If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown

Twoo Wuv. I mean “True Love.” From the movie The Princess Bride.

What does that mean?
To me, this quote is speaking of the most fundamental rule of the universe. Love isn’t owned and cannot be taken. It can only be given. This quote talks about mutual love and of the only valid test. If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

The freedom to choose is important, as sometimes a love is out of duty, loyalty, fear (of loneliness or retaliation) or for some other reason. In each of these cases, the love (true love) is only in one direction, the other direction of love is tainted by the reason for the love (something other than true love).

By turning the other person loose, they if they come back, it is (one hopes) because they love you, and the feeling is mutual. If they don’t come back, you would only have been fighting a losing battle to hold on to them. That is a battle that you will eventually lose, so lose it early and get on with your life.

Why is love (true love) important?
Let’s start with some definitions, shall we? Love is defined at thefreedictionary.com as “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities or a sense of underlying oneness.” and “An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or a treasured object.”

Another definition to consider is infatuation, which is defined as “A foolish, unreasoning or extravagant passion or attraction (synonym of love).” If we look at the second definition listed for love, and apply it to people instead of pets or objects, you can see how it would resemble infatuation.

To me, this is where I differentiate true love from common love. True love (you may use a different word) is between two people and is mutual in nature and based on the calling of the heart. Compare this with a relationship where one person has a form of love for the other, but it isn’t mutual. If you’ve ever experienced both kinds, you probably have a definite preference for what I call true love, right?

Where can I apply this in my life?
We all have relationships in our life. Some even rise to the level that makes it appropriate to use the word love. Whether it’s familial love, brotherly love, romantic love or whatever other label you may have, putting the word love in it, takes it to a whole new level.

How do you measure love, and what are the rules you expect love to use? What are the do’s and don’ts? Does everyone have the exact same list? Do you talk about where things stand often enough to notice that things are drifting apart, or is your first clue their last act of desperation?

An interesting description of what I consider true love, with proper motivation, can be found in the New Testament, 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verses 4-7 :

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Read the whole passage, and compare it to some of the people you love. How well does your love score by this measure? I try to keep track of my loves and keep track of how well I am doing. How often have you measured your love? It’s not something most of us do very often, if ever, right?

You may have a different way to measure love, and that’s fine. Just be sure that your partners in love know what your scale is, so that everyone is on the same page. My wife and I chose the Biblical passage above for our wedding, so we would know how to measure our behavior and our love.

Take some time to determine what your definition of love is and how it is to be measured. Then share it with the people you love and see if they agree. It might end in a lively discussion (or worse), but if that’s the case, that discussion will occur eventually, right? Do it now, before there are years of resentment built into it, and that way the hurt may be lessened and may be easier to heal.

This is probably the scariest of all the quotes I have tackled, from a practical standpoint. Who wants to take a chance at losing someone they love? But, as the quote says, if they don’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. So by not taking that leap of faith and turning them lose, you may end up pouring a lot of time and effort into a relationship that is destined to fail. And that hurts a lot more. Trust me on that one.

From: Twitter, @Quotes_on_Love
confirmed at : http://www.quotes.net/quote/18405
The photo is scaled and referenced from the IMDb entry for “The Princess Bride” (1987) by MGM

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1,343 Responses to If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.

  1. Broken girl 1 November 2016 at 8:03 am #

    My story…

    I met the most beautiful soul in the world just over a year ago. We connected instantly and we were so much alike it was ridiculous. We helped each other, lifted each other up, we were best friends who could talk about anything to each other….

    We feel deeply and madly in love and every day I woke with him on my mind and fell asleep with him on my mind. I would spend hours trying to think of ways to make him happy and help him.

    He loved me even more if possible. Would look at me as if I was the only girl in the world…

    I had a past situation come back to haunt me. And I made the fatal mistake of lying about it even tho I knew he had suffered a lot of hurt and loss on his life. This caused me a lot of stress and guilt and he was always there for me. Supportive and kind. I stupidly thought I could get it sorted then tell him. I couldn’t get it sorted tho (just to be clear I never cheated).

    I eventually told him three weeks ago and he was of course completely devastated. I had broken his trust and he couldn’t look at me the same. I had broken him.

    At first he said he loved me so much he would do and try anything to work us out and we travelled him from our holiday together. Four days after getting back he just snapped and decided he could never trust me again and he took off and got on a plane without tellin me and went home to the other side of the world. Sent a msg saying “I will always love you. You were my one and only. But I couldn’t stay I am a broken man and I feel like I would never trust you again. I can’t put myself in that position. Or you. Please help yourself and make yourself better. For me please just do that. All my love”

    He then blocked every form of communication I have with him other than email because he was so devestated

    I of course did the usual girl thing and went a little crazy and begged and pleaded and non stop harassed ???? pushing him further away and angering him. I am now greeted with anger and silence and hostility.

    I wanted to thank you for your post. I now see I need to accept that I have hurt him. I need to let him go and give him time and space to figure things out himself – if he truly loves me (he wanted to propose when I stopped him from doing it and told him as could never live with myself) – if he truly loves me I need to believe he will one day come back

    Is this possible do you think? Any tips from anyone on how I can maintain my silence without him thinking I don’t care? I had a connection with him there are saying is a soul mate connection. I love him and want him of course but end of day I want him to be happy. I just pray and hope he can find that with me one day

    • philosiblog 28 December 2016 at 5:52 pm #

      Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      Hopefully by now, you have healed a little, and have been working on your issues and the thing which caused so much pain. You seem to have figured that out, so there isn’t much to discuss on that part of your situation.

      As for communicating with him, perhaps a short e-mail, consisting of no more than a line, stating that you are thinking of him and wish him well, no more than once a month. Eventually he will respond with either a final answer, or something more encouraging. That is the best advice I have for you.

      Stay true to yourself and change to better yourself for your needs, not his. If your paths converge, then all is well. If not, all is still good, just not as you may have hoped. Learn and grow.

  2. MandyT 31 October 2016 at 9:37 pm #

    This is my story,

    I met this guy online 5 years ago. We have been casual on and off for all of those years. It’s been casual because that is where he has kept it. I, on the other hand, have been in love with him since I met him. We always have a good time. We can talk about anything, we have so much in common and really get along great. Its always been about more than sex.

    However, it always seem that after a couple of months, he just goes away. Months later after I have given up and moved on he will text and he will have been in a failed relationship and we will pick up where we left off. This happens over and over. The last I had heard from him, before now, he was in a relationship with a girl that had moved in with him. I was engaged to a wonderful man that I had meet and I was happy for him as he was for me. My fiancé was killed in a car accident which left me understandable devastated.

    About 2 months after he had died my friend had seen on FB that something had happen to me and reached out to my daughter to make sure it wasn’t me that had been injured. After finding out he reached out to me and was really a wonderful and understanding friend. We talked via text for about 2 months when he finally invited me over to his birthday party. I reluctantly accepted not knowing his current situation and how his girlfriend would be with that. He told me shortly after the invite that they had split up.

    Now we have seemed to once again pick up where we were. He seems to have changed some over the past 2 years because he is more of a cuddlier. He hugs more and wants more than a little peck when I leave in the mornings. It’s actually a pull me back in to kiss and tell me bye. He texts me all the time during the day and shares everything with me that is going on in his day. Same at night. If I don’t hear from him for awhile he always seems to tell me what he was doing or where he was. He seems a little different this time. Perhaps a little more grownup.

    I’m afraid that, in time, the same thing will happen and he will slowly fade away. I’m trying to not get to attached to him this time just in case but that doesn’t change the fact that I still love him. Maybe I’m over thinking and just need to quit trying to analyze it all and live in the moment. Maybe I need to pull away just a little more this time so I don’t get hurt again. Maybe I need to love him enough to just let him go and not be there for him everytime.

    last week was a 7 day work week for him. He works 12 hour shifts. I know he has been busy. But I still see the distance developing.

    • philosiblog 28 December 2016 at 5:46 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      Sorry to have been so long in responding to you, as I have been busy working on other parts of my life. By now, you probably know if he has drifted away again, or if it was just a moment in his life where things were busy.

      In general, when there are people who drift off and then come back, it is because you are a safe harbor for them. They will continue to look for something else, and when there isn’t anything else, they will come back to you. If you want to have a permanent and exclusive relationship, that might be something to discuss next time before you re-establish your relationship with him. Let him know that you are ready to become serious and if he isn’t, you will find someone who is.

      My concern is that he sees you as his backup plan and nothing more. If he can’t find anything else, he’ll settle for being with you until something more interesting comes along. Guys, unfortunately, can be like that. If that’s not the role you want to play in his life, you need to put your foot down and let him know that it is unacceptable.

      If, however, time has shown him to have changed, I hope you are doing well and that your relationship is flourishing. Because sometimes guys can change and wise up.

  3. daveegret 20 September 2016 at 6:37 pm #

    Thanks for this m8. Srly. God Bless.

  4. Mary 5 September 2016 at 8:33 am #

    Say you left go thinking they will never come back you moved on got married but never ever stopped loving them. Then out of no where 5-6 years later they come back confessing their love for you after you’ve been married for a year and half? Now stuck in a rock and a hard place. Stay in your marriage where you love your husband but not as much as you love another man or leave your husband for the man you love the most not knowing what may happen in the end…..

    • philosiblog 10 October 2016 at 5:30 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and posting such an interesting question.

      At some point, you have to let go. In my view (and others may not agree), once you commit to someone, it is a huge step to break that commitment. If you are willing to do that, and trust that the other person enough to not do the same thing they did last time, perhaps you go that route. Just consider what you are doing to your husband of a year and a half. Not an easy call, and I’m not much help here. Sorry about that. But you are the one stuck in the middle. Your life, and that of both the others changed with this revelation. Take a little time and think this through.

  5. Cristina 15 August 2016 at 8:22 am #

    Hey. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he told me last night that he had a crush on another girl, he said he loves me and I told him I loved him too. I broke up with him and told him I had to let him see what was going on. That I loved him and all I wanted was for him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. If he loves me he will come back. He did come back to me but now I’m scared, what do I do about his feelings towards the other girl? HELP PLEASE!

    • philosiblog 10 October 2016 at 4:46 am #

      Thanks for sharing your story.

      I would suggest you talk to him about it. If there is still enough trust, you should do well with discussing his feelings and how they have changed over time. Ask him what you can do to help him forget her or if he has discussed his situation with her. There is no easy path forward, just be honest and try to be understanding. Humans are innately weak creatures. Help him by being his strength.

  6. Tea 13 August 2016 at 2:40 am #

    I’ve been dealing with this guy since 2012 when we got together everything was great because we both was in messed up situations within our lives. He went to jail in the mist of us getting to know one another and I was there a year and a half of his 3 year sentence and I only left because I became friends with his baby mother (who was still in love with him) and we stayed friends the whole time even though I know it wasn’t genuine and that kind of out a dent in us. I met another guy while he was away and at first I didn’t want anything to with him because i was in love with him but over time I said whatever and have it a shot. I’m still with him we got 3 years in but since day 1 I never loved him like he loved me because I’m still stuck on the other guy. When he finally came home from jail we was trying his best to be with me and I wanted to be with him but I was scared and I didn’t wanna hurt my boyfriend so i stayed where I was but every day I think about the other guy, every where I go I’m reminded of him. I never loved someone as much as I love him. I recently tried to reached to him cause I wanted to be with him but he told me he was in a relationship and since he told me that I haven’t been feeling the same within. When we talk it’s like nothing never happened bad between us and he says he still has love for me and that no one will ever stop him from talking to me because we have chemistry. But do you think some where down the line in the future me and him will have a fair shot of actually being a couple? There’s still hope there and no matter how hard I try I can’t close the door between him and I. I’m 26 I have many of relationships but none of them made me feel like this. When I met him he had nothing for once I loved someone for who they are and not what they had.

    • philosiblog 10 October 2016 at 4:42 am #

      Thanks for sharing your story.

      It sounds like the first thing you have to do is be honest with everyone. Which guy do you want to tell first? That will depend on what your backup plan is. If you tell your present boyfriend first, he might take it hard and break up. Then what? If you tell your old boyfriend first, what do you tell him about your present boyfriend? Guys can be odd creatures when it comes to ego and how someone treats them. Honesty will get you some points, but the message is still the most important thing.

      Love is a problematic emotion, and there is rarely an easy solution. Take some time and think about it. Then follow your heart.

  7. Jess Cruz 8 August 2016 at 12:52 pm #

    Hello. Ahh. This is a long story. We are young and we started dating two years ago. When we were both 16… I was kind of an anxious person. I have a trouble time you know trusting and being affectionate. I’m usually quiet and show nothing but I let him in and I was somewhat going through a hard obstacle with him for a long time. He always cried and always tried… He always tried to keep it together for the first year but because I wasn’t making him too happy he was talking to a girl and said I love you to her all the time “as a friend” and I found out on his acc and broke up with him and we made promises and we both. Cried for two-three weeks and I just got confused and dated someone for a month to see how it felt for a while… He said it was cheating and he was suffering for so long after it. However, we still kept trying to talk and patch it up with love. We got back together after he came back from vacation earlier this year in January. He was different. He treated me and acted differently. He never cried anymore, he never cared if it was me getting hurt or our relationship in danger, and he just never did things with me anymore. (This was a long distance but we kept trying by playing games, watching movies, talking, sleeping, and picking fun of ea other)
    He broke up with me for a month in June for a month and came back by calling my phone and unblocked me. (But for the past month we kept being on and off… and made up immediately)…
    He said to never believe him ever again when he does this. He said he’d always love me and nothing will stop us from being together anymore. He promised. He seemed better with me recently and my birthday was on 7/25 and our anniversary 7/22 and after my birthday he started to ignore me for 5 days. He was always online going on and off whenever I messaged him if he was busy and if something was happening and he didn’t reply until 7/29. He broke up with me. He said he hated me and was lying to me up until now. He was playing games with me and was just acting nice to me. He wants to move on. He said staying with me would make his life miserable and he kept saying everything to push me away. I know I should have accepted it and let go but I kept fighting. I was trying to apply this article to me everyday but I could never understand why all of a sudden. I’m trying to keep accepting it and live presently. I still love him. He was the only one in my life that’s given me true happiness. I’m trying really to be strong. I’m still young and perhaps he will come back or not… I just… Sometimes regret and wish differently. He’s blocked me now. He said we will never get back together and never again see each other.

    • philosiblog 10 October 2016 at 4:28 am #

      It sounds like he is done with you. It doesn’t sound like the response you were hoping for, but it is what it is. It takes two to have a relationship, and it sounds like you’re on your own.

      The question is what will you do with your future? You said you have thought about it (wishing things were different). How can you apply those things to your next relationship? How can you learn from what you did, or failed to do, to make sure you try something different next time? Also consider what he did, and how you can avoid people who are more likely to break your heart in the future, or to head off potential fights by understanding him and yourself, and discussing it before it happens?

      You have your future ahead of you. Learn from the past, then continue on. It is all we can do.

  8. shubham pawar 25 July 2016 at 2:11 pm #

    Hello I have a true love on a girl but she doesn’t so can she be mine in future

    • philosiblog 1 August 2016 at 3:29 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving your question.

      Yes, it’s always possible, but my question to you is what will you do with your time while you wait?

  9. Chardae 18 July 2016 at 5:46 am #

    Been with this guys for 2 years we had a baby and moved in together we were young 18,19 now 19, 20 . The relationship was toxic and ended baldy .. Im trying to let go but we still are in love n its not good we been broken uo fir 2 months he cried wheb i tried to tell him bye … Now i told him im moving and he told me he dc about me and to stop fighting fir us and stop missing him , worrying about him and worry about myself …. Hes saying this outta anger but still i have no more fight left in me he is soooo stubborn and has soo much pride i have besn the only one trying to fix this … Should i just give up ? Weve been broken for 2 months …please respond

    • philosiblog 25 July 2016 at 4:40 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for leaving a comment.

      It sounds like the relationship is over. It sounds like he does not want to be a part of it anymore. Nothing left for you to do but move on. Perhaps he may come back later, but that is for the future. Live in the present, and do what is best for you and the baby.

