If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown

Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.

What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).

By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.

Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”

Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.

To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.

How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?

An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?

You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.

Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.

This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.

From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM

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1,194 Responses to If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

  1. Stephanie 25 January 2015 at 11:09 pm #

    Thank you for this post, definitely something I can relate to right now.

    My boyfriend (29) of 2.5 years recently told me that despite the fact that he loved me very much, he wasn’t sure he could 100% say ‘this is it’, when he has only been with one other girl. I (26) have only had one other serious relationship as well, and ‘numbers’ don’t really play into things for me… I guess I just trust my gut instinct.

    While together, he has been nothing but committed, loyal and more – we have great communication and trust – we are each others’ best friend. We’ve had some great times together and we both agree that these have been the happiest 2.5 years of our lives so far. So hearing this came as a shock and hurt quite a bit… But I appreciate the honesty and I’m sure it took a lot of courage to tell it to me straight. I know it hurts him to see me feel hurt…

    His reasons are completely superficial (I had gained a bit of weight since we met – slightly underweight to average, but I’m petite so it shows!), and I think he was more conventionally attractive than me to begin with… I guess the gap has widened and he said he has felt a little less physically attracted sometimes. I know this seems like conditional love… But I know he still really cares about me.

    He’s not interested in sleeping around, I know what kind of person he is very well and he said he just wants to have a couple dates to meet people. He said he valued what we have on an emotional/ connection level… and he knows he may not find quite the same again. He told me to have a little faith in our relationship, and that he just needs to get this ‘out of his system’. But that he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. But how many dates does one need to realize what they had was really great?

    That being said, he is also relocating halfway across the world in about a month for a job… So I’m sure that fact is at least a partial catalyst to some thoughts of the former. It’s just not possible for us to be together when we are so far away, but I am trying to go there too. He said he would definitely want to be together again if we eliminated the physical distance, but would still have the curiosity of ‘what else is out there…’

    So we are just enjoying the time we have left together… I feel like I am just awaiting depression the moment he leaves and know this will be hard to get over… For someone to tell you that they still love you, but want to see what else is out there… I guess it is against my nature, so I don’t relate. But as long as he feels this way, I don’t think it is right to hang onto him. He is being selfish in some ways but I don’t think it would be right to match that selfishness…

    I am consciously telling myself not to wait for him, and that I should also take this opportunity to see ‘what else is out there’… But I still love him, we both set the bar high for each other but it will be harder for me to not see flaws in other people moving forward… I feel like I’ll always think how much better he is. What to do…

    • philosiblog 2 February 2015 at 1:13 am #

      What you do in that month he is gone is up to you. It is an opportunity, yes. But it is a double edged sword. How will he react if he comes back, not even having dated, and you have done that, and perhaps more?

      Trust your instincts, trust your heart. How much do you think he will change in that month? Will he be ready to get serious again afterwards? Or will he want to keep it a little wild for a time after that?

      You know him, and I do not. You will have to live with the consequences, I will not. Think carefully and discuss it with him. It is my belief that communicating and agreeing in advance is the best anyone can do.

      • guitargod47 20 February 2015 at 2:14 am #

        Stephanie, the exact same thing happened to me and my ex girlfriend. First love, we had great communication and lots of love but I’m sure us being a few hours away from each other, combined with her lack of sexual experience with anyone besides me and my slight weight gain ended up in a pretty devastating heartbreak on my end. She says she loves me but that she thinks she made the right decision and wants to move forward. Intuitively, I feel like this is her seeing if the grass is greener. I know she still loves me. Her words say one thing, but we saw each other not too long ago and the smiles, the bond, the chemistry, it felt as if nothing has changed. I’ve come to the point where I too am ready to let her go and make her own decisions. I’ve been nothing but supportive of her, her family, and her problems.

        We’ve left the channels for communication open and are on good terms, but I’ve said that we shouldn’t speak frequently if she’s keen on moving on. I hope she finds what she’s looking for. I told her that maybe after college or some point down the road this break up was what we would’ve needed to come back to each other but she says it’s impossible to know what’ll happen in the future. I don’t know how to feel, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to desensitize myself to her and her decisions. I know I loved her truly, to the point where I want her to go and see life on her own if that’s what she thinks she needs.

      • philosiblog 8 March 2015 at 1:09 am #

        Thanks for sharing your story. I hope Stephanie finds something comforting or useful in your words.

      • Traci 8 March 2015 at 1:16 am #

        I let him go, he came back (he’s done it so many times says he misses me loves me) then back peddled yet again and became distant, this all happens within a few days, I got over my severe pain so long ago (we have been together a year he has in that time got engaged to me had me living with him and then moved me out) I fing understand him and he is messing me up so badly that I have yesterday ended it..he had me feeling worthless useless and like a fool to my friends and family, now I have my dignity and self esteem back, feel so much stronger and empowered with much more hope and excitement for future possibilities now he is no longer holding ME back ☺️☺️☺️

      • philosiblog 8 March 2015 at 1:30 am #

        Sometimes, breaking up is the best step you can take. It sounds like it was the best thing for you. Stay strong, and keep looking. You will find someone worthy of you, if you keep looking.

      • Traci 8 March 2015 at 1:40 am #

        I’m sure your absolutely right thankyou

    • justbcos 11 March 2015 at 7:37 am #

      Sorry to say, Stephanie, but this guy doesn’t really love you. Otherwise he would not leave you. He isn’t committed to you and will be looking for a new fling.

  2. horionsah 27 January 2015 at 11:10 pm #

    I am looking for some advice…

    My girlfriend (28) and I (30) were together one and half years and things were good. She’s my first love and I was her 4th. Her two previous relationship were sad stories as she was physically and mentally abused. Her family also did not agree to the previous relationship.

    We are both office mates. We were good friends for 3 years before starting the relationship. We’ve been separated for 6 months as she’s doing her master degree abroad.

    We’re supposed to get married on 29 August 2015 (7 months away). We arranged everything like going to tailor for the wedding dress and suits, paying deposit for the reception venue, making list of guests etc. The preparation has also involved both families.

    Out of the blue, last week on 7 January 2015 my girl called the wedding off and broke the relationship for the reason of lost of feeling for me and gave up the relationship. FYI, she was still so excited about the wedding 3 hours before and things were good.

    The worse one is she said that she did not love me at all since the beginning. I consider it as impossible as she told her friends how happy she is during our relationship and was looking forward to having the wedding. And I could feel it that she was in love with me. She flew hours to attend my graduation, asked me to bring my parents to meet hers to discuss the wedding, made a tailored wedding dress for her special day, bought a shared apartment for our future place etc.

    After all, she said that she will not change her mind and there is no possibility we’ll get back together. She just wanted to be friends.

    Last night, she told me that she lost interests for me as I am an ambitious person, being obsessed with her and I am not able to lead her.

    Cheers,

    • philosiblog 4 February 2015 at 11:43 pm #

      It’s been a while since then, and a while since you wrote, have you heard anything else from her?

      It sounds like a bit of ‘cold feet’ to me. It sounds like she isn’t quite ready, and something panicked her. Is she still overseas, or will she be back soon?

      If she is still pushing you away, trying to pull her back may not be a great idea, right? It will likely push her farther away. If you are on speaking terms with her parents or friends, you might be able to get some insight regarding what is going on with her. It’s not a good situation, but you can make it through, if you remember to be kind, loving, and careful. With her as well as yourself. You can only influence her, but you can control yourself.

      What will you do with the time you have? Will you fret? Will you agonize over the past and what you could have done differently? Down that road is depression and desperation. I would suggest you find something positive on which you can focus your time and your emotions.

      • Traci 5 February 2015 at 3:18 am #

        I totally agree if you love something let it go, and let yourself go, you will never get them back with pressure, and it’s great to feel more like your a mystery rather than desperate, lowers self esteem, does your head in..some days I still push myself through wanting to contact him, but I also feel stronger when I get through those days, self respect is far more important ☺️

      • philosiblog 14 February 2015 at 8:10 pm #

        A most excellent summary. Thanks for sharing it with us!

  3. randall 1 February 2015 at 10:32 am #

    I dont know where to start. My 5 years of relationship ended when my girlfriend dump me for another guy. She was just a secret admire of mine back then, she keeps on stalking on me for about a year since im in a relationship with other girl. but at the mean time we do hang out a lot by mean she was just a friend to me. i share every daily story of mine with her. eventually i broke up with my gf(back then) and tried dating her thou she was never pretty in my eyes. but her character which attracted me. we felt in deep love as we’ve planned the future and there is no problem throughout the year, we trusted each other, laugh, have fun, everything. and i even sacrificed a lot for her in term on my job, and studies just to get near with her. One day, she got an offer as a stewardess so i supported her during the training and helped her for cash. we are too attached that she couldnt stand the long-distance relationship so i figured to quit my job and further my studies for a better job in the future. i was staying in the hostel for 4 months and we will only meet during weekends or during her off-day, so we decided for me to move to her apartment. for the first 2 month everything was good, we were so happy, the thing is she’s paying for the rent until i got my education loan approved. The bad news started last december before christmas, she was caught with another guy. we had a fight, i was about to leave but she begged and promised it will never happen again but i told her that she has to gain my trust since she cheated on me and we agreed i forgave her but it really changed me, i always doubted whenever she’s texting someone. after a month, she was caught once again she went to the guy apartment and this time she didnt come home as shes so afraid and confused. after few days(she slept at his apartment and claimed she was so afraid to face me) we met and talk. i ask her whether she still loves me. she only answered “the feeling is there, but i dont know if i still love you” it really crushed me, i was so down. she decided to broke up with me that she needed space and time for herself which for me a pure bullshit. i tried to call her and begged for us to fix this but she neglected me by saying “decision is made, and its all over”.
    i was crying like a pussy for more than 3 days, i couldnt sleep or think straight(depression). i started to smoke, drink and all sort of stuff to deviate the feeling and read a lot of forum. most of them suggested the NC rule which i tried to apply till today. the problem is, sometimes she would text me asking how am i, i miss you, im sorry, those kinda stuff. but i just replied, ‘i dont know, i miss you and bye” to end the conversation. recently she called me but i didnt pick up the call, so she texted, ‘sorry to call you, im just feeling uneasy and i have to fly after this” but i ignored the text. i am still in love with her, i cant stop thinking of her, but everytime i imagine shes sleeping beside another guy it hurts me a lot. one more thing which really breaks my heart is. she’s a person who holds the “no sex before marriage” which mean shes a virgin. i took are of that damn virgin of her and hold my lust all this years so another guy could just grab her in less then a month? she actually gave that guy a chance instead of choosing me. everyone suggested that i should move on, but i cant, i tried. what if she came back? what if she changed her mind? i am still in NC rule, but every 2 weeks when she is lonely, she will text me asking how am i.. please help me =(

    • philosiblog 4 February 2015 at 11:52 pm #

      Before anyone can help you, you need to help yourself. What would you do if she wanted to come back? Could you trust her, or is the deal broken? Your heart still hurts, and that is normal.

      Something I heard a long time ago, and believe to this day: “You never stop loving someone, you just go on to loving someone new.”

      There will always be pleasant memories of her in your mind, but it sounds like you wouldn’t be able to trust her, and that it would be a deal breaker for you. If she is still flying, how do you know where she is sleeping when she is away, or with whom?

      Give it a little time, let your head and heart clear a bit. If the periodic phone interruptions are a problem, you can probably block her number, or her texts, and it might be a good idea for you to do so. Your wound will never heal if it keeps getting poked, right?

  4. Traci 4 February 2015 at 5:18 am #

    I’m following your advice. I’m a female my fiancé proposed out of desperation to keep me and moved me into his home. We had been together 8 months at that point and had broken up, he chased me desperately. He was depressed and admitted that he simply couldn’t let me move away like I had planned. After 8 weeks of living together he started to find every excuse and reason that it wasn’t goin well. He has a 14 yr old son that lives with him and said he can’t juggle both but wanted to keep our relationship in some form, living seperate. I was heartbroken, moved out and kept seeing him for a cpl of weeks then decided that I couldn’t suffer the pain of not having a full relationship like we used to, I simply wasnt in the same place as him. He still says that he loves me and broke down when I told him I wanted all or nothing I can’t go back to how we were before or how he wants things, slowly, with no real commitment. I just don’t understand him. He is 49 never been married even to the mother of his kids. I was the first proposal and I know he meant igbag the time, but I also know my worth and that I don’t deserve the pain that he has put me through in his own confusion. I walked away the other day, and I miss him so much I want to let him know, but after reading this, have realised I need and he needs alone time to contemplate life WITHOUT me now, if he doesn’t come back then I have saved myself more pain, thankyou

    • philosiblog 5 February 2015 at 12:00 am #

      I’m glad you are sorting things out on your own. I’m also glad to see you know that you deserve better than he was giving you. Congratulations, and stay strong.

      • Traci 5 February 2015 at 12:30 am #

        Getting there, life can only get better now, I’m werks down the track now and know what I have to do, I know that he will miss me more than I miss him, I’m not contacting him even though sometimes I feel I want to, like they say, if you love something set it free, especially when you are obviously on different levels, I’m way above him and stronger, thank you so much x

      • philosiblog 14 February 2015 at 8:07 pm #

        You are most welcome. I’m glad to have been able to be of some assistance.

  5. Belinda 6 February 2015 at 1:51 am #

    My husband and I have been together 15 years. We had a real spiritual connection and loved each other dearly. Over the past five to eight years I have unconsciously sabotaged his love by being complacent and taken him for granted by putting career first, children and my motherhood journey before him. He left me 2 months ago saying he is a broken man and that he is no longer in love with me. He has told me it’s over but you can never say never in relation to what the future holds. What do I do

    • philosiblog 14 February 2015 at 9:14 pm #

      First, I would hope you realize that you cannot un-do what has been done. You cannot force him back.

      Second, you have identified some actions, activities or attitudes which contributed to his leaving.

      Third, that it took years for things to get this bad, and it will not get better instantly.

      Do you think you can attract him back without first changing some of what drove him away? That would be my first priority. Identify what of these actions, activities and attitudes were most responsible for putting him in a position where he felt he could no longer stay. Think back to the arguments or cross words of the last year or two. What set him off? If you want him back, these are points which must be modified before he will consider returning, right?

      With the first few things identified, determine what the desired or expected (by him, in each case) action, activity or attitude would be. Try to figure out if you are willing to change that much, or if you will try to meet him part way (but realize that to attract him back, you may not have many options besides adjusting to what he wants/expects).

      Now that you have your starting point and your destination, try to figure out how you get from here to there.

      It will not be easy, but you have the strength to do it, if you are willing to work for it.

  6. Jenet 6 February 2015 at 8:38 pm #

    Good Morning! I just want to take some advices regarding my situation. I have 5 years in a relationship with my boyfriend. From the beginning he had helped me almost everything in me right now. I know he is really a good man. But right now, I’m confused. I’m doubting my feelings with him. Yes, I love him and I’m happy with him but its not the same as before. The excitement is not there anymore. Right now I couldn’t say sweet words to him because I am really confused with my feeling to him. I don’t think if I still really love him. If i could leave him, I am very ashamed to him because of all he had helped me especially on financial (but that’s not called true happiness and true love if I would think what other people say and all what my boyfriend had helped me). We are living together right now. Then i decided, I am planning to transfer and move to a new place because I ask him to give me some space and time to think, to grow in life, to explore and discover new things, and to become better individual. I honestly believed in God’s will that if we were meant to be, time will come for it. Thank you very much for your help.

    • philosiblog 15 February 2015 at 12:44 am #

      That’s a big step. Romances have stages, and eventually, the excitement decreases a bit. That differs from the underlying love you have for him. I’m trying to be careful here, as what you describe as a loss of excitement might mean something different than what I consider it to be.

