my intentions about her. We agreed that the time will tell how things will develop from here between us.

    Two weeks after this great weekend in a conversation on the phone she told me that she has no feelings about me and that she is in love with another man. She want to be just friends. I told her that I love her and will not give up easily on her. Many times she told me that i have to stop the things between us because she can’t. Her eyes and body are telling me that she has feelings for me, everyone sees that, but she tell’s me the opposite. She said to give us a time to think about us. In the end of July i have a birthday. It will be a month after that conversation, and i think she’ll probably call me. I don’t want to lose her but we can’t be just friends because i have feelings for her. I know the responsibility to be with a woman with child and i am ready for it.
    Her friend told me a week ago that there is no such thing, that she is single and working hard.

    What should i do? Should i wait for her call or wait till September when she come back and than talk? Really confused, really in love…

    • philosiblog 13 July 2014 at 5:07 pm #

      Mixed signals (what she says, compared to what her eyes/body are saying) is always troublesome.

      There is no correct answer to your questions. My recommendation is to consider the possibilities, and then weigh the pros and cons.

      To start with, is there really someone else there, or is she just trying to get some space because things are moving faster than she is comfortable with? If you wait until she returns, what are the benefits and the risks associated with that delay? What if she doesn’t call on your birthday?

      If you break the situation into the different paths it could take, and then weigh each, I hope you will be able to at least eliminate the least useful paths, leaving you less to worry about. Careful consideration of what is left will, I hope, give you a better idea regarding what path is the correct one for you to pursue.

      As much as is possible, eliminate unknowns. Are you willing to ask her if there is really someone else, or if things are just going too fast for her to handle? It would eliminate an unknown, but you might not get the answer you hope for, right?

      Consider your options, and remember that there is great strength within each of us. Stay strong, no matter what comes of this, right?

      As for your English, it is far better than my grasp of any other language, so no worries. 8)

  6. anonymous28 14 July 2014 at 11:32 am #

    I don’t know what to think anymore..

    She is a smart woman, a lawyer. Things she said:

    1. This is a test. Will i give up, or i’ll keep fighting for her.

    2. She is ready to tell me anything just to end things between us because she can’t.

    3. She just doesn’t want to be with me.

    On that last conversation two weeks ago she told me that she doesn’t want to take my future. That life is ahead of me, that i don’t need a woman with a child in my life to carry on. Many times before, when everything was alright she told me that in a year or two i will cheat on her with every younger woman.

    Whether she calls or not on my birthday, i’ll call her. I think that a month is enough time to make a decision. If she say the same things..i’ll leave her..What more can i do? I think that if i wait till Sept. everything will be lost.

    Funny thing is that same story happened to her mother. She was single with a child when younger man, zodiac sign Leo (like me) fell in love with her, and they got married…Life…

    No matter what comes of this i wish her all the best…she deserves it.

    I truly appreciate your help!

    • philosiblog 17 July 2014 at 6:53 am #

      It sounds like you have a great attitude. Stay strong, and weather whatever comes at you.

  7. cct 5 August 2014 at 8:39 am #

    I have this relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we will be turning 4 years this coming September. We have been friends and classmates since college. we were deeply inlove and very happy with each other. It is really nice to have those feelings that I have been spoiled by him and his family, he always takes care of me. Im proud to say that “trust” is always present in our relationship. I decided to go abroad to work. its hard to accept that I will be away from him for 2years. we promised each other that we will be together forever and we said that “if we are meant to be then it will be” no matter how far I am to him.. but it came to a point that we never communicate well, unlike before that we always communicate through internet. We have different time zone, his time is 5 hours advance. At first I didn’t understand him and I always annoyed by the distance that separates us, I kept nagging at him and blaming him for not taking too much effort to communicate with me. I was so selfish, I always think of myself because of this homesickness here in abroad and I didn’t realize that he needs time to sleep early. But after this usual fight we both apologize to each other because we know it is just normal in every long distance relationship. I also learned to live my life here in abroad without thinking of him all the time. I made friends with other people, having hangouts with new friends and even entertaining suitors. And eventually there’s a guy who courted me and I admired him for his being friendly and attractive. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know but what I feel right now is i’m very happy and I don’t feel homesick anymore when i’m with him. I can feel the guilt in me. I don’t know what will happen next.. I feel guilty but im happy as well being with my new special someone. I don’t feel like communicating with my boyfriend anymore, I don’t find him sweet and loving. Im confused. am I a cheater? Help me please. Thank you

    • philosiblog 6 August 2014 at 4:34 am #

      It sounds like you know what the issue is, both with your long-distance boyfriend and your local suitor. You will have to determine what you want, and what price you are willing to pay to have it.

      If you want the boyfriend, you have to say NO to the suitor. If you’re over the boyfriend, then let him know, and continue with the suitor.

      Yes, there are other options, but you sound like morals and ethics have some value to you, so those are the most honorable options which come to my mind. Either way, I believe you owe your boyfriend a call. I think he deserves to know how dissatisfied you are, and that he may be about to loose you. Also think about how things will be in 6 months or even 6 years. If you like your boyfriends family that much, is that a factor in your decision? There is much to think about, and much to talk about.

      Ultimately the decision is yours, as are the consequences. Take some time and do your best to choose wisely.

  8. Yan 10 August 2014 at 11:07 pm #

    Hi, you have helped me a few months ago (much appreciated)- you might remember my story, sadly I haven’t made progress but my question has changed (I have self doubt now)…. I was trying to make an decision on whether to break up with my bf as per my parent/ keep the relationship underground/ talk to my parent and can have conflict :

    To summarize again: My Boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, I am 23 and he is 28. He had one relationship that lasted 7 years, he married that girl for 1 year and later he got divorced because she cheated on him. He said it was a mistake he made because he was young, and he had a low self esteem back then, she made him believe he is terrible and won’t find anyone else, she was emotionally abusive and she completely disrespected him. He learn’t from his mistakes, he no longer feels insecure and he changed for better now.

    He is my second boyfriend, and he has consistently been trustworthy, loyal, caring, kind, selfless, confident, improving, understanding, sensitive to my needs, self reflecting, rational. He believes I am his true love, and he sees qualities in me, that can sustain an long term relationship filled with happiness.

    I feel comfortable in his love, my love tank is always filled. We share hobbies and interests, I can see myself with him on a long term. However, there is a lot of social pressure that’s affecting me:

    1) My parents don’t approve, they feel he is a risk given his past. My parents strongly suggests breakup. I feel i can’t load unnecessary stress on them esp now that my mom has cancer. But staying with my boyfriend makes me feel guilty.

    2) I feel judged. Am I lowering my self-worth by wanting a divorced man? The world sees this “beautiful, intelligent,good back ground, young me” with an “nice, have a good job, but divorced, 120kg, slightly bold, hairy and has freckles, has epilepsy – although been stable for many years” —- they all think i am blinded by love.

    Should I listen to my parent’s advice – throw him away, and find better because I am young and there is lots of good guys out there still. I am soooo confused, he is REALLY a good man, and I do love him. But is that enough for me to fight for him, and not feel resentment in the future?

    • philosiblog 15 August 2014 at 1:43 am #

      At some point, you become a grown person, and make your own decisions. Your parents are acting on the knowledge they have, and the opinions they formed in their youth. They want what is best for you, but don’t have all the information. As an example, is there a way you can describe exactly how you feel, and get them to feel it as well?

      That said, as a grown adult making your own decisions, you will have to also live with the consequences. You will have to determine what matters most to you, knowing that your decision, no matter how you decide, will hurt someone (or several someones).

      I can’t make that decision for you, but you will, eventually, make that decision. And you will live with the consequences. Think about it, and what the decision will look like in five years if you are right, and what it would look like in five years if your parents are right. Then look at how things are in-between. What if you are half right, but they are as well. How does that work out? Take some time and think about it.

  9. Alex 18 August 2014 at 9:25 pm #

    Hi, I have a situation. My ex boyfriend and I broke up and April and it was hard. He is jewish and I’m catholic and that is why we broke up. We didn’t want to but he has too. Well time has gone by and he contacted me on my birthday and asked to catch up. We did and it waa beautiful but sad beach see had to say goodbye again and that hurt me. We left off from there on not so good terms. And he said we shouldn’t talk for a long time for example 6 months to a year. I was actually starting to move on and he called me on Sunday and asked how I was and said he’ll stop by for a bit at my dorm. He did today and it was weird. It was really unexpected that he called, and I might’ve acted weird when I saw him today. It was awkward, we usually hug or kiss, and we were talking. As if we were strangers, I don’t know if it was boring because we weren’t doing anything physical. I think it’s because it’s new for us, because we never tried being friends. I just don’t want things to be awkward, because we are comfortable and have a good time together. I really want to try and be friends. And he did call me and wanted to catch up. I felt a weird vibe in that he was trying to not get to close to me. He seems pretty hesitant. It’s not like we are getting back together. I see it in his eyes that be wants to say something or tell me something. Just something, and I wonder why he contacted me if he specifically sad we shouldn’t, and last time he said I can’t keep doing this to you, and hurting you by re contacting you and because it’s to hard and yet he called me. I even asked him if to go eat dinner just to eat and he said no. I don’t know, I’m confused and I know he is to.

    • philosiblog 19 August 2014 at 4:13 pm #

      Any relationship with mixed roots will have issues. Until you come to grips with your difference of faith, the uncertainty will stand between the two of you.

      It may not seem like much right now, but if things run their course, and you get married and have kids, then what? Which faith will they follow? I would imagine that is at the heart of what is bothering him, and you as well. Consider how you would proceed in that situation, then consider how he feels if he lets himself fall in love with you again. My guess is that he is protecting himself from that possibility.

      As for being friends, that can be done, but I think you two need to agree first that the romance is completely and irrevocably dead. While there is a chance that the flames could rekindle, there will be hesitancy. Distance and time will help, but the two of you need to figure out what your path forward will be. You need to communicate clearly and honestly, without any reservation or agenda. That will mean laying bare your heart and soul to him, but if you care that deeply for each-other, it shouldn’t be too risky. To do anything else will leave doubt in your minds, and make your future that much more difficult.