  10. Kan 3 July 2016 at 7:55 pm #

    Hi, I just saw this quote and think it might be right.
    Here is my story, please give me some advice.
    I have dated some guys before but I until I date him, it was completely different.
    He made me trust him, made me trust myself, think I’m beautiful and willing to do anything for me. He taught me everything, we have learned a lot from each other. He took care every little bit of me. We love each other a lot. We never think that we will break up. That’s how much we love each other. We were in long distance relationship (about 12 hours) but we still made it through one year. We had suprise gifts for each other in anniversary day. He knows what I like we just try to do the best thing for each other. Our love was very strong because we trust each other, tried to make time for each other every month. We usually saw each other 3 or 4 days a week. He has to work, go to school and me too but we did make it through. We never think there is anything outside can break our love but one thing did, bad timing. I want to marry at 25, but he is not ready for that ( both 22 right now). He decided to break up, tell us need a break. I should move on. He has no future. He is not sure about 3 year later either. I know everything he has to going through thats why I want to stay next to him, help him make it through. But he doesn’t want to. He told me he doesnt me to waste my time when I’m young. He doesnt want me to wait for him that long. He told me if he didnt do it now, or I want us do it 2 or 3 years later? He told me I should move on with someone. He will too but not right now. He is too tired to deal with shit happened in his life. He loves me a lot, but we need to move on. He told me he cares about me and want to do the best thing for us. I told him we have to try and he has to trust himself he can do it, he can overcome anything. But he decided we should stop. He said that, we dont know what will happen later, things change, and we change. He just want me to find someone and love. Dont wait for him. We are loving each other crazy but he told he if now we go back still cannot like before. Because he are too tired with everything and he is dying with every shit happened in his life. He doesnt want to until the day he doesnt love me anymore. He thinks we should end in good term. If later we come back, he said we do not start like this time. We will be completely start the new thing. But if not, we will be with someone not each other. That so hurts me. I miss him every second. He told me I shouldn’t. I should move on. He is the first one make me trust in love. Today is our last day together. Then I dont know when is the next time we will see each other again (12 hours driving) we did try to make our relationship work but bad timing is killing us. Life is killing him. I can see he is dying everyday because of stuffs in his life. Bur honesty, I don’t think we can get back now but I hope we will in the near future. I really love him, I do not want anybody can bring love to him except me. I hope he will get better, I hope his life is still good and I hope he will miss me evry second like I do. I hope we will get back, but god please make him not forgetting me. I love him, he said he loves me to he really does but he cant bring happiness for me, please someone do that for me. He will move on too but just not right now. He loves me so much but why time is matter. Love is never enough for the relationship. Really. I love him so much. Please tell me something to trust our love is true love and we will get back together but dont let me wait too long. Im dying everyday when he left. Tell me what I can do to get back everything.

    • Kan 3 July 2016 at 8:14 pm #

      Edit: We saw each other 3 4 days a month.
      We used to date in high school but both us know we r young and go out try new things. We just ended. No one loves each other. Both had another one. 3 years no talking. But the second time is completely different. That what my story above. Tell me that we still can be back in the near future or not. Give me some advice. Please tell me he just only loves me. I know Im selfish but I just only wants him.

    • philosiblog 16 July 2016 at 4:19 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

      In my view, this is the ‘set it free’ part of the quote. Perhaps things will get better for him, and he will be back. But that is for the future, not for now. While it is fine to miss him, you also need to care for yourself in this pause. Give him your love, but understand that at the moment, he cannot return it. Be fine with that. It won’t be easy, but it is the next step in development of your person and of your love. Stay strong, you will get through this, no matter what he decides.

      • Kan 16 July 2016 at 11:26 pm #

        He will not let me keep loving him. He told me gotta move on and date with someone. Do not miss him anymore. He will not either. I know he care about me sometimes (text me) but he did not want me to see his face regularly because I will not forget him by that way. Tell me why he wants us to be separated. I miss him so much. Love him so much. Wanna go see him sometimes. I wish he had the same thoughts to me. I’m thinking about he will be in front of me and surprise me saying he loves me.

  11. Steven 20 June 2016 at 8:01 pm #

    I would like to share my story too.

    I fell in love with girl and I can’t stop thinking about her…she is a colleague of mine but works in another department . One day we worked together because of project our departments are mutually preparing. We met up for his project and got along well together. Per coincidence, I met her in a bar a couple of weeks later and started talking and also flirting – whilst knowing that she had a boyfriend. after a couple of hours we started to Kiss and she said that she couldn’t continue and would like to go home because she has a boyfriend… I asked her if she loves him and she did not reply to my question… We had a great night out with friends and nothing else apart from kissing happened. She first said that I shouldn’t write her but then said the opposite again…2 days later I texted her and she told me that she had left her boyfriend because she couldn’t continue to be with him…

    For a month we spent much time together and saw each other everyday. We did not define this “relationship” as she wasn’t ready to start something new. It was totally ok for me not to define this “thing” between me an her… During this month she kept on talking about her “ex” boyfriend and said she can’t forget him and that represents a kind of “home” for her…she called him after a time…I asked her why and she replied that he had changed and that he had become a new person. She also went to see him and told me that he made her feel good and that they talked for hours and that she had never felt so great and understood. She said that we couldn’t continue to see each other and that she loves him again…
    I accepted her decision, however, the problem is that I fell in love with her and I told her. I tried to stay friends but every time I saw her I noticed that i love her and that I miss our beautiful moments we’ve spent together…she told me that if its ok with me remaining friends would be great…
    I wrote her a message saying that I couldn’t do this anymore and that every time I see her I just want to be near her and that if I see in her eyes that I am nothing more than a “normal” friend I couldn’t continue this way…she did not reply…perhaps there is no need for a reply…

    But now the problem is that: I can’t think anymore, I can’t eat anymore, I cannot concentrate and everything reminds me of her…i can’t forget her and the beautiful moments we have had together…I am so desperate… I have never felt this way..even if I know that we would not match, even if I know that she hasn’t always been honest to me concerning her Ex boyfriend and even if she is and has acted very childish I just miss the time I/we had…

    She seems not to suffer the way I do and is having a good time…she has even been to Paris with her “ex” – and she always said that she hates Paris and now this?!?

    … and I am suffering as never before…

    • philosiblog 16 July 2016 at 3:50 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

      Per the quote, I believe she has decided not to come back. While it won’t be easy, you probably should be thinking about letting go. You can remember the good times, and keep a special place in your heart for her, but it is time to make room in your heart for another. I would recommend focusing on being happy for her, and trying not to resent him. Again, it won’t necessarily be easy, but with some time, you will be able to move on. Trust me on this, been there, done that, burned the t-shirt…

  12. astio 20 June 2016 at 4:53 am #

    such a great explanation of true kind of love.. !

    • philosiblog 16 July 2016 at 3:41 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for leaving such a kind comment.

  13. Loisy Grant 30 May 2016 at 9:05 pm #

    I like that I believe if something come back to you a second time it was meant to be if not, well you no the rest of that saying.

    • philosiblog 3 June 2016 at 3:03 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for leaving such an interesting comment. Yes, I do know the rest of the saying. 8)

  14. Taniya Roy 17 May 2016 at 2:43 am #

    Hi i’m taniya Roy,I loved a guy even now I love him,we converse with each other quite more,once he said me that we’re both same mentalities person so if he marriage with me then I definitely divorce him,so it is better to move on our own way,
    But I really love him,but he always ignore me,but one day he proposed me & now he turned back from me
    How can I get back my love God???????plzzzzzzzzzzz help me
    I really love him

    • philosiblog 28 May 2016 at 1:25 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your situation.

      I’ve been called a lot of things, but I think I fall a bit short of deification. 8) It takes two to have a relationship, and if he is not interested at the moment, there isn’t much you can do. Anything you do will be more likely to drive him away. You can work to improve yourself, not for his sake, but to become a better person for yourself.

    • Phil Arthur 1 June 2016 at 11:50 pm #

      True love is selfless. If your concern is only with how you feel, it is as though that the other’s love doesn’t count, only yours does. When love both ways is selfless, then you know you have the genuine article.

  15. fortunelesscookie 13 May 2016 at 3:33 am #

    I need advise

    I am 24 and in college. I recently decided to go back to college and i ended up meeting a girl in one of my classes. I had an instant attraction to her and wanted to strike up a conversation with her but was too nervous and i backed out. Surprisingly one day she ended up coming and talking to me . i was so surprised from then on we exchanged emails back and fourth and eventually texted . i soon found out that this girl was married. I hope u do not judge me but i still continued to talk to her as friends eventually one day she wanted to hang out and i told myself i could manage to just hang with her as friends. That night she went in for a kiss and i was shocked. Time had passed and we continued to hang out and as i hung out with her i realised more and more how much i was falling for her. She has such a sweet side to her and something about her just made me want to strive for more in myself. I eventually told her how i felt and that i was falling for her . she was conflicted because although she did like me she couldnt just leave her husband. Her husband also provides alot more security than i can in the position i am in my life at the moment. She told me she wish she met me 2 years ago because she was having issues with her husband at that time and was on the brink of divorce and lately hes turned a new leaf. I feel foolish for falling for this woman but i couldnt help it . fast forward and we continue to talk. I confronted her about where exactly me and her were heading because we still were intimate. And she replied there was something missing between us. Im assumimg that means that she douse not consider me the one so i told her i appreciate everything and said its best we part ways because i was becoming more emotioanally unstable from the pain. As of recent we got in one big argument and i pushed her away. We ended up talkong later and i apologized for the way i behaved and i offered her my friendship because i do truly care for her and id put my emotions a side to have her around. I read this article and considered true love as letting go so i told her to take time for herself and ill be here if shes ready

    I love this woman ever since i met her no other one means much too me and now that she is gone i do not really want to date or anythingbid rather wait for my one true love

    I hope theres some way this could work out for me .i know that infedelity is not a good foundation to start a relationship on and i know this situation seems bleak but i have hope. I know i have no control over the universe. Lately i have just been focusong on myself seeing that i have no care for love after meeting her

    • philosiblog 28 May 2016 at 1:13 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your situation.

      No judgement from me. I know too many people who were in that position. We’re human, and we sometimes do things we regret.

      As for what to do, if you can handle only having her as a friend, you can go the unrequited love route. If that’s too tough, you may have to break cleanly and pursue other options. I have found that you never stop loving someone, you just make room for a new love later on in life. But it sounds like you have taken a very constructive first step in communicating your position, and a strong second step by working on improving yourself. Those are my usual first recommendations, because after them, it’s all up to you. You will have to navigate the obstacles in your life and weigh the risk and reward of your potential actions. Stay strong, and keep improving.

  16. Carpediem 28 April 2016 at 4:57 am #

    When I first laid my eyes on him I knew he was different. It wasn’t because he was easy on the eyes but simply because I felt like there an instant connection. Even though we’ve only exchanged a few casual words and laughs but let’s just say he had me at “hahaha”. Everytime after we ran into each other after that I couldn’t help but noticed him more and more each time.

    Finally, I found the courage to initiate contact with him through a mutual acquaintance. It definitely took a lot for me to do so because it’s unlike my character to chase a guy. To my surprise he said he felt the same way and we got to know each other. At the time I was going through some personal things and my guard was exceptionally high. As much as I wanted to let him in I wasn’t capable of it and eventually he found someone else. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t cross my mind and almost a year down the road we got in contact with each other again.

    This time I was ready to let him in but I felt like his guard was up because he thought I was simply playing games in the past. It didn’t work out between us and we had moved on with our lives. He’s crossed my mind every so often but on one particular day I couldn’t stop thinking about him. In the same day we’ve encountered each other and there he was in the flesh once again. We had a nice conversation and kept in touch. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a reason why he keeps reappearing in my life. Is it fate or am I just reading too much into it? Regardless of what the future holds…at the moment I just want to be able to make him laugh each and every day just like the very first time I ever heard him laugh.

    • philosiblog 2 May 2016 at 12:48 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      That is an interesting way for things to work out, quite different from what I normally see here. Perhaps the reason you two keep bumping into one another is to remind yourselves of what can happen when things don’t go well, or you don’t allow yourself to go with the opportunities when they present themselves. And perhaps he shows up to remind you to laugh, and you are there for him for whatever his reasons are.

      As for your question, why are you asking me? Only one person holds the answer to that question. Ask him. While a ‘NO’ can be fearsome, so is the regret you have already suffered, and will continue to suffer, if you do not ask.

  17. Keela 24 April 2016 at 4:44 pm #

    I met this guy online and from there we started chatting with each other. At first, i didn’t myself fell in love with him because he is way out of my league. But after knowing him better, he is such a great guy! He showed me how to see the world from his perspective, a thing no one has taught me before. He also taught me a lot of things about people and life. He was like a once in a lifetime people for me. We clicked. I felt this deep emotional connection between us.He also tells me that he is very comfy to talk to me. He was actively texting and calling me for a month and a half before slowing down after that. I was terrified when he stopped calling before i finally did something that i terribly regret, that is, asking the “what are we?” question. But i addressed the question in such a wrong way that my friends thinks this guy might get the wrong idea that he thinks i am friendzoning him. But i like him so much! And there were many conversations that were hinting that he was also interested in me. But after the talk, he stopped calling. And texting. But i still saw him on Saturday when i was playing basketball. I was devastated at first but i think that if we were meant to be, he will comeback around. How do i know that he is also feeling the connection that i felt? Help me please…

    • philosiblog 2 May 2016 at 12:29 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

      I believe he has answered your question by cutting off contact. You have found your first connection. You will find many more in your life, if you allow yourself to continue looking. Some will pass into obscurity, as he is trying to do, while others will stay with you for life.

      Yes, it hurts, but you will find others to be with over time. It is my experience and belief that your heart never stops loving someone, you just make room for loving someone new. I believe it is time for you to move on, as that appears to be his answer.

  18. Damien Lopez 18 April 2016 at 1:20 pm #

    I just recently have come across this article and I found it to be encouraging. I’m generally not much of a fatalist but I’m desperate and still hopeful. About three weeks ago my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. I couldn’t understand it and I was rebadged. I was heart broken. I never expected her to leave me. She said that she ended it because she felt like we’ve grown apart recently and that she has been unhappy with our relationship for several months. She said that I e been cold to her, that I made her feel unloved and unwanted. She also said that she wasn’t over a situation from a few months ago where she thought I was seeking attention from another girl. Also, she said she felt like she lost herself and lost her individuality and she needed time to be by herself and work on herself. Ill explain the events leading up to this breakup.

    Everything was great the majority of our four year relationship. We were very serious. We both wanted kids, marriage, and we were even looking at apartments to move in with each other a week before we broke up. About a year ago, my mother had kicked my girlfriend out the house and banned her from coming back. My mother felt like my girlfriend was taking advantage of the family and didn’t want any part of it anymore. Of course this really hurt me. I didn’t speak to my mom for several months and when we eventually spoke I was very upfront with her on how much it hurt me and there was better ways of handling the situation. Yet, after clearly choosing my girlfriend’s side she still felt like I didn’t fight for her enough. I’m not sure what else I could have done,

    Ok, well everything calmed down. In June, we took a trip to Puerto Rico. Coincidently a friend of mine (I’ve known her for 7 years) was also vacationing in Puerto Rico. So we exchanged comments over Facebook. I made it very clear to my friend that I was on vacation with my girlfriend, yet I wanted all of us to meet up and have some fun. My girlfriend got upset and wouldn’t talk to me for two days. I finally got it out of her and we made up but she never let it go.

    I’ve suffered from depression and OCD since I was nine years old. Before I met my ex, I had a breakdown and started taking medication and therapy. I thought I had a good control over the depression. My OCD was better but i still had symptoms. My girlfriend was aware of my troubles but I don’t think she truly understood the severity of it. I had it all under control for a very long time, however last summer I started to become very depressed again. I let it go, and hoped that I would just snap out of it eventually. Things got better toward the end of summer but around autumn and winter it really hit me hard. I lost all motivation, became withdrawn, couldn’t focus on my school work, grew cold to my ex, and I just couldn’t find any joy in anything. I think this took its toll on her and on our relationship.

    Back in the fall, I exchanged numbers with a girl in one of my classes because she was my partner for a certain project. We exchanged texts here and there and the girl was very cordial maybe borderline flirtatious. I never saw it that way. I was always friendly back but I never engaged in any kind of flirtatious conversation. My girlfriend looked through my text messages one day and became very pissed off at the texts. She said the girl was overly flirtatious and that it was disrespectful to her. I said, it was strictly a hi and bye kind of relationship. A few months later, the same girl came up to say hi to me while I was sitting in the library. I told the girl to sit down if she wanted to. My girlfriend apparently was texting me but I wasn’t paying attention to my phone. She walked into the library and saw me. She refused do speak to me for a week. We finally talked about it and moved on. At least I thought. She told me when we broke up she that still wasn’t over it.

    After we broke up, I tried my hardest to get her back. I bought her flowers, wrote her a short story, made her a playlist of all our favorite songs, and sat her down to tell her how much I love her and how we can work things out. She said she didn’t believe me and that her decision stood. So over the week she was posting tweets and Facebook memes about me and our relationship. Sometimes good but sometimes bad. My mother saw how hurt I was and texted her. It only pissed my ex off even more. I found out recently that somebody told my ex that I cheated on her when I never did. That really bothered me because she believed that person without ever talking to me about it. So I texted her and told her that I never cheated. That conversation quickly turned into about us and how she was unhappy and how she was sick and tired of waiting for me to act like I cared and how she doesn’t want to try anymore. Then I responded by telling her how much I love her and how much I know we can make it work. The next day I was angry and told her that hurts me that she says I didn’t care when all I ever did was care. I broke my back for this girl and was always there for her. It hurt me that she felt that way about me. So I told her that would be the last text I send her because I’m deleting her number.