      I would ask you to take some time and consider exactly what you mean by those words. How much excitement, and what kind of excitement do you expect after 5 years? What are you doing to keep the excitement alive? What is he doing to keep the excitement alive? How does the lack of excitement impact your love? How does the lack of excitement impact your happiness?

      Once you have answers for the questions, I think what you should do will become a bit more apparent. Only you can answer those questions, and only you will have to live with the consequences of the decisions you are in the process of making.

      Stay strong, and stay true to yourself.

      • jen 9 June 2015 at 7:27 pm #

        Thank you for your advices. Right now, we’ve decided to give ourselves a space and time first, also to think and realize if we will still push through the relationship. It’s been 5 years. My love for him is not the same as before. My love for him is decreasing :( but there still little love, and I’m very thankful in him for the past 5 years. I can feel the anxiety :( i just want to enjoy life first, explore life, gain more experiences and be a better person.

      • philosiblog 15 June 2015 at 2:51 am #

        Thanks for the update, and I am certain you will have a great life, no matter how this works out.

  7. A moment in time..... 6 February 2015 at 11:51 pm #

    I really enjoyed reading your article and agree with the premise that we need to let go of people we love in order for them to return if they so chose. Putting this into action is harder said then done!

    My dilemma is me, and my inability to allow this statement to bear to fruition. I feel stuck between my love and the moments of happiness vs. the pain of feeling like I am an option or that I have a question mark over my head because he cannot commitment long-term. He does have a wandering eye, which has caused me so much grief, and my uncomfortableness with this behavior has let to difficult situations. He does state he is committed to me, and wants a future with me, but on the other hand, he will say he is not sure if he will ever feel a commitment of marriage to me inside his heart. In addition, he will state things such as, “be patient with me”, and “I want to do it right this time”, or “leave it in God’s hands for the answer.” At some point, I told him that God has given us free will to know our hearts, minds, and what choice is right for each of us. I have also stated that two people must be on the same page for a commitment; and I have never asked him for more than hope for a future together. I am beginning to notice that I am experiencing more sad and weepy moments; as if my body is grieving because my heart is fighting the fear of letting go of someone I love unconditionally. I do not want him to change a thing about himself because he is beautiful the way God made him, and I accept his life experiences, which have developed his character, and molded his spirit.

    Problem is our relationship is going into the 4th year of our lives, and I am 53, and he is 58. I want so much more from my life, but I feel like a weekend girlfriend who is allowing his terms to guide my actions. He has been married several times, but takes responsibility for the faults and divorces, whereas, I was married for 28 years with one divorce, which I have been single for 8 years, and he has been single for 10 years. I have not experienced dating as a mature lady, but I felt as if God directed me across this man’s path to experience this relationship.

    How do I let go of him to see if he will come back, and what happens if I let go and he does not come back? How long do I wait in a relationship for a commitment, and when do I know when to let go forever? How do I handle the overwhelming grief of letting go if I am not ready? These questions are forever biting at my spirit. I am unable to resolve what my mind wants vs. want my heart needs.

    Thank you for allowing me to share my moment in time.

    • philosiblog 15 February 2015 at 12:54 am #

      Trying to teach an old dog a new trick can be challenging. Is it safe to guess that the dissolution of his previous marriages had something to do with his wandering eye (and perhaps other ‘wandering’ things)?

      It sounds like you are posing the question of short term pain vs long term pain. What I get from your comment is that you are trying to balance the short term (but intense) pain of breaking up with the long term (but infrequent) pain of his wandering eye.

      How much patience do you have? How long are you willing to wait for him to change? Is 4 years enough? How important is his commitment (presuming exclusively) to you? Is it a deal breaker? If he can’t control himself (or is unwilling), are you willing to be his next ex-wife when you catch him?

      One additional question I would ask you to consider. Do you think he came into your life for the purpose of everlasting love, or is he instead there to help you learn about yourself (or, conversely, you are there to help him learn about himself)?

  8. sushma 19 February 2015 at 7:53 am #

    my boy friend told me that he is not interested in me anymore.we have been together for one year

    • philosiblog 8 March 2015 at 1:08 am #

      Some things are not meant to be. Perhaps this is one of them. I know it can be hard to hear, but I believe you deserve a person who is better than that in your life. Stay strong, and keep looking for the right one.

      • sushma 19 March 2015 at 5:25 am #

        my marriage with him was the biggest dream i ever had but how could he expect me to marry someone else? how to could leave like that?

      • philosiblog 20 March 2015 at 2:57 am #

        That is not a question anyone can answer, besides him. If he has left, then you will have to come to grips with that reality. What the future holds is not for us to know, until it arrives. The question I would ask is what will you do with your time?

        Yes, you will miss him. Yes, it will hurt. Focus on what was good, and remind yourself you are on a new course of action. But what action will you take? Will you learn something new? Will you try something different? Were there things you liked to do, but he did not? You can do those things now, right?

        Your life is your own to live. I would recommend you rely on your inner strength (it is there, even if you don’t feel particularly strong at this moment), and find something to do with your life, something filled with meaning and happiness.

  9. hayn75 26 February 2015 at 8:03 pm #

    I love him. And can’t get him out of my heart. We started off working together. Then we started seeing each other without strings attached. But then things changed. Feelings came about. The feelings are intense the first time we looked at each other in the eyes. I can still remember that night. We danced and gazed at each others eyes without turning our heads. It wad a feeling that I never had before. Like we were the only ones in the room. It sounds so cliche. It is a year after and my feelings have only grown. I have not spoken to him in 3 months. And it breaks my heart. I am the one to blame. I got drunk and blacked out and I guess I said some terrible things to him. I can’t remember and he won’t talk to me. I apologized endlessly. Sent roses and poems. And nothing. So I have finally let him go. I hope one day he will forgive me and we can one day reconnect. And let the romance blossom once again on another level. I don’t know if it is just me that feels this way. But I feel him too. He is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night. But as the saying goes. If you love someone that much you have to let them go. And if they come back it was meant to be. It just hurts.

    • philosiblog 8 March 2015 at 1:21 am #

      I am sorry to hear of your situation, and you have my deepest sympathies.

      It appears, at least for the moment, that you are on your own. The question is what will you do? Yes, it hurts. But will you curl up in a ball and wait for him to come back? Or will you start to live your life again? What can you do to improve yourself and keep yourself busy at the same time? Is there something you have always wanted to do or learn? A new skill or a new language? Perhaps you have a few books you have been wanting to read, but never had the time.

      Yes, it hurts, but you have to continue with your life, right? Stay strong, and find something to do. You will never stop loving him, but with time, the pain will fade. Cherish the memories, and work to improve yourself. Who knows what the future will bring, so it might be prudent to work on becoming the best person you can become.

      • Traci 8 March 2015 at 6:40 am #

        Work on yourself, that’s what I’m learning, and your love will be magnetised to you..if is fruitless to try and “make” someone love you..it simply doesn’t happen, but your love for yourself is so empowering that it draws people to you x

      • Sassy 17 March 2015 at 3:33 pm #

        Hello

        I’ve been with my partner since 2009, although we he our on and offs, from my view I feel as though we both know where home is, no matter what we always seem to be together, but now it’s borhering me because we growing older, and we have a son together, he breaks up with me and finds a gal then after a month he leaves the girl and comes back to me, it’s really draining and I hate it so much,

        He keeps on giving excuses for our break ups and points fingers, he is never seen as wrong but I am, we parted on Sunday over him liking his exs pics and commenting and he never liked his exs pics so it made me so angry that I called him and spoke in anger, with that being said he didn’t even apologize! I broke up with him but after an hour or so I called him nd asked him to please come back,

        He told me no his tired,he wants a normal relationship hence I don’t respect him…

        Yday I found that he called his ex for a good 8mins and he been saying he not communicating with any ex :(

        Now he hs left me and I’m sure he’ll come back after a month or 2 :(

      • philosiblog 20 March 2015 at 2:41 am #

        As for why he keeps coming back, or even why he keeps leaving, I would say that it’s because you let him. If he can go out and have a fling for a weekend or even a couple of weeks, with no real consequence, why wouldn’t he?

        If you are willing to put up with it, you will continue to have to put up with it. I don’t know, after this long, if you can break him of this habit without breaking the relationship first. The question is what do you value more? Once you determine what that is, you can better plan your path. No matter what you choose, there will be unpleasantness and pain. Even if you continue as it is, there will be unpleasantness and pain.

        Be strong, determine what you want in a partner and in your life, and be willing to fight for it, and be ready for any possible consequence, including the final termination of the relationship. You deserve someone who is honest, and who respects you. If you agree, then you have to figure out what you will do in a month or two when he tries to come back. Just realize that this is a monster partly of your own making. Be kind to both yourself and to him, but you must also be firm, or he will continue to walk all over you.

        You have some thinking to do about your future. Do so with great care, and consider all that could go right (or wrong) with your plans. Be firm, and be willing to live with the consequences of your decisions, whatever they might be.

  10. Riad Kahale 9 March 2015 at 1:36 pm #

    I think this quote has been said by Josh Radnor, in the hit tv series How I Met Your Mother

    • philosiblog 18 March 2015 at 5:32 am #

      It is a popular quote, and has been around for a while. Thanks for letting me know it is still popular on TV. And thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

  11. CJ 11 March 2015 at 12:38 am #

    In some way it was very comforting to read this article even though it’s a saying we all know. I met someone a year ago after very complicated relationships. I was divorced one year after being married for 19. And he was in the divorce process also after 19 years. We both had two kids around the same age. Neither of us was looking for someone but when we met, sparks flew and the rest is the usual, we fell in love, spent lots of time together, went on trips, etc. He’s met my kids, but I have not yet met his kids. Ths also meant that we didn’t see each other very often. I have been asking to change it but he wasn’t sure what he wanted.

    Last week we celebrated our one year anniversary. We had a wonderful time and he said he was happy. Then out of the blue this weekend he said he was in love with me but didn’t want to string me along. That he would never want to be married again and wanted to try to be completely along. Now his divorce has been somewhat unpleasant so I understood it. But I never said I wanted to get married. And I’m not sure anyone can say Never. Then right after we spent the weekend together again, and it was again magical. But still, he wanted space and no contact for a while.

    I think he’s over-stressed about his divorce and scared of what could happen. But in the end, I do know I can’t change his mind. No matter what I say, no matter what logic or emotion, I have to let him do what he thinks he needs to do. Even if he says he’s never been happier than when he’s with me. Even if he never comes back, I have to be ready to find someone who appreciates being loved, enjoys being happy (some people don’t), and appreciates me.

    • philosiblog 18 March 2015 at 5:35 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      You cannot force someone to change. Only they can change themselves. If you are unwilling to wait, then it may be time to move on. Or at least find interesting things to do, people to meet, things to try, skills to learn, and fun to be had in his absence.

      Stay strong.

  12. Beth 12 March 2015 at 1:40 am #

    Need some advice…I met a guy via Facebook we have common friends he friend requested me I excepted and he started communicating with me one-on-one we hit it off so he asked for my number. So he called me we talked for four hours the first time and then every day sense he was just separated not divorced yet he told me he still loved his acts or soon-to-be ex but was not in love with her. He said that it would never work the last two years have been miserable have been very unhappy and all they did was argue. So we ended up meeting we hit it off great we were together for about a month and then when she found out about Us she all of a sudden acted like she want to get back together. He didn’t lie to me he said he was sorry he said that he want to try to make a go of it with her because he wanted his family back they have two young children and lasted for about 2 1/2 days and he called me we talked a lot about it he appreciated me for talking it through with them said that I was amazing. He said my voice was very calming and I was easy to talk to and I were such an understanding person that I had never met anybody like me. The next day he shows up at my house to surprise me and says that he made a big mistake and he hopes he hadn’t ruined it. He said that she just played them as a fool. I told him that we’d have to take it slow I wasn’t going to rush into anything and that he had caused me to question my trust in him. He understood completely and he was willing to take it slow. There was just some special connection between us that we ended up spending almost every day together when he didn’t have his kids or when he wasn’t working we spent Christmas together introduced me to his children to be at the phone what you had said that he would not do until I knew that it was wanting to move forward in a relationship with someone he was going to get his kids in the middle of anything and on Christmas night I met his parents and one of his older children. Everything up and great it was unbelievable. Any time he was over any time we spent time together he always procrastinated leaving and had a hard time leaving me. So the day after Christmas we woke up he was supposed to been gone about 9 o’clock but he didn’t leave until about noon because he couldn’t leave me. I hadn’t heard from him for about three hours maybe even four so I left him a text message didn’t get a reply called him didn’t get an answer. Really didn’t think anything about it I knew he was with his family. So I waited another couple hours give me a call when he answered he was very cold and standoffish and I knew that he had seen her again but he picked up the kids. I asked if it happened again and he said yes that they weren’t sexually intimate but they did have passionate kissing he said that he was probably crazy but he just knows that he can’t continue to do that to me because I don’t deserve it and he cares about me but he also knows that he still has feelings for her and he wants his family back. I agreed that it wasn’t gonna be a bit continue do that to me because I wasn’t going to allow it I deserved better than that. He brought some of his things over to my place that had value because he was afraid that she was going to break in or go in the house and steal it. About two weeks later he asked if you get a stuff we ended up talking for little while he said that it was great to talk to me. He tell me he does have special feelings for me and cares about me a lot but could never tell her that and that we can’t talk because he doesn’t do that if he’s with someone. Which I admire that but it’s killing me. They have a lot of issues there’s quite a bit of age difference between the two of them he was a lot older and she was only 16 when they met I think there’s a lot of problems to the age difference and how young she was when they got together. She’s only 29 and he’s 48 he could be her father. He lost a daughter at five years old that would be the same age as her if she had survived. It’s more like he raced her then being a couple and maybe I’m wrong but it just seems so odd and they’ve been together for 13 years. He Has three other daughters that are within 5 years of her. When we were together he always kept on talking about his comfort zone when we got back together and that’s the reason why you thought it want to get back with her and plus to get his family back because he also has a five-year-old and 11-year-old with her. For whatever reason there’s lots of different things that has caused me to fall in love with them we had such an amazing connection personality wise our interest able to complete each other sentences we knew what each other is thinking with us he either one of us having to say anything. The fact of him being 35 and her 16 that pretty much grosses me out but he’s a great guy and for some reason I can look past that which I never thought I could he doesn’t have a stable job only works part time. Which was due to him having rental property but in the dividing of their property he got the house and she got all the rentals so he doesn’t have any income coming in, so has went out and got a part-time job not successful with getting a full-time job none of that even bothered me. Because we just had this amazing connection and he seemed like a total soulmate for me it was just like an instant connection of communication and understanding of each other pretty unbelievable. They keep on having arguments back-and-forth even now as they are trying to work things out she’s going out acting as if she single not quite sure what he’s doing but I do know that he was heartbroken and he was devastated over the fact that it wasn’t with her so I know he’s crazy about her and wants to be with her I think she’s finally growing up and realize that he’s an old man compared to her and she should be with a man her own age or at least closer to her age. I guess my question is since I’ve never had such a connection with a man like this we hit it off so well we couldn’t stand being away from each other and it was just as much him as it was me I let him initiate it all. I’m heartbroken and devastated over the whole situation and just curious to know how people fail or their opinion of if there is a chance for him to come back or was I just a stepping stone to try to get him past her? The whole saying that this post is about that if you love somebody let them go if they love you they will come back that’s what I keep thinking your thoughts thanks

    • Beth 13 March 2015 at 4:04 pm #

      Any thought or suggestions?

    • philosiblog 18 March 2015 at 5:42 am #

      Thanks for sharing your story. As for what you were to him, that’s anybody’s guess. He may be honestly trying to quit her, but she has a grip on him. Or he may have had feelings for you, but not realized how many feelings he still had for his ex. Or he could just be all mixed up, and reaching out for help wherever he can find it.