      Stay strong, you can do far more than you think.

  10. Kimberly 23 August 2014 at 11:26 am #

    Hello,

    I met a guy at work, a marine. We started dating and fell in love. I was on birth control. We had a discussion about possible pregnancy and I agreed that I didn’t want a child for numerous reasons. We talked about abortion and I agreed to it, if pregnancy were to happen. A year later, I became pregnant. I couldn’t go through with an abortion because it felt wrong on so many levels, all the way in my soul. I literally threw up trying to consider it. He made it clear that if I were to have the baby that he was out of our lives. I considered adoption. I found out she was a girl and I definitely couldn’t go through with adoption because I was sexually molested as a child and I wanted to prevent that from happening to her. I had the baby, completely alone. I instantly fell in love with her. Her health and happiness is everything to me. I met a guy and tried to move on from my child’s dad. A year and a half later, this guy proposed to me, and I accepted. And then, my daughter’s dad professed his regrets and said he was a complete idiot. He wanted me and my new guy to be happy. I couldn’t even look at the man I was engaged to after that. I broke off my engagement and got back together with my daughter’s dad. Now, I have hurt someone that never deserved to be hurt and I feel guilty for being the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

    Do you have any advice for me?

    • philosiblog 27 August 2014 at 2:36 am #

      It would be one thing if you led the second guy on, and then dumped him for no good reason. Yes, I imagine he is not happy, but (as I understand it) this was not deliberate on your part. Sometimes things happen in life, and we have little control over it. I believe this is one of these things.

      The fact that you feel bad tells me you have a good heart. Apologize (in writing, if facing him is too much), and let it go. It will take a little time, but the guilt will fade. Stay strong, and keep your little girl safe. Then teach her to be strong as well. 8)

      • Kimberly 27 August 2014 at 9:16 am #

        Thank you very much for caring and replying to my comment and everyone else’s comments. :) Thank you for the advice.

        I hope you have a nice day.

      • philosiblog 28 August 2014 at 1:17 am #

        Just remember, free advice is worth every penny you paid!

        Consider my words, but also consider your situation. You will have to make the decisions, and you will live with the consequences. Choose carefully. 8)

    • Lily 27 August 2014 at 3:01 am #

      Kimberly!
      I have an advice for you.
      Please write a book about your experience. Or at least a short story. I am sure others would find it inspiring, like I did.
      I can’t believe the drama you went through!
      You brave brave girl with a good heart.
      You deserve the best and don’t feel guilty for getting the love you wanted.

      Lily

  11. Alex 30 August 2014 at 7:10 pm #

    Hi, I need some advice. My ex recently contacted me and we saw one another and we had a fun time. I feel like I can me myself with him,and we always have a nice time together. The thing is I still have feelings for him, and because of that I decided to stop talking to him and I think it’s best if we not talk ever again. He is an amazing person and somebody I can count on and I trust him. I just hope I made the right decision. I don’t know why I can’t let go. We broke up because he is jewish and I’m catholic. The last time we talked he said he doesn’t regret anything, and we had such a strong emotional and physical connection. I know what we felt was real. I don’t want to be selfish and get rid of a potentially amazing friendship because I can’t let go of the romantic idea of both of us. Plus he is talking to someone who is not jewish and it hurts a little, only because we broke up because of that. He told me they won’t be serious and tat he just needs somone there, but then I have a question. Then why aren’t we together? I mean I can tell he is over us, I mean I think so. I don’t really know. I want to stick to my conviction and not contact him, but idk if it’s the right choice. That was about a week ago when I told him that, and he said he was proud of me for making a decision I didn’t really want to make but did. I don’t know if letting him go completely out of my life was a good idea, I think about him still. I feel there is still that spark between us and that feelings are still there but idk. I don’t want to look like an idiot for contacting him and saying I want to make a friendship work. I’m very indecisive. He would always contact me after we’d say not to, but I’m nervous this time he won’t and we’ ll never talk again. I don’t know what to do.

    • philosiblog 1 September 2014 at 6:20 pm #

      I really don’t know how to help, other than to tell you that you’ll never come to a decision until you sort out your head and your heart. If you are not to be in communication, then next time he contacts you, don’t reply. If ‘no contact’ isn’t a rule, then contact him.

      As long as you keep this “no, no, no, ok” pattern going, you will never heal. His leaving left a wound, and you keep picking at the scab. Yes, that’s a pretty gross analogy, but emotionally, that’s what you’re doing, and from here, it looks pretty gross. Look at all the pain you are inflicting on yourself.

      If seeing him with someone else bothers you, avoid him, or fight for him. But please quit tormenting yourself with his memory.

      Until you have decided, you will remain indecisive. What is your future with him? Lover, friend, or someone he used to know? Once you have determined that path, and sought and received his concurrence, you will be able to move forward with your life with some certainty and confidence.

  12. Semperfi_do_or_di 4 September 2014 at 8:51 am #

    I met a woman 9 months ago. We hit it off immediately. I asked her several times if she had a boyfriend which she told me she did not. So I pursued her, then as we got closer spending every night out to dinner weekends together she tells me she has a boyfriend. By this time I was madly in love with her. She was so stressed about her children that are in their early 20’s but have no guidance in life. I began to help them out, she and I continued to see each other, she began insisting on paying for her meals when we went out, but I was the first one she called when she had a problem. Her BF lives out of town. She told me many times she doenst know why she is with him, she loves him but she knows he is not right for her. She told me that i am everything he isnt. Well recently we had a argument about him, the only time we argued was about him, things were said and now she is moving to live with him and all of a sudden tells everyone she has a boyfriend, they all though i was her boyfriend. I am trying like mad to let her go, we have fought like this before and she has come back to me, My heart tells me she will again. I can not imagine not being with this woman. we have such a connection, she old me unsolicited that i was her best frined and her confidant that she can not talk to anyone the way she talks to me including her bf. there is an age difference of 17 years she is 17 years older than I. when we are together you can not notice the age difference we connect on such a strong level. She tells me she hates her self that she can not love me the way i lover her. is there any hope she will come back?

    • philosiblog 13 September 2014 at 6:05 pm #

      The answer to your question is entirely in her hands. She might come back, but she might not. Perhaps she is taking the final step, moving back with her old BF. By doing that, she can compare life with him to life with you. Provided your words didn’t cause too much harm, she might decide that living with him just isn’t what she needs. It all depends on her, and what she values, and what price she is willing to pay for what she wants.

      Sorry I can’t be more specific, but when another person is involved, there are limits to what can be predicted.

      Trying to forget someone is kind of pointless. Someone you love will always be with you, no matter the distance or the time passed.

      You probably have some free time, but what will you do with it? I would find something to do to help improve yourself. You deserve to be the best person you can be, and that will take a little effort on your part. You spent the last few months working on being a better friend and a mentor, but now what aspect of your life will you work on improving?

      Above all, stay strong. No matter what the outcome, you are strong enough to continue with your life, and to grow and thrive.

  13. Alex 6 September 2014 at 5:36 am #

    I just saw my ex last night and I spent the night. We had a great night and just held each other and then I awkwardly left in the morning not knowing exactly where we stand. We broke because he is jewish and I’m catholic. I want to call him but I initiated contact and I don’t want to seem desperate it needy, but I want to know where we stand or how he feels. Idk if I should wait for him to text or call me or if I should contact him?

    • philosiblog 13 September 2014 at 6:18 pm #

      I would recommend you find someplace to meet where the two of you can meet and talk frankly. Not either of your places, but somewhere else. A park or nature preserve might work, someplace neutral and relatively private. Then you need to determine exactly where you stand. Until then, you are just stumbling around in the dark. That rarely ends well, does it?

      If you are unwilling to take that step, or they are not, then there is no relationship, just friends with benefits. Nothing wrong with that, but you have to understand the status of your relationship before you can make any plans. To do that you need to talk with them. I would recommend calling and stating that you want to discuss where you two stand, and what the future might hold. Plan also to discuss the issues that the parents have with the difference in religions.

      If you get to the point in the conversation where the relationship is verified and you decide to go forward with it, you MUST then have the discussion of children and religion. You will have that discussion/argument eventually, so best to have it now, before children are torn apart by the argument.

      This is a big, and quite scary step, but if you are to have a future together, that is the only path forward which stands a chance of success, at least in my opinion.

      Stay strong, and remain true to your heart.

  14. helloworld 15 September 2014 at 6:55 am #

    I knew a woman, she is the most adorable woman i’ve met, I often talked with her, talking about anything, i made her laugh, i made her tell her story, etc and I really enjoyed it and she seemingly comfort with me,
    And last night, she told me, she need to retreat for some time and i don’t know why.
    She told me she enjoyed every our conversations we had but then she need time to retreat, to calming down herself.
    It frightening as well, because i didn’t know what must i’m doing without talk to her for some day or a week or a month
    I don’t know man, but it was very complicated to understood… we enjoyed every moment but then she need alone, why.
    Give me some advice maybe

    • philosiblog 16 September 2014 at 4:00 am #

      She has her own reasons. The question is what will you do?

      Perhaps her feelings have crossed some line, and she must examine what she feels and how she wishes to proceed. There is no knowing what is going on. Did she give any indication regarding how long she would be away from you? Were you asked not to contact her, but wait for her to contact you?

      Everyone needs a little time to themselves, especially when there is a decision to be made. You can try to influence her, but you risk pushing her away instead of drawing her in, right?

      I would recommend you take some time to consider what you can do to improve yourself while you wait for her to respond. Stay strong, but set a deadline after which you will contact her, if only to ask how things are going, and when she expects to contact you. If she doesn’t know, let her know you will contact her again in the future. You will need to figure out before hand how long you are willing to wait, and use that time instead of ‘future’ in the prior sentence.

      Just understand that you could end up making things worse instead of better if you pester her too often or too soon. Unfortunately, the only way to find out if it is too soon is to ask. For that, I have no advice, except to wait as long as you can, and then wait another day or two.

      Sorry I can’t be of more help.