    This past Friday, I saw her at the bar with one of her friends and a couple of guys. I got really pissed off and hurt so I started shouting (I was drunk by the way) and flicking that guy off. I ended up getting kicked out. I find out later that the guy who was taking with her was with his girlfriend. I overreacted. So I deleted her from all of social media because I was tired of the negative energy and because I felt like I needed to distance myself from her. Well, she apparently was checking for me because I saw that she blocked me from Twitter shortly after I deleted her from everything. Then she deleted the rest of my family.

    It’s been an awful three weeks. I love this girl with all of my heart and would still take her back if she were to ever come back. I’m thinking of writing her a letter to express how my depression affected me and our relationship. I’m trying to hold off for awhile because I think we just need to let the situation simmer down before we speak again.

  19. iersaf 19 March 2016 at 3:15 pm #

    This quote is very powerful. I want to share you my story which is happening today and I need an advice so badly. I’m an architect graduate and working abroad and there’s this event where I saw this girl but we haven’t talked personally that time instead we had a chat on a social network until now and time, days, months passed by and she’s going to Philippines for college and before she go I gave her a portrait of her with a frame and her parents asked who gave it and she said it was me and then her dad just call me to help him with his project as a part-time job but I have to bring someone with me to help out and I even charge for a price because i have someone with me and at the same time it’s too pressuring to see that now I know her parents and they also know about me and the part -time job and the girl that I like was really shy now as for me too. because imagine, I was just chatting with her and gave a gift and here I am now knowing her parents and the job . my question is, do I still stand a chance for the girl? and is this situation good? please reply :/

    • iersaf 19 March 2016 at 3:18 pm #

      and for the record, I’ve fell in love to this girl so bad that’s why I made some more efforts on drawing a portrait of her. and I think I have more enemies because she is just soo beautiful and gorgeous :/

    • philosiblog 24 March 2016 at 4:22 am #

      Thanks for the kind words, and for sharing your experience and question.

      But I believe you are asking the wrong person. Why not ask her? Or if, for cultural reasons it is more appropriate, her father. There is no need and no reason to torture yourself, when the answer is just one question away. I understand that asking is scary, because you might get a ‘no’ answer. However, if you never ask, you will almost certainly get a ‘no’ answer.

      • Slaykillor721 12 September 2016 at 6:30 am #

        Me and my gf have been together for almost a year now but we werent able to see each other for about 2 months when we finally got to see each toher again it seemed like everything was perfect and we were both so happy, after about a week we would see each other and i would try to talk to her and have some one on one talks but every time i ever talked to her a friend of hers would always show up (all her friends are guys) they would always say sec jokes and stuff and try to grab her ass, and anytime I asked for a private conversation it pretty much was shot down, but when i was telling her goodbye her friend showed up said “hey can i tell you something” and she told me “can you go away for a but real quick” and yet i cant have a private conversation with my own gf. Ive been kinda down lately too because of family issues but when she noticed I expected her to confort me maybe idk but what she did was make me a letter (sweet right?) and in that letter it said “ive been stufying the human brain and your just going through average teenage depression and you will get over it and your life will be normal again” after i read that entire paper i was kinda mad… Idk what i should really do and i feel like i love her less everyday i used to feel like shes the best girl ive ever met and now she just feels like any other girl i talk to she barley talks to me too and dosnt try to run up or talk to me if she ever sees me please tell me your opinion or advice im kinda stumped here

      • philosiblog 10 October 2016 at 5:43 am #

        Thanks for stopping by and sharing your situation.

        I would say that this relationship is running it’s natural course. If she isn’t interested in being with you, it is natural for the feeling to fade. Her feelings may have faded a little quicker than yours, but it may be over. If she sent you a letter, perhaps you can send her one, pointing out that you couldn’t get a moment alone with her before, so here is a letter instead.

        No matter what happens, life will go on. The human heart has an amazing ability to love. I still love everyone I ever loved, broke up with, or who has died. I just make room for someone new, and let the older loves slowly fade.

  20. yashmita 16 March 2016 at 3:59 pm #

    i truly luvd a guy but because of some misunderstandings we broke up… thn after 2 yrs we r togethr again but bcz of his past relationship he is hurting me again nd again… i dnt knw whts my fault… yes he came bck bt he dnt love me lyk the way he used to love me… he jst needs me… jst to forget all shit happened with him… i never cheated him, never hurted him but nw m tired… tired of being insulted, ignored… i dnt want to be jst his need…. i love him bt for him m jst his tym pass… i dnt knw wht to do???? he dnt want to let me go bt at the same tym he is nt wid me cmptly… m confused….

    • philosiblog 24 March 2016 at 4:15 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

      Sadly, there are people in the world like this. It sounds like you think it’s over, but he refuses to let go. It is up to you to make sure he knows how you feel. If you are truly and sincerely over him and don’t want him in your life anymore, make sure he understands. If he refuses and keeps after you, then you may have to turn to friends or even Law Enforcement to get the point across to him.

      If you still want him, you will have to put up with his behavior. You will have to make that decision and live with the consequences, but I would recommend against it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and very few will treat you any worse.

  21. Bill 13 March 2016 at 11:34 am #

    Hello philosiblog . I never wrote on these kinda things before. But near a year ago I met a girl we booth fell in love rather quick . but was strange for her because of her previous relationship with the father of her son was very bad for her . i won’t get into all that . but she lost thrust in men completely I was first man she allowed into her life or her sons life in 7years. But lately we we rowing . silly rows like. Never really had head on fight . but she always seem to wanna push me out of her life as if she dosn want me . but we always talked it out. But we have broke up lately. And even I agreed to not contact her . I couldn’t resit . I really live her and I know she feels same. Do u think I should just move on or what . please and thanks .

    • philosiblog 16 March 2016 at 12:23 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your situation.

      It sounds like she’s not totally over her issues with men. It sounds like she gets to a certain point, and then (realizing what is happening and how close you are to her), she panics and pushes you away. After she calms down, you make up and go on. If that’s the case, she still has some issues to work on, right? It’s not a good way to start a conversation, and certainly don’t bring it up in the middle of a row, but it sounds like she could benefit from some counseling. Bringing such a delicate topic up, that’s your unenviable job. Good luck with it, but I do believe it will help her, and possibly your relationship. Consider doing it for her, even if one or both of you choose to move on.

      • Bill 17 March 2016 at 1:15 am #

        Thanks for your reply. And you are very accurate abt the push me away when we get close . I’ve decided to let her go we have broke up but are still staying in touch . but am starting to feel like she only keeping me close enough so that if she decides she ready am there . but I won’t be hanging round like that. There is to many issues n fear of getting close even tho we have got very close . thare is also the fact she has a son . and I think she feels like she has protect him

      • philosiblog 24 March 2016 at 4:18 am #

        Thanks for stopping back and sharing your update.

        I would recommend you share your feelings and your limitations with her. If she is being protective of her son, perhaps if she knew your feelings towards him, she could better decide. Same goes for your time limit (at least that is what it sounds like from your comment). She is making decisions based on what she knows, and if there is something you haven’t told her, or that she doesn’t know or understand, she could be making the wrong decisions based on what little data she has.

  22. Ans 29 February 2016 at 9:23 pm #

    I was searching about my work, suddenly I saw this website. I would like to share my story here. I hope someone can help me.
    I travelled to abroad for studying. I had a colleague who cared about me. Whatever I want and need, even before I told him. He did it for me.
    In first a few months, I always taught that you are just a nice man and he didn’t notice anything else. Little by little, I understood that he don’t have any girl friend and also he has some problem in his life. I also tried to talk with him and asked him to change his mentality. And always tried to ask you to be relax and remove much stress. He really cared to me. Then he asked me to join him for some sports. He also tried to describe everything for me in honest way (For example where I was, who was there,….)
    I felt well to be beside of him. I enjoyed time when I was with him. After several months, I had to move from my apartment. Since new semester was started and I need an apartment just for 2 months. It was very difficult. I had much efforts and I couldn’t find. One day, he came to my office and told” he has one option for me. it was his place. his flatmates want to move there” .
    I accepted it and got so happy. We lived in a place with other our flatmates.
    Since I have special belief about love. I never allow someone has relationship with me without I get to know with him completely. So we never had any relationship, tough, kiss, noting. Just we talked much, spent time with each other, went sport, eat lunch-dinner altogether.
    He always saw me in a special sight. and always showed me a special feeling.

    In same time, when I went outside for shopping, or party of friends, or in the campus. I always had much suggestions from other people for meeting, dating, invitation for dinner. And he always got nervous that why whenever you go anywhere, some peoples wants to get to know with you. He showed a special reaction to this issue. And he tried to convince me not to go for any meeting. Because maybe those guys have some expectation from you and he knew that I don’t like to have any relation and I am strict.

    In that time, when most friends of mine met him, all of them recognized that he has a special feeling to me and even some friends also had a nice feeling to me and because he showed much feeling then they left me for his sake. Even some friends told me to write down a letter if you also have same feeling to him.
    I did it. When we were in the airport for goodbye. I decided not to give the letter to him. But I had a strange event. Because a guy who had common language with me. He was around 55 or more.
    That guy asked me if this guy is my husband. I replied no. Then he continued that it seems he really love me but he is very shy and innocent and told me to help him. He can’t talk about his feeling with you.
    Finally, by this miracle I gave my letter to him and say goodbye.
    when I was in my country. He never replied to any email of mine. He just replied to my calling with a special mood(upset, depressed,…).
    when I came back to him. Exactly 2 weeks before my coming, he replied and booked an apartment and paid and did all for me.
    when I arrived, he again did everything for me. First week, he was nervous. Second week, I tried to talk with him. I told him “if you have any feeling to me, So please talk directly. Told him to see in my eyes and tell and he told he doesn’t have such strong feeling to me”.

    In Second week, a new colleague who I met him just 5times. He directly told me ” he is interested in me and he want get to know with me more”

    I again told it to my old guy, he again got nervous and repeat the previous talking.( He will have special expectation. Try to meet him just one day in a week. Told him that you got much. ….)
    I talked with new guy. He convinced me. I again told old guy” He doesn’t have any expectation, ….) .
    After that, old guy again tried to come close to me and show some special feeling to me.
    I am really confused. I really like old guy. I even can’t continue with new guy. I have strong feeling to old guy. I tried much when I was not beside of you. I even told him that I never forget him and never get married with someone else. I really can’t forget him. I always imagine myself with him. I never had relationship with anybody. Because I always wanted to fine true love. I now found him. Although, all know that he also has feeling to me. I really don’t know why he told me that he doesn’t have.
    Please help me if I think wrong. I should wait till he change his decision. Also I want to tell that new guy is full of enthusiasm and everyday want to meet me and spend time with me.
    I am between 2 people, one doesn’t talk at all and just see me with sadly sight and other talk about his feeling directly.

    • philosiblog 16 March 2016 at 12:03 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your situation with us.

      If communication is important to you, it sounds like one of those guys isn’t going to work, right? That is what I understand from my reading of what you said. If I am correct, he really isn’t an option for a long term relationship for you.

      That said, It is my experience that you never stop loving someone else. They will always have a special place in your heart. However, you will go on to love someone new. It sounds like you are in that place, with a special place in your heart for someone who will not work out for you, and a person to whom you can grow in love.

      I hope that helps, and isn’t too confusing.

  23. Elizabeth 17 February 2016 at 4:03 pm #

    Hi there Philsblog,
    I came across this post and I hope that you respond to my comment.
    My current situation started a year and a half ago. I met my guy, we had explosive chemistry, and were physical ever since. We were seeing each other once or twice a week, for 8 months. He later came to me, told me that he had not fully cut ties with his ex gf before i came into the picture. Also, his divorce was finalized the week we met. He had been married, was in the army and was deployed… was injured horribly and sent home, only to discover that his wife had emptied his bank account and was in bed with another man. She refused to divorce him for 4 years… bringing us to aug. 2014. Durring the time of his separation, he was in a relationship with a girl that i am refering to as the ex gf. He had just gotten his own place 2 weeks prior to meeting me. I didnt know any of this until much later. As we dated, He was drinking… to the point that he was an alchoholic when we were dating… i listened to him, i was his shoulder to cry on. We were not in a relationship but slowly moving in that direction.
    I had not known it, but he was still sleeping with his ex gf. She then told him she was pregnant, but refused a paternity test. I was devistated. He moved in with her, and we remained friends. He told me over and over that he was not with her because he loved her, but because he did not want his child growing up in a broken home. She drank and smoked and partied while she was pregnant and miscarried at 5 1/2 months. He contacted me at some point and told me he was leaving her. I helped him find a new place, set up utilities and helped him move. Our romantic involvement picked up again. I agreed to give him a second chance… i should mention, he would tell anyone that i light up his world, that i bring joy to his life. I have met all of his friends. He gave me a necklace about a month ago… the first real gift he has ever given me. Told me im the only woman in his life and hopefully the last. He has even mentioned marriage and children, and asked how i felt about raising kids in his faith, which i had no problem with!
    More backround info on him… something horrible happened with him and his dad when he was a child. When he moved to the U.S.A. his dad never so much as picked up the phone to check on him. His mother does, but dad does not. Keep in mind the trauma of war, his cheeting wife and the ex gf that was abusive and miscarried when he wanted so badly to have that child, even though he was not happy in the relationship.
    I did not realize how much he was hurting when he left the ex. He had been keeping me at arms length, spending alot of time with me but not letting me in. Not spending christmas or NYE with me, but calling me to hang out later in the day. I mentioned this to him, and suggested that mabe we should take a short break so that he could close some chapters of his life and be ready for me… to let me in and start off on the right foot. And yes, i love him, despight our dysfunctional past. He has that same sparkel in his heart, he makes me laugh and has made a real effort to show me who he really is. Much improved from when i met him! His smile lights up the room when he talks about our first date!!! he agreed to work on things. Then he started calling me his girlfriend. Apparently, he started seeing a therapist who pointed out he has jumped from one bad relationship to another. 2 days before valentines day, i get a text saying “i need time to be alone… to fix my issues other wise im going to become an alcoholic and do something stupid… i need time to be single and quiet and not have anyone in my life..” i don’t know what else to say. I know 1000% that he needs to tackle these issues and that he is headed down the wrong path. Im just so naieve… i don’t understand. I don’t understand why he can’t work on these issues with me in the picture! I have stood by his side and shown him unconditional love! He has told me outright that he is terified of committment and of getting hurt. Im just scared… scared that he will forget me and what we have and what we have. Scared he will decide to go to someone else. Which brings me to your post… if he really, truly loves me, he will come back. It’s just the waiting that is killing me… i should have left things alone, should not have told him how upset i was that he was not letting me in. I should have appreciated his progress. I did not know at that time that he was in therapy.
    What are your thoughts? I should mention, i do have belingings at his house, so i know he will surface at some point.

    • philosiblog 29 February 2016 at 4:21 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for leaving some details of your situation.

      It sounds like he had a rough time. Sometimes you have to step back and clear your head to be able to see what your problems are, before starting to fix them. It sounds like he is at that point. Being with a therapist means he will (one hopes) make more rapid progress than if he was trying this on his own. He needs to figure out why he started the other relationships, and how to differentiate those poor quality relationships from his relationship with you. But that will take time.

  24. Harlowe 10 February 2016 at 2:57 am #

    Hi Philo,

    Almost exactly a year ago I left a post discussing my situation with my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years moving away to a different country and choosing to end the relationship, wanting to ‘try dating other people’. It’s depressing that I am still hung up over this despite the relationship having ended 11 months ago, though I do feel taking a year to get over long-term relationship like this is not out of the ordinary, but I digress.

    I have recently discovered that said ex-boyfriend has now proposed and is engaged after merely 9-10 months (tops) of dating, 7 months interrupted (we had met up when I joined him in the same city and sparsely communicated in secret for about a month, 3-4 month after the breakup, and really he was the initiator).

    I am crushed. This has been such a harrowing experience. I had not been really thinking about this for the last while, and am aware (yet maybe have not come to terms with knowing) that he is not my ‘perfect’ partner. I thought I had mostly moved on but discovering this news has had me quite taken aback. Especially since it seems out of character for him. He was previously critical of people who have tied the knot (well, it’s an engagement at this point) so quickly and complained wedding rings were scams, etc. I do not believe there are any external factors (i.e. pregnancy). I don’t see what the rush was, he is turning 31 this year and she is in her late 20s.