      The important question is what will you do now? Will you wait by the phone for him to call, or will you get on with your life? That choice is yours, and yours alone. Yes, there will be days when you will be strong, and others where you cry. That is part of the process. But you can do whatever you want, if your want for it is strong enough.

      Stay strong through this time, and you will soon be able to handle practically anything.

      • Beth 24 March 2015 at 9:05 am #

        Thanks, I appreciate your advice.

      • philosiblog 29 March 2015 at 10:59 pm #

        Thanks for the kind comment, and for stopping back. I am glad my words were of use to you. Stay strong, always.

  13. Rory 12 March 2015 at 4:54 am #

    Hey there, just looking for a little advice. My ex girlfriend and I dated for 2 years. For the first year we were long distance and then I decided to move to the city in which she lived. We had a fantastic relationship. Fought maybe a little more than desired, but we made so many amazing memories together and were beginning to talk about our lives together, even though we had only known each other for such a short time. It was beautiful.
    So I moved in with her and her roommates. After a few months, she understood that I needed my own place, and I moved out. She still slept with me every night; the move out was more of an effort to remove myself from the stresses of the other roommates. At this time, I was unemployed and anxiously seeking a job. The search went on and on for a few months, to no avail. As winter began, I found myself couped up in the house all day with nothing to do while she worked and had a sense of purpose. I was, and still am, so proud of her and was very supportive of her throughout. However, these long months understandably made me very angry, and I misplaced my anger on her. She broke up with me almost 2 months ago.
    The first few weeks were very hard on me. I’d call and text all the time, begging for her back. Then, no longer than 2 weeks after we had broken up, I come to find she is seeing another guy. I immediately cut back the calls and texts and gave us both space.
    Today, I have figured out how to be happy without her. I miss her, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I never got her back. However, just as I’m about to move on and be with other women, she finds out that I’m talking to girls and starts sending me pictures of us from back when and songs that remind her of me, etc. She is still seeing the same guy, but he’s “not her boyfriend.” I’ve made so many positive changes in my life that i wanted to make (ex. Getting a job, in great shape, happy being single), and I want to show her, but she won’t let me. She continuously shuts me down when I ask her to drinks or to walk in the park, but whenever I talk to a girl or don’t respond to her its like a personal attack to her.
    I guess my question is, I let her go. I gave her space. She’s still seeing this guy, but seems like she doesn’t want to let me off the leash. I love her but can’t go through with this roller coaster any more. What do I do?

    Thanks in advance for your help :)

    • philosiblog 19 March 2015 at 2:50 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your story.

      That might be a useful angle. Let her know that you aren’t a dog on a leash, or that you won’t be her back-up second-string guy. Let her know you have moved on (at least it sounds like you have, based on the last two paragraphs), and you wish to be left alone.

      My guess is that she is doing it because she can, and you have not yet given her a sufficiently clear or forceful message to stop. I would think it wise to put that action on the top of your list.

  14. JoannaMarsh 14 March 2015 at 8:05 am #

    I have been Online Dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. Things were absolutely amazing the first 8 months. This last month now things have incredibly slowed down. He doesn’t talk to me as much, and it is not that he does not have time. He is online, and I know he talks to some of his friends. I have confronted him about his distance many times, and I always get the same excuse, school. I realize school comes first, and I would not have a problem with that if it were true. I see that he plays games while he supposedly doing “school work”. First thing that came to my mind is that he is over me, and just did not know how to say it. I spoke to him and he assured me he loves me. We have about a 6 hour time difference between us and he blames lots on that. Though, I am aware of the timing and so I make sure to only speak to him at the appropriate times. I am quite smart about trying to do everything to make it work for him, to try and continue to communicate with him. I am unfortunately the only one who tries to make it work though. I am always the one who starts the conversations. If I did not respond for about a week or so, which I have done, he would not respond. Finally after a week I missed him so much that I messaged him. It was ridiculous afterwards him trying to pretend like everything was still fine and ok. I thought of him everyday. I was waiting and waiting for him to message me and tell me he missed me. This did not happen. I was the one who did so, and when I did, I got the same excuses every time. “School” and “Work” as well as “Hours”. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Things are really slowing down. I don’t know what I should do. I have a really strong love for him, and he says he does for me too. I want to try actually telling him I’m leaving instead of just waiting for him to respond. I just don’t know what to do. He acts like everything is fine between us when we speak, but it’s really not. We barely speak, please help.

    • philosiblog 19 March 2015 at 2:55 am #

      If you value honesty and integrity, you have the wrong boyfriend. It’s hard to put it any simpler than that. You have an idea as to what things should be like, and you try to make it work. But it appears that he doesn’t have the same idea, nor is he willing to put in the effort. He regularly lies to you and does not treat you well.

      My recommendation is to get out of the relationship (as he already appears to be out of it), and find someone who is worthy of someone as nice and trusting as you are.

  15. Paul 15 March 2015 at 6:27 pm #

    About a month ago, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. We had a fairy tale relationship. We met in China while we were both studying abroad. I’m from New Jersey and she’s from Florida. I went to China for a year to study the language, while she was there straight from high school to study the language for the next three years. We fell in love and became inseparable. When it was time for me to leave, we decided to tryout a long distance relationship to see how far we could go. It wasn’t easy, but for the next 2 years we went through the pain and tribulation of a long distance relationship. During those two years, I went back to New Jersey to finish college and she stayed in China to get her degree in the language. We saw each other during the winter and summer breaks. We skyped everyday to maintain the communication and contact. After the two years, she came back to Florida and I had graduated from college. Then I made a life decision to move to Florida to be with her. Like all relationships, we had our good times and bad times, but we still loved each other. We traveled together and met each other’s families. A year ago, the relationship became stagnant and we became too comfortable. She broke up with me because I took the relationship for granted and she wanted to see what else was out there, but I begged her to take me back and so she did. I promised her that I would change and we ended up moving in together thinking it would help the relationship, but I would constantly let her down. We also both had our infideities… I went to massage parlors and saw different women. She was planning on breaking up with me so she saw this guy while I was in New Jersey visiting family. And when I came back, she broke the news. But again, I forced her to stay with me. So she did. I promised her that I would change, and I did for the a little while, then I would regress back to my old ways. Then last month I regretably showed some aggrresion when she locked herself inside the toilet ignoring me, and I banged the door multiple times and left holes. She broke up with me that night. But we were still living together. Two weeks later, we got to this big fight and I didn’t give her any space so she moved out to her parents house while I had to find a new place to stay. The next two weeks, we did not contact each other at all. But then we started communicating through emails and text messages, because I had to pick up my stuff. She wanted to see me and we finally talked it out and each took responsibility with what went wrong in the relationship. We still love and miss each other but I’m afraid it may really be over. I’m taking this breakup as a time for me to reflect and improve myself. But it’s hard because I felt like I messed up and missed out on a really great woman. She’s beautiful, smart, and comes from an educated family. Because of my actions, I let her get away from me. I would text her from time to time telling her that I miss her and she would say the same thing but would say that we need this time apart. I want to move on, but I can’t stop thinking how much I messed up on the best thing that ever happened to me. Was this meant to be?

    • philosiblog 20 March 2015 at 2:32 am #

      Thank for stopping by, and for sharing your story with us.

      Was it meant to be? No one can know. The questions are :
      1) Why did you wait so long to start working on the issues you face?
      2) Are you willing and able to change yourself into the person you say you wish to become?
      3) Are you going to start today?

      I would have to say that until you can get beyond the issues you have identified in your post (and any other issues you and she discussed, but were not included in the post), your future together doesn’t stand a chance. That said, you have much work to do before it could even get started again (and so does she, but she must address that part of the relationship herself).

      Leave the worry for another day. Focus on what is in front of you, the issues you face in your own life. When you have improved those areas, and whatever other areas you choose to work on, then you may be ready to ask the question. Until then, asking won’t help, right?

      Stay strong, and work on improving yourself. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your future, in my opinion. Take what of it you will, but remember, your future is what you are willing to make it into. Your efforts, or lack of them, will help shape your future.

  16. Jean 17 March 2015 at 8:07 pm #

    Hello,
    I am writing in hopes of getting clarity on my current situation. I met someone back in June 2008 and began a relationship in August 2008. At the end of August, i had to go away to college and my heart was broken because in just that little bit of time, i grew to love that person. He told me we would stay together and all would be well, i would visit and he would visit. Well my first visit was for my birthday at the end of October 2008. I went to visit for the weekend and something didn’t seem right, there was a feeling of disconnect which is the worst feeling in the world. I found out that he cheated on me and i was so heartbroken. He told me it was because i wasn’t around and they were lonely and needed companionship. It hurt even more because i kept telling him that if he wanted, that we could just be friends but just to not play with my heart. Anyway, fast forward to the summer of 2010 when he was in the relationship with the same girl he left me for. I was attending a friends birthday right down the block from his house and asked if he wanted to get together at Starbucks. He said that he would love to see me and invited me to his home that he shared with his roommates. I went because i respected his relationship and knew i wouldn’t put myself in that position even thought he did it to me. His girlfriend wound up surprising him and came over to his house and she had a key so she saw us sitting on the couch and was not happy. I left right away and went to my friends house to get ready for the party. A couple of weeks later, he called me and told me they broke up because i was in the way. I don’t see how i was in the way when i was at school but i couldn’t say anything because i shouldn’t have been at his place. After their break-up, he did not talk to me for months. Then he started emailing me and telling me that he missed me and in reality, i missed him too. We wound up getting back together in January of 2011 and i would pretty much stay with him 3-4 nights out of the week. Eventually i caught him chatting it up and on websites looking to meet girls. With everything i went through, i broke off our relationship and decided to go my own way. I met someone else and became occupied with them. Two weeks later, he called me crying begging me back into his life but i had become so wrapped up in another man that i did not care. After all i was put through, i was now getting attention and love i deserved. He wound up getting into a new relationship a couple of months after we broke up and we were both in what seemed to be happy relationships. After about a year, he reached out just to say hi and see how i was doing. We would communicated here and there and always say we needed to get together but it never happened because his GF was “crazy”. Fast forward all those years and he reached out to me this past May 2014. He wanted to see how i was doing and how life was and i decided to tell him that i would be moving down south for a job in July. He was surprised but said he wanted to get together before i left which i agreed to. When we got together at the end of that month, a rush of feelings came back to me. It felt like i never had closure for our break up and i felt overwhelmed. After we left each other, i cried my entire car ride home but i could never figure out why, maybe it was because i missed him. Then the next day he wanted to hang out and the next day and so did I so we hung out the rest if the weekend and had such a nice time. Then, sparks flew and we crossed a couple of lines and our love seemed to be rekindled after 3 and a half years. Since that, i was already single, but he broke up with his GF and we have been talking and face-timing every single day. We have visited each other once a month for long weekends and even week long periods. Recently since his last visit, i felt some type of disconnect and found out that he has been meeting new people and making new female friends just to hang out. With our history, apart of me is uneasy with this as i never know what he is doing anymore. He doesn’t text me all the time like before, he doesn’t call me all the time like before, he doesn’t really even say i love you unless he knows I’m upset. I told him that i would go back to be with him as i want to work on us and give us a second chance and he just keeps saying that i shouldn’t worry about it and i should live my life and that he even eventually wants to move but not to the state where i am.
    I honestly think i do need to let go but i find myself struggling. I do love him and i want him to be free but then i think about my heart and i don’t want to let go because i love him, and in these past months that we have been somewhat together, i have grown a deeper love for him which makes letting go harder. Here is our second chance to try and make things work and we wont even get the serious opportunity to work on it. The distance is a factor and so is time because I’m always wondering when i will see him again. What do i do? It seems like he is losing interest day by day but when i pull away, he always asks me why i haven’t called and why am i building a wall…he always says nothing has changed, im just making new friends. But in my gut, something doesn’t feel right and i kind of feel like hes not telling me because hes too worried about hurting me.
    Please, any advice would help. I feel i need to move on but i don’t know how or where to start. I feel like if i cut off communication, we will never speak again and i don’t know if i am ready to make that kind of cut in my life.

    • philosiblog 20 March 2015 at 3:21 am #

      Thanks for sharing your story with us.

      My first thought is “Will a tiger change his stripes?” He has a history of being ‘lonely’ and picking up girls. Will that ever change? Are you willing to put up with that? Is that the future you wish to have in a long-term relationship? What about marriage or even a family? You may be willing to put up with it now, but what about later?

      It may be likened to removing a band-aid – do you want to pull it off fast, or slow? Both have pain, but some prefer smaller pain spread out over time, and some prefer to pull quickly and be done with it.

      You need to decide what you want in a relationship, and what pain you are willing to accept. It appears that you are afraid to simply pull off the band-aid, and would rather pull it slowly, hoping it will stop hurting at some point in the future.

      I don’t think this strategy (or relationship) is going to work well for you. I don’t think he will change, and you are in for a lifetime of hurt (or at least until you finally break off the relationship and begin healing).

      You are strong enough to make this decision, and you are strong enough to live with it. It will hurt, no matter which way you choose. But you will not be able to get back on your feet and start looking for someone who respects you, and whom you can trust, until you are ready to let go. The choice is yours, as are the consequences of the choice, for good or for ill. And realize that while I have presented two choices, there are always other paths to take. You could try to get him to change his habits. You could try to impose rules. But I believe his past actions point to the futility of those paths.

      Think about it, and then make your decision.

  17. 1 Corinthians 13 18 March 2015 at 3:24 pm #

    I came across this article because I have been feeling hurt & did not want to believe ‘if it’s meant to be, it will be’, but reading this has increased my hope & reminds me that I must trust God & his timing. My 3 year relationship ended about a month ago; regardless of our break up we are both very much in love & have communicated a few times after the break up. I was glad to see you quoted 1 Corinthians 13 in this reading; it has been a motivation in my life & if my ex-bf & I are not meant to be then I hope God sends me a man that believes love to be just that! Before we broke up I read that verse to him, & told him that love perseveres anything, but that didn’t help change his mind. He is a business guy, very busy, felt guilty that I wasn’t receiving enough time from him & of course I would complain about it sometimes (my fault) even though I did my best to understand. He said he was no good to me, he is based a lot on looking at the reality & not so much on the love, where I am the opposite, he also said let’s take this time to be away & focus on God, pray & if we are meant to be then we will. We both speak English, but are both different race & culture, a lot of the hangout times we had with his friends we would end up arguing because I got a feeling of being left out & with that came disappointment (the group would speak their native language 95% of the time & I would feel left out), he did his best translating but it just wasn’t the same. So what lead to the break up was #1 his time & business & me not coping so well with it as of now, #2our arguments when we would attend gatherings with his friends/church, #3 his church, he says he feels I’m not happy in his church & he can’t force me into it yet he can’t marry someone that will leave his church in the future (they are very Orthodox, no change). On my end, I accept that we both did forsaken God in our relationship & our life, and I really feel like this is a calling from God to get us back on track with our relationship with him first. In my heart I feel we are not done, I believe true love perseveres & I love this guy, plus I honestly feel like I forgave him already for “giving up on us”. I do have those moments though where my positive feelings gets a 360 degree turn & I feel confused; I keep going to Philippians 4:4-7 as my soothing verse. Coming from divorced parents, I am anti-divorce and anti-break ups and just pray for God to guide me. Please pray for us.

    • philosiblog 20 March 2015 at 3:09 am #

      Thanks for the kind words, and for sharing your story.

      We all have issues, we all have problems. Learning how to solve them, first as individuals, then as a team, can be challenging. If you plan a future together, learning to solve them together is an important skill to develop. Addressing the religious aspects of your life is fundamentally a personal issue. But you need to be able to work on it together in the future, right?