  15. smilebigalways 27 September 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    I am thrilled to have found this article. It helped me in more ways than one.

    My situation is unique.
    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I am not exaggerating but it was an almost perfect relationship. we fought, we laughed, we talked, we made love, we went out, we cried. we went thru everything together in the last 6 years. we both knew we were each other’s soul mates. we both still feel that way.

    I had to move away for grad school and it’s to the other side of the country. It was gonna be for an year. however, two days before i moved away, he asked for open relationship. i said no. we argued. he felt he needs to sort his conflicted feelings out. i had an inking he met a girl but he denied. so i approved.

    i found out he actually is having a thing with a girl who he sees everyday at his internship as well as in same classes. shes around 24/7 and i am not there. needless to say, the last month has been HELL for me. i fought for him. he said he still sees me as his wife. he still sees me in his future. he feels that he needs to have this experience of exploring someone else. understand, i am his first. hes my first as well. so i think he wanted to have more sexual experience before settling down with me.

    he did admit to me he thinks its just lust with her. the problem is the girl really likes him. interestingly, the girl is married but she left her husband for him. literally. everything happened so fast. they already had sex within a week? maybe they are rebounds for each other? i dont know but he told me he does not have feelings for her, only sexual feelings. true? i dont know. i dont know if he is saying these things to make me feel better or he is being truthful. he even said he needs to find a perfect opportunity to end it with her eventually. i have a feeling this will take months because he is a big softy and he doesnt want to hurt her especially he will see her everyday. she is a huge part of his support system for his career.

    we still talk from time to time. but just yesterday, he texted me and he felt unstable. he said some days he wants me. some days he wants to give her a shot because he feels i deserve better.

    i have tried to let him go but he still tells me he loves me. he still wants me. but hes not just ready to be 100% committed to me. its so strange because in the last 6 year he was totally faithful. he never laid an eye on other girl. he would always tell me if he feels he overstep a bound but everytime he did that, it was nothing and i laughed it off. so this is not the guy i know. maybe long distance and hes just using her as a rebound?

    so, what do you think i should do?

    • philosiblog 1 October 2014 at 4:12 am #

      Start with what your gut tells you. Yes, it’s probably flipping over or churning. But underneath the turmoil, you have a feeling. Start with that and explore what it tells you. Does it seem to feel things will pass, or does it seem to feel like he has passed?

      With that as a basis (but not a final decision, unless the feeling is overwhelming), consider what your heart says. It sounds like you still have strong feelings for him. Can you handle sharing him? For how long?

      Now consider what your thoughts are. When should he be over his infatuation? How messy will his breakup be, and does that matter to you? Do you think he will be able to go back to being devoted to you, or has his wandering eye (and perhaps other body parts), having been awoken, be a problem hereafter?

      This won’t be easy, but you need to set some deadlines for you and for him. What life-events are coming up? When does he graduate? When might you move back to his area? How much more can you take?

      I don’t envy your position. This will be a tough time, but remember that you are far stronger than you have imagined. Stay strong and believe in your value, your worth, and your future.

      • smilebigalways 1 October 2014 at 3:30 pm #

        Hello

        Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.
        We talked last night and he admitted that he is using her. but he misses me. I plan to move back within an year and I think by the time I move back, things will be better. I think his break up will be messy but i will be there to support him through it. it does feel things will pass but it will take a lot of time.
        Thanks again
        SmileBigAlways

      • philosiblog 8 October 2014 at 3:31 am #

        I’m glad that things appear to be working out for you. Of course, it’s not over until it is over, but hopefully he is being honest and all will work out. Keep up the communication, and stay strong.

  16. Heather 28 September 2014 at 12:24 pm #

    Hello
    I dated a man for 2 years. He was married for 24 and I was married for 5. We both had difficult divorces and found comfort in each other. He pursued me and we fell deeply in love. He told me I was his future and then several months ago he changed. He didn’t want to talk about the future. He wanted to live in theoment . I asked about a commitment and he said he didn’t want one. I have a 6 year old who was getting more attached to him. He has a 14 year old. We broke up again for 24 hours and then reconciled because I said i didn’t want to know a life without him. He told me if he gets a promotion out of state in 4 years after his son finished high school that he would take it and leave. I finally got the courage almost 3 weeks ago to let him go. He was very clear ” I don’t want a commitment and you do”. I asked about 10 years from now and he said he didn’t want to dangle a carrot and say yes.
    How does a man tell you that he never loved someone as much before and let’s you walk away. I am so confused and in so much pain. I haven’t made contact. He texted me about an award and that is all. I am off Facebook for good and thankfully have a busy life but I break down crying every night. Please help

    • philosiblog 1 October 2014 at 4:20 am #

      That, sadly, is one of the problems with dating while in turmoil. Both of you found something you were missing after your divorces in each-other. It appears he healed from his divorce, and is headed on his own path, possibly without you. You seem to have taken him as husband, in spirit at least, and never really healed from the trauma of your divorce.

      Time will help you heal, both from your divorce and from this relationship. Until you heal, I don’t believe you will be able to move forward with your life. Moving from relationship to relationship, trying to fill a void, that is probably not your best path forward.

      It will be hard for you, but everyone is far stronger than they imagine. You can survive this. You may even be able to understand, if not forgive him and his attitude. But you will survive. You will get better, and you will get stronger. And the sadness will give way to fond memories, as the good times are remembered, and the bad times fade away.

      • Heather 1 October 2014 at 7:44 pm #

        Thank you for your response. I don’t agree. I didn’t date while in turmoil in fact my therapist who I have seen for. 4 years told me to get out there. I had been a year out if my divorce. This man had only been 6 months with a 24 year marriage. To me it feels like he liked the see the girlfriend ever other weekend and that’s where it stopped. If he was like this at the onset I would not have invested so much emotionally. I did not treat him like a husband in fact I only wanted to know after two years that we had a commitment . At the beginning he told me I was his future and he wrote letters and bought the 5 love languages to read together.

      • philosiblog 8 October 2014 at 3:34 am #

        Ultimately, it is your life, and your decision. You know the details far better than I, and you know your heart. Follow it as best you can, and stay true to yourself.

        Thanks for writing back, especially given that you disagree. I’m glad to hear that you are thinking about what I said, and finding that it doesn’t fit well with your life. Never stop doing that!

  17. andi 28 September 2014 at 11:41 pm #

    I just found out my fiance has been cheating on me for the past 3 months I found cause he went to jail for traffic tickets I went through his phone and found texts he tells me he will explain everything when he gets out and that he still loves me and wants to marry me but he’s still talking to this other person I don’t know what to do I love him so much..

    • philosiblog 1 October 2014 at 4:26 am #

      Um, if he’s in jail because he can’t stop breaking traffic laws, I would suggest that he has issues beyond your ability to help. If he can’t keep his hands off others, that’s another reason to walk away. If he has to ‘explain’ his actions, odds are high that what he gives you are lies he has rehearsed in his absence.

      What you do depends on what you value. But everything you have related states that he does not value you as anything other than a good time. If the relationship has progressed to the point of being engaged, and he is still behaving like this, I would suggest you take a moment and reconsider your future.

      You are strong enough to survive without him. I would even be so bold as to say you can do better for yourself and your future family by finding someone else. Yes you love him, and you always will. But you can move on, and find room in your heart for someone who deserves someone like you.

  18. Lulu 30 September 2014 at 11:19 pm #

    I recently let go with the philisophy of “if he comes back”…

    And this verse is truly how I loved him, deep in my heart: 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7

    I have been dating someone for two years who has been a widow for over 14 years now and has a 25 year old daughter that still lives at home with him. I’m in my early 50’s and he’s in his late 50’s. His daughter initially loved me coming over. She would go to dinner with us, or breakfast, we would talk. But after our first year of dating she really started becoming very jealous of me, and this has continued through this past year. It started because her dad asked if she would move to the front bathroom since she had been showering, doing her make up, hair, etc. in his master bedroom ever since her mother passed away. And now that I was staying over most weekends, she was always knocking on the door to come in and shower, or to do her make-up. So I had asked him why she doesn’t have her own bathroom, and commented on how important it was for us to have our privacy. That was a rough couple of months because she was mad at him, hated me and the house was tense all the time.

    The unfortunate part is he always says he doesn’t want to create waves with his daughter, so he prefers to ignore things, and asked me to just ignore it, and don’t say anything to her. I recently found out said told him that she was tired of me coming between the two of them. I use to always say hi to her, she would not respond. I would buy her Christmas and birthday gifts, she never said thank you. And I end up frustrated with him because of her actions, which ultimately affected our relationship. I decided after her birthday several months back when I took a cake and bouquet of flowers to his office for her and never heard a word from her that she even received them. I was fed up and decided that I was done saying hi or ackhowledging her when I went to his house.

    To add to all this, there are pictures in almost every room and a very large collage of pictures of his wife and himself in the family room. Initially I didn’t mention any of the pictures, but several months back I asked if he would consider moving, not removing, just moving the large collage and maybe putting it in his office. His initial response was he understood, then days later he was mad. Then he said he would talk it over with his daughter and let me know. Of course this turned into a remodel project, buying all new office furniture, etc. which took over two months. Then in the end he said he decided he didn’t want to move the picture, and why does it matter to me because she’s dead, and she’s not a threat to me. My reply was simply, I would just prefer not to sit with you and always see this collage of pictures. It’s been two years that we have been dating and I want to feel that we are continuing to move forward. And I feel that you can’t move forward when you are continually reminded of and living in the past. The house for the most part has remained as it was since she passed away. I added that I felt this wasn’t healthy for himself or his daughter to have all of these reminders after all these years. And that I also knew how much he loved his wife, but that I want to be a part of his life now and a part of his future, not just a part in his life. We have even talked about marriage.

    But last month everything changed. We went away for a week long vacation, I drove over to his house, parked my car in the garage, and his daughter ran out to him furious that I parked my car in the garage. He asked me to move my car and I refused. I’m at a point where I have just had it. We drove off had our vacation, along with a very long discussion about all of these issues and how I felt frustrated that he allows her to be so disrespectful to me and childish to say it nicely.