    I feel so pathetic, that in this past year while I have had moments of clarity, I mostly clung to the memories of the relationship, really allowing myself to take in all the hurt and pain of the situation (maybe too much and for too long?). While I don’t fully regret that, meanwhile, I am not even fully over the relationship, he is already engaged?! It seems like too much to bear…

    I feel like I have gone through this breakup several times, and now at a point where I thought I could move on, I feel like I have been thrown back to square one…

    Would appreciate any words of consolation / any sort of advice as to how one would move on after such distress…

    • philosiblog 15 February 2016 at 4:57 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

      It sounds like you are finally ready to leave the past behind you. You can no longer go back to square one, as he is now off the market, as the saying goes. You will be over it when you decide that you are over it. Decide, by the way, has the same root word as scissors, to cut. When you have decided, when you have cut yourself off from the possibility of going back, then you can step forward fully. Until then, you are stuck in the past.

      There is no cure for the pain, besides time. Remember the good parts, and let go of the rest. In my opinion, you never stop loving someone, you simply move on to loving someone else. It looks like it is time for you to move forward with your life. Do you agree?

  25. kel237 25 January 2016 at 12:52 pm #

    I have just come across this page. And something made me decide to comment. I’m a 22 year old female that left love and relationships till I finished school. For the last 5years I’ve been encountering disappointments from guys after a few months of being officially with them. I used to isolate myself yet I’m one of those people who would be quiet yet observes a lot. I come across as quiet yet if in a comfort zone and around familiar faces I’m all good. I never reveal personal things or hardships to guys especially since I’ve been backstabbed a lot and has been used against me to hurt me. For the first time I’ve allowed a friend to see the part of me or my life I’ve been hiding. He has always felt he could trust me with whatever hardships he faced and we got closer over the last few years. He got feelings for me first.. I noticed it, yet told him I have a few personal things to deal with when he made his move. He accepted it yet we continued as usual. I got through my rough patch and eventually we ended up dating for a few months. He continued to share things with me so I knew he himself was going through some personal things. And then he decided it would be best if we weren’t together anymore due to his personal issues. It hit me hard as the same thing had happened to me once again. It took me a few days to get perspective to accept and grant it to him since I did the same thing in the beginning. The lines of communication went from sentences to a few words. I’ve let all the guys go who disappointed me, yet after awhile they have all come back one by one. Unfortunately due to the nature of how things have ended I kept my distance. So, with the above statement,..I don’t know if its true or not

    • philosiblog 1 February 2016 at 4:07 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

      It sounds like they came back, but if you have stopped loving them, then the premise of the quote is lost. If you were still in love with them, it would work. I hope that made sense.

  26. Raptor188 14 December 2015 at 11:40 am #

    It’s an interesting quote, but it’s not a final reflection of true love…and completely depends on the situation.
    Here is another quote I came across:

    “If you love someone and they want to search for something better, let them go. If they come back and didn’t find what they were looking for, let them go again.”

    Life works in ways we can’t comprehend, love is similar. However if you let someone go the first time, that is your decision to move forward and leave the past for all intents and purposes where it is. If someone comes back, it means you were worthless in their life at some point, love is a lot of things but it is not worthless. The thing is if they can let you go without much thought then you aren’t worth their time if they go scavenging for other prospects and failing. It means nobody else wants them.

    Another quote worth mentioning.
    “If your pockets are full and you find something you like….To take it you must throw something away, however what you throw away you may never find it again and if you do it may not be the same.”
    This is the risk, if it comes back to you somehow it’s defeating the purpose of taking that risk. Its regarded as a failure, and by making the choice to let go you overcome that failure. Why would you allow failure back into your life. To call failure true love simply because it came back is ridiculous.

    I’m saying all this because I loved someone. They cheated on me, and still left me in search for another guy. I was still willing to take her back. I waited and waited, kept hoping for her to come back. Initially I tried and she kept discarding my attempts. Eventually I stopped trying and just held on to hope. After years of enduring that pain, seeing and hearing of her with multiple guys, I made the decision to let her go. Completely and never look back. I was free and it felt amazing. The strange part is after I let go, miraculously she returns. And then she is in love with me. I can’t take her back, my feelings are gone. All she is doing is making me wonder if I made the right decision. Why now does fate and the universe decide to change things around. When I asked and prayed…nothing, not even a glance or smile. Now when I find another girl that I like, this old one will continuously pester me and ask questions about the new girl.

    My point is, if you choose to let go, whether someone else does or you do, that decision must be final. This recurrence of people coming back is NOT love, it’s a nuisance and a reminder of what could have been. If they come back, it’s a test to see whether you have really let go or not.

    Love is a two way street, if only one person is walking it, then it is not love, it’s infatuation and desire for what you can’t have. People must appreciate what they have when they have it!!!

    • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 9:00 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

      I can see what you mean, based on your experience. Please understand that my experience is different, and I have drawn different conclusions from my life.

    • KatG 17 December 2015 at 1:55 pm #

      Hi, Raptor188. “Love is a two way street, if only one person is walking it, then it is not love…” I like that and have found that true in my life. But it takes courage to face it and take action to remove yourself from a hurtful friendship/relationship. Once I actually quit my job and moved to get away from the source of my despair. He called me and we met up three times over the course of six months. I refrained from contacting him unless he contacted me. Each time we met, I felt more disengaged from him until I was finally able to refuse his contact completely without feeling bad about it. That experience taught me that love is like an addictive drug. In order to get over a love gone wrong, you have to withdraw from it completely to wean yourself off of it. Just like being addicted to drugs eventually ends in loss of job and family, being addicted to unrequited love prevents achieving a healthy and fulfilling relationship with another person who really cares for you. It seems you have been given a second chance with your current girlfriend. I wonder how it makes her feel to know you are still in contact with someone you had such strong feelings for and waited so long for? I can tell you that if you make a woman feel like a second choice, she will never forget. Years later, it will haunt you. A friend recently divorced after 32 years because his wife always felt like she was his second choice. He had left her when they were dating to live with another woman. After three months he changed his mind and came back to her ready for marriage. But she could never fully get over it. Every argument they had came back to the fact that he left her for another woman for three months. For your sake and your girlfriend’s sake, make a choice now and if you choose your current girlfriend, have no contact with your old love who made you so unhappy for so long.

  27. Trevise 14 December 2015 at 8:20 am #

    I found your site a couple of years ago when I was I going through a similar thing (quite teeny tiny compared to what I am going through right now). Have you ever listened to a song or heard something that instantly calmed the turbulent waters of your mind? Your wedding vows brought peace to my aching heart…if only for a little while.

    I have had problems with what I see in the mirror when I get up each morning…I have never liked the person I am. I had been going through depression when I met her. She instantly liked me. She cared for me like no one apart from my family has. And yes, I think she fell in love with me before I felt the same about her. I still do not understand what she saw in me but she loved me with all her heart and slowly I got better…I fell in love with her more and more each day. Those were the happiest days of my life. I truly believed that she was the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

    But…and there is always a but, the demons never really had gone away. I became complacent…I took her for granted. I hurt her time and again, never intentionally, but I did bring her pain. She wanted things which I could not give…I am still trying to figure out why..maybe it was because I am a coward, maybe it is because I thought that I could never be good enough for her…I honestly do not know right now.

    The glasses with which she saw me through slowly became clearer. She was tired and she could not go on much longer. We broke up….we never stopped talking but I could feel her love for me dimming with each passing day while mine grew stronger and I guess started making me a little crazy. Then it happened…..I found out that she had someone else in her life and I totally lost my mind. It suddenly hit me like a house falling down on my head……We were never going to be together. My work…my health…the little bit of sanity I had left was gone.

    We are not talking anymore and things have become clearer now. She made me understand what it means to love…she loved me when I could not love myself. I love her. I will always love her. That means I have to let her go. It does not matter if she comes back or not, whether we are friends or not, whether we talk again or not. I will always love her.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

    • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 8:56 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for writing of your experience.

      I hope you are in a support group or seeing a professional. You’re in a rough place.

      Many of life’s lessons are learned too late. Life has a way of giving the test first, and then teaching the lesson afterwards. I wouldn’t be so quick to blame yourself for being a coward or anything else. If you’re having problems, there are things you cannot see, even when you look. There are things you don’t even know to do, much less how to do them. There are things you do without thinking, and that can lead to pain and injury to yourself and to others.

      Stay strong. I say it a lot, but there are many people ready to give up on themselves. Don’t do that, you can recover. You will always love her, that’s the way it goes. But you can and will find someone else to love. I suggest starting with yourself. Until you can do that, it will be hard to truly connect with anyone else.

    • KatG 17 December 2015 at 2:19 pm #

      Hi, Tevise. Your post really touched me. Do you realize how many people feel the same as you do? I know many who do. You are not alone. You are not alone in wondering what your love saw in you. You are not alone in taking an important person for granted. You are not alone in losing love. But the good news is that you now know you are lovable…this woman loved you. Where one loved you so can another. When the next love comes along, you will know what NOT to do. You won’t take her for granted. You will let her know how important she is to you. The woman you lost was your dress rehearsal. May I tell you a story? My ‘once divorced’ husband and I worked together before we were married. My work required a great deal of concentration and when I needed a break, I would always stand by the window and look three stories down at the street and the magnolia tree. One day, I looked down but there on the window sill I noticed three letters scribbled in the dust…TOY. I thought that was strange and I mentioned it to my future husband at lunch. He smiled and looked at me saying it stands for ‘Thinking of You’, and then I knew he had put it there for me to find. I have always remembered that with great love. It didn’t cost a lot of money or time but it told me he cared. That is all that most, but not all, women want….to know you are thinking of them as they are thinking of you. A man like that does not need to be smart, handsome, have hair, or be rich because he is a prize just the same, and he is priceless and rare. I owe a debt to his ex-wife for teaching him how to show he cared.

  28. Jasica 13 December 2015 at 3:29 pm #

    I’m a 15 year old girl and I can’t let go this guy I met when I was 14. Now i am sure you might say we are still young but honestly, my feelings towards him is more than ever. We met last year 2014 and had some deep bond between us, I was happy and in a very deep love with him. But my happiness shattered when I found out that he is a player and flirts with other girls like he did to me when we first talked. I also found out that he has a crush on some other girl. Hearing these, my heart broke into pieces. It pierced my heart through. we lost communication because he would reply very late like after few days of me replying to him. I shred tears for him hoping one day he will come back to me and talk to me again. After few months around august 2014 he talked to me, but again he stopped talking to me. I don’t know what is the matter because now I’m suffering. I was sick and tired of his behaviour so I decided to move on. I met this guy who loved me more than my previous guyy but unfortunately I end breaking up with him because the other guy kept on messaging me and deliberately ignoring the fact that I have a boyfriend. So that awoke my emotions I had for him. And now he doesn’t talk to me. I don’t know what is happening and I know there’s a long way to go for me to find my soulmate but with me having still feelings for him and not letting him go for a year now, I feel we are meant to be together but again the feel is biased because only I feel that way , I don’t think he does.

    • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 8:47 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for leaving your thoughts.

      Yes, as you expected, I am going to urge you to take your time. I didn’t start dating until I was almost 20, and I still found the love of my life. You can relax, and wait for your soulmate. You still have High School to finish, and then get settled in whatever comes after it for you. You may end up in a different town or even a different country than him, and then what?

      I’m sure all of us ‘old people’ have said the same thing. At some point in the future, you may even agree with us. But for now, I urge you to trust us when we say to relax and let this go. You will never stop loving someone. That isn’t how life works. You will simply move on to loving someone new. Stay strong, and let yourself heal. And learn how to use the ‘block’ feature on your phone. 8)

    • KatG 17 December 2015 at 12:37 pm #

      Jasica, your feelings are real and many people older than you have the same feelings about their hoped-for but failed relationships. As a young woman, it is better that you find out earlier than later that men say and do things to have sex with women. Women take them seriously and remember what these men say and do long after the men have forgotten and moved on to the next woman to conquer. It doesn’t matter how much you love him or how good a woman you are, a man does not settle down until he is ready. Steve Harvey, a comedian and TV personality, had several young daughters that he watched suffer over young boys just as you are suffering. These young boys romanced his daughters and then left them emotionally devastated just as your love left you. He explained to them that this is the nature of young men. The young men are not looking for a life-long commitment or enduring love. They are simply doing what a young woman wants in order to convince her to have sex–that is the young man’s main objective. Men think differently than women. During and after sex, women bond with their man. Men do not bond that quickly. As Steve Harvey explained to his daughters, ” It is not that hard for us [to break up], we don’t care.” That doesn’t make men bad. It’s just their nature. It is up to us women to realize the male nature and protect ourselves. As Steve Harvey suggests, do not have sex with a young boy for at least 90 days. A player won’t last that long. He’ll be long gone. But a young man that is truly interested in you will stick around for the 90 days just for the pleasure of being with you. That is the kind of young man you should be looking for. You will have to date a lot of guys with no sexual contact until the one that really wants to be with you finds you. Value yourself and wait — you deserve to be cared for. Now to fix your broken heart, I speak from experience. The quickest and best way to get over a guy and stop him from hurting you is having no contact with him. None! It is called the ‘No Contact Rule’. This creates a vacuum in your life and that hurts. You will be tempted to share with him things you used to share. Don’t do it. Share it with someone else. Don’t answer his calls or texts no matter what he says. Destroy his pictures. Delete his old texts. Delete him from your life. Instead of pulling the bandaid off slowly like you have been doing and hurting yourself longer, rip it off, let the pain dissipate and move on. Anywhere from a few months to a year, you will begin to see clearly and feel differently about this young man. You will see him for what he really is when you are out from under his influence. The No Contact Rule is necessary because the right guy that is so much better and worthier is waiting for you but he sees you are busy chasing this wrong guy so he won’t come into your life. As Steve Harvey says, ‘If you are letting the wrong guy fill up your time, the right guy thinks you are taken and won’t come to you.” Steve says just live your life doing the things that interest you. The right guy will notice you (men are hunters by nature) and come to you. Love is not supposed to make you cry. It is supposed to make you happy. That’s how you know it’s the right love. A man in love demonstrates the three ‘P’s’ all at once: professes his love to the whole world, provides for his love and protects his love.

  29. Vanita 11 December 2015 at 2:13 pm #

    I am married from past 7 years and i had bad marriage life. I gave my 100 % to my hubby and he took me for granted. Never shared his feeling towards me.. Finally i came to conclusion that i would get separated from and lost the love i had for him. Meanwhile a guy comes in my life and he gives me all the happiness and attention (Which i hardly got in this 7 years from my hubby). When we both met, we were just friends.. I knew he had feeling but he also knew i am married. Gradually we got close to each other and started sharing almost everything.. He knew about my relation and what i was going through. Slowly that closeness became love. We started loving each other and respected each other (but never expressed). One day i get to know he has a girl friend and they are going around from past 13 years and he is marrying her(He tells me).
    I was broke again but at the same time i expressed my love in front of him and he has to accept it at one condition.. that he would not leave his girl friend at any cost.
    Slowly i thought i will accept the reality and move on with my life, leaving him to lead his life peacefully But never happened. Day by day my love for him increased and he started feeling he is not giving enough time to his GF. We spoke about that and decided to stay away. Each time we decide, we stayed for like 3-4 hrs and then got back to each other thinking how much ever day is left with us we will be together and keep each other Happy.
    These days he is busy with his new process and he gave me heads up that he cannot spend the time with me like how he used to be. But i feel he is avoiding me to have better life with her.
    These days he talks about his GF alot, like what she likes, how she talks. Even when he is with me, he continuously texts her.. He is physically with me but mentally he is with her. I feel avoided all the time.. Not even single love talks. He always talk to me about his marriage and his future. Where am in between all these or what about the love we have for eachother.

    He asks me to go back to my hubby and start loving him like how I used to. He also says he wanna stay away because he feels he is the reason behind my detachment with my hubby.

    I have 2 friends who supports me (They know we love each other, thought i m married and he is going to be). Initially they thought he loves me, he at least make me smile and now they feel he doesn’t and i am hanging between those feelings.

    He is ready to leave me anytime. He can suddenly stop caring or talking to me but i am not able to do the same. I still stay with my hubby but my mind and heart is always with him.

    I know i should let him lead his life and i should move on with my hubby (no other Option). But my heart loves him than myself. What should i do??? Is he playing with me ??

    • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 8:30 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your feelings.

      You ask if he is playing with you. From what you say, it sounds like he is a little insecure, and you are his security but not his soon-to-be wife. Once he is married, I don’t think he will need you as much, and will drift away, unless his change to being married causes a more rapid shift away from you. I don’t think he’s being mean to you, but he has needs and concerns that you help him with. At least that’s what it looks like from here.

      As for what you should do, is there any way to reach your husband on an emotional level? It sounds like he has been that way for the entire time, but if you can get something from him, would that help you love him again? Your only other option (at least that I can see) is to leave both of the men in your life, and start over again. What do you want to do? What makes the most sense for you?