      Work is a constant threat to a relationship, as both require time and energy, and are often contesting for those precious resources. Will his job always take that much time, or is this a busy couple of months (or years)? Businesses often go through cycles, will his job be less busy in a few months or even years?

      As for the language issue you mentioned… It doesn’t sound like it is ever going to go away. Not unless you two move away from his friends, right? Have you considered learning his language as a way of leveling the playing field? Have you tried to impress him with the level of rudeness by taking him somewhere and only conversing in your language, and leave him out? Has he experienced this, or have you been too considerate to be that rude to him? Sometimes it just takes a little awareness for someone to understand.

      Life is busy, and having a solid place on which to stand is important. It sounds like your faith will be that rock for you. I would agree that starting there will be a reasonable first step. Once you are more stable, you can better reach out to him, to forgive him, to help him, to love him.

      You are stronger than you know. Believe in your strength, and take the actions you have planned. The future is still as cloudy as it has ever been, but with a firm foundation, I believe you will weather any storm which might come your way.

      • 1 Corinthians 13 20 March 2015 at 3:29 pm #

        Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I definitely agree that I must build up my foundation of faith prior to anything else; I’ve been there before I just had a tough 5-6 years after my parents’ divorce in which God was not my priority anymore. My dad left my house & our spirituals life went downhill.

        Onto the points I mentioned about the break up, his business is in the beginning stage, meaning it will take a while for it to fully establish; I understand that & I’m able to wait. The language issue, I have stated that I am, (not try) I am going to learn, I’ve just been busy with school & work it hasn’t happened yet, with God’s will I’m graduating this year & I will have more free time to take on a foreign language class, but for some reason that wasn’t enough to get him to I guess believe in us? He knows what it feels like to be in a world with a different language, he came here at the age of almost 20 knowing no English, it’s been almost 7 years since & he speaks it perfectly. I don’t think he needs awareness to understand though, he is just being I guess kind of self-fish about it? The religious aspect of my life, I totally agree it’s a personal thing, & that’s his point, he doesn’t want me in his church because of him, but because of me. I’ve been on a confusing stage with church; I grew up in an evangelical apostolic church however I don’t think I can ever go back to it, going to modern non-denominational churches doesn’t feel right either. He is Orthodox & that is a completely new world to me in which I would give it the chance to learn more about, after all I believe in their doctrine but again time & I guess lack of motivation kept me from learning more about it, making me not enjoy his church because it’s so different.

        I text him yday, asking him if he was sure he didn’t want to give us a try again? Start new knowing the mistakes that were made & make it for the better? He said he had not had his time yet to start again (it’s been almost 1 month post breakup), but that it wasn’t a bad idea however not now (I know for a fact he doesn’t want time to mess around, but more to build himself up). I’m planning for that to be the last time I reach out to him for now and just let things fall into place and allow God to work in our lives. If he comes back then great, if not then there is my answered prayer, we are not meant to be and I really do deserve better like he himself said. I do see that it seems like I tried for this to work more than him and that is not fair. So why do I still care to get back? I think it’s just this foundation of love I have within me, to love the way God loves his people & not give up.

      • philosiblog 29 March 2015 at 6:33 pm #

        It sounds like you have a pretty good idea what you want, and what path you are willing to travel. Stay strong!

  18. crissayyy23 21 March 2015 at 10:00 pm #

    Hey, I like what you’ve written here. I just want to share a short story of my life with you. I was in a relationship until about an hour ago when I realized my boyfriend had been acting distant and I couldn’t deal with it anymore so I broke up with him. He didn’t say much all he said, was “okay” and he hung up. I am hurting because I really love him but I’m strong enough to let go and realize that I don’t want to be treated that way by him and I rather be alone in the misery of letting him go. I keep questioning if I did the right thing, if im being dramatic or irrational but I guess that normal and when I remember how horrible I felt with how he treated me It re-assures me I made the right decision. If he comes back and apologizes and tries to work things out I might consider it but since I know how he is already, I might not. My question to you would be, “What is the best way in sticking to my decision without feeling regret?” Thanks.

    • philosiblog 29 March 2015 at 7:06 pm #

      There is always the wonder about the unknown, the ‘what if I had…”. If you call that ‘regret’, then you will always have some. The human mind seems to be eternally curious. If you choose path a, there will likely be a part of your mind asking ‘what would have happened if we had chosen b instead?’ That seems to be normal and healthy.

      To me, regret is when you have made a choice, and have realized that it was probably not the best choice, or that it has had an unwanted adverse impact on others.

      If the thoughts of ‘what if’ become an obsession, something which constantly occupies your mind, then it has gone beyond regret and to something unhealthy.

      As for how to stick with it, I (being far more logical than emotional), simply weight all that is known about each path (for there are always unknowns, right), and chose the path which best suits the situation. For those who are more emotional, your feelings (and probably theirs) will have to be considered as well.

      For me, sicking to it requires the chosen path to remain the best path. I am willing to alter my path, if it is no longer the best way forward. Again, I use logic to do so. Those who are more emotional will have to take their feelings into account as well. But as long as you believe your path to be correct and just, there should be little room for regret or doubt.

      You can always go for the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ method (not very effective in matters of the heart), or find a pleasant distraction to keep your focus on other things (also only marginally effective). Ultimately, you will have to believe in your decision, and have faith in your chosen path. That is the best way to avoid regret of any form, at least in my experience.

      I hope that helped. But remember, you are stronger than you imagine, and you can handle this, or anything else placed in your path. Believe in yourself!

  19. Josee 22 March 2015 at 3:22 am #

    Hello,

    …I was very attracted to a man in 2011…he seemed to be interested too, but he sent mixed feelings so I waited, waited…i didn’t want to invite him because in my mind a man has to invite a woman and i wanted to be chosen by him officially. We always had nice conversations when we were seing each other in the corridors of our apartment building and he had always that sparkle in his eyes when he was talking to me…then one day, in june 2012, i saw him with a girl. a girl that he obviously didn’t like. I never saw him looking at her, never saw him talk to her…I even thought that she was maybe a member of his family or else. My summer 2012 was a nightmare, I didn’t want to live anymore, I was so sure that I would end up with him….Anyway in september I decided to tell him I was interested. I couldn’t do it face to face, I was too shy, so I wrote him a letter. I had no answer for a few weeks, so I wrote to him again to tell him that I didn’t understand, that I thought we had a good chemistry. He wrote me back rapidly to tell me he was seeing this girl, but that he was stuck with her (he obviously didn’t chose to have her in his life), that he was interested in me but he had to think because decisions were hard to take….I didn’t want to wait after him who was seeing another girl, that would have been a lack of self-respect and I valued myself more. So I wrote to him to ask him to see him ( I wanted to understand better what was going on) and …no answer…that is how it ended…I wrote to him 4-5 times in the following months because I was hurt of what happened, I couldn’t believe that someone played with me as I was so sincere with him. I had put my heart in the letter I wrote to him….I’ve never had any answer to my messages. It was easier for him to stay with a girl he didn’t like…I understand today that he probably was honest when he said he was interested in me, but was a coward. I don’t think anymore that he wanted to hurt me on purpose. It took me a few years to heal from this, because he was the one for me…Since then, I keep seeing his family name everywhere (a name that is not that common in my province), and a few days ago, I was watching Youtube when a clip that I didn’t chose started playing and …the singer was almost identical to him…I felt again the excitation in me of seeing him, of remembering his physical appearance that was so attractive to me…and then…I felt heartbroken again… the hurt is still very alive in me. I want so much to believe that these are signs that he will come back to me…i know that he is still with this girl (how can it be possible, he was not attracted to her at all….), but I want to believe that one day he will put a balm on my hurts and that at last I will understand what happened back in 2012. How can I forget him when I keep seeing things that remind me of him…are these signs of something positive for the future or just that I am destined to suffer… I have met no one else to forget him..it is hard in the thirties to meet someone…

    thank you for reading me

    • philosiblog 29 March 2015 at 10:58 pm #

      Thank you for stopping by, and for sharing your story.

      As for finding someone new, it is hard to go somewhere while looking in the rear-view mirror. Until you can let him go, allow him to live the life he chooses for himself, you will not be free of him. Until you let go and quit forcing your thoughts to be about how he comes back, you will not be free of him.

      Once you let go, and realize that you have no power over him, that he must live his life and you live yours, you will be able to start seeing other people around you, and noticing who is noticing you.

      Once you let go, you can begin to reclaim your life, as it appears you are living only for the day when he comes back to you (not that it appears you ever had him, right?).

      You are living outside reality at the moment, and I can understand why. Reality is not pleasant, and this other place gives you hope. But it is a false hope, and you are trapped in it like a fly in a spider web.

      You must break free and become the person you are meant to be. You have other things in your life, if you can look past him. You can do other things to improve your life, your skills, and contribute to the lives of others.

      You will never forget him, just as I have never forgotten any of my prior loves. But with time, he will fade, as will the hurt.

      Please understand, I do not believe any of us were destined to suffer. That said, many people *choose* to suffer. There is a difference.

      Be strong, and believe in yourself. You can get through this, and on to the great things which await you.

      • Josee 31 March 2015 at 12:07 pm #

        Thank you so much for your words. You are right about everything…I know deep down I have to let it go, but is not easy. Reading you gives me the strength to do it. Thanks again for taking the time to read me, your reply warmed my heart this morning and I want to look ahead.

        :-)

      • philosiblog 13 April 2015 at 8:28 pm #

        Sorry for being so long in responding. Life has a way of getting busy.

        I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say I’m right about *everything* (at least my children would not agree with that statement), but I’m glad that we have found a common understanding of the situation and agree on a path forward.

        As for the strength, that has always been within you. I am happy to have helped you find it, and to have encouraged you to use it, but the strength, it is all you.

  20. SoSO 31 March 2015 at 10:45 pm #

    Hiii. So I have a best friend and we met 4 months ago. Well when we fisrt made he staretd flirting with me and I told him I wait about 2 months before I decide to get in a realtionship. We grew to be good friends in the first month. Then he told me he loves me. I was shocked. But after we still grew closer and closer. Now he is my best friend. I told him I loved him, but he felt I didn’t like him . After a month he got him a girlfriend, I was pretty upset. But I soon begin to love him more and I felt jealous. moved on and he went with his gf and we remained friends. He has been with his girlfriend fo rnow 3 months, I think. Just a month ago we started to talk more and we were falling for each other. We started to talk like we did before when we first met. And we realized we loved each other. Now I think it has been weeks and we have grown super close and our friendship is amazingly tight. But he still has a girlfriend. He says him and his girlfriend haven’t talked in months and when they do talk it is barely. HIm and his girlfriend are like fading away while him and I are growing closer and stronger. He tells me I make him feel wanted, special, and I make his heart beat fast and stuff. Now he says he wants to be with me and break up with his girlfriend. Me and him have talked a lot about it and I tell him he shouldn’t and that we should stop flirting but we always go back to flirting. It is like we can’t stop. We even tried not talking to each other for a week, but it was hard and started talking again in just a day.
    I have met his dad, cousin, and I kinda know his brother. He says his girlfriend has never met his dad nor cousin nor brother. When we decide to stop flirting, it feels awkward and when we decided to go seperate ways by him staying with his girlfriend and me moving on, I literally cried and he was about to also. We weren’t very happy. Of course we have planned doing this many times but we end up back to the old way.
    But the thing is he wants to break up with his girlfriend for me. What should we do? Because he is planning to do it this weekend, the beginning of April. Please help. Thank you!

    • philosiblog 13 April 2015 at 9:01 pm #

      Sorry I am so late in getting back to you. There is little you can do until he decides what he is going to do with his girlfriend. Until that relationship is over, you will be the ‘other girl.’ That may not seem so bad, but if he gets in the habit of having another girl around, how will he treat you in the future? Would you be OK with being the girlfriend (or wife) while he had a girl on the side?

      Given the late date of my response, I imagine the breakup has either occurred, and things are going well between the two of you, or he hasn’t yet broken up with her, in which case I hope you have cried your last and moved on.

      No matter what happens, you deserve nothing but the best from your friends, and that includes your boyfriend. If he cannot give you the best, find someone who can. You are stronger than you imagine. Use that strength to build your relationship, or to walk away from it, if he proves himself unworthy of your affection.

  21. Gerry 5 April 2015 at 8:04 pm #

    Hello

    I courted a girl about 18 years back…. during the courtship I know the girl love me too but after a year of courtship I ask her where do I stand on her but she never replied she just kept quiet and I told her that I will let her go because I do love her so much. After 10 years I just remember her and I found out that she is already married but no kids and she is in another country, I did not speak to her until last year 2014 she saw me in a social networking and she started to communicate with me. I know deep inside of me that I still do love her and willing to sacrifice anything for her. When we started chatting on a social network one day it just slipped on my tongue and told her that I still do love her, and she reply the same. I did not know that her marriage is in the hole that way back a year ago she plans to leave his husband. What I did is let her go again for the second time. I did not speak with her for a month because I don’t want to be the reason. After a few months as I started to work on a new job and she congratulates me, we found each other again and I ask her that every time I chat with her the more I wanted her so much and she feels the same. She said she is not promising anything but she said she love me and hoping that she would be by myside. She said if I could get a job near her place so that I am closer to her to be reached and could get together. For now we have been chatting constantly and expressing our feelings to each other and the feelings are mutual. The quote is “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be”. Now she comes back again after letting her go. We have mutual feelings for each other but the problem is she is still married.

    Do I let her go or for me to stay with this relationship and take the risk to be hurt again?

    • philosiblog 13 April 2015 at 9:23 pm #

      If I understand this correctly, she has been unable to leave him for a whole year at this point? If her marriage is that bad, and she loves you that much, I would think that she would have ended it by now, don’t you?

      The question is do you want to be the ‘man on the side’, her ‘other guy’, or the ‘home-wrecker?’ If she cannot leave, do you really have her? Why is she so afraid of letting go of him to embrace you? I do not see this ending well if it remains a triangle, if all three of you remain. One must go for it to be stable. If she cannot leave him, I don’t see how you can remain, unless you are willing to deal with the repercussions of being discovered as the ‘other man’.

      It will not be an easy choice, but I don’t see it ending well, unless she can leave him first. I would talk to her and try to find out why she is reluctant to leave. Perhaps you can discuss her reasons and help her reach a decision.

      • Gerry 14 April 2015 at 8:00 am #

        I haven’t thought of what you said that I would be the “other guy”, but right now all I am thinking is I want her to be with me. as we talk these days, she told me that there is the possibility and she don’t want to lose me. But we have to take it one day at a time. As for me I just want her so bad and I am willing to wait.

      • philosiblog 18 April 2015 at 12:11 am #

        Sounds like you have the answer you were looking for, and a plan for the path forward. Good luck to you, and remember the strength you have within you.

      • Gerry 19 April 2015 at 4:34 am #

        Thank you for your reply, it just sounds like as you said it will be a long way for me to be with her until then I am not sure of her if she will go with me or the other way around, right now I have a fear of losing her. I don’t know when would this end.

      • philosiblog 21 April 2015 at 9:49 pm #

        Life does not always work out as easily as it does in the movies.

        As for how it will end, no one ever knows until it happens. In the mean time, stay strong.

  22. Natasha 13 April 2015 at 8:49 pm #

    Me & my boyfriend is in love with each other… But due to the distance we decided to go apart. What I meant by distance is that both of us are graduating from college and will go our separate ways for work. I will go back to my hometown which is on the other side of the world and he will remain in the United States. We both agreed that we can’t do Long distant relationship but do still keep in touch & will always love each other. I don’t know how to handle this if we meet each other again…

    • philosiblog 13 April 2015 at 9:57 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. I don’t know what you should do either. That will depend on many factors. The biggest will likely be where your feelings are at that point in time.