    When we got back things didn’t feel right. I mentioned I needed time to think about everything. He was mad at me. We ended up breaking things off, and of course started talking and texting off and on. I found out he went on a date, and he said he didn’t know what he wanted to do with our relationship. We connected the past couple of weekends where he came to my house Saturday and stayed over. We were supposdely back together and working on things, but he started ignorning my calls and text messages. I said I can’t do this anymore with being in the “unknown stage”. I needed to know if he wanted to work on our relationship and do this, or not. He said he couldn’t answer the question. My reply, “You Just Did”, and I then walked away.

    Now a week later, the longest and hardest week ever! I know deep in my heart I had to let go. And honestly, I don’t think things would ever work out while his daughter remains living in the house. I would not ever want to come between them, but I feel that I’m in a position right now where he won’t stand up for me and she doesn’t like me being there, so it’s a no win situation for me. And I would never ask him to choose between us because that is something no one should ever ask of a parent and their child. I have two kids of my own. Who by the way have always been respectful to him.

    So, at this point, I am trying to stand strong and know that I can’t allow myself to be treated this way. And if he truly loves me, he will come around and want to stand by my side and not have me on the sideline!

    I too thank you for your replies, and have been reading through these to find strength and support to stand strong.

    My heart is broken and very heavy right now…

    • philosiblog 8 October 2014 at 3:28 am #

      That is a terrible situation to be in. However, if he cannot respect you, then it is hard to make the case that he deserves someone as nice as you.

      Maintain your strength, and continue on with your life. You cannot change him, he must change himself. It is out of your hands, and it appears that you understand. My thoughts will be with you as you work through this time of change.

  19. Gloria 5 October 2014 at 3:06 pm #

    Being friends with someone who claims to like you and whom you like and maybe even love is not easy. I’ve tried being friends that way with a guy and he claims relationships don’t work out so let’s stick to best friends. This “best friend” thing gets tiring at times since he almost acts like my boyfriend and he does the same with other girls too. So I think it’s better if I just let him go, but it’s like I’m losing a friend too. For me it’s all or nothing. There isn’t any in between like this right now. What do I do? He doesn’t understand my feelings.

    • philosiblog 8 October 2014 at 3:50 am #

      Sounds like a communication breakdown. His definition of friends and yours appear to be different.

      I would start with a serious discussion and inform him of your limits. You aren’t dictating to him what he must do, just what you will do if he does something beyond your definition. If he can abide by your agreed definitions, perhaps you can stay. If he insists on using his definition and you don’t agree, or he can’t stick to yours, it would appear to be over.

      How does that sound?

  20. meghan 6 October 2014 at 2:56 am #

    i read this because my boyfriend broke up with me. we were our first loves and never have been with anyone else. lately we have been so busy and arguing over that. i also have been upset with his choice of friends, who gave him poor guidence and lead him to trouble and told him to end it with me just beacuse they didnt like me… this lead him to want to break up. he said he just wants time to put himself first because all he thinks about is seeing me and is having trouble in school because of it. he also wants to live the life of single, not the single part of getting girls really, but not having to report in and think of me in the back of his head when making choices to do things because i am so overbearing. he doesnt want to label it a break because he wants to let me go and said this very meaning found on this page “if you love something set it free”. at first i was very wary especially because i love him so much. i think though because of this break or breakup or whatever we are gonna call it has already made things better and our bond stronger. we are still friends and i realized not to argue over petty things and have learned how to balance your love and life. hoepfully we end up back together after we take some space away from being in a long term relationship and learn to keep a balanced life. wether it be with eachother later in life or with someone else i know what to do and what not to push

    • philosiblog 8 October 2014 at 3:59 am #

      Life is a series of learning experiences. It sounds like you have learned quite a bit recently. Take some time while he is away and consider what you have learned, and how you will apply it to the next time you are with someone (either him or another). And take some time for yourself, as you don’t have to worry about him, and do something you wanted to do, but he didn’t.

      Stay strong, and take this as a chance to grow and become a better person.

  21. Gloria 8 October 2014 at 5:27 am #

    Not to make him sound bad but to put it out there he’s an egotist. Discussing with him only shows him I care and makes me feel vulnerable. He lives off this feeling because he craves power more than anything and I’m being an enabler. I just want to be indifferent and let him go, so that I can continue with my life.

    • philosiblog 10 October 2014 at 4:06 am #

      Everyone has needs, and he has chosen a way to get what he believes meets his needs. Unfortunately, his path and your path diverge. Life is like that sometimes.

      Glad to hear you are being strong in the face of these changes. I hope to hear from you again soon. There are plenty of other posts to browse. 8)

      • Gloria 11 October 2014 at 6:24 pm #

        I’ve distanced myself from him but he keeps coming back. He tries to make college difficult for me and because of this I’m suffering from clinical depression. I try to explain that I’m sensitive and need to be spoken to nicely and he just doesn’t understand. And he’s extremely selfish. I don’t want to make it a big issue in college. How do I solve this?

      • philosiblog 14 October 2014 at 5:35 am #

        It sounds like you have tried subtle, and it has not worked. He sounds like a bit of a bully, and you may have to reach him at his own level. Failing that, you can talk to a counselor and try to find out what actions you can take. It may require you taking out a restraining order (or some other protective action from the police or court system). Somehow you have to convince him that you are serious.

        It doesn’t sound like the situation will improve until you can get through to him. What method is appropriate requires more knowledge of the situation than I have. You will have to figure out what you are willing to do to protect yourself. And then you will have to do it.

        Stay strong. You have more strength within you than you know or understand.

  22. nupi 8 October 2014 at 10:54 pm #

    There is this guy i met and from the first day we met we couldnt stop talking to each other and we became closer and closer… then at a certain point we always had arguments and it was always the same. It was like destiny was causing problems, but everytime we would get through it and our friendship would become better and we would become closer. We even started some kind of “dating/hang out” i couldnt make the difference. And one day he told me he loves me and i loved him too but things were just so difficult and he just knew i loved him. We both come from a strict culture and he knew i didnt want a boyfriend, but its not that he was searching for a girlfriend… he didnt know what he wanted and i didnt either and things became so weird. Now at university we’re barely abely to talk to each other because its just so complicated and weird. And i love him so so much, my heart beats faster when i see him and all that stuff. And sometimes hes the sweetestest guy on earth while sometimes he is really really mean and makes me cry and doubt myself. Im a shy introvert and he is an extrovert and one day we were arguing so much that we started ignoring each other. He wanted to save our friendship so he came to me and said he wanted to talk about it to solve it. And shy as i am, i couldnt talk and i couldnt say a thing and at a certain moment i just wanted to cry and he was hurt and that was the time he decided he had to let me go and he did. And i knew what he was thinking, maybe because i loved him. And i tried to let go, too. But one day after some months i couldnt take it anymore because i kept dreaming of him and i just sent him a little message wishing him a good holiday… and some days after that he came to me and we met and we talked about everything that happened. But one thing changed and its the way he treats me. He is trying to tell me in every language and in every way that were just friends and it hurts like hell because i am still in love with him. He wants me as a friend only he says, it seems like he fell out of love. Sometimes i just think he was playing games then i think no its not possible because everything seemed so real and i just dont know what to do. He tells me there happened something with him that made him close his heart for everyone and to forget about love for a while, and i… i am just dying of it and waiting for the better to come but w grew apart and he let me go because he said he has issues. I dont know what to do.

    • philosiblog 14 October 2014 at 5:04 am #

      It sounds like he has made his decision. The question is how you are going to respond. I presume you understand that he has left the relationship as you knew it, and that things have changed.

      While you could try to change his mind, it sounds like you already have, and to no avail. The question is what will you do now?

      My suggestion is that you make a list of things you wanted to do, but didn’t have the time to do in the past. That might be traveling to somewhere he wasn’t interested in going, or visiting a shop where he didn’t want to spend time. Or you could take up a hobby or learn a skill for which you just didn’t have time.

      You deserve to be the best person you are able to become. That applies today, as well as every day after that. Learn something new. Try something you haven’t tried before. Take a look at what didn’t go well in your life, and find a new way to try doing it.

      Through all of it, remain true to yourself, and remember that you have strength within you which you have hardly touched. And no matter how strong you think you are, there is still more strength within you. Believe it, and believe in yourself.

      Your future is yours to create. It can be one of misery and despair, or of happiness and joy. You must make that decision. Make the right one for you, and then stand by it.

  23. Kimberly 10 October 2014 at 11:00 pm #

    Hey, I just wanted to leave an update and something that I’ve learned.

    Well for the update- My ex fiance started to stalk me and showed up at my house and there was a domestic dispute. I tried to be nice but I told him that we were never getting back together and that we were on different chapters in our life’s journey. So, I let go of the guilt. And it helped also to not feel guilty because he had posted pictures all over social media or him and a new woman as he was crying to me.

    I’m now engaged again to my daughter’s dad. And we are now also spending 6 months in separate states for financial reasons. That was hard at first but it is now — easy.

    What I learned was that I really truly– deeply sucked at communicating my feelings. My heart was on my sleeve. I was way to edgy and quick to become angry if I felt any threat of losing him or whatever the insane form of intimacy is when we text— I love you —–and then don’t get a response …. for a few hours. but those few hours seemed like forever. (( The maybe I’m not important enough thoughts creep in)) Maybe he feels different about me now then the false pride of —I deserve better than this. I don’t like being ignored.

    So when he does finally respond
    it’s why are we even doing this??
    Nothing but negative energy and doubt and that pushes the other person away. The blame and shame game also pushes them away. but forgiveness and fixing my insecurities was the needed medicine.

    Also, it’s better to just go ahead and tell a person in the best way to describe it — Exactly how you feel ——that they melt you– that they take your breath away.

    I never had the guts to say any of that stuff before and I had wayyyy too much pride to see my own faults or to deal with my own insecurities, but that’s made all the difference in all the relationships in my life.

    Oh, how hard it was to realize that the world didn’t revolve around my emotions and that I needed to change. It’s easy to see fault in others but not so easy to see fault where we should by looking in the mirror.