      Please remember that you are strong enough to survive this, and that as rough as this seems, it will get better in time.

  30. mel 9 December 2015 at 3:39 am #

    I’m having a hard time accepting this philosophy. I’d like to believe it, and I have before but I don’t know anymore. Or the saying ” It happened for a reason”. I am not in love and have never been, but i’d like to be. I am currently dealing with a broken heart/ego. A month ago, I ended things with a guy who didn’t want a girlfriend. I became friends with him in our chemistry class last semester, and started seeing each other at the end of spring semester. During the month of May we spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately during summer we only saw each other twice because we were back home visiting family. Coming back to fall semester we began our usual hangouts, but a week later I tested positive for HSV2 :(. He tested positive also. He is asymptomatic so had no idea he was a carrier. It has been very difficult since then. Accepting the fact that we have this forever. I am grateful, it isn’t going to kill me, but emotionally it has been devastating. Worrying about finding love is my main concern, especially since I am not one to sleep around. Medically and physically it hasn’t been a big deal since the primary OB. I really mest up with this guy by not following my usual rule of not becoming intimate before commitment. Did I dig my own grave? Here is were these type of sayings don’t apply. Was I meant to get HSV2? I think not.

    Anyways back to “if its meant to be, it will come back” We both had become very attached to each other. After our diagnosis, he just wanted to “do him”. Which I thought meant it was over between us, but he kept kissing me goodbye, so that confused me. He later clarified he didn’t want a girlfriend because he needed to focus on school and didn’t want to pressure things. I was in denial and scared, so I went with it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the rejection, It made me think, “wow if someone that has the herps like me doesn’t want to be with me, who in the hell is going to want to be with me”. So I stayed and pretended to be okay with it. I know that was my mistake and I should have walked away then or asked more questions but I stayed quiet. I wanted it to work so badly so I could look back and think it was worth catching this silly little skin condition. So last month for his birthday he acted like a drunk fool, kept flirting with a girl in front of me. Right then I knew, he didn’t care about me how I cared about him and was disrespecting me. I felt so humiliated. I still do. The girl clearly didn’t know of our relationship which made me feel worse. She even planned a halloween party for him that weekend. Anyways, that pushed me to end it and only offer him my friendship. I asked him if he honestly was seeing us progress and he said he thought he did. Now I want closure. I have so many questions for him. Did he ever care? did he really see us working out later after we were done with school? If we had spent the entire summer together would it had been different? Did herpes just fast forward his decision to not want to be my bf? were we doomed from the beginning? Is it possible he actually didn’t want a gf because of how life is going for him? Or should I just assume it is because he didn’t want to be in a relationship with ME? it’s hard not to take it personal.

    I know I made it too easy for him. I was kind and did a lot for him. He def took it for granted and took advantage of it.

    I’d like to know the truth, even if it hurts. No more bullshitting. I’m a big girl, I can handle it. I want him to tell me he never saw a future with me, I want him to say everything. I think it will help me move on. Lies are more painful.

    I haven’t talked to him much since we stopped seeing each other. I have a lot of pride and don’t like to beg boys. He has a lot of pride too and doubt he will initiate contact anytime soon since I am the one who ended it. Sometimes I hope he will come back to me and help me get rid of this nightmare.

    I’ve been dealing with it okay I guess. Trying to stay positive and focused on my goals.

    • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 8:17 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your situation.

      I don’t know what to say, as it sounds like you’ve already got it pretty well figured out. Ask him the questions, and move on with your life. You are, as you have noted, strong enough to get through this. It looks like you have plenty to keep you busy, with school and your goals. I don’t know what I can add to what you already have expressed.

      As for ‘meant to be’ – I believe that applies to the relationship, not the virus. That was most unfortunate, but as you noted, not fatal.

  31. Jo 8 December 2015 at 12:04 am #

    I was dating a guy for just over a year and a half between the ages of 18-20, he was my first proper boyfriend and I started feeling as though the relationship was changing and so I broke up with him, 2 months later, I realised how much I missed him and he was still very much in love with me and straight away agreed to give it another chance. We were then “seeing each other” for 9 months exclusively, so ultimately back together but he didn’t want to put the title of it back on in case I broke up with him again, eventually I got fed up with it and ended it again. He was really upset over and for a few months would talk to me here and there in hopes of getting back together but I wasn’t really giving it a chance. Now he has been seeing someone else and it has made me realise how much miss him and I have still always known I was in love with him. He doesn’t trust this and is saying the only reason I want to now is because I can see that he is moving on and now he is not willing to give it another chance. I spoke to his mum and she quoted this saying to me. I’m worried if I leave him be and completely stop speaking, his relationship with this new person will just blossom but if I try to see him it will probably push him further away. I really want to get back with him and be with him forever. Do you have any advice? Thank you

    • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 8:11 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for leaving your comment.

      Looking back over my fifty-some years on the planet, I can only say that there will be others for whom you will care as deeply for or even more deeply. You are young, and you have our life before you. Take a deep breath, and consider what else you can do with your time as you heal from this relationship. Is there a hobby or activity you want to try? Take some time for yourself and grow.

      I believe you have proven that you can’t chase him back at this point, and you seem to agree about it pushing him farther away. My suggestion is to let life take its course, and simply enjoy your life. Perhaps you’ll find someone new quickly, or it may take time. But you will always love him, you will simply move on to loving someone else.

      • Jo 15 December 2015 at 10:43 am #

        Thank you for replying. I know that he still loves me though, so i don’t want to just move on and i don’t want to love him forever without being with him. I really don’t want to just move on and give up. people keep telling me if it is love and its meant to be will it find a way but I’m losing hope in that. Should i contact him at any stage? thanks again

      • philosiblog 17 December 2015 at 1:53 am #

        Thanks for your response.

        Until he is willing to say he wants the relationship, it does not exist. As for what the best path forward might be, that is a question you can best answer. A relationship has many moving parts and can be a bit tricky. What do you think the response would be if you contacted him again in a week? How many weeks after that before the next contact? Or if you waited a month, how many months after that?

        Do you think he would ever contact you if you stopped contacting him? Can you give it a few months and see what it feels like at that point? Only you can make this decision, just as only you will have to live with the consequences.

        I would recommend that you take some time, and see how it plays out.

      • Jo 22 December 2015 at 12:55 am #

        When you say you would do things differently what do you mean by that? What or how would you do it? thank you

      • philosiblog 4 January 2016 at 3:12 am #

        Thanks for stopping back in, and sorry for taking so long to reply – it’s a busy time of year.

        By differently, I mean that I don’t see a lot of communication going on. ” I started feeling as though the relationship was changing and so I broke up with him” and then the getting “fed up with him” sounds like you’re not communicating your needs very well. If that information was omitted due to space or time concerns, I understand. However if there isn’t much communication (ie he may say he heard you, but does he really understand what you need?), then how can he ever do better? I don’t know if the breakdown is on his end or yours, or that it even matters (other than for trying to get a better connection). He appears to be gone, and his mom seems to have provided that information as well.

        In my experience, you never stop loving someone. I still have some love in my heart for my ex-wife, despite all that went on. Some people just annoy you to the point of driving a wedge between you and them. I’m not sure that’s what happened here, but it did with my ex.

        One thing that I think is pretty obvious is that if you continue to pester him, you will drive him away. How long you can leave him alone and not do the same amount of damage by absence, that is an unknown. Perhaps if your relationship with his mom is good enough, you can ask her to call you if he breaks up with that girl, so you can have another chance? I don’t know how that would work, but it is something you can try.

        Getting back to always loving someone, that seems to be how life works. You’ll always love him. But there is room in your heart for so much more love than you can imagine. When you think your heart is full with your chosen, then come kids and eventually grandkids, and there is always room in your heart for more.

        I would let him go, and continue with your life. Always work on improving yourself, not for their sake, but for yours. Love will find you. And it may wander off again. But you will find someone. It took me almost 30 years to find the right one. It’s worth the wait.

    • lisa 15 December 2015 at 3:10 am #

      U playing with his head! I don’t think u know what u want! U want him u don’t ! Can’t blame him for moving on… Ur young u will meet other guys if he still has feelings for u he will be in touch! Just let it go its hard and hurts but I think u want your cake and eat it too now he has a girlfriend! Good luck time will tell!

      • Jo 18 December 2015 at 5:48 am #

        Thanks for your response. I know i look like a terrible person, but i truly do love him with all my heart and I’m trying really hard to not speak to him but its very hard to sit back and do nothing when not that long ago he was telling me how much he’s in love with me etc. We just had a really special connection and I don’t want to move on, I can’t help but think that in time he’ll realise this and still loves me etc.. It is really hard and I will keep holding back from speaking to him and let him be but I just wish i could remind him of how much I love him.

      • philosiblog 21 December 2015 at 7:48 pm #

        Thanks for reading the response and taking the time to respond.

        I try not to judge, as I don’t know you or your circumstances. I would do things differently, but I am a different person. You have to determine what you believe is right, and live with the consequences of your actions.

        Remember to be strong and that you can do whatever it is that needs to be done, if you set your mind to it.

  32. Liam 26 November 2015 at 3:30 pm #

    This reminds me of John Steinbeck’s letter to his son, Thom. The son is dealing with the prospect of unrequited love, and towards the end of the letter, his father writes: “And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens—The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”


    • philosiblog 3 December 2015 at 4:44 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, for leaving such a nice comment, and for sharing this similar quote.

      Good ideas tend to get repeated. Great ideas occur spontaneously at different times in different places. Which one of those this is, I don’t know.

  33. Ana 24 November 2015 at 12:10 am #

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now and our relationship is pretty serious. We are so in love and we spend almost everyday with each other. I truly believe that he is the one. We connect on so many different levels and I love him as a person because he has such admirable qualities that I look for and he feels the same way about me. We work together but don’t live together and we are both in our mid/late 20’s. I am 25 he is 27. I always knew he didn’t have a great childhood or idea of marriage (mother and father divorce are both twice divorced.. first and second marriage). He pretty much does not believe in marriage and I don’t blame him. He has mentioned it before.

    Just recently we just had another fight (we have a few small fights about little things now and then but always manage to work it out). It was becoming more frequent and I mentioned to him that it might be because I was thinking a lot about the future.. mostly because we are both in the processes of applying and going to business school. And shortly after (a day) he did a lot of thinking and we had a serious talk about our relationship which ended up in him deciding that we should go our separate ways. His reason was that he didn’t want to hurt me or waste my time because he doesn’t want to get married or have children which he says is what I want. I don’t know what I want. I always thought I would have a get married and have children because that’s tradition and it is what society paints for us. I never actually sat down and thought i really want to have a kid. I just figured I would have kids. He says he doesn’t want us to break up and he loves me so much. He has never felt this way about anyone and I truly gave him the best two years of his life (I feel the same way). But he said it would be selfish of him to keep wasting my time knowing that I could be with someone else who would give me what I want and that it is the right decision to make.

    I do not want this and he just made the decision. He doesn’t know what he wants in the future but he knows that he eventually wants to do charitable work and help people. He just doesn’t think that he could do that with a family and he doesn’t want me to be in that kind of relationship without the security of marriage or children. I’m not going to be like ok I don’t want children either, but i don’t know if I do want children and I will support him in what he wants to do as they are similar to my own goals in life. I just don’t think that it is fair for us to break up for something that I am that unsure of and I want to give our relationship a try. He says we should just go our separate ways now before it gets even harder when we’ve invested more in the relationship.

    What should I do? I can’t force him to be with me even though we still love and care for each other. He doesn’t want to do but “think its the right thing to do”. All I can do is respect his decision and hope that maybe we will come around and come back to me. I can’t let him go .. and he still wants to be friends. Maybe in a year or 10 well cross paths again? I don’t want to waste those years apart but he just keeps saying you’re going to find someone who will give you all those things. And he says he will probably never be in another relationship and doesn’t want to be.. he had it all with me.

    • philosiblog 3 December 2015 at 4:43 am #

      Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      It sounds like he has made his position clear. You correctly conclude that you cannot force him, so what will you do with your free time now? What can you do to improve yourself and your life?

      Give him some time, and see what develops, and stay strong.

    • lisa 19 March 2016 at 12:56 am #

      I was in somewhat situation. .i was with my best friend for 3 yrs we did everything together. ..i was married before and have 2 kids.he told me we need to end it before it gets ugly..he said he thinking about his future. He wants to find a woman who’s never been married and doesn’t have kids..i was devestated. .he even told me if i knew u earlier i would of married u..guys dont realize that if your happy why change it..he may never find what he’s looking for or finds in me..i had to let go..we still friends, but it kills me that things aren’t the same..if its meant to be he will come around if it wasent go find someone who loves u for u..good luck

  34. bill 7 November 2015 at 5:00 pm #

    Had to write on this topic I just broke up my grilfriend now I’m trying to get back with her but she not having it she can’t trust me anymore cause i pack all my stuff she think i would do it again if i got frustated and anger and im tellin her no i want ill come to you first and tell u whats up me and her been together for 8 months she didn’t have a job for 4 so I was there supporting her and her kids when I left her house had intentions of leaving but 1hr later I regret that I and realize I would be leaving my family that I love I did that my bags where in my car so I been apoligizeing still payin the bills showing her I didn’t want to break up I’m sorry but she won’t let be back in there lives or stay there anymore so I been sleeping in my car or motels hoping she would see that I never wanted leave just left cause of my anger an frustration… so I see now that she doesn’t Want me back anymore

    • philosiblog 10 November 2015 at 11:56 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      Yes, it sounds like she doesn’t want you back, probably for the reasons you mentioned. If you are serious about the changes you want her to notice, you have to understand what you have done has not achieved the result you want. I don’t know if she is even open to seeing you again, but you have pointed out that you sometimes do things which you later regret. I would focus on fixing that, and any other things which you feel need to improve in your life. As you become a better you, a better person, you will naturally find people who admire that in you. Whether she ever will, only time will tell. But for now, you know at least one thing you need to improve, so focusing on that would seem the best way forward at this time. What happens later is beyond our ability to control.

      Stay strong and work on yourself, not for her, but to become a better version of yourself. That may or may not be enough to get her back, but in the end, you can only control what you choose to do. Stay focused, and get busy!

  35. nora 3 November 2015 at 5:19 am #

    this is my story
    my bf for almost 3 years broke up with me almost 3 months ago on a day we were actually going to watch a movie and have dinner and we had waited for this day for weeks because we both busy and we were so excited to finally go out. we had a fight on the way to our date so we decide to cancel everything and go back i got mad and told him i don’t want to see his face and we better break up but its not the firs time i say that.we actually argue alot but we always go back and talk after it’s like nothing happened. he called me the second day and i was still mad at him he begged me to not leave but i was overly mad so i said i can’t . after a week i contacted him after i calmed dawn but he was totally different person he never want me in his life no more. he love me and never want to leave me. i was so depress and i did crazy things like crying and begging him to stay but didn’t work at the first he said he needed some time alone,he act so weird because he doesn’t want me to do stupid things like i start to drink after the break up and he was so mad about it, but he go with girls who does that
    i get drank and called him he came like crazy when he knew i was drunk cuz i’m college student never done any drink in my life not ever lil it was my first time. i called him and told him im sick i need to go to ER he came right away. few weeks after the breakup he blocked me from fb after i realized he was talking and going out with another girl and when i faced him about that he said its his friend’s girlfriend in the past he never liked this girl and he was disappointed of the way she and her sister act around boys few days ago a friend of me and him saw him with the two sisters at hooka bar and he tried to avoid this friend never said hi to her. after a silent of almost a month he called me one night to ask if i’m talking bad about him infront of ppl i told him i talked about his new gf not him so he answered he has nothing to do with her! 3 days later on it was his birthday i was with my fam out for dinner just to see him walking to the restaurant with that girl holding hands as bf&gf so i walked to his table and spit my drink on his face without any plans.i figured he start dating this girl only 2 weeks after our breakup and i know he liked her body curves!!
    a year ago i had scarf he took it from me and hang it on his car when i want this thing back he gave it to me but when i said i will get rid of it he took it back and he said he want to keep it, but he refuse to talk to me what so ever i gave him all his gifts back and when i asked his cuzin she said everything still the same way you left it he never touched them.
    i don’t feel the same anymore i’m not hurt like the beginning of the breakup but what always hurt me the thought of how comes he replaced me that fast and with the only girl that he know and everyone knows her history!! he seems happy i can’t believe he never thought about me after all what we had … i need to listen to ur opinion on my story
    thank you and sorry if it was long ….

    • philosiblog 10 November 2015 at 6:46 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      It sounds like he has turned away from the relationship. It looks like you have tried a number of things to get his attention, but have not succeeded. Perhaps he chose that girl because of how he thought it might impact you and your behavior.