      That said, I do not believe you ever stop loving someone. You just move on to loving someone else. There are plenty of people who have been in my life, and whom I love. But that love changes with time and distance. Perhaps this will do the same. Only time will tell.

      I would try to direct my efforts, energy, and emotion into what life has placed before you at this time. The future is a great promise, and a terrible nemesis. Which one it will be is largely dependant on how we treat it. If we fear it, and are consumed by worry, it will be difficult to see the promise it holds. Conversely, if we are looking to see what promise it holds, we are less likely to worry about what might happen. The choice is yours, on what will you focus?

  23. Ecky Hade 20 April 2015 at 10:46 am #

    I tried this with my beagle once that I had about 2.5 years. He saw a doe deer ran off and didn’t come back. I hope they’re happy together.

    • philosiblog 21 April 2015 at 9:50 pm #

      Who knows. The beagle may have moved on. Dogs that take off once tend to do it again and again. 8)

  24. Stef 22 April 2015 at 2:37 pm #

    My story begins 9 years ago. I met my ex boyfriend and was so young and so in love. We both were even tho he is older then me. My mom took me to another country. I felt horrible, that I had to leave him just like that. About 2 years after I come back to the US. And I get in touch with him we talked all night, texted all day. I decided to stay here. And not go back with my mom, since we had just came for a vacation. We started living together obviously things changed. Almost 2 years had passed and we changed. I still loved him with all my heart and he was beginning to talk to other people since he thought he would never hear from me again. I think that I became very needy because I just had him here. No friends. No family. Just him. I wanted him to be like he use to be but it was impossible. As years passed he never treated me wrong, he was just working so hard for us to have everything we wanted. But he forgot that I was there. We barely talked, we use to go out and I never felt special, it made me fall out of love with him. So 3 years after that, I broke up with him. It was then when he realized the way he made me feel. He begged me. Asked. Cried for another chance. I met somone else and I started dating that person. After some months I started missing him, we are basically the same person just different gender. I got back in touch with him and we were going to try but then I got back with the person I was dating with. I don’t know why if I know we are so different. But that’s another story. He tried for over 1 year to get back with me. And I rejected him, we would go out to eat, to the movies and stuff but I dint give him the full chance. Until 2 weeks ago. I realized that he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But now is too late. Couple of days ago, after 1 week of me texting him and calling him with no response. He texted me to tell me that he is dating someone else to please not look for him. That i killed the love that he had for me, and that he wants to be happy. He gave me many chances and I didn’t take advantage of them. I broke my heart in 1 million pieces. Now I don’t know what to do. I know is my fault and there is nobody else to blame but me. All I can do is wait. But I’m afraid he will never come back.

    • philosiblog 29 April 2015 at 1:46 am #

      He might come back, but then again, he might not. Let him know you still care for him, and to have him contact you when he is free, and see what happens.

      The question is what will you do with your time? You could date, or you could try things you always wanted, but never had the chance to try. You could learn a new language or skill, take up painting or skiing or whatever. You could also take some time to discover who you are, and what you want to be. Just as long as you don’t sit there crying the whole time doing nothing.

      Don’t get me wrong, there will be times when you feel like crying. Go ahead and cry. But then dry your tears and get on with your life. You are strong enough to get through this, and anything else life throws at you. Never forget that.

      • Stef 29 April 2015 at 4:03 pm #

        Thanks for your reply. After he told me that, I did reply and I asked him for another chance, I basically begged him. Then I guess he gave his new girlfriend the phone because she replied telling me to move on, that he is telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore. Which deep down I know is not true he can’t stop loving me when 3 weeks before he still wanted to try. I noticed it was her, because in one of the messages I sent him I told him. I thought I was the love of your life, and we were going to spend the rest of your lives together. To which “he” replied. You’re not the love of my life, not even close. Now I know him too well and I know that was not him, so I replied that is not you talking. and told me it was her to leave him alone. That hurt me even more, because he shouldn’t have let her message me at all, he could’ve replied to one of my many messages I sent through the week and he decided to reply when he was with her. Now, I know I hurt him but I never meant to do it, I would never hurt him intentionally. I told him I would try for him, but after that I just said just remember that you are the love of my life and that I can happily say that I am yours. Goodbye. That was it and since then I haven’t heard from him and I think about texting him but then again he said he would change his number if kept bothering him. So I just wait.

        Like you said, I just need to keep my mind of this, I need to try to be happy without him. I feel like a part of me is missing. Somedays I feel like he will come back and everything will workout, that god wants us to be together but for the right reason and on his own time. And, somedays I feel like I’ve lost him forever. It’s very hard. But thank you for your words, I appreciate every one of them.

        As far as getting in touch with him, do you think I’m doing the wrong thing? If I don’t look for him anymore.

      • philosiblog 29 April 2015 at 4:19 pm #

        As for contacting him, I would suggest that you do so only by voice, as his girlfriend seems to have access to his phone, and no ethical problem with faking responses from him. It also sounds like he’s not much of a man, if his girlfriend is making decisions for him. If you were to get back with him, would you have to make decisions for him as well? Is that what you want to do for the rest of your time together?

        Letting go is never easy. Try to focus on what is in front of you, not what is behind you. Yes, it’s far easier for me to say than for you to do, but you can do it. Remember that thinking of him doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on, it just means you are human. You will have good days and bad days. Pull yourself back together and get back to it. You have the strength within you, all you need to do is believe in yourself.

      • Stef 29 April 2015 at 4:37 pm #

        I’m not able to reply to your comment for some reason. That is what confused me most, he is not like that. We were together for a long time and he was not that type of person at all. He did block my number so the only way would be by email, to his job or something like that. I didn’t want things to end like this, or to end at all for that matter. My friends tell me not to look for him because he already told me not to. And, well the way she replied to me says a lot about her and how things will go with them.

        Yes I will find the strength I need. I know with time things will get better if he comes back and if he doesn’t too.

      • philosiblog 8 May 2015 at 6:36 pm #

        Not sure about the technical issue. I will look into that.

        As for your friend, I agree. If they have asked you not to contact them, and gone to the trouble of blocking your phone number, that seems a pretty clear signal. If you feel a need for closure, compose a letter, handwritten if your writing is sufficiently legible (mine isn’t, so I type). In it, write what you feel will allow him to feel the space he feels he needs, and express your hopes for the future, whatever they may be. Add whatever else you feel you need to have to achieve closure, and send it by post. Then move on with your life. If he comes back, great. If not, you have the rest of your life still to live, so get busy!

        I have no doubt that you will be strong. Just remember that life will have ups and downs, so don’t get depressed if you have a bad day and spend most of it thinking of him. Shake it off and plan to have a better day tomorrow.

  25. misty 25 April 2015 at 1:32 am #

    Hi, my ex decided to come to my house unannouced and tell me he loves me cares about me Yet says he is stressed free me not being around. Why did he go out of his way to do that??

    • philosiblog 29 April 2015 at 1:54 am #

      I don’t know. Have you considered asking him? I mean that in all sincerity, ask him. If you trust him and his honesty, you’ll have your answer. A more important question for you to answer is are you prepared to have him back? There is probably a reason he is your ex. Have things changed, or are you going for another disappointing ending?

      Sorry I’m answering your question with more questions, but to get information, you will have to ask him questions.

  26. Jenny 28 April 2015 at 8:41 pm #

    I was scared by the intensity of a relationship and couldn’t understand how someone could adore me so much so I left. I came back realizing I had let go of something very special, and that I was letting my fears rule my decisions rather than my heart, however the door appears to be closed shut and I must have been right the first time and wrong now. I feel like a fool.

    • philosiblog 29 April 2015 at 4:11 pm #

      Sometimes, the level of attention one receives can be disconcerting. It can even be scary. I understand.

      However, time have moved on, and now things are different. You say the door appears to be shut. What can you do to verify if the door is closed, locked, bolted, glued and stapled shut? Or does it appear to be closed, even if it might not be locked or even latched? Communication is key in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Be sure it is over and never to happen again before you give up hope.

      If it turns out the door is truly closed, please learn from the experience, and be a bit more flexible next time. Perhaps ask them to go more slowly, to not (insert the specific action which was most disturbing to you here) quite so much. Help them understand that you have problems with that in the past, and would like to avoid repeating that with them.

      You are strong, you can get through this, no matter how closed (or not closed) the door may be. Learn, live, and love again. You have it in you, you can do this, believe in yourself.

  27. danielle 29 April 2015 at 5:20 pm #

    Came across this site when a long term relationship failed. I was a horrible girlfriend and I had to learn things the hard way. I let go of him and yes, he did come back though not as a partner but I’m truthfully happy how things turned out.

    Few months down the road, I entered my next relationship with a strong promise to myself not to mess things up this time round. He was everything that I had wanted in a guy and I thought to myself how super blessed I am to be in such a fairytale. We both wanted to settle down soon as we were nearing our 30s. However, he left me abruptly after hearing that I wasn’t a virgin. I was left speechless, shocked and tried to make him stay but nothing worked.

    It has been half a year since and I tell myself he isn’t worth it but still I find it hard to let go. How do you let go of something when you were all geared up to try your very best, yet it disappeared even before anything? Foolishly I still hope one day he will change his thinking and come back, but I know it’s impossible. I’m not sure what I can do to finally erase him from my heart…

    • philosiblog 8 May 2015 at 6:46 pm #

      Personally, I don’t believe you ever stop loving anyone, you simply move on and love someone new. As an example, I still love my ex-wife, even though things didn’t go well, and ended very badly. I let the bad memories go, and retain the good ones. I also remember that she is history and that she exists only in my past. That distinction is important.

      That said, time will soften, and begin to erase him from your heart. But if you are going to try to completely erase him, and do so now, I do not believe that is possible. When a memory of him comes to mind, enjoy the pleasant part of it, and then let it go, like a handful of leaves in the wind, or the release of a bird. It will take time for the hurt of his leaving to heal, but it will become easier to bear with time.

      Stay strong, and remember that you are, and always have been, a person of value. If he cannot look past one thing, in the long run, you are probably better off without him.

  28. find.me. 8 May 2015 at 7:06 pm #

    Do you think relationships with a large age gap can work? I was talking to this woman when I was 21 and she was 41. She was the one to initiate conversation with me. I looked up to her because she was successful and had a career that I dreamed of. She eventually ended up breaking my heart (as cheesy as that sounds). We never had a legitimate relationship but I feel like she kept me on the back burner, giving me lots of false hope. Always felt let down and disappointed. Just sucked because I would give a lot of myself to her but she only gave me words without actions. I guess i was just naive. But I hardly ever feel to anyone. It takes something special in a person for me to feel any chemistry so that’s why I felt so strongly about keeping her around. I eventually just gave up and let her go. I doubt she even knows how much she meant to me. I really don’t think she even cared about me the way she SAID she did. But I still think about her all of the time and I don’t know why. Ive moved on with physical life and I don’t contact her anymore but I know if she contacts me, i’ll fall right back into her arms with a quickness. (<— Again with the cheesiness.) Do you know why I still think about her all of the time? Is it just the fact that I want what i'll never have? Nobody know's any of this but me.

    • philosiblog 8 May 2015 at 7:20 pm #

      That is part of why relationships which bridge a gap (be it age, background, religion, etc) can prove most difficult.

      What she, as a more mature lady, wanted might not have made much sense to you. Similarly, what you wanted might not have made much sense to her. Also, how she demonstrated what she said might not have satisfied you, but may have been sincere from her end.

      As an example, when my wife and I were younger, we had to sit next to each other and be in physical contact to show our love for each other. If she sat down somewhere not right next to me, I would wonder what I had done wrong. Now, twenty-some years later, we often sit in the same room, but in different spots, without worry or concern. Just being present in the room is enough for us to show our love. What she said, and how she demonstrated it would be an interesting discussion, if ever you were to meet again.

      As for her being in your mind, I would ask if she is also in your heart. If she is, then her presence in your mind is the manifestation of what you still feel towards her. If not, then you may well be obsessing over her, something you should try to stop doing. Either way, after a break-up, you will long for (feeling) and think of the other person for a time. And with time, that feeling will fade. Remember the good times, but let them fade into the past, where they belong.

  29. find.me. 8 May 2015 at 10:31 pm #

    I feel like she’s in my heart. (Im female, by the way…) She told me that I was in her’s. But again, I think she might have just said that to make me feel good. I don’t know. Its been like two years since we’ve communicated. The feeling has faded but it still lingers as much as I try to ignore it and tell myself that im just young and stupid. It’s not that I obsess…because I don’t let her consume my mind. She’s just in the back of it all of the time like a nat that won’t go away. The weird thing is, i’ve been in LONG term relationships with two other people who I was in love with and I completely got over them within a few months to a year. I don’t even think about them anymore nor do I really even care. But this woman, who I barely knew, who was probably just using me, is the one who I think about sometimes. It makes no sense. I guess im just looking for some kind of logical answer rather than thinking im crazy. I’ll just blame it on youth for now and push it in the back of my mind until it goes away completely. Just confusing sometimes!!

    • philosiblog 20 May 2015 at 11:39 pm #

      Love can be unpredictable, confusing, and weird. Cherish the memories, and continue on with your life. It sounds like you’re doing well.

  30. Tim Peacock 14 May 2015 at 6:06 pm #

    Nice post, thank you!

    • philosiblog 20 May 2015 at 11:45 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for leaving such a kind comment.

  31. Chris 15 May 2015 at 1:58 pm #

    I recently got dumped by my boyfriend of 2 years. We will both turn 27 this year. He said he had enough of the petty pointless arguments and that I didn’t want him I wanted another version of him because I kept complaining that he wasn’t doing more in all aspects of the relationship when he felt he was doing his best. He said he couldn’t keep me happy and it hurt him alot and that even though he loves me we have to break up. He also said that 5 years from now he could only see us fighting all the time and he didn’t want that. He asked for a break then broke up with me two weeks later. I was inconsolable, I’ve been begging and pleading for him to give me another chance and he said that it will only repeat the cycle of fights. Then I realized that I really love him and I want him to be happy. I have to work on my issues as being a more understanding and less selfish person. Unfortunately I learnt a very hard life lesson and all I can do is not make those mistakes again. Who knows if he will return or not. I miss him so much the pain is devastating but I also love him enough to want him to be happy. Life is hard, each day is a step forward and all we can do is give each day our best shot and hope and pray for the best.

    • philosiblog 20 May 2015 at 11:49 pm #

      Life is a harsh teacher, giving the test first, and then teaching the lesson. It looks like you have found a path forward. Stay true to yourself, and work on what you need to become the best possible version of you which you can. Remember to always stay strong.

  32. maki 21 May 2015 at 7:17 pm #

    This has been a really helpful thread of kind words and advice… I’m feeling inspired to share my current heartbreak, in hopes of maybe a little reassuring kindness from a stranger that seems to have a lot of empathy…

    My boyfriend and I are in our early 30’s. I have never been married and have no children (and no real desire to birth my own). He is divorced (had a cheating spouse while he traveled for work, she is now remarried), and has a 10y/o child who lives about 6 hours from where we currently do. We met while he is living in this city for work, and the project was to last through the end of the year. He travels home monthly to visit his parents and child.

    We have been friends for about 6 months, and that evolved into a 100% committed, loving, respectful relationship for the last two. In those two months, we have spent nearly every day together. The only days we have not are because he was out of town with family. I realize that can usually be a recipe for disaster and codependence, but this is the most mature, sincere relationship I have ever had. We so enjoy each other, that we haven’t even bickered, much less fought and we have excellent communication. We often spend time with each other’s friends, and our mutual friends, so we still maintain a social life and sense of independence, however we are sure to sleep in the same place every night regardless of what other plans we’ve had.