    I made those changes and now I’m going to marry the man I’m in love with and I can honestly say I can’t even wrap my mind around why or how we even made it back to each other. I’m so grateful. I feel so blessed, and I’m so happy.

    I hope this helps someone.

    <3

    • philosiblog 14 October 2014 at 5:23 am #

      Sometimes life just works out that way. Your paths brought you back together. Not everyone is so lucky, but I am truly happy for you.

  24. bbylove 13 October 2014 at 1:35 am #

    well me an this boy been together for a year an a half we meet up during the summer an spent every day an time together we had fun, we always texted eachothers an oovoo an we was in love but couple months he had to go back to his hometown an I had to start school so we made promises to eachothers that we will always stay in touch an want find nobody else soo we stay together when he got back to his hometown it was hard cause we couldnt see eachothers or do nothing but a month after that I got on Facebook I went on his profile an he had lots of girls saying they love him an stuff like that an he would say it back…….so I got jaelous an ask him about it he usually say oh they my best friends or sum like that so I believed him but them 2 months later he posted saying he need someone cuddle with him an I got mad an felt some type of way so me an him agured about tht then we broke up but he said we could back together when he move back where I live soo we made a promise then couple months after I text him sometimes we had good converstations then we agure like lastnight he said he love me but he don’t wanna jump into a relationship as soon as he get back an he had me over here waiting on him since the day he went back to his hometown an now telling me this then I was like wow then he said goodnight he love me*I didn’t say it back an today we agure all morning an just now I ask him what he mean by tht he said we can’t get back together an I was like why then he said he gotta let go what happen up there an see what happen down here an I said Wht you mean by tht he said Hr gotta let go of the love ones an he want tell me nothing else an I’m all confuse I really love him he means the world to me I just don’t know what to do I tryed an tryed to tell him how I feel but nun never works out:( please help me out

    • philosiblog 15 October 2014 at 5:00 am #

      It sounds like he has already made the decision to end the relationship. You can either fight the rising tide, or you can make adjustments. The choice is yours. Neither way will be painless, and neither way will be easy.

      However, if you continue to fight, you will likely lose, and then still have to deal with the breakup. Your pain and hurt will be compounded. The choice is yours.

      As you asked for my advice, I would council that you should move on with your life. It will not be pleasant, but you can do it. You have the strength, if you will reach within and take hold of it.

  25. Jennifer 13 October 2014 at 6:21 am #

    I agree with you completely. I just lost the person that i love not too long ago, and i would love to know your perspective on this. Its a long story but please bare with me. I met this guy a few months ago. Everything was normal at first, until i had traumatic incident, that caused me to have severe Panic disorder and PTSD. I was such an a bad state that i was forced to drop everything; college, work, friends. And as a result, i ended up in the ER 7 times and had to be monitored. Anyways this guy was there for me, caring enough to deal with my situation. But due to the trauma i couldnt be around him much, i was scared all the time and i didnt feel safe anywhere and with anybody but family. So i pushed him away by making up excuses to avoid him. Until one day he had enough and told me he couldnt deal with this anymore. That it hurt him that i would do this to him knowing that he loved me. So he stop talking to me.
    I was upset but i accepted, i wasnt aware at that time how much i really did loved him. Surprisingly 2 weeks later he texts me back and tells me that hes sorry and once again hes back in my life. Shortly after the same cycle starts repeating itself. And once again he tells me he cannot deal with me constantly pushing him away. I got angry and told him he was selfish for only thinking for himself and not being considerate of my situation . After arguing and saying the worst things to each other we stop talking for good. Flash forward 3 months which is now, and i decide to text him. Im more stable and could think clearly now that i was going to therapy. I couldnt stop thinking of him the whole time, i was constantly reminded of him and what used to be. I felt guily for what i said to him and how deeply sadden i was and am for loosing him. Eventhough sometimes i was indenial. I thought maybe i could get over him by talking to other people but i failed at each attempt. When id send the text, i appologized and told him i was sorry and if we could ever be friends, he said yes.
    I was extremely happy but not for long until he broke the news to me he was in already in a relationship. It broke my heart like you cant imagine. Its just hard to understand how he moved on so quick. I thought things would be back to normal, and that we could finally be happy but i was so wrong and stupid to think that. So i told him i would leave him alone for good. In the last message , i said that i had always loved him this whole time (i never told him that before). So I let him go. Its been 4 days since our last text, and im devastated. It hurts too much to let him go. I truly believe he still loves me and that hes just confused right now. Did i do the right thing by setting him free?

    • philosiblog 15 October 2014 at 5:48 am #

      That depends on how you are doing. Is it fair for you to put him through everything you’re going through? What will his days and nights be like while you are recovering? He has been through that twice, and couldn’t take it then.

      I believe that, for the moment, this is the better way for things to be. You need time to heal, and he needs time to recover. Two hurting people who are having a hard enough time dealing with their own hurt will not, in my opinion, help themselves or each-other by trying to make a relationship work.

      Take some time to get better. When you are back on your feet and doing well, then consider if you are ready for a relationship. One step at a time has worked well for me. How about you? Do you want to try to help yourself, help him, and rebuild your relationship at the same time?

      Only time will tell whether it was the best decision. Second-guessing at this point is probably not the best thing for you to do. 8)

  26. Chris 13 October 2014 at 1:20 pm #

    Hi there, i’d like to share my story with you if you don’t mind and see what response you give me.
    Im 33 years old and I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years. we have 4 children together but now are currently separated. Its been 2 months already. And a rough 2 months at that. at first it wasn’t so bad because it seemed temporary but this last month its starting to seem as this may last a bit longer. The real issue we have had is my inability to be a provider for her and my kids. I’ve held jobs down before and made great money, but there in the last couple years jobs have been tough to come by. She currently is living with her parents and I am living with my father. There is no way of us being back together due to our parents and our current marital situation, unless we get our own place. But through this time I’ve noticed my wife has changed quite a bit. She seems very detached emotionally even when here recently I’ve poured my heart out letting her know just how much I feel for her. She says she still loves me and texts and calls me everyday. She says there is a future for us if and when we can get our own place, but with my current job status im not entirely sure when that will be. Im working, just not making enough. Im working also on finding a better job. She works and I work so there has been very little time for us to see each other which frustrates me a little so I guess I have to deal with a phone relationship and enjoy the time I can see her. You can probably already guess I’ve cried my eyes out and have gone through very sleepless nights feeling very alone and just a soul crushing pain. I really do love this woman. I hope the change im seeing isn’t her finding a new flame in someone else. She has told me that we have become very structured and she wants to be more care free and unpredictable at times.
    What could you tell me to help put my mind at ease to maybe help me move forward with my marriage or prepare for a devore (God forbid)
    Thank you

    • philosiblog 15 October 2014 at 6:21 am #

      It sounds like you have the basics figured out. And believe me when I say I have an idea what you are going through. I’ve been between jobs before, and it is not a fun time. With the future of your family on the line, it’s probably quite a bit worse.

      Have you considered being a little more spontaneous around her? Have you considered other things you could do? Not knowing your skills and aptitudes, I can’t help much about job ideas, but at this point, anything is probably better than nothing.

      Stay strong, keep up your faith in yourself, and keep working. Getting a job is a full time job, right? 8)

      • Chris 27 October 2014 at 1:03 am #

        hey there I thought I would give you an update on my situation. So since I last talked to you I have found out that while going through that period where she shuff off completely she ended up sleeping with another man. I instantly forgave her because I hoped we could move passed that and try and focus on us.

        Since I last talked to you the job search has been fruitful as I have a job interview 10/29/14. A few days from now. Since our last talk we have gone out to various places on Friday and Saturday nights and have spent a lot of time together. I know all the details about why she slept with the other guy and she said it was a mistake. She really hasn’t given me any reason to doubt her as she has called me very frequently kind of reassuring me that she isn’t with someone else. Unfortunately the guy she slept with live right across the street from her :( But she insists nothing more is going on, but I’ve noticed a few things.

        First when I’ve gone to her house to pick her up to go out I notice she glances over at the house where he lives. She does it almost like she is sneaking a peak over at the house….maybe to see if he is outside??? or if he is looking???? Also, she has been very territorial over her phone. like there is possibly somethings n there but does not want me to see. I had a chance to look at it and I didn’t see anything on there that was suspicious but it worries me why she would be territorial over her phone. She never was before.

        I guess the guy who she slept with about a week ago or a little longer had went over to her house to try and get her back over to his where she told me she told him “me and my husband are trying to work things out and I cant be one foot in this, I have to have both feet in trying to fix my marriage”. He went on to tell her “just one last time, no one will know”. but she replied “but i’ll know and I don’t want that on my conscious”.

        Im trying now to recover trust with someone I love deeply but at the same time I know there is a guy across the street from my wife trying to bone her any chance he gets. She says shehasn’t heard from him in like 2 weeks or so.
        Am I being over dramatic on this?

      • philosiblog 5 November 2014 at 2:59 am #

        Sorry to be so long in replying, life has been a bit hectic. I hope the interview went well.

        There is no way of knowing in advance how honest she has been about her past, nor about what is going on now. I have no way of determining whether she is being honest or not, nor do you. You either trust her, or you do not. That said, being observant, and pointing out to her how suspicious her actions are, might just get you the information you need to make a decision. If she flat out refuses to show you her phone, when she did before, you should ask her why she is behaving in this manner, and what has changed.

        Short of hiring someone to watch his place and see if she goes there or he goes to visit her, you will have to go with your gut instinct and resolve to live with the consequences. Stay strong, and see this through to the end, which ever way that might lead you.

  27. Kevin 14 October 2014 at 5:05 pm #

    Hi there, me and my girfriend dated for about 15 months. The first 7 months were perfect and then it got complicated because she stopped trying to make me feel appreciated. And the fighting never stopped, the more I fought, the less she tried. But I never left, eventually she did. Which I totally understand.

    Fast forward 3 months later, we barely spoke. Actually we never spoke. Except for this one time when she “accidentally” texted me. But a few weeks later, she called me and invited me to a show. I went with her because deep inside I still love her and would forgive and do anything for her on any day. The only question is does she still love me? Why did she decide to come back into my life 3 months later?