      What I would ask you to consider is your own personal growth. You have identified a few behaviors you might want to work on improving. Can you explain you so ‘argue alot’, or get mad at him? You say you then get back to together ‘like nothing happened’, but what if he didn’t think the same? Your behaviors, it appears, drove him away. Until you change yourself, I don’t see how you can get him back until you change significantly. That may take time, and will take considerable effort. What is it worth to you, to improve yourself? What do you think your future holds if you continue to be the same?

    • KatG 17 December 2015 at 1:32 pm #

      Hi, Nora. What an emotional roller-coaster your boyfriend and you were on. Frequent arguments always ending in breaking up, getting back together like nothing happened and then repeat…over and over. I was exhausted just reading about it. It sounds as if you say a lot of things in anger you don’t really mean. Men are not mind readers. They don’t know you don’t mean it, even though in the past you never meant it. I told my husband I wanted a divorce if he didn’t change hoping he would change his ways if I threatened to leave. I came home from work and half the furniture was gone, his clothes were gone, our wedding picture was torn in half and he was gone. He believed me when I said I wanted a divorce. What I wanted was for him to stop drinking. That’s what I should have said. “Please stop drinking because it is making me miserable.” So the moral of the story is never say anything to a man you don’t mean. Never. Wait until the next day to discuss a problem when you have calmed down. And discuss the REAL problem without threatening him. If you say it, they will believe you…better make sure you mean it. Oh, and one more thing, ask yourself honestly if YOU would want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves just like you. Would you want your guy to drink like you, talk like you, act like you, treat you like you treat others? Behave like the person you would want to be in a relationship with. Your boyfriend, whoever it ends up being, deserves to be treated as you want to be treated.

  36. Tyra stewart 30 October 2015 at 11:01 pm #

    This is crazy and after this you might think I’m crazy we’ll this is a long story so bare with me SO I’m in middle school and many people say young people don’t fall in love and when they say they are there just saying that but well I’ve did a lot of research I’ve talked to so many people to figure this out and every time I’m always stuck so ….. this all started in 6 grade I met this boy we went friends at first but we had mutual friends which made us get to know one another a couple more weeks we started getting really close and talked mostly every time we saw one another at first when I first came to this school he had a girlfriend who never liked him she told everybody she was just using him for popularity which was kinda stupid but at that time he out of nowhere flirted with me which mad me start having feeling then him and his girlfriend broke up which I thought it was my chance so I told 2 people that I liked him and a couple days later he found out really after that he didn’t say anything which really hurtted but o well a then after a while we got really really close and when the school year was about to end he told one of his best friends that he liked me but he never asked me out on the last day of school his cousin had dared him to kiss me which he took one of my friends told me that he was gonna do that and that he always turned down a dare but he didn’t turn down this one so when the day was about to end he kissed me on the side of my lip and gave me a hug and told me he would miss me all summer he was the only thing I could thing about it was really weird because he told everybody that 7th grade year he would asked me out so 2015 this year 7th grade year were friends he gets me really confused he tells me he likes me and wants me to ask him out at the beginning of the year so I do and basically he says I have to get to my 7th period so i guess that was rejection we flirt a lot and when I say a lot I mean a lot but he’s really never told me how he’s felt now I’m moving and it hurts that I’m not gonna be able to talk see or smile at him anymore I’m really in love with him and im really confused please help tell me if will we ever meet again and meet each other please give me advice before I do something I regret

    • philosiblog 2 November 2015 at 12:08 am #

      Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your story.

      If I am reading this correctly, you’re in 7th grade? You still have your whole life in front of you. Take your time, and see what life has to offer. You’ll never forget him, but there is still love enough in your heart to love another. My recommendation is to relax and let time pass. You will find others in your life, and enjoy their company, and you might even fall in love again. Actually, in the next five to ten years, you’ll find many people to love, and you will be just fine. If he wants to be distant, let him. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You’ll be fine. You are strong, and you have the strength to make it through this troubling time.

    • KatG 17 December 2015 at 1:07 pm #

      Tyra, you wrote about your situation in October and it is now December 2015. How is it going? When I was in the 6th and 7th grade I had a crush on a boy that didn’t know I was alive. Also he had a girlfriend. I thought about him all the time, so much so, that I did not notice that another boy was always around me. Once another boy got mad at me and was going to hit me, and suddenly this other boy jumped in front of me protecting me from getting hit. I thought that was nice but didn’t think much about it. Then at the school dance this same boy came out of nowhere and asked me to dance EVERY dance that night. I was relieved because I wasn’t sure anyone would ask me to dance. One day I looked outside my living room window and I saw this boy across the street looking at my house with a few other guys. I didn’t go out and talk to him because I thought it was just a coincidence. Meanwhile I was still thinking about the guy with a girlfriend. Fast forward to high school, and I began to appreciate the guy that looked out for me and asked me to dance in 6th and 7th grade but by now, he had a steady girlfriend. I always regretted not realizing that he actually liked me in 6th and 7th grade. He was a really nice, kind and good looking boy, but instead I wanted the boy with the girlfriend who didn’t know I was alive. I missed out on a better boyfriend–someone who actually liked me–because I was crushing on the wrong guy. Flirting is not a sign of a good boy or that he likes you. Kissing you on the edge of your lip is not a sign that he truly, truly, truly likes you. He could have done it just to see if he can and what it feels like. A boy that truly, truly, truly likes you does three things: he tells everyone that he likes you and that you are his, he protects you, and he provides for you. If a boy is not doing that, move on because you care more than he does and that means you might be missing out on the better boyfriend you haven’t noticed. The better boyfriend won’t come to you if you are busy chasing another boy. He’ll think you are taken.

  37. Julie 6 October 2015 at 9:43 am #

    I fell in love hard and fast with I believe to be the love of my life. We dated for 9 months and spent every day together. He cheated on his wife for years and then decided to make the move and separate after 26 years together. We meet and life was wonderful. My ex suffers from Bipolar in which I was very supportive and tried to understand his thoughts process which was at times difficult. We had several disagreements and arguments but always loved each other and would work things out. We were planning on moving in together and marriage. Then our past relationship experiences came out and destroyed everything. He couldn’t cope with his past cheating and believed I deserved better, and he walked away. I text each week to see if he’s ok, he said he will always love me and is struggling. He isn’t enjoying his life since we broken up, I’m confused and fine it hard to let go! This feeling of emptiness without him is painful. What’s the best move for me to take

    • philosiblog 8 October 2015 at 11:17 pm #

      Thanks stopping by, and for sharing your experiences.

      A good relationship is impossible without good communications. You seem to have that already, so keep that up. Discuss with him what can be done to repair the relationship. Tell him how you feel, and how you miss him, and find out how he is doing. You may need to start again, and rebuild the trust for the relationship to bloom again.

      Just remember to stay strong, and to not give up on him while there is still hope.

    • lisa 9 October 2015 at 8:37 pm #

      I would stay in contact with him and be there as a friend its not what u want but if u still talk he might come around ! I find it weird he broke up with u because he cheated on his ex! There’s more to this he not saying maybe he cheated on u ! U just don’t walk away from someone for their past relationships! Good luck

    • KatG 14 December 2015 at 9:30 pm #

      Julie, falling for a separated man who had a long standing marriage with infidelity issues is a very shaky foundation to consider moving in together and marriage after only nine months. Maybe he thought so too. You may have been more serious about the relationship than he was. Being bi-polar is very difficult…the ups and downs, ups and downs. I was married to someone like that….thought I could save him…a foolish female tendency. A world of heartache for years watching my loved one’s self-destructive behavior and being unable to do anything about it. He eventually self-destructed in spite of all medical intervention and my efforts to prevent it. In my efforts to save him, I met many similar women who like me were aged before our time and very unhappy. Maybe you have escaped a painful future. Figure out if you are you attracted to men you think you can save, or that might need you? If so, stop doing that for your own sake. Find a true partner who can give as well as take, instead of a man to fix.

  38. Jessica 22 September 2015 at 1:21 am #

    My ex-bf and I have dated for 17 months. A week ago he decided to break up, he said we can’t go on like this. He said he wants to be with me and love me, but not like this. The thing is, during our relationship we spent almost everyday together. We would see eachother all the time and made our life revolve around the relationship. About a year after dating I noticed him hanging with his friends more often (he was still seeing me a lot too), but I would get upset because I wasn’t use to this change. And I would get upset over little things, I’d pick out little things to argue about that usually wouldn’t even matter to me. I really felt guilty for giving him a hard time, and I really began to be unhappy with myself and I would always be negative and down because I was too dependent on him for my happiness. I lost my own source of happiness. I guess no one wants to be with a person that’s not happy with themselves, right? When he broke up with me he said he really needed to do this, for the both of us. He says he doesn’t feel like we are achieving anything and that we’re not taking the future seriously. He says how can I see a future with you if I can’t even see my own future.. He would like the both of us to move on and find happiness within ourselves and that maybe then something great can happen between us. But for now he really just wants us to move on and be independent. It hurts me but I really am trying my best to understand him because I know why he’s doing this, as I guess I need this for myself too after having been so reliant on him. But he says he wishes to be really good friends still, friends that can talk everyday and hangout because he enjoys it (I enjoy it too). And he tells me the purpose of this break up isn’t to get rid of me but for us to just really start a new chapter and find happiness of our own. Please tell me your thoughts on this. I am talking to him happily and I’m not trying to show him any weakness because I want to prove to him that I can do it. I am trying my best to focus on myself and make myself a happy person because I know he would be happy to see me happy. I really hope he finds happiness too. Although deeep down I have hopes of getting back together, and I really really believe that one day we will. But for now my focus is myself. Please tell me your thoughts!

    • philosiblog 25 September 2015 at 4:09 am #

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story.

      It sounds, both from your comments and from his, that your relationship was having difficulties. You listed a few things you did which weren’t helpful to the relationship, right? It sounds like he wants to take a step back, and give both of you a chance to work on your individual issues, to improve yourselves. It sounds like you have already come to the same conclusion, so I would imagine that things are starting to fall into place for you.

      Stay strong, and always work to improve yourself and become the best person you can be at this moment in time.

    • KatG 14 December 2015 at 9:11 pm #

      Jessica, you sound like a sweet and trusting soul. That makes you easy to take advantage of. A wise man once told me that most men want food, sex and no drama. Sounds like you were giving your boyfriend drama with the arguments. But if you were arguing with him, he wasn’t meeting your needs either. He romanced you, got you, and then took you for granted while he went out with his friends. Love is not supposed to hurt. You should not be crying in a mutually happy, healthy relationship. He has stepped back from you reducing your expectations of him meaning he gets to go out with his friends without feeling guilty. HE still has you in his life waiting for his next text, but he doesn’t have to work for it. Be sure you are not giving him sex while he takes this break and don’t sit at home lonely waiting to get back together. Being independent means setting boundaries and not letting anyone take advantage of you. You have a right to be cared for and if he doesn’t want to care for you and meet your needs, go out and find someone who will. Keep this in mind when looking for a partner: The selfish come in three, sometimes-overlapping varieties:

      1) The “My Way or the Highway” Type

      This person cannot handle sacrifice or compromise. He/she believes their needs and desires and opinions are simply more important than their partner’s, and they need to get their way in almost any big decision. In the end, they don’t want a legitimate partnership, they want to keep their single life and have someone there to keep them company.

      This person inevitably ends up with at best a super easy-going person, and at worst, a pushover with a self-esteem issue, and sacrifices a chance to be part of a team of equals, almost certainly limiting the potential quality of her marriage.

      2) The Main Character

      The Main Character’s tragic flaw is being massively self-absorbed. He wants a life partner who serves as both his therapist and biggest admirer, but is mostly uninterested in returning either favor. Each night, he and his partner discuss their days, but 90% of the discussion centers around his day—after all, he’s the main character of the relationship. The issue for him is that by being incapable of tearing himself away from his personal world, he ends up with a sidekick as his life partner, which makes for a pretty boring 50 years.

      3) The Needs-Driven

      Everyone has needs, and everyone likes those needs to be met, but problems arise when the meeting of needs—she cooks for me, he’ll be a great father, she’ll make a great wife, he’s rich, she keeps me organized, he’s great in bed—becomes the main grounds for choosing someone as a life partner. Those listed things are all great perks, but that’s all they are—perks. And after a year of marriage, when the needs-driven person is now totally accustomed to having her needs met and it’s no longer exciting, there better be a lot more good parts of the relationship she’s chosen or she’s in for a dull ride.


      The main reason most of the above types end up in unhappy relationships is that they’re consumed by a motivating force that doesn’t take into account the reality of what a life partnership is and what makes it a happy thing.

      • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 9:13 pm #

        Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experiences and your thoughts on their experiences.

      • Anna Clark 4 January 2016 at 3:59 pm #

        Hi KatG. I wanted to say thank you SO much for the “types” to avoid. This resonated with me like nothing else. I was wondering if you would mind if I made a Facebook post and included the definitions you gave. Hope you’re having a good New Year and thanks so much for that post.

      • katg 11 January 2016 at 1:52 am #

        Anna Clark, feel free to pass on the information about the types of boyfriends/girlfriends to avoid. I am happy it helped you. Remember, the right relationship feels right and should not make you cry or angry most of the time. If you have to cry or be angry to be noticed or heard, the relationship is with the wrong person. Explain your needs quietly. Give examples of how things can improve. If no change, don’t cry, stalk or avenge. Quietly move on and don’t get sucked back into a relationship you know was painful to you. Search and focus on finding a comfortable, satisfying give-and-take relationship, and then nourish it with consideration, trust, kindness, understanding, and love.

  39. Kris 20 September 2015 at 1:26 pm #

    Hello, I’m in a situation and need advice! Him and I were close friends for several years. We eventually began “talking” a while after I got out of an abusive relationship with one of my exes. Anyways, we eventually began dating and he was so supportive, humble and such a gentleman. He opened doors for me, he stocked me up on school and house supplies (the abusive ex did a lot of financial damage to me). Also, he rushed me to the hospital when I was very ill and stayed with me both nights I was there, feeding me in the hospital bed and walking me to the restroom etc. We had great communication (no arguments, not ONE) and talked all issues out assertive. We accepted each other despite our flaws (him being short and slightly unfit, me having a medical condition and ocassional acne, etc). I would cook for him when he visited, which he loved. He would massage my stomach when I had cramps. We would cheer each other up during sad times. The list goes on. Then he began talking about the future and making a plan for us (marriage date, moving in with me, where to move after we’re done with college, how many kids). And he bought me an engagement ring, saying I’m the best thing that’s happened to him, and how I changed his life in a positive way, etc. We made a promise to stick together during the toughest of times and he promised he would never hurt me. A month later, him and his family’s house get robbed and he loses his job all around the same time. Then on the phone he tells me we can’t be together anymore (without much of an explanation). He told me to stay strong and continue doing good in college and said that I’m a great person, and said he’s mailing me a gift. Then the next day he deletes me from all social media, including Skype! What’s going on? I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. I love him so much. He’s such a rarity. Should I try contacting him again? Would he take me back? What do I do? There’s already been a couple guys who asked me out (including my abusive ex lol) but I don’t want anyone else except the one who let me go.

    • philosiblog 21 September 2015 at 10:28 pm #

      We men are curious creatures. When something traumatic happens, we often hide to deal with the emotions involved. Add to that the injury of theft (what kind of man am I who cannot protect his own house?) and loss of a job (what kind of man am I who cannot keep a job?), it’s easy to understand how he might feel humiliated and want to hide. Does that sound like it might fit?

      Perhaps it’s coming from his parents, who are feeling the shame of the events, and want to hide. In their hiding, they would have to have him hide as well, otherwise they wouldn’t be hiding very well, right?

      I don’t know what caused him to go into hiding, but as he has cut all media links, it’s up to you to find him and try to discuss this face to face. Perhaps he’ll feel better after some time, or getting a new job, but without you reaching out to him, he may not come back to you.

      Does that make sense? I hope what I said helped you determine your course of action.

    • KatG 14 December 2015 at 8:52 pm #

      Kris, Did you get his gift? Maybe the gift will help explain things. If you love him, give him a month or two of space to sort things out. If you can contact him in some way like writing a letting to the return address on the gift, you can let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. When a man loves you, according to Steve Harvey, they profess, protect and provide. He may not be able to provide any longer so he is protecting you by stepping away. Bottom line, be prepared to take him at his word when he says it is over. Believe it. I don’t want to be negative, but deleting his online traces is a bit suspicious. Could he have been separated while dating you and gotten back with his ex and he just doesn’t want to tell you, or let HER find out what he had been doing? Take good care of yourself and stay away from the abusive ex under all circumstances. Been there, done that and it is a big mistake to try to reconcile unless you enjoy being miserable.