    Very quickly feelings of love developed. I truly say love, and not infatuation, because at our ages and with our individual histories, we both mutually recognize these feelings as love and treat each other as such. We had already discussed with conviction that at the end of the year I would be moving along with him when his work project ends and he is relocated to another city about 4 hours away, for the next 2.5 years. We essentially already live together, but we have two separate residences, so we planned to keep our current residences, and as the relocation approached move to an apartment together. Although I have an established corporate position, I would find new work, as his income is significantly more than mine. This plan has been an exciting one to ponder over and discuss. The thought of building our lives together has been a fantastic topic of conversation and a real joy to dream up together… until we received word that he is being moved into a different position and will actually be leaving in a month. In one month!!

    This position will allow him to travel home to see his child bi-weekly as opposed to monthly, and I couldn’t be happier for him. That is a blessing! It will allow him freedom to spend an entire month at times, back home with his parents and child. All of this makes me so incredibly happy! As I said, I love him, and I realize the huge importance of the relationship with his child, so the additional time is invaluable! However this changes our entire relationship…. ends it really.

    It is simply not feasible for me to join him at this time. In this new role, there will be no apartment. He will literally be living out of a hotel room. He will be in that town on the project for only 6 months or so, and then be relocated on another, and another and that cycle will continue so there’s no real ability to settle in. This removes the sort of stability we envisioned and trades it off with more time in his hometown.

    I live in a very metropolis city and rely solely on public transportation. Therefore I do not have a vehicle, because it’s an unnecessary expense, but I have already started saving a little because this was to be remedied in the next 6 months before we would move together. He is being relocated to a very rural area with ZERO public transit and I would need a vehicle not only for independence, but to find work. Due to his great career, I would not immediately need to work, but that’s not my nature and I would go crazy sitting around anywhere, much less a hotel room, all day! Especially in a town where I only know him and he’s working all day.

    So, I am not really professionally or financially ready to leave yet, however emotionally I would go tomorrow! That’s crazy!! Our entire world has been flipped in a completely different direction in the course of a week. I was to go this holiday weekend to meet his parents and child; as I mentioned I am living in a city he was already relocated to from his home, so I haven’t had the pleasure to meet them yet. He was going to have a conversation with his child about the nature of our relationship being more than just friends and I would be a person in his life going forward. His parents already knew, but this would be my first time to meet them as well. I am no longer going on the trip and it’s breaking my heart… It’s not really reasonable to do any of that at this juncture. There is no intent on either of our parts for me to be leaving in 4 weeks with him, so there’s no reason to send his family, and ourselves on an emotional rollercoaster.

    Are these excuses we’re giving ourselves to make it easier to let go?! I think we’re just trying to be practical so that we don’t set ourselves up for hurt, turmoil and failure based on pure logistics and circumstance, and not how we actually feel for one another… Neither of us wants to present a situation in which one may resent the other later…

    All of these things have been snatched out of my reach. My entire 5-year plan had shaped up so perfectly, and it’s completely gone now. I don’t know if it’s fear… If it’s letting “logic” get in the way… Doubt? It just feels like we haven’t had enough time yet for me to make such a huge life change with complete confidence. So, all I know is that we both see that this is ending. Neither one of us really believes we can realistically make it as a long distance relationship. There’s no doubt that we’ll keep in contact, but as these things do… it’ll likely start to fade out as more time passes. He has made many friends here aside from myself and I am certain will return to visit every so many months, maybe a couple times a year, but the place that he would be making an effort to visit all the time would be for his child, and I live the complete opposite direction. I have no idea how to process all of this…

    My heart is being torn from my chest, and his too! We have shed tears and we’re hurting terribly. There was a debate the initial day we found out, about walking away from each other then, but the reality is that we would rather make a few more good memories together in the little time we have left, than none at all. It’s physically painful, but I’m just not ready to let him go yet, so we still spend every day together and do our best to laugh, joke, and carry on as if nothing is wrong. We discuss details of his move, but keep things pretty light. I would rather be happy now and grieve once he’s gone. When I’m with him I don’t want to waste time on sorrow, but every minute not in his presence I’m agonizing over the anticipation of him actually driving away down the road. I love him so much I have to let him go… I don’t know how we may ever come back together again, but if we’re meant to we will, right?!

    I’ve already buried one boyfriend from a vehicle crash. I know I can survive this hurt, but it’s almost worse knowing he’s alive out there and we can’t be together… How tragic of a heartbreak to be forced from the one you love, the one that loves you in return, and it have nothing to do with one another…

    Thank you for allowing me to vent my hurt.

    • philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 3:47 pm #

      A very sad thing, but you are making the most of what time you have. And you already know you are strong, so all I can do is wish you happiness in your future endeavors.

  33. julietttt 23 May 2015 at 8:46 pm #

    Hello,
    It’s been one whole year since I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I would like to thank you for your kind words which have helped me during my depression. A big hug from my side.

    Thank you. The amount of time you take to reply to each comment is very thoughtful and kind. I pray for your happiness and wellbeing.

  34. pinky 25 May 2015 at 11:55 pm #

    can someone give me some advise i met what i thoght was my soul mate 7 years ago, we was best friends and love at first sight ,we was togther 4 years she left me ,as i was too much for her ino she still loves me ,she is now with a new girl but i work with her and ino she still loves me ,i no her its been year n half since we split.
    btw she was my first love now i have met someone else who i feel inlove with yet still think of my ex but i do love my new girl .we been togther 6 months we resently spilt as i couldnt cope with her eneylonger ,
    im confussed one of them i belive is the love of my life my first love doesnt wont to come back the new love does wear or who do i belong to? my soul mate still does things for me gives me that look but says she doesnt wont me bk but also my new love also does the same things and does wont to come bk help???????????

    • philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 4:49 pm #

      Young love is very confusing. Kind of like learning to ride a bicycle, you think you have it figured out, and then you crash. A lot. With time, things will become more clear. In the mean time, I would like for you to consider the term soul-mate as existing separate from romance. I also want you to consider the possibility (not implied by the singularity of the term) that you can have more than one soul-mate.

      In my case, I have several people I consider soul-mates, who are not remotely romantically inclined. They are the people who were fast-friends the moment I met them. They include both genders and multiple orientations. They are my friends, and I would move mountains for them. But they’re not romantic interests.

      I also believe you never stop loving someone, you just move on to loving someone new. They will always be there in your mind and your memory. Don’t obsess over them, and don’t compare them with your new love, but understand that they will always be there. Remember the good times and leave it at that.

      Hopefully these thoughts can inspire you to look at life in a slightly different manner. Stay strong, and remember you will not only survive, but thrive.

  35. Lily 30 May 2015 at 5:53 am #

    A month ago, the love of my life decided to tell me after four years that he wasn’t in love with me anymore, didn’t want to be codependent, didn’t want to be tied down, and that he wants us to remain best friends.

    Since then, he has started dating someone seven years younger, almost immediately following, and she has proclaimed to the Internet world that she is in love with him.
    He isn’t mentioning her online openly, but we openly talk and I acknowledge they’re dating.

    We have known each other for 8-9 years now, and have run into each other throughout these years and eventually became a couple when neither were looking for a significant other.
    We felt like twin flames.
    We showed each other our monsters, and both encouraged each other to grow.
    We also both hurt each other in a vicious cycle at times when we didn’t know how to properly communicate, but learned better towards the end thanks to a couples retreat.

    He lost his job and spiraled into depression, I didn’t know how to properly support him.
    It got bad, where we would bicker about absolutely nothing.
    The retreat followed, and things got so much better.

    Unfortunately he realized we are on different levels at the moment, and now I feel so lost.
    We have both had multiple long term relationships prior.
    He wants us to be best friends because “why burn a bridge if one day you may want to cross it again?”
    I agree.
    This curiosity I have and the waiting around, but not because I have hobbies is hurting me.
    I feel like he’ll return when he knows what he wants in life, but the uncertainty is a doozy.
    I’ve had my fun dating, I know what I want.

    • philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 4:59 pm #

      Depression can be a real mind-warper. A guy can really get his head screwed up at such a time. As for what he will do going forward, only time will tell. It sounds like you have a connection with him on a fundamental level, but will it bring back romance? Again, only time will tell.

      Your future is now yours to manage. Will you spend it waiting by the phone, or will you take up your hobbies and get on with your life? That is a decision only you can make. Which path will bring you more satisfaction? Which path will bring you sorrow? While you will find your feet on both paths from time to time, on which of these will you place your focus?

      Stay strong, and find ways to enjoy yourself while time makes up it’s mind…

  36. Tom 1 June 2015 at 2:15 pm #

    Hi, I don’t know what to do and really need some advice. I have been with my partner for coming up to 5 years. We had a long distance relationship going for the 1st year as she was finishing her degree at university in Poland. While I was working full time in England. We tried to see each other every month or so which was very tough on us both but we had the most amazing time together when we were together and chatted online through Skype when we wernt. She moved to England to be with me once she had finished university and we lived at my parents for under a year which caused us some problems (due to family). We then moved out to our first place together and have since moved again almost 2 years later. We have both achieved so much together and have a deep love and understanding for each other. Through the time we have been together our intamacy level has gone to 0 for the past 7-8 months pretty much. I do not feel sexual attraction towards her anymore but do to other women. She still finds me sexually attractive and looks past this issue in the hopes of things improving or there being a solution. We have been trying a lot to make things better and connect sexually again but now I am at a all time low with things and feel I need to end this relationship. I care about her so much and I would never cheat on her, I never wanted to break her heart or my own. My question is, if it is has run its course then why do I feel so much pain at the thought of ending it, i know these things are not easy but I don’t understand why it feels so wrong to do this. I should say that I am 23 and she is 26. She is my 1st love and serious relationship, we got engaged and have since postponed everything due to these issues. She loves me and begs me to stay with her. I feel absolutely distraught with this situation and never saw this coming. I wonder if I met the perfect girl to soon in my life, as she is incredible to me and I have never met anyone like her. Please help me. How are you supposed to say goodbye by choice to some one you love, someone you have created a life with, memories, a home. I am in terrible pain inside and no matter how much I have tired to stay and talk things through and make amends, nothing has changed and the hole inside gets bigger.

    • philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 5:24 pm #

      Please take a moment and consider that your feelings for her are wrapped up in your low feelings. It is part of human nature to like the new and the shiny. But I will ask you to consider fighting for what you have. And this fight is solely with yourself. Your post is about how to say goodbye, but I would challenge you to consider staying.

      What do you think is the problem? Why has she suddenly become less attractive to you? Is it actually her, or does she remind you of something you are no longer doing, or something you wish you were doing, but are not? What did you do when you first met which you aren’t doing right now? What about the places you went, the events you enjoyed, or the times you spent together? Have you considered a relationship coach, or have you already quit on her?

      My recommendation to you, in answer to your question, is to not leave, to not say goodbye, to not break up with the person you love. To run away is often the easier path, at least for the first little bit. But it is not a sustainable path. Regret and pain line it at every turn, and there will be lots of turns. Reach inside for the strength to recommit to the relationship, to take the time to fall in love again. It won’t necessarily be easy, but I believe you can find your way back, if you are willing to put in the effort.

      As long as you try to run away, the hole will get bigger. And if you do run away, it will pursue you to the end, always just behind you. Don’t ask me how I know.

      • Tom 10 June 2015 at 9:00 am #

        Hi, thank you for responding and for what you have said. You say “what do you think is the problem?” This has been a question I have been asking myself all along, on the surface everything seems perfect with her, however it seems over the last year or 2 that we cannot connect, which we seem to have been able to ignore due to big life changes such as new jobs, moving etc. I long to feel connected,intimate,sexual passion but it’s almost like it is impossible to feel this with her anymore. I wish I could go travelling and see more of the world but she does not desire this and is very settled where we live and in her job which I guess causes us to drift apart with difference of ideas. We have some brilliant and very special memories together, and I would add that we have helped each other achieve some fantastic goals, we have also made a nice home together and know we can talk together about anything – including these problems. She is not aware but there is another girl who has admitted to “liking me” and I her, which makes this all so complex. I have not cheated and will not cheat but it is making this matter more difficult to find clarity as Im trying to judge this based on my feelings for her alone. In addition, I have sworn to myself not to tell her about this as I know this will only hurt her and make things more difficult. For me this problem has been going on for a long time now, and I have recommitted to the relationship several times thinking the future will be ok but then the hole inside returns, bigger each time our problems resurface. I am considering staying with her and getting couples therapy as we have not tried that yet, we have also been trying to have more fun together by doing stuff we wouldn’t normally do together. For the moment we are having space from each other in the hopes of gaining a new perspective on things. This is a very confusing and painful situation that we are in.

      • philosiblog 15 June 2015 at 2:56 am #

        Here is an idea which works well for my wife and I. We can both read (which we like to do) in the same room, perhaps with some candles (works better with tablets than real books) or a glass of wine. We get to be together, but get to read our own books. Is there an activity which you both like which allows you to be together, yet pursuing completely different goals?

        Another idea – how did you two fall in love in the first place? What did you used to do that you don’t do for her anymore? Don’t focus on what she used to do, as you have no way of controlling her, right? But you can choose to do things which might remind her of your early days together, and she may get the hint. Obviously, if things have changed, some of these things might no longer be appropriate. But it’s a thought.

  37. Neo 5 June 2015 at 6:01 pm #

    I have a problem which is killing me everyday of my life.I meant a girl two years ago.we were so much in love with each other.she got pregnant and things change.we had a fight and I left.after two months I came back to her to help and ask her to forgive me.she said she has forgiven me but she has a bf now.we both live in Germany and her new bf is living in Africa.and for over two months now I have been bgeing her to come back to me.for good two months she don’t want to come back.she told me to give her sometime.my baby will be born in the next month and she is expecting her bf from Africa this month. I am lost and I don’t no if I should move on with my life or still wait.please I need help.

    • philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 5:53 pm #

      No matter what, you have a responsibility to the baby. You are the father. How you pursue the relationship with the mother is up to you, and to her. Yes, you blew it. But it is up to her to grant forgiveness and to re-start the relationship.

      As for moving on or waiting, I would say there is a third option. Right now you are stuck. You cannot move forward until she lets you, and she has implied that she isn’t yet ready. Moving on, to me, means you leave and continue with your life. Waiting, to me, implies doing nothing while waiting for her to make up her mind. You can ask to be part of the birth, or to visit with the baby, but pushing too hard could lead to problems with your fragile relationship, right?

      My suggestion is to keep in contact with her, but not to the point of annoying her. Also work on yourself. There was something which started the fight months ago. Are you past that point? Is there a chance that another issue could come up and cause you difficulty in the future? Use this time to improve yourself, to work on the parts of yourself which you know need to be improved. Become the person who could be a great father to a child.

      Stay strong, you will survive this no matter what the outcome. Keep your head up, and work to become the best person you can possibly be.

  38. lost 7 June 2015 at 7:41 am #

    Ok so i have been seeing this girl for 10 months. I am 24 and she is 26. We hit it off instantly. We were great together. It was a great time. As time passed by she started to get a bit possessive. At the start i thought it was nice that she is possessive about me suggesting that she really likes me. Off late things are getting out of hand and now i am confused.

    She gets really possessive if i talk to any other female friend. Immediately she starts getting “Negative vibes” from that female. She blocked me for 3 days just because my colleagues were telling me the story about the trip which i missed coz of her. I didnt go coz i knew she would feel bad. She still feels bad about it and claims that i took away her smile.

    Again she blocked me for 2 3 days coz i was talking to her best friend who is in a relationship.

    She gets angry n mad at all the small things and make me feel like i am doing something wrong. She got pissed merely coz i accepted a friend request on fb of my office colleague. She always accuses me of flirting n gets all weird if i am standing near any female in the GROUP pic. She then goes and finds my pics from 3 4 years ago n then accuses me that i am a flirt

    Its like a guilt trip always for not doing anything wrong. I cannot keep losing people coz she gets negative vibes…

    I mentioned the word seeing coz after this possessiveness started i asked her out and shes not interested in a relationship. So apparently we are just friends but she has also confessed that she likes me alot and she does . We were reallyy close.