    Since then we talk everyday, yesterday she came to visit me at work. And we’re basically close friends now. We never talk about the past and we never talk about what this is as of right now.

    I’m just really confused because I still love her….

    • philosiblog 15 October 2014 at 6:26 am #

      I don’t know what you are at this time. She is probably trying to get over how you treated her, and hoping that things go better this time. She probably came back because she missed you, and wanted to give it another chance.

      Take it easy, and try to avoid falling into bad patterns again. If you notice one of those patterns, like feeling unappreciated, do something different. Talk to her, but don’t get angry. In my experience, if you expect someone to do things for you, but you don’t do them in return (in the manner that they wish), things will eventually get ugly. If you start withholding what they want because you aren’t getting what you want, it will get ugly fast.

      Stay strong, and be kind. Try to exceed her every expectation, at least every once in a while. 8)

  28. Suz 15 October 2014 at 8:57 am #

    Hello! This is such a wonderful article and idea in itself! My situation is this: I have a very – to some notorious – to me real and unexpected “relationship” issue that I have been dealing with for a year and few months. I am 26 and I am seeing a married man. I know it is wrong and I swear I never thought I would end up in this “mess”. And would actually enjoy this mess. I have previously had only one 8 year long relationship and marriage is very important for me. But it “happened”. We love each other, for real. Undeniably, he loves his wife too. I am not sure if that is possible, but people say it is. It all began innocent (as it always does). But I swear I never felt such an instant connection with anyone. He and this connection is so precious to me. I am sure you understand, that feeling you experience once in your life. We have been very sincere with each other since the beginning. No blind promises, keeping it real, that “naked truth”. Meaning, he cannot leave his wife. Not now. I dont want him to. Part of it is, when he met me, his marriage was 2 years long and happy. He never thought he would look at other women. His wife also moved here from across the ocean (we live in Europe but they are both from abroad). That is the second part of it. I know I am not just a distraction for him and he is just not “having fun”. We want happiness for each other. This honesty brought us so close together we became the closest person to each other. He put an effort to get to know me better, that when I am upset and not even sitting next to him he laughs “Common tell me what is going on, I can feel you”. Each day we see each other he wants to know me. I can really be myself around him. When i am sad or happy. He wants to know about my life and genuinely cares. I have cut it off many times, but each time we got back together. My problem is, as much as I dont want to be a pain for anyone, i dont want to lose him. I would love to be so strong to look into his eyes and say I want all your happiness (and i want mine too). I dont want to feel the pain when he talks to me about his wife. I genuinely want to be so strong to let go but not with pain, with happiness. I know I found my soulmate and I take him as a very precious person. I just know, I have to let go, to see if this was meant to me. Do you have an advice on how to grow so strong to be GENUINELY happy for him regardless of the situation? Thank you so much!

    • philosiblog 19 October 2014 at 2:18 am #

      It’s nice to see you recognize the situation you are in, and that you are unwilling to cause others pain because of it.

      The trick, in my experience, is to remember why you are doing these things. It is for their benefit, not yours. You are being unselfish and thinking of them and their needs before yourself and your needs. You’ll be fine as long as you can remember that.

      The question is how will you manage to do that? Trying to suppress an emotion rarely works. Switching an emotion, that is another matter entirely. Have you seen the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark? Do you remember the scene where he tries to swap a bag of sand for an idol? That’s what you are trying to do. Trade your desires for his. Your needs for his.

      It’s not much, but it’s the best I got. I wish you well in your endeavor, and hope you never have to choose between wrecking his family or walking away.

      • Mickey92 21 October 2014 at 2:46 am #

        My boyfriend broke up with me because of distance. The problem is I’m only 2 hrs away. He never communicated well and recently stop coming to see me even though I’ve been home to see him . He says he doesn’t know what he wants but when he broke up with me he was crying just as much as I was..I don’t understand

      • philosiblog 23 October 2014 at 4:12 am #

        It sounds like he does not either. Life can be that way sometimes. A relationship takes two, and if he isn’t ready, then it’s no longer a relationship. Now you have to decide what to do.

        You can try to patch things up, hoping it was just a moment of frustration. But what if it wasn’t? Are you ready to walk away? If you aren’t, how far are you willing to go? How far will you go next time? The time after that? How many times will you fight, and how crazy and obsessed are you willing to become?

        Yes, that’s the far extreme reaction. But where on that spectrum are you? Closer to crazy or closer to letting him go? How do you expect that to change over time? Where do you fit on the scale of logic to emotion? Eventually, you will have to come up with a plan, and then do what you planned. Even if that’s walking away and not looking back.

        You will have to determine what your path will be. No one can do that for you, and no one else will have to live with the consequences. Take some time to consider both the logic and the emotion. Take some time to determine how you wish to proceed. But remember that you are stronger than you imagine. Use that strength wisely and for the betterment of your life. You deserve the best, from others as well as from yourself. Be strong, and be excellent.

  29. Heather 20 October 2014 at 7:41 pm #

    I really love this article and that quote really speaks to me. I try to let it guide my thinking to help me let go when/if my love isn’t returned. I’ve recently had my heart broken and I would definitely appreciate some feedback to help give me some more clarity, as I have been thinking about this probably more than I should. First for some context, I’m 22 and although that is quite young I’m a very reflective person and I’ve been through many trying times that I’ve grown enormously from. This also isn’t my first heartbreak. My situation: I started off friends with this guy – he was a friend of a friend and we met in a casual group setting. At the time I met him I was a month or so past my last break up and I was in a really good place. I was enjoying my independence and the most important thing to me at the time was taking care of myself and enjoying my time with those I cared about (friends and family). I had very little interest in dating again for awhile so when I met this guy I had no intention of developing feelings for him. We ended up hanging out in group settings weekly playing soccer or hanging out playing board games and such at my apartment and it quickly became apparent to me that he had interest in me. He continued to show interest, asked to hang out one on one (because we both played music). He tried to kiss me about two months after we first met and at that point I still wasn’t ready to cross that line of being more than friends even though I knew I was starting to develop feelings for him. My logic was that we could delay and keep getting to know each other and see if it’s really something we both want because once we cross that line it will be very difficult to go back to being friends. When I didn’t kiss him he said he liked me and that wasn’t going to change but he’d have no problem continuing to be friends and waiting until I was ready. After that our friendship grew closer, we hung out more frequently, and he was always very supportive, attentive, interested in what I had to say, shared things about himself, always treated me with respect, I told him things about me that only my closest friends and family know and he seemed to accept me 100%. It felt like a very mutual and healthy friendship. About a month later I felt ready to cross that line because I felt like we really knew and understood each other and I always felt so accepted and happy when I was with him and I really liked the person that he was. We had a lot in common and I enjoyed how we could talk for hours and how time seemed to go by so fast when we were together. Our first kiss was amazing and the chemistry was so strong and so palpable. I had never experienced before what it felt like to feel so connected to someone ( to not just have the chemistry but to know and accept and admire the person I was kissing so much). I was still in no rush towards a relationship and put no pressure on things. I just wanted to enjoy this new phase we were in. We went on a date a few days later and spent more days together and all the time we spent with each other was incredible. I was extremely confident that he had very strong feelings for me as he had no reservations about showing it (for example: when he invited me to watch a football game at his house and he had his arm around me or on my hand the entire time in front of his closest friends). Less than two weeks after our first kiss though (also right after he started classes for his final year at University) he decided that he didn’t want a relationship because he was too busy and also that he felt emotionally guarded because he took his last breakup really hard and didn’t fully feel over it. I felt so blindsided by this all because it wasn’t like I had pursued him. I was the one pulling back the reigns and he was the one showing interest and making an effort to spend a lot of time with me and being patient with me not being ready for more than a friendship. I feel good about how I handled the situation because I didn’t get angry with him, I just listened to what he had to say and tried to understand where he was coming from. I respected him being honest with me and I tried to accept what he was saying as he said it rather than trying to change his mind or convince him he felt otherwise. He was surprised I didn’t get mad or start yelling at him and said that it shows how great I am. I told him how I felt about him and that I wanted to be with him and put all my feelings on the line without needing anything in return, I just didn’t want to regret him not knowing. He ultimately said he decided to stop having feelings for me because he just didn’t think it would work out and he’d rather end things now then later down the line when it would be a lot more painful for both of us. I may not have shown how upset and hurt I was by the situation but it broke my heart that he didn’t want to be with me or take the chance. He said he really liked me and wanted to stay friends and I said I didn’t think I could go back to friends when I have strong feelings for him now. It’s been a few weeks since that talk and we’ve made no contact. I’m trying to continue to accept the reality and I feel like maybe I’ve made sense out of it and that he was emotionally unavailable because he hadn’t healed from his past heartbreak and he wants to feel again the way he felt about her and since he didn’t feel that way for me he decided it wasn’t worth giving a shot. It however, is confusing to me why he seemed to like me so much and why he put in all that effort and why he kissed me and looked at me with such passion and intensity suggesting he really liked me, and why he liked and accepted who I am as a person and also felt very attracted to me and had chemistry with me and then decided it wasn’t worth a shot and that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. I didn’t change and I was true to myself the entire time. It’s discouraging to feel like I handled the whole situation maturely and was true to myself and I still ended up with my heart broken. I know it’s probably best to move on and not be friends with him again but it’s hard to accept that because I really enjoyed having him as a friend. I’m just afraid I’ll get caught up wondering if his feelings for me will change and I don’t want to put myself through that.

    Any advice or insight would be great! Thanks :)

    • philosiblog 23 October 2014 at 4:01 am #

      Many times men pursue something which is of interest. Sometimes when they catch what they are after, they find it more than they expected. Perhaps he thought he was ready for a new relationship, and then freaked when things went so smoothly. He might have found out he just wasn’t ready, even though in his own mind, he was convinced that it was time to try again.

      No matter how well you behave, a relationship takes two. If the other person isn’t as mature and grounded as you are, you’re going to have a rough time. Sadly, that’s just how it works.