  40. Hfa6464 3 September 2015 at 12:31 am #

    I found your article very interesting. Here is my story. I have been friends with my ex for 4 years and been together for 3years. For first 2 years she was going through divorce and it was stressful for both of us and I felt she would leave me for her husband and broke up twice. We kept our relationship a secret until last year and things were good. But I took her for granted I stop eating with her, I stop asking her out to lunch . She kept asking me to do dinner with her kids and I declined since I felt like we weren’t ready. She wanted me to marry her but I told her to take time. About 2monts ago we got in argument because she thinks I don’t love her and we stop talking for 2weeka and then she broke up with me staying I don’t love her or court her anymore. I did the usual begging and all that for 2 weeks then went NC since she is on match.com. I haven’t talked with her or text for a month, last Saturday I text her to see how she is doing and she responded we chatted back and forth 4-5twxts each but hers were longer. Then I ended it. On Monday I wrote her good morning hope you have a great week and she never responded. I am going back onNC and move on unless she contacts me. I have gone out with 4 girls in last month but decided I’m not ready to date. I have to see her at hospitals and I will just say hi and walk. What’s your thoughts?

    • philosiblog 4 September 2015 at 9:48 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      It is difficult to say. It sounds like she wants (or wanted) stability and to be safe as much as she wanted you. That can put a person in a tough spot. There is a desire to help, but not at the cost of your own sanity, safety, and space. It sounds like you stepped back, and she lashed out. You may have said it, but I didn’t see a place where you said that you explained what your position was, and what your needs were. It might have been part of the argument.

      In any case, if she knows you’re not ready, then she has to wait for you, to see if you come back. Perhaps that is what she is doing. Take your time and understand why you don’t think you’re ready. What else is missing? What haven’t you done? What would you need to experience or accomplish to consider yourself ready? Conversely, what changes would she need to make before you would consider her to be ready?

      You sound like you were close, but not close enough. Consider if there is any future for the two of you, and if so, what changes you both need before you two actually are close enough to move to the next step. It may be that you two will just be friends, however distant that may be in this moment of pain and discomfort. It may blossom into something more. Think, and consider your feelings.

      Stay strong, you will get through this. Knowing where you’re going (and what you want) helps, so take the time to consider that as well.

    • yrellim 2 November 2015 at 9:04 am #

      Sounds very messy from start to finish. Her divorce your feelings. I think this is a case for you to let her go as it sounds like you don’t really want her. She is on match .com as she also is serious about moving on. If I am wrong- pop the question, get engaged and then discuss dates and live happy ever after. Oh and add in the date nights with your love.

    • KatG 14 December 2015 at 8:31 pm #

      I am a woman and have a female point of view. It appears she wants a committed relationship and you do not. You have a seven year history of friendship and dating. If you don’t know by now if you want to marry her, you probably don’t want to marry her. She might only be on a dating site to give you some sense of urgency to make up your mind to commit to her. If you are on a dating site, at some level, you are still looking for Ms. Perfect and it doesn’t appear to be her. Don’t string her along with a wishy-washy courtship. It is confusing and hurtful for us women, gives us false hope, and wastes our time. It’s demeaning and confusing for us to be treated like an important part of a man’s life, and then ignored for a while, and then be cared for again. It’s a very hurtful emotional roller-coaster for us. Please tell her outright in plain language that she should not expect a commitment from you, and that she should move on to find a life partner. If you care for her but do not want to marry her, that is the kindest thing you can do for her. Be prepared for her to have no contact with you because obviously she loves you enough to hang around and wait this long. The easiest, if that is possible, and quickest way to get over someone is to have no contact with them ever again.

  41. Diss 21 August 2015 at 7:31 am #

    Hi, I’m 18 now, I met a girl accidently or it was meant to happen because I kinda felt it happening before hand (gut feeling).
    So we got to know each other it turned into a relationship and so on. We we were best friends and we told each other about our past. She had been through a lot. A guy who used to like her, liked 2 girls at the same time and she got dumped and it turned into a bitch fight because the other girl was also a friend of hers. So at the same time, her mother told her that her mother and father are seperatedS and pretended to be together until she was at an age which she could understand the divorce.So when both of those things combined she was obviously devastated and she started getting trust issues. So she told me all of that and I also was there for whenever she needed me and it was a happy relationship. But when we spoke about our ex’s and what we had done and all I told her that I’ve been in a relationship before and I’ve caressed and all that but I never told her that I’ve gotten a blowjob and it was that intimate. But at that time she asked me if I’m not telling her anything thinking that she might freak out about me. But I said no because it was really uncomfortable for me to tell her that. So then we were happy the relationship continued I asked her out, and it grew we were about 1 year into the relationship. But last month I just couldn’t resist hiding anything from her, she always loved me and she was always honest with me, she trusted me 100% but I couldn’t lie to her because I loved her, I told her about the blowjob with my ex and stuff, she was shocked and she was hurt.She was really upset that I hid something from her. Then she made up her mind, her preception about me changed and she decided that we’re done and that I should move on. It hurt me so much, I realized that I had made a big mistake and I tried explaining to her, I was genuinely sorry for what I did. But she is independent, smart and I know that she’d never change her principles. But I always felt that she’s the one, cause everything about her I always got a gut feeling and ironically the first time I met her was at a trip organized for her by her parents to tell her that they’re seperated. I was always genuinely happy with her. I love her so much, it’s so hard for me to let go cause deep down inside something tells me that she’s the one, but I also know that she’s very independent and she won’t change her policies just like that. Also when she first started going out with me her mom advised her that serious relationships at this age won’t work. And her mom also told her that anyone who lies to their parents will eventually lie to their partners. My gf knew that I lie to my parents. So all in all she said that she can’t give me another chance and she might sound rude and selfish but she doesn’t need to put up with all this, she’s not married to me or anything, so she was like she cbb and I should move on.

    • philosiblog 22 August 2015 at 10:22 pm #

      Emotions can be tricky. Sometimes what sounds like a good and sound decision will turn around and bite you later on.

      As far as I can tell from your comment, she is gone for now. The only question now is what will you do with your time? I would recommend looking to the things you know you can improve within yourself, or to things you wanted to try, but didn’t have the time while she was around.

      Just as she came into your life out of nowhere and made a huge impact, there could be another out there for you. Learn from what you did (and failed to do), and grow from the experience. Stay strong, continue to improve, and become the best person you can be at this moment in your life.

      She might come back, but she might not. Your happiness depends on you, not on her, so find what makes you happy and pursue it.

    • Dennis 28 August 2015 at 4:43 pm #

      Past relationships are past relationships. Don’t bring them up with current gfs as it will only cause problems and likely destroy any future you may have together. Be polite, don’t bash your ex, but say that’s over and I’m looking forward not back.
      Best I can suggest as I didn’t do that in my past and destroyed many possibilities.

    • KatG 14 December 2015 at 8:14 pm #

      DISS, What has happened to you and your relationship, has happened to most of us. Your love met MOST of your needs, and that is why you are so heartbroken now. But she failed to recognize your dedication to her by being honest with her. You wanted to share everything with her including your secrets. Instead of rewarding you for your honesty, she hurt you. It could be that she does not share your sexual preferences. Would you want a life with someone who would not now or ever enjoy the same things you do? The two of you are NOT compatible at this time in your lives. You have been going by ‘gut’ to find love. From my own experience, that leads to unhappiness. You need more than ‘gut’. Make a list of the traits you want in a partner and as a parent to your children. Keep it handy and read it frequently. You’ll train yourself to look for someone like that instead of just happening upon a ‘gut’ love that will eventually lead to heartache. The easiest, if that is possible, and quickest way to get over someone is to have no contact. Keep this in mind because you want a partner who gives to you as you give to them in life…you don’t want to be a caretaker: Stay away from these three, sometimes-overlapping varieties, of which your love sounds like the ‘My Way or the Highway’ type:

      1) The “My Way or the Highway” Type

      This person cannot handle sacrifice or compromise. She believes her needs and desires and opinions are simply more important than her partner’s, and she needs to get her way in almost any big decision. In the end, she doesn’t want a legitimate partnership, she wants to keep her single life and have someone there to keep her company.

      This person inevitably ends up with at best a super easy-going person, and at worst, a pushover with a self-esteem issue, and sacrifices a chance to be part of a team of equals, almost certainly limiting the potential quality of her marriage.

      2) The Main Character

      The Main Character’s tragic flaw is being massively self-absorbed. He wants a life partner who serves as both his therapist and biggest admirer, but is mostly uninterested in returning either favor. Each night, he and his partner discuss their days, but 90% of the discussion centers around his day—after all, he’s the main character of the relationship. The issue for him is that by being incapable of tearing himself away from his personal world, he ends up with a sidekick as his life partner, which makes for a pretty boring 50 years.

      3) The Needs-Driven

      Everyone has needs, and everyone likes those needs to be met, but problems arise when the meeting of needs—she cooks for me, he’ll be a great father, she’ll make a great wife, he’s rich, she keeps me organized, he’s great in bed—becomes the main grounds for choosing someone as a life partner. Those listed things are all great perks, but that’s all they are—perks. And after a year of marriage, when the needs-driven person is now totally accustomed to having her needs met and it’s no longer exciting, there better be a lot more good parts of the relationship she’s chosen or she’s in for a dull ride.


      The main reason most of the above types end up in unhappy relationships is that they’re consumed by a motivating force that doesn’t take into account the reality of what a life partnership is and what makes it a happy thing.

      • philosiblog 14 December 2015 at 9:03 pm #

        Thanks for your thoughts on their situation. I made a similar list of qualities and flaws after my first divorce. It helped me focus on what I really wanted and needed in my life, and led me directly to my wife (now of over 20 years).

  42. Lakeshia 14 August 2015 at 2:30 am #

    That was good. I was involved with a man and I Loved him with my soul. I have loved before, but I have never felt this way about anyone, he was my best friend. We talked about EVERYTHING, if anything happened good or bad, he was the first person I would call. I wanted to share every detail of my life with him. I thought for sure we would be married right now, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. We took a trip last summer and things have been rocky every since that point. We went from talking everyday, to 3 weeks with no communication at all. I tried everything to make him see, just how much I Loved him, but he kept giving excuses as to why we are at this point, and it just doesn’t add up, and it hurts so bad. So I finally made the decision to let it go, if he is meant for me he will come back. Walking away is not always so easy to do, but I had to let it go.

    • philosiblog 18 August 2015 at 9:58 pm #

      Thanks for sharing your experience. That is the crux of the quote, isn’t it? If you didn’t let go, you’d be fighting the fight every day until he left, and then all you’d have is month(s) or year(s) of regret, anger, and frustration. And he’s still gone. That’s not to say you don’t fight for what you want, but to realize that there is a time to let go.

      As I frequently say, we are all stronger than we know. We can do and endure far more than we imagine. You’ll get through this, and you will find someone worthy of you. It might be him, once he deals with his issues, or it might be someone else. But stay strong through the tough days, and enjoy the good ones.

    • KatG 14 December 2015 at 7:47 pm #

      We have all had relationships like that and it really hurts. I found this book very helpful. Some people are just ‘unavailable’ for an emotional connection…it’s not you. It’s them. Learn to spot them so you do not invest too much of yourself in them and become hurt. ‘Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women that Love Them’ by Natalie Lue. You can read about it here: http://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B005WJGPZI?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o03_

  43. lisa 1 August 2015 at 3:17 pm #

    I found my greatest love ! He says he never had anyone like me! All we do is laugh and have great times together ! We had our moments I f hurting each other but we worked it out we been together for 3 yrs ! I can’t have kids anymore I got my tubes tide he doesn’t have kids! He told me we should stop this he wants a family in future and I can’t give him that so he ended it with me I need advice I’m so sad! He said he loves me so much someone give me advice I think he gonna regret this

    • philosiblog 8 August 2015 at 11:45 pm #

      While I’m not a medical professional, I have heard of reversals of such a procedure, as well as egg harvesting with in-vitro fertilization as ways of getting pregnant. Neither option is cheap (from what I understand), but they are options. Those (and perhaps others) could be used to start a family, if he is willing to consider them. Ultimately, a relationship requires two people. He will have to decide to stay for his own reasons.

    • Dennis 28 August 2015 at 4:35 pm #

      Love is not selfish. Not to pass judgment but if I love someone and they couldn’t have kids we would adopt and make our own family. I’m sorry for your pain.

  44. Hopeful 31 July 2015 at 7:45 pm #

    My girlfriend left me a few days ago after many occasions of me lying to her and flirting with other girls. I know I have a lot to work on and figure out why I lied so much. She had sex with an ex while we were dating and I was extremely hurt by that and held animosity towards her throughout the relationship and that is what caused so many fights because I refused to show her proper love. I left after she wanted to be friends with her ex but tried to come back because I thought that was cowardly. She refused and told me that after all the times she stayed when I lied and i couldn’t do the same. I am lost and stick with what to do. I love her and regret all those lies. Should I just leave it be or try work things out? I don’t know what to do. I have tried multiple times in the last week to work things out but she said for her own self-respect she would not do it. She wants to live her life and if things don’t work out with someone else than maybe she would come back but she was very vague. I don’t know what is going on.
    She would emasculate me, hit me, and put me down on multiple occasions but I forgave her because I loved her but she never saw what she did wrong.

    • philosiblog 8 August 2015 at 11:41 pm #

      It sounds like you already have a list of things you can work on, right? A perfect relationship requires two perfect people. It’s a great goal, but a bit idealistic. Realistically, you know you have some work to do, so focus on you. You cannot change her without her consent, and the effort will be tremendous. I would focus on the things you mentioned as your own flaws. As you become a better person, you will find that you attract better people. Eventually, she will either come back, or you will attract someone worthy of the new and better version of you. You are strong enough to do this, it’s just a matter of if you are willing to do so.

  45. pouya 25 July 2015 at 4:14 pm #

    appreciate that you puts time on these boring situation. i salute you.
    but first of almost ,let me begin with my heart breaking story, i can not see clearly so my only hope is here i guess, im 25 ,i was in a really really good relationship and in love from the begining, for a year, and we enjoys every moments of this 365 days, so much to tell ,i dont know where to begin, first of all, i try so hard on the beginning to makes her beleve in me, makes her love me, on that time she was 6 months alone, and not looking for any guy! heart broken i think, anyway i tried my ass off, and eventually i made it, no lies behind the friendship no anything, i was great, going piknik every fridays, hanging out everyday, i mean every day ,even after i came back from work in evenings, having fun in any situation,we had strange telepathy that even now i can not beleive,it way great until it became routine after a time, every thing we had become normal, our funs, our pikniks,all of our funs become routine and normal, and i didnt realize it until she broke up with me ,i should say i puts her in a difficult situation and i didnt even think about how stupid i am! every day every moment calling texing… ,(not for checking! just to know whats gonig on ) texting every goddawn nights, with lovely stickers, again texting every morning, all im saying is she didnt like the relationship like this, she felt like a prison, and all because of me!! i didnt get it, she never told me ,after sometime it pressed her a lot and the fights begins over anything! once we fight over 2 minutes of my delay, picking her up! over an orange for instance! it was not cool. i wish i knew my bad influence on her sooner or she could have told me! but she didnt, and this goes upper than her cap, and one night after a little fight she told me that she dont love me anymore, and this relation is gone! i was f**ked! i really mean this! all my days turn to darkness, nothings mathers to me anymore, 1 day after that i tried a lot to save this, so many text, but no answer, after 2 days i told her i have to meet her, and she came, first she was so angry she wanted to go home soon, but again good stuff begins and she became smiley. when i wanted to pull her off at her home, she told me to forget her, and the same conversation! it was hard! i told her to take a few days off without me, and we we’ll be fine,she accepted it without saying anything, for 2 days i just texted her in viber, no calls, she replied me in short words! like ok, goodnight…. i didnt complain about anything, after this 2 days ,i sets a piknik for tomorrow of that day! but she said she wont come,
    we had a phone call over that night, again at first bad, but at the end good, i told her im not breaking up with you, but because i have true love for you if it is that you want, so be it ,in these days i got my problems and i told her i didnt mean to be like this,my giganic love bored her,
    i told her the cause of problem, and said that im sorry, it was a good conversation i should say,and i let her go ,but told her to come back whenever you want,
    forget my poor english! but i dont have anyone to talk! these kind of stuff is boring for the others ,and after a time a tool to makes fun of you!
    its been 2 days since we talked and i feel like a whole goddawn year! i miss her so bad, every day i look at his telegram page, im loosing my mind man! it’s not my first love! i had so many ex, so many, but this one even from the beginings felt diffrent and hurts 1000 times more than the first love! what should i do!! i know every options, my mind is creative, the reason why?cuz im an architect. but in this case i dont have any sullution! should i surprise her? buy something that she always wanted? or should i wait!? i really dont know!!!!!!!!! help me.

    • philosiblog 8 August 2015 at 11:23 pm #

      Sorry to be so long in responding, as I was on vacation.