    She is a very insecure person and i am trying to hold it together but it seems like i am the only one trying. Recently she started taunting me for making a few GUY friends. She feels threatened and says stuff like i am not important to you etc. If i meet my friends or colleagues , it will always have to follow by her saying why do you need to meet people and talk with them

    We are really great when it is all fine but i feel like i have no room to express my feelings thinking what might make her feel bad. Its like walking on eggshells.
    For some reason i still hope that all this might go away n we will be happy again
    Will it get worse or will it change?
    Please help

    • philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 6:27 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      As for your final question, “Will it get worse or will it change?” I would (impolitely) answer a question with another question: What reason does it have to get better?

      Think about it for a moment. Her present behavior gets her what she wants. Why would she change?

      The next question I have for you is how long do you intend to walk on eggshells? Where do you see this relationship going? What is the trajectory or path it is taking? Does it go somewhere happy, or will it simply prolong the misery?

      What can you do to help her? First she needs to want to change, and your comment doesn’t seem to indicate that desire.

      Ultimately, you will have to live with her wrath, be it in the relationship or in ending it. What do you think is really going to happen? Will “all this” simply “go away”?

      You have some serious thinking to do. Be as realistic as you can, and be prepared for the consequences. Be strong, you can survive this no matter which path you take. Be true to your future.

      • lost 29 June 2015 at 5:56 am #

        Thanks for your quick response
        OK so an update..
        It has been going really great for past two weeks until yesterday.
        The past two weeks we have been meeting a lot.. spent a lot of time together.. talk all day.. it was going perfect..
        Yesterday there was this social gathering and we both had gone. The whole day i was around her. I was hoping that no one meets me and not talk to me. That right there made me realize this is not how i am. I make friends quickly and people feel very comfortable talking to me. That is how i am. And yesterday i saw myself ignoring people just to not set her off.
        But since it was a big gathering , a few people came to me and we were talking casually. She was standing besides me and was observing. Later that night she comes to me and says ” i have had enough of you , Don’t ever call me again” and that i have hunted her a lot. I just don’t understand what i did. I was talking casually. I barely spoke to two girls and i think she didn’t like it. I don’t get it!
        The two weeks where all things were good involved just “us” time. That forces me to think that she trusted me during that time because there was no need of her to trust me since it was just the two of us. The moment we stepped outside of just “US” this happens.
        I really thought she had started trusting me in those two weeks. This is what confuses me. When it is good its great . But there is no trust here . I am not sure if i should let this go or try harder. She is everything i have been looking for except the trust.
        Will this ever workout?

      • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 12:35 am #

        Thanks for the update. It sounds like she needs to work on her ability to trust before the relationship stands a chance of working. Unless you enjoy such fights every other week.

        Some people have jealousy issues, and have trouble trusting, and it sounds like that describes her. As far as I know, you can’t really help her, she will have to help herself. You have already proven that, in the prior two weeks you described in the update. The question is what is she willing to do, and what will she actually do? Until she works on her issue, all I would expect is more of the same.

  39. jojo 20 June 2015 at 11:19 am #

    Hi everybody. Thank you for writing this article and to the readers for sharing your stories…I was at such a low point today and still now its night… I needed to read that it is okay to leave a lying cheating abusive druggie player even though I had invested completely into it for the past 3.5 years of my life. The whole relationship had started on a lie. He knew what or who i wanted in a relationship. I was honest transparent. He lied. I believed. And after having cried on off since Wednesday night…i need to find courage in me to leave but how? I have never loved anyone as much as i love him and yet he abuses me emotionally, mentally, physically & verbally. I have gone past the stage of wanting an explanation or revenge. Now i am at the stage where i am angry at God that i who remembers God do not commit adultery or fornication or have any sexual contact with him or do drugs and have helped him start a business get citizenship etc am paying with tears and pain for his sins yet God does not do a thing. I am past the stage of negotiating. I just want out but how. How do i know whatever is out there is better? I am 36, divorced. Had been single for few years until i met him. He commits all the 7 sins under the sun and openly uses profanity at God. I hope somebody has some advise for me. I need to save myself and my future because I believe that is the best way to convey gratitude to God, my parents, my sister, my grandparents, my relatives, my friends and everyone else invested in me and in my life big or small. Help me to help me please. Help me to save the future of everyone connected with me or to be connected to me. All i had ever wanted was a loyal, honest, faithful, kind, loving, God-fearing man who i could walk hand in hand with, genuinely care for, love him and be always attracted to in everyway. Is that too much for today?

    • philosiblog 20 June 2015 at 5:38 pm #

      First, if you ‘need him’ but he ‘abuses [you] emotionally, mentally, physically & verbally’ what you have is most definitely not love. Yes, you feel you need him, but love is something completely different. It is interesting that you mention God and His rules, and then blame him for not stopping you from breaking them of your own volition… or did I misunderstand?

      Anger is a part of the grieving process. Obviously (from your post) you are in pain, and are grieving for yourself and the time (part of your life) which you have lost. But remember that it is a process. You will have to work your way past anger.

      As for leaving, unless the door is locked, it is simply a matter of walking through it. Any complications beyond that are of your own making. Do you have furniture? Ask some friends or relatives to help you move. And if you have to leave anything behind? What is it worth compared to getting away from such a monster? What is of more value, your sanity and safety, or some furniture?

      As for finding a good person with whom you can spend your life, does a hunter who wants a deer look in the grasslands, or do they look in the forests? If they are looking for bunnies, do they look in the tree tops, or at the ground? If you want to find someone nice, look in the places where people like that are found. Start your search for them there, and avoid the places where those you do NOT want to find are frequently found.

      And remember, you are stronger than you know. While you may still need help moving a couch, you can get through this. But it is a choice. You will have to do things, hard things, if you are to escape and get back to the light. But it is on you to do. If you wait to be rescued, it may well be too late.

      • jojo 21 June 2015 at 12:01 am #

        Thank you so much for your advise. I agree and want to leave but after the extreme highs to the dangerous lows I have gone through the past 3.5years, the world i have seen, a world i only thought existed in movies of drugs, violence and sex, it seems like i have lost a part of me and my confidence. He is the only life I have known the past 3.5 years from the moment i wake up till i go to sleep. And now i am scared. I do not know if i will make it on my own. Until now i was financially reliant on him. Just of very recently i have started a part time job in my own field of sleep medicine and respiratory physiology. I am educated. I am not bad looking. Yet i am so scared to leave him but i want to leave him in every way. Heart soul and mind. June 2013 i had wound up with an unwanted pregnancy. He left me all alone after bashing me. I went through an abortion alone, forgave him and returned to him. It is like i have become my own worst enemy because i have no confidence left. I do not care about myself like i used to. All the signs are there. I need to take a step to believe i can do it and survive and better still thrive. But every time i read stories of people regretting leaving their ex-partner…so that is where i guess my fears stem from….

        I do see a psychotherapist. She has been working with me for a year. The sole purpose of engaging her was to enable me to leave him. But my fear, or rather the saying better the devil you know then the one you don’t ties my feet…

      • philosiblog 26 June 2015 at 8:52 pm #

        Action will cure fear. So long as there isn’t any physical danger, sooner would be better than later.

        You have developed a habit, and have reinforced it for years. The first step towards teh door will be the hardest. But you can take that step. Each step after that will be easier.

        You are strong enough. You *ARE* worthy. You may have some of your confidence, but you are able to do it.

        Remember, the therapist is there to *help* you change. They cannot do it for you. You will have to want to change for them to help you change. Until you decide, there is little they can do.

  40. Terrance 21 June 2015 at 5:15 pm #

    How do I begin, I need help first of all… Me and my ex girlfriend met at my job and 1 to 2 months later went on a date and that night had romantic good chemistry sex. From then on we continued to see each other, text throughout the day and talk throughout the day and meet up to be with each other mean while having sex. I was living with a friend at the time and she had her own apartment. We would see and talk with each other so much that I came up with the ideal of moving in with her and she first was undecided about it but then felt good about less bills and having help around the house and not feeling lonely so she agreed but I really think it was self pity cause I really had no stable enough place to go. Once I moved in we were doing pretty good with each other for a while a least before a true argument occured. She seen things she sisnt like while living with me and i haves noticed thongs I disliked about how she lives as well, for example she gets lazy sometimes and ask me to do a lot like wash dishes and cook dinner after I got off work. That irritated me to the max while age just sat their watching her to shows. Then I can admit I use to leave clothes around not hung up or food out on stove cause I got tired or just felt I shouldn’t have to always put it up if I work all day also. Let me rephrase most of the time I would have to do the cleaning up behind doing all the cooking for the both of us. Anyway later she decided to break up with me cause she felt that we fell off the same paths somewhere and she said she felt I lost my drive to getting my goals accomplished and not loving myself more than I loved her. Plus the little things that annoyed her and me while living together. Well now we are broken up and we still live with each other see each other every day and text everyday we apart for too long out the day. I agreed I will move out on a certain day and she agreed with that since it’s hard to find another apartment with little income. Now the trouble is I want her back very badly and lately she’s been talking and having sex and sending naked pics to this new guy and I caught her and all she could say is I still love you and always will but she don’t want to give me false hope that we get back together cause she’s happy with things the way they are now. Which she says I just want to be free again and be single and she wants me to concentrate on making myself happy and going for a my dreams like she is. Problem is she wants to stay friends and says I haven’t completely lost her she’s just enjoying life for it is now and so I find myself confused to either let her go and maybe lose her forever or remain friends and keep it cordial and text every now and then till I see if it comes back to me fully in love with me again like I am still with her. What bothers me is she walks outside to talk to the other guy and sends naked photos of herself to him throughout certain nights and yet want me still to chat with her so she can see what’s going on in my life. N It juat gets me upset and knowing that she tells the other some of our business but we are not together at the time so that’s her excuse but if you love someone wouldn’t stop doing the things that ruins the good special thing you have with someone instead of just for a few moments of pleasure with another guy??

    • philosiblog 26 June 2015 at 9:17 pm #

      It might be that she is young and isn’t ready to settle down, or she might be the kind which will never settle down. Hard for me to tell, and probably difficult for you as well.

      That said, the decision has been made. You two are no longer an item. The question is if you will wait for her, or if you will move on. Along side that question is the other big question: What will you do with all your free time? Will you spend it stalking her (I hope not!)? Will you sit by and wait for your phone to ring, or a text to appear? I hope you will take time to work on yourself, to improve the things you know you can do better (tidiness was one thing you mentioned). Or will you use that time to learn something new or gain a new skill?

      The other question is your work. If that’s where you two met, do you still see each-other there? How will you handle that? Civilly? Will you ignore her? That is something else to consider, as you will have to deal with it as part of how you have decided to treat what is left of your relationship with her. It would be hard to cut off all communications if you still bump into her at work, right?

      • Terrance 26 June 2015 at 11:25 pm #

        Sorry couldn’t find your reply, thank you for taking the time to respond to me. Also sorry I was not specific, she does not work with me we just met at my job she was a customer that shopped a lot there. Now I have a new job and we still live together for these last few days till I move out. Now we are keeping it straight convo and no touching no emotions now while we live these last days with each other. Question that remains is should I cut it off completely cause we were friends in the beginning and I can tell we still have love for each other and want each other to have the best even without each other but it hurts knowing she still haven’t worked on her inner issues like I am while she’s already seeing another guy and I’m taking the time out to work on myself and not hop back into another relationship yet. I always tells her I love her and I hope later in life we able to come together again and can we juat take it slow but she always responds with yes I want to continue being in your life and I’m open to have you in mine cause it’s like apart of me leaving and I’m losing my best friend but I want you to let me go cause i dont want you to focus on me and I don’t want to lead you on and give you false hope. So where do u go from there??

      • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 12:22 am #

        Where do you go from there? Very good question. What do you want, and what do you expect? Can you live with what she offers, or will it be torment? Will it be a step towards reconciliation, or simply remind you of what you cannot have? Will it help you improve or will it hold you back?

        Let your need to improve guide you in making the decision.

  41. Melani 22 June 2015 at 7:10 am #

    Where do I even start! I am in my early twenties! I don’t really know what love is and if I am in love or if it’s just the a “wan’t what you can’t have feeling”? I’ve never been so confused in my life. I met a guy earlier this year “work related” it is someone that I had to communicate on a daily basis several times a day. I don’t even remember when it started but we just seemed to have a connection not knowing what we physically looked liked, age, or anything. We found out things about each other little by little all we really knew is that we enjoyed and looked forward to talking whenever we did at work. When the opportunity finally came we were able to meet in person. Turns out he was only two years older than me he was okay looking.. We continued to keep things professional yeah there’s was some innocent flirting but nothing inappropriate. I’m sure I’m skipping a lot of details.. I was out one night with my best friend and I swear I had just finished telling her about this guy at work and how something about him just made me feel different and as we are pulling up to the place, there he is standing outside! I felt like a crazy person a little, like wait, is this really happening? I didn’t have the courage to go up to him because I had only met him once in person and I felt like it was just too much of a coincidence that I would bump into him after I had just finished telling my friend about him so I text him. He ended up saying it was him but that he was with his girlfriend and cousins! As soon as I received that text I completely stop responding to him that night, until he called and met up with us for a drink (without his girlfriend). Didn’t really think of it much.. I went on to work that week, everything normal as it had been. Then after that encounter he started calling me in the middle of the night while he was out or texting me for no reason. I know I should of stopped completely but I figured it would go nowhere probably just some guy who is bored blah blah right and it didn’t help that I liked the attention I was getting from him since I knew I liked him. Anyway he asked me out just to go out for a drink, so many voices in my head said no, it’s not right he has a girlfriend but I did anyway. First night it was nothing just two people going out for a drink we did a lot of talking mostly about work.. That opened the door for more hangouts and texts non work related.. That led to us hooking up.. I know what was I thinking but it felt right and the whole time I thought well maybe things are on and off with current girlfriend.. I know doesn’t make it right.. Anyway after a few hookups I brought up his relationship and what we were doing was not right.. Finally couldn’t understand why he would express he felt someway about me but could break it off with his girlfriend? I asked him over and over what the commitment to her was, if she was pregnant?? Until finally it came to my head, I asked if he was engaged? I knew that was it because of the pause and the look he had in his eyes.. I don’t know how to explain my feelings for him, it’s a little like an obsession, we are constantly on the phone sometimes hours at a time. He comes over to see me, it is a 35 mile drive. (His finance lives 3 minutes from him) yet he only sees her on the weekend and he takes me out several times a week.. He finally made the choice of telling her he didn’t feel the same way about her anymore but could let tell her to call off the weeddig since it’s only about three months away.. This weekend was their retreat.. He has given me no clear answer of what he is going to do I’m sure it’s not easy for him but I can’t continue to do this to myself.. I had to let him go even thought he tells me that it is different with me. His words don’t mean anything unless he acts in it right? I told him to put in the effort and try to make it work with his fiancé and that I will completely step out of the picture.. Was this right? Do I let it go and see if it’s meant to be ? Now that I read this I feel stupid! It was not even mine in the first place.. Maybe the way I feel is the karma for doing something I knew was wrong from the beginning? I don’t understand how this happened to me in only hanging out with him for a couple of weeks, we instanly connected. I feel like I need to crawl in a hole and just cry :( I don’t know if we met at perfect timing or the worst timing..

    • philosiblog 26 June 2015 at 9:27 pm #

      It sounds like he likes having his cake and eating it too. Unless you want to be known as the home-wrecker, you did the right thing to step out of the relationship. If he can’t let go of her, how will he ever be able to be yours?