      At least you know yourself and can comport yourself with grace and character. Stay strong, and someone worthy of you will come. Don’t settle for less than the best in them, or in yourself.

  30. Blake 23 October 2014 at 7:04 am #

    Calling bullshit on this one. Here’s what the quote should say:

    If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it isn’t yours forever, it’ll probably just leave again, I mean it left once already, why didn’t you learn your lesson?

    • philosiblog 26 October 2014 at 10:11 pm #

      That does happen. Been there, thought that. However, eventually I came to believe cynical attitudes don’t help much. Hopefully in time, you will come to that same conclusion.

      In the mean time, I have counseled someone to that exact end. He stole away the wife of another, and then was shocked when someone else stole her away from him just a few years later. Karma can be quite pointed in it’s lessons at times.

      The important question, to me, is to find an attitude which is helpful, or to learn a lesson. If that is the lesson you wish to learn, and an attitude which helps you deal with the world, so be it. I hope with time you will find other lessons to learn from this experience, and other attitudes to help you deal with what has happened.

      Thanks for stopping by and for presenting a different viewpoint. I hope to hear from you again.

  31. bobbyb 26 October 2014 at 12:02 pm #

    hya, ok here is my story, il try and keep it shirt as possible. 3 years ago i got with a girl i have lived all my life. we have been best mates since we were 8 years old. when we got together i was so so happy. we are both 29 now. 3 months ago i notice she is acting different around me, i look in to this and find out she has been cheating going on dating site and messaging guys, swapping pictures etc. i was hurt really bad and we split, she moved out and i said i really dont think i could trust again. 2 days after i found out and we split i find out shes out on a date with a guy posting pictures on line with as you can imagine killed me. i messaged her and all i got off her is that its all my fault and that i never loved her. this is not true as i did everything for this girl and i would of gave my life just to make her happy. i decide to just have some space from each other but last week i find out she has been on holiday with a different guy for a week. again this hurt, i messaged her and asked her if she is in a relationship and she said no. we met and she said she loves me abd nothing happened with this guy. im so confused to what she wants, ive asked her if she wants to try again and she ignores me, i ask her what she wants and she just ends up getting mad at me. so 3 days ago i decided to try this, let her go, and see if she does come to me. is this a good idea? do i go in to no contact and just tell her i cant do this anymore? please help

    • philosiblog 26 October 2014 at 10:25 pm #

      Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time. Relationships have rules. But the only rules which matter are the ones to which you have agreed to follow. If the other person breaks the rules, the relationship is damaged. At some point, if the behavior continues, it becomes broken beyond repair.

      For each person, these rules, and the number of repetitions of breaking the rules it takes to damage or destroy the relationship, will be different. When both people aren’t playing by the same rules, there is no relationship. She damaged it when she started looking for her next boyfriend.

      Open relationships can work, but only if both people agree to the rules. As she seems to think it is fine, but you do not, so the relationship is clearly over (from your view). If you are done, then you are done. If she comes back to you, that is one thing. Pursuing her would be completely different, right?

      The question now is what will you do with yourself? You probably have a little time on your hands. You can spend it trying to figure out what went wrong (which is good, so long as it isn’t obsessive and it helps you do something different next time). Spending some time thinking about that is natural.

      But then what? I like to learn, to grow, to improve myself. What about you? What have you been interested in trying, but didn’t because of her? What things have you wanted to learn or do, in which she had no interest?

      You can spend your time, or you can invest your time. I believe you deserve nothing less than the best, from others, or from yourself. Become the best person you can be at this moment in time.

  32. dubya 26 October 2014 at 1:03 pm #

    hi, thank you for your blog. its so helpful And insightful. ive been with my boyfriend for over a year, and that year has been wonderful, full of growth, learning, love and fun. we live a couple hours apart and he always comes to my area. we’ve also taken multiple trips together. the only thing we havent done is to go together to his city, where he grew up and considers his home base. he told me he shares an apartment with his brother there. A few days ago, I told him I wanted to come to his place finally. he had to go home to take care of something and I just wanted to be with him that night. he told me no, and I demanded to know why. He wouldnt say anything, so I suggested what I had been suspecting for weeks: that he doesnt share an apartment with his brother. he lives at his parents house. he confirmed that was indeed the case. he said he was too embarrassed to tell me when we first got together (he was 26), and then he could never find the right time to break the news. over the past year, we’ve had multiple conversations about how he lives with his brother, how his brothers getting married next week, so my boyfriend has to get his own place soon, etc. now knowing that hes been lying to me all this time I dont know how I cAN trust him with anything else. I dont want to break up with him because I love being with him, but I am also feeling the need to protect myself. what do you think?

    • philosiblog 26 October 2014 at 10:34 pm #

      This is a very interesting situation. I understand how it can be problematic for you to trust someone, once you catch them in a lie. It is even worse, as this has been an ongoing lie, perpetuated over the course of a year. That is a significant issue.

      The next question I would ask you to consider is this: Has he been honest in other areas? What I am getting at is to try to determine if he is a habitual liar, unworthy of trust, or if he was terribly embarrassed, and got stuck in a lie just that once. Can you verify anything else he has ever said, or are there a lot of other things which either don’t add up or have been demonstrated to be lies?

      It comes down to character. He was awfully embarrassed to admit he still lived with his folks. Other than that, is he honest? Is he trustworthy? This, I believe, is at the heart of your question. Only you can answer that.

      As humans, we weigh our options, and sometimes tell a little lie out of kindness or embarrassment. Usually we don’t get caught, but this time, he did. What does it mean to you, that he lied about this thing, and can you forgive him? Can you discuss, openly and frankly, how this lie has impacted you and your ability to trust him? Can you explain to him how much his honesty means to you?

      Ultimately, the decision to stay or go is up to you. Love vs lies. That’s not an easy choice to make. Unless it’s a lot of love, and one small lie. How do you feel about it? Open and honest communication is critical to any relationship. He has stumbled. Will you help him up, or walk away?

      The decision, and the consequences thereof, are yours.

      • dubya 30 October 2014 at 5:03 am #

        Thanks for the aDvice. I have found him to be honest in other areas, and there has been a lot of love, so I decided to let it go and move forward with the relationship. I did let him know, though, how concerned I was and how much gravity deceit holds for me. take care philosopher

      • philosiblog 5 November 2014 at 3:19 am #

        Great. Trust but verify, right? If things continue in the proper direction, I would like to think that the trust can be rebuilt. Thanks for stopping by and giving us an update.

  33. undefine 3 November 2014 at 12:05 am #

    I really dont know to start this.. its so over my mind that i cant seem to get a hold of myself… i have read few stories here… but non so messed up as mine…
    It all started with my gf (24) n i (29) meeting at a party in which we sync by eye. You could say it was like a dreamy story… we dance all night together n which i gave her my cell number (which i gave it to hr wrong cause i just switch to a new plan) i as days past i thought i would never see her again but after two weeks i saw her with her family n by some odd reason she was fixing something with her boots n she looked back n she saw me n she had an extremely glare in her eyes n so did i (my heart felt like it was going to popped out of me) but we couldnt talked since i didnt knew her fam… so we both kept our ways… several days after there was a religious event at our church (note we dont live around the same area i live at least 1 hour away from her walking) and it was there where we actually talked n i gave her my right number. We only talked for a while cause she had to leave. But it wasnt almost mid day where she contact me right away…..* to move forward*…. i told her some important things about my past n she didnt cared.. n she did as well but i wasnt sure it was ok with it.. but either way i stayed n decided to give it a shot… since we had nothing to lose… our relationship kept going till we gave everything to each other before the second month of our relationship…. we confessed to each other that both had n bad previous relationship n we were trying to avoid being hurt again…. she understood that more than i did…. after months past i started picking her at her job.. n there was a small incedent in which my memories from my past came up…. while we were walking from her job n guy showed up. He tapped her n she looked back. N she pushed n went with him but i didnt said much cause i didnt cared…. the conversation wasnt long very very short… when she came back to me i started to play around n forget the incident but she kept silent for a while n when she talked the only thing she said..( he was a cooworker from where i use to work) with that said it trigger my mind n i got furious why? i dont know… i told her i didnt ask who he was…. n i was really mad.. n since then my memories from my past kept coming n coming as if i was seeing the same pattern… i mistreated her by not trusting her in her loyalty to me n respect…. i would insulted her with many ugly names… but she knew deep inside i didnt meant it n that i had to let go of my past… our relationship wasnt easy.. since we had a very limited time to see each other… due to her parents traditional morals.. but we always worked around it n mange it… even several hard situations happen relating with her fam n us.. but we overcame those problems… we experienced many adventures n many spontaneous things to always stay active n speacily lots of very big n very small fun n happt moments…. for at least 4 years of relationship she stayed with me trying to help me overcome my jealousy n my insecurities… several time tried to take a time break in our relationship but we didnt cause we always talked through it…. for almost a years we were like that… it was this year where my stupidity of jealousy n insecurities fed her up in which in the summer she really took the decision to take a break n to actually really cooled n really think if i kept the same way it wasnt gonna be any good…. she was really willing to leave if it wasnt for my bro n lil sister that she came back…i really worked on myself to really learn to appreciate my self n to work overcoming my jealousy n insecurities… for several days everything was going well until i became very unease that she was a party with her fam n i was in another one… but we were texting… n after idk why i told her it was best to sey our ways cause she didnt care for me… n she said… so i freak out n called her n she said she lovese me so much that she didnt wanted to leave neither but i had to change my ways or else she wasnt gonna keep putting up with it…. after that i really thought very deep.. that i propose to her to get marry n she said yes.. but we had to wait since her parents knew we took a break n we were starting again… n i understood her n she was very happy n looking forward to it… (cause in our third year of relationship we were looking for an apartment n makings plans to set a date for our marriage but had to wait till she was done with college. So we waited) n just a few days my idiot self had the nerve to ask her if during our break she was with someone… n she told me “are u freaking asking me this. Im not even going to answer that.” ” u ruined everything” (N this was a few days later when i propose to her)…. later that night i picked her up from her job.. n she was furious that she said “i told u i wasnt going to let another one go by” she even told me ” u r worth a lot but your drastic impulsiveness n your insecurities are not helping you”… n since then i plead n ask her to forgive me n that it was a big mistake that i really didnt meant it… n she told me.” Ok u didnt meant but u said. If it was another issue or anything i would have understand but this.. is always the same issue.. n right now i cant say yes knowing im not going to be ok. I luv u n very much but i cant be like this one week we r ok n the next week we go through the same issue” “so for now its better to take a time off n let time decide whats going to happen because i cant” n since then i have been texting her calling her to make her change her decision at first she would talk but now she only tells me…” we had an agreement. Stop calling”… i send her messages n she reads them. N when i try to call she only say “stop it” “stop calling”….. i know i fucked up a lot… n i really do my best to change my ways.. i do love her very much that i dont know what else to do…. i afraid she never comes back… i know i have problems with my insecurities… n im here hoping u can advise me n hoping to help me win her back.. im the worst for always insulting her instead finding a away to avoid those horrible moments i gave her… but i know i showed her my true luv to her even though it didnt seem… n i know it cause ahe said yez in marrying me n making her life with me having a family together… but when i thought i had control of my problem it always came up n ruined every wonderful moment i had built… please help me…. its very hard to handle… n i learned to fight for love onez till the very end… but i dont know what do..