      The easy answer is you should do what helps her most. The tough part is finding out exactly what that is. You have some ideas, based on what she has said in the past (fewer calls/texts seems to be part of it). What else has she mentioned?

      That said, everyone needs a little space. She may need more than you are comfortable giving her. By definition, at least one of you will be uncomfortable. If you keep her uncomfortable, she will leave, right? That appears to be where you are at right now. What are you willing to do to try to keep her (and realize that it isn’t always possible to succeed)?

      I hope that made some sense, and remember that you are stronger than you know. You may have to go through rough or tough times, but you can make it. She will make her own decisions, based on what is most important to her. If you keep working on becoming the best person you can be, you will find someone worthy of you. It might be her, it might be someone else. I cannot predict the future for you, but we can all learn from the past.

  46. Cory Young 15 July 2015 at 10:42 am #

    If a woman leave everything behind on go to her mother house should I go get her

    • philosiblog 16 July 2015 at 6:44 pm #

      Thanks for sharing your experience. If she left everything behind, I suppose you could consider that she plans to come back at some point. The question then arises: Why did she leave in the first place?

      I would focus on retaining her, not just recapturing her. If what drove her out isn’t fixed, she will leave again, right? Think about what caused the problem in the first place, and what you can do to change yourself or your circumstances to reduce or eliminate the issue.

      Remember, you cannot change her, so any solution must come from within you. If you are unwilling or unable to change, then either she must accept it, change herself, or agree to end the relationship.

      I understand this is very broad advice, but ultimately, you will have to make the decisions and abide with the consequences. Be strong in the face of these challenges, but understand that it takes two to have a relationship. What are you willing and able to do?

  47. Ugiz Rafael 6 July 2015 at 7:22 am #


    I really need your advice. I don’t know where to start, it seems like i dont want to talk about it anymore but my heart needs answer to know if i am in a wrong path of love.
    It started here, a months ago my co-worker and i had this what you called “mutual understanding” to the point that we act like we’re in a real relationship. We really enjoyed each others company everytime we are together, to the point that he asked me if i can be his girlfriend. And i said, “I want a go with the flow relationship” since he just went from eight years relationship one month ago, i need to consider that they might fix their relationship and be together again. He confessed everything to me, his flaws, imperfections even his past relationship with other girls while with her 8 years. I was stupid to know that i’ll be one of his history that he was talking about. We’ve been together for four months, he made promises and i fell in love really hard. Three months after, someone texted him and kept on annoying him, he opened it up to me. I told him maybe it is your 8 years, then a minute ago he said yes. I felt nothing and said to him that its okey, you can still talk to her. I was so stupid that i allow him to talk to her eight years, that i didn’t even think of myself that i will get hurt, because i know he’s mine and we love each other eventhough we dont have any label. After four months of being okey, he started being so cold, he didn’t text me every morning, where he is, and dont think about me anymore. I felt something wrong and i discovered that he and his 8 eight years were nearly in a relationship again. I was so shocked, he didn’t even say to me, hey i dont like you anymore. He let me feel alone, he left me hanging with so much questions without any answer. I was really depressed, i cant even eat and do my work, but i still love him. I made a lot of mistakes and almost didn’t respect myself because i want to be with him. Even my friends dont know what to do. And now, after 7 months of sufferings we’re still in the same work, i also decided to leave so i will forget all the heartaches and bitterness but nothing happened. I stiil love him a little, and now he and her girlfriend is now separated again, we’re okey again just like before but i will not myself fall in love again. I dont want to feel the sadness again, it breaks my heart. What are the advices that you can give? Will i stop it or continue?

    Thank you so much!

    • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 1:36 am #

      Thanks for sharing your experience with us. The end of a heart-felt relationship is like a little death. You need to go through the grieving process to become whole again. You cannot spend the rest of your life ignoring or resisting love, just because of one jerk. You deserve to feel whole again. You deserve to feel love again.

      It’s good that you aren’t in daily contact with him anymore. He has his own problems to deal with, and you need to work on getting past him and the relationship which has hurt you. Everyone grieves differently, but there are places on the net to find out more about some of the standard models of grief, and see which one best matches how you have successfully dealt with grief in the past.

      Then you need to do it. You need to get over the relationship before you can move on to what awaits you out there. But that doesn’t mean you have to hate him. Perhaps he was a two-timing jerk, but you had some special moments together. You can remember those, just be sure to also remember he’s a jerk too. Remember the good times, but don’t fall for him again.

      It may take some time, but you can do it. We all have strength within us which can do wonders, if we just let it out. Use it wisely, and find your way to peace with yourself, and then move on with your life. There is so much to do, and you deserve nothing but the best. First find yourself, then you will find love.

      • ugiz 9 July 2015 at 2:18 am #

        We are still in the same woek and everytime i hear something about him with other girls, it still breaks my heart because we are in a circle of friends. I really dont know if he’s a big insensitive jerk.

        Philsblog, thank you for giving me advice. I felt the love for myself now. I think its time to let go and be happy again. I won’t hesitate to come back and read all your advices. You are a real blessing from above. God bless you. 🙂

      • philosiblog 10 July 2015 at 1:47 am #

        Thank you for the kind words.

  48. Hopeful Human 30 June 2015 at 8:26 pm #

    This is the first time ever I am writing something like this. I met a girl and we became good friends but when she got married we lost contact. After 2 years or so, I sent a casual email and she responded back. She was going through a very tough time with her marriage and was in the process of a split up. I was there by her as a real good friend and after a year we got physical. Though we didn’t think it would go serious, we continued the same for over a year. I started having feelings on her and eventually fell madly in love with her. She tried to push me away because she noticed it and thought her family may not agree but she tried to tell her Mom about me but it didn’t go well. I convinced my parents about her and then I proposed her. She out rightly said NO, got mad at me and stopped talking. After a couple of months she wrote me back and I asked her to meet in person to express my views. I tried to remove her fear about marriage on a whole but I thought of giving her time to get through and we started seeing each other casually. She got a job else where and I used to drive 250+ miles every week(apart from my regular 500 miles for work) to spend time with her. When I am not by there, we are on facetime/phone, texting all day after work. We totally forgot everybody and everything around us. We used to miss each other and hate every moment of not being together. So I took the liberty to ask her after 8 months if anything has changed and if she got any feelings towards me because I used to feel that she was in love with me. But she said she doesn’t and that she hates herself not getting any of those feelings towards me even though she keeps wanting to. I felt keeping her at a distance would be better for both of us because of it not moving forward. But I couldn’t see her upset and started going back normal. Just a few weeks ago I decided to put an end to it assuming she would definitely realize her feelings towards me. I told her that I can’t be an honest friend for now and that I have to first let go off all my feelings before I can be a real friend and that it might take a few days to months. She wished me good luck and said any woman would be lucky to have me in their lives because she thinks I am the best man she ever saw in her life. There is no communication for almost 3 weeks now. I always thought there was a real good reason that our paths were meant to cross and that choosing a narrow and difficult path in life would lead to the happiest of the journey’s. I still keep telling myself every day that she would come back soon. I don’t know if she would or not but the last thing I ever wanted to was to see myself with another girl. I know time is the best medicine. I am keeping myself busy every day with work or work outs and being active all day but atleast before going to bed, I feel the fear of her not coming back and not being in my life and shed a few tears. I never realized human body can shed so much water and still not get dehydrated and a person like me who never shed a tear even when a family member died, it feels really weird when I think about it. I just saw this blog this morning and wanted to share this as I cannot share this to any of my friends without them judging her or making fun of me.

    • philosiblog 7 July 2015 at 1:08 am #

      Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like she is having issues with how to have another relationship after her first marriage. Until she has come to grips with the death of her prior relationship (and in a way, that is what she is going through), having another relationship will by definition be too soon.

      She may also have some self-confidence issues, especially if she blames herself (even if only in part) for the failure. What can you do to help her though this tough time? How can you help her come to grips with her past and come forward to the present? The only other thing you can do is to wait for her to heal herself, if she ever does.

      Sorry I don’t have a specific path for you, or a special formula which will result in instant success. You will have to dig deep and fight for what you want, and fight in a smart way. If you don’t act with some tact or skill, you can drive her away, but with some care and love, you may be able to help her get beyond her past. It won’t be easy, but you have the strength, if you believe it is worth the effort.

      • des23 14 January 2016 at 12:33 pm #

        Hi…. hope u can help me what to do.
        Quite half a year ago, a man had me feel so loved and had me realized that i’m worth to be loved as he noticed me so down due to my break-up with my ex. He helped me get through pains and helped me move on until unnoticeabliably i fell in love with him deeply. We both fell in love with each other deeply even out of physical, we believe that we are born for eah other psychologically. He promised to come for me to marry me this May.
        For continues communication for 5 months, we never care about anybody but we filled our conversations with plans for the future and a family we will make.
        I think he is my true love. But Now I wait for him for he vanished unwillingly, without warning. The last time he told me, he’ll attend a meeting, but from that time on, he never came back. I wait for him, but while waiting i had the fear of losing him. When i got a news about the flood in his place, my fear worsen, but trying to pacify myself so i wait and pray wholehertdly. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. I rejected whoever courts me because i believe no other man can love me the way he does. However,through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?” 
        what should i do?

      • philosiblog 18 January 2016 at 5:54 am #

        Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your experience.

        It sounds like there was something there between you two. However, it appears that he is either unable or unwilling to contact you at this point. Are you able or have you tried to go to where he was, and see if he is still alive and well? Are the conditions so bad that he might be alive, but unable to communicate with you (power or phone lines down, roads damaged or destroyed, etc)?

        How long have you been waiting? How long ago did he go to the meeting, and how long after that was the flood? Why are you unable to follow him? I do not understand your situation.

        It is hard to come up with ideas to try to help you without more information. In the mean time, it appears that you are trying to keep calm and keep him in your heart, your mind, and your prayers. That is a great place to start. But how long should you wait before deciding that he is gone and that you have to move on?

    • syed zain 29 July 2015 at 10:37 am #

      Forgt evrythng else…
      and nevr give up don’t let her go keep asking her… If your affection is true one day you will get together

    • Tim 9 August 2015 at 1:42 pm #

      Keep your chin up. Focus on yourself and your happiness. Find a new hobby. Its all about you. If your not happy, another person surely cannot truely make you feel that way. I just went through a rough break up of my GF of over three years. She stupidly cheated when all these changes were happening in her life instead of talking to me and embracing the changes we were taking together, she found comfort in another man. I saw her change instantly, but our communication had broken down and she shut me out. I was devastated. This was the first girl in all my 28 years that I shared a true connection/bond with. Through 2 months of torment, I finally accepted that she may not feel the same way and moved on. Then just this week she texted me back and wants to try again. I was hesistant but think if we start over from square one our bond will be stronger then ever. I just want to say I know your feelings and you have to move on, if it is meant to be things will work out, if not you are the better man and will win in the long run when you find your true love. You will only slow yourself down if you dwell to long. Life is to short and awesome to wait on the behalf of others. Good luck Hopeful Human!!

    • Dennis 28 August 2015 at 4:28 pm #

      Brother, I feel your pain and can relate. If I could make it go away or her to realize you, I would. If you plan on her never returning and keep busy, either way it will be win, win for you.

    • Stlafan 26 September 2015 at 10:53 pm #

      I could’ve totally wrote what you did word for word. I am going through the exact same thing. The only difference is she moved 280 miles away. That’s how identical this is. Even the time frame is spot on

    • Kimmie 18 October 2015 at 6:38 pm #

      I have this issue and need some advise. I worked at this company about 14 yrs ago. Met this guy who started working there. Good looking and all the woman wanted him. He was a huge flirt but took special interest in me. The mutual flirting started and eventually I took him home for the night. We shared a very special night. After that I started hearing stories that he was married and flirting with other woman at work. My natural instinct was to separate myself from the situation and avoid him. I did that and after several attempts on his part to tell me his marriage wasn’t working etc.. Not long after I quit and found something different with more monew, nor because of our situation. Over the years I would bump into him and the chemistry was still there but when he would call I would ignore his calls. A few months ago I was offered a merchandising job at the same workplace. I took it. Now we see each other at least 3 or 4 days a week. The flirting was automatic and we seemed to pick up where we left off as far as being friends and civil. After about a month of strict flirting he tells me he had a girlfriend but she’s moving away to England for school for 1 year. So I’m thinking great because for some reason this time he’s got my attention. For some reason this time I can’t seem to see him enough, hear his voice or feel his hug. This time I can’t seem to get him out of my head. He tells me I hurt him when I left and over the years when he tried to reach out to me I ignored him. So he doesn’t understand why now am i wanting something more with him. He says he wants to be good friends first and not rush into anything. In other words no sex. I’m fine with that but honestly the chemistry and passion we have when he kisses me makes me weak. I know he is just coming out of a relationship and obviously had trust issues with me which I don’t blame him. But my question is do you think we were brought back together for a reason or am I just incredibly lonely and hanging on to something that was never meant to be.

      • philosiblog 23 October 2015 at 1:46 am #

        Thanks for taking the time to share your situation.

        My very first thought was of the old quote about Tigers not ever changing their stripes. If he was cheating on his (presumably now ex-) wife with you, and perhaps others, what makes you think he won’t do it to you in this situation? Are you willing to risk it? How hurt would you be to find out he had been seeing some other girl (or girls) behind your back? I see danger signs, but you will have to evaluate the situation and come to your own conclusion.

        As for your actual question, was this for a reason, or are you hanging on? To me, that would depend on what you want and what you think your future holds. Do you want something casual to fill a void until you find “Mr Right”, or are you looking at him as a potential candidate for “Mr Right” and a lifelong commitment? If you’re leaning more towards the casual, I don’t think the answer to the question is all that important. If he is a contender, then the question is more serious. I don’t believe in coincidence or random chance. To me the more appropriate question is “What lesson are you about to learn?” Is it that absence makes the heart grow fonder, or are you being set up for a wreck, so that you may learn about tigers and stripes? Which do you think more likely?

        No matter what the outcome, you have within you the strength to see it through. You need to figure out what you want out of the relationship, and what he wants. You have to determine trust and integrity issues. You need to stay strong throughout these preliminaries, and see yourself through to the proper (as defined by you) ending.

        Yeah, it’s not very specific, but you have to live with the consequences, and you must do the hard work of making sure you make the right decision. I started with my opinion, but ultimately, the choice (and its consequences) is yours to make.

    • Alisha 7 February 2016 at 11:41 am #

      Hello there, I have read so many interpretations on this quote and all of them are different and quite interesting, I feel like experience and beliefs may have a lot to do with it too. But I have always seen it as letting go of people, relationships or thinge s that are out of our control or not viable in the moment, and that if it is meant to be, the right opportunity will arise for it to happen again. I won’t go into details of how my past relationship ended because it would be a 10 page essay, but because of things like having my trust broken by lying and cheating on his part, for the upteenth time, it made it hard for the relationship to viable right now. Even though we both were very much in love with each other, and wanted to to be with each other, the relationship right now wouldn’t have worked because it was hard to be open to fully trusting again right now and it’s crazy because I blame myself for that. I am almost 21 and I guess I am still young but it was an almost five year relationship and I genuinely believed I would spend my life with this person if those things had not happened again. We were both young when we first got together and fell deeply, and even up until our break up we still wanted to be together because of love, but every time our relationship was in jeopardy it was because he had told a lie or had his eyes on/acted on attraction for another girl. And it does sound crazy, but for two years we didn’t have any of this drama, then boom.
      I know now that it’s unlikely that we will get back together in the future under those circumstances and he will probably find somebody else, but if we were meant to be, I like to think that it would happen. Right now I feel like I need to become a better version of me, and him too. If we are to be, it would fall into place. It’s to help let go although its bittersweet

      • philosiblog 8 February 2016 at 5:22 am #

        Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts on the quote.

    • Sam 21 March 2016 at 10:26 pm #

      Brother I feel your pain – I applaud your courage in the face of such a difficult situation. I truly wish you get your happily ever after – I’m in a similar situation, and the worst of it is that like you, our relationship was super natural. We both met at a time when we both came out of serious relationships. Neither your nor my girl allowed themselves to get too deeply involved again even though we’d probably be perfect. She’s not recovered from her divorce and will play the field for a while so my friend be prepared. I told mine how I felt and didn’t expect anything, then 3 weeks later we got intimate again however the following morning, she again said she has mixed feelings.. so I again left it and reached out once but yeh she’s still hesitant to get involved, so man we have to really drop these things and move forward with other opportunities, self-development, travel and people. Dwelling on the gaps in our lives really doesn’t help – its so much better to focus on the positives and be grateful for the things we do have and finally to really pursue something else with the kind of conviction and dedication we approach the loves in our life. I know its much easier said than done, but thats why its important to keep busy. My suggestion though is really get something off your chest than move forward step by step!


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