      However, even if he does let her go, are you willing to be in her place a year or two from now? If he’ll do this to her, what will he do to you? Do tigers change their stripes? Do you think he’ll change just for you? Perhaps, but that’s not how I would bet, not with my heart on the line.

      You will get past this, you are strong enough. You will find someone worthy of your heart, not some two timing jerk. Cry, and get it out of your system. Remember the good times, but guard your heart against his advances. Someone special is out there, waiting for you. Don’t keep them waiting. 8)

  42. Katie 26 June 2015 at 9:06 am #

    Hi I’ve been in a 5 year relationship, 3 years in long distance and the first two we were in high school together, we just ended our relationship a month and a half ago. There were no goodbyes nothing , we had a fight and the next day never spoke to each other. After reading this post and the quote itself I do understand this now how it feels and what it means. I’ve always been the forgiving type and so has he because he had always accepted me even after I would flare up on the littlest things due to my bad temper. I’ve been through so much with him that I always forgave him for whatever he did, because the love was unconditional. Always came back always begged and ask for his forgiveness when it was my fault. Not the next day , not the next hour. The exact same minute after I would do something stupid or say something bad because maybe I didn’t have a filter with him, I realised my mistakes immediately. After this breakup, I noticed there was no effort of contact from him, after all I had done , the only thing that would push me to come back to him was what he did for me the small things . The way he made me feel, the way I was committed and sincere with him, only that made me push my ego away and go back to him, but he didn’t come back. He messaged after the fight the next day as he had slept while we were fighting which is another fight on its own. However I didn’t reply to his message as he didn’t get the point, you can’t ask for an apology and keep on doing a mistake so I ignored his messaged and it didn’t bother him because there’s been no contact from him for the past month and a half. I’m surprised but know that this is his personality, I have seen the world, nothing can shock me nothing can impress me. Him on the other hand wasn’t that privileged and is finding his way. It’s sad to see that it’s been me against him and the world not us against the world. He doesn’t beg for me , for my time, for my attention, doesn’t cry nothing like he’s heartless whereas I’ve done so much for him on many occasions that I can’t even count. My feelings inside my heart are so deep and personal I only think and cry when I’m alone. I don’t share with anyone nor do I tell anyone. It’s really devastating to see what your worth really is to someone. This whole experience has made me very quiet as a person, for anyone who gets the same feeling please remind yourself how strong willed you are to be even controlling yourself through this and not sharing it with everyone. Love is quite strange , it can make you the most strongest person ever or the most weakest.

    • philosiblog 26 June 2015 at 10:45 pm #

      Have you considered that he is angry, and that anger, not indifference is his reason for ignoring you?

      Is there a reason you have not gone to him to ask to discuss the issue with him? At this point (a month and a half later), it may be a bit late, but it appears to be an option you haven’t tried. If he isn’t worth enough to you to go and ask to talk to him or even ask for his forgiveness, how can he be so important to you to be this broken up over the breakup? I’m confused, and perhaps you are as well… At least it is something for you to think about.

  43. georgie 28 June 2015 at 6:52 pm #

    Glad I found this post , well my partner of 17 years said he loves me but don’t love me no more , I know I have caused some of our rows over the years , I’m so confused , I keep getting mixed signals he won’t move out I can’t afford to we have 2 children , one minute he’s saying he dosent know what he wants , he is still sleeping in the same bed as me , and at times is saying when I say things that I’m not helping the situation it’s just going to make it worse surely if he doesn’t love me he would leave I’m so confused

    • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 12:28 am #

      Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Based on the number of years you mention having been together, it sounds like he might be having what I’ve heard referred to as a ‘mid-life crisis’, a time when a guy just isn’t sure what he wants anymore. If so, it has little to do with you, and a lot to do with him.

      Helping him understand your situation will help, but helping him understand his situation is what will likely be the most help to the relationship. I would search the internet for some discussions of what a mid-life crisis, and compare it to what the two of you are going through. See if you can’t find some thoughts or ideas which might be helpful or useful in your situation.

      I want you to remember, as tough as this might be, you are stronger than these difficulties. You can make it through, although it might not be as simple or as easy as you might wish. Remember your strength.

  44. Hopeful Human 30 June 2015 at 8:26 pm #

    This is the first time ever I am writing something like this. I met a girl and we became good friends but when she got married we lost contact. After 2 years or so, I sent a casual email and she responded back. She was going through a very tough time with her marriage and was in the process of a split up. I was there by her as a real good friend and after a year we got physical. Though we didn’t think it would go serious, we continued the same for over a year. I started having feelings on her and eventually fell madly in love with her. She tried to push me away because she noticed it and thought her family may not agree but she tried to tell her Mom about me but it didn’t go well. I convinced my parents about her and then I proposed her. She out rightly said NO, got mad at me and stopped talking. After a couple of months she wrote me back and I asked her to meet in person to express my views. I tried to remove her fear about marriage on a whole but I thought of giving her time to get through and we started seeing each other casually. She got a job else where and I used to drive 250+ miles every week(apart from my regular 500 miles for work) to spend time with her. When I am not by there, we are on facetime/phone, texting all day after work. We totally forgot everybody and everything around us. We used to miss each other and hate every moment of not being together. So I took the liberty to ask her after 8 months if anything has changed and if she got any feelings towards me because I used to feel that she was in love with me. But she said she doesn’t and that she hates herself not getting any of those feelings towards me even though she keeps wanting to. I felt keeping her at a distance would be better for both of us because of it not moving forward. But I couldn’t see her upset and started going back normal. Just a few weeks ago I decided to put an end to it assuming she would definitely realize her feelings towards me. I told her that I can’t be an honest friend for now and that I have to first let go off all my feelings before I can be a real friend and that it might take a few days to months. She wished me good luck and said any woman would be lucky to have me in their lives because she thinks I am the best man she ever saw in her life. There is no communication for almost 3 weeks now. I always thought there was a real good reason that our paths were meant to cross and that choosing a narrow and difficult path in life would lead to the happiest of the journey’s. I still keep telling myself every day that she would come back soon. I don’t know if she would or not but the last thing I ever wanted to was to see myself with another girl. I know time is the best medicine. I am keeping myself busy every day with work or work outs and being active all day but atleast before going to bed, I feel the fear of her not coming back and not being in my life and shed a few tears. I never realized human body can shed so much water and still not get dehydrated and a person like me who never shed a tear even when a family member died, it feels really weird when I think about it. I just saw this blog this morning and wanted to share this as I cannot share this to any of my friends without them judging her or making fun of me.

    • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 1:08 am #

      Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like she is having issues with how to have another relationship after her first marriage. Until she has come to grips with the death of her prior relationship (and in a way, that is what she is going through), having another relationship will by definition be too soon.

      She may also have some self-confidence issues, especially if she blames herself (even if only in part) for the failure. What can you do to help her though this tough time? How can you help her come to grips with her past and come forward to the present? The only other thing you can do is to wait for her to heal herself, if she ever does.

      Sorry I don’t have a specific path for you, or a special formula which will result in instant success. You will have to dig deep and fight for what you want, and fight in a smart way. If you don’t act with some tact or skill, you can drive her away, but with some care and love, you may be able to help her get beyond her past. It won’t be easy, but you have the strength, if you believe it is worth the effort.

  45. Ugiz Rafael 6 July 2015 at 7:22 am #

    Philsblog,

    I really need your advice. I don’t know where to start, it seems like i dont want to talk about it anymore but my heart needs answer to know if i am in a wrong path of love.
    It started here, a months ago my co-worker and i had this what you called “mutual understanding” to the point that we act like we’re in a real relationship. We really enjoyed each others company everytime we are together, to the point that he asked me if i can be his girlfriend. And i said, “I want a go with the flow relationship” since he just went from eight years relationship one month ago, i need to consider that they might fix their relationship and be together again. He confessed everything to me, his flaws, imperfections even his past relationship with other girls while with her 8 years. I was stupid to know that i’ll be one of his history that he was talking about. We’ve been together for four months, he made promises and i fell in love really hard. Three months after, someone texted him and kept on annoying him, he opened it up to me. I told him maybe it is your 8 years, then a minute ago he said yes. I felt nothing and said to him that its okey, you can still talk to her. I was so stupid that i allow him to talk to her eight years, that i didn’t even think of myself that i will get hurt, because i know he’s mine and we love each other eventhough we dont have any label. After four months of being okey, he started being so cold, he didn’t text me every morning, where he is, and dont think about me anymore. I felt something wrong and i discovered that he and his 8 eight years were nearly in a relationship again. I was so shocked, he didn’t even say to me, hey i dont like you anymore. He let me feel alone, he left me hanging with so much questions without any answer. I was really depressed, i cant even eat and do my work, but i still love him. I made a lot of mistakes and almost didn’t respect myself because i want to be with him. Even my friends dont know what to do. And now, after 7 months of sufferings we’re still in the same work, i also decided to leave so i will forget all the heartaches and bitterness but nothing happened. I stiil love him a little, and now he and her girlfriend is now separated again, we’re okey again just like before but i will not myself fall in love again. I dont want to feel the sadness again, it breaks my heart. What are the advices that you can give? Will i stop it or continue?

    Thank you so much!

    • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 1:36 am #

      Thanks for sharing your experience with us. The end of a heart-felt relationship is like a little death. You need to go through the grieving process to become whole again. You cannot spend the rest of your life ignoring or resisting love, just because of one jerk. You deserve to feel whole again. You deserve to feel love again.

      It’s good that you aren’t in daily contact with him anymore. He has his own problems to deal with, and you need to work on getting past him and the relationship which has hurt you. Everyone grieves differently, but there are places on the net to find out more about some of the standard models of grief, and see which one best matches how you have successfully dealt with grief in the past.

      Then you need to do it. You need to get over the relationship before you can move on to what awaits you out there. But that doesn’t mean you have to hate him. Perhaps he was a two-timing jerk, but you had some special moments together. You can remember those, just be sure to also remember he’s a jerk too. Remember the good times, but don’t fall for him again.

      It may take some time, but you can do it. We all have strength within us which can do wonders, if we just let it out. Use it wisely, and find your way to peace with yourself, and then move on with your life. There is so much to do, and you deserve nothing but the best. First find yourself, then you will find love.

  46. James 4 June 2015 at 5:23 pm #

    Hello

    Here is my story.
    I had been together with my girlfriend over year and a half. But recently she broke up with me, because she needs freedom and wants to have a time with her friends and doesn’t want a relationship.
    We started dating when she was 16 and I was 18, now 18 and 20. It all had started when she noticed me on a bus. I didn’t know basically anything about her at that time. Since we went to same school we started talking through friends and at one moment she invited me over to her friend’s birthday party which took place at her home. Went to the party and felt the sexual tension between us, so I felt the urge to kiss her. She was afraid that I didn’t care about her and would just not speak with her again – But that didn’t happen. We started dating till the time I asked her if we are in a real relationship now and she was super excited about it. I felt really sceptical about the whole relationship thing because I’ve been hurt so many times before and I really didn’t want feel it again. So the first 3-4 months I didn’t let her in my heart – I felt it would be a bad decision. After we had been together for about 6 months I started to realise that all girls are not the same and she might be different and started to speak more about the things we will do in couple of months. We were together almost every second we could. At our 7th month together I graduated school and decided to use my time well and go to the national military service for 11 months, since I still didn’t know what I would like to study after highschool. The first 2 and a half months were the hardest. I couldn’t get out at all and only saw her when she visited me on sundays. After that I could get outside for weekends and 90% of the time I was with her. 5 months in military she told me a shocker – the next day when I was already back serving she wanted to take a break. I didn’t even know what that was and I was okay, think about stuff. She didn’t even tell me what it was all about and told me that it might be just because I were away all the time. First day we didn’t speak at all, the next day she started searching contact, messaging me and calling, I decided to ignore her for 1 more day. The moment I replied to her she told me that it isn’t what she wants and she didn’t know what she was doing. Time passed and I forgot about it.
    I had 4 months left at the military and started to feel that something was different I started to fall in love with her, I felt the urge to tell her the 3 words… I LOVE YOU. It had been said – I was so happy at that moment – she told me the same back. The less time I had left to serve the more I felt the happiness every time I got to see her again ( I didn’t tell her that, maybe I should have?)
    The day I got out (thursday) I really wanted to dump all my stuff at home and didn’t want to go straight to her – So I didn’t. But the problem was that I couldn’t see the whole weekend I was forced to go to work and couldn’t go to her place because I wouldn’t have made it back for work in the morning. I had the opportunity to go to her place at friday but firstly my mom wanted me to support her for a day because she is pregnant and needed to go out for a day, and secondly

    [ note: this is pasted together from two separate posts, there seems to be a little missing… ]

    she wanted to ease the exam stress with her girl friends, so I let her.
    And the moment I got the chance to go to her place at sunday I was in such a good mood, but I felt that something was different, she wasn’t talking too much with me via messenger and wasn’t very amused about my stupid jokes. I asked her if something was wrong. Found out that it was the same feeling she had months about – the break. I became crushed, I didn’t even have anywhere to go since she lives so far off the city and I didn’t have any means of transport. I stayed the night at her brothers room, I couldn’t sleep and went out for a walk. Suddenly she calls me and asks if I’m alright and if I want her to come to me – I did. I had been away in the fresh air for an hour and I still couldn’t think of a good reason what and why such a thing happened. We talked for one and a half hours. She told me that she doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t need to worry what I think when she is out with friends and for how long. At the beginning of our relationship I told her that I don’t want her to go to some places because I couldn’t come or I didn’t like the guys there. But at one moment I realised that it makes her unhappy when she can’t stay out with friends so I stopped. And accepted that she isn’t the same type of a person as me. I don’t mind not hanging out with friends as long as I got her, but she isn’t that type. She was my first real relationship and so was I to her. So she told me that it isn’t the end of the world and who knows, we might get together in few months.

    The last sentence has really kept me away from sleep and I can’t stop thinking(or overthinking) about the stuff she’s now doing – seen from snapchat. Drinking hanging out with mostly boys (she has always told me she likes to be friends with boys more).
    She said that she might even be happy and jealous if I started seeing someone other.
    But still she want’s to keep me close.
    I really don’t know where I should be heading because I can’t start going forward in my life thinking that she might want me back.
    Even though I’m only 20 I haven’t loved or missed someone more in my life than her.
    Friends and family have told me to stay away and see if she feels that I wasn’t blocking her from friends, but I was there to care, love and hear her when she needed, someone who always does the best to comfort and hold her when needed. We haven’t seen for 5 days now and It’s still really hard thinking that huge part of my heart is ripped away.

    I couldn’t express my thoughts in a shorter version.
    Should I listen to the people around me telling me to keep away from her for about a month so she can enjoy her so much wanted freedom and if she still hasn’t started talking with me then start clearing out things myself – meet somewhere nice ask what had happened and if she has felt that something is missing and that she can’t live without it.
    The whole idea of a breakup seemed like out of the blue since we still had arranged big plans for the next week.
    What is my next step?
    Sincerely

  47. philosiblog 9 June 2015 at 5:44 pm #

    To me, the biggest thing in this comment is that it is the first big relationship for both of you. It sounds like she is interested in finding out more about what life could be like outside your relationship. Whether that means she will be back or not remains to be seen. But it sounds like you have something significant, and that is a big compliment to you.

    As for staying away or pestering her, which do you think has more significant repercussions? I would think pestering her could sour your relationship to the point of breaking it. Leaving her alone does have risks, but I think they may be less significant. Only you can decide.

    As you mentioned at the end, you can use this time to work on ‘cleaning out things myself’ – I presume that means taking stock of yourself and working on improving your own self, to become a better person. That is always a good use of time, and I hope you consider doing this while you wait.

    Ultimately you have to decide, and you will have to live with the consequences. But remember you are strong, and can survive this, no matter how it turns out.

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