    • philosiblog 5 November 2014 at 3:27 am #

      This appears to be a case where she truly wants to be left alone. It appears that trying to contact her is only driving her farther away from you. This may be a time for you to step back and give her that space.

      The next question is what will you do with the time you now have? If you sit around and think of her, that will accomplish little other than to increase your pain, right? You seem to have an idea about what you were doing to make her want to leave, so I would suggest taking some time to figure out how to change those aspects of your life.

      How you will do that, and what it will take to accomplish your goals, that will require you to spend some time thinking and reflecting on how you got there, right?

      You are strong enough to go through this process, and you are strong enough to complete it. You deserve to be the best person you can possibly become, but only you can make it happen. Become a better person, not for her, but for you. You cannot control what she does.

  34. Melbel 4 November 2014 at 7:20 pm #

    I just read this and was deeply touched.My husband and I are in a very difficult situation at the moment and are trying to figure out if it might be good to let go for a while….or forever..
    Sorry for this long Email…..
    Our problem is more of a location problem then a relationship problem but in the end has turned to a relationship problem because we can’t come to an agreement. I am German and my husband is American. We met in 2002 in Germany. In 2003 I moved to the US at the age of 19 to be with him, all in love and full of dreams. We lived in the US for five years and then returned back to Germany in 2008 because I was homesick. My husband went with me to Germany because he did not want to lose me but I think if it was up to him he would have stayed in the US. He had a hard time adjusting and even though he had a good English speaking job, he never fully adapted to life in Germany. He had a very hard time, always wanted to go back and towards the end (last year) was so frustrated that he stopped seeing friends in Germany, my family and he even stopped speaking German. When asked by me, why he came to Germany after all, the only reason he could give me was ME which I found so sad. He was so homesick which is why he moved back to the US in July of this year (2014). Months before he actually left we spent day after day talking about our future and whether I could see myself transitioning back to the US again. I mean; we could not go out for dinner and talk about normal things because everything always came back to the question….where will we be living?? We simply did not have a normal life to talk about.
    The last months in Germany, we both were very unplugged from each other. My husband spent most of the time working and working on his plans to return back to the US and I worked a lot in my job as well. What eventually made us feel better, and to avoid having to make a final decision (i.e. getting divorced) was when we came to the agreement that he would leave for the US in July and that I would remain in Germany for three months. He left July 1st, I stayed behind to take care of everything left behind. I then moved back to my hometown in Germany, during those three months to be with family and friends. First time by myself in 10 years and guess what….. I was completely happy there and felt a sense of belonging because of the community around me and because of my personal feeling inside (I felt so light..if that makes sense)…it felt that I was able to be myself again without constantly having to worry about my husband and whether he is understanding what is being spoken or if he is having fun or able to find friends or if he is lonely or depressed. He usually is a very outgoing person but these six years in Germany really changed him to become very introverted which is why I agreed that he needs to leave Germany to find himself again….
    As everything these three months by myself, came to an end and two weeks ago I boarded my flight to the US regretting having to take this step again. I really did not want to leave Germany but I wanted to be fair to my husband and talk with him in person instead of ending a relationship through skype after 10 years. I am sooooooo tired of starting over again and again and again, where really all I want is to move back to Germany and live by myself for a little bit to figure things out. Just to give you a full picture, we have been together for 12 years and moved 8 times during those 12 years.
    What deeply concernes me is that after 12 years of being together in this international relationship, we have not developed any kind of base or have come to an agreement on where to live long term. We are basically now in 2014 exactly where we were when we moved to Germany in 2008. This concerns me. I am tired of moving and not finding a place where we can both find happiness. We have a good relationship but it feels that both of us are so connected to our country that it will always be a problem. We are also people that need a structure around us to be balanced meaning friends and a community. It is just a question of, when are you giving up too much for a relationship? Is giving up your culture, language, home country, family, identity and a really good circle of childhood friends as well as your career worth to support a partner? Also, is it fair for your partner knowing that you are giving all of this up for him or her? After all I feel that having an international relationship is a huge responsibility, especially when one person is sacrificing everything for one person. This is what I am trying to figure out at the moment and having the hardest time doing so. I really just want to book a flight, go back to Germany for some months, rent a small appartment and see what it does to me…is that wrong? I know that I am risking a good relationship in the US but I fear that if I never try to find what is important to me, that one day (when I sit here in the US with maybe two kids) I will regret not having taken that step. Luckily we have no kids yet.
    I feel that it is time to figure out what I want and it is also important to maybe let my husband figure out what it is that he wants. He really loves me and after being in the US for three months already talks about moving back to Germany again next year…..his quick change in thinking makes my head spin and concerns me. I think that he is only saying this to make me stay for now. I really doubt that he would be happy living in Germany long term. I adapt much easier and feel that the only future we have is by me giving up everything and living over here. I would love to have some input on this. I know that this is a decision I will have to make on my own but I go back and forth. I am tired and mentally exhausted…..

    • philosiblog 5 November 2014 at 3:37 am #

      Here is another possibility: move to yet another country. I know you don’t want to move again, but have you considered a neutral country to move to? If he is always wanting his home, and resents you getting to live at home while he is stuck in a foreign country, a 3rd country might help.

      I’m not sure how much sense it makes to you, but what I got from reading your comment is that you resented him being home while you were forced away from friends and family, and he felt the same about being stuck in Germany. After 12 years, I don’t expect it to get better, for the resentment to be reduced or eliminated if you live in either the USA or in Germany.

      Other than that, to live together as a stable couple, someone will have to give up on their desire to go home. It doesn’t sound too likely, given what you have written.

      I wish you luck in finding something which works for you, and I also will remind you that you are far stronger than you can imagine. You can do this, if you decide you truly want the relationship, and so can he, if he does.

  35. undefine 6 November 2014 at 10:52 am #

    Thanks for your advice… just yesterday tried to talk her n reason with her about all this.. but she said that we had an agreement n that will not change at all…. but i guess i made things even worse as conversation went on…. told her that i would find ways to change n that things will be better.. to give me the chance to prove to her.. if i see that if she really lost interest n love for me i would be the one backing down n let her be. But she didnt agree to it.. she said “that time of test was given n there is none more. Gave u many opportunities but u never changed how is this gonna be any different. Its too late now for that now” .. i tried to reason with her that i would do anything n to work together to make it work but it wasnt any better it got worse.. she would only reply nothing that u do or make will change things now… like i said. Let time decide what is going to happen next as cor now stop calling me…. i talked to her reminding her how much i luved her n she said “please dont say that to me” so by telling her all of our dreams we had n everything. N she would only say: lets not mentioned that nor think of that… take care of urself. Tame care of ur family n let time decide what happens.. bye…… so after that i cried like never before…. but i realized that i screwed up badly even she use to always warned me to always thing before talking hurtful things. N to have. Control of my attitude but i didnt i let that control me n it destroy a wonderful relationship i had… so now i have to face the fact the i have to change n work on me.. n if she ever comes back she sees a better me.. as for now i have to accept the fact things really did finished….

    P.S…..guys or girls word of advice. If you are still in the stage of your first fight.. please think before saying anything hurtful nor in private or public…. always think of a brand new paper that when u crumbled all up n u try to put it back very nice n smooth it will never be the same ever again… it goes same as the heart of your beloved one…

    • philosiblog 17 November 2014 at 5:50 am #

      The last bit is most important. Anger can kill relationships faster than anything else I know. At least you know exactly where you stand.

      Now you have to decide what you will do to improve yourself. You probably know what some of your issues are, but how will you start the change? Who can you turn to for advice? Who can help you find the better path forward, the better choice, the better method? I would suggest you find someone who knows you, and whom you respect. Ask them to help you become a better person, and explain what you believe you need to change, and see if they can help with any of your needs.

      Stay strong, and become the best person you can become at the moment.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Straight Lines, Sting: Letting Go | brucelarochelle - 13 December 2012

    […] People discuss this, in ways that I more readily understand, where I guess looking back: […]

  2. 057 Let It Go (08-30-13) | The Watley Family Legacy - 30 August 2013

    […] If you love something… […]

  3. From now forward... - 23 February 2014

    […] source […]

  4. If you love something… (Time for a little fun!) | One Sec Translation Service di Chiara Bartolozzi - 3 March 2014

    […] Per chi volesse lanciarsi in qualche riflessione filosofica, consiglio questo link sull’argomento: http://philosiblog.com/2011/08/16/if-you-love-something-let-it-go-if-it-comes-back-to-you-its-yours-… […]

  5. Meaningless Sex | this labyrinth - 22 May 2014

    […] by love. And I believe that sex, in its most simplest form, has meaning. It’s like the saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it d…Sex, in just its simplistic physical form, is a form of love. But it doesn’t take, it just […]

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress. Designed by Woo Themes

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers:

%d bloggers like this: